“Sancho!” I yelled, smiling so tightly that my cheeks hurt as I threw open my front door.
“Charlotte! You’re even more beautiful in person!” He didn’t miss a beat, despite the fact that I’d just called him by his last name as if we were old college buddies. His name is actually Miguel Sancho, producer for ABC’s entertainews’ show 20/20, and he had been sitting outside my house for the past 20 minutes in a little red sports car the like of which my suburban Minnesotan neighborhood never sees. It was as awkward of an introduction as they come. Rather fitting as he had come, along with a film crew, to interview me about a dark period of my life where I’d become consumed with healthy eating – a phenomenon the media dubbed as orthorexia.
Sweeping into my house in his Bogart trench coat and fedora, he took in our mismatched IKEA furniture, fingerprint-smudged walls and half-finished do-it-yourself remodelling projects with a critical eye. I cringed inwardly. You know how you never notice those little things until you watch someone really watch you? He honed in our book collection – a source of great pride for avid readers such as my husband and I. “Ah, Josephus,” he remarked and I blushed realizing that all these years we have said it wrong, pronouncing it with a Gentile long e in the middle. Turning towards our antique – craig’s list code for broken – piano, he asked politely if I played. I do but I had a feeling it would be chopsticks compared to what he was used to.
Declining his invitation to play a little something, I tried the smile again. But I was nervous in the way that all people who are not accustomed to being on tv must be and besides I’d been up until the wee hours of the morning cleaning, arranging and, yes, worrying. Gym Buddies Allison, DarLee and Candice had gone way above and beyond the call of Gym Friends and had helped me paint, clean and decorate one night until 2 a.m. and yet it still felt unfinished. We’d lived in this house for a year and a half and it still looked like a rented apartment. Decorating is not my strong suit. Neither is being calm. And so I cleaned and worried and worried and cleaned. I don’t think I ate, save for a homemade granola bar from DarLee, for two days. Particularly ironic, considering the subject matter I was supposed to be talking about.
But today was the day. The “film crew” – a sound guy and a camera guy – arrived a minute or two after Miguel (Mr. Sancho?) and despite the cameraman having the most delightful Australian accent, they were as midwestern as Miguel was New York. They sweated in the cool April sunshine. I don’t think Miguel took off his suitcoat the entire time he was here.
The first “scene” to be shot was an athletic one: me running outside in my neighborhood. It also had the highest potential for physical comedy and as they set up the shot I debated the merits of running like Phoebe. I was sorely tempted. But my nerves won out and I played it straight. Well, as straight as one can while running down the sidewalk whilst being followed by a van driving on the wrong side of the street with a camera and a mike boom hanging out the side of it. “The sound is tricky out here,” Miguel yelled at me. “Try not to say anything profound.” Right, not going to be a problem.
ShouldersbackstomachinchinupandforheavenssakeDON’T TRIP. It was the most self-conscious run of my life. But the neighbors were mightily amused. I think we almost caused a few car accidents. Have I mentioned I live on a very quiet street?
We returned to my house to a lawn covered in equipment and an unmarked van. It looked like we were the subject of a crime scene investigation except instead of dusting for fingerprints (of which my house has an abundance in every flavor, peanut butter and jelly being the perrenial favorite), they were dusting me with face powder. So I wouldn’t be all shiny.
As I changed out of my running clothes and into something normal (really, what does one wear to appear normal? I already knew I was going to sound crazy, so maybe I should just play the part and whip out my knee socks and cumberbund?), Miguel played something beautiful and unrecognizable on the cracked piano. I was right about the chopsticks.
After filming a short scene involving me standing on my deck trying to look pensive with a camera examining my pores (I now know that if you have to try to look “pensive” then it’s going to come out two grunts shy of “constipated”) , the crew decided the kitchen to be the ideal location for filming the interview. They “dressed” the room by taping together my curtains, arranging a bowl of fruit and putting up really really bright lights by my garbage can with the poopy diaper in it (sorry about that guys). There were still dirty dishes in the sink from the whole wheat fat-free vegan banana muffins – irony!! – I made for the crew.
Placing a chair in the middle of the room, they turned all the lights on me and then instructed me to answer all the questions to some vague spot off to the right of the camera. That’s right, for the entire interview, I was answering questions to a wall. A very brightly lit pretty green wall, but a wall nonetheless. Occasionally Miguel would wave his hand over where I was supposed to be looking to remind me to stop talking to the actual people in the room. The voices in my head applauded.
Many, many hours of film later in which Miguel displayed an uncanny ability to remember every single detail of every little thing I had told him over the phone and e-mail (note to 20/20: he’s scary good at his job), we had covered pretty much my life story. It was like therapy. But on camera. And no eye contact. There were things I should have said but didn’t such as how if I’m being really honest, the obsession with eating healthy was my way of trying to get some control during that trial against my ex-boyfriend who sexually assaulted me and it turned into one year of trying to heal myself from the outside in. There were things I did say, but shouldn’t have like “You’ll tell me if my bra strap is showing, right?” and talking about my weird menstruation cycles and birth control (thank heavens they cut that!).
The question that stood out the most to me, however, was asked not by the producer but by the unassuming camera man. After listening to me detail the rigidity of my eating habits – at my worst I was a vegan who didn’t eat grains (cue cute squirrel picture!) – he asked, “But what about your kids? If you really believed it was a healthy way to eat, did you make them eat that way too?”
“Oh, no!” I exclaimed, realizing the absurdity of that all at once. If I had really thought my eating was healthy then I was being neglectful by not feeding my kids the same way. And yet somehow, even in the worst of it, I knew that it was crazy because I never did impose the same rules on my children. For which I am grateful. And mystified. And grateful all over again.
Miguel’s questions and the minutae of my eating habits finally exhausted, we paused for a break so they could film the inside of my fridge (thank you Jody for cleaning it!). “How am I doing?” I asked timidly. “Did you get everything you need?”
“You’re fucking fabulous!” Miguel raved. “You have a face made for T.V. They’re going to love you!”
I blushed, both at the obscenity and at the compliment as I don’t hear either very often. “I bet you say that to all the girls.”
“I do,” he grinned unabashedly. “But this time I really mean it!”
My nerves exploded. The camera man kindly reassured me, “You’re doing great. You really are. Don’t worry about anything.”
We finished with some computer shots (to whoever commented that I’m a really fast typist – you want to know what I was typing? “I can’t believe I’m sitting here on TV typing nothing over and over and over.” And thanks – I get a lot of practice;)) and the story about my grandmother’s journals that got cut. As the crew cleaned up, Miguel chatted with my husband and I. I gave him parenting advice that felt ridiculously inappropriate the second it left my mouth. He told us little anecdotes from his job. And then they were gone.
The show was originally slated to air in June but for reasons unknown to me, it got pushed back all the way until September. Which was probably for the best as it gave all my acquaintances six months to ask me “Hey, when is your show on?” every time they saw me. In the interim there was some minor drama about photographs, details, my interview on the Fox morning show, and a trip out to New York to do more interview with John Stossel that got cancelled at the last second and led to my throwing a minor hysterical tantrum.
Just when I had begun to wonder if ABC would really spend all that time and money to film a segment they never intended to use, it aired. And I think it was good. The overall message of orthorexia as a real disorder got a bit obscured by the sensationalism of raw foodism – the one diet I’ve actually never done – and some of its more colorful proponents but the message was still there. That this is a real problem. That it is getting more prevalent in a society ever more focused on food and how we eat it. That even “normal” people like suburban Minnesotan soccer moms can fall into this trap. That healthy eating can be taken to an extreme. But that there is a way out. Eating disorders do not have to ruin your life.
For the most part I’m comfortable with the way they portrayed me. They overdramatized the effects (“she ignored her children”!!) and made it seem present (“what will happen to Charlotte now??!?) when it is mostly in past but I’ve already received a lot of positive feedback from the show. Several people wrote (one even called!) to tell me they recognize the illness in themselves or their loved ones. They wrote, asking me for help or advice, which I’m not sure I’m qualified to give, but I do believe that talking about it – and removing the “healthy” label from it – are the first step. I’m proud to be a part of that.
The one quote from me that I really hoped they would use (and I even practiced it in the mirror before the interview) ended up being the closing quote of the segment: “After all, nobody gets to choose how they die. You only get to decide how you live. And I wasn’t living.” For me, living includes being able to eat cake at my son’s birthday or homemade trifle at my friend’s house. I’m not healed of all my food issues but at least now I can enjoy these small luxuries.
Wow. I always learn so much on this site. Never heard of orthorexia. I am a believer in a little splurging. Life is not complete without dark chocolate.
Got to go back are check all the links.
Ahh Charlotte you DO have a face for TV! And great sound-bites too (I used to make TV documentaries for a living, my GOD your stuff was gold!). You did very well with the whole thing – 99% of people who take part in this kind of thing are a little unsatisfied about the way they’ve been authored – but you shoot so much footage you have to turn it into a story somehow. I agree that the difference between orthorexia and raw foodism was a bit blurred, and I can see why you’d get PO’d at the end of the first segment when they lump you all in together and say “what happens to these people now?” but they needed a way to hint that it was a journey and it was going to turn out differently for all of you, and to tune in to find out how…
And that poor raw foodist guy. He actually sounds like he WANTS to break out of it (unlike the health food guru skeltomonkey man, who was terrifying) and he knows he’s killing himself deep down. I just felt awful for him and wanted to take him home and make him better!
Thanks so much for sharing this Charlotte, I really enjoyed it – and again, fabulous contribution, you came over as a real voice of sanity!
TA x
all I wanna add is thank you SO MUCH FOR SHARING.
I felt horribly when I saw that Johnny had visited your site and that I had commented he ‘obviously had other issues’ —not that it wasnt something Id have said to him were he to ask me but it was unkind and judgmental to post on a public forum.
especially when it was GENEROUS of both of you to invite us all in.
inside your homes, your fridge and your heads.
xo xo,
M.
You did indeed seem the voice of sanity. And I love the behind the scenes peek! That you could come across so “real” in such an artificial filming process is a testament to your groundedness.
Thanks for sharing the whole experience!
NOW I’ve read MizFit’s comment and seen Johnny has been chilling up in here with you guys, I’d just like to make sure my comments about his contribution were taken in the spirit they were intended… as in empathy, not pity (as somebody who has very recently fought back from anorexia myself I couldn’t stand it when people were all “aw” or “ew” about the way I looked or lived either Johnny, it made me want to punch em).
Just wanted to clarify. Thanks chaps!
TA x
I’m having trouble understanding how Johnny has orthorexia n. versus anorexia? It seems likw A. N. to me, just with a minor dillusionary variant. He needs in-patient help. Of course, it’s been six months since the show, but he should be making serious progress by this time. I know I’m not a psychiatrist, but as a surgeon, I don’t like standing around while someone is checking out!
I’m very proud of you! It can’t have been easy to put all your difficulties out there for the world to see. I’m also glad that it has reached people going through the same thing. Hopefully those who recognize your old behaviors in themselves will also take steps to get help and get healthy.
Great post (thanks for the behind the scenes scoop.) And really good segment. It was very interesting, and you did great! Very natural.
I thought that orthorexia was when you exercise too much. (As in burn way more calories than you take in.) Thanks for the links to the video. I didn’t see your post on Friday and would have been sad to not be able to see your interview.
Charlotte-
This is my first time reading your blog and I LOVE it! You’re a great writer with some wonderful insights to share. Wish I’d seen this piece on 20/20. Think they’ll play it again anytime soon? Perhaps I can find it online. Glad you’re doing better.
A fellow Minnesotan,
SMS
TA – thanks for your comments. You helped me feel so much better!!
Dr. J – the difference between anorexia and orthorexia is that one of the criteria of A.N. is a preoccupation with thinness. Orthorexics typically aren’t concerned with being skinny but more about the quality of their food. For me it puts O closer to OCD than AN.
See Mom Sweat – Welcome to the site!! I posted the video clips in the previous post Feel free to watch away!
I talked to someone who used to only eat raw food and then her digestive system when nutso on her and she’s not allowed to eat anything raw. I can’t remember the reason.
Since I’m at work, I can’t really watch the videos, but I loved your description, Charlotte! Congrats for being on tv and helping to educate people.
Thanks Charlotte for the explanation!
Perhaps it makes the attempt at getting the patient to the point of changing slightly different, but getting to that point and bryond is all that’s going to make the difference. I just wrote about that.
When I was watching it, even though they said “what will happen to Charlotte….” I thought it was pretty obvious that you were doing much better because you look healthy, and they had showed the way-too-thin picture. (I think they showed it before that- maybe not).
Love the behind the scenes perspective! Thanks for sharing with us. So true that life isn’t worth living like that…
Interestingly enough I was thinking about that on my walk to work this morning with regards to the reasons behind why I broke up with my boyfriend- won’t get into details on here as it’d be too long etc but the long and short of it is that the effects of orthorexia did play a role in it. Which was a bit startling for me to realize this after the fact.
Anyway- I really appreciate you writing about orthorexia like this.
Like everyone else, I just wanted to say that I thought the story was great, you did a great job, and thank you for doing what you did to help others. Oh, and keep up the great work with the two blogs…they rock!
You did a wonderful job! Sounds like complete craziness behind the scenes, I would have been a bundle of nerves! You handled yourself beautifully. I feel so bad for Johnny, I really hope he can recover. So sad. 🙁
You repainted for the film crew? That is way above and beyond anything I ever did – last time I was filmed in my palce (for the Today Show), I actually wore socks. Socks with little images of sushi rolls on them. (They were filming me, ironically, for Fashion Week and the link to EDS…my feet were out-of-frame.” Nobody told me I was “fucking fabulous” tho, which now bums me out.
I got pissed when they said “she ignored her children” b/c even tho I have no clue/don’t know you on a daily basis, I know that is not true.
You did great! I think despite those couple of weird pieces of commentary from the host, you showed that orthorexia is something that a person can come back from before they do serious damage. You were f$@%ing brilliant, as well as f@#%ing fabulous. And you do have a face for television, miss thing!
Thanks for the inside peek at the magic of television!
I hope Johnny’s OK. I’m worried about him. And I think that raw food cultish guy is a sociopath, or pretty close to it. He showed no real empathy about that woman who passed away from orthorexia. I realize some of that could be deliberate editing, but its still creepy. He gave me a “Heaven’s Gate” vibe.
Great job, Charlotte! I think you made the piece “real” for a lot of people who otherwise might have seen it as too fringe. What I got from this was how close we all are to being OCD on the food thing – especially those of us who write about it and live it every day. Thanks for that.
Wow, great post, Charlotte! Loved the chance to “see” what was on the other side of the camera lens. Can you believe this has happened at all?? I really enjoyed watching you on TV, but I must say that it was a bit surreal for me to see my good friend on primetime news! 😉
Would you ever consider writing a book?
You did great! I don't know of anyone else (that doesnt do it for a living) that can sum up their thoughts so nicely. Adam didn't even recognize your kitchen- it really looks great! I love you and am so proud of ou and Jack was in awe when he saw S&J's mom on T.V.