The "You’re An Idiot" Diet

What, you haven’t heard of it? You’re guaranteed to lose weight – a lot of it even, and very quickly. It’s officially called “Master Cleanse” but I like Gunnar Peterson’s (personal trainer to the stars, but not for long if he keeps blabbing to the media like this – not that I’m complaining) title much better.

For those of you uninitiated, you make a scary concoction out of maple syrup, cayenne pepper and lemons. You drink it. And that’s it. You eat no food. See? Easy-peasy! I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this. Oh…wait, food is necessary for life. Yup, you’d have to be an idiot.

Diet Like A Rockstar
If you are not content with partying like a rockstar, or for those of us who live in the burbs, wearing ironic t-shirts like a rockstar, now you can diet like a rockstar! Or a movie star. Or just a really hot hanger-oner. Suh-weet!

The Daily Mail has a feature on “diet secrets of the stars” that for once doesn’t involve a lot of lying about poodle-walking & pilates. All in all, I can believe that this truly is the key to all those amazing physiques coupled with sallow skin and junkie stares.

How To Become Anorexic and/or An Addict
If you follow all these “star diet” rules, then you will definitely become both. Dream big, I always say.

1. Take Drugs. Oh sure, cocaine and heroin are awesome for weight loss (and brain loss but whatevs – who needs that nonsense?) but all the cool kids are going prescription these days. Adderall (ADD medication), Clenbuterol (asthma inhaler – for HORSES), and of course prescription diet pills and steroids. Can’t find a doctor to prescribe it for you? No problem, that’s what the Internet’s for.

2. Go on Food Jags. One unnamed actress ate only 3 hardboiled eggs a day while shooting Cold Mountain (which narrows – hee! – it down to Renee-I’m-naturally-this-bony-and-puffy-cheeked Zellweger or Nicole-I’m-naturally-this-expressionless Kidman. My money’s on Renee.)

3. Take/Drink Laxatives. Because poop weighs, like, soooo much. And having a working anal sphincter is overrated anyhow.

4. Try a Legal Addictive Substance. Don’t have enough chemicals in your body? Go the old fashioned route and swill caffeine (in any of it’s varieties) and smoke cigs to keep those pesky food cravings at bay.

5. Gymorexia. It’s the new bulimia – and so much easier on your teeth! Your knees, not so much. But who needs ’em?

6. Starve. If all else fails, just don’t eat. Pretty simple, really. Can’t get fat if you don’t eat. Can’t live either. But better to be dead than fat, right? (In case you think I’m kidding head over to the Weighting Game and read all the comments on Leslie’s post about fat people on public transportation. Seriously, so scary (and not Leslie’s fault, btw)).

You Can Never Be Too Rich or Too Thin
Since most of us will never be rich, we’d better focus all our efforts on thin if we want to be anything in this society. Marcia Cross, of Desperate Housewives (a.k.a. the show that made all housewives desperate to look like Eva Longoria), summed it up thusly: “Not eating is a constant struggle. It’s like they pay me not to eat. It’s a living hell.”

I hear hell is nice this time of year.