My friends paid a boy to kiss me. I was sweet sixteen and never been kissed – a fact that I remain unapologetic about to this day – but my friends decided that the best birthday present they could give me would be a soft-lipped hottie to revoke my VL membership. It didn’t quite turn out the way they had planned. First of all, the only person they could come up with was a random frat boy from the local university. I don’t think any of us, least of all me, even knew his name. Second, they paid him $20 which given the state of his hygeine I think he should have paid me.
Much to my parents’ amusement, my friends tarted me up (which in those days involved a lot of black eyeliner, ratty clothing and jewelry with spiders on it) and then trotted me off to meet said boy. He was behind a friend’s house, half hidden in the shadows like some kind of pervert. Which, given his age, my age and the circumstances, he kind of was. Before I could even get a good look at him (floppy hair, acne, muscley arms), he growled, “So how you wanna do this?”
I snorted, adjusted my goth jewelry and growled back, “I don’t know. I’m the amateur here, remember?”
And so I got a “cat’s butt kiss” – aptly christened by my high school friend T to describe the similarity between my tightly puckered mouth and and the business end of a feline – for my first kiss.
“What was it like?” my friends all shrieked before The Hired Help was even out of ear shot.
“Like kissing my dad.”
He hung his head. I blushed. Everyone was humiliated. Mission accomplished.
Except that on his way past me to the car, he groped my butt. Now, see, I had signed up for the kiss but the groping? It would have been the perfect opportunity for a Scarlett O’Hara-esque slap but I’ve never been the hitting kind. Instead I yelled, “Hey, that’ll be 5 bucks!”
Oddly, I was reminded of this amusement of an embarrassment (someday my kids will be so proud of mommy!) when I was reading the answer to my Yoga question over at The Weighting Game.
My Yoga Question: “My instructor never adjusts me. Is it appropriate to ask her to do so? She seems to be “hands off” in general but otherwise a good teacher.” (Backstory: I love yoga. If I had my way, it would be all yoga, all the time. With some running, for endorphins. And kickboxing. And dance. And some kettlebells. Okay, never mind. Anyhow, in every yoga class I’ve ever taken, the teacher has always done little manual adjustments to my form. It helps. I can’t see myself when I’m upside down. And a teeny adjustment can make a huge difference in the effectiveness of the pose.)
The Yoga Guru’s Answer: Is very long. But in summary they basically said that I might be a perv. Or the teacher might be a perv. Or perhaps neither one of us are pervs but instead might have been touched by pervs in the past (which, as you all know, I have) and therefore might interpret any touch as pervy. It was all very My Body, My Rules from eighth grade health class.
Bad Touch
It was not what I had expected. But it sure did give me a lot to think about because gyms are a unique environment for touching, both good and bad. Most of the girls I know have had some kind of workout experience involving bad touch from a man – usually just a touch or a pat done accidentally-on-purpose. My last memorable experience of this type involved a man who, over the course of a five-minute conversation, kept moving closer and closer to me. To which I responded by stepping farther and farther back. Until I was literally up against a wall. I actually had to duck under his arm and push him out of my way to end the conversation. Which thankfully he let me do. I don’t think he meant me any harm. I think he was just oblivious. But it still made my heart pound in a very uncomfortable way.
The opposite may also be true although I don’t have any first-hand knowledge of it. Any of you guys ever been groped by a woman? And not liked it?
Good Touch
The thing is, the gym is a great place to practice good touching. A high five, a pat on the shoulder, a form correction or a close spot can all be good, helpful things. I’ve been known to give Gym Buddy Allison a big sweaty hug on occasion. And Gym Buddy Megan (who ran her first marathon yesterday!!!) smacks my rear when she laps me on the track – a kind of combination giddyap-girl and friendly hello. Although you really have to be careful with the butt-smacking: I once had a boot-camp instructor smack the woman in front of me on the rear. I was so appalled I almost considered quitting the class right then and there. He must have seen my face because when he caught up to me on the next lap he explained the woman was his wife and that he would never, ever touch anyone else’s tushie. And he’s kept good on that promise, thank heavens.
Weird Touch
And then there’s weird touch. Gyms are a hot bed of weird touch. Like when a male friend and I were running side-by-side in bootcamp one day and his arm hit my arm and whacked my hand down onto his thigh. Both of us blushed redder than the fire hydrant that he had dodged, which caused the embarrassing accident in the first place. He spent the next solid mile apologizing. And I spent the next mile after that telling him he didn’t need to apologize.
Or just last week in Hip Hop, Turbo Jennie and I were dancing in near proximity to each other when she turned towards me at the exact moment I was doing some variation of the rodeo/who’s-your-daddy move and it was all Girls Gone Wild up in there for about 3 seconds. “Keep it g-rated, Charlotte!” she yelled and I was so embarrassed that I flubbed the next 4 measures. Yeah, I accidentally freaked on my aerobics instructor.
Awkward.
Touchy Feely
So let this be a lesson to you: don’t be me. Oh, wait. No, the lesson here is that there are rules and the rules are there for a reason. And the rules state that you are never to touch anyone, anywhere, for any reason. And if you decide to thwart rule number one, then you must publicly declare – preferably in writing – your intentions and the expected result. And if you still insist on touching, then at least offer to take me to dinner first.
So, enough of my embarrassing moments! Let’s hear yours!! Good touch, bad touch – lay it on me!
we have to do “up front” contracts with clients asking them if it is ok that we touch them in order to make sure they are doing exercises safely and effectively. most of them say yes, but even when you do its weird. i feel like im a pervert, or they think i am, so it usually turns into a poke. If I need someone to hollowout, instead of arching their back, i just do a one finger poke in the belly button. most people dont like to be poked, so they remember for next time and i only have to do it once.
no one at my gym talks. at all. ive never been touched or talked to at my gym. im a smiler, so if i make eye contact with someone i smile at them and even that makes them bolt upright and look from side to side awkwardly and then bolt.
maybe its just me 🙁
Kelly Turner
http://www.groundedfitness.com
i think I would talk to your yoga teacher privately and ask what the gym policy is on teachers adjusting students. I agree with you that a slight adjustment can make a world of difference in many types of workouts.
When I took dance, my teacher would ask you once if you minded being adjusted into position. Whatever you said she went with that answer and didn’t ask again.
Oddly enough, like Kelly, at my gym no one talked or anything. And at boot camp there’s no touching except when we got our measurements done… I think there MIGHT have been once or twice when I flubbed a move so she had to show me by touch but I don’t recall anything in particular. Most teachers have mastered the art of showing by almost-touch; wavering their hands just a couple inches in the air. It seems to be the standard these days for those very perv reasons that you have mentioned!
good god I love your writing.
and you are younger than I but do you recall the whole Antioch debacle with having to ask about touching?
I swear that gave me/my friends fodder for humor all 4 years of college.
and I LOVE to be touched.
love.
*love*
if Ive invited you.
Kelly – I’d never thought about the fact that gym employees probably have to sign contracts of that sort. And we’ve covered this before, but you totally need to come workout with me:) Very friendly place (sometimes TOO friendly) – my Y.
leigh anne – good advice! I’m a little afraid to talk to my Yoga teacher though. She’s very… brusque. Your teacher’s approach sounds reasonable.
Sagan – I don’t know why but just the image of the trainers waving their hands around like they are casting a spell on you makes me giggle:)
MizFit – Good point about INVITING people to touch you. Love it.
The most memorable touching incident at the gym for me was when a friend of my dad and step mom goosed me while I was doing leg curls.
I was single, so I wasn’t worried about getting in trouble. But, I did kind of wonder what her husband would think about it……….
As a guy, I have less touching issues at the gym (the only person that touches me is my wife in what I think may be a territory marking ceremony).
What I do have are chatting issues.
There is this one lady in particular that seems to see me as a challenge to chat up. Most other guys seem to want to hit on her. While I on the other hand just want to lift and get out.
She didn’t even take the hint one time when I said my motto was “Shut up and lift!”
Thankfully, she hasn’t touched me. I think my wife would freak!
I still remember Fern (the furnace),and playing spin the bottle in 7th grade! She was in 8th grade..Yikes!!
As a doctor, I have found that touching patients appropriately can convey caring and compassion.
I had an evil co-worker who would get upset if you gave her a pat on the shoulder (not that I did, but someone else tried it once), yet when I was working with this woman she would edge her chair forward until our knees touched. I’d move back, she’d move her chair forward. One occasion, I was leaning back against my desk when she decided to lean forward into my lap to type something on my computer keyboard. I think I had to escalate up to brusque before she would back off.
Sorry. Had to share that story.
Are you charging for this therapy?
James W – “a territory marking ceremony”!! You are both hilarious and accurate.
Dr. J – Indeed, I’m sure you have to deal with this issue even more than I do!
Merry – that’s what I’m here for! Your coworker sounds insane.
As a massage therapist, it is my job to touch people. So, I have to be careful when I’m outside of the office. For instance, I might rub a back when I’m talking to a friend or grab their hand enthusiastically when telling a story. My friends know that I’m like this, and it’s just my way of loving them, but I have to be careful around strangers. People need touch, but not everyone is comfortable with it.
As far as the gym goes, my old yoga teacher used to physically adjust us all the time. She left for another yoga studio, and I quit going to yoga classes. The other teachers don’t ever get up from their mats, and it just seems kind of cold compared to my former instructor. But, again, I like touch.
On a side note, I can’t imagine going to a gym where no one talks to one another. I use the Y as well, and I swear at least 50% of members use it as their social time with friends. As much as I like to go in and concentrate on my workouts, it’s always nice to get a wave or friendly smile from a fellow member.
When I was training to be a fitness instructor, they told us that we shouldn’t touch members. To correct a squat, for instance, I should put my hand in front of their knee and then hold it there until their knee hits my hand (and not let it go further). This means that really, they’re touching me, and I’m correcting their form by not letting the knee go past my hand.
I do sometimes touch people, but I try to be gentle and discreet about it. I do feel weird sometimes when I’m trying to correct bench presses (because you’re supposed to bring the bar down to nipple level, not to the neck. So I put my hand beside their chest (without touching) to show them where to bring the bar. It still feels weird though).
I went on a date once with a guys who’s a sign language interpreter. He works with his hands all the time, and the deaf community is very touchy feely, from what I understand. So I couldn’t tell if he was flirting or if he’s just ordinarily a very touchy feely person (it was the latter).
I love that I read this post mere hours after watching the “Aaron: He’s A Close Talker” episode of Seinfeld.
Personally, I have a 1.5m forcefield around me which nobody can cross or they will get turned to stone with my Evil Eye. It’s more down to being self-conscious than being a monster though, I promise.
I get particularly shy when people come too close to me at the gym because I’m generally mortified about how sweat-soaked I am.
I’m pretty sure it’s not pervy to want to have perfect form though, how dare they insinuate such a thing ;0)
TA x
If I don’t know you, don’t touch me. And if you think you’ve known me long enough to smack my ass – wait another 2 weeks because I hit back. :p
I agree with Heather that people need to be touched. I’ve never had an instructor adjust me, and it’s always kind of bothered me, especially when I know my form’s “off” because something feels wrong, but I can’t figure out what.
But I’m also very touchy-feely.
I’m not a touchy-feely kind of person; I like my personal space, not a big hugger either. However, the instructor at the yoga class I used to go to did manually adjust my position a few times and I never found it weird or inappropriate.
Once, at my last job, after the second round of lay-offs that our company had gone through, and after losing more team members, a male co-worker put his arm around my shoulder. I know it was meant to be comforting, but I found that a little weird and uncomfortable.
I’m not really sure what my point is, but those are my experiences. 🙂
Charlotte- I just shouted out to my yoga instructor, “Do you do adjustments?” So now she does when her class isn’t packed. She always asks before touching and did a yoga massage with partners class last week. that was a little intimidating as I didn’t know my partner at all! However, it worked out well. She explained the class before hand and gave anyone option to leave if it wasn’t what they wanted to participate in. It was amusing to watch how some people were really comfortable with the touching and others were very giggly.
My kickboxing instructor is Filipino and she says at the beginning of class… “I WILL touch you in this class”. I just mention her nationality because touch is culturally influenced.
My aunt went to a new GYN doc and he pattted her on the arm after the exam and said nice to meet you. She said she would never go back again.
I grew up without touch, now I’m much “touchier” than the rest of my family.
This post is hysterical. Next time I am in the gym I will definitely be thinking about this!
heather – Yay, another Y girl!! I agree with you about the yoga teachers who never leave their mats… it’s just wrong.
Lethological – it’s still funny to me that the whole time I wrote that question and this post, it never occurred to me that the gym would instruct their teacher to NOT touch. Good thing I have you guys around to educate me!
TA – I’m a heavy sweater too so I can totally understand you there! When I am normally talking to people, I stay a good distance away;)
SeaBreeze – your comment should be on a t-shirt. Seriously! I’m giggling something fierce over here.
Tricia – That’s how I am too! I just can’t manage to adjust myself and get it right (wow, now I sound like a dude!)
JavaChick – that’s my point exactly!! That even if you’re not a “touchy feely” person, in yoga if you are adjusted the right way then it’s NOT weird!
Godiva – good point about the cultural influences. Americans are notoriously non-touchy. And the story about your aunt is hilarious!!
Ashley – just be careful, girl, or subliminally it’ll make you do something embarrassing like me;)
I always ask a client beofore I touch them. I just say “Is it OK if I make an adjustment?” and I say it quietly, so they (hopefully) feel free to refuse.
But I also try to do as much verbal adjusting and demonstratring as possible.
When I’m taking a class, especially a yoga class, I do love getting a physical adjustment. I think I’m more comfortsble with that because of my acting background: we’re all touchy-feely types, lol!
Well Charlotte, again you amaze me with an interesting story and a memory from your own life. Thanks for the enjoyment. I should warn, however, that when you end a blog entry about touch you might want to avoid using the term “what about your stories, LAY IT ON ME!” sounds inviting to me… LOL
On a more serious, I mean personal note, touching rules. And I dont mean in the perverted way, although that aint too bad either (sorry, I am a man, perv kind of comes wrapped with the testicles and penis; it’s not an option like power steering, it just tags along. most men out grow it… ha!). I digress, touch rules. For all the reasons you outline. In the gym it CAN be strange, probably more so for a women than a man. But then that’s probably true in, and out of the gym.
For me my gym-related touch story starts in England. I was taking this totally rad yoga class from an absolutely adorable and amazing instructor. I;ve never seen anyone so flexible. She was very knowledgeable and a patient instructor. But the thing I (we, my wife and I) liked most about her is that she touched us. In order to get us to “feel” the correctness, or incorrectness in my case, of the postures, she physically moved us. In one case, she actually placed her foot on the back of my wife, near the top of her butt and pulled her back into a backward bendy thing on the floor. For me, it got a bit closer to my danglies. While in downward facing dog my instructor literally reached underneath me, yes between my legs and from about an inch above my penis she pulled back while simultaneously pushing down on my lower back so I had the right form. Sounds totally perverted and if I showed photos, drew a pic, or video taped it, yeah it would look like she were performing some sort of clever move on me. But it was not like that. She was confident and knowledgeable and conveyed that in her teachings. She was truly helping me. It was amazing, and not sexual or uncomfortable even though she had been the first person that near to me privates since I got married (and met my new wife). I guess if I had not been so into yoga then it would have been awkward.
We are so crazy about touch – i think it’;s because of all this stupid sexual harassment shit, but that’s just my opinion – touch is, or I should say, can be wonderful if used appropriately. For example, the best thing for a new born baby, so the data show is to touch, physically skin to skin the mother shortly after birth. It creates a simultaneous release of oxytocin strengthening the bond between mother and child and some say it even reduces the possibility of developing post-partum depression (i dont know about that though).
Here in the states, I request that my teachers (martial arts and yoga) touch me – not in that perverted way and I am certainly not buying anyone dinner (have you seen academic salaries! damn!), but rather in an educational way. More than one instructor has indicated to me that touching is out of the ordinary, that even though they would very much like to physically position their clients, students, etc that they are generally warned not to do so for obvious reasons. The instructors I have had actually said it was a pleasure to be able to make sure I was doing things correctly.
I would let your instructor know that you are amenable to touch in order to get the most ‘bang for your buck’ although I might choose different words to indicate such…
Azusmom – I am still dying to take one of your classes. I bet you are just awesome.
Prof. – As always, your comments are elucidating, informative, and entertaining with just a dash of juvenile humor;) I love your yoga story. You make a great point. You can’t just feel how a down (ward facing) dog is supposed to feel if you’ve never done it right! Good point about just asking for correction.
De-lurking to say 1. I enjoy your blog and 2. I’m a yoga teacher and I don’t tend to adjust students at the gym classes, but I do in the studio where I also teach. Typically gyms do have policies against such things whereas studios? Well you kind of expect a helpful hands on experience. Student to teacher ratio is smaller in the studio and you can get to know students better.
Having said that you asked for our own awkward experiences? I once reached down to clasp hands under a male student to lift him and enhance him in a side plank? Only to seriously brush too low to his “junk” thru very thin shorts. Whooops. Hands up back at ribs! hands up back at ribs! Aaaaaah! ~Nichole
http://www.poweryogagirl.com
I used to hate anyone touching me. I didn’t grow up in an intimate environment, and anyway, I was shy. Then I spent about three years in the rave scene, and that particular phobia was gone (along with a few others). Now, I like to greet most of my friends of either gender with a hug – although I know which of them don’t like that, in which case I refrain.
I still think there’s an appropriate time to touch someone, and that many people don’t like to be touched EVEN WHEN it’s appropriate. That’s a shame, because physical contact is definitely important for mental well-being. As one of the former untouchables, though, I have to argue in their defense.
There’s a bad MC Hammer joke I should make approximately here.
And yet, as a massage therapist, I feel our society is touch deprived. Nurturing, non-sexual touch. After childhood, when do we receive gentle human touch?
Now, gentlemen, when you are being pervs, we are fully aware of it so back off.
Good grief this post cracked me up! 🙂
I don’t mind being touched in a class, but I would like to be warned – as in “Let me help you” or “I’m going to move your hand to the correct position” or something like that.
But I’m a photographer and I run into the same thing – sometimes when posing someone you just can’t get the idea across in words. I always joke a little with people – say something like “I’m not getting fresh – is it ok if I move your hand for you” or anything along those lines.
And sometimes you can just tell by someone’s body language if they’re ok with touching or not!
Alice – great point about everyone needing safe non-sexual touch.
Kara – you are a photographer too?? Is there anything you aren’t good at? I like your joking method. Glad I cracked you up. I sure cracked me up writing it;)
this summer I almost broke my gym partner’s nose with a medicine ball. he laughed… after the tears stopped.
in 5th grade when we were playing capture the flag I totally tripped and grabbed this boy’s butt while I was chasing him. I could never talk to him again for the next 4 years w/o blushing after that.
Thattallgirl – Oh I can so relate to the gym class story! So much embarrassment there, so little time;)
I’ve never been touched inappropriately at the gym. The gym I go to has a lot of males (especially in the weight area, where I hang out…I hate cardio machines), but they’ve always been respectful.
Pretty funny about your boot camp instructor smacking that woman on the rear! Good thing he told you it was his wife!
As a swimming instructor, I’ve had to touch people and be very up close and personal. When I started teaching adults, I didn’t really know how to teach them differently than the kids, so I would hold them up cheek to cheek and push on their back and touch their bellys encouraging them to back float… I did have some awkward moments, especially when girls would wear 2-pieces or it would be a large hairy guy. I think that the most important thing is intentions. My students seemed to know that my intentions were honorable, so the touching was o.k.
Are any of your readers massage therapists? That’s a touching that gets intimate and potentially embarrasing.
how did i miss this post??
I was really surprised by her answer, too, but happy to know that this kind of thing is on the minds of at least some practitioners. I am seeing a new chiropractor and the other day, before showing me how to do a certain breathing exercise which required him to put his hand on my chest/ribs, he asked for permission, which I thought was extremely thoughtful and smart.
PS I didn’t have my first kiss ’til 15! We’re late bloomers…
Wow that is an excellent post. I guess I never really paid much attention to gym etiquette before, if someone happened to accidently brush up against me or such I never paid attention whenther it was intentional or not, but now I will pay more attention. Great Post 🙂
Great to read these comments. I actually wrote the “My Body, My Rules from eighth grade health class” post.
In the interest of full disclosure, when I am the one teaching I am actually a very hands on, adjustment oriented teacher. The classes I teach are typically at workplaces and homes comprised of the same students (give or take a few) for months and years. I even routinely introduce partner yoga in my regular long-term classes (an hilarious example here).
Still, I didn’t know where your instructor was coming from. I now teach much less, but manage over 50 instructors. I have known many of them for years. Between those instructors and my clients I have heard more than my fair share of stories about extreme physical and sexual abuse and even more about subtle forms of manipulation and intimidation.
As a result we have really tried to create a comfortable, open, healthy approach to touch. We even had two LMTs teach our instructors the Hakomi method as a way to create healthy boundaries while still providing, caring, genuine and attentive instruction.
I love yoga, too. And as much as even I cringe a little bit at our hippie approach to the whole thing, there are just so many people out there. I would hate to think that my or one of our instructor’s accidentally overstepping someone’s boundaries might be the thing that keeps them from loving yoga the way I do.
Thanks again for the post!
I'm going through your older posts and I just had to share on this one! One of the most embarrassing moments in my life was in phys ed -swim class- in high school. I really sucked at swimming and still do, so I was struggling to move, let alone have the proper form or stay in a strait line. I was doing laps, practising my back stroke, but I drifted to the side of the lane and into the next one. When I was almost to the wall in the shallow end my hand grabbed a guy's junk instead of water!! I was so embarrassed I stopped right there, blushed and turned back, never mind the wall! And not on my back this time.
I think I avoided eye contact with that guy for like the next 6 months… I was so shy back then that didn't help! Which was a shame because he a nice guy and in all my classes!
So my point is it happens to guys to, but I think most of the time it's unintentional in their case, whereas we also have pervs to deal with.
Oh and touch to teach is perfectly ok in my book, as long as you stay away from my boobs and but!
I just wanted to say how much reading these comments has helped me right now. My weird aerobics instructor touched me today several times after I said not to (he looks really creepy, always stares at women’s butts… of course he has an excuse, but he looks just creepy to me) and I placed a complaint at the desk… they all looked annoyed and the vibe I got was that I was overreacting. Oh well… I think I have the right not to be touched if I don’t want to, right?…