Yeah, I look all innocent here, punching BOB.It is an oft-repeated axiom that opposites attract. This is not true. At least not when it comes to people. Rather, as any social psychologist will tell you, like attracts like. I know that many people will protest “but my significant other is my exact opposite!” This is almost certainly false, else how would you have met in the first place? Most of us have quite a lot in common with those we love which is probably why the differences stand out so starkly in our minds.
This truism has positive applications. My husband, for instance, is a great lover of books and one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. I like to think that shine reflects on me as well. But there is also a darker side, one I was confronted with during my last Karate lesson. (Side note: why is it that Karate always seems to bring out my character flaws? None of my other workouts do this to me. And no that question is not rhetorical.)
Due to a strange confluence of events involving one classmate pinned down by hostile fire in a government-sponsored mock terrorist attack (she leads an interesting life), another blithely enjoying a Missy Higgins (LOVE her!) concert and a third pleading pregnancy (like that’s an excuse), Karate ended up being just Sensei Don, the Senior Student (who has a title – “Sempei”, I believe), and myself. You’d think they’d take it easy on me but no. We did some warm up drills and then went right to my favorite rounds of two-minute punching intervals with the pads.
The lesson of the evening was elbow strikes. As per my usual, I couldn’t get my form right at first and spent the first couple of rounds growling at myself in frustration but once they tweaked my stance and angle, I managed to hit with some power. It made me laugh. And not in a girly hee hee, look at me hit something way but closer to a muwhahahah maniacal laugh that just bubbled out. I couldn’t help myself. Sempei Bill was taken aback. “Wow, you, um, really like that!”
He had no idea. I didn’t just like it. I loved it. It was like the time I went crazy with the punches and split my knuckles open. I didn’t even see the blood; all I could think about was how to hit harder and faster. Nothing felt as good as the thwack of my elbow connecting with the pad. So here’s where it got scary: part of the allure was that it was an actual person holding the pad. I imagined I was hitting them. Even now, I’m embarrassed writing that and feel like I owe them an apology. (Sorry, guys!)
See that crazy glint in my eye?? Be afraid. (Also, see how red my knuckles are? Ouch.)After the drills got us nice and sweat soaked, we moved on to middle blocks and punches, taking turns on each other – no pads involved. At first when I punched, Sensei Don moved in front of my hand. See, he had to because I wasn’t aiming for him. I was punching rather randomly at the air in his general vicinity. I thought I was being respectful – I mean social convention says it is not nice to hit people, even if they do walk in front of your fist. He corrected me, saying that it is actually quite disrespectful to not throw a real punch when instructed to do so by your teacher. That I was, in essence, calling him weak. So he told me to try again saying, “One of the hardest things with beginning karate students is to get them to throw a punch. But someday you’re going to really want to bring Bill or I down.”
Someday? Try today. I had never before considered that that was a viable possibility but now the thought of actually hitting (or throwing!) someone hard enough to take them down made me vibrate with excitement. For a brief moment I was overcome with an urge to hit him as hard as I could, to see blood, to cause pain. It played perfectly in my mind’s eye and I was shocked at the thrill it gave me, rather like that scene in the first Lord of the Rings book where Galadriel goes all Evil Psycho Elf Princess when tempted by the ring (oh yes I am that nerdy! And also, now I know what I’m going to write on my next t-shirt). I scared myself with how much I wanted to do it. Even in spite of the fact that (3rd degree blackbelt) Sensei Don would have me eating carpet before I made my first move. Even in spite of the fact that I have no idea how to begin “taking someone down.” Even in spite of the fact that Sensei Don has never been anything but kind to me and killing Gym Buddy Megan’s husband might make the gym a wee bit awkward. And even in spite of the fact that I’m a nice girl.
It is that last thought that was most upsetting to me. You see, the Very Bad Boyfried used to love to cause me pain. Physical, emotional – either was good, both were preferable. He enjoyed setting it up, inflicting it and then watching me (and others) suffer. It was the fundamental dynamic in our relationship and continued on over time and distance through the court case. I still remember the shock I felt when I finally realized that all the pain and humiliation were not mere byproducts of him living his life and me being in the way, but rather calculated attacks. Why would anyone do that?
For a long time I chalked it up to an innate sadistic nature. True sadists exist, albeit rarely. But what if G. was not a sadist? What if I demonized him in order to sanctify my victimhood, an effort to make the blacks blacker and the whites whiter? I do like my worldviews clear cut. And what if – and this thought frightens me more than I will admit out loud – we are more alike than I previously thought? Was that what it was like for him when he held me down and choked me until I saw shooting stars, both of us knowing that help and friends were a mere 10 feet away and yet I could not and he would not make a sound? Did he get that same hot rush? Did his hands tremble with excitement like mine had? Did he picture my blood and tears perfectly in his mind’s eye? Did he laugh?
And, most importantly, does that mean that I harbor the same impulse to harm? If you want to play a fun party game, think of the things that annoy you most about people. Chances are those things are your personal weakness as well. You hate them because you are them. I am deeply afraid of cultivating that instinct to hurt in myself. I am afraid of Karate if it brings that out in me. Some of you may say that this is just my body’s way of learning how stay safe. That I’ve been violated so it only makes sense that I would feel a need to defend myself.
To which I would reply, with shame, that it was not about the defense. As I stood in my bathroom later that night after my Karate lesson was long done and everyone was safely in their beds, examing the bruises on my arms from wrist to elbow that were already beginning to swell and purple, I knew what it was. It was aggression.
I am my own worst nightmare.
I’m not exactly sure what I hope to gain by telling you this. I can’t hardly expect people to chime in with “Oh no, Charlotte! You’re totally normal, I dream about killing random people all the time!” Even if you do. And most of you are too kind to say, “Might be time to talk to that doctor about some more happy pills, sweetie.” At best I suppose this might give me more personal space in TurboKick. Except that it really bothers me that I feel this way. How do I make it stop?
I’m glad to see you are continuing your karate training. Karate is a “way,” as in a pathway. I have learned a lot about myself while on this path of the empty hand.
That’s why I think we need to have social structures that encourage the best in us and discourage the worst (for example, child molesters are shunned in our society–including by their own friends and family–and hopefully that will one day be true for rapists. People shouldn’t profit financially or otherwise from taking advantage of people, etc).
That was a message that I got from Lord of the Rings–power corrupts. There is good and bad in everyone. Yes, we have a choice, but on a societal level we need to reward the good and punish the bad if we want to limit societal problems.
I think it’s brave of you to face this part of you instead of pretending it doesn’t exist. If you look it in the eye, you can choose to control IT (whatever IT is–the urge to hurt another?) instead of IT controlling you. IT can never catch you off guard and come up because you know all about IT.
This actually brings up my most shameful memory. Basically, I was a kid and hurt my little sister; the sick part was that I was incredibly satisfied by the sound when she got hurt. She wasn’t seriously injured, but the feeling I had was pure evil. Never again.
–Anna
I don’t know that it DOES go away, Charlotte. But you can channel it. Honestly, one of the things I like most about Tae Kwon Do is the kicking and the punching; the idea that I’m capable of inflicting damage (even though, like you, I’m a relative beginner and not likely to damage anyone but myself).
And this part is totally rhetorical, but have you considered that the sort of aggression you’re experiencing might actually be a form of rage? I read somewhere that depression is anger turned inward, and I know that was true for me. When I had an outlet for the anger, when I could punch and kick and scream when I did it, I felt WAY less depressed.
So I’m not sure it’s a bad feeling. It’s just a matter of using it appropriately. Karate class: appropriate. The little old lady counting out $30 in pennies at the grocery store: inappropriate. 😉
And . . . this will sound twisted, but remember that fight or flight post you did a while back? And I responded that in those situations, I am overcome by a blinding, all-consuming rage? I think it might be the same thing, or at least really similar. Imagine what you would do in a frightening situation if you knew WHAT you could DO. Know what I mean? (By the way, that would be an APPROPRIATE moment to use that aggression. In case you weren’t sure. ;D)
I think the desire to inflict pain on someone in a controlled setting such as karate class is a tad different than calculating ways to hurt people we are supposed to care about.
Karate is probably a safe place to explore and work through the kinds of feeling you’re having.
(I’m not a doctor though, just a know-it-all)
I think men are better acquainted with the all-too-human aggressive impulses, and we women are shocked to discover we have it too.
The normal way to handle it is to pretend it’s shocking and unnatural… then watch movies or tv or sporting events and let athletes or fictional characters play out our unacceptable aggression for us. We experience vicarious satisfaction when the bad guy gets his head blown off in the movies, or when the quarterback on the “other” team gets sacked by a bunch of 400 pound linebackers.
Congrats, you’re human! You just happen to be more introspective and conscious and honest than most of us.
I think particularly with your personal history of being attacked, that it would be natural for a certain amount of anger and aggression to surface in combat-like situations. I frankly think that’s healthy, as long as you don’t start karate-chopping random strangers on the street.
Thanks for the honest and insightful post!
I need to make time for this as I think Id love the idea I *could* protect myself and inflict pain if the situation arose & the discipline of knowing not to use that power unless absolutely necessary.
When Maya Angelou spoke to my graduating class, she said something that stuck with me: that, instead of calling the worst human in the world a monster, we need to admit that he/she is a person, and as a result of the fact that we are all people, we have to admit to ourselves that we have within us the same things that the horrible person did.
We have to say to ourselves “I could do that”, about the worst of humanity if we are to say that about the best of humanity.
Could this possibly be payback for what happened to you? This is your way of learning physical aggression since you were just a receiver before. I think I remember that you had regret that you felt that there was nothing you did at the time of the abuse.
You of course took care of it in the court system, but is this now the hard ass part screaming to come out?
As for the bond, I think there’s a great difference between “G” and you. I don’t think you would inflict pain on another human that did nothing to you, simply for pleasure.
Think how many people live their lives either completely ignorant of the beast within, or hopelessly enslaved to it. The karateka knows the beast, but does not serve it. To train in karate is to hunt the beast relentlessly, ruthlessly–until one day it dies the final death and the human spirit is reborn in a new mold.
I want to come out in favor getting in touch with your inner Evil Psycho Elf Princess with that famous Marianne Williamson quote:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
While there is the whole identifying-with-the-abuser problem, which is real and something to be very wary of, it is possible to make an unfamiliar taste of power our own and not a reflection of what someone else has done to us. I think Marste was on the money about rage. I think when we work through that, we can give back the ring and not be afraid of it. We have more than permission to be strong.
I am an aggressive person. I channel much of it into aggressive sports (tackle football and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu) or into pushing myself to exhaustion during training. I’m aggressive in the workplace, and often have to bite my tongue. I hate the fact that this is so socially unacceptable in a woman, and I do temper myself in a LOT of social settings because of how unacceptable it is.
But I embrace being aggressive. I’ve never attacked someone, but I’ve stepped into fights instigated by my (alcoholic) ex. And I’ve had multiple fantasies about what I would do if I ever saw him again (less now, but it’s been 8 years). I think that “thinking” is very far removed from “doing”.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with anything that you described. I think that you feel ashamed or uncomfortable because of social constructs.
this post made me swing from laughing to incredibly sad to proud. You went through something awful but have come out on the other side. You prob like karate (and the other vigorous, punch-filled workouts you excel at) b/c they allow you to show your strength, release energy and frustration and feel in control. Which, I don’t need to remind you but wil anyways – you ARE!
Just gonna chime in and agree with everyone else here. And Tom said it perfectly: there’s a HUGE difference between aggression against an attacker and aggression against someone you perceive to be “weaker” and can therefore easily dominate. (ESPECIALLY if that person is someone you claim to love.) The latter is what predators do. They actively seek out people they think will be able to dominate.
You have found a healthy, effective outlet for your aggression and anger, which, yes, we ALL have.
I truly believe that that rage, especially for women, comes from a place of vulnerability. Especially if we have ever been in a situation where we were unable to fight back. Some primal part of us screams “Never again!” and our inner Sheena Warrior Princess comes out. I think this is a GOOD thing!
Dr. J put it well; karate seems to be as much (if not more) of a mental workout than a physical one.
It’s true that we tend to dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves. But that is advantageous, in a way, because it enables you to recognize your own personal weaknesses and know yourself and work to improve the things you dislike.
And honestly, I think it is a part of being human. We need to know what we’re capable of.
Whoa! Stop a minute. Just because you get excited by the idea of causing pain or damage to somebody doesn’t mean that you’re sadistic or weird or abnormal.
No, really. Read that again.
We *all* have the urge, now and again, to punch somebody really hard. As Marste, Allie, and Crabby have already pointed out, it’s a normal human thing to become aggressive and occasionally violent. That doesn’t mean you’re going to do it outside the confines of karate class, or that you were somehow complicit in the abuse you dealt with from your boyfriend.
There’s a difference between normal human and abuser, and you’ve found it. Normal people stop punching when they leave class. Abusers have just started.
I, too, really dig punching the everloving hell out of a bag. (I can’t do pad-punches with my trainer any more because I’m so much stronger and heavier than she is, I’d hurt her.) And sometimes, when I’m alternating kicks and punches and getting really into a rhythm, my adrenaline kicks in and I start having violent fantasies.
It’s okay. It’s *okay*. It’s your lizard brain speaking up, trying to overcome two thousand years of civilization and being told aggression is unnatural in women.
Think of it like this: You’ve got a dragon inside of you, just like we all do. Karate is waking that dragon up. She’s the part of you that would kill to protect your children, and that wants to protect *you* from people like your ex-boyfriend.
The discipline of Karate will help you, not *tame* your dragon, but integrate her into your soul in such a way that her fire is there, but only comes out in appropriate ways.
You took out the reference to Galadriel being a Noldorin Elf Princess, no more help from me on Lord of the Rings or any other topic!
My daughter deals with OCD, which can manifest itself in a fear or obsession with the possibility of harming someone. CBT is very helpful in dealing with both the obsessions and, for some, the compulsions that result from OCD. If you find that your fears begin to interfere with your quality of life (not that this is necessarily your problem), find a therapist that treats this disorder and not just an ordinary psychologist (who rarely know much about treating this).
When I first started meditating, I became acutely aware of how many violent, judgmental, and otherwise horrible thoughts I had, frequently.
My first reaction was, I thought meditation was supposed to make you peaceful and serene.
But then I realized that meditation makes you more mindful, and that those thoughts had always been with me.
And now, I’m often aware of what I’ll call my “crazy voice”, while having interactions with others. And, since I’m aware of it, I’ve become a much more loving person. Because, I don’t have to believe the voice, or do what the voice suggests.
And, having talked to others about this, I’m convinced that everyone has a “crazy voice”. What makes a person truly crazy is believing that voice and following it’s directives. And consciousness won’t allow you to do that.
Whew, that was a long one!
Over and out.
PS. Sounds like karate is a form of active meditation for you.
I think you’ve got some repressed anger going on. And that is a normal, although not desirable condition.
Wanting to hurt someone else is, I think, wanting to have power over them. And when you’re wanting to hurt someone without reason, like your sensei or sempei, then it’s probably misdirected. You really want power over someone who’s not there (maybe G), or power over your own life.
So I don’t think you’re evil or abnormal in any way, just dealing with some difficult emotions. Continuing your karate might be an excellent way to express the anger and “get over it” in a safe place with people who support you.
-Mayya, Junior Psychiatrist
I am a very docile person, however, my involuntary response to someone tickling me is to punch or kick. I’m super ticklish and I hate it – but violence is my first response there. I had to quell those responses over the last 10 years because yelling or punching freaks my fiance out, normally.
My friends and I used to do they “hey, punch me on the arm as hard as you can” game. It was both sort of fun taking and giving the punch. It just feels…good. It’s just not something that people usually talk about.
And I would think that if no one was supposed to feel that way, there would be no people doing karate or wrestling or boxing or…whatever. If it wasn’t fun, who would do it? Only you know what was really going on in your head, but maybe it was more of the urge to be stronger or to conquer, rather than harm. And we ALL have that. At least I do and I don’t think I’m alone.
I think you’ll be ok, as long as you don’t start randomly beating people up on the street… 🙂
Yeah, what they said.
I feel envious that you have a punching outlet. I have no right fist any more, at least not til I get through hand therapy, so I can’t punch anything. Well, I have a left hand, but I don’t punch very well left-handed.
And I doubt that you’d feel such an aggression rush if you weren’t in a controlled environment.
Girl – work it! Everyone has frustrations to release, so glad you found an outlet for yours. You’re not crazy or sadistic or any of the above. It’s perfectly human to wonder what we’re capable of…and to desire the chance to prove it to ourselves.
I heart this post. I can understand where you are coming from. If you channel those fears, “weaknesses”, anger, and emotion it can lead to some crazy strength gains. Good for you for being so honest.
Charlotte, I love punching things.
Martial arts has always been a healthy way for me to get out the rage. I just assume everyone has it to some degree. I feel calm, relaxed, released, even clean when I get out a healthy amount of aggression. It’s not even something working out gets out of me – it’s fighting (or defending, as the case may be)
I don’t wholly agree with the mirroring of the ex. I’d be more inclined to go with the sadist theory…or at least VERY troubled.
I think the last two paragraphs of Jo’s comment were right on.
(and love the Lord of the Rings reference.)
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