I was recently accosted in Target. Really it was my own fault. Gym Buddy Allison and I were in the Sports Nutrition aisle looking for gels to take on our long runs. (And, let’s be honest, to look at those sassy running skirts they had on sale. Allison got one and girlfriend looks fierce!) We were confused and overwhelmed with choice, a state I consistently find myself in at Target, when a very svelte and obviously very fit woman strolled by. We could tell this, you see, as she was clad head to toe in Under Armor so tight it might as well have been body paint. Patriotic body paint, even, as it was red, white and blue!
College party flashback finished, I muttered to Allison, “We should ask her. She looks like she knows the business end of an energy shot.”
Under Armor Woman overheard me. She immediately snapped her cell phone shut and turned to face us. My first thought was “holy Jan-Tana tan, Batman!” closely followed by “so that’s what lip collagen looks like up close.” Shut up, you would have thought it too.
Grinning, Under Armor Woman replied, “I would love LOVE love to help you girls! I know everything in this aisle like the back of my hand!” She looked us up and down, taking in the hot, sweaty messes we still were despite finishing our long run a good hour earlier. “I did my run this morning and have already showered, so I have time to help you before I head up to the lake to do 50 miles on my bike.”
“Um, okay, what do you think…” I got no further than that before UA Woman snapped her gum derisively and flicked the box of gel packs in my hand. “You don’t need those sweetie. Let me tell you something. You want to lose fat and get lean, right?”
Allison and I simultaneously nodded and shook our heads. “Well yeah, I mean no, we just want to not bonk 15 miles into our 20-miler but…”
Proving that despite have razor-sharp hearing she really wasn’t so good with the listening, UA Woman interrupted again, “What you want is to get real lean and build muscle. See, I’m a Fitness Competitor.” A light bulb exploded in my brain and I was transported back to my days in Seattle where my very first trainer was a “fitness competitor.” If you are not acquainted with the strange world of female body building a fitness competitor is a woman who competes based more on her muscle tone and definition rather than just size. It’s a hybrid between traditional body building contests and Miss America. I have learned from previous experience that I, personally, do not want to be a fitness competitor (not to be confused with being a fitness model, yet again another separate category for women in swimsuits).
“Oh, I don’t know,” I started but should have known better.
“Serious athletes like you two need serious supplements. I hope you both drank a quality protein shake after your workout today.” I shook my head. I detest protein powder. She glared at me and I felt The Protein Lecture coming on. Sure enough she pulled out a piece of paper and a pen and started writing down the name and flavors of some very expensive high-end powders (every time I type that Robert Downey Jr. gets his wings). I zoned out as I have heard The Protein Lecture so many times it doesn’t bear repeating.
Then she got serious. Leaning in conspiratorily she whispered, “I probably shouldn’t tell you this but I take Atro-phex. It really works. In fact, it leaned me out and I lost 12 pounds.” On her tiny frame 12 pounds would be a lot. I tried to imagine her 12 pounds heavier and decided that it would probably be an improvement. “I use it with Max Lean.” She paused to write both products down on the paper. I read over her shoulder. Apparently Max Lean has several formulations, all of which she uses. “You’re supposed to take two Atro-phex twice a day,” she instructed, “plus the Max Lean a.m. and p.m.”
“Where do you get them?” Allison asked, looking around the shelves at the very tame by comparison boxes of SlimQuick.
“Oh, well, you can’t really buy them in stores,” she evaded. “I get mine off the Internet” (Yay! Internet drugs!!) “But you should talk to Butch over at The Muscle Store. He can hook you up.” (Double yay! My first dealer!!)
My skepticism must’ve showed as UA woman handed the paper to Allison. “Good luck with your little race, girls!” she called over her shoulder.
“What do you want me to do with this?” Allison asked, staring at the paper covered in loopy hand writing.
“Chuck it,” I growled.
Research Time
I’ve seen Atro-phex advertised in every fitness mag that I read and I’ve always put it on par with Hydroxycut, Cortislim and all the other two-page before-and-after glossies but this time I looked it up. The reviews were mixed as to whether or not it provided actual results but one thing everyone agreed on: it has really weird side effects. Even UA Woman had mentioned having an adverse reaction to it until she “acclimated” to it. Number one side effect is “weird, extremely violent dreams.” Nice. Number two is diarrhea and other bathroom-trip requiring episodes. That explains the weight loss! Number three was characterized by “jitteriness, crazy thinking and general ADD.” Well, that’s already me on a good day! Suh-weet.
Max Lean was even better. And by better you know I mean worse. You can’t even buy the stuff in stores because – are you ready? – it’s made up of ephedrine, caffeine, and asprin. It’s an old skool “stacker” for those of you that are old enough to remember the days before ephedra (ma huang) was banned by the FDA for, um, killing people. It also includes bitter orange, another herb on the may-possibly-kill-you list. No wonder I need Butch to hook me up. It’s illegal.
But the best part was the money. Atro-phex runs $67 a box. Max Lean is $60 a bottle and you need both the a.m. and p.m. formulations. When taken as prescribed, it would cost you $48/week to take these supplements. That’s $216 a month. All for 12 pounds?
If it worked (and that’s not an assumption I’m willing to make despite UA Woman’s thinness & muscularity) and didn’t kill you (again, not an assumption I’d bet on) would it be worth $216 a month to you to get thin? Can you put a price on weight loss?
I love target too. Did you buy the running skirts? Are you and Alison training for a marathon? I did a squat set that I totally love- you’ve probably done them before but if you haven’t you should: You put your heels on 2 like 10 lb weights just to lift them up, bend over and put your chest against your quads. Then bend down so you look like you’re either a kid diving in a pool or squatting in the woods, then straighten your legs keeping your chest against your quads. Do like 50 and feel the burn 🙂
I think I would have been very, very polite and nodded every time Scary Woman said anything. Then ducked out a side exit as soon as she got distracted by a bright, shiny skirt. People like that worry me 🙁
I did! OK it wasn’t quite $48 a week, but I spent far more than I could reasonably afford on pills that were basically amphetamines. I didn’t sleep properly for months, I was hell to be around (even more than usual!) I had heart palpitations and panic attacks.
I know how much I want to be skinny but I would never ever ever EVER do that again. It’s not a sustainanble way to live psychologically never mind financialy, and minute you stop popping them all the weight goes back on Plus More For Luck. And with a heart as weak as mine is, and the amount of exercise I was doing at the time, anything could have happened.
*holds the sign of the cross at the pill jar and backs away slowly*
TA x
no I wouldnt pay that.
no I wouldnt listen to a figure competitor (wink)
and YES I wonder if M.B. is still doing what it was rumored she was doing back in the DAY.
love,
Miz. who actually kinda likes the look of the bodybuilder IF she could get there sans male hormone.
Sounds like a very interesting trip to Target!
Ummm, between my gym membership and buying healthy food, I am already investing all I need in to being “thin.” I’m not spending any more! And the side effects. No thanks. If I need to lose more weight, I’ll just increase my cardio. No weird side effects there.
Don’t you just hate being accosted by weirdos at Target?
Ha Ha !! I’ve loved that Target commercial since I saw it also! Of course, it wasn’t the same with my roommate in college, although cutting his back hair so his shirt would fit did make us a lot closer Yikes!! 🙂
But I thought everyone loved a good case of diarrhea! And potential death! It’s living on the edge, right? Anything in the name of weight loss!
Go with the Clif shots or bloks. I hear nice stuff about Gu. Avoid the chocolate flavor. Take with 4 ounces of water. If you’re really cheap, just buy and eat gummy bears or jelly beans (jelly beans – now you have an excuse to eat them!), works the same as the gels and sports beans, but way cheaper!
OMFG. I don’t think i could have gotten out of that aisle without laughing hysterically or throwing a punch.
As far as refueling, I use Hammer Gels. I mail order mine, but check cycling or running stores. I like Clif Shots, too. The Clif Blocks are hard to juggle/chew/etc for me, but a lot of folks swear by them. GU gives me stomach cramps.
I wish I was there for “The Protein Lecture.”
And what a kick in the teeth: “Good luck with your little race, girls!” Ouch.
Funny, but ouch.
i used to work with a woman that was a fitness competitor (not body builder.) when she was in normal clothes she just looked like she was in good shape but when i saw competition pictures- whooo boy, DO NOT WANT. she was nuts (very sweet, but her routine was crazy) all her food was perfectly portioned to be eaten every hour on the hour, and she did 3 hours of cardio a day to lose her last 10 pounds, half of which must have been heart or lung cause she didnt have a spare ounce.
http://www.groundedfitness.com
Definitely not worth it!
I love love Target and since you mentioned those skirts, I’m going over there tomorrow!
Well, if it’s secretly “very violent dreams” you are after, we have this doll in my house that stares at me from the corner of the room. That’d do the trick. For free.
Insanity! Spending that much money to be FIT is one thing, but taking unhealthy/dangerous supplements is entirely different…
I think you handled her very well. Pretty sad that we have strangers going up to random people and trying to get them to take these drugs that could seriously screw with your body. Being fit AND healthy is one thing, LOOKING fit and healthy is quite another.
I’m with Robin – what with all the money I spend on healthy food, I definitely don’t need to be spending any more. Plus, I try to minimize the number of chemicals I put in my body (protein powder notwithstanding), so I definitely wouldn’t go this route. People do get so convinced about their particular kool-aid though, don’t they?
no, no i would not.
that being said, though i haven’t actually tried any of those gels/whatnots, i’ve heard good things about the following:
– gu
– clif shots
– clif blocks
– luna moons (lots about these – saw several people at my tri with these on their bike handles)
No thank you. I am trying to eliminate unhealthy habits, not become addicted to something that is more likely to kill me than obesity.
Jenn
I REALLY wish those fitness mags would STOP advertising this crap. They claim to be all about health, and the benefits of eating well and working out hard, but then every page has ads for dangerous supplements and fat burners.
These products are scary! I don’t need to buy them to have nightmares!
I remember reading a story, in 1996, about a man who woke up to find his 34 year-old wife dead in the bed next to him. She’d been given some of these supplements by her trainer, and had a heart attack, leaving her husband and 2 young kids without a wife and mother.
If people are willing to risk their own health, that’s one thing. But they have no right to pull other people in to their craziness.
um, my last trip to Target involved asking my grandpa to please wait in the aisle while I picked out a thong. Yours sounds infinitely more interesting (tho I did have loads of fun with the Grampsters.) Mazel tov on your first drug dealer!
Hate to say it but I would and have. I spent about 50 a week on ephedra pills through the internet (they can still be legally sold as brochilators (Sp?)). What can I say it works, and it helps me study, like a baby amphetamine. So bad, yet so good.
That’s so sad that someone would be so wrapped up in their looks that they would take supplements that are so dangerous (not to mention expensive)! I’m glad you and Allison escaped unscathed! 🙂
Fluff comment for the day because I am swamped at work and only get 5 minutes of brain space:
I LOVE THAT TARGET COMMERCIAL. There. I. Said. It. I’m in Texas next week and I want to scope out the nearest target because the prices are way better than those up in Canada.
I took Metabolife in college and though it got me through a 22 credit semester, it did nothing for my weight. The problem was not that I was hungry, it’s that I was eating whether I was hungry or not. And drinking sugary drinks all the time. I can’t even do caffeine anymore – those supplements would probably send me into shock.
And whoever took over for Target’s marketing department about 5-6 years ago when the more “hip” commercials started to come out – genius. And if it wasn’t a new team, kudos to turning it all around. Target actually kinda became cool again instead of just another discount department store.
I’ve competed in Figure (like fitness, sans rountine).Hmmm..is that what I used to sound like?
And brace yourself…are ya ready? I plan on competing again next year. ack!
Ok. This post made me laugh so hard. because
a) the first thing I thought when I saw that video was, “oh yeah, that’s me and Charlotte at Women’s Conference.”
and
b) I’ve had the protein lecture a gazillion times as well.
and
c)$48 a month? Please. Pay money to go so nuts you lose weight? Totally ridiculous.
(ok and ps. I’m leaving my comment for the other post down here because
I have no idea what I would do!! (and I didn’t want my comment to be first…I’ll be first when I’m nice and succinct) My first thought is, “NO! She’s a little girl beautiful no matter what her weight! Is she just putting on a little pre-pubescent pudge? (how old was she?) Doesn’t that happen to most everyone? But then I think, if her mom wasn’t negative about the situation and was even like, “hey. let’s exercise, good healthy mommy/daughter times” than what’s the big deal?
I think the real question is how she’s treated at home over it. If the mom handles it well at home (no belittling or making her feel horrible for not fitting into her clothes, etc.) then yay for exercising together.
BUT if the mom is making her DIET I just have the feeling it’s the beginning of the long and horrible cycle a lot of us know. You hate to see anyone get on that ride.
However,
haha. just kidding, no “however”.
Uh, that would be: No. Too bad you didn’t run into ME at target. You needed someone with the experience of bonking (and maybe she has of a different sort…) and de-bonking. I’m a GU girl myself (only Vanilla though, Chocolate is too thick–gag!) But you really have to buy several and experiment; test your tummy tolerance. Also a big fan of Cytomax (a drink), although I hesitate recommending anything with “max” in it right now… it is legal and excellent for the super long workout. However, I can’t tell you what’s in it. My husband buys all the “engineered foods” in our house (he’s MY dealer) and I trust his judgement.
Here’s a huge Mandy Blank’s gallery!: Mandy Blank Fitness Model Gallery