Second Son (4 years old): Whatdahet?? (his favorite nonsensical eptithet – heaven help me when he learns real cuss words) I am SO FAT! Just look at me!
First Son (5 years old): Yeah, well I’m super skinny. Look at my bones everywhere! I’m just a little boy wasting away! (Oh the drama.)
My blood ran cold as I listened to two of my sons discussing their figures over lunch. Where was this coming from? What had I done wrong? Had they overheard something that I said to someone? Overheard a friend’s mom? Had I mistakenly assumed, even though I know it’s not true, that because I have boys I don’t need to worry about body image? I’m careful to never speak of my struggles with food or self image in front of them. I weigh myself with bathroom door locked. I try not to verbally criticize anything on my body in front of them, even if I’m thinking it. But somehow, some of it had obviously leaked through the cracks. I shivered. How had this happened? The little buggers can’t even read yet!
In the time honored tradition of parenting, I always knew I would warp my kids in one way or another but I’d always hoped it would be a penchant for bad musical theater or laughing at inappropriate moments. But not this. Please anything but this. The only thing worse than hating yourself is watching your child hate on their little unblemished self. What should I say to them? As I was cutting apples into slices, my back to them, I could only listen as they continued.
Second Son: Look at my big fat cheeks and my wubba chin! (Don’t ask me what a wubba chin is.)
First Son: I’m a skeleton! Seriously!! (And yes, the second son IS bigger than his older brother.)
It was at this point I finally turned around, heart in my throat. Only to be confronted with my two boys staring at their reflections in their soup spoons. The eldest was looking at the inside of his spoon which distorted his image from Jimmy Neutron to Agyness Deyn (which is not that far of a leap now that I think about it. Consider the hair. And the fondness for ugly shorts). 
The middle child was checking himself out – and grinning like the Cheshire Cat – in the back of his spoon, his childishly round cheeks now full-on Alfred Hitchcock jowels.
I sagged with relief.
Second Son: I’m so fat I eated a hundred cookies!
First Son: “You ate a hundred cookies.”
Second Son: I know! I eated a hundred cookies and fifty meatballs.
First Son: Shut up, you’re saying it wrong! “Eated” is baby talk!
Second Son: I am not a baby! You shut up!
First Son: No YOU SHUT UP!
Second Son: SHUT UP!!!
Now that all was right again in my preschool universe where shirts are kleenexes and underwear is considered optional, I wanted to relax in knowing that my boys had no idea what loaded words they were flinging around. But I couldn’t because I know that this conversation will happen again. Probably sooner rather than later. And I still don’t know what to say.
Please boys, don’t be like Mommy?
All of you parents (or just people with strong opinions about parenting) help me out here! How do you talk about weight & food & body image with your kids? Is the subject verboten? Do you let them see you weigh yourself? What about when they ask why you are eating different food than they are? Do you point out scary skinny people in magazines? What do you say when your child points at an obese woman riding in one of those scooters at the store and asks why she gets to ride it when she’s so big she’s going to break it (yeah, true story. And he was LOUD.)? How do you explain good nutrition to them without becoming the nutrition nazi? Any help is much appreciated. My mommy angst thanks you.
I’m sorry I don’t have much advice. For me, that path seemed inevitable once I realized I was on it. Sometimes you can’t protect your children from themselves. Sometimes you just have to “struggle with yourself, so you may become yourself.”
Anyway, I was coming to you for advice anyway. Today I ate a DELICIOUS red organic apple that gave my mouth an orgasm (bought with the $1.64 I scraped from the bottom of my purse in front of the oh-so-patient cashier), a cup of purple kale, a cup of romaine lettuce, .6lb of baked Alaskan salmon w/ garlic and cilantro and olive oil and salt and pepper (to die for), a cup of 2% milk (cuz I wanted carbs and was willing to *compromise* [the magic word]), and 2 sips of half & half.
Which comes to only 584 calories on Fitday.
Now. I don’t think my body is going to be eager to tap into my fat storage (which turns out to be 29%!!! Holy cow!) if there is muscle conveniently available and easily assessible (btw, the fish only got me up to 34g of protein).
I know you’re not Mark, but do you have any suggestions to boost my calories? Is boosting my calories necessary? It’s almost 10pm. I was thinking maybe frying an egg and making a protein shake with a banana?
Are you experiencing a lack in calories as well?
I don’t weigh myself much, so I don’t know if I’d let my kids see me do it. I guess it depended on how often I was weighing myself.
I do like when they are awake when I get home from the gym in the morning. I also like when we do exercises together. I want to teach them that it’s important to be active.
I think the focus should be on health rather than thinness or muscle-yness. 🙂
We also talk about eating “growing food” versus junk food. A little junk food is okay, but we need to make sure our bodies get all the growing food it needs to be healthy.
I’m 25, male, not a parent…
but my parents never really talked to me about weight, or body image. Growing up, I was always the shortest kid in the school, and likely one of the skinniest as well. My parents weighed me every once in a while, but the main concern was always about height; they always reassured me that I’d grow taller when I got older. I was fine with that–I knew I was short, but it didn’t bother me at all. Although recently, I found out that my mom used to worry a lot about my height, had me tested for growth hormone (registered at the very lowest end of normal), and even considered giving me growth hormone. I don’t remember that stuff happening at all–just some random trip to the doctors, and they must’ve drawn blood. I was just a totally oblivious kid. (and my opinion is that most kids are totally oblivious to the world of grownups) But they were right, I did grow, (between junior and senior year of high school), and am now 5’8.
About food: my family always ate together, and so we always ate the same food. My parents would always tell me to eat my vegetables (using basically every tool available to convince/coerce me to eat them), and being a kid, I’d always resist and eat what I liked to eat (usually meat). I used to be very hesitant to try new foods, so it wasn’t hard at all for my parents to eat different food. They’d halfheartedly offer me to try some, and I’d take a look, maybe a sniff, but almost always refuse. I don’t see why you’d need to eat different food as your kids–is there any reason why they can’t eat what you’re eating? With kids, they’ll eat what they want to eat of the choices they’re given, and some of what you force them to eat.
As for nutrition, my parents would only let me and my sister eat one piece of candy a day, and it was always stored out of sight and out of reach. If we wanted candy, we’d have to ask for it. More often than not, I’d forget. We’d rarely have dessert, and always have fruit after a meal–and even when we did have cake or pie, we’d always eat it with milk, and my mom would usually comment that the cake or pie is “too sweet”. I don’t know if being raised this way affected us or if it’s genetic, but my sister and I never developed a sweet tooth–ripe fruits are the sweetest things I’ll eat. I’m thankful that I don’t have a sweet tooth.
Sorry for the long essay about my life, but anyway, kids will be kids, and mothers will be worrying too much about their kids and encouraging their kids to eat more vegetables and avoid sweets.
Again not a parent (although I nearly wept with relief when you revealed the soup spoons, so goodness knows how you must have felt!) but I can certainly say what went wrong for me.
My dad grew up a fat kid and I’m certain his neurosis wore off on me. Thing is… he was always really normal around food. The thing that leaked into my childhood subconscious was more an attitude of constant self-scrutiny and self-improvement – the Diet Mentality.
I think a part of it is not showing your kids if you’re hard on yourself. There is nothing wrong with high standards, but make sure they are not iron-clad, and that rules can sometimes be broken. Tell them that you’re proud of them, that although achievements are important, being a good person should be foremost.
I’m sure you do all this already, but these are the lessons I have learned and intend to implement with my own kids one day.
TA x
I dont pretend to have any CLUE but am swing by and will be back to read what those who DO possess a clue have to say….
M.
This is one of my greatest fears for my future children. I’m eager to hear what everyone has to say!
I’m trying to just keep my boys (8, 6 and 4) really active and offer them somewhat decent food! This past spring they did track and field and played soccer.
My husband has lost a TON of weight over the past 6 months so they hear dad talk about calories all the time which doesn’t thrill me but it’s also a fact of life. They are seeing him make better food choices which I think is beneficial.
Bottom line: don’t stress! You’re a great mommy! And you have darling children – wubba chins and all!
Cara – this may sound silly but eat more. Really. Meat is the most calorie dense. Are you a vegetarian trying to go Primal? If so, do you eat cheese? I’d make that the compromise on this plan if you do – again, calorie dense. Mark recommends hard cheeses. And raw. But take what you can get. Nuts are another good calorie source on the “plan.”
Charlotte – I think dyslxec (ok, writing that made me dyslexic) has a great point. Kids will be kids. But also, I don’t remember eating differently than my parents, but I’m not sure how far back I remember. I do remember being forced to eat brussel sprouts and being told we have to eat so much of our dinner, which my mom now regrets. But I don’t think her hang ups effected me. Society affected me, maybe, but not her. She always tried to just feed us healthy food, and that lesson stuck.
Of course, we got Little Debbie’s in our lunch every day, and I was never a fat kid. Go figure. Oatmeal Creme Pies ROCK. So not Primal. 🙁
Cara – yay for organic apples! It’s amazing to me the taste difference between a quality piece of fruit and one that’s been sitting in a refrigerated truck for 6 months. Anyhow, you need more calories. Don’t stress too much – one day super low is no biggie – but you do need to figure out what you are comfortable eating. I’m having a bit of the same struggle & am finding I just don’t want to eat at some meals (I think I’m still having a mental tantrum and being a vegetarian). Anyhow – AT22 is totally right. I have been eating nuts like crazy and they are very caloric. And eggs. Yesterday I had a piece of salmon and some shrimp. I also “compromised” and ate a Greek yogurt. Especially if you are working out you need to eat plenty of cals or your metabolism will crash and will actually take you farther from your goal. E-mail me if you need more ideas about what to eat! I feel your transition pain tho, sister.
dylexcs – Thanks for sharing your story! I wish I didn’t have a sweet tooth.
Tokiangel- I totally know what you mean about the “diet mentality” – got passed down in my fam as well.
AT22 – we got little Debbies every day too and you are so right about those oatmeal pies! Mmmm…
The spoon story is sooo precious!
Well, i might be a nutrition nazi… i have some friends that would probably think so. BUT….
We talk about being comfortable in your own skin a lot (I have 3 boys,3 girls). We talk about healthy eating choices and whole foods and exercise. When my kids make comments about larger sized people (and OMG have they), we talk about how sometimes people have physical/emotional issues that make a healthy lifestyle difficult and how important it is to start living healthier everyday. We’re an active family.
My 13 yo dd reads your blog and we discuss it often. When you posted the anorexic model post, I called my boys in to look at the pictures and we talked about them.
Sometimes they see me weigh myself, but I don’t everyday. They see daddy weigh himself just as often.
But this is the most important for my family and I have to yell… WE DON’T EAT DIFFERENT STUFF. We don’t have adult meals and kid meals. My kids range in age from 2-13 years. Why am I going to give them something I wouldn’t eat?
Television… any of it. Uggh, the body image stuff even in cartoons makes me crazy. Limit it, period.
I do think it’s a difficult balance in today’s society. I don’t want to have them over focus and self scrutinize. I tell them they are strong and beautiful. I tell them to think independently and analytically. In the end, I’m human and their will be things I’ll wish I’d done differently.
Lori
I don’t have kids yet so I can’t comment on the parent perspective. But I’m not too far away from being a kid myself (still in my 20s). And there was never all that much verbal emphasis on body image in my family, but man was there a non-verbal focus. I would get these LOOKS from my mother if I took too much dessert at a party. When I first came home as an adult we were all shopping together, and I picked up a bag of cookies and some butter, and maybe because I was an adult (of 25 I think), my mother felt free to say “your diet is so awful.” And I had to respond that no it wasn’t, it was just different than hers (and the cookies were not consumed in one day, as they would have been in high school – the main difference being in high school I would have totally internalized that comment and felt horrible about myself).
I mostly ate the same thing as my parents, the only difference sometimes being that they ate a different vegetable than I did (I think the only one I ate as a teenager was peas, I was pretty picky). I was never forced to eat my whole dinner, though I couldn’t have dessert if I didn’t finish it.
It’s hard, because sometimes it’s not just the verbal cues parents give that hit the hardest. I think it’s most important just to focus on exercise, teaching them how to eat properly (it’s amazing how many people don’t realize some of the fundamentals of nutrition), and that’ll stand them in good stead in the future. They may still have some body issues (it’s really hard not to in this day in age), but focusing on the positive health aspects of eating will teach them plenty.
Not a parent, so am clue-free. Fortunately my parents never really made weight an issue with us when we were growing up – guess they were too busy with the seven of us!
Sounds like many of your other readers have good advice.
I was listening to Dr. Joy Browne on the radio and she was talking about raising her daughter. She proceeded to say how she didn’t like the way her mother raised her, so where her mother was strict, she was lenient, where her mother made her clean up everything, she let her daughter be more messy, and so forth. She concluded her lesion by saying, now her daughter is exactly like her MOTHER! Ha Ha!
Dr. J
Ever since I was 10, for better or worse, I ate differently than my parents. Our stomachs just operate differently. They pretty much ate atkins before there was atkins (big hunks of meat, lots of veggies, salad for dinner every night). I get physically ill eating that way, to fuel my body for activity and my brain for creativity I need my carbs. I like meat as a condiment most meals, not the focus. Sadly, they didn’t know what to do with me, so they let me eat whatever I wanted which was a lot of canned or boxed food. I’m just now learning how to eat healthy-ish without being miserable at it.
Not a mom, but from traumatized experiences as a child with food – kids are NOT meant to eat low carb, so thats at least one reason I can see why the parents might have a different diet than the kids. Sort of a tangent here (when am I not on one) but I had to say it.
As for body image, my mom was always trying to lose weight and always said I needed to make sure I watched what I ate so I didn’t end up like her, but since I was so active, I didn’t gain any weight when I was younger. Gymnastics did give me body issues a bit when I got really into it, but I was more concerned with the workout part of it than the eating. I’m not sure *how* I was so cluelessly oblivious I was a giant at 5’5″ and 125, but I’m thankful for it.
i dont have children, obviously, but when i was going through recovery for my ED, i would often sit and think, holy crap, am i going to be feeding my children dinner, and then sneaking off to the bathroom to purge while they eat their mac and cheese? am i going to be so consumed with food that i either feed them crap out of guilt or feed them nothing but healthy food out of guilt? i was petrified at the idea of my illness shaping the way someone else sees food.
even now i still dont know if i will be comfortable taking them to mcdonalds, or buying them candy for no reason.
i remember that my mom NEVER eat with us- or ever really- but was always over weight. now i know its because she was drinking all her calories, but i grew up just thinking that daddies had giant plates of food, and mommies never ate. and im going to grow u pto be a mommy, so women just dont eat very much in general.
i have no parenting wisdom, but i would just say that watching what you do and say around them is more important than what you say TO them.
Phwew, thank goodness for spoons.
I don’t really have any advice, but when I was a nanny I remember the girls I took care of made fun of people all the time for being overweight. They were rather rude. I was intimidated by the parents and didn’t like to disrupt the fragile harmony so I wouldn’t really say anything when they did this- I’ve regretted it ever since that I didn’t try to teach them a healthier attitude. They were perfectly comfortable with their own looks, which was good, but they were highly critical of other people, and that I really did not approve of. I wish I hadn’t kept silent.
The only advice I can give is to avoid talking about weight, diets, calories, or body parts.
When I was growing up, there was constant chatter about who was fat, who got skinny, who ate too much, yada yada yada. My mother was constantly on a diet, my brother was skinny as a rail, and I kept hearing “You’re not fat yet, but you have to be careful.” Like, from the time I was 6!
Overeating or gaining weight were huge crimes in my family, and my eating was monitored very closely. Hmmm…wonder why I ended up with an ED?
Not a parent, (so of course I still know that when this all comes up I’ll do it the right way) 😉
I did have my aunty duty present me with a related issue. My 8yo neice is overweight, and her parents have already f*cked her up royally about everything (her dad teases meanly, her mom does her own binge eating/crash dieting thing). She asked why I was always drinking water or something instead of pop or juice (like her and her family) and I said that water is healthier and that I treat pop and juice and “sometimes” treats and not for every day. She was completely blown away and had no idea about the concept of healthy and unhealthy foods. I said something like if you only drink pop it will rot your teeth and make you fat. She said “oh well I’m only drinking water from now on then”. Like nobody ever told her that it was good for her. sheesh.
I know your post was about how to keep kids comfortable and happy with their bodies, but I think it’s related to childhood obesity. You want them to be happy as they are, but you still want them to be healthy.
I wish I had your number, or some type of portable computer… they really should invent one of those by now! 😉 Anyway, I went to the farmer’s market and I bought 100% grass fed buffalo!!!!! Holy crap. I also ate… a 100% organic hamburger!!!! Sooo much easier to get protein this way. I haven’t had the desire for nuts AT ALL… although I will choke down a few after a work out. Well, now that I am on a better sleep schedule, I am sleepy (2:15pm), so I might just take a nap. How have you been doing??? Are you going to update about the PB weekly, or just at the end, or just when you feel inspired?
That “eated meatball” conversation took place between my husband and I last nite.
I don’t have kids but have seen how they absolutely SOAK UP everything they hear, so if they hear a parent or friend’s parent or actress on TV complaining about their weight or being fat or not wanting to eat a certain food, they parrot it. What kind of TV is on the house (u don’t strike me as a big TV person, tho.) Might they be hearing this at friends’ houses? Friends’ older sibs? You? Regardless, I have a strong inkling they’ll turn out AOK…but it’s good that you’re so aware of it. Good luck! Keep us posted.