Washboard abs. Quads of steel. White Chiclet teeth. Itty bitty clothes. A tan so dark and glossy that Crayola weeps with jealousy. These are the symbols that magazines and advertisers use to sell us the picture of health. And yet, strangely, not only can these things be faked but even if they are legit, are often not indications of a healthy lifestyle at all. So today at the gym while struggling through the Monkey Bar Gym’s “Deck of Cards” workout (today’s special torture: divebomber, a.k.a. floor humper, push ups! In the middle of a crowded weight floor with no wall to turn our butts toward!) I was thinking of what are good indicators that someone works out and eats right.
Charlotte’s Field Guide to the Healthy Human
I came up with a list of things to look for when identifying healthy humans in the wild. While often considered an endangered species, I find that they occur far more frequently than one would expect. Especially once you stop focusing on bikinis and skinny jeans. Do not limit yourself to one location. While healthy humans are often found in gyms and on outdoor trails, they also frequent regular human hangouts like grocery stores, restaurants and even parties.
Bear in mind that you must be careful when approaching a healthy human as reactions to the outside world vary. Some are overeager, like puppies, and will jump all over you at the merest invitation to “talk split times.” Others have been burned by their interactions with folks and are hesitant to open up lest they are mocked for their “clean diets”. Like all lists of this nature, this list is not meant to be exclusive and not all traits will apply to all healthy humans. Also be aware of impostors. These faux healthy humans can be difficult to spot at first glance. Don’t be discouraged though. With these tips and a some common sense, you too can find your own healthy human.
Can you spot the faux healthy human?1. Healthy Humans look younger than their chronological age. This is due to all the exercise and antioxidants in their diets. You can observe this effect in the wild by going to any gym and listening in when people talk about their ages. Guaranteed you will hear, “But, you can’t possibly be 48! You don’t look a day older than 30!” or some such. Most healthy humans respond well to this, the one exception being the youngest of the set. 18 year olds are often relegated to looking like baby faced pre-teens and will not appreciate you directing them to the junior locker room.
2. Healthy Humans stand at the ready. While not necessarily possessing ramrod-straight posture (unless they are of the ballerina subset), these humans naturally stand in an alert manner: head held high, shoulders back and with an air of a crouched leopard ready to spring at any passing prey.
3. Healthy Humans have a high pain threshold. Due to the grueling workouts these types do, they often posses greater than average tolerance for discomfort. This can be hard to see at a glance however, so it is encouraged to experiment. Carry a supply of small sharp objects (pins, tacks, etc.) and surreptitiously poke the subject until they yelp. Note how many times and how hard you poke them before they give a reaction. In deference to #2 on this list, you might want to rig the sharp objects with string in order to stay out of arm’s reach.
4. Healthy Humans are stronger than they look. The fastest way to test this assertion is to roll a car at a small human child and see who in the vicinity responds with a Herculean clean and jerk. (The child being kept clean and you being the jerk.) Unfortunately law enforcement does not share our love of research and so it is advisable to choose a less dramatic method of experimentation. A backpack full of books dropped on an old lady should do the trick.
5. Healthy Humans carry a lot of baggies. This habit occasionally gets them mistaken for drug dealers but once you examine the content of the baggies, you will discover an assortment of nuts, dried fruits, and jerky. If you do happen across some powder, give it a quick whiff – if it smells like “very speedy vanilla” or “double pump chocolate” then it is likely just protein powder. Gregarious healthy humans will usually try and share some of their baggies with you. Take them with a polite smile as The Sharing of the Trail-Mix Baggie is an important cultural ritual in their society. Do not offend.
After these top 5 indicators are met, you may wish to look for some second-tier attributes to strengthen your conclusions. These include bright skin, lustrous hair, a happy grin, the ability to sleep nine straight hours next to a jackhammer and the uncanny ability to name the bpm (beats per minute) of any pop song and do a coordinated one-two step up, step down, L-step, around-the-world to that rhythm. And yes, many of them do have Chiclet-esque teeth.
So what common attributes of healthy people have you noticed? What’s your favorite thing about being a healthy human?
I think healthy people listen more and complain less. I just think that in general, they have a better outlook on life because they feel better. After this morning’s rant, I’d guess I’m not very healthy! bummer!
Just prior to the last Olympic games, I had the unusual pleasure of being in a sauna with a dozen of some of the top U.S. sprinters, both male and female. I’m sure they would have scored in the 99th percentile of your test. The thing I remember most is how nice they all were, and I felt glad these fine men and women were representing us!
I don’t carry baggies. At least not if I can help it.
I carry reusable little containers.
(and my neighbor thinks I’m a hippy, humph…)
Healthy humans do mountains of laundry
Female healthy humans have at least one “fast hairdo” option
Healthy humans seldom have fat dogs
Very useful tips.
I always learn something when I read your blog 🙂
I agree if you are healthy you look younger than your age often times. Great blog, great info.
I, too, use reusable containers for all my lunch and snacks. Not for protein powder, yuck. This is cute, but not all healthy people go to the gym. I have an aunt in her 80s who can hike for miles. I am often told I look younger (I’m a huge produce eater), and my hair and skin are healthy. I’m more likely to notice people who are not healthy-pale, or even yellow or gray skin, all bones and sinew, weak, inflexible.
I hate sharing my trail-mix.
So funny! I have a plethora of baggies at the ready at all times.
who knew?
Healthy people heal quickly.
In keeping with your methodology, I suggest an “accidental” application of a dumbbell to an easily observable body part such as a shin or bicep, then you can observe the multi-colored healing process daily.
I don’t share my trail mix. I am however, stronger than I look.
And I’ve been mistaken for a high-schooler more times than I want to think about.
I dunno… I look younger than I am, but I always have. Even when I was very definately not a healthy human! 🙂
Healthy humans seem to be much chattier than others of the species.
hahah this is hilarious, I can’t tell you enough how much I love your writing style.
Well shoot… I thought I was healthy, but perhaps it’s a “stealthy healthy,” cause you probably wouldn’t spot me with a field guide.
But I totally agree the magazine criteria are really pretty funny.
Charlotte, I really needed this today! I’ve had such a horrible week with crazy eating-habits and feeling out-of-control.
I need to be reminded that I’m a healthy human. My favorite is when my husband says “you’re a lot stronger than you look!” As evidenced by my super-sonic-football-throwing-skills. Oh, and the plastic baggies – SO TRUE! I have my loot packed up every day in preparation for work and school. Thank you, I really needed a fun little read today!
I just have to say I Lo-lo-looove the way you write.
This was wonderfully hilarious. I think the healthy human trait I’ve witnessed lately is the willingness to use alternate transportation. My fiance and I, when thinking about going anywhere within a mile or two of our house now, pretty much assume that if we have time and it’s not below freezing, we’re walking. When we go downtown, we assume we’re taking the bus (which also involves a lot of walking). Our friends think we’re crazy. Two years ago, I wanted to drive to the apartment gym instead of walk there – which was probably a few hundred feet away!
Heh, great post!
There is one lady at my gym who we call “the runner” simply because I always see her on the treadmill, seeming like she’s going for a world record in speed and distance. She has the most fit body I’ve ever seen in my life. And like most Healthy Human’s has a brilliant smile on her face to match!
(Charlotte, I’m picturing you in full safari gear, crashing through the wild armed with only a camera and a penknife!)
I will add that healthy people seem to have a good sense of humor. Especially about themselves.
Sweet, so now when people think I’m 14 even though I’m 20 I can start telling them it’s because I’m healthy. Hehe.
Liked this list, it’s funny how true it is!
Great stuff! I am always told that I look a lot younger than I actually am. Of course, my friends who are actually younger than me (but look much older than their age) never appreciate it quite as much as I do!
Hah! That’s so true about the baggies. Although for me it’s tupperware… I never leave home without my little box of emergency nuts. And the baggies I do have I reuse. We’re in a recession, after all! 😉
Oh god, when I read Meg’s comment about “the runner” I had this pang of longing that maybe I’m that person to some of the people who may regularly see me out running in the mornings (hopefully nice people not stalking me). And not “that crazy fool wasting her time.” But oh well, who cares what people think…
I would bite if someone tried to horn in on my trail mix or seitan jerky. I’m so awful I won’t eat it in front of people unless I start to feel like my stomach is eating my back because then I might have to share. Damn, I’m an awful freak.
I’m not as healthy as I thought. 🙂
I need to work on my fast hairdo. Going running first thing in the morning means I have weird bed-head-that-I’ve-unsuccessfully-tried-to-tame-with-bobby-pins.
Maybe healthy people have at least one fast hairdo, but it doesn’t necessarily have to look very good.
5. Healthy Humans carry a lot of baggies
That was my favorite as it totally describes me. I should own stock in Ziplock.
I’m certainly not a healthy human yet, but now I know better what to aspire to 🙂
This was hilarious!
I agree about everything (I thought I was the only one carrying around the baggies) and can relate to the looking younger part esp.(bat eyelashes here)
I also tell people who will listen just how great being healthy makes me feel– I hardly yell at my kids anymore and I homeschool them! That’s gotta be the ultimate test.
I laughted out loud at my desk when it came to #5 (baggies). That is totally me. My purse and gym bag always have baggies with a pre-measured amount of raw almonds; lots of empty baggies too.
I did pack a reusable container with protein powder into my suitcase, and worried about what the TSA might do with it if they searched my bag, which they did w/o incident.
So funny, Charlotte. Thanks for posting it.
i love the first picture. it takes me back to my ultimate frisbee days in college. it’s definitely an ultimate player.
healthy human….find ways to get a mini-fridge put in the office to encourage packed lunches—fully stocked, of course, with containers of veggies, hummus, cheese, etc.
They have boundless energy, mental clarity and a can-do attitude!
Great post!
I had to laugh at your suggested research methods in 3 and 4. Thanks for the midday chuckle.
I loved the part about the baggies…I’m always taking baggies to work because they’re the perfect size and don’t take up a lot of room in my purse. I always have my morning oatmeal in one (1/2 c. serving of old-fashioned oats), and a serving of protein powder in another. Usually a baggie of pretzels thrown in there, too. 🙂
Interesting that you mention the posture. People are always commenting on my posture. Even when I sit on a stool, I do not slouch. This post is funny.