The heaviest wedding dress in the world: 30 layers of material and 30,000 Swarovski crystals, it weighed an astonishing 25 stone (355 pounds).Call it Bride Wars, take two: Today, a friend S came over to my house so I could try on a gorgeous wedding dress she made. No, I have no personal announcements. (Well okay, I do have one – as those of you who read Facebook know, I’m currently eating edamame which I love but gives me terrible gas. Gym Buddies, consider yourself warned.) S’s sister, a gorgeous Vegas showgirl, is getting married and since she lives so far away, S is fitting the gown to me.
First let me just delight in the fact that I have similar proportions to a Vegas showgirl.
Actually, not quite. In addition to a heavily padded bra (girlfriend’s got a solid two inches of boobage on me), there was one other teeeeny spot the dress didn’t fit. No, it wasn’t the predictable spots like the waist, hips or shoulders – that was all kosher. It was my arms. My beefy biceps to be precise. I have 13-inch guns (that I kiss every morning thankyouverymuch) thanks to curling 20 pound ‘bells. Not that I’m bragging. Okay, I totally am.
Normally my arms are one of my favorite things about my body. They’ve got awesome definition and I love showing them off in tank tops. Well I did until I got the world’s hugest, nastiest CYST on my left shoulder. I’m like a unicorn. From Chernobyl. My point is I’m in t-shirts for the foreseeable future. But that’s another post for another day. (Seriously, it is soooo gross. I want to post pics but I haven’t found anyone that will take one for me yet….) But today, all that arm-love dropped away in a pile of white satin.
“So, um, how big did you say your sister’s arms are?” I asked S as she adjusted the skirt.
“11 inches.”
“But doesn’t she have to hang from ropes and stuff?” S’s sister was in the Masquerade Show in the Sky doing an aerial act for a year so you know she’s got to have some serious upper body strength.
“Oh yes, but she doesn’t lift weights.”
“At all?” I was incredulous. I’ve seen video of S’s sister in action (not that kind of action people – not all Vegas showgirls body double for Elizabeth Berkley) and she is graceful and elegant but also very strong.
“She won’t even lift 5-lb weights with me when I do ‘The Firm’ because she is too afraid of bulking up. Her job relies entirely on how she looks and they aren’t shy about telling her if something looks too big.”
I considered for a moment what it would be like to have my job rely entirely around my body. “How does she have any self-esteem left intact? That would kill me.” Truly, I would be so depressed if I got picked apart every time I went to “work.” Although now that I think about it, that may be the #1 perk of being an SAT grader. I could work in a clown costume for all they care. I probably shouldn’t say this but between essays I pluck my eyebrows, paint my toenails and pick dead skin off my heels while I sit in fuzzy pajamas and knee socks. As the high school kids say, that’s hawt.
“She doesn’t have much,” S sighed. “Plus she knows she can’t do it much longer. She’s trying to get into the business side of things.” Did I mention S’s sister is only 26? Imagine being nearly washed up in your twenties.
If that wasn’t enough to make you kiss your boss and hug your nearest HR person who decreed that Casual Friday means jean shirts as well as jean pants too, then check out this little nugget from the weekly rags:
Poor Nicole Richie. All I have to say is if that’s a baby bump then apparently she’s birthing a toy poodle. Can a girl not wear a bikini in public without circles and arrows being involved? Remember when she was 90% hip bones and ribs? Who wants to see that again? She’s still just the special sauce shy of becoming a McRiblet so the last thing we should be doing is encouraging her to lose weight.
Like I said, I’m so glad I’m not a celebrity. I’m totally breaking out Hans and Frans (ette) and taking them to the gun show. Well, as soon as I get rid of this cyst, that is.
What about you guys? I know Azusmom has had experience with this! Anybody ever stop loving something about themselves because of a piece of clothing? Anyone else sick of the ridiculous “bump watches”??
Bumper Alert??? Most of us would kill to have a stomach that flat and they’re trying to tell us she’s pregnant. Probably just drank a Diet Coke. Good grief, our society is getting so ridiculous it’s scary.
Love my guns too Charlotte!
I can’t believe that picture of Nicole Ritchie. Bump? WHERE?!?! That’s crazy!
You’ve got awesome guns, Charlotte. I might…but right now they’re buried under a few layers of flab.
I think being in show-biz would be tough…with everyone watching your every move and how you look.
Was it weird trying on a wedding dress? 😉
You are so lucky. I hate my arms! I was so relieved when 3/4 length sleeves came into fashion! Even when I had bone-thin arms, I hated them! After being on accutane I have permanent dry patches on my arms. NOTHING gets rid of them, and I have been to several dermatologists. Yuck. So, I am jealous.
I used to be proud of my hair, but it going through a weird greasy stage. Gross. Now you know way too much about me.
I think Nicole looks fabulous! These magazines editors should be shot. No wonder we have a generation of girls feeling inadequate and falling prey to eating disorders.
Im an enigma 🙂 I loathe the bump alerts when the star has OBVIOUSLY just eat a tic tac or had a glass of water — but I adore the trashy mags when I do my cardio.
I just roll my eyes and laugh.
except for when I dont.
You know what, this post has made me wonder whether I should STOP stressing about getting my body to perfect celebrity proportions and just EMBRACE that fact that my career doesn’t rely on it….
TA x
I’m going to be laughing about Mizfit’s tic tac reference all day! And it’s so true!! If I drink a sip of water my belly pokes out…so if I were in Hollywood I would be permanently pregnant – so glad that I’m not (in Hollywood that is)! I do have to admit to hating my waist-less body when I try to wear something high-waisted. I just have no curves in that area and I end up being uncomfortable all day. And I don’t like those pants that are low-waisted either because your butt falls out if you bend ever-so-slightly at the waist. *SIGH*
If that’s a baby bump, then the vast majority of women are pregnant right now! Shame on those magazine editors! I’ve always had a bit of a “pooch”, and it’s taken my years to actually even get close to accepting it, even after working out like crazy to try to get rid of it.
And, wow, do those tic-tacs do a number on you or what?
Baby Bump…are you freaking kidding me…where? This is the reason I stopped purchasing Hollywood trashy mags (but don’t think I don’t pick through the freebies at the gym!). I hate the way they critique stars’ bodies…or maybe I just hate that I love reading about the latest Hollywood diet craze and baby bumps. I’m a sucker for that stuff!
Your arms are amazing. Cist or not, I’d life in tank tops if I were you! My arms aren’t quite there yet, but they have gotten more muscular due to added strength training and yoga. I’m loving them more and more everyday.
PS – Edamame causes me distress too…but I love it so.
Ugh. Bump my arse. (OK, that has two big bumps.)
I still look at pictures of my younger self and sigh that I never appreciated how tiny I was. I always felt I had a chubby belly (just didn’t have a terribly firm one but it was flat). Now after 2 babies and yo-yo dieting I would love to have that old tummy back. I’d be wearing bikinis all the time in that old body. Stupid younger me.
Anyway, this is why I love to read glossedover.com–great sarcastic critiques of women’s magazines. 🙂
As a personal trainer, part of my job does rely on how I look (which isn’t that hard, as I just have to look healthy thanks to wearing yoga pants and long sleeves right now), and it does bother me, because some of the guy trainers have beer guts and can’t even do a pull-up (they excuse that by saying that they’re heavier than me. The fact that I’m a girl doesn’t matter).
But that’s just all the more incentive to get my Ph. D that much faster.
Oh my gosh! I can’t believe that headline is for real! That is crazy!
What bump!? Am with Alix, I’d kill for a stomach that flat!
GRRR.
Also having a wedding dress like that first photo would make me so sad. You wanna be able to dance in your wedding dress! I don’t know if I’d be able to move in that thing…
Anyway, hurray for celebrating how strong we are:)
The only thing I can assume with that Nicole Ritchie picture is that it must have been a very slow “news” day in the gossip world. They have to run something, and this is the only thing they had. (Perhaps they’d already run too many stories on the Elvis Space Alien Diet?)
– Dave
Amen to the call for the end of ridiculous tabloid garbage! It’s amazing that anytime a celebrity (or even pseudo-celebrities, if you count how much ink is wasted on reality stars and the cast of The Hills) is photographed turning their waist and it may create a bump-looking form in their tummy region, they’re automatically pregnant!
What also creeps me out about the tabloid mags is the very thin line between journalism and stalking. I feel creepy just seeing those magazines in the grocery check-out lines, because you know those photos were taken without their permission and they are usually taken during times that those who are being photographed think are their private moments in their lives. I’m especially creeped out when their is the rush to be the first to get photos of a newborn child or any other photographs of the children of celebrities.
Where does this kind of journalism cross the line from being protected by free speech and free press to being stalking and abusive? Also, is there truly a demand for this kind of filth journalism, or have we just grown accustom to it simply because we’ve been forced-fed it too long?
Related thought: What do you think of the excessive coverage of Obama’s little girls going to their first day at the new school? I thought it was a bit sick how they focused on every little move of those girls. Is it appropriate to stalk little girls because they are the President’s daughters?
No way would I want the life where every inch of fat was scrutinized. There are certain foods (grapes – why grapes) that make me bloat up like I’m 6 months pregnant – if people were speculating on my bumps I’d have about 30 kids by now. I do read Perez Hilton religiously though – no TV, so it’s my big entertaniment.
And that wedding dress – crazy. My dress for my 2nd wedding was actually a prom dress, but it was perfect for what was supposed to be a beach wedding (until it was cold and windy that day).
And I admire the biceps. Working towards growing mine myself!
Oh, and would you please post a picture of that cyst? I’m a sucker for gross stuff (and stupid celebrity gossip) – this blog has everything!! 🙂
I recently got in touch with an old gymnastics teammate via facebook who kept up with it through college and ended up doing cirque shows. She actually commented on one of her old gymnastics photos that she thought she looked chunky then (she wasn’t one of the ridiculously thin girls, but still) – so I think that’s pretty much right on.
And I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I have shoulders and arms like a linebacker. I love what they can do, and in normal clothing, I love the way they look, but if you put me in those dainty lace/silk girly shirts with pretty sleeves I look ridiculous. The fiance’s mom always tries to get me to try those on when we go shopping and it never ends well.
“The Elvis Space-Alien Diet!” LOVE that!
I won’t go into all my experiences in show biz (again!), but I did have a bit of an A-HA moment yesterday. I told my boss (who is also a friend) that I’m trying to get rid of the 20 pounds that found me since we moved here from L.A. And it was really freeing! It got me thinking about how much I let the crazy, skinnier-is-better mindset of my former profession get to me. I felt worthless. I felt I didn’t DESERVE to work, or even have an agent, because of how I looked. I became obsessed with it. It didn’t matter that I had the training, talent, and experience. All that mattered, even to myself, was how I looked. Sometimes, it mattered MORE to me than the people I was working with. (When I did theater, which was most of the time, no one gave a rat’s patootie about my less-than-flat abs.)
And Let me just say AMEN to ted C. Williams’ post! Freedom of the press doesn’t mean freedom to stalk.
And Charlotte; you’re arms are AWESOME!!!!!
I don’t follow celebrity gossip rags, but my old roommate did (religiously). I made the decision when I was disordered and trying to get better to not add insult to injury by looking at that kind of criticism. The voices in my head are loud enough.
Actually, I’m good lately. The BF and my GFs have been great about supporting my positive life changes and not commenting on my weight or eating. I couldn’t work in an industry that was based on my BMI 99% of the time.
I’m going to make that baby bump my new goal. LOL
count me in as sick of the “bump watches” and i don’t really even read gossip mags! (unless they’re lying around the gym. plus i scan the covers at the grocery store.)
and stuff like that is one reason i’ve never wanted to go into tv. i’m a (broadcast) journalism major, but have ALWAYS wanted to do radio. never tv, and part of that i’m sure is the emphasis on image. screw that.
also, brandon and i did that shape workout. it kicked our butts. hardcore. he at one point said that he couldn’t believe he was struggling through some workout from shape.
me? i’m doing it again on friday.
I’m just gonna comment about the cyst. i had one on my stomach once–back in the days I wore a belly ring. It was so big and with me so long I named it Shirley. I even have a scar (which has moved a few inches away from my belly since so many pregnancies). Hope you can flaunt those guns soon!
Don’t you have a tripod or something so that you can put your camera on a timer to take a picture of your cyst?
Sheesh. What are gym buddies (or husbands) even good for if they won’t take a picture of your cyst?
Ugh. I understand that celebrities sign up for some invasion of privacy as it’s kit-and-caboodle with the whole “famous” thing – but when did it become okay for us to pick apart every single aspect of their bodies? And why are we so obsessed with the “baby bump!!!” thing? I think every celebrity walking out of lunch has had that one thrown at them recently. But really, can’t we talk about something else – like their careers? Or is that too hard because then we’d realize that a lot of these “celebs” don’t really have one…
Haha…I teach first grade in a high poverty school where, let’s just say, the population’s mother’s are ALWAYS pregnant. I can wear a fitted shirt and the kids are all like, “Are you having a baby?” All the time. It’s really depressing because I like to think I’m reasonably fit. That’s kids for ya.
I’d leave a comment, but you just reminded me that you grade SAT essays. Since I never took those (too afearded ter even try, thanky much for community college), I will desist from commenting and hold on to the dream that I am smarter than I actually am.
signing off, bumpy belly girl
You know, I honestly had no idea that women would be told their arms are too big because they’re MUSCULAR. Wow. I’ve never measured my biceps, but I know they’re bigger than they used to be…and I’m SO PROUD of that.
Ugh, I am SO TIRED of “bump watch” pictures splattered all over the gossip mags. What especially annoys me is when it’s a pic of a celebrity that just recently HAD a baby! DUH!! As any real-life mommy can attest, we ALL have a “bump” after giving birth! And I’m someone who pooches out after eating too, and not just after a big meal. Been that way since I was a teenager, so it’s not a post baby thing. Hate that. 🙁