Elastic Waist is currently looking for “anti-diet” tips, a concept which I love both for the opportunity of turning the diet industry’s sound bites back on them and for the opportunity to practice being witty and pithy. However, despite my being both witty AND pithy (in my own esteemed opinion;)) they have not chosen any of my tips. So I’m going to share my favorite anti-diet tip with you:
“Keep a food journal in which you write down every single bite you eat. That way, if dieting doesn’t work out for you, at least you’ll have a head start on your memoirs. Really, your posterity will thank you. ”
Confessions of an Chronic Food Journal-er
For years (and I do mean years), I took to heart the advice that the best way to keep off the pounds is to write down every morsel that goes into your mouth. It makes you accountable! It helps you “see” what you eat (in case you missed it at the actual time you were eating it)!! It allows you to make charts and graphs of all your macronutriets!!! BRING ON THE OCD!!!!
I even had a fancy little spreadsheet that I created myself to track every number even remotely related to food. By the time I quit doing it, it was so elaborate it took more time from my day than I’m currently willing to admit to. If I’m really honest with myself (which I try to be only on Tuesdays and Saturdays, so you get lucky today), it is probably the #1 most eating-disordered thing I have ever done. I used that fascist journal to dictate exactly what I would and, more importantly, would not eat. If it didn’t fit in my journal, I didn’t eat it. Not even a bite. Not even if it was the special trifle our German friends made us as a gift that was, so my husband told me, “one-in-a-lifetime good.”
“You have so much self control!” people used to always say to me. It wasn’t self-control though – it was fear, pure and simple. That little journal kept everything safe for me but the price I paid was having all the parameters of my life defined by Excel. Not even Bill Gates would want to live that life.
My Wake-Up Call
A couple of years ago my sister wrote a book on our grandmother, a woman whom I loved in a way that I have never been able to love anyone since. She was a teacher, a leader in her community, a published author, a mother of seven (!) children and so beautiful that she turned heads, even in her sixties. She died when I was nine and her memory is sacred to me. I still talk to her in my head sometimes. (See? Honest Tuesdays!)
She was also actively bulimic up until her death. An entire lifetime of bingeing and vomiting. When my sister started going through her journals for the book, she found something so sad and so sickening that it shook me to my pilates-honed core: page after page after page of food. Every bite she took, recorded in her beloved hand.
I knew nothing about how she felt when her children were born. But I could tell you every piece of food she ate on April 12, 1964.
My journal died that day. I killed it. I did not want that to be the legacy I left my children and, someday, grandchildren.
Easier Said Than Done
Like everything worth doing, giving up my journal was harder than I expected it to be. I was afraid to eat without it. It required me to eat according only to my hunger. I had to trust my own body – the very thing that every diet and “health” purveyor out there told me was my worst enemy. My body would sabotage my efforts with its insatiable hunger, they told me. My body wanted to be fat & lazy and unless I mastered it, it would ruin me, they whispered.
I didn’t know how to answer those thoughts in my head at first. It was a leap of faith. I turned off my computer and deleted the file. I called friends to keep my mind busy so it wouldn’t mentally do the calculating that Excel had once done. And at last, I found a different way to emulate my grandmother: I started writing.
Count Your Blessings
Today I still keep a journal. A gratitude journal. Every night before I go to bed, I write at least a couple of sentences about what I am grateful for. Sometimes they are small: “Today I’m grateful for bobby pins. How else could I have all these cool layers in my hair and still get my sweat on at the gym?” Sometimes they are so big I can’t wrap my heart all the way around them: “Today I am grateful for my baby’s chubby fingers as he waved hello to me (and his brother, and the neighbor, and the dog, and the nightstand.)” Sometimes they are tired: “Today I’m grateful for a warm bed and no insomniac tendencies.” Sometimes they are pages and pages of all the blessings God has given me. This is what I want to leave my children to read someday, when I’m gone.
So if you must count something, count these moments. And be grateful for every one.
PS> And in case you are curious as to what happened to my weight after I quit food journalling – the answer is: absolutely nothing. It turns out that “they” are wrong. If I feed my body when it’s hungry and leave it alone when it’s not (just basic respect, in my opinion), it takes care of itself just fine. For which I am very grateful:)
I just love reading your blog. It makes me miss you and also wish I had more time with you in person to get to know you better. Isn’t that one of the great things about the internet? Keep the blog commin’!
That is an interesting story about your grandmother, maybe she did leave you a gift after all. By reading her journal and realizing the mistake she made, you don’t have to repeat it.
i just really want to thank u for writing this post…
as i am dealing with borderline eating disorders i keep tab of almost every number in my head obsessively. i think u have just given me a good boost while i am trying to change. :]
Nice one, nice one.I had always wanted to start food journaling but I was half resisting myself and half lazy for the first step.So I just go by my body signals and be honest with myself.If you know what you ate for your last 3 meals/snacks (surely, you can remember), you know what to do for your next few meals.That’s my way of keeping tabs.
And gratitude is a good thing.I have a friend who lamented that his life has never been filled with significantly good things.I told him I have a drawer full of small gifts/souvenirs that I treasure – key-chains, postcards and what-nots.(I’m watching FIRESTARTER as I write this…)It’s the small mementos that reminds us fondly of the giver.So keep the many little gifts that Life hands out to you along the way in your mental drawer.Once in a while, open it and remember Life fondly through them.He seems to be happy with the suggestion. 🙂
I recently kept a different kind of food journal for a few months. I was REALLY resistant at first, because I used to become really obsessive. But this journal was about what I ate, how hungry I was before and after, and how I was feeling as I ate. There were no calorie counts, no food restrictions, and its only purpose was to help me get in touch with my reasons for emotional eating. Plus, I was working with an intuitive eating counselor. IMHO, if you want to keep a food journal, this is a good way to do it. (I don’t keep one anymore.) And a gratitude journal is a great thing!
Lisa – Thanks! I didn’t realize you even read my blog. I miss you guys too!
Deidras – that is exactly why I wrote this post. Thank you for your comment, it really means a lot to me! Keep trying to make that change – I know it is hard but it is soooo worth it! I promise you will feel so liberated!
Bob – Thanks for the second! I agree wholeheartedly with your comment!
Azusmom – I think your kind of food journalling can be really helpful. It’s not a way to be ruled by numbers but to be more in touch with yourself. I’ll say it again – I love Intuitive Eating!! I’m jealous you actually got to meet with an IE counselor. I never could quite get the program to work for me…
Charlotte I’m so glad you sent me the link to your blog! You are so talented! I’m already converted to your blog!
I have also battled to food journal off and on and have finally realized that life is too short to do that! I need to respect my body and no amount of recording anything is going to make that happen!
What a wonderful post, Charlotte! Like Lisa, I am enjoying the chance to get to know you better through your blog, but darn all these miles between us! 🙁 Anyway, the story of your grandmother was so bitter-sweet…It’s sad that such an accomplished, wonderful woman was so sick. But what a blessing that her story helped you to change what you needed to! Congrats on having the courage to leave the food journal behind. 🙂 And thanks for inspiring me to start keeping a gratitude journal again!
Just want to thank you for your blog. This post is especially helpful as I have been keeping a food journal diligently for the past year. I am consumed by thoughts of what I have eaten (always ‘too much’) and what I am going to eat. How many times have I written in a real journal about things that really matter like my kids and husband? I am going to switch my food journal to a gratitude journal. I wonder what things I could accomplish if I wasn’t so focused on myself and what goes into my mouth and how I will burn it off at the gym.
Thanks for your comment Heather! There are a lot of us like that I think. Good for you for choosing to focus on the things that matter more than calories. It’s a big leap but you won’t regret it! Good luck, girl. Let me know how it goes:)
Charlotte, this post is beautiful. It really hit home for me – I used to be a chronic calorie-counter. It’s taken me YEARS to get over the calorie-obsession that food tracking caused me. And as you suggest, learning NEW ways to journal has really helped. I now keep a written journal – no spreadsheets, no numbers – just thoughts and dreams. I love your gratefulness theme… it really is the right way to think. I mean, all this healthy crap isn’t about calories, it’s about putting yourself in the right head space to take care of your mind and body. You nailed it. THank you!
No, thank you Monica!! Comments like this are exactly why I love doing this blog. Thanks for taking the time to write me!!!
Ironic, isn't it that I never left a comment, and yet this post totally influenced my life. Thank you thank you, Charlotte.
I actually blogged about this post a few weeks back, and again today as it's the first day of kiboshing the calorie counting madness. (IhopeIprayIhopeIpray)
BTW, I also have a spreadsheet- the state hospital would come to take me away if they saw it. 🙂
Deb
Wow, just found this post as I have begun to resume calorie-counting again. It's such a hard habit to break but your words are so powerful here that I am going to make small changes to stop it. Thank you for sharing this story.
Deb & Thinspired – So glad you found this helpful. More than a year later, I still say giving up my food journal was one of the best things I've ever done. Good luck with your own personal battles!
this post is wonderful, after going from overweight to normal, to then severly underweight i have almost forgotten how to eat normally. I still keep a food journal everyday, but i am working on it. this isnt the legacy that i want to leave my children with some day, thank you for reminding me of that 🙂
Charlotte, I found your blog recently and am reading from the start. It's great stuff so far, but this post has really hit home for me. Almost every diet I've tried has required me to journal, and after even a short time I give up in boredom and depression – so thank you for putting it into perspective!
I find menu plans more useful for me, that way, I know what I can eat – both in the sense of what food is available and what food would be good to eat – rather than what I can't.
I've come across gratitude journals a few times now. Maybe now is a good time to start one…
R.
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Wow, I just found your blog. Thanks for sharing this. I love your honesty and your writing style. Looking forward to reading more, though I am kind of bummed however to learn that all the 3 year olds are named Charlotte (according to your About page) as that is our baby’s name and we thought it was so original! I’ve always been amazed at people who didn’t realize their baby’s “original” name was actually super common, but I am telling you, Charlotte did not come up in the top 20 on Babynames.com.
Hahah – this totally made me giggle! I blame Sex and the City. For the record though, I think Charlotte is a perfectly wonderful name and I have no doubt your daughter will wear it well!
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