Pee. Sweat. All kinds of gaseous emissions. We’ve covered a lot of embarrassing stuff on here the past week. We giggled, we shared our worst moments and I unwittingly earned the privilege of having everyone in Turbokick ask me if I’ve had any soy that day before they’ll stand next to me – every single class (answer: no, I learned my lesson thankyouverymuch). But there are a few odds and ends we haven’t talked about yet, bodily functions that while still potentially humiliating in a fitness setting aren’t common enough to warrant their own post. So, enjoy one last ride on the gross-out-mobile.
Blood
There are really only two ways to bleed out while working out (okay, there’s three if you watch a lot of C.S.I. but you only have to worry about that way if you have a chimera twin, an enemy in the mafia or are Marg Helgenberger’s asexually produced spawn.) Basically you’ve got an accident of some type like a ripped-off fingernail in a basketball game, a scraped knee from stepping into a pothole or a bloody nose from punching yourself in the face during kickboxing class (done all three!) Or you’re a menstruating woman. The former is easier to fix, both your skin and your ego, than the latter.
If you’ve had an accident of some sort, take a time out and bandage yourself up. Don’t try to gut through it; none of us want to see your blood on the court, the pavement or the gym floor. Band-aids are cheap, awesome and can even add to your street cred on the weight floor if you buy the cool camo kind. For the love of little green apples, cover your open wounds people.
Aunt Flo accidents are a bit harder to contain. In an ideal world every woman of a certain age would be prepared at all times with appropriate surfing gear to ride the crismson tide. And yet all of us have been caught by unawares by Mother Nature’s gift at least once. So, how to best avoid become a walking Rorshach test? I used to carry a tampon in my gym purse all the time until my children decided it was candy. That I wasn’t sharing with them. Thereby necessitating them to pull it out and whine loudly that I open it at least 7 times a day. Now – when I’m not gestating, that is – instead of riding the cotton pony, I use a Diva Cup. Seriously girls, this thing is the best invention for athletic women since sliced bread (what bread has to do with menstruating, not even I can come up with). I love it so much that let’s just say I’m always walking along the beach in soft focus.
Tears
Have you ever cried at the gym? I totally have. I did last Thursday, in fact. A friend of mine (hey-o Sarah!) lent me a book about dealing with the death of a loved one – it’s a long story – and forgot to mention it had kids dying in it. A fact I discovered whilst stretching out my middle splits after a particularly relaxing yoga class. I cried so hard that I had to pull my hoodie up over my face to stop the two teenaged boys also occupying the stretching mats from staring at me. I made quite the picture spread-eagled on my face with my hood up sobbing uncontrollably. Anyhow. My point is, whether you’re hurt, embarrassed or just have a soft spot for your favorite weight rack, tears happen.
What to do? If you’re asking me, obviously I’m for letting ’em out. The harder I try and stifle my tears the more come out my nose as snot. Other options include excusing yourself to the bathroom, breathing heavily into your sweat towel (’cause of course you’re using one, right?), and finding a non-sweaty shoulder to lean on. Like sweat, if you get tears on equipment, wipe it up (preferrably with sanitizing spray). It’s not that we don’t feel your pain – we just don’t want your pinkeye.
Vomit
Having just spent the past few months repeatedly vomiting in public places, I have to tell you that there’s really not much you can do about this one except look appropriately horrified when you’re finished. On a good day, you make it to the bathroom or at least a garbage can before letting the chunks fly but all the rest of the times it’s puke in a pool. That’s why they make that crazy-cool-why-can’t-I-buy-it-for-home-use vomit absorbing powder.
Saliva
Once during bootcamp, an old man hawked a loogie over the balcony where he was walking on the elevated track. That loogie landed on the floor right next to my left arm while I was holding plank for three minutes. There was splatter. On me. This should go without saying but I’m gonna say it: Don’t ever hawk a loogie indoors. Not on an indoor track. Not even into the drinking fountain. It’s your spit/boogers, you swallow it. The end.
Poop
Ah, I finally got to poop! And why does it not get it’s own post here at GFE when there is obviously so many fitness-related things to say about it? Because tons of people have covered it so much better than I could. Strangely, I have never had problems with “runner’s tummy” nor any other incarnation of poop and exercise (I’m as surpised as you are, frankly.) So I give you the experts: You’ve got pooping while running (warning: picture not for the faint of heart). Pooping while weight lifting. Pooping in a Karate tournament. You’ve also got the helpful folks who tell you what the color of your poo means, what your poop says about your health, and what exercises to do to help you poo. And, just for fun, an article about Suri Cruise’s poop.
I don’t know about you all but I certainly learned a lot during this little bodily functions course. Interesting factoid #1: no matter what combination of poo, exercise and fitness I typed into google The Great Fitness Experiment came in the top 5 hits – take THAT search engine optimization! Interesting factoid #2: you all have led some pretty embarrassing lives. One of these days, I’m going to put together a post of all the best comments on these posts because you guys shared some hilarious stories!
So, one last time in case we missed any gold star stories, anyone else had any experiences with blood, tears, vomit or poo while exercising? Did I miss any crucial bodily functions? Anyone else come up with a great euphemism for menstruating that I missed??
Charlotte, Charlotte.*sad head shake*
This was hilariously disgusting.
Euphemisms – did you mention being “on the rag”? (I’ve always hated that one for some reason.)
And I can’t even talk about the poo part…. the photo of the runner was…. was…. unbelievable.
disgustilarious.
and, on that note, I have always been really curious about the Diva Cup.
Yet, in this (wait for it TMI AHEAD!!) hothot climate Ive always passed.
I almost forgot to come back and comment, because I went off to check out the Diva Cup and had to go read all about it. I can’t help thinking it would be a bit ouchy… yet if it isn’t, it sounds like a wonderful product.
Thanks for the tip! Oh, and for all the other amusing grossnes!
I also use a menstrual cup and it’s transformed my life!
Disgusting post, but what can you do? These are all our bodily functions!
Your posts are getting more like medical school deja vu secretions for me all the time! In the end, however, all I have is a lovely diploma on the wall, but you will have a child to treasure! Not that I’m not fond of my degree 🙂
I’ve been curious about the Diva Cup too.
Also, after an exam in college, I totally cried during cardio. I pretended it was sweat.
My best friend’s grandmother used to call her time of the month Martha Rottencrotch, or MRC for short. I liked it so much that I used to say that too, until I met my now MIL, whose name is Martha. My husband put a stop to that immediately! 🙂
I used to get the runs as soon as I got in line to get on the block for swimming races. It was awful to have to run to the bathroom, peel off the swimsuit, and get it done before the race started…. but I never missed a race!
I JUST switched to the Diva cup a few weeks ago for my my last cycle… I was sick and tired of all the leaks that would slip by (usually after running) and I wasn’t entirely sure it was all period-related leaks, if you know what I mean.
It is the best. I was dry and happy and crawled around the floor after some plastic keys all day. Oh wait, that was a diaper commercial. Same thing though.
LOVE the Dawson’s Creek pic.
I have a Diva cup, and it is awesome.
My Amazing Poo Story didn’t happen while I was working out, so I guess it doesn’t count. But when my daughter was about 2 months old I was changing her diaper. She wasn’t finished, however; as I was changing her she projectile-pooped…right into my eye.
Let me tell ya, that stuff BURNS!!!!!
Oh my. That runner’s pic was… something!
Funny, because I was totally looking at the Diva Cup last Friday. I used to have a Keeper, back about 15 years ago.. not sure why I stopped using it, but thinking of going back. It’s good to hear that it works well even with much physical activity!
Wow. Again, the pic is amazing. Poor dude. And, here I tought the pee while weight lifting was a big deal! nope. Not anymore.
Lugies make me gag. Even more than poo (most of the time..although the stinky stuff can get to me). Every.stinkin.time. Totally gross.
They have menstral cups (not the ones you mentioned), but they’re so big that iti’s are more likely. Where do you find those smaller diameter ones? I’m totally going to look
OMG.. too funny & gross at the same time! I carry a "necessity bag" at all times in my gym bag. Nowadays with the perimenopause, I never know what is going to happen so glad I got in the habit of this a long time ago!!!
Spit & pee is something I don't want to discuss.. 🙂
PS: Gonna read about that Diva cup thing. Never heard of it!
Ah, what a great post to start out Monday morning, hehe. 🙂
Can’t think of any more funny/horrible stories, at least of me. I remember feeling REALLY sorry for the girl in the all-white leotard at a meet one day who picked a really inconvenient time to start gushing (during her uneven bars competition set). There were many tears shed in the gym. Usually about balance beam. Until I made peace with it and we became friends, it made me cry. A lot. Poo? Not since I was little and didn’t quite understand that you had to get OUT of the water to do it. I have had some close calls running, but that’s why I usually stay within a few miles of home. 🙂
Thanks for the bodily fluid fun!
Funny story, on the plane on my way home from Cambodia, the passenger behind me threw up on me.
I wish I could say I was joking.
(gotta love a good gross story… haha)
Nice post. We cover some of the not so nice bodily functions. Are you going to cover some of the better ones as well? 😉
I rip my hands open climbing on a regular basis. Blood on the gym walls is a staple that is to be expected and not feared. The rule is wrap it up because if you split it again 1/2 way up and fall there isn’t a soul who will take pity on you.
(standing up. applauding)
Wow. Favorite blog ever on GFE.
I second the Miz: disgustilarious. (LOVE the word, too.)
How about, “falling off the roof?” I had a friend in college who used to say that all the time, and it always made me laugh. 🙂
i’ve never actually pooped while running, but i’ve come really really close. and blogged about it. and recently got told that “serious athletes” don’t talk about poop … by someone who had never even commented before.
whatever, people. poop is poop and poop can and does happen thanks to exercise.
POOP.
(sorry)
I've done all the above, except bleed out my hou hou…cause I'm a guy…
Anyway, the first session I had with my personal trainer I spent about 10 minutes throwing up whatever was in my stomach. It was bad, but I tell you, it showed me I was working hard and pushing myself.
As for crying, I have on the ice before doing a drill called the 911 drill…
Becky, you an get vomit powder or something like at the pet store. Really.
You left out breast milk. I keep forgetting breast pads when I workout and all it takes is one whiff of a thought about my boy and drum roll please–the milk starts seeping through my jog bra. Lovely wet head lights.
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