Lest you missed the past 10 years, we now officially live in a culture of oversharing. Celebs talk about their rehab stints and fertility treatments in between questions from “serious” reporters about when they lost their virginity. And it isn’t just the rich and famous subjected to this treatment. I’ve had perfect strangers ask me how much I paid for my house (Zillow.com – the socially acceptable way to be invasive!), if I’m open to swinging (not the ballroom variety and no), and if my children all have the same father (yes, it’s their mother we’re not sure about – thanks to several of you for that zinger!). And of course I’ve asked my fair share of inappropriate questions.
One memorable occassion happened at – where else? – the gym. I was waiting for one of my favorite cardio classes to start when a woman approached me. I’d never spoken to her nor had I ever really even seen her before. “Excuse me,” she said, “but you have great breasts! Did you get them done or are they natural?” My shocked look only impelled her to continue, “I’m only asking because I’m thinking of getting mine done and yours are pretty much exactly what I want.” She was red. I was red. Turbo Jennie was laughing her butt off.
“Oh honey, you don’t need a plastic surgeon to get my chest,” I finally answered. “See Target sells this really nifty Champion sports bra. It has separate cups and just enough padding to keep everything pointed in the right direction. $16.99. I have one in every color.” True story: I love my padded sports bra. (Overshare!)
This scene was replayed the other day but on a much higher scale of embarassment as an acquaintance was grilled about her weight loss. You’ve all seen it go down; you know the drill. Someone loses a lot of weight pretty quickly and rumors start flying. Everyone wants to know her secret. Well, in this case, the woman finally admitted to having gastric bypass surgery. Reactions to her revelation were mixed. Some people were dismissive – “Oh, she took the easy way out” – even though it is generally known that despite the surgery one still has to diet and exercise. Others were intensely curious and pestered the poor woman with questions – “Did it hurt?” “How fast did you lose the weight?” “Do you have diarrhea all the time now?” “Do you have tons of loose skin?” “How much did it cost?” For her part, she seemed pretty open to discussing it.
The entire exchange wouldn’t have even seemed particularly remarkable to me except for the last comment someone made, after the woman was out of ear shot. “It’s a good thing she told us otherwise she’d have just been a liar like Starr Jones.” You all remember Ms. Jones, formerly of The View? Girl lost a ton of weight, almost overnight, and claimed for years that she did it with diet and exercise although all the signs and speculation pointed to surgery. She finally came clean with what everyone already knew earlier this year.
Dear Abby recently addressed the same issue in one of her collumns when a reader wrote in asking how to conceal the fact she’d just had gastric banding surgery. Responses from other readers were all over the map:
The disingenious: I, too, had lap band surgery a year ago. When folks comment on my weight loss, I say, “Isn’t it great? I feel fabulous!” When they ask how I lost the weight, I tell them that I eat less and exercise more. It’s the truth without going into details. — JILL IN IDAHO
The forthright: I was so excited about my gastric bypass surgery, I told anyone who would listen. Everyone was extremely supportive. Responses ranged from “Good for you!” to curiosity about the procedure. “Mini” has nothing to be ashamed of. And it’s not a sign of weakness or “taking the easy way out” because there’s nothing easy about weight-loss surgery. — MINIER-ME IN CALIFORNIA
The reluctant: Being open about the surgery and successful weight loss can inspire others as well as reinforce the positive changes she has introduced into her life. It turns out the folks I didn’t want to tell have become my biggest cheerleaders. — HAPPY LOSER IN KANSAS
The defensive: There is still enormous bias against overweight people, even from those who should know better. The perception is that the problem is a “lack of control.” There is also prejudice from these same folks against individuals who seek the lap band procedure because it is regarded as “taking the easy way out.” I understand why “Mini” would prefer to keep her procedure and adjustments private. One’s own body and eating habits are a private matter. If “Mini” wants to deflect negative speculation, she can say that she is worried about her health, has sought medical advice and is following her doctor’s plan to help her lose weight. Kudos to “Mini” for improving her health. Weight loss is always a struggle, and well-meaning people should not pass judgment or interfere. — MINI-ME SUPPORTER IN OAKLAND
So my question is, whether it’s Lindsay Lohan’s rumored Adderall abuse or your neighbor’s gastric surgery, is how people lose weight any of our business? On one hand, I’m as curious as the next girl. I like to know things. And it does change the game if a person has outside help with their weight loss whether via surgery or pills or even hypnosis. I don’t buy that losing weight with surgery is as hard as losing weight without it – as some people claim. If that were true then the surgery would be pointless. And if you’ve found something that helps, don’t you have a duty to share it with others? On the other hand, weight loss is so closely tied to body image which is an intensely private matter. Just because I want to know something doesn’t mean I have a right to know it. And also, what works for someone else may not work for me.
Your thoughts? Any of you had the surgery? Did you tell people about it or keep it to yourself? Any of you lose weight via a different method and felt compelled to keep it a secret?
This is a complicated one.. I guess I think people should be able to do what feels right for themselves but I also think that in many situations honesty is the best policy. However right now I’m not sharing the fact with most people I know, that I’m going to a personal trainer. 2 or 3 people that are close to me know but that’s it. Why? Because I know the reaction I will get from most of the others. It will either be “you must be losing loads of weight so” (as if it’s that easy!!) or they will be very critical telling me I don’t need to be doing that much exercise. I think what often happens is that people get annoyed with me because I’m exercising lots and eating well. Basically most of them are angry with themselves for not doing it too.
Does that make any sense ?!
oooh great post and I cant wait to read the comments.
In all arenas of my life I do not judge or care what others do (yes Im liberal mclibertarian).
As long is it isnt harming those who can not protect themselves I dont care.
curious? HELL YES.
Im nosy, but I really really try to resist asking (I love your face! is it new?).
I think the question of sharing should be totally up to the person whose body it is!
The fact that so many people apparently feel entitled to grill others on their appearance seems very odd to me. I was brought up to say something non-specific like “you look great” when there’s been a sudden change of appearance for the better, or maybe “how are things?” if they look awful and possibly ill. If someone wants to talk about what’s going on with their health, it’s then up to them to get specific or not.
I had a friend who had the surgery and felt very comfortable sharing details… it really was pretty fascinating and it worked well for her. But no, it didn’t sound “easy” in the least.
I find the whole “I just eat less and exercise more” really misleading. I would prefer someone saying something like “that’s my little secret” or something like that if they don’t want to share.
I had two relatives lose weight and I found out afterwords that they both were on diet pills. One type is actually banned and she got it over the internet.
They just pretended that it was all them and the easiest thing in the world.
Now on the one hand it’s nobodies business and on the other I think you just have to own up to it. At least to the people close to you.
I’m completely with CrazyLady on this one. It’s complicated and really up to the person, but everyone does “butt” in. I personally don’t like to talk about it at all with face to face people (haven’t had surgery, but I mean “just” exercise and eating better) as it’s really personal and there are many issues I’m struggling with. Besides, losing weight is the least of the accomplishements for me, yet the most important to others. I still haven’t resolved how to answer the questions though. But, it’s so different for everyone.
I agree that if you’re doing things that a normal person wouldn’t do (drinkng tons of coffee for breakfast and lunch, for example), I feel like you should be up-front about it.
I think that women in particular judge their bodies against the women they see fairly regularly, and if there’s a sudden change in another woman’s body (like if the woman loses weight), the other women around her get worried and upset, because the one who’s lost weight is making them feel bad about themselves.
I think that so many people struggle with this issue, and that they are looking for some magic formula that isn’t as hard as eat less, eat better, exercise more. If you lose weight, they are hoping you have the Answer.
We also live in an age where we know every detail of celebrities’ struggles with their weight and exercise routines and think, perhaps, we have a right to know as much about everyone. I really miss the days when allowing someone their privacy was considered just good manners!
cammi99
Way back in the olden days we used to have a filter as part of our make-up where we would think incredible things about another person, but would not verbalize. The use of the anonymous (they’ll never see me) internet has made many, and here I would start with 24 hour news services, drop that filter and allow any thought now to spill out of someone’s mouth. It could be about gastric bypass, hysterectomies, plastic surgery, Botox, down to someone that admires another’s breasts and wants a pair just like them. Someone deemed any and everything open to any discussion. It’s now like Pandora’s Box that once out, it cannot be stopped.
Would I want to know – yes.
Is it my business – no.
Sure I would be curious to know how somebody has lost weight but really, they are not obligated in any way to tell me. Since when is anything somebody else does, that truly has no impact on me whatsoever, any of my business?
When did we start feeling like we have a right to now someone’s personal business?
I don’t think it’s ever right to lie. Don’t tell me your doing Pilates when you’re really popping diet pills like they’re going out of style. A lie, no matter what, is never right. Instead, just say nothing – tell me you’ve just made some changes in your life and/or you’d rather not get into details.
I don’t think it’s anyone’s business how anyone loses weight. I’m quite overweight and one day a few months ago I just decided to buckle down and eat right and exercise, and I’ve lost 40 lbs. Not that it isn’t hard sometimes, but I’m not doing anything crazy. Everyone assumes I’m abusing diet pills or starving myself, and no one believes me when I say I just decided to change the way I eat and move, and that can be difficult to deal with. At the same time, I know that some of my friends ask because they are worried about my health, but it’s not like I’ve become a stick overnight, so it’s tiresome when people pry.
As long as we continue to judge people by what they weigh and how they look, the invasive questions will continue. My personal belief is that it is private, but also that public figures shouldn’t outright lie about it. I respect someone who says “It’s very personal, and I prefer not to discuss it.”
If someone is using pills not meant for weight loss as a weight loss tool, then SOMEONE who claims to care about that person should do something! Of course, they don’t, because they’ll lose their meal ticket.
Sorry if I’m cynical and dour. But we, as a society, have gotten so mean, judgemental, and invasive. We’ve become a nation of bullies.
As a surgeon, I guess I have a more global view on this stuff.
It’s not hard for me to look at people and tell if and what kind of surgery they have had.
I can do it over the Internet too when reading people’s comments, but then I am Dr. J 🙂
I recently ran into a husband and wife I hadn’t seen in years and complemented the husband on his weight loss. (He’d lost so much I almost didn’t recognize him.) Immediately his wife informed me that he’d had gastric bypass. I wasn’t sure why she was telling me — did she think his achievement required an asterisk, or did she just think it was an interesting tidbit of information?
If a friend were mentioning bypass surgery as something they were considering or doing, I have no problem listening. But, I really didn’t think it was appropriate to mention after the fact.
I wouldn’t ask the question, but I’d likely be curious. I don’t think I would judge anyone for choosing surgery – sometimes even when you are doing your best to eat right and exercise the weight won’t budge. For someone like me it’s frustrating. For someone who is seriously overweight, it could threaten their health. So, I wouldn’t judge, though I do think it should be a last resort.
I calorie-counted obsessively, every single day. And to make things easier for me, I often ate the exact same meals daily, including oatmeal (cooked with water) for dinner.
To this day, I still have oatmeal or high-fiber cereal for dinner 95% of the time. It’s a little embarrassing (my husband has blurted this fact out during social gatherings before…ye gods) but you know what? It works for me. I have GERD and if I eat a normal meal for dinner, I regurgitate it all night long. I balance things out by eating a big breakfast and lunch….split up over several meals!
I did stop the calorie counting last year. It was getting way out of hand.
I think if someone told me they’d had gastric bypass surgery my number one question would be something along the lines of, “Are you getting some sort of counseling?” I don’t mean that in a catty way at all, I just know how often these folks transfer one addiction (overeating) to another (alcoholism, gambling, kitten juggling) and I’d want to make sure they were getting the emotional help they needed.
Is it any of my business how someone is losing weight? No, but I’m also a curious girl!
Simply put – no, your gastric bypass surgery is not any of my business unless you want to share it with me. I’m the first to admit that I’m curious about things, but I’ve been in the position many times where people have wanted to get information from me that I couldn’t/didn’t want to share. And I’m really a sharer!
And y’know, I think everyone has the right to their privacy at any level they wish to keep it at – might my feelings get hurt if it’s a close family member/friend/etc? Sure. But that doesn’t take away their right.
And at 265 lbs, gastric wasn’t the option for me, but the thought had at least casually crossed my mind.
I think whatever a person wants to do & share is up to them. If it makes them feel better than more power to them!
Yes, if I was interested in having the same procedure, I would be curious for sure! I would want to ask but I let people tell me if they want to tell me.
Hey, if I had the money, I would probably try to fix this face up a bit & might think about some boobs since mine are pretty dang small due to less body fat but they still hang south due to age (I know, TMI!!!) Others may not agree with that but I work hard for the body so why not make the face & boobs look a bit better.. nothing drastic, just better.
Anyway, up to them whether they want to do it & share it.
it drives me crazy that people think that have the right ask about someone’s weight (loss or gain). If I volunteer it, thats one thing, but otherwise it’s not much of your business. The obvious exception being if someone is dangerously underweight or overweight.
I don’t judge those who have the surgery, I understand it’s still takes work to lose the weight. And like any health information it should be completely up to the person to tell or not. Example: I have a few scars on my body and they’re fairly clearly surgery scars, from having malignant moles removed, it’s my business if I want to share why these scars exist. Same for the woman with Gastric bypass surgery.
If I notice someone who has lost a lot of weight, I usually say something like, “Wow, you look great!” If they just accept the compliment I let it go, if they start to talk about how they did it, I ask follow-up questions. I’m curious also. 🙂
I want to complain about people who ask me whether my hair color is real! I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “I love your hair color. Is it natural?” Why in the world does anyone need to know that? The question is never followed up with “…because I want my hair to be that color, so I’d like to know if/what hair coloring you’re using.” It’s just nosiness. At least boob girl had a REASON for the question!
I’m with Crabby and Tom. The comment, “You look great!” is plenty, and makes use of that mental filter. I’ve lost (and gained) weight at different times over the years, in different amounts, using different methods (some healthy, some not so much).
These days, if someone asks me straight out if I’ve lost weight, I look at them oddly and laughingly say, “Wow, that’s a really personal question!” Most people get the hint. If they push, I tell them straight out that I’d rather not talk about it. I say it nicely but firmly, and almost everyone respects that.
(One time in college, someone kept pushing and pushing and pushing, and I finally snapped. I said angrily – and truthfully – that I had cut my calorie intake back to (x) numbers per day and was working out for several hours. I finished by snapping sarcastically that my eating disorder had taken over my life, but that hey, at least I was thin. The irony of course was that I DID have an ED, but didn’t really think I did. It was just the most shocking thing I could think of to say. *smiles wryly*)
I never think of Gastric BS as taking the easy way out, I instead think of it as the FOOLISH way out. Once any part of the GI tract is messed with you are asking for trouble. It is a delicate environment down there, and it can never fully recover from something like GPS. The domino effect starts from there. I will bet there will be many problems in the future because of all these GB operations. Sheesh! Stop tampering with nature. Leave it alone. Let it do what it is supposed to do. If not then be prepared to pay the price.
I had no idea you could buy padded sports bras.
I really need a new one anyway….
🙂
Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied oon thhe video to make
your point. You clearly know what youre talking about, why throw
awawy your intelligence on just posting videos to your blog when you
could bee giving us something informative to read?