Rihanna – she of the battered by Chris Brown fame (What? She’s a singer too??) – recently got some new ink done:
Lots of people are questioning the aesthetics of the tiny tattoos but even more are asking what it all means. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it’s pretty obvious. She was recently victimized, both by her boyfriend and then by the press, and now she’s sporting permanent guns, an overt symbol of power and violence. Let’s not over analyze this.
What is interesting to me is the different ways that victims use to regain their equilibrium after an assault. For me, the real question is, how will Rihanna ever feel safe again?
The immediate answer that most people give to that question is to pursue legal action and put your attacker behind bars where presumably he can no longer hurt you or anyone else and also runs a risk of being assaulted himself – punishment and revenge in one neat rap of the gavel. I can tell you that it doesn’t work that way. For one thing, court cases are not immediate. Chris Brown is not currently in custody despite a substantial body of evidence against him. It may happen. It may not. Either way it doesn’t provide immediate safety. Another problem with the court-as-protection argument is that once a person is victimized, they feel vulnerable on all fronts. It helps if their particular attacker is removed from their vicinity but it doesn’t preclude an attack by someone else.
One of the tools that abusers often use is to put the blame on the victim. I remember the very first thing my boyfriend said to me after he sexually assaulted me: “Do you see what you made me do?” He then went on to say how I was complicit in my own assault (despite being asleep when he started) and how he was really upset about it and that I shouldn’t let this happen again. When I weakly protested, he threatened to kill me and kill himself. I accepted his rationalization. I can’t really explain it except to say that a) it is quite common for victims to accept the blame and b) I was doing what I thought was the safest thing at the time – I just wanted to get out of that car alive. This trick of having the victim take responsibility for the assault is insidious in that the victim then internalizes it as being something they did wrong. And logically, if we did it wrong once, we could do it wrong again and therefore be open to future assaults. It worked like a charm on me.
Another way, very popular in Hollywood, for victims to find a sense of safety is to learn how to protect themselves. Martial arts, learning to shoot, self-defense, and even hiring a bodyguard are popular leading-lady options. This works. But it works a lot faster in the movies. As I am discovering through my own study of karate, it takes a really really long time to get enough skill to withstand a determined attack. It definitely feels good to be doing something proactive to protect myself and gain confidence in my body but right now, as my Sensei pointed out to me, I’m probably more a threat to myself than anyone else. Not to mention that skills learned in a classroom setting are much more difficult to apply in real life, Kill Bill notwithstanding.
A third way that victims seek safety is by comparing their situation with others. I went through a period of time where I was so obsessed with watching movies and shows, talking to other victims and reading books and articles about rape, domestic violence and assault that to the casual observer it must’ve looked as if I were in the throes of a very strange fetish. All this information was a two-edged sword though. If the situation were radically different from mine – say the victim was a child – then I felt safer. However, and this happened far more often, if there were similarities between her and I, then I felt even more vulnerable with my new awareness of all the “could haves” and “might happens” out there. Law and Order: SVU was the bane of my existence. I couldn’t not watch it. And then I wouldn’t be able to sleep without nightmares for days afterward. Eventually this urge dies down but it never quite goes away. It’s the what-if game.
The last and least glamorous, although probably the most common way that victims seek safety is talk therapy of some kind. This helps too although it also takes a long time.
No matter which tactic the victim employs however, this constant mental replaying of the assault (which is both reflexive and retraumatizing) often leads victims to change themselves or their situation in some meaningful way. Some of us move or change jobs or cut our hair. Others lose weight or gain weight. Change our style of dress. Alter our daily schedule. Avoid public transportation or friends houses or walking late at night. Refuse to talk about it. Won’t shut up about it. Start drinking. Quit drinking. And some of us get tattoos of guns.
Some alterations are more effective than others in actually providing protection but every single one of them sends a message: I’m taking my power back. I’m doing something.
I’m going to tell you the truth. It’s been 10 years since my assault and abusive relationship and I still don’t feel entirely safe. A homeless man approached me in a dark parking lot recently and before he could even ask me for money, I had burst into hysterical tears – the panic overtaking me in a way that I am still ashamed of. It’s one of my greatest frustrations in my karate training now is that every time we learn a new move, I silently think “This wouldn’t have worked. This wouldn’t have saved me then.” And yet I am too untrained and too afraid to learn the moves that would have saved me. Unless nothing would have. And that’s the crux of it for me. I will always wonder if there was nothing I could have done to prevent what happened. What if what I did was really the best thing to do in the situation? But I can’t allow myself to think that because that would mean that my assault was inevitable. And if I couldn’t have protected myself then then how can I hope to prevent it from happening again?
I think I’ll get a tatoo of a gun.
I’m up insanely late working on a school project, but couldn’t help but be distracted by your post. It reminds me of my recent experience at the movies when a attempted-rape scene sent me into hysterical tears and shaking. I was really ashamed for my reaction because I felt out of control and didn’t quite understand that I was still that vulnerable.
I don’t think a tattoo of a gun is what you need. Then again, I have a tattoo that came after a lot of trauma including my assaults, so I can’t really preach.
I’m sorry to hear that karate puts that doubt into your mind. Many times there is not a lot more that you can do. At least that is what I tell myself on a regular basis. Its hard to forgive yourself for that situation and to accept that you have to move on from it.
Ultimately, our past is what makes us who we are today and we can’t change that. We can only move forward with the lessons we’ve gained.
Im not sure what to say here…as I fear what I wanna say would come across as insensitive to Rianna.
Ive never walked a mile in her expensive shoes so I DONT know what she’s feeling.
It saddens me to read (no matter how powerfully written) that you still feel unsafe as, in my mind and when we interact, you do convey a sense of:
I’m taking my power back. I’m doing something.
Miz, who knows this is a bit discombobulate but she was up late working…
OHMYWORRRRRRRRDDDDDD Charlotte! i LOVE your blog soooooooooooo much.
That’s the only response i can formulate right now, apart from to say ‘thanks’.
BigFatPie xxx
It’s so powerful the way you’re so brutally honest about this issue. Because there seems to be another kind of “blame the victim” attitude out there that suggests that sexual trauma victims should just “get over it,” and should do it quickly and quietly so the rest of us don’t have to hear about it.
It’s sad but important information that none of the methods of recovery are easy or instantaneous. I’m so glad you’ve shared this information, because I think there are so many women out there who think there’s something wrong with them for struggling for years after an assault.
It’s almost feeble of me to respond to this post when I never walked a day in the shoes of an attacker or victim. I don’t know how to explain the right way to feel safe again Charlotte. Your writing here I’m sure has some therapeutic effect but it still doesn’t take the violation away. There are no do-over’s, you can’t take trust back once it’s been mistreated. Rationalizing abuse is like eating soup with chopsticks. No matter how many times you attempt it, you’ll never make the hungry go away.
When this story first broke I wondered what world this guy lived in where physical violence on women was the correct response to any issue. Was this learned and practiced behavior? How far out do the tentacles of violence and abuse reach when a teen feels this is OK to do?
I also felt sad and sickened that she went back to him and there was a publicist to push this story along.
Healing after a personal assault can be such a difficult process. I hope for all of us to make the best choices we can.
you were the FIRST PERSON I thought of when I saw that she got a gun tattoo. I knew you’d have something good/smart to say about it.
Okay, when her attacker’s publicist started saying that they were back together, I flipped, because he was trying to repair the damage to his client’s rep at the expense of the victim.
I think that anything someone could do that might make them feel safer is worth trying.
I like what Tricia said here- anything that can be done to make you feel safer is worth trying. And it takes a long time to feel safer, but: you are in the process of making a difference and learning how to handle it and how you can, in the future, reach a place where the fear is lessened. You’re doing something about it.
ive never even come close to having any sort of attack or assault. the closest experience i have had was one time i had to call 911 cause a guy was assaulting a woman in the middle of the street and i was the only person around. Later, i had to testify, and even just having this man who i didnt know, didnt know me, and quite frankly seemed bored out of his mind at the trial scared the living crap out of me: having him even just look at me made my skin crawl. I cant veen imagine the sheer terror and emotional termoil someone would feel testifying against someone they knew or loved or still love.
The gun tattoo? I dont know how i feel, and frankly i dont think it matters if i form an opinion, she can do what she wants and only she knows why she got it.
I was once touched inappropriately by a male friend, which is way less severe than what many women have been through, but still inexcusable. If anything more had happened to me, I’m not sure how I would possibly handle it or even attempt to get over it. I am grateful for all the women who speak up about their assaults, because it is NOT ok. It will NEVER be ok and women need to keep reminding the world of that.
Thank you, Charlotte, for another brave, gutsy post!
I will add my 2 cents to the folks saying that whatever helps you feel safer is what you need. And there’s NO shame in crying or feeling afraid if a stranger approaches you!!!!!
I sometimes wonder if people would be more sympathetic if the media changed its perception not only of assault, but of women in general. When women are presented as playthings for men, as disposable, as toys, they are dehumanized. It’s easier to harm someone when you think of that person as being somehow inferior to you. It’s easier to commit rape when society practically condones it, saying “boys will be boys, and she shouldn’t have worn that skirt.” When TV and movies show rape as sexy.
This is not a diatribe against men. Men are also victims. Many men do not report being assaulted because they are afraid of being seen as weak, and being laughed at.
When we laugh at and accuse victims, we are condoning violence.
I’m close to tears so this needs to be brief.
I play the same mental game – is it worse to think that it was my fault for not preventing it, or to think that NOTHING I did could have prevented it – and nothing I can do would prevent it again? It’s almost easier to think it was my fault because then I was still in control and don’t have to admit to utter powerlessness.
That said, I very strongly believe in the powers symbolic actions can have. I have a tattoo which, while not obvious to most, has personal meaning for me because it symbolizes recovery and moving on from assault and the eating disorder. If getting it, if what it symbolizes, helps, then more power to her.
Hi Charlotte,
Two different thoughts here to pass on:
1. Are you aware of “model mugging”. Or, um, it used to be called that — the group in my area is now called “Bay Area Impact”. Please goggle it and read about it. It is a full impact course in self defense. The organizations that so this training keep track of graduates who have been attacked and, generalizing wildly here: the training sticks. This training was started by a group of karate practitioners (including some black belts, if I remember right?) who were trying to figure out a response after one of them was visciously attacked. I know I’m unclear on which details to tell you, but do look into it if you have not heard of it. When I went to a (public) demonstration of the skills and methods, I was TERRIFIED by watching, but also vowed that if this was possible (I hardly believed it) I HAD to take the course. Which I did, even though I was TERRIFIED.
PLEASE DO NOT read this as in ANY WAY saying that what you are already doing is not important and good. It’s all just more options, okay? And every action counts. I read some advice once, in a column for parents (I think after an earthquake). The topic was how to help your kids with the possible fears and trauma of the event — and the advice I liked was to REPEATEDLY PRAISE the child’s efforts REGARDLESS of the outcome. If the child hid under a table, praise them. If they screamed, praise them. It is also advice I have used for myself, and I offer it to you: praise to you for all that you did to make the way safe for yourself, by going along with it, by feeling confusion, by objecting, by not objecting. Praise to you for surviving. Praise to you for having out-of-control emotions still (at times). All of it is rich and protective and good.
2. The real solution is to live in a safe world. No one is safe in a world that includes routine violence, theft, deception, and torture (and, obviously, this list could be much longer….) That doesn’t mean that we can’t do INDIVIDUAL things to feel somewhat safer, we can. And group things at all the locations we frequent — to help reduce the risks, and reduce the rude stuff that goes on. It’s all good. I’m just saying that (IMO) the only REAL solution is to be in places that actually ARE SAFE. Yes, it is a tall order.
Oops, and one more little gem: search for “holla back NY”. An absolutely fabulous website for testimony about creepy things going on on the streets of NYC. I guess I should put a warning on this for sure — it can be traumatic to read — but it is also –shrug– just so great.
OOPS! And yet one more comment: regarding the images of women (TV/movies): when I did the model mugging course I plunged into a new level of horror about how women are continually shown as weak victims. It seems just HORRIBLE to me…. for both men and women. I wonder what effect there would be if all depictions of violence (or attempted violence) against women were to show the women fighting off the attack, and the attacker as wounded. I think we could all stand a few years of that. What was the name of the woman who bit off a man’s penis? It was big news at the time, but it has been many years now….
Also recommend the book: “Her Wits About Her: Self-defense success stories by women”. Not light reading, but it is non-fiction, and there is a different ending.
Best to you!
Last weekend, I ended up getting in a really shady van to catch a ride home with an acquaintance of a friend (the friend and my fiance was with). The only reason I got in that van was that I sized him up and thought “I could take him”. Surely the 3 of us could have. He ended up being a little creepy but in the nerdy way not axe murderer way. I hope never to have to test my bravado.
I guess the point of that is – even people who have never been assaulted have those kinds of thoughts, and that anything you can do to make yourself feel safe but also prepared to defend yourself, whether it’s a tattoo or self defense classes or just becoming fit and strong or whatnot, is a good thing.
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This blog entry almost made me cry. I feel vulnerable and I’ve let so many people do things to me that they shouldn’t have. Even now when I think about rape or sexual assault victims of any kind, I feel rage and helplessness. It is my worst fear.
Thank you for being so raw in your blog. What struck me really hard is when you said to yourself, “This wouldn’t have worked” during karate training. Those moments are the worst. They intrude your thoughts and almost permeate your life, even after the incident.
Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences. It helps to know that there are people out there who know the same pain.
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