Peeing and pooping, already discussed on this site with alarming frequency, are merely the tip of the iceberg when it comes to all the ways your body can betray you during exercise. It matters not whether you exercise indoors or out, in a gym setting or just with a friend, or if you are a die-hard or a fitness newbie; bodily functions happen to us all. That’s just what happens when your kidneys, sweat glands, gastrointestinal system and other body parts are working as they should. So today, I’m going to give you a Fitness Primer in all things icky. You can thank me later. I accept payment in jelly beans.
Since this topic is so broad (and because I get a ridiculous amount of reader e-mail on this topic!), I will be devoting the next few days to covering sweat, pee, poop, gaseous emissions, vomit & snot. If you are weak-stomached or just one of those men who believe women “never do number two” then you might want to skip the rest of this week. However, the rest of us will hopefully find some solace – and laughter- in knowing that we are not alone in our excretory embarrassments. This post goes out to any woman who’s ever balked at doing “Happy Baby” pose in yoga or any man who’s scooched across the weight bench only to have to announce loudly “I swear that wasn’t me!” This is for the gooey people.
Sweat
Let’s start with the most innocuous and also the most common of the bodily fluids that exercise exacerbates. Whether you are a mere “glistener” or a sweaty Betty like me, if you are actually working out (and not just pretending by pedaling the stationary bike on zero resistance so you won’t ruin your elaborate hairdo) then you will sweat. The harder you workout, the more you will sweat. There are two things to know about your sweat: 1) it’s normal and there is no need to be embarrassed about it and 2) people only like their own sweat on their bodies.
You might have to just trust me on the first one – believe me, no one is judging you on your sweat-soakedness. If they’re staring, it’s because they want to know what you are doing that is obviously such an awesome workout. At least that’s what I tell myself. There is plenty you can do to help yourself in regards to the second item though. In order to keep your sweat to yourself, a few basic rules of hygeine apply.
1. Bring a towel. If you’re a massive sweater (wow, that reads funny!), then use it not only to wipe yourself down but also as a barrier between you and publicly shared items like weight benches and yoga mats. This would be a great opportunity to buy one of those Shamwows you’ve been looking for a reason to order. You know you love that guy!
2. You stink. I know you can’t smell yourself (unless you’re pregnant or poo-covered) but trust me on this one. Wear deodorant. It won’t stop you from sweating but it does help with the stench. Do NOT under any circumstances substitute cologne or perfume for deodorant. It won’t mask the smell and it will make people (i.e. me) barf. Also, and this is more of a side note as there isn’t much you can do about it; if you eat strongly flavored foods – garlic and curry are the worst offenders – then you will “sweat it out” the next day. Personally, I don’t mind smelling other people’s faint food odors but some people are sensitive about it.
3. Wipe stuff down when you’re done with it. This rule not only applies to obvious things like the bike or treadmill you just geysered all over but to things like the floor in front of you or the wet spot your butt left on the weight bench or even the mirror in front of you . There is nothing more disgusting than coming upon some identified puddle of fluid. If I wanted to play “guess that liquid” I’d stay home and be entertained non-stop by my relentlessly fluid-emitting children. This is demonstrated by one classic moment that lives in Gym Buddy infamy: Gym Buddy Allison and I were doing pull-ups one day when a man asked to work in between our sets. We immediately regretted being good sharers when Allison, upon taking her next turn, pulled up to be right at eyeball level with a huge droplet of… something hanging precariously over her mouth. She dropped to the floor. We stared. The droplet hung on. And on. And on. Finally, in a testament to the power of surface tension and the magnitude of our squeamishness, the sweat droplet won and Allison & I gave up on finishing our pull-ups. Don’t be that pull-up guy. Wipe your own sweat off.
4. Wear proper gym clothes and then launder them. Even if they say “sweat wicking” or “performance fabric.” Even if you don’t think they smell bad. Unless you are a contortionist then you won’t be able to check your own crotch area and I strongly discourage you from asking someone else to check. That is not the proper use of a Gym Buddy. Another tip to avoiding the dreaded swamp crotch or other unsightly sweat marks is to skip light colored cotton. Gray is the worst offender but I’ve seen it happen even with basic black. Stick to lycra or spandex on the bottom if you are wearing something form fitting. If it’s loose then you have more latitude – just don’t forget the undies!
5. Shower. Not only does this help protect you from nasty skin infections like bacne, impetigo and MRSA but it also makes everyone around you happier. If you need this one explained, refer back to #2. Just don’t pee in the shower.
Which leads me to my next bodily function topic… check back in tomorrow to hear all about the many ways people urinate in the name of fitness!
So what’s your sweat story? Ever sat in a puddle of someone else’s filth? Grabbed the handle of the elliptical only to find it still warm and moist from the previous occupant? Do you leave a signature sweat stain on the stretching mats? Have you ever snapped yourself (or someone else) in the face with a sweat-soaked ponytail?? Share!
PS> For those of you keeping track, Gym Buddy Megan had her baby last Friday. A darling little guy! Both mom and baby are doing great!
Charlotte – thank you for confirming for me my refusal to ever go to a gym!
Last night I came back from the gym after a hard workout, and treated myself to some chocolate. It tasted salty. I even went to far as to check the ingredient list on the chocolate before I realised the sweat was dripping down my face 🙂
Nice Post…fifth one is very important..
I am such a profuse sweater. Luckily I only work out at home, but when I would do aerobics and stuff in public, I was always the only one dripping. I always told myself it was because I was the only one working hard… Now I have to constantly mop my office floor to get the sweat drops off the hardwood before they dry and/or collect various dust and cat hair… I was actually diagnosed with hyperhydrosis until pregnancy changed my hormones. Thank goodness!
Great post!
I am a sweater for sure!!!! MAJOR! I bring one large towel for my bod & to lay on benches, machine etc. & one small towel strictly for my face. I always clean off benches, machine etc. before I even use them & wipe them down after! Even after cleaning them, I still put my towel down! I do this not only because I sweat, but I see others & they DON'T do it!
I follow all your other advice as well!!! I even wear that prescription strength antiperspirant! I also carry anti bacterial soap gel with me to wipe down my hands afterwards before I ever get in the car!!!
Thx for passing on great advice!
Oh my gosh this made me laugh and laugh! I work out at home and after every really good workout, I wipe the sweat from my forehead onto my husband – just so he’ll KNOW how hard I worked out.
I’d never do that to someone I’m not intimately involved with, though, so don’t worry!
**laughing** you subtle woman.
Im a BIGBIG sweater.
Ill spare you the deets but it doesnt confine itself to the gym either (please to think outdoor wedding.texas.summer.)
I keep telling myself it’s a by product of being fit.
please to never tell me otherwise.
Agree 100% Char.
This is what I don’t understand, and it normally applies to the people that stink the worst, they are wearing the SAME gym clothes for the 100th straight day. Do they think no one notices? If you are investing this much time in exercise can you invest $100 bucks in multiple workout outfits.
Looking forward to poop week. That sounds funny.
Yeah, I sweat big time, have definitely smacked myself in the face with my own sweaty ponytail, and couldn’t imagine wearing workout clothes more than once (for they are literally soaked when I’m done). I do try to be considerate of others. I know no one else wants to be smacked with my sweaty ponytail or sit on a row machine with my sweaty butt print. 😉
I’m a sweater. So is BK. Our future kids are doomed.
However, before I was fit, I never sweated, so I feel like there’s got to be a correlation between fitness level and sweating.
I sweat. A lot. I like to sweat when I’m working out. HATE it when I’m sitting still (which is why we lived in the hottest part of Los Angeles for 9 years. Yeah).
The other day I went to get a cup of coffee after hot yoga. The poor barista looked at me and said “Wow! it’s really hot out there, huh?) I just sort of mumbled something, thanked him for the coffee, and went back to the car.
After intense exercise, I tend to sport what I like to call a salt-water moustache. Pits, drier than British humour, back, maybe damp, but the upper lip? Completely beaded. It’s hot. Literally. And figuratively.
Congrats Gym Buddy Megan and Wee One
I read somewhere that people who are in better shape sweat more easily. Something to do with being physiologically efficient.
Of course this type of information is only interesting to stinky people like us 🙂
Hahaha thanks for the laugh. 🙂
Ever since I started doing triathlons I’ve been an intense sweater. Even while not working out.
Once at the Dr.’s office I was getting a punch biopsy. I looked down and noticed that sweat was dripping off my arm onto the paper lined exam chair. The room was cold, but I guess my heart rate was up.
When he told me I could get dressed I desperately looked around for a way to discard the paper I had managed to soak through. Must hide the evidence! Alas, I didn’t have time.
Another word that “reads” funny is for one who sews.
A sewer.
I agree, fit people sweat more! It’s a /good/ thing… providing you’re the kind of person who knows where your towel is 😉
That was great. Swamp crotch…never heard the term before, but I may have to use it now 😉 Sweat marks are the worst by the way! That’s one of the reasons why I work out at home.
Ok, so I usually leave one pair of gym pants at the gym for a two week period before doing laundry. I console myself in thinking that this is really only 4-5 workouts, and sometimes the “workout” is just me teaching and not doing much. Hopefully swamp crotch isn’t making people holding their breath!
I actually don’t sweat a lot. I’m fit, and I’ll sweat if I’m doing a hard workout (like spinning), but I don’t sweat all that much in day to day life.
One of my friends went to spinning once and was sitting behind a guy who, every time he stood up out of the saddle, sent a waft of really strong BO her way. She had to move, it was really that bad. And of course, after she moved, the instructor (trying to be helpful) turned on the fan, which ended up blowing the stench her way again.
Oh my gosh. That was hilarious Charlotte.
I’m a sweater. I’m also a turn-tomato-red-er, which is kind of embarrassing. Even an hour or two later, my face is still abnormally flushed. Weird.
I’m also a tomato-face and a big-time sweater. Sweaty person. Whatever.
It’s one of many reasons I’d so much rather go outside and run for cardio, unless it’s sweltering hot. I feel much less self-conscious outside in the breeze than stuck on a machine at the gym getting increasingly red and soaked.
Great post, and looking forward to the entire series!
After reading through the comments, I was reminded of a couple points: 1. I’m an underarm sweater (will soak from edge of sleeve to bottom of shirt in some cases) yet my husband and daughter are head-sweaters, resulting in make-up difficulty and constant curls. I guess I should be happy with what I got! 2. During pregnancy, I had mentioned that I had felt some dampness down below, so the doctor was checking to make sure it wasn’t my water breaking. She did mention that there were beads of sweat on my bum. Not to mention when I got up from that exam, I took all the paper off the table with me, stuck to my bum… just one of the joys of pregnancy, right?
I’m notorious for hitting workout partners with my pony tail. Running is the worst because it swishes back and forth. Kick boxing is also a bad offender because we all share a lot of the same space for circuits.
I totally agree with your rules but would like to add to #3. If your gym is nice enough to have spray bottles of cleaner wipe stuff down with it and not your sweaty gym towel. It is a step in the right direction to wipe stuff down at all, but cleaning off the machine with the towel you just sneezed and sweated into doesn’t do me any favors!
Oh, and congrats to Gym Buddy Meghan!!!!!
Women do #2? Are you serious, wow my world just changed.
Nice post, you should do one about all the inappropriate noises people make at the gym as well.
Can’t identify with the gym sweat problem too much. One of the MANY reasons I don’t belong to a gym. Have a kettlebell/climbing ropes/pull up bar odds and ends gym in my garage and of course my own body is available 24/7 for exercise any time I want.
As far as anything flying out of me—besides sweat and gas—that’s about it. Now powerlifters who lift so hard that nosebleeds? That is still on my list.
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When I’m done with my Zumba class I am literally soaked from head to toe. I look like i got caught in a torrential downpour. Meanwhile, the other ladies barely glisten. I usually end up tucking my ponytail into a bun so I don’t spray anyone with sweat.