My friend E is a medical miracle. Several weeks ago she was struck down by a bacteria that on Friday made her feel flu-ish and by Monday had her in a coma that the doctors said she would not come out of. Emergency surgery that required a team of 12 doctors, several near misses in the ICU and days of prayers from her loved ones – including her husband and three adorable little girls – finally saw her through the other end. I don’t know how she felt when she awoke but it must have been like a bad movie. The day she fell ill, she wrote on her Facebook status “Just got back from playing outside with my girls” – a status that epitomized everything she was: a loving mother, active, healthy and beautiful inside and out. And then the day she awoke from her coma, her health was gone from her. Just like that, the mother who fed her daughters three meals a day didn’t have the strength to feed herself. The dear friend who never forgot to send a note for my birthday now couldn’t even take my phone calls. The woman who always looked so beautiful and put together couldn’t even recognize herself in the mirror.
And yet, even though she now e-mails again, she has never once complained (at least to me) of the toll any of this has taken on her. I’m sure she feels the burden. Immensely. I can’t imagine how one wouldn’t. But the first e-mail I got from her since she awoke told of her excitement at hopefully getting to leave the hospital soon, briefly mentioning the effects of the steroids on her small frame and then thanking the Lord for allowing her to live. The second e-mail was to thank me for a package I sent her and to congratulate me on my pregnancy. I tell you, I’ve never felt so humbled – my complaints of nausea and water weight gain resumed their rightful places at the very bottom of the Important Things in Life pile. Regardless of the current state of her physical body, E is more beautiful to me than she was before her illness happened.
In an unrelated incident, another friend recently woke up to two huge black eyes. After convincing her mother and the hospital staff that her loving husband had not beaten her nor had she taken up clandestine lessons in ultimate fighting, she learned that she has a rare blood clotting disorder. The initial treatment involved some drug therapy but if they didn’t work quickly – the girl could bleed out from a razor nick after all – then it was onto steroids for her. “They’d make me gain, like, 20 pounds in the first month alone,” she lamented to me. “What will you do?” I replied. She gave me a crazy look. “Take them and suck it up.” She has two sons.
I share these two stories with you not to invade the privacy of my friends’ illnesses but rather to share with you the poignancy of when our health – something we often consider well within our purview of control – is wrested from us. The New York Times recently ran a personal essay, “When Medicine Makes You Fat,” about a woman with ulcerative colitis and her struggle between balancing her need for medication which makes her gain weight and her health. Moving through the stages of grief, Loren Berlin writes, “Initially I got angry. It seemed unfair that I should have to lose my hard-earned shape to regain my health. These weren’t the terms I wanted to negotiate. But my gastroenterologist and my blood tests told me that what I wanted and what I needed were at odds, and needs trumped wants.”
Her next reaction, after gaining 10% of her bodyweight, was guilt: “I scolded myself for placing so much emphasis on the superficial when I should have been grateful for a drug that could control my illness. There I was, actively worrying about my pant size while my body attacked itself. I was stunned by my own vanity.”
And lastly, after years of managing her illness, she comes to the conclusion: “But now, I’ve come to realize that my vanity, in the midst of a serious illness, isn’t such a bad thing. In caring so much about my appearances, I am acknowledging that my illness is just one part of a whole person. I’m a 31-year-old woman with the same goals and insecurities as any other 31-year old woman, with or without a chronic health problem. And looking in the mirror reminds me of a fundamental truth. I am more than my disease.”
This article resonated so much with me because while pregnancy is not an illness – and I do not wish to denigrate my friends’ or Ms. Berlin’s experiences by comparing myself to them – it is a condition that takes the control of your body almost completely out of your hands. It’s like the baby hormones take over and you’re just along for the ride.
As one anonymous reader – and fellow preggo – commented on my last post about working out in the first tri, “Another fear that popped up big time is the fear of getting fat. Sorry if I sound superficial, but I just care about that kind of stuff. My whole life I’ve reveled in the fact that I have the power to control my body and the way it looks. Now, it has a mind of its own. And it scares the shit out of me. And what scares me even more is that it’s only going to get worse as the pregnancy goes on. I would love to adopt a new mindset where I can feel sexy and attractive while pregnant, but I’m not sure how to get there.”
I know exactly how she feels. When I’m feeling sensible, I am profoundly grateful for the ability to grow a life inside of me – talk about a party trick! – but in the day-to-day depression of one pair of jeans after another going in the put-away box and the ever increasing scale numbers, I feel angry. And sad. And if I’m being totally honest, scared. Pregnancy is an adventure but it’s also a risk. I say this as a mother who has lost a baby at birth: You don’t know the end from the beginning. Nothing is a given. Even the baby.
Today at my monthly check-up, I had an interesting conversation with my doctor.
“So, any concerns Charlotte?”
“Um, yes, doctor.” (I already knew how stupid this was going to sound but my anxiety of the subject made me say it anyhow.) “See, I’ve gained a lot of weight.”
His eyebrow raised. “You’re still well within normal for your height.”
“Yes, yes, I know but I’ve never gained this much weight this quickly before and most people lose weight in the first tri and it’s so hard to get off after the baby is born and I worked so hard to get it off after the last baby and this baby isn’t even big enough to be ‘showing’ yet and I already look like I’m four months pregnant and what if I get pre-eclampisa or gestational diabetes or – “
Cut me off kindly, he patted my shoulder, “Are you eating right? Exercising?”
Nodding like a bobblehead I answered, “I workout two hours a day and write down everything I eat (thanks to the Women’s Health mag Experiment this month). I’m good, I swear!”
He grinned as if he’d finally solved the mystery of the grassy knoll, “Well then it’s probably just water weight. Your hormones are in overdrive. Think PMS times 100.” (Stupid hormones. A friend sent me the video of Susan Boyle’s heart-rending performance on Britain’s Got Talent and I bawled like a baby through the whole thing! Seriously – if you haven’t seen this clip yet, it’s a MUST watch. I’d embed it but YouTube won’t let me. Stupid Simon Cowell.)
“But, but…” I sputtered.
Looking me squarely in the eyes he said, “You let me worry about this. That’s my job. Just keep doing your best. You’re going to be fine.” And then he added the zinger that I haven’t been able to get out of my head since. “Trust your body, Charlotte. It knows what it’s doing.”
Trust my body?? I have spent my whole life – heck, I’ve practically made a career out of – NOT trusting my body. My body is the thing that gains 5 pounds if I even so much look at a hot pretzel. My body is the thing that still gets acne like I’m 15 despite the fact I found my first grey hair not two weeks ago. My body is the thing that decides the best place to distribute it’s fat stores is not in the socially acceptable boob area but rather in two lumps at the top of each thigh.
And yet, my body is the thing that’s run 26.2 miles. My body is the thing that can carry my half of the couch when we’re moving furniture. And. My body is the thing that has grown and birthed 4 children. Maybe I can learn to trust it.
I think you’ll have to trust your doctor on this one. I haven’t had and don’t want kids, but I’ve had women in my gym classes who come until the very end. Obviously, they skip the sit-ups. My sister is more weight-concerned (no offense meant) than you, and gained less than 20 pounds during her pregnancy, and her doctor told her to learn to eat some fat, quickly. Plus, you’ve already done this a few times, so you know you’ll return to normal. Those are some scary stories, though, I hope I stay healthy well into old age, especially since I have no insurance.
I love this post as Id never thought of it in this way (not the childcarrying so much as the issue/concept of TRUST).
of letting go of control and seeing it as a small step because the reigns will be handed back over to you in ninemonths.
it’s a time (IMO) to just lean back and enjoy the babyride 🙂
It’s really easy for me to say, as a non-pregnant, non-ill person, that of course you should just trust the process! You take such good care of yourself.
But I’ve never had that control taken away, and I imagine it must be really disconcerting.
That said, I wonder if you tried to picture yourself as someone else- another pregnant woman who came to you for advice. Think what you’d say to her if she was as conscientious as you are and had the same concerns: I suspect you’d be much more trusting of the process on her behalf than on your own.
I’ll be honest and shallow and admit that what scares me the most about pregnancy is the weight gain. And not being able to lose it after the baby’s born.
So much of who we are and how we identify ourselves is wrapped up in how we look physically, not just in our personality. Big changes to that physical shape can seriously affect how we view ourselves and how we feel others view us as well.
Trusting our bodies, trusting our doctors, and deciding that health wins out over vanity are all challenges that most of us will have to face at one time or another. I just hope I can handle it with grace and reason when my time comes.
Thank you for this post. I think we’re conditioned to think that we’re in control at all times but it takes a serious illness (in the case of your friends) or a happy occassion (yours) to make us realise that our bodies kinda know what they need and, as you write, needs trump wants.
I struggle to accept my body’s control sometimes, especially when my lungs go on strike (today, not a good one) and I fight until I realise that fighting it takes energy away from healing myself and allowing my body to dictate what it needs (often rest) means I heal faster.
I had a 19 y.o. patient that had a severe anaphylactic reaction to an IV drug I had given her, a steroid in fact! It was incredibly rapid, I had never seen anything like it before.
After my initiating emergency treatment and with the Code team’s help, she was in the ICU comatose! The consulting neurologist said she would not recover. She recovered without any deficit several days later. Those were long days. Some medical students later told me that this particular doctor had the nickname, “always sure, often wrong,” I’m very happy to say 🙂
Okay, somehow I totally forgot about yesterday’s post!
I’ve been there with the body not being my own: I spent a large portion of my final semester of college puking. It’d last most of the day, and people began whispering I was pregnant (never was. It was stress).
Unfortuntely, I was just told to eat more protein and relax. So I ate more protein and stressed more.
Trust your doctor.
Hey again from the 7 weeks pregnant girl. Thanks for quoting me in your post. And thanks for the support on this issue. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one struggling with this.
About 2 years ago I was in the perfect place to start a family. I had a husband, was financially stable… the works. And then I freaked out. All these fears came up, like, am I signing away my freedom, and equally importantly, how am I going to cope with feeling fat and unattractive and looking stupid and insecure at doing the things I love to do (dance). And so I postponed having kids for 2 years. For 2 years I reveled in my freedom and in my body looking exactly the way I wanted it to.
Then, the pressure started to build. Not just from other people but in my own mind. I started to realize that all I was doing was avoiding the issues rather than facing them head-on, and that if I ever wanted to have kids, I was going to have to deal with them at some point. And so I dove in and made the leap of faith that somewhere along the line I was going to figure it out, and made a commitment to myself that I don’t just want to survive this thing – I don’t just want to ride out this pregnancy, feeling ugly and fat, and then go back to the same old mindset. But that I want to use this pregnancy as an opportunity to break open my old, limited ways of experiencing beauty and attractiveness and replace it with something new, and something that can last no matter what size I’ll be in the future, no matter what age, no matter what state of health.
Now – I’ll be honest – I have NO CLUE how to get there. Okay, that’s not true. I have some small ideas, like starting a collection of people, in our culture and drawing from others, that can serve as examples and reminders of a new context for beauty. Also, using thought-hacking techniques such as Byron Katie’s 4 questions to dismantle painful mindsets regarding aging and beauty. But no clear, comprehensive plan yet.
I’ll keep you posted if I come up with something that I think can be valuable. Not just for pregnant women. But for all women, who I feel deserve a new context for feeling beautiful that’s inclusive of all shapes, all ages, and all states of health.
I have never had to experience losing control of my own body – whether via illness or pregnancy. So I can only imagine that it is scary when you are doing all the “right” things but you see gains, instead of losses.
Like your anonymous poster, I worry that when I begin to start a family – I will gain huge amounts of weight that I won’t be able to lose. I have watched both my mother and my sister gain large amounts of pregnancy weight that they seemingly can not lose. My mother says the extra 15 pounds she carries are from her last pregnancy (and that was my sister who is 23).
I am vain enough to admit that I don’t want to look like them. My rational mind knows that if I eat right and work out while pregnant then I should not gain huge amounts of weight. And that after the baby comes, I can devote myself to getting back my pre-baby shape —- but it is a fear none the less.
Perhaps that is why I am taking the next year to get into the best shape possible before I try to get pregnant. After reading your post, maybe I should learn to trust my body more….
I loved this post – I just wanted to stand up and cheer at the end!
So sorry to hear about the health problems your friends have been going through. It’s a scary thing when your body attacks itself. This makes me BELIEVE that I should treat my body as the temple it is, and not just look at it in the mirror and frown. Ahhh, but that can be so hard, and something I think I will always be working on. Thank you for reminding me to be kind to myself, I don’t think it can be said enough.
I was once informed that those two lumps you refer to help with fertility and that women who do not have the lumps tend to have more problems getting pregnant. Don’t know whether that’s the truth or just kind words from a friend but I’ve looked at my own lumps a little differently since then.
Okay, first of all, you called me characteristic. I’m characteristic? Crap. There was no need to be insulting like that. I was tempted to forgive you after the “wit” comment, but then you followed it up with “blunt.” Albeit true, and therefore I resolved that I can still comment on your blog like all is well.
Onto second of all, to quote my sister at my mother’s funeral in response to my dad’s grief at how upset he was seeing my mother, saying, “It’s just a body, it’s just a body.” She said in an incredibly succinct and eloquent summary of the beautiful human form, “It’s not just a body. It was the body that held her mind so we could all enjoy being with her, it was the body that held us, it was the body that comforted and soothed us, the body that carried all of us inside her, the body that reached out for us.” No matter that she struggled with her weight her entire life and never really got off the health and nutrition roller coaster ride, that her body in the end betrayed her and wasted away, she was amazingly beautiful and wanted that body more than anything she had ever wanted.
We trust our bodies implicitly, which is why when they are wrested away from us we are sent reeling. It’s not that you don’t trust yours, it’s just finding that trust again now that it’s changed its rules!
This is a beautiful post, and what strong women those are! That one article really NAILED it, that we are more than just our illness when we’re sick.
This winter was freakishly cold, even for Canada. I found myself eating a lot more than usual and though the scale didn’t shift, I’m pretty sure I gained some fat. I was frustrated until I realized that it’s probably very much because my body didn’t have enough fat to keep warm, so it required some extra padding. Our bodies really DO know best.
I believe that part of being a mom is being TOTALLY selfLESS and not selfISH. This means that sometimes we have to make sacrafices in order to have the thing that is most important…children. Sometimes the perfect body is the sacrafice we have to make.
That being said, it is also a selfLESS thing to take care of your body so you can take care of your children and family. There has to be a fine line between caring too much about our bodies and not caring enough. When you find that line, Char, let me know!!
BTW, yay for E and the progress she’s making! It’s thrilling.
It’s funny – I think we’re taught our whole lives (women in particular, but men too), that our bodies are our enemies: things to be overcome, to be controlled, to be managed. We “manage” and “control” our weight, we “overcome” weight problems, we “whittle away” the parts we don’t like, and on and on.
The idea that our bodies might (just MAYBE) know what they’re doing is pretty revolutionary (which in itself is kind of sad, you know?). My first real experience with that was not with losing “control” so much as giving it up. My ED therapist pretty much kicked my butt into trying Intuitive Eating, and I was SCARED TO DEATH of what would happen if I didn’t “control” myself.
Turned out, nothing did. Turned out, I didn’t lose, but I didn’t gain – and I felt a lot better. It’s obviously not the same as pregnancy or illness, but it gave me a whole new level of respect for my body. It sort of made me think of my body as my PARTNER instead of my OPPONENT. Does that sort of make sense? Turns out that my body is a pretty miraculous piece of work.
Oh, and PS – HOW AMAZING WAS SUSAN BOYLE? I linked to another post on her today (about being amazing no matter whether or not you fit society’s definition of beauty). Fantastic stuff.
II am just amazed at how well you put your thoughts & feelings into words. I have never been thru the pregnancy thing so hard for me to say "trust the process" BUT seems like your doc knows what is good for you & you seem to know that you can take things to an extreme (and I am there with you) so maybe trying to trust the process is a thing that will come with time & a work in progress.
Like you, I am one that likes that my workouts are the one thing I can control but at 51 with the hormone acne changes, the body changes, loss of hair along with gray and more that have been going on for at least 2 years along with the fact that like you, I have always had to fight for every pound of weight lost & muscle gained, it is hard to let go. It seems so unimportant based on the illness of friends & family.
This is a very thought provoking post!
My comment is on the Susan Boyle link which I just watched. I’m not pregnant, but it still made my eyes water up.
I love how authentic she is; no make-up that I could tell, and all-natural, loverly, bushy eyebrows. It’s so nice to see someone on stage who isn’t a product of a beauty salon!
Susan, if you’re reading this: DON’T LET ANYONE TALK YOU INTO PLUCKING YOUR EYEBROWS! You’re absolutely gorgeous as-is! I can see you starting a new trend of unplucked eyebrows.
Of course this must be turned into a lesson for you, too, Charlotte. Just focus on being healthy and let your body be it’s natural, gorgeous self.
I agree – the two things that scare me most about pregnancy are the weight gain and not being able to party with my friends. I know how STUPID this sounds, and therefore, I have deemed myself not yet fit to bear children. =) Plus, I don’t like sharing my toys.
I’ve learned a lot of lessons in the last 6 months about trusting my body. I’m not perfect in the least but I’m making progress. Sometimes part of a healthy lifestyle is letting go and indulging. Sometimes, the sugar cravings aren’t just mental, they’re physical needs. Sometimes, staying the same weight is just what my body needs even if the logs say I should be losing.
After over 100 lbs shed, of COURSE the last 15 are going to take the longest and be the hardest. It’s probably because it’s pure vanity weight I want to lose right now – my body carries me through hectic days, long runs, weights, bike rides, dancing for hours, and epic shopping trips with more energy than I could have ever expected. I should really give it a break sometimes even if it has lumps and bumps I don’t particularly like…
Hmmm kinda a tangent here, but I guess the short version is I feel ya, lady. 🙂
Wow. THree words, “Trust your body.” Quite possibly the most loaded statement ever!
And yet that is EXACTLY what we need to do, isn’t it?
Another amazing post!!!!
Oh, and during my first pregnancy, sometime in the 2nd trimester, I got a good look at my butt.
And freaked!
Until my husband came over and said “Don’t worry, hon. You HAVE to gain weight there. If you didn’t, you’d fall forward and squish the baby!”
Sometimes I think part of why we feel so miserable in the first trimester is because we’re going through all these side effects of the pregnancy without having yet felt the wonderful feelings of new life inside of us. Right now it just feels like an illness, no matter how many times I look at those ultrasound pics.
My last two pregnancies, I wasn’t really working out, this time around I’ve been busting my rear to lose weight, so the change in plans is a bit hard to fully embrace. But these kids are so totally worth it, even when they drive me crazy! They are the biggest catalyst for change and personal growth, ever. Some might not want that change to happen, however.
And while it sounds as if some here might find this a bad thing, your body is not entirely your own even after delivery! And it’s OK!
I absolutely loved this post Charlotte. I have never looked at it that way before. Those stories were amazing, and what you’re doing is amazing too. I’d never thought of it as trust, but I suppose trust is exactly what you need during pregnancy. Your body isn’t your own and the things that are controlling you are powerful. I sincerely wish you all the luck in the world with this process. These little ones are so worth all of it, and as soon as you’re passed this first trimester it’ll be easier to remember why you’re doing it! This was a beautifully written post, and I had to comment. Good luck!
LOve love love this one! you hit the nail on the head I think. I think that its hard not to seek that control over our body, but that really our body does know what we need. Ive read that pregnant womens cravings are based on actual needs for minerals or specific vitamins. (my personal cravings were for salt and deep fried crunch wrap supreams and if I had figured it out I bet I could have controled the cravings with some vitamins or supplements or maybe additional salt) Let your body do what it needs to each baby is different some need the weight in the first trimester and some not until the third…
first, I truly hope your friends recover and find health – i feel like I”ve heard nothing but bad news this month from my friends about their friends’ and families’ health (mine included.) The story about ‘when medicine makes you fat” is a phenomenal idea -I’m headed over to read it right now. I once took a sleep medicine that I very much needed but was known for making users gain weight. Fast. I was desperate and took it and, blissfully, slept. But I gained weight and, a month before my wedding date, my gown wasn’t fitting. I freaked and got off it, and ever since have been dissapointed in my reaction. I can’t wait to read that story…