Woman, to friend: I can’t believe you are going to have to buy her all new clothing!
Friend: Well, I’m not going to obviously. I mean, she will just have to live with it. She tried on those clothes at the mall when we bought them over a month ago and they fit just fine then.
Woman: But she can’t wear any of them now? Really?
Friend: Yep. Too tight.
Woman: Even the t-shirts?
Friend: Especially the t-shirts. The style is so narrow these days, you know.
Woman: You should’ve got her stretch jeans.
Friend: I didn’t know she was going to gain 15 pounds before school started or I would have.
Woman: Well it’s a good thing you have her here at [aerobics class] tonight!
Friend, turning to young girl next to her: That’s right, huh sweetie? We’re going to be here every night until those jeans fit again.
Girl: [stares at floor] mmmhmmmm.
It was like witnessing one of those scenes that formerly fat people always talk about. You know, The Motivation For Losing Weight Incident. Usually it has somebody close to them, a friend or relative, but occasionally a random stranger in a public place saying something completely rude, obnoxious and blatant about their weight. For some – at least those profiled in the fitness mags and books – it changes their life. They vow to not be “that girl” (or guy) anymore and lose the weight and go on to have a career in motivating other people to lose weight. For others, this is how an eating disorder is born followed by a lifetime of never being good enough.
My gut reaction was to cover the poor girl’s ears and scream at her mother. I cringed and squirmed and for a brief second even fought back tears on the girl’s behalf. But the girl herself wasn’t crying. In fact, she didn’t even seem particularly bothered by the conversation that she had surely overheard.
The thing is, the mother hadn’t called names or even made judgments. Just stated the facts. In a calm and polite voice, even. The girl had gained weight and now her clothes didn’t fit. Given the options, I suppose encouraging a chubby preteen to exercise is probably a good idea. Plus the mom, no skinny minny herself, was working out right alongside her daughter so at least she was walking her talk. All during the class the mom made sure to encourage and help her daughter and the girl finished out smiling.
On the way out, I complimented the girl and tell her she did great in class.
I’m conflicted. Would you have said anything to the mom? The girl? Was this just an example of tough love? Or a tough exterior?
At least it wasn’t a repeat of this scary gym conversation.
Sounds like a little tough love to me! I would have probably chosen my words more carefully if I where the mom, but at least she was there doing something about it and it wasn’t just her preaching at the kid. If she is used to her mom being that way then she will probably be just fine.
Jenn
I think you handled it just right. She may well remember that compliment every time anyone comments on her weight!
I personally would not have confronted the mom, because it probably would have made a bad situation worse. Just reading about it made me cringe, I can’t imagine how it felt for you being there!
And at least the mom was encouraging during the class. That’s something, anyway.
How sad- I think that Moms need to be so careful what they say and how they say it because a Mom’s opinion is so much more important to her daughter than a strangers or even kids at school. If she wants to talk about her daughter that way it should be to her in her room with the door closed and if needed with her friend when the daughter is nowhere near. You do have to be careful though how you phrase compliments when she knows you heard her mom because she may think you are only feeling sorry for her and be even more embarrased. I feel bad for the little girl- Noone ever wants to be a project..
NO! NO! NO! This is completely wrong! Wanna see your daughter pack on another 100lbs because of low self-esteem – then sure – do it this way. News flash… kids don’t want to go to a “gym” – they want to have FUN. Honestly I can’t understand how some parents can be so COMPLETELY VOID of common sense. Be a little more creative with how to incorporate exercise into your kids life than simply humiliating them by dragging them along to the gym with you and your friends.
Oh… but then… maybe having to take them to and from tennis or baseball or soccer might interfere with your social life… mmm.. sorry forgot about how important THAT IS.
I’m sorry to come across so snarky (no I’m not) but this just made me so mad – even more so that the other commenters seem to agree with this mother’s approach. You’ve obviously never been “that kid”.
Honestly, if I was the one at the gym I think I would have thrown my water bottle at this woman’s head – this made me so angry. Put your kid in tennis lessons, or baseball or basketball – or take them hiking! Let them do something fun. 15 pounds IS NOTHING! She’ll lose it in no time playing a non-competitive participation sport she enjoys.
And the FIRST question I’d have for the mother is WHAT ARE YOU FEEDING YOUR CHILD? A diet full of processed and frozen foods and take out no doubt.
If your kid is fat… BLAME YOURSELF MOM! It’s your job to teach them how properly in the first place.
Grrrr…
Seems mean to me. Purely because now Mother’s made clear the WEIGHT GAIN = SHAME formula, and showed her daughter that the way to rememdy it is by going to work out.
Which is true in part, but how is a kid EVER going to work out for positive reasons if she always looks at it as penance for overeating (or maybe GROWING here)?
You did a very kind thing by handling the situation the way you did Charlotte. Hopefully the kid will hang onto that instead.
TA x (who had BAD puppyfat at the age of 12 and then shot up a foot overnight and was skinny as a pole – so it CAN happen)
Oh my goodness that poor wee girl. WHY don’t parents realise that while her face may betray nothing, she is absorbing every word. I think you handled it nicely, btw 🙂
the fact that the girl seemed not to notice or care is a HORRIBLE RED FLAG TO ME (she types donning her rarely used counseling degree).
infants adopted from a particular foreign country and known for not crying. these children, when they come to the usa around age 18 months, are renown for NOT being whiners/criers.
why? theyve learned in the orphanages that crying gets them nothing. no love. no attention.
that was the FIRST THING I THOUGHT with your story.
the girl has heard it all time and time again that she has no reaction. it’s the backdrop to her life.
you did such a great thing complimenting her.
Id have wanted to shake the mama but hope Id have merely cheered on her daughter as well.
Miz.
I guess I’ll pipe up in the minority here. At first I cringed and thought “poor girl” like everyone else. But the line you said at the end about it not being said in a judging way and just in a matter of fact way made me reconsider.
1. Money is tight these days and I think I would rather spend my money participating in an active life with my daughter than buying her new clothes only a month after buying the last ones (especially based on the fact that you said mom was encouraging and girl left smiling.
2. Perhaps the girl had asked mom for help. We have no idea what happened during the discussion at home
3. To address a previous comment, I carried around an extra 15 pounds during my teen years, not because of what my mom fed me but because of the burgers, pizza, ice cream, chocolate bars and soda that I at in addition to the healthy food my mom fed me. Most frequently consumed outside of the house and without my mom even being aware.
4. I was an aerobics girl as a teen. I was the only teen in a class filled with middle aged women and I had a blast. I have nothing but fond memories of those evenings, met great people and mentors. Not all kids like team sports, they just made me feel unathletic and out of shape. Aerobics made me feel good about myself.
5. Not buying clothes a size higher up is a popular and much touted tool for adults trying to maintain a weight. Why shouldn’t it be used for teens/young adults as well (assuming they have finished growth spurts).
Just a few thoughts from the other side.
Leigh Anne
It’s definitely not a happy story, but I believe you did the right thing. To step in and say something to the Mom (unless you know her personally and well) is a big overstepping of boundaries.
However, I don’t agree with the mother! While I think it’s great that she’s encouraging her daughter to be active and leading by example, there are far better ways to do so. Several people mentioned enrolling the girl in a group or even solo sport, like tennis or soccer. Not only would she be getting exercise, she might actually make some good friends!
The part that bothers me the most is the way the mother was discussing the issue in front of the girl. Not talking to the girl, but about her, right in front of her. If that’s not a shame tactic, I don’t know what is.
I have mixed feelings on this one. It doesn't sound like such a horrible plan to me, doing a mother-daughter fitness activity. I'd have preferred that it wasn't attached to having to fit into those pants again.
But as someone who grew up in her chubby teen years being called "fatass" and "lardbutt" by one of her parents (Thanks, Dad. Issues? What issues?), I think that a plain statement of the facts and a good plan are maybe not all bad. At least the mom is trying to help, instead of throwing guilt, judgment, and offering no solutions.
And along with Leigh Ann, I too was a outside the home binge eater. My mom made pretty healthy stuff, but I would eat donuts, candy, soda, and Taco Bell in addition. And team sports were not going to happen with this artsy outsider kid. Try to imagine Tim Burton fitting in on the baseball team. Nice image, huh?
I think the mom's approach needs some work, but her intentions were probably good. I think your complimenting & encouraging the girl is a good start, and as long as she was having fun in class, I think Mom & daughter are on a good path with their activity.
I dunno, I kinda wish my mom was tougher on me. She always just said it was baby fat and I’d grow out of it or something. They did take me to dance class, but that did no good. I think the problem was more the containers of ice cream and the cinnabons and the oreos I ate every night.
i started to get squeemish as i started the post, but then read your comments, and you’re right: she didnt make fun, or blame her, or mention food/laziness/anything the girl did wrong, so I guess the comments were bad: just conversation.
I think im hypersensitive because if my mother ever said anything like that when i was younger i would have spend a few hours in the front of the mirror and then a few more at the gym.
I also hate when people talk about me like im not there, so that may also be why I was leaning towards the mom being a b****
atleast they are doing something about it together.
http://www.groundedfitness.com
Mixed feelings also.
On the one hand, encouraging the daughter to be active does not seem like a bad thing. If the daughter was willing to be there, that’s a positive.
But I think that perhaps Mom did not need to be so vocal about the reason that she and her daughter were there. Was it really necessary to announce that the girl had gained too much weight to fit into her clothes and she was going to be there exercising every night until they fit?
But no, I wouldn’t have said anything.
One other thought though – gaining 15 lb in a month seems like a lot? If I were the Mom, I think I’d want to make sure there were no health issues or anything like that.
I agree with Javachick — a 15 pound gain in that short a period of time seems odd.(Though the talking-about-her-in-front-of-her crap raised my hackles.)
I liked your approach of giving the child something positive.
I hear what all of you are saying about the mother stating facts. But sometimes that just not helpful. My mother often “states facts” and it really depends on the tone how it comes across. And even if it’s just a statement about gaining weight, that’s not necessarily helpful. It focuses on the negative. And that might help some people, who knows. But for me, it was even a look when I’d get more dessert at the buffet than she thought I’d get, and I’d feel down on myself, like I was fat (I wasn’t, I was a little overweight, and like a previous poster, it was because I ate too much junk food after school, not at meals).
Her “statement of fact” actually reinforced my low estimation of myself. And seriously, she did this in a crowded locker room to someone else not in the family? I was seriously appalled. It’s one thing to talk to her daughter, to tell her she’s concerned, and to lay out a plan for activity and healthy eating. It’s a whole other thing to call out her weight in front of someone else.
And the fact that the girl didn’t react or seem offended or upset is a red flag to me too. I wouldn’t have shown any response either – I would have buried it down, basically convinced myself that that’s the way I was, that I was too heavy and feel bad about myself. And yes, it’s important to be active (my mother did try to go running with me and do aerobics, but I didn’t like it), so it’s great they’re doing that together. But I just feel like it should be done on a more positive level.
So I think your response was right on, Charlotte. It would have been overstepping your bounds to talk to the mother, but encouraging the daughter by telling her how well she did in class is an awesome way to go.
Sometimes it just takes people their own time, and their own evolution to come to healthy behavior. That doesn’t mean we can’t encourage them to it, but embarrassing them in public isn’t necessarily the best way to go about it.
That’s despicable of the mother to say that in front of her child, even if wasn’t in a condescending tone. But would I have said something to her? Very unlikely, unless I could get her somewhere alone where it would seem non-confrontational.
We have a serious problem here with our Obesogenic society. Every family is going to have to fight their own battle in a world that does not help them. Fighting over the symptoms of this is not where the answers lie. The root causes either will be addressed or they will not be. I see this played out every day, and it is painful for me to watch.
I can only speak from personal experience and opinion, but I think the mom did the right thing for the wrong reason. She wanted her daughter to lose weight because she was too cheap to buy her new clothes and didn’t want a fat daughter. What if the daughter went through a growth spurt instead and the clothes were too short? How would the mom have reacted then?
If she did what she did out of sincere concern for the daughter’s health and well being and she was very clear about her intention, I think it would have been fine. It was her reasoning, not her action that bothered me. I have seen parents approach their children out of sincere concern, got their children on board with the commitment and had a very positive weight loss experience.
I grew up as the fat kid scapegoat in my family, my sister was the trophy child. I was told from the time I was six that I was too big and my mom refused to put my pictures on the wall, buy me cute clothes (or even wash them regularly) or dress me like my sister. When I asked why, she said she didn’t want to waste money on me until I lost weight. Once I could tell my mom was really upset – angry and tearing up – and I asked why. She said all she ever wanted was a cute little girl that she could dress up and be proud of and everyone would adore and instead she got stuck with me.
My dad frequently felt the impulse to point out fat people and they were always rated as “even bigger than S******” or “almost as big as S******.” The most effective tactic to getting me to lose weight (in his warped mind) was to say unless I lost weight no one would like me (as a child,) date me (as a teen) or marry me (as an adult.)
What was my sister told all her life? “You are just right. Not too fat or too skinny. Just right.”
Now here’s the important point I was getting to. Guess who struggles with a variety of eating disorders? My sister. Guess who has scars on her wrists from attempting suicide? My sister. Guess who has been through a series of bad relationships and broken engagements? Yup – my sister.
Now guess who loves to eat right, exercise, has a wonderful husband, a loving family and wakes up every morning wondering how she ended up so very, very blessed? Me. Sure I still struggle with my body image at times, but no more than 90% of the US population does. I am learning to let go of the unrealistic expectations of our society and love my body the way God (and birthing 4 babies) made it.
My sister and I are on good terms and we have talked extensively about our upbringing. We came to agree that it was the message of “we love you as long as you …” that my sister struggled with the most. My parents made it clear from the beginning that I wasn’t the favorite and they would do just as well without me, so I found others to love me. (Thankfully it was my teachers and church leaders I chose to get my psudo-parenting from.)
It’s that conditional love thing that warps kids, I think. You have to be good at something, look a certain way, whatever. I am not saying not to encourage kids to excel and send the message they can live their whole lives in your basement on the XBox 360. It means you love them when they fail, when they succeed, whatever.
There is a difference between “I want you to lose weight because I am too cheap to buy you new clothes and I don’t want you to end up like me” and “I want you to lose weight because I don’t want you to be limited in the physical activites you can do and I want you to be around to see your grandchildren and great-grandchildren.”
We also have to be careful of hypocracy, because children (especially teens) can see it a mile away. If we say “I am just concerned about your health” but in our mind we say “because it’s embarrasing to have an overweight child,” the kid will know. Children can read their parents’ minds when it comes to stuff like this. We have to truly want what’s best for our children to get their cooperation.
I don’t want to be redundant, but I feel like so many here – very mixed feelings. I think you probably gave that girl a tug in the right direction with the positivity.
I do wonder though, what in the world does the mother have in the pantry/refrigerator that would make her daughter put on 15 pounds in a (seemingly) short amount of time. I hope there wasn’t something else going on, like a medical condition.
My heart aches for that girl, because like Dr. J said, this is a world with no help in the healthy-eating direction.
Yep, definitely have mixed feelings here, and see a lot of my parents in that mom – it was always “you should watch what you eat so you don’t end up like me” and “you’d be such a better gymnast if you lost a few lbs” and my dad chiding me in front of my family about how I looked in a dress at a wedding. I know they don’t MEAN badly, and for a while when I was super obese they were genuinely concerned for my health, but it still didn’t help the situation at all. Until I was ready to change, the weekly “have you lost weight yet” did nothing but piss me off and make me want to stuff a twinkie in my mouth and chase it with a beer.
I do appreciate the sentiment (bringing her daughter to work out with her for some bonding time) but for heaven’s sake, keep the details to yourself, mom! Instead of talking about things I’m sure the girl would much rather have kept private, she’s airing her dirty laundry to the world. I know exactly why that girl was just staring off into space and didn’t bat an eye at her mom – she was just so used to it and probably off in another world trying desperately to ignore her mom embarrassing her.
You’ll have to forgive me, my parents are staying with us starting next week, and I’m just wondering what my mother will be incessantly nagging me about this visit. 🙂
To previous posters who construed the mother’s comments as some kind of “tough love”: it is NOT loving to talk about your child’s body in a critical mannner, to a stranger, in a public area, as if the child is not even present. It is NOT loving to frame the problem as new clothes not fitting (rather than being about health or sense of pride in oneself). Finally, public shaming ultimately causes more harm than good – that girl may lose the weight but I bet my next paycheck that she’ll gain a whole lot of self-loathing.
Having been an overweight child I want to point out a few things.
To some of the comments: sports are not the answer for everyone (and I say this as the mom of three kids who are very active in sports and have my support and encouragement in all their athletic activities). I hated team sports, I sucked at them and only earned the contempt of the other players. It was not fun. Between the ages of 10 and 20 I would have rather stuck a red hot needle in my eye than do sports and when I was forced to by my well meaning mother and school PE classes, I hated every moment.
We all take different paths to fitness, so don’t assume that sports are the correct path for every child. Please do not assume that sports will magically make everyone happier, healthier and tons of friends. Sometimes life doesn’t work like a PSA. I definately agree with Leigh Anne on this point.
And, if you think about it, a class at the Y is way more functional and easier to incorporate into an adult’s lifestyle than team sports. If this girl learns at a young age that there are many outlets for maintaining fitness outside sports she may be way ahead of the game. I know many people who were in competitive sports as kids and never do any physical activity now.
Now, I’m afraid what I’m about to say is not going to go over very well and I don’t mean this as an attack, but I hope that when you, Charlotte, complimented this girl it was a sincere compliment. I’ve only read this blog for a month and I’m very impressed with your sense of humor and your thoughtfulness so I’m probably way off base, but if you complimented her in a way that wasn’t honest she knows it.
I mean that if the girl wasn’t embarassed and then someone came up and gave a compliment that wasn’t earned but given in pity, than that kind of pitiful praise can make her aware that she should be embarassed of her weight.
When I was the fat kid in a skinny family there was one more thing I didn’t want on top of everything else and it was pity. It could be as shameful to me as cruel remarks. Pity can be as damaging as cruelty, sometimes.
Of course, I haven’t a clue what you said or how you said it and, again, I’m probably waaaaaay off the mark, but that last bit about going out of your way to compliment the girl just brought back bad memories of people who thought they were doing a kindness but weren’t.
I hope I explained this clearly and I fear I haven’t. And, again, I’m sure that your compliment was a good and constructive one, given your wonderful writing. It just brought up some unpleasant memories for a former fat kid.
What’s unfortunate is that the mom made what was a personal situation for her daughter very public. Showing more sensitivity–not publicizing her daughter’s weight gain–would be the right call (in addition to joining her in class). Mom is forgetting her daughter is a real person in there.
From the beginning this story made me uncomfortable, but the final straw for me was, “We’re going to be here every night until those pants fit.” That seems like a terrible attitude to foster in a kid (or anyone): “Every night” borders on over-exercise, depending on the level of activity the girl’s body is used to and how much rest she needs. “Until the pants fit” is a completely external, cosmetic goal, or at least framed that way. It seems like a very all-or-nothing approach to a problem framed as cosmetic (and maybe financial) rather than a sustainable change in habits to improve a long-term outcome. It also sounds like both the exercise and the ill-fitting clothes are being thought of punitively, but maybe that’s me reading a tone into the conversation that wasn’t actually there.
I probably wouldn’t have said anything if I’d been the one to overhear that conversation, but it’s not one I would condone her or myself or anyone else having with/about their child.
I have to pipe up again – I was the OP who made the comment suggesting signing up the kid for a sport rather than gym. My point wasn’t that team sports is the answer – lord knows I hated them too and was much of a loner as a kid. All I was trying to say is that parents need to be more creative about finding activities that your kid will ENJOY rather than sticking them into what is more about convenience for you than what is best for your kid. And it doesn’t have to cost money – bike riding, hiking, or just walking around the block – do what they enjoy and be involved.
We don’t know all the facts here, but the situation that was presented here looks a lot like a pre-planned SOCIAL ENGAGEMENT to me between the mother and HER FRIEND. It just happens to be at the gym. The daughter was dragged along and then expected to ‘fit into the program’.
If her daughter had ASKED to go the the gym then fine – no problem. Gut instinct tells me this was not the case.
I speak from experience. I was that kid. I got dragged along to the gym by my older sister who decided it was her mission to get those 20lb off me. I went along, I did the work, I was polite, and I got the ‘encouraging words’ from the trainer and other people. I HATED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. Why? Because I had been singled out. THE LAST THING IN THE WORLD I WANTED was to be singled out. And thanks to all those people in my life with their ‘encouraging words’ my perception of how fat I was then is really how I am now (I’ve added another 80lbs since those first 20). I only realized this recently when I saw an old picture of myself on Facebook. it shocked me because I WAS NOT FAT!!!. Honestly, if I could go back in time I would kick the butt of every person in my life for destroying my self esteem because I never really got it back.
As for parents and what they feed their kids. I stand by my original statement. Most parents today feed their kids absolute garbage! Processed, over salted, over fatted, over caloried GARBAGE with arguable nutritional value. Skinny or fat -doesn’t matter. I see it every time I’m in the grocery isle – and I just want to grab the parent by the ears and scream at them for being so lazy and ignorant.
I’m fairly certain as well that the mother here didn’t stop to consider WHY there was such a sudden weight gain – she just assumed the kid was over-eating. Speaking for myself… in those days no one went looking for the root cause… today it might be referred to as pre-teen depression.
In conclusion, if your kid WANTS to go to them gym – buy them a membership. If they want you to go with them, the LEAVE YOUR FRIENDS AT HOME!! And if your kid doesn’t want to go to the gym – make the effort to find something they want to do and hopefully it’s something you can do together.
Wow, what an fascinating discussion this is!
The part that makes me cringe is the negative tone combined with the threat that if she doesn’t lose weight, the girl is going to have to wear clothes that are too small for her to school. How would that work exactly? Pants that won’t zip up; shirts that won’t button closed?
The situation is unfortunate, but seems like mom is equally culpable for buying clothes too early and too snug. They should work together in a more positive way to adopt healthy eating and exercise habits–the whole thing just seems a recipe for shame and guilt and rebellion and trouble down the road.
I WAS that chubby girl growing up listening to what people thought were "just conversations" about me & my weight. And although I always acted as if I wasn't phased or could've cared less, I did. I had a mental dialogue going on that went like this "i'm fat, i'm ugly, i wish i were skinny, my mom thinks i'm fat, i must lose weight no matter what!" This girl has probably been hearing this over and over that by now, she is numb. Not only that, but it's embaressing to hear someone talk about you like that! For me, ignoring it was the only was I could deal!
I think you handled it well, and a compliment was exactly what she needed to hear.
Like many fellow bloggers, my first reaction was horror: the long-reaching consequences of shame. But as the author pointed out, the statements were of fact and not judgement, and most importantly, she is prepared to team up with her daughter to get control of the sudden burst of weight gain.
I went through some weight issues as a teen (and I am sadly revisiting those issues again in my 30’s), and can’t help but think “You go, girl!” to that mom. My own mom is a loving mom, like many others, who thought her little girl was just going through some chunking up between growth spurts. She always thought it would work itself out… Don’t get me wrong; I don’t blame my mother for the erradication of my waistline. It’s just something she can’t really relate to, with her life-long Lana Turner pin-up body.
I guess I can’t help but wonder if being dragged to an exercise class when I was 13 would have made a difference. Would I be more quick to take action when the first set of clothes are too tight? Or would I let the many wardrobe changes cycle past, as I have, before resolving to do something about it?
I think you did all you could do. This is a bit of a difficult one but it sounds like mom is totally out of line with the way she is dealing with this and I agree that what you might have witnessed could be the makings of an eating disorder but it is so hard to tell. I remember distinctly being a teen in my parent’s kitchen and my dad saying to my mom “well we’ll never need to worry about her getting an eating disorder… she loves her food too much” a year later I weighed 86 pounds, achieved through a combination of starving and puking. I’m sure they had no idea what they were doing and also I’m sure it wasn’t that one thing. I guess parents just usually do the best they can but unless you are a friend to this woman I do think there is little chance that she would have taken your advice constructively.
I am the mother of 4 beautiful girls, ages 12, 11, 7 and 5. My oldest is pencil thin, exercises occasionally (tennis lessons once a week, bike rides after school, no organized sports, though…not her thing) and eats quite healthy but still wants that “something sweet” after dinner every night. (she is an ice cream, chocolate and Culver’s custard junkie) My next in line daughter would be considered “chubby”. We’ve bought the added 1/2 sizes for her at different times over the past couple of years, but especially between ages 8 and 10…she probably gained 15 or so pounds in what seemed to be a short amount of time. Now this daughter is a dancer…she dances 3 days a week for a total of 7 hours. She probably eats more than my oldest, but we talk about taking seconds on things like fruits and vegetables if someone is still hungry, (and this goes for all of the kids and mom and dad too, not just the daughter that is a bit “overweight”) rather than taking more of the protein or carb part of the meal. I’m no doctor, but I do think that there is a developmental stage for some of us (yep, that chubby 4-6 grader was me as well) that may not have much to do with activity level or eating habits.
My little ones are heading down similar paths…one is pencil thin, the other is solid muscle, and the 5 year old weighs in about 8 lbs heavier than her big sister. Who is more active? Yea, the younger one… Who eats better? Yea, the younger one…
I remember going to my mom when I was about 10 and asking her what the lines on my hips and thighs were…she looked surprised and said “those are stretch marks! Have you gained weight lately?” Now this is from a woman who didn’t have stretch marks until after her 3rd child…I have since learned that these lovelies are more related to genetics and skin elasticity, which accounts for my racing stripes from puberty and motherhood…thanks a lot Dad! Not what a 10 year old needs to hear from her mother…I just needed to know that I was ok and accepted as I was.
Eating disorders are a VERY big concern for me as a mother of daughters…I thought of myself as “fat” in high school although I was 5’10” and weighed 125. I didn’t, however, do anything radical with my eating habits except for skipping breakfast, and that was mostly because I didn’t want to get up early enough to eat (up, dressed, MAYBE make-up or hair done, but not usually, and out the door… 5 minutes). I just chose to wear clothes that weren’t too form fitting and I didn’t tuck my shirts I because I thought that made me look especially fat (no boobs, child-bearing hips…thanks Mom) Because of musical theater rehearsals I danced a lot through the school year, and I played softball in the summer, but that was it… chunky through 6th grade, and then at puberty I shot up, slimmed down, and had college guys (CUTE college guys, by the way) asking me out when I was 13. (until they found out I was 13 and not 18ish like they thought, different set of problems at that point ;))
I did find out later on in life that my younger sister, who was always thin (but we are more “athletic”-ly built…bigger bone structure, etc … my maternal grandmother is 6′ and her parents were both over that…I know, amazonian for the time) used to eat only fruits and vegetables throughout the day and then run on our treadmill for an hour most of the time through high school. I WAS SHOCKED! She told me that she thought I was so thin, and that she wasn’t. WHAT!?! WHAT!?!
So now how am I handling things with my own girls? I have decided to focus on activity level (not for weight loss but for overall health!!!!!!!) and eating habits (same parenthetical rant here as well) rather that on the “size” of any of my girls. We are not all built the same…and unless we can afford a complete overhaul with suction, implant and bone removal in some cases, we never will be. We should do everything we can to help our children, especially our daughters, and that goes for everyone else’s daughters as well, fee that they are so much more than just the shell they are housed in. We need to help them focus on making good choices that will carry them throughout their lives, not on being “thin”. I firmly believe that preadolescent girls ESPECIALLY need to be given some slack…they have enough to worry about.
I was probably 15 pounds or so overweight in Middle School. Looking back, I can see that I was depressed (I think I was out “sick” more than I was actually in school). Once I got into high school and grew two inches, the weight all came off when I started feeling better about things. Never once in those years, when I was overweight and when I was thin, did I ever think about my weight, however. My mother never even commented on it, which helped me not get a complex.
With such a sudden weight gain, depression or puberty could truly be the problem, and not just a teenager sneaking donuts. I hope the mother took that into consideration.
As to whether you did the right thing, I think it’s better to take a step back before telling a parent how to parent. Unless you know exactly what’s going on in that family, it’s not right to chastise. It might have been better to have got into a conversation with the mother, casually, first.