Pushing me up hard against the wall of the freight elevator, he leaned into me, his breath warm on my neck. Heat pulsed through me as I felt his hand move up my thigh under my skirt. “Um, I don’t think…” I started to say but he covered my mouth with his hand. So far this almost reads like a trashy romance novel, doesn’t it? And I will admit I was initially attracted to N. He, a 25-year-old rakishly handsome college student and I, a 15-year-old nerdy high schooler, worked together at a the University catering company where I got my first real job. For some reason, he immediately became attached to me. He took me under his wing and showed me the ropes, telling me how to get the cooks to make a special order that wasn’t on the menu or which of our many bosses I should ask first when I needed time off or how to make the house-special drink (never mind that high-schoolers should not be mixing drinks). And then one night he stopped the elevator. It was an ancient contraption known for its persnicketiness, horror movie wrought iron doors and pervasive smell of rotting food, a legend in its own right. But tonight it would be burned into my memory for an entirely different reason.
Sliding me down onto the dirty metal floor until the raised chevrons cut into my back, he slipped his hand inside my shirt, undoing a few buttons for good measure. It was then he said it: “I could rape you right now and there isn’t a thing you could do about it.”
The fifteen-year-old I wish I was looked him square in the eye, and snarled “Like hell you will.” And then pushed him into the racks of glassware stacked four deep behind him.
The fifteen-year-old I was simply went mute with the horror of it as all the color drained from my face.
There was a tense moment where we stared at each other in the near darkness. At last I nodded my understanding and he took his hand off my throat. And then, strangest of all, he picked me up, cradling me like a baby in his arms, and said, “But I won’t. And I never will. Do you trust me?” Not knowing what else to do, I nodded again. He cried into my hair for an eternity and at last set me down. That was the first time I was Not Raped.
When I told my friend later on her first response was, “Wow, you’re really lucky nothing worse happened.” Which has been pretty much been the reaction of every girl that I have told about that night – not that there were many. I did feel lucky. And also terror stricken. But was it right to be upset about something that only could have happened but didn’t? All the people around me said no and so I tried to count my blessings and not think about it anymore.
True to his word, N never did rape me. It seemed to be enough for him that he knew that I knew that he could. In fact, N became fiercely protective of me, slamming his hand down on the table, rattling glasses and telling a customer who left me a lewd note instead of a tip that I “was not that kind of girl” before threatening to follow him to his car and slam his head in the door. I worked with N for another year before, predictably, he ran afoul of the law, getting arrested for the statutory rape of another girl we worked with. When the police pulled me out of class to question me about him, all I could do was wonder what the other girl had said in the elevator and how I had stumbled upon the right answer. I was lucky.
The second time I was Not Raped was, as I have alluded to before, in a self-defense class in college. The man was the teacher’s assistant. As Sensei Don can attest, I am not a natural when it comes to martial arts. I’m all about the flight, not so much with the fight. Maybe that’s why I’m such a fast runner. At any rate, the TA – who also worked as a night guard for the building in which I worked – could see I was really struggling in class despite trying very hard. He asked me one night, when I was particularly jittery about closing up alone, if I’d like some extra help. He invited me to the dojo where they taught the class and since I didn’t have a car, he picked me up. On our way he told me he’d forgotten his keys but we could just go to his place. When we got there everything was dark and honestly I didn’t feel good about going in but he reassured me his roommate was home so I did anyhow and really at that point he’d never been anything but perfectly nice to me.
For the first half hour, we practiced and practiced. The same drills over and over again. And then he suggested we try some attacks, meaning he would attack and I would defend. It got heated pretty quickly and his attacks came fast and hard. Finally there came a move I had not the skills to counter and I found myself flat on my back with the wind knocked out of me and the TA on top of me, his sweat running down the insides of arms and dripping on my shoulders. And then in a move I never saw coming, he pulled a gun out, pointed it at me, right between my eyes. “What do you do now?”
I didn’t know. We hadn’t been taught what to do when a gun is aimed at your head. I didn’t even know if it was a real gun or if it was loaded, although it looked real enough to me. I started to cry. Later a friend would ask me how big the hole in the barrel was and what color it was and if I could see burn marks on the nose but none of that registered at the time. All I knew was the old elevator fear pulsing through me. “Please don’t do this to me,” I whispered. “Please.”
And then he said it. “I could do anything to you right now and you can’t stop me.” He forced my legs apart for emphasis. “Tell me why I shouldn’t rape you right now.”
“Your roommate is in the next room.”
He smiled for the first time, “No he’s not. I lied to you.” I looked at the doorway to the next room. It was dark underneath. he ran his hand across my stomach where my shirt had come up, pausing on the button of my jeans. “You just failed. You should never have gone with me when I changed the location. You shouldn’t have agreed to come in here alone. You shouldn’t have let me throw you around. You should have left when you saw the gun out.” (Although I hadn’t noticed it when we came in.) I think I said some other stuff. I cried. He smelled like sweat and food. The blue carpet scratched my back. After what felt like years but was probably minutes, he got up and that was it.
I walked home to my roommates who were all appropriately stricken on my behalf. “You’re so lucky he let you go!” they gasped. But it was what my roommate’s boyfriend said that has stayed with me, “Whatever, it wouldn’t have been rape. You’re so stupid. Obviously it wasn’t a real gun, they don’t let people just carry those. Besides, if he reached to pick up a gun
then that meant he had to take a hand off of you. Why didn’t you punch him or something?”
I don’t know why I didn’t. I didn’t return to class that next week, or ever. Nor did I reply when the TA e-mailed me to ask me out. To this day I don’t know if that was just his heavy-handed way of teaching me a lesson or if he was serious.
The Not Rape Epidemic
Does two incidents from the history of a hysterical teenaged girl make for an epidemic? To be honest, while those incident were frightening at the time, I had chalked them up to bad choices on my part + a bad situation + sketchy men = nothing good can happen. And then I read this. Latoya Peterson, who blogs at Racialicious, detailed a similar experience that happened to her as a young girl. Except she gave it a name. Not Rape. And she told her girlfriends’ stories. And her commenters told even more stories. And then Jezebel picked it up and added their own take, ending with one of their contributors, TatianaTheAnonymousModel, sharing her own chilling story. And each story, despite being written by seasoned bloggers used to sharing their most personal feelings, was raw – still imbued with a lingering sense of terror.
It made me realize for the first time that I’m allowed, both now and when it happened, to be afraid of Not Rape. It made me realize that this has happened to lots of women and girls. You all know that I have written extensively about the more traumatic and life-altering sexual assault by my ex-boyfriend. I am grateful for all of the support I have recieved and your patience in letting me work it all out. And yet it feels good to throw open the windows on Not Rape because not only (I assume) is it more prevalent than rape or sexual assault but because we are often told that it’s not worth feeling bad over. That we’re just lucky.
I do feel a little bit guilty writing about this knowing that the crimes against women world-wide are often much more horrendous than what I’ve just described. And yet I have to ask – have any of you been Not Raped? Your answers are important to me because the question that has long haunted me when I have bothered to remember these incidents is “What is it about me that made them do this to me?” But if it has happened to others, as I’m discovering all these years later, then perhaps it never was about me. My other question – and perhaps the men here can help answer it (if they’re still reading – sorry, fellows) – did those two men know what they were doing? Was the TA genuinely trying to help me and I just took it wrong? Was the waiter’s point really to teach me to trust him? Help me to understand. I hate feeling 15 again.
Note: This post is not intended to say that Not Rape is a male trait in general or that I hate men. I love men and have been priveleged to know many good, kind, beautiful examples of the gender. However, they don’t give me nightmares so they get written about less.
Whether it is rape or not rape, it IS about power. Both of those men were trying to show you they had power and that you needed to be aware of it.
Sick, sick, sick. I am so sorry that you had to experience this.
And please don’t deny the severity of what happened. By saying that being threatened physically with a weapon isn’t as bad as (insert other bad thing here) it takes away from the seriousness of what they did.
Thanks for sharing this. I think so many young women experience things like this and let it pass for whatever reason. But it doesn’t just fade away…it changes your life.
Both those guys were disgusting to abuse their relationships with you. The older co-worker is bad in its own right, but for the teacher/student trust to be violated that way is just a whole new level of sick. And in a self defense class!? Ugh.
It’s really sad that not only do these guys exist, but that there are more of them out there, and still other guys who sympathize with them. Like your roommate’s boyfriend- man, I would have punched *him* just for saying that. Talk about blaming the victim. Hell yes, it could have been a real gun, was he that ignorant? Oooh, that makes me so mad…
And a final thought, maybe the correct answer in the elevator *was* to stay quiet and just nod. Maybe the other girl did fight back, and he fed off of her anger the same way he did off your terror. Just a guess, I’m no sociologist.
Those experiences were horrible and threatening. Your feelings are completely legitimate. I have not quite had a no-rape experience but I have strong intuition/paranoia and know I have avoided such situations–you shouldn’t have to be paranoid!
On second thought, what is getting groped by a stranger? Maybe I have, after all. I certainly felt violated, even if they didn’t threaten to go farther.
I’m so glad women are finally speaking up about this.
Any time one person knowingly terrorizes another, as both of these men did to you, it is about power, and it’s wrong. The very fact that they touched you makes it, under the law, a crime. Your feelings are COMPLETELY legitimate! And we need to teach our girls that ANY situation in which they are made to feel uncomfortable, threatened, or frightened is wrong. Period.
We have the right to our feelings. Even if those two guys WERE just trying to “teach” you to trust them, they had no right to present their “lessons” the way they did.
THEY were wrong. NOT YOU.
Charlotte I am so sorry that these men put you through those horrible experiences! It is definitely clear that they were in the wrong, there’s no doubt about that. There is no question that those men held power over you and abused that in a traumatic way.
I’ve experienced something similar to what you’ve described, but in a far more subtle way, where the lines are so blurred that if anything it could be considered Consenting Rape. If you change your mind after you start a sexual act, but you don’t feel like you’re allowed to say No.. then it becomes something far worse than you ever imagined. A post for another day I think.
I sorry, but I can’t believe anybody would define these experiences as lucky. It makes me so angry.
TA x
again thank you.
for being brave enough to share what too many people blame themselves for.
I see back to male bashing posts…
These were absolutely sexual assaults.
As for the “what is it about me question”, near as I’ve been able to make out some of us did not develop the same sense of personal boundaries and alarm at violations of personal space that many women do. I’ve puzzled a lot about how I could make sure that my daughter has and heeds these alarms when I’ve learned that I don’t have them myself. (This is the one insight I got from my otherwise utterly pointless and failed attempt at therapy, and the therapist didn’t even understand what she was saying. But whatever, it was a truth.)
Predators know how to read reactions and which potential targets are vulnerable. But predators have other characteristics that can be watched for; there are predatory patterns of attention and responses to attention, and I think someone who is predatory towards women (or children) is likely also predatory in other ways, so I look for signs of that and avoid those people.
I’m sorry for what happened to you and for what’s happened to everyone. And it’s not male-bashing. As members of a community or society, we have a responsibility to alert others to danger and make sure others know about the consequences of things that can happen. It’s so not about men in general.
Whew..that was a hard read 🙁
I hope you can heal from these terrible experiences, Charlotte. I’m so sorry they happened to you.
Anonymous – construing that as male bashing is as mindless as construing Charlotte’s experiences as lucky.
Charlotte – They are awful things to have experienced, horrifying actually. I do think some of us let people take advantage in many ways and sadly this type of situation is the worst of that. Having said that, your situations aren’t just some guy thinking you’re an easy target, they are examples of a predatorial psychopaths. It’s criminal and it’s upsetting. I don’t think that you were lucky, but I think you are amazing.
Charlotte, I am completely horrified after reading this! Not only was it wrong for them to take advantage of you, but wrong for someone to tell you that you were lucky! True, it could have been worse, but you did nothing to provoke those sick b*stards! Sorry for the foul language, this completely infuriates me! And I don’t see it as male-bashing at all, I think we’ve all encountered some real weirdos (male AND female) in our lifetime. Besides, it’s YOUR blog, you can write about whatever you damn well please! Okay, I seriously need to lose the cussing! 🙂
You are wonderful, and I wish I could hug you right now, I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I have.
And I haven’t spoken about it.
This has got to be “pre” behavior – like the killing animals experts say is a sign of more serious problems. I feel horrible for you that you have encountered so many of these types of men. This is not male bashing – Charlotte makes very clear that she has encountered many wonderful men and is, of course, married to one. The truth is that this happens – these people are out there – and women are pretty defenseless much of the time due to our size and strength. I doubt there is an epidemic – I think this probably always has been.
Very thankfully I have not had any experiences like this.
But I remember now that a friend of mine told me that she was raped by her boyfriend when we were in high school. It must have taken a lot to tell us, and none of us knew what to do. You can’t go to your parents, because then sex becomes the focus, not the bad act – or at least that is what you think then. I just hope she has dealt with it over the years.
This makes me worry about my 8 year old daughter and what she is going to have to deal with, and the words I am going to have to give her to keep this from happening.
Like Anonymous #1 – I put myself in so many situations were this same kind of thing could have happened to me, but my gut feeling/paranoia at the time was “this is not good” so I got out fast. I totally trust my intuition, maybe that’s what I should tell my daughter – to trust her inner voice.
I have never been raped, but I have been Not Raped three times. One of them, I struck out and got of the situation relatively emotionally unscathed. The other two left me with trust issues and shame and some fairly hefty therapy bills.
I agree with everyone, in that it’s about power and domination. In my experience, men who feel powerless or diminished in some way, and who are angry about it, are the perpetrators.
Terrifying, and I agree- a hard read.
I hope that men can handle reading this all the way through, as although I think it’s completely wrong and absolutely unforgivable what these two men did- I also think they had no idea how much they terrified you, or maybe I’m just naive.
I also will share with my boyfriend- who is a NY police officer, as I wonder what he would think as he struggles with power issues daily in his job. Both in a corrupt and a decent manner, as I’ve heard stories upon stories about cops abusing their power and how hard it is in a setting with both multiple people in power against one without and vice versa.
Thanks for bringing some awareness to the issue.
Charlotte,
I couldn’t possibly respond for all males since this is such an individual thing, but I get a feeling from your writing that each of these two may have felt that they were more than a friend. When whatever way it was shown that it wasn’t reciprocated, each responded in a physical overpowering threat to show that they had control over you. I don’t think you were lucky since their actions did what they intended to do and that was inflict fear and doubt. The one thing we can give but once broken can never be taken back is trust and yours was broken during that period of your life. I’m sure for you that it may not be an easy thing to give to this day.
This was a terrible position for anyone to be in and had all the earmarks of a crime that would be hard to convict but would also come with some gloating if you tried and failed. Don’t for a minute infer from my response that I would condone such action since they are truly animals for acting on these outrageous impulses. I’m sorry for this to happen to you and hope that as time goes on it becomes a fading memory.
This makes my stomach hurt. I’m sorry and outraged this happened to you, and I’m fearful that the 15 yo in my life isn’t prepared for such situations. Lots to think about.
I haven’t personally experienced this, but I’m so glad you (and others) are sharing your experiences.
aw charlotte- even though i dont think you need it sometimes i wanna scoop you up and run away.
so true- its just proof its all about power. Knowing that you could do whatever you wanted to someone is exactly what they are looking for.
Kelly Turner
http://www.everygymsnightmare.com
I was never raped or not raped, but I was “mildly” molested twice as a child–meaning it was just fondling once and another incidence of 2 much older boys showing me their penises and telling me if I sucked them they’d let me be a member of their club (as a wise 6-year old I declined and they didn’t push it further).
Your incidents sound much worse and not at all lucky. I can’t count how many friends I’ve had with stories of molestation, not rape, and rape. I have very few girlfriends who have not been messed with in some inappropriate way. It’s very disturbing to think what the percentages must be (that aren’t published because so many of us keep quiet).
First of all, I am so sorry to hear that you had to experience both of these situations AND your traumatic sexual assault by your ex. You have been through so much and don’t deserve any of it. I read your blog every single day (except weekends, of course, which are two boring days without reading a Charlotte post!) Every single entry I read, I am more convinced that you are an absolutely amazing woman. Your compassion, knowledge, humility, ability to write and connect with others is phenomenal. (Could I gush anymore?!)
You encouraged me to share my experiences with Not-Rape. I had a mentally unstable ex-boyfriend who frightened me on a few occasions. Once we were having sex and it hurt (a unfortunatley common occurence for me), and I asked him to stop. He not only kept going, but thrust harder and asked me in a scary-tone, “Do you like that?” He finally stopped after saying that and me starting to cry. But, those few moments and his suddenly scary mannerisms haunted me for a few years.
After we had broken up and we were both back home for Christmas break (we were from the same hometown), he tried to get me go out “back-roading” with him (this is what you do when you live in a boring little town and drive out into country and find some in-the-middle-of-nowhere section line and do naughty teenage stuff – drink, have sex, etc.). Thankfully I refused. When he was trying to convince me to go, he joked, “What, do you think I’m going to try to have sex with you?!” I knew deep down and more than ever now, that he WOULD HAVE and it wouldn’t have been voluntarily on my part. The thought made me shudder for years, but it’s finally just fading into an unfortunate memory.
He did and said many other scary things while we were dating and especially after I dumped him. I beat myself up for a long time afterward for even going out with him when I didn’t like him initially in high school. It started out as a fun little fling and ended up mentally fucking (sorry, harsh, but true) with me. My mom made me feel better when she acknowledged that when I saw his behavior, actions, words, etc. turning scary, I ended things and never went back. Her words made me realize that I did take some control and was at least a little smart about him and the situation. It lifted a little guilt off my shoulders and made me forgive myself a little bit.
I think YOU did not do anything wrong to make these terrible men act the way they did. And the reason they acted in those ways was to show you they had power over you (as others have said). It’s so unfortunate you had to be at that receiving end. You do have every right to be frightened and to feel those emotions. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope in time that these painful memories don’t drag you down anymore, but rather help you become an even more beautiful person than you already are.
I have been extremely fortunate in my life to never have run into anything like this personally–but know from others how often this kind of horrible stuff occurs.
Another sad thing is how hostile this culture is to the victims who tell their stories. The fact that you have to write a disclaimer at the end because of previous comments, is almost disheartening. Of course MOST men aren’t domineering sexual terrorists, but some are. It’s gender specific. The fact that we’re made to feel like it’s something we shouldn’t talk about because it makes men uncomfortable points to how far we have to go.
This is NOT man-bashing! This is an amazing, brave woman talking about horrible things that 3 individuals did to her. By talking about it, she is taking her power and her life back, and helping other people who have been in similar situations.
Anonymous 2, you are seriously misunderstanding this post!
Thank you for sharing, Charlotte. Not-rape still creates a sense of fear and helplessness and is just as scarring and traumatic as rape, so it’s definitely serious and not something to be brushed aside.
I am so sorry. You are not lucky- this is horrific to have to had gone through, twice just seems too much!
This is one of the many reasons I am putting my daughters in karate, starting at an early age(5). I started karate when I was 11 and can not tell you how much self control and self confidence I gained from it, plus learning how to yell and be confident in myself. When I was 15 I was in a play. A couple of my ‘friends’ and I stayed later to run lines. The lead guy had me back stage and covered my mouth and pushed me into the prop room and tried to feel me up and down. I instinctively kneed him in the crotch and yelled as loud as I could and pushed him away. He was charged with sexual assault. A lot of students that heard about it (and really liked him) were mad at me and thought it was no big deal because I wasn’t raped and he was probably just joking around. Two other girls came forward with similar stories. I am so grateful I wasn’t frozen in fear that day, and I attribute that to my two years of karate.
I just had my husband read this and he was disgusted in their actions. A real man would never do that or think that sharing your experiences is man-bashing.
Sexual assault is horrible and I”m so sorry that happened.
When I think of the times I have been assaulted it haunts me to think of the other women before and after me becasue I know they will do it again. It’s so hard to talk about it, because people don’t want to believe someone they know and trust could cross those lines. They need to know it does happen and we are all more likely to be raped or sexually assaulted by men we know.
I admire you for telling these stories and think it’s incredibly important. Thank you…
I don’t think it matters whether worse things have happened to other women–it doesn’t take away from what terrible experiences those were for you. And even if there was no rape, the fear instilled in you, the breach of trust–all that is deeply traumatic.
After college, I went back to my parents’ for a few months to sort out my life. During this time, a man who worked a few miles from my house was watching me. He painstakingly took time every night to work on one of the windows and one night, he came into my house. He knew exactly where he was going: my room.
What he didn’t know was that my sister had just arrived that day and that she and I had stayed up looking at pictures from her trip in South America and thus, fallen asleep together. If he’d come a day before, I would have been alone. Worse still–I was leaving the next morning for Tokyo, so if he’d come the next night, my sister would have been alone.
That night, I woke up with a knife at my throat and a flashlight in my face. My instinct to protect my sister once I realized what was going on was bigger than my fear. I only weigh 100lbs, so I knew that I wouldn’t be the likely victor in a physical struggle–especially when he was armed. Somehow–and how I don’t know now–I managed to postpone attack or physical intrusion by speaking. I thought, if I can talk until the sun begins to break the horizon, he will have to leave or we will see him.
It was a gamble, but I was lucky. I don’t know how long it went on. At some point, he heard a noise and ran to the hall to check, thinking my parents may be awake. In a flash, I grabbed my sister by the hair, threw her in the bathroom, told her to lock herself in and bang the bathtub. Then I ran out of the room and upstairs as fast as my legs could carry me. The commotion sent the man running.
My father ran after him with a sword, but lost him in the thicket. Probably better that way. The man was apprehended a year later. So on.
My point is that even though a rape didn’t happen, even though we were fortunate to evade that misfortune, a great transgression was made. You may think, “well, that’s different, he invaded your house.” But it’s not so different. These men invaded your space and put you in a situation that made you feel vulnerable. The damage they caused you, even if you do not let it eat you alive, will always be there. And that’s not something to take lightly or minimize just because there was no rape. It’s a gross, unforgivable thing to do to anyone.
You seem to have grown past it and I’m glad, but more than anything, I’m glad that you’re talking about it and sharing your experience with others.
(I came here through the BlogHer network.)
Charlotte, thanks.
You were not lucky. You were assaulted.
I have to echo Leamur’s comment. I don’t think it’s a question of what made *you* different and susceptible. I think it has more to do with predatory behavior on the part of the other. In fact, if anything, I would say that you’re probably more “normal” than a woman who HASN’T had these experiences.
I think women in general are conditioned to have more relaxed personal boundaries, to brush off our twinges of apprehension, to dismiss our own fears as irrational. We are conditioned to “be nice,” to second-guess ourselves, to inconvenience ourselves in order to make other people happy. Our very social conditioning makes us predator bait.
In fact, I’d argue that the women who DON’T have these experiences are more rare than the women who do, because in order NOT to be susceptible, they would have had to buck societal training on some fundamental level. Now THERE’S a depressing thought. 😛
I’m sorry you had to go through that. The not-rape is as much about power and control as rape is. The terror is the same.
*hugz* thank you for sharing this.
-Meg
That’s some scary stuff, Charlotte! I would’ve been pretty freaked out, too. 🙁
“You’re so lucky they didn’t rape you.”
My first instinct was totally and completely “EFF THAT”. I’m sorry that happened to you twice, and I’m sorry anyone though you were lucky for being Not Raped.
I’ve done some stupid stuff in my time, but everything has been under the “my-own-bad-idea-at-the-time” category. I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve been overpowered and threatened, but I was also lucky in my young and stupid years to be incredibly muscular and flexible – so play fighting was always just that, there was no temptation because simply, most boys couldn’t pin me down.
Neither of those creeps were trying to teach you anything.
They were scum, and should have been punished for it.
I’m glad that you can talk about your experiences, because silence is a weapon scum like that depend on.
For some reason those lessons on bullying from childhood has stuck with me. The ones that say “they do it because they need to make someone else feel small in order to feel bigger.”
A man who is now an ex-BF, but was the BF at the time, came over after doing Acid. I didn’t know he’d done it. I didn’t know he was coming over. He called me from outside because I was asleep, but he said he’d locked himself out of his place. I let him in and proceeded to go back to bed. I woke up with his hands around my neck. This is a panic spot for me. I froze. It felt like the whole world was moving in slow motion. He said horrible things to me. I cried.
I remembered those lessons from my childhood and I stopped crying. I pretended to “turn the other cheek.” I told this disturbed, over-powering man that I loved him. And you know what. It stopped. He started to cry and released me.
I kicked him in the shoulder. I kicked him hard enough that he was sent flying off the end of my bed and proceeded to convulse on my floor after hitting his head. I had to call 9-1-1 and he kept trying to close my phone. Thank god for cellphones and GPS tracking.
Gripping post, Lottie.
I have a few comments. First, each of the incidents you describe is by definition an assault and I personally consider each of them to be offensive attacks. By law any action or words directed at someone that would cause a “reasonable person” to perceive the impending use of violence against them is an assault. I don’t call it “Not Rape” I call it “assault.”
Second, I have come to trust the gut insticts of most women. This is because my wife, sister and mother all seem to have accurate intuition (“scary” accurate when it comes to reading me). It’s a shame most women seem to disregard their own intuition so often – particularly when it comes to men. Most of my life I have been annoyed at the way most women believe the lies men tell them when I know their intuition is sounding alarms. You are right to see these for what they were – attacks – and you are right to defend yourself from them now and forever.
Third, I think it’s important to recognize that self-defense is much more than a set of physical skills. Unfortunately, since it is the easiest to teach, most courses focus solely on the physical part and some ego-crazed instructors will go out of their way to prove to you that they are “better” at it than their students. You must recognize that while many others may possess greater physical strength and skill, fights can be won or lost based on intelect and emotion. Everyone has vulnerabilities. As your story and the many others referenced show, many of these men while strong physically are lacking in some other areas. They can be called “weak” in many contexts and this is not just a rhetorical statement. Those weaknesses can be leveraged to facilitate an escape or their defeat (reference your Life Lesson from Karate “when someone pushes you, pull them in”). Your self-defense tactics should leverage your strengths and take advantage of your opponents’ weaknesses.
-Don
Wow Charlotte, I am so sorry this happened to you…it just makes my skin crawl when I think about what these guys did to you…and at such a young age. I’m glad that others have shared their stories with you. You are definitely not alone! No one ever forgets about something like that…ugh, it’s just sick. Thank you for speaking up! There is NO excuse for that kind of behavior. It’s just plain wrong!
Charlotte, I agree that those two events were attacks, no question. I’ve had a few experiences like that myself and it sure ain’t the pretty side of masculinity showing. I’m sorry it happened to you, that it happens to anyone…
My wife was Not Raped before we met. She was working as a wildland firefighter for the Forest Service. Her asignment for a paticular fire was working as a repeater – she was to stay at the top of a mountain and relay messages from the firefighters working on the fireline to the base camp on the other side of the mountian. She was sent up with an other employee and when the truck reached the top of the mountain he said “I’ve got a roll of duct tape in the glove box and no one would even hear you scream”.
She doesn’t like to think about the incident and I don’t recall how she got away from him but I’ve come to realize that Not Rape is a really big problem for women.
“Not Rape” was a real problem in my life until I took a self-defense class in college. A police officer came in and talked to us and said very adamently, “Any time a person does anything to you in a way that goes over your line of comfort, you have the right to do whatever it takes to protect yourself.” My teacher, who was female, repeated that statement over and over in class. One night, a friend of mine, a guy, was making fun of me and started tickling me. He held my arms down and wouldn’t let go. It was making me very angry that he thought he could insult me “in jest” and then touch me. I warned him to let me go, and one of my other male friends told him to let me go too. He just laughed at me, so I flipped him off me. It was awesome!
You are a very courageous person. I don’t think that I could’ve gone through the things I have without you behind me. It’s a shame these things happen to us, and all we can do is use what we’ve gone through to help others and try to be stonger. I wake up in cold sweats at night, nauseated, and fearful. It’s traumatic. Maybe it’s post-traumatic stress or something. I don’t know, but I’m grateful there are others out there who know how I feel. Thanks so much for sharing Char. You are doing a lot of good.
I’ve already commented once but I wanted to come back and add that I think this is a very appropriate subject for a fitness-related blog. I think a lot of women’s issues with food relate to this sort of thing. I had a friend who was bulimic and it seemed related to her multiple molestations as a child–she wanted control of her body. And another friend is very heavy and it seems to be almost like a way to protect herself–she was always a beautiful girl when younger and was hit on constantly (and not usually pleasantly). Now she gets hit on less (but still more than you might expect of a big girl).
Just my thoughts–might end up blogging about this myself at some point.
I live with this. As a child and in HS I was very pretty. I was also nice and shy so people would take advantage. I was made to feel like I was an awful person if I didn’t want to date someone. And someone who was supposed to be my friend drugged me, I don’t remember anything except feeling like I was floating. In college I struggled with cat calls and stares to the point that I stopped wearing skirts and dresses. I eventually gained weight and it lessened some. But I still have coworkers (especially creepy old men) that comment on my appearance or blatantly check me out. At my old job one man in particular used to bother me and even told me not to call HR. my other coworkers thought it was hilarious and my boss told me it couldn’t be considered sexual harassment.
A friend once told me that all women regardless of size will be subjected to unwanted attention. I would like to be at a healthier weight, but to be honest I’m scared. I really dislike unwanted attention. Whenever I discuss this with anyone they seem to act like I am being arrogant, but having lived through it all I don’t want to repeat that life.
I have a “not rape” story:
When I was 13 years old, I worked for a quadriplegic woman (Mrs. Clark). On Saturdays, I would take her to the mall (on a small bus with a lift).
We were at the mall, in a clothing store, when an adult male (probably in his 40s) came up to me and told me he had a daughter “about my size”, and asked if he could show me something to see if I thought it would fit. I said OK, and walked with him just a couple aisles over (in a mall, in a store with some people milling around just feet away). He somehow cornered me and stuck his hand up my shirt and fondled my breasts. I was stunned–frozen. Then he just walked away. But for the rest of the afternoon, I would catch him following me and Mrs. Clark from a distance in the mall.
When I told Mrs. Clark what happened, she said that I should have known better.
But I couldn’t have known better! I was raised in a religious family, knew next to nothing about assault, and never thought such a thing could happen in the middle of a store with people not too far away.
Writing this now makes me feel sick.
Anyway, was I stupid? Probably. Naive? Definitely. But that man was a predator, and I was an innocent child.
And I don’t understand these weird remarks about “male bashing”. I have a husband whom I love, and I think men are fantastic as a species. As a matter of fact, I “get along” with men better than women, usually. But wrong is wrong. If some middle-aged perverted woman stuck her hand down a 13 year old boy’s pants, I would find her just as repellent as the man who fondled me, and the men who assaulted and terrified Charlotte.
Boy, you got me going! I haven’t thought about this for a long time. Looks like you touched a nerve with this post.
Thanks–it’s been cathartic. And needless to say, I completely empathize.
I am always telling my children that threatening to hit is just as bad as actually hitting. One time, to get the point across to my son who loved to chase his siblings with a bat raised over his head, I even had to act like I was going to hit him in the face, stopping just 1/2 an inch away. I saw the fear in his face and then I explained to him what he was doing. When you threaten you may not hurt but you scare and that is worse than just hurting. People get hurt in accidents all the time, but when they are scared as well it is much more damaging.
Those men were getting their kicks by trying to damage you without going all the way. What they did is sick, perverted, evil, and wrong.
After thinking about this for a while, I remembered when my niece (now 5) when she was 3 — we were at a house-warming party and there were lots of people there, most of whom neither she nor I had met. One older guy (probably mid-50’s) who had been drinking a lot thought she was fun and cute (which she is) and kept grabbing her hands, or wanting her to sit on his lap, or otherwise involved himself with her games. The guy creeped me out, but for no concrete reason. I watched her pull away several times and heard her mom and a few others tell her that ‘it was okay’ and ‘he’s a nice man’ and ‘he just wants to play with you.’ I pulled her aside and said if she didn’t want to play with him, or if she didn’t want him to touch her, she should say NO very loudly and walk away and find someone she knows (we talked about it for a little bit in general terms — it’s hard to tell a 3 year old to ignore her mom in favor of her intuition). She’s a sharp cookie, with great intuition, but what the heck is up with the other adults telling her that this was okay? Seems like we should encourage empowering our girls and allowing them to decide that it’s okay to be uncomfortable with strangers.
Luckily the guy cut it out (or passed out?), so I didn’t have pull out the Auntie-militia.
But now that I’m thinking about this, maybe I’ll encourage some kiddie-karate.
The threat of an event is as detrimental to the psyche as its completion. A child who witnesses another being abused, particularly a sibling, is as likely to suffer the adverse effects as the child to whom the abuse is directed. And sexual assault is sexual assault with or without penetration. I can see that the term NotRape would be helpful, giving a name to it, but as it is neither a testament to luck nor will to be subjected to the abuse of power, the threat of rape is still rape.
oy. hard post. but so good to hear so many amazing comments. I especially appreciated Sensei Don’s comments. I agree, “not rape” is definitely “assualt!”
and seriously? “Nor did I reply when the TA e-mailed me to ask me out.”
You’ve got to be kidding me.
Hi Charlotte,
Since I’m not a woman I’m not sure how valid my comments are but here goes anyway.
Probably the first thing you did wrong was to be so darn desirable in the first place. 😉
No, seriously, when you ask if it’s something that you did that made you more susceptible than other people, as many have said, I don’t think you did anything wrong to justify the man’s actions. But this kind of predator certainly targets specific types of people. A family member of mine was in a Not Rape situation once. The commonality that I see between the 2 of you is that you both perhaps had a relatively low self esteem. Everyone can smell confidence on a person, and some predators look for people who clearly lack it.
I suspect that if you had had more self esteem and confidence in yourself you probably would not have let things progress to the point that they did. Or at least you would have asserted yourself in more discrete ways on prior encounters so the guy knew that you wouldn’t let him walk all over you.
That certainly doesn’t mean that confident women never get raped, but I think lack of self confidence is an issue in many cases.
What struck me about this is when people reacted with “You’re so lucky.” and “Thank God nothing happened”. Something DID happen, you were threatend and traumatized. I can’t imagine anyone hearing your story and thinking nothing happened. I’ve never been in that situation but I ache for not only the teenaged you that was made so afraid, but also for the grown up you who has to live each day with these memories. Truly, you are a tower of strength.
I’ve never talked to a woman who has not been sexually “assaulted” either as a child or adult. Usually it’s just a neighbor kid trying to convince her to let him experiment with her, but even when they say, “no, never,” they have all rethought it to remember at least one incident. Most men have had that happen to them as children too, but pretty much all women have. You were lucky to have those very unlucky situations resolved as they were, but no one ever talks about the unlucky part that had to happen first.
I have been NOT raped twice. Both by males three or more years older than me and five inches taller than me. I always thought because I was a tall girl (6 feet when the attacks happened a year apart from one another) that I was safe. I thought I could take care of myself. I’ve struggled for years with the pain, trust issues an sense of worthlessness caused by these not-rapes. My friends said I was lucky, but never paused to ask if I was okay. I think in the case of rape, “almost” is already too much, way, way too much..
This post gave me chills from the top of my head to the tips of my toes many times.. even made me shiver a bit in a warm dorm room. Thank you so much Charlotte. You are such an inspiration to me in both life and fitness.
I was molested several times as a child, mostly by other older kids, but once by my mother’s boyfriend. I was in the first or second grade at the time.
I am certain that this contributed to my weightgain as a protection respons eand method of stuffing down my emotions.
Now I am ever vigilant with my children,unlike my mother who left me on my own way too much at a very, very young age.
I hate now being able to look back and see how these things colored and continue to color my response to my world and relationships. I cringe to think how many women have had to deal with these things, the number of sick men out there who preyed upon them with no repercussions and the number of wonderful men who have had to work through the pain and issues of the women they love because of the harm (physically or emotionally) that these other men have caused.
Well you know you and I have this in common, and unfortunately I’ve experienced very similar plus more. This is physical assault and most importantly a violation and betrayal of trust with people you should have felt safe with, an older co-worker and a teacher even if he was an assistant.
Being a survivor, what many people don’t understand is that the hardest part in healing is learning how to trust people and to feel safe in the world because we experience things like this where it’s evidence that the world is a scary place especially too when you have multiple experiences. Our ability to feel safe in the world was stripped away, and worse by people we’re taught we’re supposed to trust.
The things I experienced indeed contributed to my ED, issues with alcohol, and agoraphobia plus social anxiety issues. It got really effed up, and fortunately I’ve come very far in the healing as I’ve met more women who’ve experienced similar things. I think it’s very healthy that we talk about these things, but also focus on how we can grow and learn from this, help others, and do something good with the experience and not stay in victim mindset. My dad shared that with me, and that is why I blog too. I’m not going to let the past strip me of my happiness, it’s sure not easy, but if I can help others feel less alone, stigmatized, and better educated to help them avoid similar situations, than some good comes out of it all. I think your intent is the same 🙂
Cialis is to be taken orally 30-60 minutes before sex. Like Viagra and Levitra, the medicine is a kind of PDE 5 enzyme inhibitor which increases blood circulation through the penis during sexual excitement and thus brings about a sustained erection which is required for sexual satisfaction of both the participating partners. http://www.buy-cialis-online-now.com
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.
I am so sorry you had to go through such difficult experiences.
I experienced something similar 2 times. one when I was 13 and away on a trip and one in college, and I blame myself for both. I am otherwise a very confident, independent and positive woman, but when it comes to those to NR’s, I am embarrassed that I didn’t do MORE.
I did make up for it though when an almost NR happened a short time later, and I punched the guy so hard I broke his nose. Whoops.
Dude here. Since you asked for a male perspective.
To maybe help address the question, "did those two men know what they were doing?"
Kind of. In any group of young men there must be a clearly defined pecking order, and you constantly have to maintain you your position in the social order by dominating those beneath you. That is how a society of young men naturally forms, there's no way to stop this because it is mostly instinctive.
Things become worse when females get involved, because now you've got that basic "dominate" drive rubbing up against their sexual drives. When the two combine, it can turn into the kind of sexually aggressive behavior that you've written about.
Most men grow up and leave this juvenile mentality behind. They quickly learn that courtship is nuanced, and that you can't dominate women like you'd dominate a rival in a youth gang. Some don't though, and your "not rape" is what results at best. At worst is actual rape.
TVB – Thanks for pointing out the evolutionary sociological aspect to this. Good to have a dude up in here:)
Terrifying. I call it psychological abuse and that can last a lifetime- I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
I've been in this Not Rape situation on more than one occasion. Several, if I'm honest, including at least one situation where I was underage and went along with sexual acts with an older male, and one where I was a young woman who got myself in a situation where I had to sleep with someone to get out and get home 'safe'.
I've tended to assume it's my fault and it's something in me. Perhaps not after all.
Pingback:The Night Watchman | The Great Fitness Experiment
Pingback:The Night Watchman | Elite Daily Diet and Fitness
I was on the beach. An old man walked by and assumed we were horny lovers. He was 30 I was 16 and naive. Before that it was m y softball coach, a friend of my parents, my friends dad, who ” loved my tits, loved my booty, and wanted to take pictures of me”. My closest friend was raped by family, and impregnated at 11 by a family friend. We are not “lucky”. We are strong.
Pingback:How to Teach Girls How Not to Get Raped
Pingback:Why Are We So Scared to Say What We Mean? Necklace Promises to Rescue You From Bad Dates But Not Bad Taste