For the record, I consider Alice in Wonderland a memoir.Oh, ohm already. This concludes February’s Great Mediation Experiment and despite the placid front, it’s been a doozie. It ended in a good place with me discovering that meditation is a far more powerful tool than I previously ever gave it credit for. It helped me find a place of peace in myself that I didn’t even know existed. But before I can begin to tell you about the finding, I must first tell you about the losing. Allow me to back up.
I am not a peaceful person.
I have been many things: Energetic, morose. Friendly, moody. Gregarious, overly sensitive. Dramatic, empathetic. But never peaceful. As my father put it, I’m a thrasher. It took me 25 years to figure out that not everyone walks around feeling like their skin is on wrong ways out. But as is often the case, that which we lack is what we need the most.
And so I have sought peace – and found it with varying degrees of success – in many different places over the years. In high school I was a mess. I don’t know that anyone who knew me in high school reads this blog with any regularity (if you’re out there, feel free to shout it out in the comments!) but it’s true. I was the class Valedictorian. But with ulcers and an eating disorder and, of all things, an illiterate boyfriend. One of the most common things people said to me then was, “Just when I think I get to know you, I realize I don’t know anything about you at all.” Which is because I didn’t know anything about me. There was no peace for me in high school.
In college, I found a measure of peace in cognitive behavioral therapy and volunteering in the campus crisis center and dancing and a troupe of friends who managed to be both hilariously insane and functional. And then the Very Bad Boyfriend arrived to steal my fledgling sense of self and left me dashed on the rocks of my own self-doubt. Graduate school gave my manic energy an outlet but revived the ulcers and, unsupervised, took the eating disorder to a whole new level. This is also the time in my life where I first started having horrible panic attacks, later “diagnosed” (if one can really diagnose a syndrome) as Irritable Bowel Syndrome, that would send me to the hospital multiple times; my only complaint being that my body was trying to eat itself from the inside out. There was little peace for me in college.
After college there were many who worked hard to stabilize me. My life, as it has always been, was enacted against the ethereal backdrop of my faith, bordered on each side by the tightly-woven curtain of my family. Which is why it always pains me to talk of my deep sadness. Because it causes them to cry, “How did we fail you?” when the truth is that they never did. Well, no more than what is merely human, anyhow. The failing – or the falling – was all mine. It was my crazy wacked out high strung self. Blame it on brain chemicals, hormones, genetics or – my personal favorite – a deep seated fatal flaw, but don’t ever blame it on them.
It wasn’t until the tailspin brought on by my first miscarriage and then the death of my first child, a daughter Faith (also known as the reason why I often write on here that I have birthed four children and yet when you look at my FAQs page, you’ll only see three cherubic boys), that I ever considered medication. I don’t even remember how the conversation came about – perhaps it is de rigeur for mothers of dead babies – but my family doctor gave me a prescription for Celexa. I took it. It made me dizzy. But it also evened me out. It didn’t take much; I am what they consider a “responder” to medicine. One Vicodin renders me unconscious for 6 hours. Narcotics are so overwhelming to my system that I refuse to take them ever, for anything, even after childbirth. And so it was with the Celexa. Within a couple of months I began to chafe at the chemical bonds that bound in my euphoria as much as they bound up my tears. I quit it cold turkey after three short months. Every medical professional will tell you that you are never to do this. I had a rough month or so but then it was out and I was fine. And I was me again. I took up yoga to help quell the panic that had come back but, in my frenetic spirit, I only did the kind of yoga that made you sweat and shake and count your breaths in your head.
The next time I took an anti-depressant was Wellbutrin. The need came after more than a year of caring for a dear family member with a chronic illness. In addition, I was overwhelmed after my son’s recent birth, sad to have recently moved, sad that it was winter. My gynecologist prescribed it to me. That was a mistake. Wellbutrin is not for people with a history of eating disorders. It is also not for people with anxiety problems. I took it for six months until I was so irritable that I irritated myself with how I brushed my teeth. I went cold turkey. Again. Fortunately, for me anyhow, it was easy to stop taking it. In fact, I immediately felt better. I was me again.
Third time’s the charm right? If you will recall, last November I started taking Cymbalta – this time prescribed to me by an actual psychiatrist – to help with the anxiety brought on by the dark days and also to help ameliorate my compulsion to over exercise. It helped. But I didn’t like the side effects. After several months of going back and forth over the cost-benefit analysis of the meds, I decided it wasn’t worth it. And did it again. Cold turkey. This time it was a total freaking rush. Two weeks of “brain shivers” – an event I can only describe as exactly that: as if my brain were shivering inside my skull and isn’t as unpleasant as it sounds. I got my energy back, my sex life improved and my thoughts were no longer fragmented into a puff of paper snowflakes that swirled around me with every eddy, never settling and never coalescing. It was so great, I was tempted to go back on the Cymbalta just so I could have the pleasure of going off of it again. That was a month ago.
So why do I tell you all this? Well, for one, I have a penchant for oversharing. You may have noticed. But mostly I wanted to say that if there ever was a girl who needed meditation, it would have been me. In this time and this place. And I think it’s working. I really do.
The best part of this Experiment is that it didn’t work in the way I wanted it to. I lost no weight (gained 3 lbs actually!), I had no life-changing epiphanies, and I had no better luck regulating my breathing while running through side stitches. But it gave me something better – the realization that I do have the potential, nay even the ability, to be peaceful in myself. And I have the rest of my life to keep working on it.
How did your month of meditation go? Anyone else have a love-hate with their anti-depressant medication?
I really identified with this post – esp as I have just gone back on the anti-depressants for about the 10th time. No-one would every describe me as peaceful and yes, my skin is on wrong too. My anxiety levels are through the roof right now and the thought of meditation or yoga (unless it’s that sweaty kind) horrifies me. I’m generally of the opinion that if you’re not at max HR, it doesn’t count. However, all that is not really working for me right now – I’m a mess and doubt I’ll survive another month feeling as bad as I did for the last two. So I need to do something different. Your post has lodged the thought of meditation in my head. No promises but maybe it’s time for me to give it a try.
I must say have a love-love with my medication (Zoloft). That’s not to say that I want to stay on it for the rest of my life, but I haven’t been experiencing any side effects. I did have horrible side-effects with another medication I tried, though. And I don’t blame you for wanting to get off the meds!
As for meditation, I’m still working on it. I think it’s something I need, and I often avoid the things I need!
Finding peace is scary for me.
I often find the medication is worse than the disorder it’s trying to help.
But then what do I know.
I do know that I find your honesty awesome in the original sense of the word — I stand in awe of someone who can strip her virtual self naked before the internet. Go Charlotte.
I’m glad you’ve found a way of finding inner peace without resorting to drugs. I know it some cases it may be necessary, but it concerns me how many people in society look for the quick fix of medication before exploring other options.
Best,
Dave
I was on Paxil for 2 years and the whole time I saw it as something I would get off of as soon as I could. I hated feeling nothing. Getting off was brutal – dizziness, nausea, the whole lot – but rewarding.
I now control my depressive symptoms, when they arise, through exercise actually. And I failed this experiment due to time constraints but I think I’m going to go for it in March. I need to learn to stop sometimes.
Again, you always write exactly what I need to hear. I don’t know what it is about this time of year (February always does it to me), but I get all ancy and just can’t seem to shake the feeling of doom. It reminds me of when I chose to get off my ADHD meds…I was in such a desolate place and just wanted to “free” myself from, well, myself. It sounds really dramatic, but when you feel like a prisoner of yourself it IS pretty dramatic. Now if I could just deal with this cloud that seems to follow me during the late winter months. Spring can’t come soon enough!
Love the blog, Char. It looks like you are having a lot of fun. Sorry it’s been so long since I last caught up. Sorry to hear about your meds. Someday we’ll all have perfect bodies, right?
That’s really wonderful news Charlotte!
Chopping wood and carrying water goes so much better with that peaceful, easy feeling 🙂
Charlotte,
Your posting are scary for me….some times I feel I am so much like you (in what you are feeling in your head) and some times I am so not like you (I exercise about an hour a day and think…great done!…”now what can I eat to reward myself for exercising”….I do it to eat…I love food…but, that’s a whole other post :o)
Any way, I have tried a few “drugs” myself. I have the SAD syndrome some years are worse than others…Welbutrin didn’t work for me. I tried Paxill (for a bout a year) after the third child gave me some post-baby depression and I too quit cold turkey because I felt I didn’t need it any more. However, when the dark days of Jan. came around again I needed some thing (I think that was two years ago). My gyno gave me Lexapro. Best ever! No major side effects ….maybe not so in to sex ..but after 3 kids and busy schedules who is really THAT into sex? After another year I again thought I was “better” so I quit cold turkey.
This winter has been interesting…I have been going back and forth thinking I should be on some thing but, hoping we are soon done with the cold and I can hold out. It will be Spring soon! I truly wish the “magic” pill was out there but, I don’t think it is….that’s why there is Diet coke, chocolate and ice cream! Scary!!
(Thanks for sharing all your thoughts though.)
Thank you.
I always try to avoid all medications – some have just too many terrible side effects. And I have meditated in the past (enjoyed it) but I find I just never have the patience to sit down and do it – I always feel like I am doing “nothing” when I could instead be up and about doing “something”
I’ve never taken any anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs. I think it is wonderful that you found peace within.
I think that it is incredibally sad (and telling)that my “ears perked up” at the mention that wellbutrin “should not be perscribed to people with a history of eating disorders” because I have heard that it kills your appetite, and the twisted part of my brain though, Oooo…maybe…
*sigh*
Is it always like this?
I was thinking about anti-depressants. Then I met BK. For some reason he makes my brain fire happy chemicals, and he’s done so for the past two years.
The only problem is I’m a bit dependent on him, and am working on gaining independence without making him feel that I don’t want him around.
I tried a few antidepressants over the years. Nothing seemed to work. I always felt like I wasn’t me. I have since decided I’d rather be me and miserable than doped up. I’m glad drugs help some people. They just never worked for me. I’ll stick with my videogames and occasional prescription painkiller abuse.
Meditation has changed my life and given me a more peaceful outlook.
Medication scares me. I have always shied away from it because of the fear that I will loose who I *am* to the medication.
I watched my S.O. go through a very *very* bad reaction to a prescribed anti-depressant (which was subsequently removed from the market actually) which has only served to push me further away from even trying meds, although I am beginning to believe they may be a necessary step.
The only time I have ever consistently found myself any kind of peace was through Martial Arts, and meditation involved in my practice of Martial Arts. We would meditate for ten minutes before and after class, and that was the only time I’ve ever been able to shut my mind off, to put away all the negative thoughts.
Man I miss the dojo now…
If you don’t want to experience those scary sensations again, then you can choose to get rid of panic attacks completely. There is a particular technique found in an e-book that boasts of effectively stopping panic attacks from recurring. It follows a simple logic: if you no longer fear the onset of another panic attack, then you will able to get rid of panic attacks completely.
I’m so glad to hear of your success at this experiment!
And I’m so glad I decided to do it too. Meditation was one of those things I kept thinking I should do but never wanted to take the time. Now I’m kinda addicted to it and I’ll snatch moments whenever I can to just be still for 5 minutes.
I’m calmer, more patient with my kids, less stressed and anxious over work but still highly productive…if not more focused and organized. It’s crazy. It’s like my thoughts have stopped racing so much, being so noisy and repetitive like alarms going off all the time telling me to hurry up and do stuff. I still do everything but there’s less shouting coming from my brain if that makes sense. It feels really nice.
I think I mentioned before that after meditating for 2 weeks I gave up the food journal I’d kept up daily without fail for almost a year. I was afraid I’d freak out without it but it’s been just wonderful to be free of it. It was a great tool but it’s time to move on and try trusting myself. So far I’m doing just fine. Life is good!
Brain shivers! I haven’t had those in awhile, but I DEFINITELY know what you’re talking about. When I had them, I’d tell my bf it felt a little like my brain was gently rattling in my head, haha. But I’ve been on Cymbalta for over a year now and have’t cut anything cold turkey. Sometimes I’ll forget to take it and I’ll get night sweats.
I haven’t done the meditation experiment, but I’d rally love to make the time try. The more I recover from my eating disorder and learn to accept (and love!) my body and savor good foods, the more I want to take the time to appreciate it all. I feel like mediation would help with that.
That’s so good to hear, Charlotte- it’s great how much you share with us!
I really like meditation but I’m still not very good at DOING it. My mind is way too cluttered. But the focusing in aikido is really helping a lot.
Medication of all kinds is something I just stay away from… I don’t want something like that to be able to have so much control and influence over me.
I like when you overshare. I wouldn’t it oversharing though.
I failed at meditation – I didn’t do it 🙁 I have never been on an antidepressant or other psych meds because I’m scared of the other effects… don’t know if I will try them in the future.
Wow. Amazing post! Your elegant, honest, gripping accounts of what you’ve been through and how you’ve coped are so inspirational. As a culture we tend to sweep this stuff under the rug like we’re not supposed to talk about it– so that those who suffer feel like they’re alone. And clearly there are so many folks with the same struggles, all feeling isolated.
I have never had the patience to get the benefits of meditation–but then I haven’t struggled with quite the same amount of “thrashing”.
I’m so glad you’ve found a powerful, natural tool to find peace!
I’ve been on and off anti-depressants since I was 12- I’m 28 now. I used to hate that I had to be on them. I’d try to get off them again as soon as possible. After years and years of bouncing on and off various medications, and feeling so terrible that I couldn’t get out of bed even though there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG, I’ve accepted that medicine is something I need to help with my out of whack brain chemistry. It doesn’t control me, or change my personality. Quite the opposite , actually. It keeps the chemicals in my brain from controlling me.
Not everybody needs anti-depressants. Not everybody with depression needs anti-depressants all the time. I do. It is what it is.
Regarding meditation, I’ve been doing it for a few month, and I really like what it does for me. I do guided meditations most of the time, and I’m working on meditating on my own, which is much harder. The ability to find the peace inside yourself is an incredibly useful skill.
is it weird i find solice in the fact that im a thrasher, too? It makes me feel productive and neccessary. i see a calmer me (me, not everyone) as being complacent and stagnant. days where i relax and do nothing, i feel so useless. I dont want to force it on myself- its not in my nature.
Kelly Turner
http://www.everygymsnightmare.com
Thanks for sharing your struggles and experiences with us. You help so many people through your sharing. I, and others, I know, are very grateful for it!
I, myself, was born anxious. I came from a great home, but yet, my early memories and through the innocent elementary years and beyond, are filled with abnormal anxiety.
I was officially diagnosed with it about 8 months ago by a psychiatrist. I had tried Lexapro from my OB/GYN before this diagnosis a couple years ago, and never felt like the 10mg were working. I went off of it and like you, experienced those damn “brain shivers”! It was the oddest things ever and I’m almost glad now that other people experienced it too… It wasn’t all in my head! (Well, actually it was! Ha,ha.)
Anyway, after continuing to suffer from anxiety, disordered eating and exercise compulsion, I saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me and put me back on Lexapro, but a higher dosage. I currently have been taking 20mg for 8 months now.
Is it working? Yes, but I’m not sure just how much… I feel happier and calmer, but I have also been trying to make conscious, positive changes in my thoughts, actions, behaviors, etc.
So, I’ll stick with it for now, but I hope to go off of it in the future. I still hate the thought of having to depend on man-made medicine to feel and be “normal.” I’ll be happy to go off it too, because it’s SO DAMN EXPENSIVE!!!
Charlotte,
I relate so much to you– I am you a few years back perhaps– in grad school president of everything and stressing myself beyond measure- I have a complete melt-down about once a quarter. But I have never taken medication because, like you I am hypersensitive to drugs and anything I take I have side-effects x 10.
I had a thought about the “winter blues” though– have you ever had your vitamin D levels checked? Most Americans have low vitamin D levels in Winter since we get it from the sun and since I got mine up into normal range Winter has been easier. Just a thought 🙂
Thanks for sharing! I really am grateful for your honesty. I have love hate relationship with anti-depressants. I took Zoloft when I was first married and my mom had cancer and over the past month I feel like I should take them again. I also feel guilty and bad about needing them and wonder why I cant just kick this by myself…
Very new to your blog–just found it today–but am completely in love with it already! And what a lucky day to find it, since I’ve been contemplating (or trying to focus long enough to contemplate) ways to deal with the distractedness I’ve been feeling lately as I’m looking at an 8-month plan for finishing my dissertation. Meditation, of course! Will be trying a good round of that.
Some years ago, while an undergraduate student, I was diagnosed with manic depression and went through a period of trying out different drugs to manage my highs and lows–after growing tired of the new, unemotional, drug-managed “me,” though, I decided I wanted to try to find other means of dealing with my supposed psychological disturbance. While I often question the diagnosis itself (which I think was probably based on a nervous breakdown), I have found that a regimented sleep schedule and regular exercise, mostly outdoors, has had an amazing impact on my ability to deal with everyday life. Running and other exercise has become my therapy and I’m so happy to read about other people’s joy in their healthy bodies, minds, and spirits, too.
With greetings from northern Sweden!
thanks so much for this wonderfully-written post. I have a lmostly love-love releationship with SSRIs – they have helped me through some extremely rough periods in my lfie, including my college ED(Luvox). But it also hurt my sleep in a major way – not just trippy dreams, but horrific nightmares and night sweats. I, too, recently tried Cymbalta and it screwed with my sleep and appetite (no desire for sweets , which was SO weird and sad.) I feel like those meds can help many people and I have zero problem telling people what I take – I feel no stigma. It’s like my thryoid medicine. My body doesn’t make enough thyroid hormone, so I need to take a pill every day to even it out. No biggie.
charlotte,
i’ve been reading your blog for ages now, so i thought i’d finally comment, too. this post really hit me because i am currently taking cymbalta to alleviate my chronic headaches. for those purposes, it’s fine, and i haven’t noticed any particular changes in my temperament.
the problem? i recently ran out of my prescription, and it took a week to jump through hoops and get my prescription refilled. even though i am back on cymbalta, i have been having THE worst withdrawal side effects ever (nausea every time i eat, dizziness, nightmares, you name it). this has been making me really question whether i want to be on a drug that has so much power over me, but i don’t think that there’s much of an alternative from the standpoint of my neurologist. ick.
i have recently taken up yoga, and for the past week i have been too sick to practice. let me tell you, without yoga i am a basket case! yoga somehow gives me an amazing presence of mind and sense of calm that i’d never had before.
er…can you tell from the length of this comment that i overshare, too?
Thank you.
Your posts are like an e-hug that reach out and make me feel less alone.
I love my medication even though it is one people often hate, paxil.I still have feelings, i don’t feel numb and I feel normal again. I’ve had no horrible side effects, and it has helped with my anxiety soo much. I can sleep again! Me off the medication was a horrible mess, and Paxil has brought me back to myself. I tried everything before i resorted to medication, and it took me looking in the mirror one day and thinking about leaving, running away from it all, my family, my kids, my school, my world and just hide, to see that it wasn’t something that i was going to be able to fix on my own. Don’t get me wrong i don’t want this to be a permanent solution, but for me, medication has saved me.
_can you tell i over share too :)_
A little late responding. I’ve been on and off anti depressants for years. Recently, made the decision to go on Cymbalta. It worked great the first two weeks then the anxiety and irritability came back.
Slowly tapered off but went into seizures anyway and had to be hospitalized. The brain zaps or shivers were bad. So far I haven’t been able to work out since January. The good news is the Dr. cleared me to start now.
Don’t know if I will try anything different. The Hospital Doc asked what I took in the past and I told him it would probably be easier to list what I did NOT take.:)
Thanks for sharing, Charlotte.
BTW, my depression was caused by a severe PPD almost 20 years ago after the birth of my 3rd child. It’s never been the same since. Working out definitely helps.
I was going to try – but even in corpse pose at the end of yoga session I’m writing a blog post in my head or thinking about what I’m doing that night. I think the two times when my mind is the most quiet and the wheels aren’t turning is when I get really into a good tv show and wrapped up in the story, and during intense exercise when I’m giving 100%. Maybe someday I’ll get the meditation thing down…
meant to add…I LOVE Lexapro – such a great balance for me…
Wow. I just found your blog and this section really got to me. I’m what’s known as a depressive, so I’m with you on how it feels to not be peaceful! I’ve taken several meds since I began having children and I have the best shrink in the world (Dr. Stowe is the only man I’ve ever met who seems to KNOW what being hormonal means), but I quit meds to get my sex drive back. It feels great to enjoy all of my body again!
However, the black came back to grab me and I started falling. Stowe told me about a recent study showing that high doses of calcium (600mgs 2x day) could help. After the dark came for me again, I tried it and it works! For me, anyway. So now I get to feel “normal” but don’t have to take another expensive psych med. No side effects, either, although I guess kidney stones could be in my future. A chance I’m more than willing to take, given the opportunity to have a sex life again. And my skin often feels right side in, too, which is so wonderful!
I know this is a very old post but my entire family has a history of depression and I put myself through two solid years of drug abuse resulting in a complete lack of seritonin. I have a very hard time being happy. I was on Celexa for the "prescribed" minimum of 9 months and gained 20 pounds (weight gain is a side effect of almost all anti-depressants). As soon as I figured I could do it on my own and stopped getting the prescrip. filled, a completely went back to the way I was before. It's my belief that you need to be on anti-depressants for the rest of your life for them to "work". And in saying that, I think we all realize that pills almost never "solve" anything. Now I just exercise and eat chocolate to keep my happy chemical going. Still can't lose that 20 pounds…