This would also be good reason for a freak-out.And now for an interruption in our regularly scheduled programming (I owe you a dissertation on poo, I know.) The following is an announcement from the Emergency Charlotte Broadcast System. This is not a test. I repeat, this is not a test. (And it’s not a Thursday re-run today either.)
So I had my first official meltdown of this pregnancy today. Truth to be told I’ve been building up to it for a while now. A lot of you in the past have asked me how a girl with an eating disorder history and serious body image issues handles pregnancy and I’ve answered truthfully that each pregnancy was different. The second and fourth ones were pretty blissful. The third one was a nightmare. This one, it appears, is going to be rocky. I went into it a tad blithely as my last pregnancy (with my 3rd son) was pretty good in this respect. And it helped that I didn’t gain much weight – about 25 pounds – and so even up until the end people were still telling me I looked small.
I naively thought this time around would be the same. But it isn’t. Right away I gained 10 pounds which freaked me out. And I’ve continued to gain weight steadily to the point where I now have a very pregnant belly. I’m still not wearing maternity clothes but that’s only out of sheer stubbornness.
Back to this morning. For months now, I’ve been complaining to my long-suffering husband that I’m gaining weight much faster than the last go around and for months he’s been dismissive. But this morning my dear one rolled over and looked at me and said, “You know, you’re right. You are getting a lot bigger a lot faster.” Now before you think him hugely insensitive, this is the man who rubs my back every day and brings me popsicles and even cleaned up the mess when our 5-year-old decided that pooping in the wastebasket would be “funner” than using the toilet. Apparently the walls, floor, rug and doorknob were also “funner.” Besides, my husband was only telling the truth. Seeing my distraught look he quickly added, “But I still love you!”
That’s all it took to send me into a tailspin. After he left for work, I cried. Then cried some more after I got the older two on the school bus. And then took a nap and cried a bit more. The worst part? I can’t figure out why I care. So what if I am bigger? (And no it’s not twins, they checked.) The baby is healthy by all accounts. I’m healthy – at least physically, mentally may be another story. Isn’t that all a mom can ask for? Why is my body shape and size so important to me?
After mulling this over all day between eating half a watermelon unassisted and a few crying jags, the best answer I could come up with was, “I always have.” For as long as I can remember I have always, always cared what I weighed and what I looked like. It wasn’t a case of vanity. I’ve never been conventionally pretty. I clean up all right but I’m no beauty. On the rare occasions that men have been overtly attracted to me (and not just using me as a pawn in their power games) they’ve been more drawn to other aspects of me. Which is good because pretty doesn’t last and blah, blah, blah. Perhaps that’s part of why I care so much – I can’t make myself pretty but I sure can make myself thin! But that still doesn’t answer the question of why my appearance in general is so important to me.
Another reason that partly explains why being thin is so important to me is that especially for women, beauty is power. When you are pretty – or at least thin – not only do people treat you better but they find you smarter and more trustworthy and credible and funny. All without really knowing anything about you. Think of all the women in our society who are successful in realms not directly dealing with appearance (so exclude models, actresses, etc.). Now think of how we talk about them. Michelle Obama is one of the most visible and prominent first ladies of our time; she has a law degree; she is the mother to two bright daughters. What do we hear most about her? What designer she is wearing or how she got her sculpted arms or even Iman calling her unbeautiful. Condoleeza Rice? Secretary of State, shemecretary – did you know she has designer taste in boots? And had time to fit in Parisian shopping trips between trips to the UN? Even Hillary Clinton who has worked very hard to not make her looks an issue was first acclaimed for her prettiness and then pilloried for “letting” herself age. We women even use it against each other. We can do everything right but still not be “successful” unless we’re thin.
But that still doesn’t explain why I have let myself get sucked into this cultural nonsense. Until I hit on this idea: I’m a people pleaser. And one of the fastest and easiest ways to please someone is to conform to their standard of beauty. So if people like me more when I’m thinner and prettier, then that means they will like me less as I get bigger and therefore uglier. When you look at it from the perspective of being loved – after all, isn’t that what we all want? – then it seems very clear why this issue is so soul destroying for me. I can’t help that I’m getting fatter. I eat healthy. I exercise every day. My body is doing what it needs to, I suppose. Which means to me that people – the people I care most about – won’t love me anymore and there isn’t anything I can do about it. And since I seem to have no self-esteem, then I won’t love myself either. Seen from this light, restricting food actually seems like the lesser of the evils. Lose the love and respect of those around me or just lose the food? The answer is easy now. And scary.
See? Depressing.
In all fairness, I think that most of my friends and family will strongly object to my, frankly brutal, assessment of the capricious and shallow nature of their love. After all, that is quite insulting to them, is it not? And yet, I’ve seen this born out in my life before. I don’t think it’s a conscious thing – nobody actually cogitates “Huh, Charlotte’s not as cute anymore therefore I like her less.” – but some people do pull away from me the less I please them. Not everyone. But some will. Although I suppose it could be a self-fulfilling prophecy as well. I expect people to love me less so I pre-emptively pull away from them thereby making my own worst fear come true.
I do realize that the problem, regardless of what other people do, is ultimately in my own head.
Doesn’t the child that I’m doing this all for deserve a mother who can teach him – or, heaven help me, her – that they are lovable just by their very existence? I certainly believe that about my children already here. I would never love them any less no matter what they look like. So why can’t I love myself that way?
I hate it when I get self indulgent like this.
Image credit: Natalie Dee
It’s so strange that you would write this because I had a sort of epiphany last night. My whole life I’ve been on the verge of fat. Never truly the type of person that people notice because of their weight, good or bad, but always overweight. I’ve always hated shopping for clothes because I wanted to look like people in magazines when I looked in the mirror, and I sooo did not. However, last night I was standing in my bedroom getting ready for bed and this incredibly cogent thought popped into my head. I looked at myself in the mirror and a voice inside my head said, and I’m paraphrasing, “Girl, you’ve had 4 children in 7 years, your last is not even 2, you’ve been an incubator and a milk cow for a total of 77 months, but look at you. You’re strong, healthy, and you don’t look any worse for the wear.” Now, it was strange because it truly was like a voice in my head that I have NEVER heard. I’ve always wanted to be something more than I am, and I think last night I finally realized, I’m pretty darn okay just the way I am.
I hope the my little voice finds it’s way into your head too, because girlfriend, life is way too short to keep trying to live up to everyone else’s /no one’s else’s standards.
I’m too tired (just got off work) to leave a rational, coherent comment. Can I leave a vaguely mumbled incoherently supportive comment instead?
mumble, mumble, you’re a /good/ person whether other people are pleased or not, mumble, mumble
You are not being self indulgent!!!! Pregnancy is hard! How many people would take a pill with all the side effects of pregnancy? Could you imagine…this pill will cause (not may cause): nausea, vomiting, weight gain, bladder problems, water retention, raging hormones, stretch marks, etc, etc. And add to it that the result won’t happen for 9 months. I would love to see an ad try to sell that one!
The only thing that makes it at all worth it is that beautiful baby. And I say that as a woman who has had three babies and never really liked being pregnant. I love the result, not the process (during which I gained 50 lbs with each kid).
Be kind to yourself girl! {Hugs}
Charlotte,
Being a veteran mommy like you are, I’m guessing you have heard this one before, but I’m going to remind you:
If you gain 30 pounds during pregnancy, on average (by the end obviously):
7.5-8.5 lbs is the fetus
7.5 lbs protein and fat gain
4 lbs blood
2.7 lbs tissue fluids
2 lbs uterus expansion
1.8 lbs amniotic fluid
1.5 lbs placenta and umbilical cord
1.0 breasts
________________________________________________________________
28-29 pounds
Some women retain additional fluid during pregnancy too. Just because you are pregnant does not mean you are getting “fat” by any definition. In fact, even by society’s messed up standard, this is a free pass to not have to worry about those standards. No one expects a pregnant lady to be tiny!
That said I think you ARE very pretty and you are selling yourself short in that department. But I definitely understand the body image issues– I’ve got those too. Hang in there lady– I think you are fabulous!
Oh Charlotte, I just started reading your blog a couple of days ago and I remember seeing your picture on the page and thinking “She is so pretty! I’m so jealous!” You’re selling yourself short. You are beautiful and not just because you’re thin.
Ive read and reread this as I really hoped I could come up with a THIS IS WHY AND THIS IS HOW even though I knew I wouldnt.
It breaks my heart that youve a husband who sees it (ok, dude is amazing. 3 bigbig cheers for Mr.GFE) children whom I know think youre the bee's knees, other women who watch what you juggle & do and your talents and humor all encased in a (YesIShallSayIt) beautiful vessel and yet you dont see it in yourself.
pregnant or not.
pregnancy hormones and weight gain aside I want you to catch a glimpse of how others see you—-even if just for a day.
I think youd be amazed.
At what we see and by how it all feels.
hope this makes sense…
I feel so torn here! I totally want to reassure you of what we all see that you can’t–how pretty you are–and also remind you that the gain is natural, temporary, blah blah blah.
But you KNOW that.
And you would still be a beautiful person even if you were big and “ugly.” Or if you got in some horrible accident and became disfigured. But you’re right, other people might react to you differently even if you were the same on the inside.
But like you said…societal standards of beauty are such that it’s a game you can’t play and win forever, even for those who are conventionally pretty. Women get older, and our culture doesn’t approve of that. So I think eventually every woman has to face not pleasing people with her looks–some of us earlier than others.
I think it’s natural to seek love and approval! But it’s so hard in our culture not to fix on the superficial ways of doing it–boys with their paychecks and girls with their beautiful faces and figures. But everything around us says that’s what we should be focusing on! Good for you for questioning that and being honest about your struggle.
I actually think you are very traditionally beautiful, and if I probably saw you walking down the street with your belly and skinny little everything I’d probably give you an inward glare and thing “great, another pregnant woman whose legs are skinnier than mine will ever be.”
I think women cling to being physically pleasing because we want to be loved. And pretty people are viewed as more loveable — people gravitate to them. Heck, I read a study where attractive babies were held by their parents more than unattractive babies. I think the evolutionary part of our brains recognizes that being pretty gives us a competitive edge when seeking mates and supportive relationships.
How to shut that part of our brain off as we age is something I’d love to know. Because, of course, human love is supposed to work differently than just primal urges to seek out physical beauty. For me, I have to remind myself that the little extras that come with being pretty are really shallow affections — it’s not real love. It’s not love that would hold my hand if all my hair fell out during chemo or if I pooped during childbirth.
Charlotte, relax. Pregnancy is a pass on how you look. The fact that you’re being physically healthy and active despite the morning sickness and need to pee and everything is huge.
Have you read “Beautiful People Have More Daughters”? It looks at the obsession with the blonde bombshell from an evolutionary psych perspective. It all boils down to men wanting women who will bear their children (which you’re doing).
wow, this kind of blog makes me really stop and think, ‘how will I react when I get pregnant?” I know it can be so so hard for many women with past EDs, but for others, it can be fabulous and relieving and freeing. I am hoping for the latter and it sounds like two of your pregnancies were, too. Have you thought about seeing a therapist or trying medication? SO many of my friends were on Zoloft while preggers for anxiety, depression, etc – it’s safe and a happy mother is the most important thing for a healthy baby. As for you, I hope writing this was cathartic and let you purge some of your demons, and that seeing how much your readers/friends love you makes you feel as good as you deserve to feel.
I think Mizfit said it best! The fact that you lay it all out there for us to dissect makes you even more beautiful – and you ARE beautiful!
Let’s play “worst case scenario”.
Suppose you gain 100 pounds during your pregnancy. Suppose you’re a freak of nature and give birth, and you still have a net gain of 90 pounds of fat.
So freakin’ what? As a person who already has a good base of physical conditioning and healthful eating habits, it’s only the last 5 or 10 pounds that will give you fits. The rest of it is gonna fly off in record time.
And you do realize there’s no way you’re gonna gain 100 pounds of fat. You probably couldn’t do it if you tried.
Wanted to add one more thing…please be gentle with yourself. *HUGS TO YOU*
A few things – but a LONG comment – sorry! 🙂
First, can you talk to that part of yourself that feels that way? I mean, really think of it as the product of some faulty wiring in your brain somewhere, and sort of disown your personal connection to it? Sometimes if I can do that, I can sidestep the emotional impact of it all. I can literally say to myself, “Ok, Marste, you feel like crap, but you know you’re not. So that feeling is nothing but a crossed wire somewhere, and as such, it has no validity. A tripped circuit breaker does NOT mean the house is on fire.” It still sucks to feel that way, but at least it becomes a LOT easier not to give the feeling any weight (har har).
Second, can you get mad? When I have a really hard time, I drag out my copy of “The Beauty Myth” by Naomi Wolf and read the chapter that’s most applicable to my frame of mind (I’m thinking “Hunger” is the chapter you want). She’s so passionate about her subject and so ANGRY about it, that I get riled up, too. I sort of feed off of her anger, and lean on that feeling to keep me sane. It gives me sort of a pseudo-strength, but it’s usually enough to help me fight back against whatever people-pleasing stuff I’m hurting myself with. I find myself thinking, “I shouldn’t eat that, because I’ll get fat,” and the immediate response in my brain becomes, “F*** THAT!! Who decides that? I can eat what I want! I will not let other people tell me what to do!” It’s not a MATURE reaction, but it’s helpful in mental-emergency situations.
Third: head over to Big Fat Deal or Shapely Prose and read some of their stuff. I don’t always agree with what they write, but it’s reassuring to see self-professed fat women out there living their lives, falling in love, getting married, going to the gym, wearing cute clothes, etc. It’s a good reminder that my weight doesn’t matter as much as I think it does. You might also check out Rachel’s blog, “The F-Word: Food, Fat, Feminism,” which is an eating disorder recovery blog, as well as a body-acceptance (as opposed to fat-acceptance) blog.
Finally, a therapist a long time ago had me list 3 things every day that I liked about my body. I had to write them down, and (this is key) I couldn’t use the same thing more than once a week. I won’t lie, toward the end of the first (and then second) week, I was in tears because I couldn’t think of anything – and I’m not sure which was worse, not being able to think of anything, or REALIZING that I didn’t even like 21 things about my body, but after that it got easier. And a few weeks after THAT the crazy voice got a LOT quieter.
I hope you manage ok, Charlotte. Because I know that it won’t matter how much other people tell you you’re gorgeous (you are, you know) if you straight-up don’t believe them. *hugs* though. Hang in there.
First thing – My Mom birthed 5 babies (sadly, baby #3 only lived for 1 week). The first two babies (myself and one of my sisters) were quite small. The last 3 were much bigger. Who knows why? I’ve never had any babies myself, but from what I’ve heard each pregnancy is different. You are not fat. You are growing a baby.
Second – about the people pleaser thing. I am one of those too. It’s exhausting, but I don’t know how one can turn it off.
Your post got me thinking though – how does one not worry about these things? My husband has said that from the moment he saw me, he decided he wanted to get to know me. That was a decision based solely on what he saw. So how can it not bother me that 14 years later my looks are changing?
Yes that’s silly. What I looked like would not have been enough had he not liked the rest of me once he got to know me. And maybe I have aged and put on weight over the years, but so has he. We’re changing together. But I can’t help it. I want to look like my 25 year old self. No matter how impossible that might be. I hope that one of these days I do learn to let go of that.
Wow! This is insightful. It’s something I’ve been thinking about over the past month.
I know other people will love me if I get bigger, but will I love me? That’s tough! I’ve gotten a lot of credit over the past 15 years for being thin/skinny/tiny and that has become wrapped up in my identity. Now I’m spreading and sagging– the joys of middle age and having had babies. And I’m struggling not to fall into full-blown crisis over it.
Thanks for your insights and your brutal honesty.
I think we ALL needed it!
As a former chubby girl (I still find it so hard to say I was . . . gulp . . . fat) I am forever obsessing over being thin and not ever gaining weight so that I am big again. It was horrid being the big girl and I never, ever want to go back there.
And not that you can go by kids, because they can be cruel – but I do feel like life is better being thin. And I get treated better.
I like being thin now because when I was big I was never accepted. Now I am. It’s probably not because of my size – but in my head, it is.
I can’t even imagine having a baby – it freaks me out thinking about getting bigger. Rationally, I know it’s for a baby and it’s normal – still gives me pause though.
So while I not preggers, I do sort of know where you’re coming from. And while I am in a much better place now than I used to be, I sadly have no advice on fixing the messed up mentality of it all.
That said, I do think you are very pretty. Like somebody else said, I saw your picture and my first thought was “wow, she is really pretty!” And yes, I got totally jealous of you. Not that saying that will change your mind – but just remember that we’re always way harder on ourselves. Your vision of yourself is clouded by your thoughts and emotions.
You are lovely, from head to toe! And pregnant means weight gain – don’t freak out! It’s normal. You’re going to have a beautiful baby soon and your body will return to its former size.
Big hugs! 🙂
I don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant, and I can only imagine what it does to your emotions/hormones/mental outlook/etc. BUT I will tell you something I’ve had to learn the hard way: No one wants to hear a person disparage him or herself. Especially if it’s a loved one.
I’d hazard a guess that the reason you feel people pull away from you when you aren’t “cute” anymore is because you are fixated on it, and they don’t want to hear about it.
I know that’s harsh, but I say it because I’ve been there, and I still struggle with it. I want to go on and on to my husband about how fat and unattractive I am, and he’ll just ignore it. I finally realized how it must sound to him. Would he ever let another person call me fat and unattractive? No! So how much worse is it coming from someone he loves?
I guess this is a long way of saying I don’t think people dislike you more when you gain weight, etc, but they may be put off by your attitude… People do like you for who you are, no matter what you look like. Period.
It will be alright, Charlotte!
How many babies are you carrying?
Just started reading your blog a few days ago. My printer is smoking from printing all the archives. You are a hoot Charlotte! All will be well in a few months when you hold that beautiful little squirming baby!
Charlotte – Let me take a snippet from the movie Moonlight “snap out of it”.
Guess what? I think you’re hot! You can grow as large as possible and I’d still think that. Anyone that can explain their feeling in writing like you do is absolutely beautiful to me.
Here’s another little tidbit to get you through the day; your husband thinks you’re hot too. He adores you for being you. Popsicles and backrubs, there’s many that would kill for this attention. As partners you will soon bring this wonderful baby you both created in the world and love him or her as much as you can. I think you’re confusing neglect with being adored right now. Relish the belly and the life you’re creating and stop comparing yourself to Joseph Merrick.
Ah, our own psyches: sometimes they are our own worst enemies!
You’ve really hit it right on the head. We feel we’re not worthy of love if we’re not thin, young and beautiful. And lately our society has been equating pregnancy with fat. (200 years ago pregnant women were forced into hiding once they began to show, lest others look at her and think of sex. These days pregnant women are sent into hiding lest others look at her and see *gasp* swollen ankles!)
You are beautiful, talented, compassionate, and AMAZING. This is your 5th(?) pregnancy, and your body will show that. The people who really love you will do so no matter what. And they will be extra supportive now, because of your “delicate condition.” (BTW, who the hell made up THAT phrase? Must have been a man. ‘Cause pregnancy ain’t DELICATE!!!!!)
Now that you have had this revelation, maybe you can begin to heal. And your kids will know, as they grow older, just how kick-butt their mom is, and how much she had to overcome!
Charlotte, I remember the first time I read your blog & said, man she is pretty! I think we all sell ourselves short in some way. I really liked your post & I have feelings like yours & not even pregnant!!!!! The fat as a kid & teased that never seems to go away leaving us with inferiorities & feelings that we will never be enough. I think that is why my physical fitness is so important to me beyond the health part. I have a way of controlling something to a certain extent.. age is testing me on that. Like you, seeing that beauty can get you places & non-beauty can halt certain dreams & just the complicated mess it plays with our minds!
I just think you are one talented person not only in looks & as a mom as I can read.. but man, you are one heck of a writer!!!!!!
First, I love Miz and Crabby's comments.
Second, I want to shake you and throw D&C 18:10 your way (sorry for the obscure religious mostly unknown reference). There are no qualifiers there. It's easier with our own children to just *know* they have inherent worth. Regardless of whether or not they are people pleasers or know it themselves. We, as their parents, see their real value. I know it's trickier to feel that way about ourselves. But aren't we all children? 😉
Third, having said that, I'm pretty sure I have gained more this pregnancy than with the other ones. (I say pretty sure because I only get on the scale at the dr's office and have them tell me if there's anything alarming about my weight gain) Still. It bugs. I've been nauseous/throwing up for six months. When food started to look appealing again, I ate. So sue me. How is it that with the pregnancy where I'm the sickest I gain the most weight? C'MON. Give a girl a break! But no, my body has grasped onto every last calorie it could. Despite my efforts, I have still gained more than I technically "should" have. And it bugs the CRAP out of me. So there you go! I know how you feel, I think I struggle with a little of the same thing, but the part of me that's fighting it in myself wants to fight it for you, too.
And lastly I just want to say, it's so healthy to look at these issues. I think your honesty will be a catalyst for long-term healing.
Hey. I had a baby 8 mos ago and realized just a few weeks ago that I was depressed through most of my pregnancy and it continued right on through until just a few weeks ago. I didn’t think it was depression; it totally snuck up on me and I thought my hormones were just out of whack. I felt like myself, only way more critical and concerned about my weight and appearance and just basically feeling completely out of control. Maybe you should check in with your ob/gyn? Just a thought.
My blog, fwiw, is runhlrun.blogspot.com (not in my profile).
Take care.
I think your mirror is broken.
But, otherwise you have a very good point on pretty and thin being more accepted/liked.
I’d love you plump and dimpled. 🙂
I’m thinking about another baby- I gain kind of a lot of weight and since I’ve gotten in pretty good shape- the thought of gaining 40 pounds is scary.
How to be healthy while pregnant- not gaining too much or too little weight is hard to figure out (for me).
For what it’s worth, the prego pics I saw of you awhile back- you’re tiny. I looked bigger last night after I ate too much and had gas. 🙂
I think you hit the nail on the head – it’s all about our need to be loved. I’m not sure it’s about the people closest to us though, at least in my case I don’t think they care that much, but rather about people I don’t know very well but who I want to accept me. The problem is that it is such a deep rooted idea that I have no idea how to get rid of it. It’s impossible to challenge because it seems like an absolute truth that attractive/slim people are admired. Awareness helps a lot, but perhaps some CBT is needed?
I feel the same way when I’m pregnant. Heck, I feel the same way when I am not pregnant! I keep telling myself I have got to figure out what’s going on in my head before my little girls get old enough to catch on.
Charlotte,
I got huge with my 3rd baby–5’3 and 200 lbs. I was not cute, I did not glow, I had to wear flip-flops to work because my feet were too swollen to wear shoes. That baby is 21 now and in college, and all of that is a beautiful memory, honest! I look back on that swollen (yes, fat) person with love, and her beauty brings tears to my eyes.
It will happen to you, too.
Cammi99
Charlotte, I hadn’t thought about it that way before today. I am sooo very much like you in that I want to please people and I really want them to like me.
If I gain three pounds I see it as gaining thirty and I get so down on myself, it’s not funny.
People assume that I am naturally thin and that I don’t give it a second thought. True that I do tend towards a slender body but I weigh myself everyday!
Pregnancy is a time to let go of those worries. I guarantee you that you will be back to your slender self after this beautiful baby is born. I gained 58 lbs with my daughter and lost it all within another nine months.
You are beautiful, inside and out and you always will be.
Hey, we had simulaneous freak outs with our nearly simultaneous pregnancies!
Why in the world can our hormone laden brains not introduce the logical thoughts to the emotional B.S.???? I know my emotions are getting carried away, I know that there are good explanations for it all, but some how it just doesn’t pan out.
I had an early glucose screening today for gestational diabetes and failed big time, nevermind I lost 30pounds before becoming pregnant, have gained only 1 pound so far, eat pretty clean, and exercise 5 days a week.
Sucks. But whatever it takes to get a healthy baby. My key words for today and the days to come: Perspective and endurance. Just a blip on the radar screen of life.
Hugs to you.
Wow, I need to be more careful about what I say in the morning….
Seriously though, I’ve always thought that physical beauty increased the more I got to know a person and liked their personality, intelligence and sense of humor.
I have a feeling that in 10 years or so when your all done having children 🙂 that you will look back and seriously miss having the cute pregnant belly. You will miss these feelings of life inside of you and you will feel even more proud of the sacrifices you’ve gone through to give your babies the best start possible. Please just enjoy it while you have it.
Besides most girls I know would love to be you- you are one of the few who can pull off cute preggo and wear stylish dresses with nonfunctional boots.
I’m siding with your self-fulfilling prophecy theory. I know that I can get like that sometimes and when I feel worse about myself I put out a vibe that makes other people think that to. It can be non-verbal clues as well as just self-depreciating humor, but it sets a tone.
“You can be happy or you can be upset. It’s your choice because the amount of effort is the same.”
I also gained 10 lbs right off the bat with this pregnancy. Actually, I gained it when I went off birth control pills in anticipation of trying to get pregnant, and I’m still holding onto it. And so far I’ve been far too concerned with how much weight I’m gaining… I’m trying to make myself forget about it and eat intuitively to feed the baby what he/she wants… I’m just already worried about the struggle to get the baby weight off… PS: We don’t get fat during pregnancy! it’s all baby! (that’s what I tell myself)
One thing I’ve always admired about you is your strength. Nevermind that you’re beautiful and kind, and a wonderful person, you are strong. I know that you are a good mother, and that you are always selling yourself short in that respect. You are one of the strongest people I know! All that you’ve gone through and endured, and look at you! You’ve turned it all around, you’ve become the hero of your own story!! I don’t know one person that has met you and walked away with a single negative thing to say about you. You’re a good person and I know that you have it in you to get through days like this. You do too. I’m glad that you could say all this out-loud though. It helps people like me, who are not quite so strong or vocal about it, to know that our own thoughts and feelings are shared even by the best kind of people. I love you and think you are beautiful inside and out. It’s hard to see our bodies stretched out and swollen when we’ve worked so hard to not let that happen. I know I’ve felt less than beautiful more than once in my pregnancies as I watch the stretch marks appear and the weight pile on. It will all pass and you’ll be back to your tiny self in no time. The weight literally falls off of you!! (my own personal jealousy!)
You’re the best and I hope you know that we’d love you no matter what you look like!! 🙂
As someone looking in from the outside – of COURSE you’re the same person you were months ago. In our heads though – I know it gets twisted.
I like to think I do what I do and I don’t give a flying fig what anyone thinks about me, but I have my own insecurities there. When I was really heavy, I didn’t really want to see old friends that hadn’t seen me in years, I skipped my high school reunion (for many reasons, but that’s one), and I just sort of shut myself away from being super social (which is SO NOT ME) because I didn’t like how I looked and didn’t want to show myself to people I guess?
So I feel ya. I probably missed out on some cool stuff, but at least in retrospect I can understand WHY I did it. For a long time I just thought I was becoming antisocial for no reason.
Febreeze Jelly beans didn't make it!!!!!!!!??????????? :<
I wrote a post about body image a week or two ago. I’ve noticed that I tend to write one every few months or so. Sometimes I think it’s a tired subject and maybe people don’t want to hear me yammering on about it anymore…but then I notice that I tend to get more comments on those posts than others. Funny how that works.
No matter how comfortable I am with my body, and no matter how much better I feel — I’m convinced that negative body thoughts never go away completely. We’re going to have those bad moments, but then we’re going to pull ourselves up and go on. You’re beautiful, Charlotte, and you’re carrying a baby, and you know all of this already. Keep on keeping on. You’ll be fine. 🙂
I've had my share of anorexia, and honestly, I'm only a teenager, but I'm intrigued by your blog and I like it for it's deepness.
I've always been pretty and I acknowledge this fact, but the reason I was so into beauty was because my low self esteem. And that was because of my mother insulting my flaws, and never remarking on anything good about me (that i can remember.) so i had this philosophy in the back of my head that was subconscious, if I was not perfect I was not worthy of self confidence.
so i did everything in my power to make my skin perfect, my body thin, and my face as adorable as it could be. i watched all the youtube videos, subscribed to all makeup gurus, bought every issue of cosmogirl, health, fitness, allure, cosmopolitan, and seventeen magazine, and invested from maybelline to makeup.
this happened in the course of i think a year.
then i realized i was not satisfied with my breasts and butt. my breasts and butt were fine for a slim girl, but I've seen better in magazines. So i decided, if i was not perfect i that aspect, I would make up for it in slimness.
and I did it, but I wasn't happy. I realized it was bad for me, and I gained more weight, but i took it lying down. Then I got into it again. And my dad just took it lying down, he said it was fine to do it after i'd finish doing my growing up (im short) so it made me feel like "he thinks I could actually stand to lose pounds?"
i will always have problems with self esteem, how others percieve me, and my appearance. And I will never rid of the thought that if I am not perfect I am not worthy of confidence.
but i'd just like to let you read of why I experience anorexia, I thought it was just because a skinnier girl than I who constantly diets told my fat friend that I had chunky legs and she didn't. i mourned for that so much, but now i think it's because of my mother too.
i always wondered what caused my self esteem, but after thinking about it after this entry, i realize now sometimes its someone elses fault for you're flaws (my way of realizing its not my fault. as you can see, my if its not one thing its the other idea is versatile)
Oh Jenny! I'm so sorry to hear about your body image struggles. I hope you are getting some help for your eating disorder. You are so very young – there's time for you to pull out of this yet! You can do it, girl:)
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