I did yoga this morning. Per usual, it was a sweaty-yet-relaxing good time and I enjoyed myself immensely (fave part: the stares when I did my headstand inversion, pregnant belly and all). But there was one part at the end that got a little awkward. It’s called Happy Baby Pose:
It ought to be called Embarrassing Baby Pose. Don’t know why? Try it. Just do it. I don’t care if you’re at work. Just tell your boss it’s an experiment for science. Still don’t get it? Pull down on your feet a bit harder and… ahhh. There you go. Hint: it’s doubly dangerous if you’re a woman. As if that’s not enough, yoga actually has a Breaking Wind Pose – although strangely in all my years of yoga this is not one I see often in a class setting. In fact, yoga has a whole slew of poses specifically designed to, well, expel gas from various orifices.
It’s one of those quirks about being human. If you have an orifice and it is in proper working order then that means that sometimes things will fly out of it. Burping, farting, sneezing, hiccuping and if you’re a woman – that other thing (which due to advertiser restrictions I cannot name but judging from the number of e-mails I get about this topic, you all know what I mean) – all happen. And for the most part you can’t really control them. Sure you can “hold it” and sometimes that works. But sometimes holding it just leads to a bigger, noisier explosion in the end. (Side note: I had a friend in high school actually crack a rib from trying to hold in a sneeze!)
So I’m going to skip the recommendations on how to prevent these particular occurrences and go right to the good part: what to do when it happens. And it will happen eventually. It’s not just yoga that brings out the gassiness in us. While each person has their own personal “Happy Baby” trigger, common offenders are ab works, straddles & deep squats and any class requiring a perfectly quiet room.
How To Deal With Gas
1. Hold it. This is generally the first strategy people try but unless your gas is just teasing you then this technique won’t work very long. It also has the unfortunate side effect of possibly making things worse when your Old Faithful finally does blow. Case in point: One evening I made the mistake of eating a massive bowl of edamame (soy beans) 15 minutes before a Turbokick class. My body doesn’t react well to soy, especially not soy that is swallowed and then jostled around to aerobically remixed Hip Hop. Being of a generally inoffensive nature, I dutifully held it in. And watched my stomach expand like a hot air balloon. Which led me to…
2. Escape. Leave the immediate area – preferably to go somewhere well ventilated like outdoors – and then let ‘er rip. Be sure to walk around a bit or fan yourself with a newspaper so you don’t bring it back in with you. The problem with using escape is that a) you have to have enough time to get out and often gas erupts with little warning, especially that other thing and b) you have to have someplace to go. If you are deep in the bowels (forgive me) of a mega gym then your chances of finding someplace unpopulated quickly are slim. Me and my now-tight-like-a-drum belly tried to escape but the studio was surrounded by the cardio floor, weight floor and track. I’d have to go to an entirely different level to find an exit! Which led to my next option…
3. Cover it up. If you have loud music, like we do in Turbokick, then you’re golden. Belch, scream, sneeze, and even do the Happy Baby with impunity as nobody will know the difference. If you do somehow end up louder than the music you can always pretend it was part of the remix. No one will notice. If you don’t have loud music, like in yoga, a well-timed “cough” or giggle can cover a multitude of sins. Unless, of course, there is a smell attached. Soy bean farts, sadly, have a very distinctive smell thereby necessitating…
4. Dispersion. It doesn’t matter if you failed the physical sciences in school, the laws of nature will still work regardless of if you understand them. And the one you want to invoke here is the law of particle dispersion. What you need to do is dilute the smell so that it dissipates quickly in the air but more importantly so people won’t be able to trace it to you. There are several methods of dispersion: the fan technique (generally too obvious although I have seen it done!), the wandering away technique (nice try but the scent usually follows you like the paparazzi on Jon Gosselin), and – my personal favorite – the jumping around technique. The latter requires lots of big movements in an effort to stir up the air and get some fresh stuff mixed in. The trick, of course, is to do it without letting on why you’re doing it. It’s a fine art and one that I’ll admit I’m still working on. Oh, but there’s one more little science factoid you need to know about dispersion: it doesn’t work well in an enclosed environment. Like a class studio. Oops. No matter how much I jumped and kicked and punched, the gas crept across the room like a putrid cloud. Which led to…
5. Accept and apologize. Sometimes there’s just nothing you can do. Everyone in yoga is doing their (silent) centered breathing and your butt decides to go off like a machine gun on automatic followed up by a high pitched squeal and a pop like a firecracker. Or you’re trying this straddle move in the middle of the weight floor and you surprise all the meatheads around you with a Happy Baby incident. Or you ate too much soy and now the smell has people on the other side of class asking what died (true story). If you’re all adults then chances are most people will ignore the incident out of courtesy and while you will still be red faced, nobody will say anything. However, if you’re like me and the Gym Buddies, you’ll probably laugh. I can’t help it. I know it’s juvenile but it just comes out of me. And once the perpetrator starts laughing then who can resist a good chuckle? Last resort is to apologize. A sincere straight-faced “Sorry, dude, I ate soy for dinner” can go a long way. Plus it’s a small price to pay for a comfortably deflated stomach.
Although once you have reached this stage in the process you know that you’re never going to live it down, right?
Any of you have a patented gas technique? What’s your worst trigger? What’s your most embarrassing gasseous emission story? Anyone actually get down and try Happy Baby??
I had a yoga teacher once who referred to the happy baby pose as the “honey I’m home” pose…hmmm sorry if that was inappropriate..Suffice to say, the pose itself can be very relaxing and comfortable!
Orifices!
Sorry. Just wanted to say that word.
I think so long as you provide a warning to the neighbors about not lighting any matches, then you’ve done your duty 🙂
what to do when it happens…nice Info..
OMG at Jenngirls comment. funny and cantbelieveateacherwouldsaythat!
I say get a bullmastiff.
you can always blame him (WHICH I DO NOT BUT I THINK THE HUSBAND DOES) as that lovely drooly breed can clear a room—-and fast!
I find it frustrating that when you read a list of foods to avoid if you want to prevent gas, it’s almost the exact same list as foods you should eat because they’re really, really good for you. Broccoli, beans, onions, etc.
I know beano is supposed to help, but I’ve never noticed a difference.
I go with escape, or if not possible, denial, and hope that people around me think it’s the nearest guy. Somehow guys naturally seem more culpable.
BK refuses to fart in front of me. He claims it’ll gross me out, which is odd, because I have very few qualms about letting one rip in front of him.
Every couple of months though, I’ll hear one from him. My general tactic is to tell him I love him.
I had nick-named my last years of medical school, two years of bodily secretions! Now, thank you very much, I feel like it’s deja vu all over again this week on The Great Fitness Experiment 🙂
Too funny. I make it through the bikram breaking/removing wind pose without problems, but it’s the inversions which get me every time. (The girls-only gas expel, to complete the TMI.)
A couple years ago, Nickelodeon had a series of PSA style spoofs for kids on how to deal with embarrassing situations. The one which really stuck in memory, and made for many silly conversations with the kids was the spot on how to handle gas in classroom situations. My faves?
Dispersal – letting out tiny bits at a time during a walk across the classroom, so nobody can pinpoint the source.
Lining one’s pantseat with dryer sheets, turning gas into an opportunity to spread that fresh laundry smell.
I used to have bad gas pretty regularly. Then I went started eating Primal (a la Mark Sisson) and it went away.
We always blame it on the dog. Now, the fact that she weighs 19 pounds is what makes it funny. Yes, my hubby and I are like 6th grade boys.
I can’t eat broccoli (my favorite veggie). But, worse than the farting is the gas pain accompanied. I don’t have any good stories about me, but my mom and I were shopping and she let one go just as I bent down to grab something from an isle.Worst was that it wasn’t loud, so I knew by other means. Wowsers, that was just not nice! lol.
I’ve actually had to leave yoga class when I felt some gas might come to pass. I now make sure not to eat anything within two hours of doing the class, at least nothing involving broccoli, cabbage or soy. As for the girl-only gas, it’s not an issue for me, but I saw a South Park the other day where, of course, farts were hilarious, but these were considered obscene, disgusting, and absolutely inappropriate. The mom actually asked husband and son, if a boy baby farts in utero (hilarious), when does it become gross and nasty (the whole time, until it passes out of the woman). South Park is really funny sometimes.
That was hilarious! I’ve also had (and heard) a few incidents in Pilates classes.
But my worst is the library… For some reason I’m always overcome in the library! My preferred way of dealing with it is to let out only a little at a time, move to the next aisle and repeat…
This is such a fun read for a Friday! I also had to keep scrolling back up so I could stare at that dog and laugh!
You could always do what my cubicle mate does (yes, you read that right) – she lets it go and then she runs off. The other day she did it and it was so loud (sounded like a trumpet) that I jumped, then I spent the next hour trying not to laugh!
We have a dog, but my husband chooses to blame our petite little 10 pound girl kitty instead. He thinks he’s funny.
Marlys
No comment on the embarrassing emissions.
Ahem.
(And Crabby is SO right; Beano does NOTHING!!!!!!)
That being said, I do teach Happy baby pose in a lot of my classes. it’s always at the end of class, so people can clear out if anything happens.
I used to take Bikram yoga and got used to emissions. Thankfully, I never had to. I just couldn’t/wouldn’t in a group!
I had a jiu-jitsu teacher who would get all smiley and yell very loudly, “I pooped!” when he had to toot. Strange…
Soy will get me, too. And raw veggies. And MILK PRODUCTS!
I try to let out a little at a time. I save the best for my husband at home. If I’m overcome with the urge then, I don’t hold back! While my husband’s farts are much more rancid than mine, mine are much louder. I tell him it’s because my arse is so much smaller than his, yet with a higher volume of gas escaping.
Yoga isn’t too much of a trigger for me but running is. If I’m running with someone (an extreme rarity but it can happen) and fart, I joke that it’s just my turbo-charger going off.
Oh, that was you last week?!?! 😉
Great post, Char!
Oh my gosh! I almost wet myself reading this!! You are hilarious! I’m afraid I’d be one of the ones who breaks out in a fit of giggles too!! LOL.
TOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My body has trouble digesting everything even though I eat fiber & drink lots of water! Juts the way I am! So, I have this prob all the time & everywhere I go! In the gym, I am lucky to work out when not many people are there & not near me too so I am lucky that way.. I can just let it go! OUT, well, I try to escape from people but that is hard… OH WELL!
Loved this post & you just writing about things people hate to admit!
No happy baby, I’m wearing a skirt today, thanks!
I can’t remember if I’ve told this story before but it’s my most embarrassing fart story – forgive me if it’s a repeat.
When I was 10 I did acrosport (two person gymnastics, think cirque de soliel partner stuff but obviously less advanced) and our coach was SO CUTE. He picked me to demonstrate a move where I stood in a straddle, butt facing him, arms through my legs, and I flipped over twice and ended up in a handstand over his head. Or something like that. So he starts the move and in the air I RIP THE LOUDEST FART EVER. I completed the move, blushing lobster red, with the whole class laughing at me. Needless to say, I never got to demonstrate again….
Have a great weekend!
Thank you for your concern this morning, Charlotte. I’m trying to process everything.
Personally, I find running to be the worst offender for the expelling of gas. You get your bowels moving and your internal temperature sky rockets.
Oh, I am crying I am laughing so hard. I do kundalini yoga with a friend and it is sometimes so hard that there is much breaking wind. I have ended up laughing hysterically and unable to stop. I say, take it as it comes. Thanks for such a great post! And that picture!
jen
Boda weight loss Blog
I’m laughing my arse off over here. Being a highly gaseous woman myself, I’m often faced with the situations you mention and I think you’ve done the topic justice! I will say that farting during a spin class might be worse than letting one rip during yoga. While it’s generally not quiet in a cycle studio, there is absolutely no escape, no “dropping and dodging” as I like to call it. Plus the room usually gets really hot and the smell just sits there. Of course, I’d never do that during a spin class now would I? 😉
Ahaha, sometimes that occurs during crunches. My gym buddy and I were doing a bunch of core work and at one point she looked at me and said, “dude, you have to remember to breathe, because the gas doesn’t have anywhere to go if you don’t.” So remembering to breathe while we’re exercising can help!
Trigger: garlic.
My boyfriend likes to muse, “how can a smell so big come from a girl so small?”
Also, anyone ever heard of “ninja dust”? That would be when you pretend to scoop your gas particles and throw them at someone while shouting “ninja dust.”
I have yet to see anyone in my class do this pose without giggling! My yoga teacher calls this the “dead bug” or “happy baby” pose…except for one memorable class where she mixed the two up and ended up with “the dead baby pose”! Oops!
loved this post. here i thought i was the only one that suffered. it’s nice to know i’m in such great company and we all can appreciate the situation and laugh like hell when we tell each other!
btw, that photo was so funny i had to put it on my computer screen!
my funniest fart story happened to my best friend. i relate it because i have gas ALWAYs, and in a prior life as a consultant, who often found herself pitching presentations to corporate big wigs, i was always scared to death that i would fart during a presentation to a Corp General Counsel or CIO. No way to escape, no loud background noise to hide behind….
ok, that said, one day my BFF was at work, running some copies in a very congested part of the office. his gas pain was fierce, so he decided to duck into a dark conference room, fart, and go back to the xerox.
um, well the EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR was in the back of the dark conference room on the phone and shouted “good lord”!
we still wonder why my BFF never got a promotion : )
At the gym, I rely on really loud music to cover the sound of passing gas and if you can smell it over the sweat and funk, then I’m probably about to die anyway.
I agree with the earlier poster that Beano doesn’t work! I am also frustrated with “health” advice and flat belly dieters who tell us to avoid healthy foods because they may cause gas. According to GSK (manufacturer of Beano), darn near everything can cause gas. So just don’t eat, right?
You totally made my day with this! The dog kills me…those teeth!
BTW, I am one of those who blames it on my dog. He produces the smelliest gas I’ve ever encountered, so I’m always safe when he’s around 😉
the women’s-only farts can be a definite issue in happy baby and shoulder stands/plow. and though these aren’t odoriferous they can be rather loud. one time i had one happen in a yoga class and my first impulse was to say “don’t worry, it’s not the kind of fart you think so it won’t smell” but then I realized that wouldn’t really help matters at all so I just kept my mouth shut.
This happened to me in a martial arts/self defense class; the instructor was teaching us how to escape various holds by a would-be attacker. In this case, he would sit on our stomachs holding our hands down and we had to escape by thrusting hips upward hard and fast. Well, of course, this was at the end of class and no music was on. OMG, the upward thrust and the fact that the instructor was sitting on my stomach was a deadly combo. The noise was deafening. Luckily for me, everyone thought it was the instructor and politely ignored it… whew, dodged a bullet. Even so, I laugh-cried all the way home from embarrassment.
Okay, this may be the funniest blog post I've ever read. I was literally trying to hold in the hysterical laughter while reading this when I was supposed to be working that it produced tears. My co-workers must think I'm nuts…
I'm so glad you enjoyed it Heather! If I make one person's co-workers think they are nuts then my job here is done;)
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