Or you could just cut to the chase and do this.
Whether you like group fitness or running solo through your neighborhood, the cool thing about exercising is all the opportunities you get to completely humiliate yourself. So it is with some trepidation I share my top ten ways to embarrass yourself whilst exercising. Because you know I’ve done all of these. Sigh. And because I love you all so much, I’ve included my tips for covering up your faux pas.
10. Snap yourself with a resistance band. (Jump ropes also work well for this and you get bonus points if you hit yourself in the face.)
How-To: Stand on the band while holding both handles. Next look down to check your feet positioning, just in time to see the band fly loose and smack you right between the eyes. Make sure to whip your head back, mutter a general purpose curse word and then try and pretend like it never happened – all while sporting a bright red hickey between your eyes.
Quick Fix: If you have to return to work immediately after, just pretend it was an eyebrow wax gone terribly wrong. Note: do not try to use “bikini wax” as an excuse. HR will not be amused.
9. Get stuck. Preferably in some equipment.
How-To: Pick a piece of equipment you have no idea how to use, walk confidently over to it and set it at max weight or speed. Now don’t be a wuss, if anyone offers you instruction, tersely wave them off. Jump on. Try not to scream as you are folded like an overstuffed burrito. If you need ideas, start here. Overachievers, you’ve got this baby.
Quick Fix: As soon as you have extricated yourself (assuming you can), mop the sweat off your face and say loudly, “Man, that was good! Good burn! Yeah!!” That way people will think you meant to do it.
8. Make funny faces, sex noises, or whimper while weight lifting.
How-to: This one’s easy. Just go with your gut. You know what they say – sing like nobody’s listening, dance like nobody’s watching (boring, much?) and lift like nobody else is present. Grunting and screaming are a little overdone. I recommend seizures. Or crying.
Quick Fix: Wear earphones – even if they aren’t attached to anything but your pocket lint. Then you can always pull them out and stage-whisper “Nobody told me Farewell to Arms ends like that!” You’ll be safe because anyone old enough to have read Hemingway and remember the ending (which is sad) will probably have dementia. Everyone else will just think you are sensitive and awesome. Or perverted, depending on exactly what noises you were making.
7. Fly off the treadmill.
How-To: One word – Zoomers. Mess this baby up and it’s the fastest route to becoming a human skid mark I know of. My other failsafe way to fall off the treadmill is to get into a really good conversation with Gym Buddy Allison who is on the treadmill next to me, slowly drift to one side of the ‘mill because I’m not looking forward and then – whammo – off I go.
Quick Fix: Stand up, throw up your arms and present to the judges. 10 points for blood.
6. Fart or otherwise smell bad.
How-To: So many methods, so little time. You may recall my laundry error that landed me in this boat but there are many roads to this same end. I encourage creativity. For you outdoorsy types stepping in dog poo at the beginning of your run is good. Make sure to get it all stuck in the tread on your trail runners. And if you need a how-to on farting then I’ll have to refer you to an expert. Please proceed directly to the nearest 12-year-old boy.
Quick Fix: The universally accepted method is to just pretend like you don’t smell anything. One step better is to stand in front of a fan and hope that it blows the scent away from you. Best? Spray on half a bottle of your favorite drug store perfume/cologne because everyone loves Charly as much as you do.
5. Wear inappropriate workout clothing.
How-To: I’ve covered this already but to sum up, be sure to wear your shortest, tightest and brightest outfits. Girls, you are aiming for a camel toe. Men, hammer pants are your best friend. And always show as much skin as possible.
Quick Fix: Ask yourself, “Would Madonna wear this?” If the answer is “yes” then take it off. Or invest in a really good friend who’ll tell you straight up. Last ditch effort, call your mom. We know things.
4. Douse yourself with your water bottle.
How-To: Take a big swig from your wide-necked environmentally-sound BPA-free water bottle. While running. This works best on a treadmill although I’ve seen people do it in outdoor races too. Extra points if it’s actually Propel in your bottle. See? Easy as falling off a log. Hey – that’s fun too!
Quick Fix: Just pretend you’re really sweaty. Which actually isn’t a fix unless you look like a supermodel. For the rest of us, we’ll just have to try and move to the treadmill in front of the fan or wait until the sun dries us off. Try not to think about how thirsty you now are.
3. Be a bad sport.
How-To: Have “a spot” in group fitness classes and smack anyone who comes into your personal space. Spit into drinking fountains. When somebody lifts more than you mutter, “Too bad I strained my shoulder of I’d totally whup you.” Never clap. Never smile. Don’t share. But nobody can explain this concept better than this guy. Watch him, in the Olympics, kick a ref in the head. Banned FOR LIFE from competing.
Quick Fix: Don’t be that guy. (Or girl.) Just don’t.
2. Sweat in funny places.
How-To: Wear a sweat-showing color like gray. Make sure your clothes are as tight as spandex-ly possible. Add a great cardio class or a super intense weight session and viola: sweat in places other than is generally considered socially acceptable like your pits, or chest if you’re a dude. I won’t detail all the embarassing places that sweat stains can appear – you know what your personal sweat-print looks like.
Quick Fix: Gym Buddy Allison has a clever technique. She wears two tank tops layered over one another. The bottom one picks up the sweat while the top one stays fresh and dry. My fix? Kick it up a notch and sweat so much that it all blends together into one big stinky mess. Which is probably why in all our pics, she’s the cute one and I look like a drowned rat.
1. Don’t you hate it when lists end on a funny number? Like nine??
How-To: Help me fill in the number 1 spot by telling me in the comments your best method of embarrassing yourself. Pictures will earn you my undying love. The awesomest stories will be featured in a post of their own.
Quick Fix: Telling people about your embarrassing moments make you seem witty and self-deprecating. They can’t laugh at you if you’re already laughing at yourself! Right???
Extra Credit: Synchronized Stretching
Didn’t get enough Olympics in your life? Start your own sport of synchronized stretching by picking someone on the stretching mats who is really working it out. Then sit down next to him or her, as close as possible without actually sitting on them, and proceed to do whatever they do. Be sure to make your movements graceful – toes pointed, arms fully extended, back straight. Feel free to throw in extra little flourishes like gestures, waves to the “judges” (who are probably peeing their pants laughing), and a bright toothy smile. Just don’t ruin it by telling your “partner” what you’re doing. Letting them discover is half the fun.
Most of my embarassing experiences involve sweating in unfortunate places… generally leaving sweaty bottom patches on my bench at Body Pump due to excessive cardio beforehand. The shame!
Ooh but don’t forget the guy intently working out in the Women Only section… he’s clearly gone there to perv and hasn’t realised there is a REASON why all the hot chicks are working out in the same area… until he gets escorted off by a member of staff, anyway…
TA x
camel toe.
seen the movie Weatherman?
(hey why cant we edit our comments 🙂 didnt mean to post yet.)
Im feeling more and more thankful that *right now* my workouts are mainly at home. although midday when it’s feeling like there are 8742839743 hours in an afternoon I might welcome a visit from the pervy guy in the womens section!!
this isn’t really THAT bad but how about “Get a spray tan immediately prior to working out.” Then you sweat little brown rivulets of sweat and your towel gets stained brown and you look like you did something disgusting or are just a dirty, dirty person in general.
PS I NEVER wear gray!
Miz is right – cameltoe is pretty horrendous.
Charlotte! I think you could have a career as a speaker at health clubs! At the very least, they need to put your list on the front door!
Charlotte, Brilliant post.
One of my most embarrassing moments: practicing my L-seat to handtand, I swung to quickly through my legs and instead of going into planche and then handstand I went completely over onto my ass. Not only did I hit my ass, but I also fell, quite literally, on top of the old lady (55+) stretching next to me (I should tried synchronized stretching instead). she kind of laughed and then limped off. Later I found out it was one of the personal trainer’s mothers when he said, “My mom said there was some crazy American in here trying to do handstands and fell on top of me” Um….
The other most embarrassing moment, trying to look way too cool walking off a long treadmill run and missing a step. Yes, missing the step and falling completely on my face as if to say, I am too, way too cool to worry about stupid things like steps I quickly hop up, not realizing that I had fallen near a machine and bang my head. I am a complete mess in the gym.
This post gives me hope. Thanks so much!
Funny! The only one I’ve done is the water.
I may have to try synchronized stretching. That sounds fun. (I wish I went to your gym.)
Oh my gosh – you crack me up Charlotte!!
I’m really looking forward to these responses!
Euh yeah, I embarass real easy. And honestly, I stay away of any situation which has the potential for shame. But like Mizfit… camel toe…
As a self-proclaimed expert on making an ass of myself, I have some addendums and some stand alones;
9b. Get hair stuck in equipment. Bonus points for twisting to get it out, but only further tangling it such that only another person or a pair of scissors can save you.
2b. Sweat so much a small pool forms around your spin bike. Also, being so warm during outdoor sport that you’re steaming.
Original idiocy;
– Be very off step during group class. Be so enthusiastic that being “off step” soon escalates to “running into another participant and knocking them down”.
– Walk into the wrong changing room. (I’ve attempted to regain my dignity in this situation with a “As you were gentleman” before scampering out the door.)
– Not applicable to all, but while wearing football shoulder pads try to run out of the dressing room and succeed only to knock yourself backwards because you can’t fit unless sideways.
And sadly, I could go on and on…
Hilarious! I always look like a drowned rat when I leave the gym too, I know it’s a good day when I’m evenly drenched and no longer spotty.
So one of the most embarrassing moments I can remember was when I was way, way younger but I’ll tell anyways. I used to do acrosport (like those guys in the picture, but slightly less, um, yeah) and my instructor was HAWT. He was using me as an example to show the group a lift, which involved my ass near his face (going from a straddle position on the ground to a handstand balanced on top of his hands, flipping around a lot in the process), and I ripped a stinky one in front of everyone. I was MORTIFIED. Needless to say, I never got to be example girl again!
Ok, so given all the comments about camel toe, now I’m really paranoid that I don’t commit this faux pas – does wearing underwear avoid it? Or do I have to actually get all high maintenance?
Loey – one better on the being off-step in step class is when there’s a multiple step class where we’re all sharing benches. Like last night in my class when we did vertical double step. Cue the beginners who to their credit, actually didn’t bump into each other, but came damn close.
Sometimes when I’m teaching spin class, I try to take a drink, but given the wide mouth of my water bottle, and the movement of my legs on the bike, I more often then not end up covering my chest in water. At least the members who see this laugh good naturedly about it (rather than pointing and laughing…)
There’s this one guy at my gym who’s a complete character. Great that he’s working out, but he’s a little TOO enthusiastic in classes. Before class starts, he’s usually dancing around to the music in his head. Once, we were on the bosu (on our hips, facing the ground), doing some lower back moves. He decided to modify (I love when members are comfortable enough to modify if they need to), and wasn’t using the bosu, just lying on the ground, flailing his arms and legs and saying (loudly) “this isn’t too hard!” Um, yeah.
Other than unsightly sweating or problem flatulence (especially in a the course of a yoga practice), I would say the most embarrassing act would be to hit one’s self in the face or body while boxing, or hitting a punching bag, being distracted and having the punching bag swing back and hit you.
Thwacking yourself in the face on the rowing machine is always fun. Get into a fast, steady pace, preferably at a higher tension.
20-30 minutes in, when you’re good and sweaty…
slide halfway off the seat, twist your ankle, and have sweaty right hand slip off handle.
Thwack! Straight to the chin.
Bonus points for biting your tongue.
Oh Charlotte, this post is hilarious!
As for me, um, tripping over my own feet in front of my pilates class, filled with brand,new students (and, yes, I’m their instructor!). Managed to save face by saying “This is why I teach pilates; we’re already on the ground.”
I also thwacked my shin on a pilates reformer during my first-ever reformer class as a teacher, and then, a couple weeks later in that same class, bled profusely the entire time from a tiny little cut I didn’t even know I had until one of my clients asked why I was bleeding so much.
I don’t use the treadmill anymore. Too many humiliating incidents.
I like to keep my humilations private, in the locker room–namely, hitting my head on my own locker door. Generally twice in a row.
And anyone who needs a good long belly laugh should just check me out on the stability ball — it’s a cross between vintage SNL and a car crash you can’t look away from. The addition of sweat really helps too. Oh, the humanity!
I think most of my contributions have been covered but I have one more.
When doing any variety of arm exercises with dumbbells, mis-aim the dumbbell and whack yourself with it HARD. Bonus points if you whack yourself while doing tricep kickbacks or shoulder presses.
The Fix: Keep going, pretending it didn’t hurt or even happen. Ignore the growing bruise and wear t-shirts that cover it up until it no longer makes people want to hurl.
I am with you on the sweating as much as possible to prevent the weird sweat stain patterns. I wish I could be one of those people that doesn’t sweat but alas my cooling system is quite efficient!
I often find that I walk in to things in the free weight room as navigating the people working out while still getting to where I need to go can be difficult. I clip a leg on a bench, or my hip on a bar, or quite often my iPod headphone cord wraps around a bar while I am walking by which in turn tries to tear my pocket out of my shorts or a hole in my pocket (where they are clipped) Always swift!
i haven’t done too many embarrassing things while working out … thankfully. what i have done is …
– trip over free weights. in my defense, it’s usually because someone didn’t rerack them. losers.
– step on the ice for warm-up before a game – in uniform and with a few people in the stands – and proceed to fall twice before i notice i somehow stepped on a glob of hockey tape that was preventing me from, y’know, skating.
i’m sure now that i’m thinking about it i’ll have a few more soon …
Most of my embarrassing situations involve hot yoga. In my first class the instructor kept saying its normal to get dizzy so i kept pushing until i passed out and fell on my head while leaning over to pick up the water bottle. Turns out most people just sit down until they feel better. Also (after working up nerve to return and become a regular) very flamboyantly shook my towel out to cover the yoga mat and flung a pair of lacy thong undies across the room.
I’m the girl with the atomic wedgie and the faded reindeer panties.
After a particularly grueling spinning class, I was smart enough to think: “I should get off this bike carefully because I just might collapse”.
No chance of me falling to the floor. Somehow I managed to hook my shorts on the seat and didn’t realize it until I tried to step away. Needless to say, my shorts decided they were really meant to be a thong and I was awkwardly leashed to the bike because I’m so short (I had to get back on the bike to free myself).
But best of all, the entire class got to see my sweat-drenched, ancient ugly panties…because why wear your pretty ones when you’re working out?
OOHHH how we all have passed gas when we’re deep in our workout.
Especially during core exercises!!!!
I grunt, and moan and pant and swear and pull really weird faces when weight lifting…
I have noticed that as soon as i start doing it, others start. I think everyone wants to, but some people are just a little embarrassed, but when they see someone else doing it they think ‘what the hell!’
I seem to have a balance problem. I have fallen several time while walking in the neighborhood. Right after we moved into our current house, I went on a morning walk and while walking through a puddle, slipped on the mud on the bottom of the puddle. I had mud dripping down my back, butt and hair. I walked home limping and muddy on the main street of the neighborhood completely embarassed, praying that no one saw the fall, but knowing that many people were driving by wondering why I was covered in mud.