The scene: Ten women seated around a conference table. Cameras and microphones recorded our every word and gesture. Diet paraphernalia was scattered around like so much detritus. Six obese women faced four thin ones. We eyed each other warily across water bottles, coke cans and a plate of mostly untouched cookies.
Two older, very overweight women pointed at Allison and I and whispered behind their hands. I couldn’t tell what they were saying but the message came across clear enough. I was embarrassed and felt suddenly defensive. A few of the other women stared. One buried her face in a magazine and hid in the corner. Two of them hit the cookie platter that seemed like a strange feature to have at such a meeting. I waited for a hidden camera to be exposed. And the meeting hadn’t even started yet.
West Side Story – Weight Watchers style
We were all there to be part of a paid focus group on weight loss programs (we have already discussed how I sell out) and the only criteria was that we were women who had ever tried a weight loss product. Other than that, we came from all races, ages, socioeconomic strata and even BMIs.
Ostensibly we were there to merely discus our reactions to a new weight loss program marketing campaign – which I can’t write about per the confidentiality agreement I signed – but to do that we pretty much had to bear our souls, insecurities and all, to a bunch of strangers. Weight loss is very personal.
At last, I cleared my throat and said to the woman next to me, “You have the prettiest red hair I have ever seen!” And it really was: auburn, curly, well-moisturized. The hair I have many times tried to dye my hair to be like, before I decided forever forsake my desired Ariel in favor of my natural Snow White.
She grinned. “I was thinking of dyeing it but…”
“Oh you shouldn’t! It’s just gorgeous!”
The mood lightened a little. Then we got down to the business of introducing ourselves. We were supposed to say the diet programs/products we had tried and why. A young woman across the room started, “I have an 18-month old son and I just… can’t lose the weight. I’ve tried everything. Right now I’m on Atkins. And it’s working. When I stick to my plan. Which lasts about two weeks.” She dropped her eyes in shame and her voice quivered. “I just want to be healthy but its so hard, you know?”
Group Focus Therapy Night
Immediately every woman in the room spoke up to comfort her and sympathize. And from then on we were all on the same team. Previous prejudices were forgotten as we unraveled our torrid dieting histories. I’d tell you everyone’s stories except they were all the same: weight lost and regained, exultation followed by embarrassment and depression, and then desperation leading us all to the aisles of our nearest GNC/grocery store/weight loss center in search of the balm that would heal us and allow us to be the person on the outside that we were on the inside. No matter what our skin color or even our weight was, we all had this in common.
It was painful. It hurt listening to everyone else’s stories, especially the one woman who spoke so glowingly about every diet she’d ever tried from Herbalife to Slimfast to Jennie Craig gushing, “It really worked for me! It was really great! It really was!” only to add, “It’s me that’s bad. I just keep gaining the weight back again. See?” And she took another cookie and ate it, whether in defeat or defiance I couldn’t tell.
It also hurt telling my own story. I forget how freakin’ crazy I sound until I say it all out loud. There I was in my size 0 jeans, talking about how I always feel fat and how grocery shopping is a positively excruciating experience for me because I must read every label and compare every product, paralyzing myself with indecision (for reals – ask my husband if he likes grocery shopping with me. He’ll drop bowling balls on his foot and light his hair on fire in response.)
The worst moment for me was when the group moderator asked us, “What was it that first got you interested in diet (or “health” as they kept calling it) products in the first place?” I didn’t know how to answer her because for me there never was a “first” time. I’ve never not been interested in weight loss products. I honestly cannot recall a time, even as a child, when I thought I was okay just “as is.”
Nobody Got Knifed
Dieting and weight loss are the lowest common denominator for women in our society. Go to any locker room (as Leslie can attest) or Girl’s Night Out or scrapbooking party and you will find it. It’s a strange thing though because it isn’t socially acceptable to be “on a diet” anymore. So we hide it from each other or poke fun at ourselves or even, sometimes, break down and cry on a shoulder about it. We rebel against the restrictions of our diets together on New Year’s Eve only to become weight-loss buddies first thing New Year’s Day. Occasionally we sabotage each other. We laugh about it, blog about it, cry about it, write books about it and call our sisters about it because in the end, we all speak the language.
I’m not saying it’s right. I’m not saying it’s wrong either. After the group concluded, Allison and I walked out to our cars with the two women who had been so hostile towards us at the beginning. We were chatting like old friends, sharing recipes and websites – and of course, which protein bars tasted the most like real chocolate.
Have you read Leslie’s post on The Weighting Game about secret dieting yet? It seems like we’re all on the same page at the moment!
It makes me sad that we are so mistrustful of other women, yet we are all bound by the same hang-ups. Fat or skinny, we all measure our worth by the food we eat and the exercise we take.
I’m not sure what it means either – it makes me feel sort of sad that we’re all in the same prison, but sort of relieved that we’re all in it together.
TA x
It would be so much eaier if the grocery store was just the first bits and the back bits (the produce and the meat) with maybe coffee for sale, too 🙂 It’d be like, “which vegetable for dinner kids, kale or zucchini?” and “Oh my, how about strawberries for dessert!!? These look delicious!” Then no one would think it was “them” that was bad, right?
sigh. Time to actively boycott? With petitions and marches?
It’s so interesting that this is so much more a “female” thing than a guy thing–even though the problems/temptations/health risks around over-eating are very similar. What’s messed up about it is that the main thing that’s different is the most superficial: it’s much more important in our culture that a woman “look” good.
For all that we care so much more about appearances, it doesn’t seem to give us all that much motivational help towards eating healthy. We just have a lot more angst about our cookies than the guys do about their burgers and pizza.
You packed a lot of thought provoking material in that post.
Recently, I was taking my lunch walk with a coworker. She is in her 50s, she has a great figure, she is active and eats healthily. She told me that often she felt resentment from heavier women, while at office parties/lunches for looking the way she does and making the food choices she makes. She told me she dealt with it by taking whichever offending food is being offered and then throwing it away. I thought it was nuts when I first heard it. Then I started thinking of all the crazy stuff I do around food and exercise…
There is such a fine line sometimes between fit and fat, between healthy and obsessive, between one who is and remains successful at weight loss and one who doesn’t. At the end of the day, we are all plagued with a sense of not being perfect enough. I am so glad to hear that after that session, the group you are describing seemed to find a sense of unity.
I’m having a hard time relating here. I’ve never seriously dieted, and I’ve never worried that much about eating with other people. There have been a few stressful times, like when I was worried about fitting into my wedding dress or something similar, but those are only rare occasions.
I have seen it in other people, though. My overweight coworkers who are constantly dieting and worrying about what they eat. My Mom when she was actively losing weight.
This is one area that makes me uncomfortable. I have always been a tall, slim, but healthy girl. Stress, my own perfectionism and obsessive tendencies got the best of me a few years ago, and I lost too much weight. I was never on a “diet” – I just ate super healthy and worked out religiously. All the sudden, I had grounds to be hated even more. I was “Hollywood” skinny.
Since then – I have gained back a nice amount, and am still working on the rest – but I have experienced the negative comments and looks from other women ten-fold. I have been accused of using laxatives, starving myself and the like.
I just want to scream to these women that it was never truly about TRYING to be SKINNIER. I just took a too -extreme approach to healthy living and it obviously was too much and I’m trying to reverse it and find a better balance. Hell, I’ve got a weight/food/exercise battle myself, even if it is the opposite.
I never resorted to the methods women assumed I had resorted to. For crying out loud, honestly, I never ate less than 1,800 calories a day (or worked out for hours). And now I only am slowly adding weight with 2,600 calories a day. And I have a heart rate montior so I don’t get my heart rate TOO HIGH, and burn too many calories when exercising.
I guess I’m just trying to say, it can be a lonely world when you’re on the skinny, “healthy” end of things. You’re THAT girl and you’re hated. It’s lonely. There’s so much more to my current slightly underweight-state (my personality tendencies and quirks) and well, to ME period, than just my weight. We really need to be kinder to each other… we all struggle in some way…
I have tried Atkins to Weight Watchers and nothing worked for me. Finally about three years ago I decided to just work out lots…and slowly get into a healthier eating style. Sorry for the ramble, nice post.
Yikes! Grandma is limber.
I want stretchy hamstrings like grandmaw.
It sad how so many of us women have gotten so trapped by weight/food/appearance, to the point that we start viewing each other as opponents. When I have a visceral reaction of dislike to someone, especially if she’s skinny and cute, I always have to ask myself what i reacted to. Happily now, most of the time if I have a gut reaction like that it’s in relation to a curled up lip, a snotty voice, or stand-offish body language, not the girls physical attributes, but actual social cues. I’ll take that as a sign of my psyche healing up.
I’m with you on the grocery shopping thing. I think it drives my husband a little nuts, but I can usually blow through nutritional labels pretty fast (fast reader!). I think he’s still bitter than I took away his pop tarts, though.
k – thanks for your brave commentary – I think many of us can relate in one way or another.
Charlotte – I don’t know where you find these amazing focus groups that double as excellent blog fodder. That sounds like a great learning experience – I bet it was sad hearing everyone’s stories. When I was writing my book, I attended a WW meeting and it was so fascinating to witness the culture – the cheering for each other when a goal is met, the nodding heads in empathy when someone admitted to “cheating.” And yes, when one (as in, any person who has struggled with anorex/bulim) starts talking about body insecurities in public, it is really eye-opening to hear words come out of one’s own mouth like, “I feel fat.” But it’s an illness and hard to shake and you should never feel embarrassed.
The boyfriend finds it VERY frustrating to do stuff with me when there’s food involved. I’ve broken down crying in front of him because of food.
I think that most women can understand that. It IS something we all share because its been ingrained in us. And it’s really sad and unfortunate, but that is what has happened, and now we suffer the consequences and continue to punish ourselves by ingraining it more and more into ourselves and each other. What a viscous cycle.
Just because of this post I’m going to eat blueberry pancakes at Cracker Barrel tonight so my in-laws won’t say crap to me! Sorry, it’s been a looooooonnnngggg day!
Char- Did I send you that picture? I found it months ago and it immediatly made me think of you. That’s you girl friend in a couple decades… Seriously Happy Birthday!! I love reading your blog.