It’s the part they never show you in the glossy magazine pictures and peppy fitness videos: what happens when gym clothes attack. From small things like wedgies, camel toe, and muffin top, to big things like split pants, nip slips, and moonings to weird things like sweat stains in places people like to pretend they don’t sweat, I’ve seen it all. So heat up a nice mug of schadenfreude because today I’m giving you a rundown of the top 5 worst wardrobe malfunctions in the gym. And you know most of them involve me. Sigh.
[Edited to add: One early commenter on this post was concerned that I and/or my commenters were making fun of individual people for their fashion sense or body type. I hope that that is not the case! In this post I try to keep the emphasis on what bad clothes do to good people. It doesn’t matter what shape you are in or how long you’ve been working out, wardrobe malfunctions happen to the best of us and sometimes the only thing you can do is laugh at yourself:) I hope everyone feels safe here. Feel free to call me out if you think I’m bodysnarking!]
Five: Aerobics Instructor Splits Her Pants… And Keeps on Teaching
A classic example of good gym clothes gone bad, I had an aerobics teacher attacked by her spandex capris. There she was, teaching a great class and singing along to the tunes when she jumped into a deep squat. We couldn’t hear the tear over the music but it became immediately apparent courtesy of the mirrors that line every flat surface in cardio rooms. What was also apparent was that she wasn’t wearing undies. That was bad enough but the real hijinks ensued when we realized that she didn’t seem to realize what had happened. At first I thought perhaps she was just going to finish out the track and then discreetly cross her legs for the rest of the class. But the next song started and she just kept on going, in spite of all the looks and muted giggles from the (thankfully all female) class. I mouthed to Gym Buddy Allison, “Should we tell her?” Allison shook her head as this teacher was not known for appreciating comments from the peanut gallery but changed her mind after the next song when it seemed the tear was widening. Before we got an impromptu class in Stripperobics, we approached her together. I politely pointed out the problem and Allison offered her sweatshirt to tie around her waist.
She waved us away with an impatient, “You girls worry about the silliest things!” And she finished teaching the class.
Four: Turbo Jennie Loses Her Top
I’ve shared this moment before – with her permission – but it was just so classic that it had to make my top 5. Jennie is known for her impeccable taste in workout attire. She always looks cute and put together but not in that I-spent-$700-to-buy-a-perfectly-coordinated-Lululemon-set way but rather I just rolled out of bed and happen to always look this darling. And on this particular day she was wearing a grey halter top that fastened behind her neck with a hook. A hook apparently made by Fredricks of Hollywood. It chose the moment when she was instructing the leg track in BodyPump, complete with weighted bar across her shoulders to disengage. Upon feeling the draft, quick thinking Jennie, turned around – bar and all – so her back was to the class. Which would have helped had she not been flanked by mirrors. Thankfully she was rescued by another instructor and in true fit teacher form didn’t even drop her weights. Strangely attendance in her classes increased 10-fold after the incident;)
Three: Woman Aerobicizes in See Through Pants
There’s a reason those super tight cotton leggings went out in the ’80s. And it’s not just because of the color blocking down the sides or a waistband you can tuck into your armpits. See, the thing is – they’re thin. You wouldn’t think that would be terribly worrisome as long as the wearer kept up on their personal grooming. But then you weren’t staring them down while laying on your back doing abs. The combination of the thin cotton stretched too tightly, bright lighting and no underwear caused the Gym Buddies and I to come face to face with – well, there’s just no polite way to say it – some distinct female anatomy. It was so shocking that I actually did a double take. It was Lindsay Lohan does group fit, minus any cutely placed smiley faces. Nobody needs to see that.
Two: Men in Split Shorts
So far all the victims have been women but men do not escape the wrath of Lycra scorned. Those of you who run in Serious Races (as opposed to the rest of us who “run” in “races”) are well accustomed to seeing men running in side-split shorts. For those of you not so acquainted with this fashion delight, they’re basically running shorts but much shorter and with a slit up each side that goes to the waistband to allow for greater leg movement (see above). For some reason I cannot comprehend they usually don’t come with built-in undies and some men decline to wear any at all. Split shorts are fine and dandy for Serious Racing. They are not appropriate gym attire as demonstrated by not one but several charming older fellows at my gym. Evidence One: riding a stationary bike. Every time his leg went up, so did his shorts, causing Gym Buddy Allison to christen them the Cleavage Shorts. Evidence Two: the lifted quad stretch. This gentleman proceeded to lift his leg behind him in an elegant quad stretch. Sadly, I was right behind him and got to see what is normally the territory of nursing home or hospital staff. My mother, who is a nurse, says that if you’ve seen one set of twig-n-berries you’ve seen them all. I disagree. Ahem.
One: My Photoshoot for First
Last month I did an interview with First Magazine on how to get comfortable enough with your body to feel good working out in a gym (look for me on newsstands in January!) and part of the interview was a photoshoot. My previous experience as a fitness model was super fun and so I was all psyched to do this shoot. I had my own stylist! And makeup artist! And camera man (who giggled like a Teletubby)! And lighting assistant!
They all descended on the Y to transform me into a workout nymph and then photograph me in my natural setting. My first clue that things might not go as I envisoned should have been when they turned me into Sarah Palin in yoga pants. “Hmmm…. Does anyone ever tell you you like Sarah P…” the makeup artist started to ask as she covered up the burn marks on my neck that look like hickies despite being over 6 months old. “Tina Fey?” I interrupted hopefully. “Um, yeah, Tina Fey. You definitely look like Tina Fey.” Because I’m sure Tina Fey works out in Tammy Faye worthy makeup and a bouffant.
My first top was cute: a little blue Danskin number with a built-in bra that actually made me look like I have something on top other than what belongs in a Kleenex box. I held 10-lb weights and preened and curtseyed and looked pensive and otherwise really ticked off all the people on the weight floor who had to walk around my circus to get to the weight rack. (Note: I started out curling 20-pounders as is my usual but then I realized that we weren’t stopping at 3 sets of 8-12 reps. Nope, I ended up bicep curling for a solid half hour straight. While smiling. Which is how I ended up with wussy 10 pound weights. I have new respect for fitness models and their tiny baby weights. I was sore for days.)
The second outfit was where it all went wrong. We were well into hour two by this point and when I went into the bathroom to change, I discovered the second top – a super cute Champion dip dye tank – had no built in bra. I had no bra. The stylist had no bra. (For me. I’m sure she was wearing one. Not that I checked. Anyhow.) So I sucked it up and went commando, hoping it wouldn’t be too obvious. It was terribly obvious. Especially when the flash went off. For the first time in my life I had empathy for Sharon Stone. I blushed and roundhoused with my arms clamped to my chest. The photographer tried to reassure me, “Don’t worry, that’s what Photoshop is for!”
And I might’ve been okay. There I was sitting in a full lotus bathed in golden light and trying my best to look ethereal and not constipated. I was relaxing, it was fun. But then the woman who was there to powder my scalp and smooth out the wrinkles in my shirt and pick the lint off the butt of my pants leaned down and whispered “Sweetie, could you lift those up? They seem to be, uh, falling.” At first I thought she meant my feet. She did not.
I blushed from head to toe and then in true Charlotte fashion exlaimed, “I can’t help it! I’ve had 4 children! AND I BREASTFEED!” The photographer burst out laughing. The assistant almost dropped her light reflector thingy. And the stylist looked as if I had just convinced her to never ever procreate. I couldn’t stop myself. “You think these are bad? You should see my stretch marks!” Then I made them all turn around while I put the girls back where anatomy charts say they are supposed to reside. I’m sure they will remember me always.
So, think of that when you see me in First magazine next month. All I can say is I’d better be photoshopped.
Ha – good post Charlotte. Your blog always makes me laugh out loud. I love it!
Agh! I think I see “junk” in that picture.
I googled the magazine name, and got like 5 different “First”s, can you provide a link please????
Ahhhhhh! That picture! My eyes, my eyes!!!
Twig and berries! That’s awesome. Props on the magazine shoot, that must have been so exciting! Scan em in when you get em maybe, for the benefit of us UK-ers?
I don’t have any gym-based horror stories, but I did go and see a hardcore band where the lead singer was wearing too-small gym shorts and nothing else. Yep, all us girls on the front row got an eyeful. I don’t think he had any idea, either. Probably just wondered why he didn’t score that night…
TA x
I love the wardrobe stories, but whenever you post one I am horrified by the comments. It quickly degenerates into comments about how someone “shouldn’t” have been wearing a certain outfit because she was too fat; too old; too large-breasted; too this or that.
It amazes me that people who are presumably interested in improving their fitness can be so childish, judgmental, and cruel about other people’s appearance. Isn’t that one of the very first rules we learned as children? That it’s not acceptable to make fun of the way people look? It’s even more shocking to me that so many women participate in the insults. I’m sick to death of the way women are subjected to the intense scrutiny and criticism of every single aspect of their appearance; it horrifies me that other women not only accept it but perpetrate it.
I know this isn’t an amusing comment such as many others will be, but I want to make the point that laughing at ourselves for bad wardrobe choices is an entirely different thing from insulting other people about characteristics they have no control over.
Heather McD – That’s what I’m here for:)
Toots – I hope not!! Sorry! And it’s First Magazine for Women. Does that help? I’ll work on a link.
Merry – Sorry! But now you know what to get all your manfriends for Christmas!
TA – I will scan them in when I get them! That is too funny about the show you went to. Poor front row!
Anonymous – I agree completely. I try to never be hurtful here (although sometimes I make mistakes so feel free to call me out on it!). I tried to keep the focus on the bad things the CLOTHING did and show how it really had nothing to do with who was wearing it. I also try never to comment on the weight/race/age/fitness level of the person. But like I said before, if I say anything hurtful please do let me know! Also, my commenters are the smartest kindest people I’ve never met – give ’em a chance, they may surprise you:)
The worst (painful for days!) wardrobe malfunction I ever had, was when I wore a brand new pair of running shorts with a liner like sandpaper, and went on a 10 mile run. Endorphins may be a beautiful thing, but they eventually wear off 🙁
I can see the headlines now, “my cup runneth over”. As for your instructor and her mishap “Eye of the Tiger”.
Hehehe that’s too funny. Where’s the fun without the silliness, right?
Tom- you need to get into the advertising business with those kind of headlines:)
TOTALLY AWESOME! I love this post – too funny! We all have mishaps, and I don’t think this post was in any way judgmental… Can’t wait to see you in the magazine! 🙂
My only wardrobe malfunction lately comes from my newly short hair. I cut 10 inches off to donate to Locks of Love, so I have nothing to put in a ponytail (my husband says my pony tail looks like a lucky rabbit’s foot), but the layers on top make it impossible to pull it all back. There I was running on a busy road looking like and animal had smothered my head because of all the wind…not to mention how much worse it was having sweaty hair stuck to my face. Now I wear a headband. 🙂
I fortunately haven’t had many wardrobe malfunctions (at least, I hope there aren’t any I don’t know about…). I did forget my workout pants one day and ended up teaching step in corduroys, but they were relatively loose so it worked well enough.
I’ve never seen any of the man shorts and the winking and blinking going on underneath, thankfully.
Will NEVER forget when one of my girlfriends said to another male friend, who had just finished a run–in split shorts–and was sitting in a lounge chair while the ladies stretched on the ground: “Uh… put that peach cobbler away,” she said, pointing to his crotch. Still makes me laugh…
Congrats on the photo shoot, how cool!
Since I HATE to bounce while exercising, I wear either 2 bras or a bra and leotard, making inadvertent expercise exposure really unlikely. And I don’t wear shorts tight enough to split. But my sympathies to anyone who’s had these mishaps– to me that’s the stuff of nightmares.
Hilarious, and I eagerly anticipate your pictures, I bet they will be awesome. 🙂
I’m pretty conservative in my gym wear and maybe get the occasional wedgie, but oh, the gymnastics days. I remember ending a floor routine in competition with my leotard so far up my butt it was like a thong, because I didn’t want the deduction for picking my wedgie.
Another super post, Charlotte! Your sense of humor makes the rest of my day great EVERY time.
On the “men in split shorts” scene: I’ll never forget the first time I saw my neighbor mowing his lawn in split shorts. He’s 70 years old (for real). This is in Northern California so he does this year-round. So picture this (or not): old man, split shorts, tube socks, and hiking boots, (oh, and shirtless). It is cringeworthy on a weekly basis.
Holy cow, that’s too funny! (Except the picture – that was just disturbing! LOL)
Like Crabby, I have no mishaps, but hate to bounce. Multiple bras plus shirts with “built-ins.”
Char – If you see me working out with anything you mentioned in your post today, you better tell me ASAP!!!! That’s what Gym Buddies are for!
LOVE the post, you are too funny!
Teaching Pilates on the reformer to a fellow wearing those shorts and no undergarments.
‘Nuff said.
i didn’t know about the photo shoot – how cool! Charlotte famous.
Oh, you just made my crappy day so much better! Thanks for the laughs!
OK, one more thing. I’ve been reading this blog for a while and I have rarely seen a negative comment. And if there IS one, it’s from someone who isn’t a regular poster here. This site is supportive and wonderful, and all of us here look forward to it every day.
Just had to throw my 2 cents in.
Oh, how exciting! Can’t wait to pick up the magazine (if I can find it – I don’t know it right off, and selection where I live can be pretty limited).
It’s not a gym story, but I have to share. One year, on my husband’s birthday, I got up with our two daughters (his and mine, we didn’t have our sons yet), made breakfast, decorated, and stuff. Then we got him out of bed to open gifts. He was still in just a tank top and boxers. I took pictures of him opening presents, having cake, and didn’t notice anything weird. Then, when I got the pictures developed (before digital cameras were ubiquitous), I noticed … a wardrobe malfunction in several pics. OMG! Thankfully, whoever developed the pictures didn’t seem to notice, because considering there were kids in some of the pictures (presenting gifts and such), there could have been serious issus.
He’s been much more careful with what he sleeps in since then, too. And we’re more watchful when taking pictures.
And I just went to the website, and yes, I see that magazine all the time. I’ve even bought it before. I just didn’t remember the title.
So funny! You made me laugh out loud today- but for reals. I can’t wait to see your article.
hehe , You can see things in the dark places of the picture.
Love it !
Thankfully–knocking on wood here–I’ve been fortunate enough not to suffer any wardrobe malfunctions of my own. The Hubster, however, split his boxers right up the front during our first Turbo Kick class. At least was wearing them, though, right? Can’t wait to see you in First!
It is homophobic when people say men can’t wear split shorts, or that they should be openly criticized for it. whether the man is gay or straight, to make him uncomfortable for wearing something that will be attractive to gay men is superficial and hateful. So I am calling you out on it as your blog told me to do, because I find this prejudice particularly offensive. i guess the rest could be funny if i were willing to read it.
I use to wear shorts like these in the 80’s until about the mid 90’s while running. A lot of us wore them. The girls also had a similar running short on the track team. The shorts had inners in them; although, because of the split side, there were times I would need to adjust the shorts. That was anoying. Later on, short spandex tights were required at the gym underneath the shorts.
Since it was brought up in your discussion; that some shorts don’t have a liner or built in brief. That is true. I have known people removing them for comfort. Wearing the shorts without or with some type of undergarment. I have gone without one time during a long tropical humid 50K cross country race wearing the split style short. I have to agree. Wearing split running shorts to the gym is not really good idea.