Most people have a hard time getting to the gym. I have a hard time getting out of the gym. My love of everything fitness has become my defining personality trait. That is often what people know me for. It doesn’t help either that my hobbies include reading about fitness, writing about fitness and talking about fitness. And don’t forget, you know, actually exercising.
In a country where two-thirds of the population are overweight and two-thirds of the starlets are underweight, someone who is very committed to their exercise regimen is often seen as smart, dedicated, energetic and principled. Which I hope that I am. However, I am also crazy.
That is not a word my therapist likes – and I mention my therapist here at the outset so all of you will relax in the knowledge that I am “getting help” – but crazy is a pretty apt descriptor of my mental state. I am a person of extremes. A perfectionist. A black and white thinker. Type A personality. Call it what you want but what it all boils down to is being bad at balance.
This pattern of extreme positions has been replayed many times over in my life. My passion is often what draws people to me and my fanaticism is what drives them away. With me, it’s two sides of the same coin. On one hand I was a straight A student, valedictorian of every graduating class I’ve ever been in. On the other hand I can be a ferocious know-it-all despite my glaring ignorance in many subjects. And then there’s the food – on one hand I am very educated on health and healthy eating. On the other hand I was so eating disordered that we had to make up a name to accurately describe all my neuroses about food. All of which brings me to exercise. First anorexic, then orthorexic and now – ta da! – compulsive exerciser.
How Did I Get Here?
So, besides being just generally compulsive, how does one become an exercise addict? Well, it’s quite simple. I’ve talked about the reasons why I exercise. Feeling strong, safe and sane are very compelling – and legitimate – reasons to seek out that endorphin rush. But other motivations have crept in over the years. I believe it is these other motivators, primarily based out of fear, that have pushed me over the edge from “girl who likes to exercise” to “crazy girl who over exercises.”
Fear of hunger. Exercise is my permission to eat. I’m not actively eating disordered now but part of that is because I feel like I’ve earned the right to eat because I’ve exercised. No exercise? My mind says no food. I don’t starve but that’s only because I never miss a workout. In addition, I am terrified of feeling hungry. I am so afraid that if I just let myself eat, I’ll eat anything and everything and I’ll never stop. But as long as I’m exercising, I’m not hungry. (What happens in the 30 minutes after a really intense workout is an entirely different story.)
Fear of fat. I am particularly ashamed of this feeling because it shows how entirely I’ve bought into our society’s perception of fat = evil. Even though rationally I know it isn’t true, it still lurks in the back of my mind. See, I think that there are people for whom being thin is a natural state and then there are people for whom being thin takes a lot of hard work and constant vigilance. I am of the latter variety. Whether or not it is true, I believe that I hold my body at a weight that it would not choose, if left to its own devices.
Fear of anxiety. This is probably the reason that holds the most power for me. I use exercise as my stress reliever. I’m a very anxious person and exercise, intense exercise, is the quickest way to feel better. Unfortunately a lot of anxiety requires a lot of exercise to burn it off. Those of you who have been through Psych 101 will recognize this as the classic OCD cycle.
Fear of myself. I often tell people that the only time I like me is when I’m working out. It is a sad statement and I am working on changing that but at the moment it is true. The only time when I am not harshly critical of my body is when I’m exercising. There – in the gym – is when I am proud of it for everything it can do, when I stop punishing it for feeling hungry or for my chubby thighs, when I allow it to feel sexy and smart. If only I could hold onto that feeling but it fades as quickly as my runner’s high.
It’s addicting. Anyone who has hit that place of euphoria that you can only reach from intense physical exertion knows that your first thought afterward is “How can I get back here?” I’m an adrenaline junkie.
The Problem With Compulsive Exercise
Despite its reputation for being the disorder that everyone wishes they had, there are many downsides to compulsive exercise. First, it’s very time consuming. If left on my own, I’ll work out upwards of 5 or 6 hours a day. However, thanks to my children, I am never left on my own which becomes self limiting. Second, it often has the opposite of the desired effect. I first took up running to lose weight. But I’ve discovered that if I run too much, I actually gain weight. Third, I’ve experienced many negative health effects resulting from over training like amennorhea, a suppressed thyroid and a myriad of smaller injuries. The greatest toll however is on my mind. By making my self worth dependent on something so capricious as a good workout, I’ve set myself up for a veritable roller coaster of highs and lows.
Learning To Balance
I have to admit, I was nervous to write about this. In a way, I feel like it reduces my credibility. But in the end I realized – from many of your comments, even – that anyone who knows me or has been reading this blog for more than a week already knows this about me. And you still love me, or at least tolerate me quietly. So it’s probably going to be all right.
By this point, I am sure some of you are nodding your heads as well. I know I’m not the only compulsive exerciser out there. In fact, I have gotten several e-mails to that effect. So what’s an over exerciser to do? For me, being aware of my proclivity for over doing it has led me to set up some checks and balances. The therapist is check number one. She’s great at reining me in. I encourage everyone, compulsive exerciser or no, to get a good therapist. Check two is, as you may have already noticed, writing the limits into my Experiments. It took me a while to figure this one out but now every 3rd Experiment or so, I try and pick something that will force me – like last month – to intentionally take it down. For you guys that means actually scheduling breaks for yourself and then not letting anything guilt you into not taking them. Check three is getting extra support when you need it. My Gym Buddies know how I am and are there for me when they can see I’m getting too frenetic. I also have a cadre of qualified professionals like a psychiatrist and an eating-disorder specialist that I can meet with every once in a while when I need extra help. Lastly, humor goes a long way. I try to never take myself too seriously. Even in this.
Life is messy. I wish I could tell you that I’ve got it all figured out – that I’ve got Shawn Johnson balance skills. But I don’t. I do however believe that God can help turn our weaknesses into strengths and I am enjoying the process. Yes, sometimes I stumble. But I also have moments of joy every day. I love what I do. And I’m learning. Sometimes that’s all you can ask of yourself.
Im honored to the the first to comment here charlotte and yet Ive not much to say.
Ive said some to you privately and Im gonna leave it at that.
Your honestly. Your strength (on the inside. where it isnt measured by pounds hoisted). Your ability to convey how SO MANY ARE FEELING through the simple stringing of words together. ALL SUCH A GIFT.
I know how you feel. The program I’m trying to get into (for my Ph. D.) I chose because it deals with both eating disorders and exercise addiction. And I’ve been there and would like to help others through it.
Thankyou for articulating our crazyvoices so articulately and comprehensively. I nodded so much as I read this that my head nearly came off its hinges.
You know what? Knowing that somebody as smart and funny and beautiful and brilliant as you lives with and fights the same demons as I do every day is an inspiration.
TA x
Charlotte, I don’t have the right to say a damn thing and I’m 100% sure this has been addressed by your therapist but . . . maybe the focus of your blog should shift. Could it be dangerous for a compulsive over-exerciser to make most of her writing about . . . exercising? Honestly, your writing is beautiful no matter what you write about and some of your most popular and thoughtful posts are about your mental health. Mental fitness counts too. Most of all I just wish you the best in feeling better :).
Brilliant post Charlotte. I am NOT an over exerciser by any means, but now I understand what drives someone to be that way. I am so glad you were honest about this and decided to post it.
I really really love the line about God turning our weaknesses into strengths AND enjoying the process – this really hit home with me today. Thank you.
Well, being your long lost twin, I have variations of the same list as you! As you said, it’s all about finding balance.
I’ve been a serious exerciser for many years. What I’ve observed is,(not that it can’t all fall apart tomorrow) I’m healthier than most all of my contemporaries because of my careful diet and exercise lifestyle. I have a friend, who is much older than me. He is still in fabulous shape. He once told me that he always worked to stay fit, even though it was not in fashion at the time. Now most of his detractors are buried!
I’m sure you will face this challenge with the same beauty as you have faced others, sis 🙂
Ditto what mizfit said.
Oh, and you TOTALLY ROCK.
You speak for so many of us!
My big thing with compulsive exercising is my fear of anxiety. I get really anxious and sharp and cranky when I don’t exercise. Exercise IS my therapy.
But it definitely helps to be aware that you’re a compulsive exerciser- certainly makes me pause and consider from time to time if I’m over-exercising so I can pull back (which, amusingly enough, is very similar to what I talked about at my blog today!)
I’m not quite into compulsive exerciser stage (I do love my days off), but it’s when those days off stretch out too frequently that I start to feel like I’m blubbing out (even if I’m not), then I start to get a little frantic to get back into the swing of things.
Charlotte – I will admit that I was worried after reading your October summary, but this post reassures me that you are aware of your tendancies. It takes guts to write a post like this and I commend you for it.
DAMMIT CHARLOTTE.
Here I was thinking I was all better and pleased as punch to be middle-of-the-road, gray thinking Kelly, when I read the fear of hunger. Thats totally me. I spent so many years starving myself, that I’ve gone the complete opposite. I will not let myself get hungry. I get anxious if I get hungry, because Im scared to LIKE the way it feels again. I used to live for that, and Im scared if I start to like it again I wont be able to stop. I eat constantly throughout the day- little meals and snacks that healthfully fuel my body, but constantly none the less.
Someone told me, my counselor I think, that normal people use hunger as a “hmm I need to eat soon” cue, but people with food issues use it as a fire alarm “I need food now!”
I get cranky when Im hungry, and I tell people its just how I am, but now that I think about it, its more that I get anxiety, and cant calm down until i eat something.
You made me think. I hate that.
Kelly Turner
http://www.groundedfitness.com
Thank you SO much for sharing this. It sounds like we have similar backgrounds and struggles with food & exercise. It is so helpful to hear someone else's thoughts on something that I've had to struggle with. I have a lot of the same fears you have. I feel like I am in a better place now (exercising a lot) than I was a year ago (not eating a lot), but it's still hard.
Thank you again 🙂
OMG. I am sitting here in tears. I don’t even know you and yet you so eloquently, honestly and openly beared your soul to me. And you touched my soul. You spoke right to me. I admire your courage and your ability to reflect upon your life and your struggles and really “see” what is going on. To put words to what has previously been, for me, unexplainable. If you ever wonder why you do what you do and why God has given you this gift, I can only tell you that part of the reason is to reach people like me. I can’t thank you enough. You are truly amazing.
Wow. I can relate to a lot of this, although I’m not now an over-exerciser. But that fear of hunger thing – yeah. In college, I used that as an appetite suppressant, because when I exercise, I don’t get hungry afterward for at least an hour, sometimes two. So when I got hungry around lunchtime . . . I’d just go to the gym instead of eat. (That’s part of the reason I refuse to use my lunch hours now as workout periods. I think it would be too easy to start skipping meals again if I did.)
Ditto what Liz said and so awesome that your honesty could reach and touch so many people.
I put this as a comment two posts ago and not sure you read it, but maybe you should set some goals for exercise that don’t focus on weight. For instance, register for a triathlon. The cross training is awesome, you are already working out a ton anyways, and the goal at the end will be the focus. It would be interesting to see how your body/mind would respond.
Could be a great experiment, getting excited about a new goal and I could help you with training plans and what not.
Charlotte, that was beautiful. Thank you so much for continuing to share so much of yourself with all of us.
Overachievers, unite. When I find something I enjoy I take it to new levels of crazy until I take ALL the fun out of it and have a nervous breakdown. I cannot have nice things. But I’m working on it.
I’ve made a conscious and decisive effort in the last two years to become a more balanced and healthy person, but I can definitely still see the tendencies in myself to get megamanichally crazy with my blinders on, focused only on THE HOLY GRAIL of whatever my sights were on, leaving the rest of my life in shambles in the wake of my fury to get what I want. It’s how I got to be the youngest and only female producer at my last company heading up her own title at 26. It’s also how I got to 265 lbs.
I’ve learned I have to set limits, and eventually they become habits. I had to force myself to go home after an 8 hour day and not keep working at home until it became normal. Now, since my focus has drifted to fitness and fat loss, I have to make sure I don’t try to eat too little (though my body pretty much shuts down if I do, I’m lucky in that aspect) or do too much at the gym.
I think I found myself a blog topic for later in the week….
http://www.adjustedreality.com/blog
Mizfit – thank you for your help and support. You know I love you!
Tricia – Glad to know that there are people doing research on this. Please do let me know what you discover.
TA – thank you! I would say all of that right back at you:)
Liz – Thanks for the advice:) You are right in that sometimes this blog contributes to my mania. My therapist would like to see me give it up. But right now I feel like more good than bad comes out of it so I'm sticking around a while longer:)
Jill- thanks!
Dr. J – thank you for your gentle and wise perspective.
Azusmom – right back at'cha, girl;)
Sagan – loved your blog today! Glad I'm not the only oneL=:)
Lethological & Seabreeze – thanks for the continued support! You guys are awesome.
Kelly – It's good to know you still struggle too sometimes! You seem like such a tough chick. Amazing how far reaching the effects of eating disorders are, no?
Magpie – Thanks – it's good to know that others have been here and have gotten past it!
Anon – What you wrote – that's why I wrote this. I'm so glad it helped you feel less alone!
Marste – Thanks! It helps to know others struggle with these thougths too.
Darcy – Yes, I saw your comment. Sorry it's taken me so long to reply! I don't honestly know if training for an event like a tri would be a good thing or a bad thing. I've competed in quite a few road races (don't even own a bike so never did anything but run) and my competitive nature overtakes my healthy motives I'm afraid. I'll think on it though. And your offer is incredibly generous!!
Just Jen – Thank you for reading:)
Quix – We sound so much alike!! I'm looking forward to your blog post!
Oh Charlotte, I feel for you! We all have our issues with food and/or exercise or we would not be here everyday chronicling our lives for complete strangers to read. You are definitely not alone. My own personal issue is emotional eating and escapism. I get lost in other things so that I don’t have to think about what is going down in my world. I eat unconsciously and often due to emotional ups and downs. I struggle every day with this as you do! So even though our issues are not the same, in a way they are.
Thank you for being a source of support and encouragement to me.
Jenn
As the others have also noted, you rock. 🙂
Though I am not currently a compulsive exerciser (damn hip), I have struggled with this in the past. I have a friend who has been a compulsive exerciser for years and has never had treatment. People will say about her, “Well, that is her way to eat whatever she wants! And it’s healthy to exercise!” Sometimes people really struggle with recognizing when exercising has gone PAST the point of being “healthy.”
Thank you for being honest and up front…I don’t know what else to say, except that you are obviously affecting many people with your writing in a positive way – including me. 🙂
Thanks for the honest post. A minor back injury this summer helped me realize I too am a bit of a compulsive exerciser.
how insightful, and such strength. i want to say more, but i’m at a loss for words! luckily you aren’t 🙂
my compulsive exercise was to combat my compulsive eating. I have the same fears…at the moment I am not afraid of being fat…but i know if i couldn't teach/exercise at this level i would gain that fear. And i hate that I have bought into that as well. great post.
Mary Kate
Wow. You have been "reading my mail". While I don't exercise for multiple hours, if left to my own devices I probably would. I had not taken the time (or wouldn't LET my mind take the time) to think about the true motivations for my OCD-ness. I truly believe that some are born with chemical imbalances and while the problem does not excuse the behavior, is a legitimate reason to seek help and not be overly harsh and unforgiving of yourself (as many of us "perfectionists" behave. Thank you for your honest, yet hopeful, post. You have lost no credibility in my eyes-you have gained it by being "real". Thank you.
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Umm, are you familiar with The New Rules of Lifting for Women (several writers). How does it differ from Rachel Cosgrove’s Female Body Breakthrough?
I’m thinking about bying one of them, but which one is “better”?
Noo, I put this comment on a wrong post!!
ROFL! No worries. And yes I’m quite familiar with both programs (I did a Great Fitness Experiment spanning several months on each one). For my money, I say Rachel Cosgrove’s program is far better!
Thanks, Charlotte! I’ll get the FMM then. 🙂
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