I hate eating in public. And I say this fully realizing that many of you who read this have had occasion to eat with me. If I invite you over, to my home, things are not so hard for me. I have control over the menu, the ingredients, and the portions. I can even control the color of the table wear. After all, there is a reason all my plates are blue. Take me out of my comfort zone and things get tricky.
First of all, I need to know what is in my food. No, you don’t understand. I need to know what is in my food. Call me OCD, eating disordered or just neurotic but this is important to me. When I don’t know how it was prepared and what is in it, it makes me very nervous to eat it. Cue the ominous music every time I enter a restaurant. Thankfully some places are posting their nutritional information online but that is small comfort considering they lie more than the entire body of Congress on the day before elections.
Now, add people – often people who know about my sordid eating disordered past – and you have a recipe for complete crazy. Being a natural born worrier, I worry a lot. I worry about what to order. Seriously, there is nothing more painful then watching me peruse a menu. It will make even the most patient gourmand kick me under the table. Then I worry about what you think about what I’m ordering. I worry about whether the chef will add extra oil or cheese. I worry about saying that I’m worried for fear of exposing myself for the freak that I am.
Inevitably when my food comes there is something wrong with it. There is unaccounted for shine on my veggies. There is a bed of pasta that wasn’t mentioned on the menu. There is too much cheese and not enough sauce. They dressed my salad in the kitchen. The “whole grain” bread looks white. But I won’t say any of these things to the waiter. Even though any one of these will render my meal inedible to me.
The pain is heightened immeasurably if it is not a nameless back-of-the-house chef who prepared my food but a good friend. One who has invited me over dinner. One who has invited me over for dinner knowing full well the extent of my “issues.” One who has done her utmost best to abide by my every nutritional precept, naively unaware that her efforts will probably fail because that’s how strong my neurosis is.
During the meal, I worry more. I worry about how much to eat. I simultaneously worry about appearing not to eat and appearing to eat too much. Will you think I’m a pig? Will you wonder why I’m eating that ice cream sundae when I am normally such a healthy eater? Will you wonder why I’m not eating the special lasagna you baked meat-free just for me? Will you quietly tsk “anorexic” and look away? Will you stare?
I have acquired many habits over the years suited to different eating environments. If it is a buffet or pot luck with a lot of people involved, I’ll generally skip the food entirely. I may carry around a plate with a few things on it. If I eat anything, I’ll make a big deal about it so everyone will know I am eating. If it is a more intimate setting, usually one involving sitting at a table, I’ll try sitting next to one of my kids. That way I’ll have an excuse to get up if the anxiety overtakes me. At the very least I can feed them bites of my food. If no kids are involved, then I pick and poke, hyperaware of every bite I take. But I’ll talk a lot and laugh loudly hoping to distract you from the battleground that is my plate. If it is just you and I, one-on-one with our food, then all bets are off. My worry may consume me to the point where I become nauseated and unable to eat. Or, the switch may flip and I’ll eat it all. It’s hard to say.
It is a strange form of hubris I suffer from. I do realize that probably nobody cares what I eat or don’t eat. People do not go out to fancy restaurants to scrutinize what is on my plate. And yet, I worry.
I also worry that by telling all of you this you will not want to eat with me again and I will finally be shunned in the exact way my paranoid mind tells me I will be. But more likely many of you are reviewing eating experiences with me in the past and going, “ahhh, well it all makes sense now!” I confess all of this because I don’t want you to think it is you or your food. It’s never really about the food. It’s about my need to control things.
I don’t like being like this. It’s a hard line to walk: balancing that physical need to eat with my mental need to not eat in public. And I know it doesn’t have to be this way. I see all of you eat so joyfully and carelessly. You are my goal. How will I reach that comfortable place? With practice.
So please, keep eating with me. Be patient. I am already better than I used to be.
Charlotte. wow- what a fascinating post- thanks for opening up.
Oddly I find myself in the opposite situation. I find myself so busy with the kids I don’t usually eat either…but it makes me angry. (What? leftovers? all the food’s cold? grrrr) SO I tend to hoard when I get the chance. As for eating our at restaurants it feels very much the same. We (sadly) don’t eat out more than once a month. So when we DO go out I tend to go overboard with the food, appetizers, desserts, etc. Somehow i think it will last me until the next time we enjoy fine dining…(always a mystery)
wow. we kind of sound pathetic. ah well.
Anway, this really was enlightening, thanks for sharing. Seems like that’s a huge step in the right direction.
Hm… *drumming fingers on the desk* I’m now reflecting on every single time we have eaten together. My initial thought was – I know, those meatball sandwiches were grody but I think every other time… but …. but… HM. No worries though.
You know, I can’t eat out in public because 1) I can’t hear a darn thing with all the background noise – so I eat minimally just so my eyes aren’t occupied with looking at my plate and I can focus on my companion’s face to read lips and 2) I get so nervous. My hands get shaky and I start panicking that I don’t have good table manners because oops – I spilled something. I DO! I just – anyway, it’s silly.
Girl – You’re so not alone in these weird inner battles. Mine – it makes me Sara. Yours – it makes you Charlotte.
I know exactly how you feel. Although for me the food and its preparation is no longer the issue (for some weird reason I feel like if the control over its preparation is taken away from me then it’s not a big deal because I’m being “looked after”) it’s entirely about other people’s expectations of my eating habits, when they know I’ve suffered from an eating disorder. What if they think I ate too much? What if they thought I ate too little? Then THAT gets me so stressed that I can’t eat anything.
It’s a vicious cycle of anxiety, because once you’ve had a “moment” like that in front of one friend, you become even more anxious the next time you eat together.
I have no definitive answer, other than to make that situation as unthreatening as possible. If you’re eating out, eat at good quality places so you will have confidence in the ingredients and their capacity to nourish you. If your friends ask you what you would like for dinner or say “how’s lasagne?” make sure you have an input of some sort (I’m a sod for smiling and going “anything’s fine!” and then worrying about it endlessly) because then you are no longer out of control. And generally try and be kind to yourself, and tune out those panic voices with rational self-talk (imagine you’re talking to a good friend who is experiencing the same feelings)
You’re NOT strange for feeling like this, I promise.
TA x
so fascinating. and interesting (do you recall?) you once said to me IF YOURE IN TOWN LET ME KNOW! ILL MAKE YA DINNER! now Im curious if that was stressful for you to say/think as well?
as always your blog, whether you see it or know it when youre writing, helps so many.
you come across as so TOGETHER & the fact you are willing to point out your struggles and NORMALIZE for people is a priceless gife.
xo xo,
M.
This is interesting, Charlotte, as I have the completely opposite problem. Take me out to a restaurant and I have some subconscious idea that I *must* eat every bite, to the point of feeling sick, because I am paying for it. ‘Cause, you know, it’s not like they let you take your leftovers with you. And yes, I must eat every bite even if it isn’t that tasty or even if I worry about its prep. I have no idea where this compulsion came from; my parents never once told us to clean our plates or guilted us into eating at restaurants. I come by this crazy naturally, since childhood.
As for eating at other’s places, I think I often expect too much of their cooking. Since I am a good cook, I think everyone should be, so I have a problem eating someone else’s food without thinking about how I would have done it and why that would be better. Food Snob!
Wow, Charlotte, I am not even sure what to say. This was a lot to open up about, as usual very brave of you and I am sure it will help some of us to read that as Mizfit said, someone as together as yourself does indeed struggle too in some areas.
This can’t be easy. And I so want you to be able to just walk into a restaurant and turn off all the worrying parts so you can just enjoy the food, however not quite as described. That makes me sad, there is a lot of pleasure to be had from eating, not on an emotional level, but just because it tastes delicious. Maybe the surrendering is just too much when we have such a great need for control, we all have areas where we cannot let go and food happens to be yours. What would happen if we did surrender?
I get it. I really do. I don’t think I’m extreme as you about these concerns, but they’re there.
Everything you said is the reason I never (almost never anwyays) go out for lunch with co-workers. My family and friends get it, but co-workers just think I’m a nut!
Katieo- weirdly I have some of those issues too. I won’t eat anything and then feel deprived and angry even though it’s my own darn fault.
sariqd – funny, I don’t remember any meatball sandwiches! And I always thought you had impeccable table manners. Ah, I miss hanging out with you:)
MizFit – no, that’s WHY I invited you over. It’s my default answer, to ask people to my home. That is the least stressful way for me to eat with others. But maybe if (when!) you come out to visit, I’ll have chilled out some.
ha – “unaccounted for shine.” Totally!
I def related to your point about eating with people who know your past. I always feel like I MUST clean my plate when eating with my parents, just so they know I’m “ok.” Then I eat dessert.
That is very interesting, Charlotte. Thank you so much for sharing.
I don’t know what else to say, but I love how open you are about these things. It makes me realize that we all have our issues.
You would not have any problems eating with me buddy!! I’m careful and attentive also. What makes it nicer for me, is having at least one like (healthy eating) minded person at the table as a supportive friend. Also, our town has many restaurants that you can trust, which I know, is not the case in other places.
The biggest problem I have while eating out is, gulp, seeing the unbelievably unhealthy eating of others and knowing (and often seeing) what they are doing (have done) to themselves, and I am powerless to help them!
(Gena, off topic, I just want you to know I read your site, but because I have no google password, etc and cannot use name/URL I can’t leave comments )
I am the same, EXACT way. I hate it about myself. Of course, it was never always like this, but the past few years it began and has been relentless.
I especially hate it when I’m around my family. My mom DOES watch me and my plate like a hawk and makes comments about my portions (never big enough). I usually do stick to smaller portions out of fear of eating too much – and too much highly-caloric stuff – at that (I’ve seen family members cook their specialties – butter, butter, cream and more butter).
I don’t want to be like this. It’s hard. I’d like to just eat what I want to eat, when I want to eat it, in the way I want to eat it, and not have to worry about people scrutinizing what I eat, how much, etc. It’s all wonderful and great when I can do this, but when I have to eat out or at some party, it’s stressful and truth be told, I usually leave hungrier than I should (I do eat, but keep it very controlled.)
Thank you so much for this post, Charlotte, and all of them. I appreciate your honesty and insight so very much!
I’m so sorry that you struggle with this Charlotte. 🙁
I wish I had some words of advice, but I don’t. I do appreciate you sharing your struggles though! I think all of us who want to lead healthy lives can be a little overwhelmed when we go out to eat. I have to admit to completely avoiding restaurants and almost always eating at home for fear of the calorie-laden foods – even at the “healthy” restuarants. My husband is really the only one I go out to eat with…and his thoughts are the same as mine. We see eating out as a treat, but there is always a little remorse afterwards. 🙁
Thank you for sharing this!
I used to be weird about eating in public, but it was more because I’m such a horribly messy eater. If I was on a date, I always tried to pick things that weren’t messy. And I still refuse to go to certain kinds of places for that reason.
I also could never, ever finish everything, even if I really wanted to. I HAD to leave a few bites on my plate.
Now, my worry is just that you never REALLY know what is in it. Like the nachos at Chili’s the other day that didn’t list they had beef in them, and after we’d eaten half of them we found ground beef. ICK! (They did give us $50 in coupons though.)
Also, now, I’m more afraid other people will think I have an eating disorder because if I eat at someone’s house, I’m so worried about what they might have put in it but won’t admit to, or that it wasn’t prepared safely (I hate barbecues because so many people are too careless) that I usually end up picking at chips and fruit only.
I’d still eat with you. I can definetly understand where you are coming from though. When I go to social events that are informal like a BBQ I’ll eat at home first and then provide a veggie plate for “everyone” ie. Me to snack on. Works like a charm in an odd kind of way.
You could have been writing that word-for-word about me. Everything you wrote describes me almost to a T. I think what we both have going for us, however, is that as much as we want to, we still go out to eat. True, maybe not as often as we could, but we go out and we face our fears. Maybe it never will be as easy for us to eat in public without second thoughts and anxiety like “normal” people, but we’re not hermits. We don’t let our fears and anxieties completely dictate what we do. I wish those fears and anxieties would go away but while I try to find out a way to make that happen, the least I can do is not let them completely shut me off from being social.
I’m totally the opposite. Since I eat mostly healthy at home, basically when I go out, I don’t worry too much about the calories or what’s in it, or whatever. I control what I eat at home and figure at restaurants, I’ll take the leeway I’ve given myself by eating so healthy the rest of the time.
It must be so difficult, though, to always be worrying about the food, or about how people view you eating it. I’m glad to hear that it’s better than it was, and I hope that it gets better still.
I might be very unobservant, but I never noticed you not eating in college.
I guess it was always eating at our apartment though.
Sometimes I worry about what people will think, because if I like the food, I can eat A LOT. Sometimes I try to limit myself- especially if I don’t think there is enough food to feed everyone, but other times I just don’t worry about it and eat as much as I want.
If I’m exercising regularly, I get really hungry.
Ah…food.. eating out.. people.. I rather hate it all myself.
I can say that I have felt quite similar to what you are describing. Like Sara, I did think back to all our meals together.. but I knew a bit back then and didn’t think anything of it and still don’t. Were all weird in our own way right? That’s what makes us loveabe! Thankfully somehow, I am skirting around the anorexia that has plagued my life from such a young age and decided that food is food.. I eat, you eat we all eat, if we don’t, we die!
Hun, you are not weird, or strange and most of all not alone in this. And it’s a part of who you are, so there should be no shame in that. =) Thanks for opening up so honestly and letting us all know other people think similar.
I don’t have a problems with restaurants, or eating at a friend’s house. But I do have a horror of potluck dinners. I don’t like mystery food. I don’t like not knowing what’s in there, what kitchen the food was prepared in. But restaurants, as long as the look nice and clean, are ok.
Hi Charlotte,
I’m a long time lurker and admirer (oy, that sounds a bit creepy, but you know what I mean). I felt compelled to comment because, like many of the others who have commented, I felt like you were describing me. Because I eat out a fair bit for work (wining and dining clients and traveling), I have developed a few coping techniques, like memorizing the healthiest lowest calorie fast food options at airports, or sticking to certain safe foods like shrimp cocktail or poached eggs, where I know by virture of the method of preparation there’s not much that can be done to them. But I still feel like a freak because I avoid the bread basket, or order one salad for an app and a different one for an entree and then I don’t get dessert. I’m small and slender and I often feel (although this feeling may have very little relation to reality) that people do notice what I eat and what I don’t. And like Leslie, when I’m with my parents, who think I’m too thin, I always eat more than I would normally AND get dessert 🙂 It feels really good to know I’m not alone.
I wouldn’t care at all what you ate if we dined together, wouldn’t at all be scrutinizing. However… now I’m a little worried to eat in front of you because I’m about as finicky as my dog. Even my husband can’t bear to watch me eat such things as beets or pickled okra. Am I making you queasy, too? I suppose that puffer fish you’ve been writing about is in my future. Hang in there. You are bigger than the food on your plate.
charlotte your posts continue to entertain me, thanks! they are really great.
now down to business – you are certainly free to eat with me in public or in private and now knowing your “issues” i will certainly say something to this effect: “damn! why you eatin’ so much girl?” then when you stop, I will promptly ask, “hey you gonna eat that?” and scarf down the non-ordered past, white roll, and dressed salad – yummy yummy!
mmmm mmm mmm
Just teasing. In seriousness, a lot of people struggle with these same issues that do not revolve around what I would refer to as a ‘proper’ eating d/o, but as you mention a control d/o. all you really need to do is distract yourself so that your worrying does not infiltrate your thinking (easier said than done). trying putting a thumb tack in your shoe and every time you feel funky about eating stab your toe! (also make sure you are up on all your tetanus shots and that the tack is relatively rust free) cheers 😉
beautifully honest Charlotte. really. I have thought all of those thoughts too.
Thanks for your honesty – you’re my hero for your blogging candor! 🙂
I eat at least 50% of my meals out (restaurant or at friend’s houses), so I had to make peace with it early on. It wasn’t easy, but once I realized that since I do dine out often it’s just another meal, I was able to treat it as such and eat as if I was eating at home. If there’s extra oil and butter or sauce or whatever that I didn’t order, I just get around it the best I can and realize that it’s probably not going to kill my efforts.
My biggest worry is that I look like a neanderthall sometimes when I eat (om nom nom nom nom). And I like to play with my food (mashed potato sculptures). And I’m picky and usually special order stuff (we usually call the presses if I order something how it comes).
Oh girl. I eat way less around other people. Especially my family or my inlaws. I am always afraid that if I eat too much they will be sitting there later going “Did you see how much she ate? No wonder she is so huge if she eats like that. I don’t know what our boy sees in her!” and so on. It isn’t that I eat a lot at home or that I eat overly badly, and with anything else in my life I don’t give a fig what others think of me, but food is different.
All of this is to say that I have issues too. We all do.
Jenn
I absolutely HATE when restaurants describe a dish in detail but don’t mention the cheese on top or the butter sauce the “steamed vegetables” come swimming in. And I’m such a people pleaser that I hate to complain and send it back, so I just barely touch it.
i know exactly what you mean. i’m even afraid that people in grocery stores are judging me by what i have in my cart!
for both of us, i hope this gets better, i hope we learn to worry less and enjoy more–because you are absolutely right: we can choose how we live.
wow you sound just like me
Charlotte, this is exactly how I behave. I rarely eat in public because I fret over hypothetical judgement–I believe that if I eat, and actually enjoy myself (which would itself be a cardinal sin), then others will rebuke me. My family never sees me eat, likely because I used to have panic attacks over family meals. My girlfriend with whom I'd like to spend my life is seldom able to dine with me; she becomes overjoyed when able to buy me something to eat.
Having recently moved to college in Saint Paul, I doubt that this propensity will improve. I rarely venture out of my dorm to eat with friends, and if I do eat I either snack in my room (calling it a meal), or eat salad alone.
I fear that if I eat with people who've no idea that I am anorexic, they will assess my intake and deem it odd for such a small woman.
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