Sensei Don said something very interesting to me. It was in response to a question I asked if one could train instinct or if he (and karate philosophy) believe it is inborn. He replied, “About 98% of people are sheep. You put them in a situation where it’s life or death, such as the random knife attack on the bus in Canada, and most people will run away or hide. The remaining 2% have the instinct to fight.”
“So how does one know if they have the instinct to fight or not?” I asked.
“You don’t. Until it’s tested.”
I Am A Sheep
I was tested once.
The night I was assaulted, I was asleep. So he had the element of surprise on his side, not to mention an extra 60 pounds and nine inches. But I really think that it was the sleep that got me. The prosecutor would later make an assertion that I had been drugged but whether it was a chemically induced stupor or just shock, I woke up slowly. Too slowly. In my groggy state, it took me even longer to realize what was going on.
Despite the fact that he had a weapon – if you can call a razor blade a weapon – it didn’t feel particularly violent. Although later when I was cleaning up I would marvel at my torn clothing and the blood. But it wasn’t my blood; it was his. You see, the blade was meant to get me to comply but not by killing me. By threatening to kill himself. Looking back I’m sure he didn’t mean it, that it was just one of many ways he manipulated me that night. But at the time I was sure he did mean it and as I’ve already explained, I was also sure that one of us was going to die at his hand.
At the time, it felt like it took forever but in reality I think it was over fairly quickly. I remember that I tried screaming but gave that up when I realized that no one could hear me and it only antagonized him. So I cried instead. Just a quiet steady river that ran into my hair and down my neck. The great gulping sobs, along with the uncontrollable shaking, wouldn’t come until hours later when I was safe. And alone. When the physical-ness of it was over, the real drama began. He raved and whispered, cursed me and caressed me, threatened and pleaded. I watched from inside myself. And then I drove him home.
Not once did I fight him.
Aside from resisting as he removed my clothing, I was consumed by a sort of helpless passivity. Inevitability. Instinct, if you will. Others have since told me that I did what my mind thought was safest at the time and that I shouldn’t judge myself for (not) doing what I did. But it haunts me, that thing I didn’t do. I didn’t even try to fight him. He would not have killed me.
Learning To Hit
When I finally discovered kickboxing, it seemed the perfect antitode to the vulnerability that plagued me. I have convinced myself over the years, and even wrote as much in an essay, that were I to ever find myself in a similar situation, this time I would fight back. I would not again willingly become a victim.
But what if that is not true? What if I lack that instinct of self-preservation? Not only have I proved myself a sheep once but thanks to the horrors of the post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that consumed me during the court case, I have demonstrated over and over again that what I do is duck and cringe. And scream.
It is difficult for me to do this Karate Experiment without facing the spectre that introduced me to the desire to punch and kick in the first place. I do not take well to being handled by other people. I react strongly to innocent touch and overreact to aggressive touch. I tried once, years ago, to take a self-defense class but I made the mistake of doing a mixed-gender class and I ended it early in tears, feeling molested.
So now I must ask: Is it possible to change from a sheep to a fox? Are these patterns ingrained or can they be retrained? Can I be a fighter if I have the will but lack the instinct? The other day Gym Buddy V gave me his kickboxing gloves and let me go to town punching him (the dude is built like a brick wall). I have to tell you, it felt good. Really good.
What about you – have any of you been tested? Are you a sheep or a fox?
Disclaimer: I received a sad e-mail from a male reader of this site who said – in a very nice way – that he takes offense at my posts on this subject, reading them as a diatribe against his gender. This was in no way written as an affront to all men or to seek apologies for male-perpetrated crime in general. I think all of you commenters generally do an excellent job of not male bashing. I married an excellent man – the best I’ve ever met – and am the mother to three pre-men; I have every reason to celebrate mankind. I only write this because it seems vital to tell this story to stay to true my fitness experience.
Of course your sensei deserves respect, etc, but I think that’s a false dichotomy. Perhaps there are people who seem like sheep (passive, reactionary) and people who seem like foxes (shrewd, instinctual, cunning). Perhaps there’s another option. I think there are people for whom that cunning instinct is not on the surface. But that does not mean that we cannot learn to react to our surroundings, to protect ourselves, to not be complacent, to take control of our experiences. I can relate to the disgusting, terrifying manipulation — and I (sadly, perhaps, as it suggests a loss of innocence) will never be manipulated in that way again. I can relate to being overpowered and assaulted, and I hope that my mind has been trained as well as my body to not react the same way again. We might not be able to develop inherent traits, but I do think that we can develop skills and strengths and that we can learn from experiences — perhaps the middle ground is that of a cunning, shrewd sheep).
We can’t all be Jackie Chan, after all.
[p.s. I understand that some people would take offense at your sharing your story, but please, please don’t be silenced. Imagine all the people who are too scared to say anything or who blame themselves and think it’s their fault. We all need to hear how healthy, powerful women are thriving, and sometimes faltering, so that we might see that part of ourselves more clearly.]
Char – Every time I read your posts about the attack and the aftermath, I think you are an incredibly brave woman. You did fight back! So many assaults go unreported, and it just allows the attacker to continue. Fighting back in the courts, making it loud and clear that he did something wrong; instead of remaining silent – you are the woman!
I agree with the sensei that a person will never know what they are capable of until tested. I have not been tested, but merely by chance of having extremely scary, big armed male friends whenever someone’s behavior was pushing over the line.
Beat the crap out of something on a regular basis, it feels good.
As for the male reader taking offense – f*** it! Charlotte has the right to post whatever the heck she feels like, and he has the right to not read it.
hmr – I cannot tell you how much your comment helped me. Thank you for taking the time to write it. I am sorry that you have experienced something so similar but I am impressed and heartened by the fact that you would not react the same way again. I’m all for being a cunning, shrewd sheep:) And thanks for the encouragement.
Toots – Strangely I never thought of the court case as “fighting back”! So thank you for that. It wasn’t a physical fight at that point but it was the right thing to do I suppose.
And as far as my male reader goes, I appreciate your support but I don’t think he meant me any offense, he was just letting me know how he felt.
I think there are very few things about ourselves that we can’t change. Only varying degrees of effort (or trauma) required to effect the change.
I confess I don’t understand the offense taken by the commenter. Simply telling ones story does not make it an affront to the gender of the guilty party in it. I’m sorry he chose to be offended.
I can relate to the part about practicing martial arts bringing up feelings about the past. When I took a self-defense course, I had to act out and defend myself against a man who was over six feet tall — about the same size as the man who used to beat me up on a regular basis. It was shocking to confront the memories this encounter dredged up.
And I was really, really grateful to the men who volunteered to be the aggressors in this self-defense class. Even with the padding and protection that they put on, they still deliberately left themselves open to being hurt so that we could learn to fight back.
You are an inspiring, strong willed woman and not only was getting justice against him a fight against the ultimate battle, but so is sharing your story with all of us. More power to ya sista! Thank you for sharing your story so that others can be empowered by your courage.
I completely agree with Toots – you DID fight back. And the way you fought back (I believe) actually took more guts because it wasn’t down to any natural instinct. It was a conscious decision that meant you had to relive that awful situation over and over in order to get justice and do the right thing – for you AND OTHERS (and that shows real compassion and selflessness).
I think it takes a stronger person to deal with these experiences in the way YOU did than get an adrenalin rush and throw a punch.
I have so much respect for you Charlotte. Don’t doubt yourself on this. Don’t doubt who you are. You sharing all this is helping and inspiring so many others who have been through the same thing and felt terribly alone. You are doing an amazing thing.
TA x
Can you turn a sheep into a fox (or a wolf)? Sure.
The thing about fighting back is that it’s not instinctual. Most of us don’t have the instinct to hurt other people–the exceptions are criminals like the VBB. We just aren’t built to harm.
“Fighting back”, when you’re talking about defending yourself physically, is all about harming another person. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of a course called Rape Aggression Defense (aka “model mugging”), but that’s what they teach: If somebody is trying to hurt you, you have to hurt them first, faster, and more. What my RAD instructor said was this: “Even if you don’t kill them, you’ll hurt them badly enough that they can’t come after you.”
That is almost impossible to do without enough training that it becomes automatic.
Think about it: basic training for the armed services involves, essentially, breaking a person down into her component parts and rebuilding her so that her inborn reluctance to hurt another human can be overcome by a *trained reaction*.
Women, especially women who’ve been sexually assaulted, always feel bad because they didn’t respond in some “ideal” way to their assault. It’s like we think we ought to be able to meet aggression with aggression, but we as a species are just plain not wired that way. We’re wired to get along, minimize conflict and harm, and protect ourselves no matter what.
So, yeah, anybody can become a fighter. But it requires a lot of work to overcome thousands of years of instinct. Not overcoming that instinct does not mean you’re weak or somehow lesser; it just means that you’re doing what you need to do to stay alive in a different way.
I get the commenter completely. IMO it is 100% about him. how he views the world. his perceptions. we bring that to everything we do and read and see and experience and one mans ‘slam against his gender’ is anothers ‘wow she is strong, has endured, and WOW people can be cruel and thank G-D Charlotte triumphed’ (my husband’s reactions when I make, err, urge him to read your posts)
I have absolutely no idea if Id be a sheep or a fox.
I think sexual assault–especially when there’s all the twisted psychological manipulation–is different than other kinds of attacks, I think. Sometimes our ability to respond is dismantled somehow, or tangled up, and I don’t think this makes the person passive. In other words I don’t see you as being a sheep AT ALL, and the other commenters who talked about the court case as fighting back are absolutely right. How many people actually find the courage to do that? Or to truly face what an experience of being overpowered does to us long term? I’m bumbling around trying to do this and it’s overwhelming–not for the faint of heart. Nobody who deals with this stuff is faint of heart–lion-hearted is more like it!
Anyway, I’ve been lurking and so enjoying your blog. (I really like the way you talk about both these kinds of rough things so honestly and also your delightful adventures in the lighter side!)
Charlotte you are just so brave to even share your story with us, I could never consider you a sheep. I’m not going to argue with your sensei, but personally I do think there are more than just Sheep and Foxes in the universe. And anybody can learn the physical responses to aggressive situations, simply by learning and repeating the scenario anybody can perform defensive violence.
Not everybody has the mental strength that you have. Not only to face up to your attacker and follow through the legal system to get justice, but to go on and write about it so openly and honestly. In doing so you risk hearing judgements and comments from those who misunderstand and take your posts as some reflection on them, and that is brave.
Please keep being you, regardless of whatever animal that may be! 🙂
I just read Jo’s comment, and I love this part:
“it just means that you’re doing what you need to do to stay alive in a different way.”
That is SO true. You can apply it in so many situations, it really reasonated with me. Thanks Jo. 🙂
Having been tested too many times, I have found that, although usually up to the task, I’ve never gotten to the point where I know I’ll be OK the next time. Fear is the mind-killer has been a useful mantra for me, and has “saved” me more than once.
I haven’t found your posts anti-male. Actually, I find you guys more male-positive than most. As there are two sexes in our species, a little competition is to be expected.
Am agreeing with so many people here. You are so amazing.
I was attacked by 6 girls once who tried to steal my purse and I fought back. Managed to save my purse, too. But I think that them being strangers was a huge deal- you knew this guy. Knowing someone makes a big difference.
At the time, I was glad it had happened for the very reason that I now knew how I’d react if something like that happened again. However, I think each time is different. Maybe in another case- if these girls had been male, or if they had a weapon- I would have surrendered my purse. Bottom line, I think it’s case specific. In some cases we’ll be sheep, in other cases, foxes. And we just won’t know until we’re in those situations.
I was thinking along the same lines as Jo – in the military you would be trained so that you would just react without thinking. For many of us fighting back probably doesn’t come naturally because we have this aversion to the idea of hurting someone. Add to that the fact that we may not have the know how.
Once you do have some of the know how, and your body is used to going through the motions, it’s hard to say what would happen. I also think that it may depend on the situation. If you are in a situation where passivity seems the most likely option to save your life, maybe that’s what you do. But if it comes to fight or die, you might react differently. It’s hard to say how a person will react when pushed to their limits.
Charlotte, I agree with some of the other commenters. You DID fight back when you took your attacker to court. I know that must have been a huge battle for you, emotionally, mentally, and physically. It really takes a Fox to do something like that, and don’t ever think otherwise!
you are the least sheep-like person I know, Charlotte. When someone assaults you, violates you, pounces on you while you are in your must vulnerable state (sleeping), you can hardly bust out swinging immediately. It’s fight or flight and some people go on the offense, others defense. You did nothing wrong – you were in a self-preservation mode. Please be easier on yourself. This man – this thing, really, b/c he’s not a real man if he could do this to someone – he robbed you of freedom and spirit and safety and you’ve slowly gotten in back. You are a fox, a soaring eagle, a strong bear, a soft kitten, a funny monkey, a fearless shark, a pouncing tiger, a beautiful lioness…but you are NOT a sheep.
The mind is very tricky when it comes to reactions so I would think it would be tough to put a percent on those that do or don’t react. If your sensei says 98% are sheep, I’ll have to agree until I learn more. I believe that reactions may also change as the circumstance does such as one for anger, one for embarrassment, one for fear, etc. When under attack you may respond one way the first time and entirely different for a second. I also think that the physical way you are when something happens will have a dramatic effect on how you respond. Your sleepy and tired body would react much different that if attacked ½ way into a workout.
As for your story about this abusive relationship, I don’t feel like you’re man bashing nor do I feel like I need to apologize for every man, just like I wouldn’t expect that any woman to be the soul or mouthpiece for all women. I think you need to tell your story for your own sanity and putting your life in order. I read this to validate myself that I approach the gender difference in a completely open and no abusive way. I agree with Dr. J that you and your commenter’s take the right to express their world as how they see it and I don’t feel like a trespasser here.
I ran away when I was 10. I was left when my mouth agape I was 23.
Anyone who lives, who survives, is a fucking fighter in my book. It has taken all of my wits to make it this far, and I’m certain your wits aren’t a bit dull or sheeplike either.
I do think the physical element of the “fight” instinct can be trained; at the same time, I believe that many, many people valiantly persist both mentally and emotionally in the fact of horrors every single day. Does sheer determination factor into your sensei’s worldview? It should!
One of my favorite metaphors is that of the lotus flower. The lotus is a beautiful symbol of serenity, namaste, you name it. And you know what? It grows in the foulest of swamps. The lotus flower is badass!
Yes, you can change. After reading your post I had the overwhelming desire to sit you down with a hot beverage of your choice and have one of those sappy heart to heart talks that I usually hate.
I’ve been there babe. And I was a sheep. I took almost a year of it.
I would never let someone do that to me again. And yes, that fact was tested, years later, when someone threatened me at a party.
And I really don’t believe that people fall so easily into two categories. You are not a sheep. You are someone who has been tried, tested, burned, and has come out the other side. You talked, you refused to be silent, and now you’ve learned how to take the more immediate action of physical self defense.
One of the beauties of martial arts is the “muscle memory” aspect. You train your reactions to the point where it overrides the instinct to freeze up. You don’t think about defending yourself, you just do.
So yeah, I owe you a cup of coffee, tea or Chai. And a good sparring session if your up for it ^_~
-Meg
I’ve never been tested the way you have (having a stalker is different from being attacked), but once, my live-in boyfriend surprised me when I was in the shower and hadn’t expected him home (my reaction was to reach for a bottle of soapy stuff, fortunately I realized it was him before I grabbed it and squirted some in his eyes), I think that I’m a fox.
But that’s not always a good thing: like I said, had that momment of fight or flight been longer, someone I love and care about would have been in a great deal of pain. And it could be that because of my stalker (who is no longer located near me and doesn’t know where I live, although he’s electronically making my life miserable), my subconcious is always in a state of semi-ready-to-fight.
I think sheep or fox are both valid strategies–fight or flight, both can be sensible.
My fear is that I’m a deer–that I’d freeze in panic and neither flee nor fight. At least I have a lot of dreams where I’m paralyzed into inactivity.
Never been tested, thank goodness. It’s so sad that you were.
But to take that experience and turn yourself into a strong, determined fighter? That’s being tested and ultimately triumphing. Doesn’t erase the pain but you should be proud of yourself.
I’m a fox. I’ve proven it in a similar situation, but once it doesn’t work I revert to being a sheep. At some point you learn sometimes its better to be a sheep because whatever is hurting you ends sooner because you don’t fuel the fire. It’s made me passive aggressive when I’m in tough situations, where once I would be straight-up aggressive. (Your posts like this always make me cry. I think I have issues to deal with still)
I don’t think it’s that cut and dry; fox or sheep. Just because you didn’t overpower your attacker doesn’t mean you didn’t fight. Charlotte, if you hadn’t pressed charges, he would have continued to prey on other women. Who knows how many other women you saved by doing what you did? If that isn’t the definition of a warrior, I don’t know what is.
As far as what the male reader said, the sad fact is that men AND women are victims of violent crime (and I sincerely hope he is not one!) Every victim has the right to tell their story. There are good and bad people out there, and gender is not the deciding factor.
I’m sometimes dismayed at the insinuated notion that a strong person fights back yet a weak person sits back and takes whatever trauma/abuse is thrown at them. Our minds and bodies react in various way when faced with trauma – often ways we have no control over. Do I think it’s a good idea to learn to defend oneself? Absolutely. Do I think it’s fair to discount personality/history/biology when thinking about stuff like this? Not really. That thing you didn’t do is what your mind and body thought was best at the time. Don’t discount that.
The fox vs. sheep debate seems to add a layer of blame or would’ve/could’ve/should’ve conversation to an issue that really doesn’t deserve any of that.
The general consensus seems to be that it’s not as cut-and-dried as fox vs. sheep, but I have to admit that I both agree and disagree.
On the one hand, I absolutely do think that people’s natural tendencies are likely inborn – some people are more likely to instinctively fight, and some people are more likely to instinctively flee. I think there’s a lot of truth there.
HOWEVER, I also think that you can train yourself to react the other way. You can train yourself to fight back if your instinct is to flee, and vice versa. Each instinct has a place where it’s most useful.
All that to say that instinctively I’m a fighter. Not because of any sense of self-preservation, but rather because in those moments when I felt helpless, I was possessed by a blind rage. I ceased to care whether I lived or died as long as I hurt the other person as much or more than s/he hurt ME. Sometimes that’s useful. But on the other hand, there are situations where that kind of rage is completely inappropriate. So I had to train myself to keep my temper in check in those circumstances. But it makes sense to me that others might have to train the opposite way.
Does that sort of make sense?
Also, I would second what everyone said about going to court being a form of fighting back. Frankly, I imagine that it would be MUCH harder for me to face an attacker in court in the cold light of day without the protective shield of rage. So I’m truly impressed that you did it.
Oops. Sorry for the double-post. 😛 (Triple now, I guess. *sigh*)
hmmm im not sure. Ive never been in a situation where i have needed to hit someone. i’d like to think i could hold my own if necessary, but i think i would have to be cornered to actually fight. Im a little too indifferent about, well, everything to see myself getting that mad.
but for survival? like if i was being attacked? Id kick some ass.
Kelly Turner
http://www.groundedfitness.com
I would disagree with your sensei. I think that someones “sheepness” depends on the situation. I would not doubt for one instance that you or any other parent would be a ship if their children were in danger.
Also, in my opinion, a better way to look at the sheep/fox idea is from an article I’ve read over and over. It breaks it down into sheep, wolves and sheepdogs. Do a search for the article; it’s great.
That being said, people can change. Training, trauma or motivation can cause it.
Having been in martial arts for 20 years, and teaching for a large portion, I can tell you from experience. People change.
What you did, and what you are doing now takes a lot of courage. EVERYONE questions and second guesses reactions in situations like yours. It’s natural. You survived, fought and won. End of story.
Good luck with the training. Have fun.
Josh
Ahem, by ship, I meant sheep. 🙂
Josh
Er, I need more coffee. I meant to say that I wouldn’t doubt anyone would be sheepdog in protection of their children. I need to stop posting when I need caffeine. Sheesh.
Josh
Most men are good, decent, honorable people who do not harm women. There are some horrible exceptions – and the risk to women from these men is so extreme that there need be no apologies from women when they discuss or write about the situation, or take steps to defend or protect themselves. A man who can’t understand that is part of the problem, to say the least.
Some of the lesson, I believe, has been misunderstood. It is not very useful, I think, to directly relate behaviors with self-identities. A person is not their behavior. We’re not talking about labeling a person a sheep or fox, we’re labeling behaviors as “sheep-like” or “fox-like”. The fact is that studies have been done (and reported crime statistics validate) showing that 98% of the time humans behave passively in the presence of overt violence to themselves or others near them. The study does not go into detail or pass judgement on the reason people are passive and certainly does not suggest that those people are wrong for that reaction. As many have pointed out, sometimes the most prudent course of action is to facilitate a rapid end to the situation through compliance. I would never escalate a confrontation with a mugger to violence (hence raising the stakes to life-threatening) if I believed giving them my wallet would facilitate them walking away peacefully, but that’s just me. So, in many circumstances I would fall into the 98% statistic – that’s neither good or bad and I am neither weak or strong, it just is.
I do not claim to be an expert on human behavior, but I do know that how a person behaves is a combination of decisions made consciously and unconsciously. If you do not make a conscious decision to behave differently, you will exhibit one of several textbook fight or flight responses to stress. Some people explained above “freezing” while others described fierce rage as tendencies they feel they have. These are exactly what I’m talking about. In addition, there is no person who is capable of preventing autonomic physiological reactions to stress, meaning that some symptoms of fight or flight might persist even when you are in conscious control of your behavior (e.g. increased heart rate, adrenalin release, shaky voice, etc.). But, as comments listed above suggest, through self-control and conscious effort those tendencies can be subdued in favor of a more rational response. Martial arts training is designed to give you the ability and confidence to have a behavioral choice in the face of life’s challenges – violent or otherwise. The more practice you get, the more likely and more quickly you can gather your wits and respond with intention and effectiveness.
I agree wholeheartedly with the many comments stating that people can change, but that’s kind of another topic. However, it is easier to change behaviors and open more choices if we avoid associating behaviors (especially one’s we don’t like) with our self-identity. My experience is that whether someone calls themself a sheep or a fox they are inclined to prove themself right.
Thank you all for participating in this learning activity. I am gaining a lot from it and enjoying it as well!
-Sensei Don
Some people are just born with fighting insticts. Perfect example of this… back in my martial arts days a friend and I were at universal studios riding the Jurassic park ride. Out pops a velociraptor. I frooze scared while my brain processed what was going on. He punched the velociraptor.
I beleive that you can overcome the flight mentality and train it to a fight mentality but it is still a trained response as opposed to a natural one. There is nothing wrong with that though.
As for your male reader. I am sure he understands your intentions. It is just a topic that has the ability to make people uncomfortable. It is probably a good thing for you to get it out and for them to be exposed to your story because these things do happen no matter how uncomfortable we are with them. Thats the great thing about a blog. You get to write what YOU want to write and people can choose to read it or not.
The SoG
When you write like this it’s heart wrenching – but the ability to make people feel through writing is a great gift! Thank you for being so real and forthcoming. I fully agree that you DID fight by not just letting the incident go by unpunished, and that took just as much (if not a different sort) of courage.
As for me, I flee. Both when faced with physical violence and unpleasant words. I haven’t been in a situation such as you were, but I’ve been places where things went a little too far in some way or another, and my first instinct is *runrunrun*. I am as non-confrontational as can be. If I can’t flee, I try to fox my way out with pretty words and intimidation. If that doesn’t work and I’m backed into a corner, I explode. I imagine I’d be that way in a physical situation, but you never know.
Very thought provoking…
There have been a lot of great comments, and I agree with most. There are always extremes, some people come out swinging (whether literally or figuratively) the moment they feel the slightest bit threatened. It can be when they are walking alone down a dark ally and someone steps out suddenly near them…or when they think someone is going to cut in front of them at the line at the movie theater. Conversely there are some people who will never react to anything, no matter how provoked they are. But again, the reality is that those are extremes and most of us fall in the middle. No matter our inherent personality traits, people can modify their behaviours and reactions. Their success at this can depend on many different things, part of it being the degree to which a person exibits ‘fox’ tendencies, and the degree to which they exhibit ‘sheep’ tendencies…I for one do not believe most personality traits fall on a bipolar continuum, but that it is possible to be a lot of both or only a little of both. As a PP said, so much of it is situational. What I would like to add to all the wonderful points already made is that a person who adopted such a cut and dry, black or white, framework in relation to how they view themselves and their personalities and more improtantly their abilities, could potentially decide that they are a hopeless case and that it is basically all decided and that it would do no good for them to try to change. I find the thought dismaying that this form of reasoning could potentially lead a person to think it would be no point to learn to build skills such as self-defence. It is more useful for people to view such things not as an either-or, and instead that protecting yourself from harm is a skill like any other, and that it is possible to learn it, but like any skill, some come by it naturally, while others require lots of learning and training…but that it can be learned.
I have a hard time even watching all my favorite crime dramas anymore because all the women do the dumbest things! He’s choking you, so you grab at his face? Is his face choking you? You push on his arms and shoulders, the strongest part of him? His FINGERS are choking you, aim for those! FIGHT don’t beg!!!! I’m teaching a self defense class, for men and women. Men get mugged and assaulted too. Hopefully I can teach them to only be sheep at church. And I still hope that I never have to find out if I’m a tiger or not. I hope I would be, but karate has taught me that when being a sheep will save you, be a sheep. When you need to be a tiger, you’ve been taught to find it hiding in there.
m – "trauma" – rightly said, friend.
Merry – Isn't it unnerving how quickly those old feeling come rushing back. Body memory is real, I believe.
R & TA – thanks for the kind words and support!
Jo – you make several very good points, especially about instinct. I have never heard of RAD but it sounds like something I should investigate further!
eeabee – I'm so sorry that you have to go through this too but it sounds like you are learning a lot from your experience. Let me know what you discover!
Shivers – I think it will be the repetition that will be the key for me. I’d like to think I can overcome my fear.
Dr. J – “fear is the mind-killer”. Very true!
Sagan – way to go girl, fighting those chicks and saving your purse!! Good point about the situation being key.
JavaChick – I’m glad I’m not the only one to whom fighting doesn’t come naturally!
Heather McD – Thanks for the support!
NeverSayDiet – Your comment totally made me smile; thank you:)
Tom – great points about the complexity of emotions and situations. I'm glad you feel comfortable! Nice to have some testosterone to balance out all the estrogen. I'm sure Dr. J, Erick, Lucas & Sensei Don appreciate the company:)
Liz – what a life you have had, girl! I love the analogy of the lotus flower – you should get that tatooed somewhere!
Meg – Aw, I'm for a good sparring session anytime! I'm always looking for another chance to hit somebody;) And the long chat and warm drink is always welcome too!
Tricia – I'm so sorry that you have to deal with a stalker and all the attendant fears. That protracted level of anxiety can be so wearing! Too funny about the shampoo tho!
Crabby – Thanks for the support!
Seabreeze – Aw girl, your comments make me teary too:) You’re awesome!
Azusmom – very well said Alyssa!
sarahbb – I know, I know. But I can’t help but wonder if things would have gone differently if I hadn’t been so passive. You know, hindsight and all that;)
marste – Good point about people’s inborn natures. I haven’t experienced that kind of blinding rage – at least the way you describe it. And hey, you are welcome to comment multiple times as much as you want! You rock!
Kelly – I hope you never have to find out:)
Josh – thanks for the tip on that article! And thanks for the reminder that pretty much all victims second guess themselves. You are right, of course. And no worries about the errors – your message came through just fine!
Anon – thanks for the support!
Sensei Don – I was hoping you’d weigh in on this! I didn’t want to ask you about it during our lesson and turn it into Charlotte’s Therapy Hour so thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. What you said makes a lot more sense now with this context. I really need to work on not associating behaviors with my identity. My therapist will thank you:)
Son of Grok – So what happened when he punched the fake dinosaur??? You can’t leave out the best part of the story! And thanks for your understanding, friend:)
Quix – I’m glad it made you think! I’m all about the thinking:)
Delle – excellent point about self-fulfilling prophecies. I am trying to change the way I think about this!
Emma – why am I not surprised you teach self defense too? You are like Wonder Woman! Wish I lived close enough to take your classes!!
Oh, they stopped the ride and escorted us out the uncermonious way. I learned never to jump from behind a door and scare him or anything either because he always swung before he knew what he was doing. Knocked a friend of ours out that way. Definitely one of those poeple hardwired to fight first… evaluate later. I havent seen him in several years but I have heard that he is a professional fighter now.
The SoG
*big, BIG hug*
It takes so long to forgive one’s response and even one’s body when something like this happens. Unlike a knife attack, the self preserving response to rape often is to “freeze”.
I have a lot of respect for you Charlotte. You are so not alone.
I’ve never found the posts about the attack as anti-male.
I’ve found them to be anti-a-hole perhaps.
But, I’m in a unique situation where I had something happen when I was a kid that I never really understood to be an attack until years later………
Oh, Charlotte, how I wish I could reach through the computer to hug you right now!! You are a beautiful, amazing woman, and I am in awe of your strength. I agree that you DID fight back by agreeing to testify against him. And you are continuing to fight back against the pain he caused by what you are doing now – writing about your experience. You have been blessed with the ability write well, and you are using your gift to bless others’ lives – I have no doubt that your story can bring healing and hope to those who have been similarly abused, and inspiration and education to those who have not. If that can’t be classified as “fighting back”, I don’t know what can!
The male reader that took offense–why did he feel defensive? Because there is some truth to what he perceived, for him? There is way too much rape in this world, and it is certainly a not an issue of men vs women (plus, I know many men that were raped as children). But bravo to Charlotte for speaking out.
No one has the right to get upset or offended about these posts. I've read several now, and you aren't attacking anyone or any category of people. If some guy got offended and saw this as a slam against his gender, then I would like to know why. What has he done that makes him feel guilty enough that this pricked at him? What has he allowed to happen that still disturbs him? He should quit wasting time trying to silence the survivors and do something productive!
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