Rope burns circled her wrists, her fingernails were bloody and torn and she had a deep purple bruise on one forearm that inappropriately made me think of hoagie sandwiches, such was its size and shape. But what was most haunting were her eyes. They were not bright with tears, nor flashing with anger, nor did they even show animal fear – they were just still. And dead. Those dead eyes would haunt me for months afterward.
I was a new “peer counselor,” an internship I did my junior year of college to fulfill the requirement for my Psychology degree, and even though I had been trained in dealing with suicide threats, eating disorders, depression and even rape, I was not prepared for what happened at that frat house that winter night. Having got the call after the police had untied her from the bed, I missed the most horrific part of her gang rape but once her statement was filed they handed her unceremoniously over to me. My job was merely to be there. Be there with her while they did the rape kit – surprisingly not as neat and orderly as one might think after hearing about them on T.V. Be there while she peed in a cup to check for evidence of roofies. Be there while she tried to call her mom in another state only to get no answer at one o’clock in the morning. Be there while they gave her antibiotics and then the morning after pill (pills actually, there were two of them). And then to just be there while she suffered for hours through the effects of the benignly misnamed pill.
I sat with her all night as she shook and sweated and threw up. We didn’t talk much. At last, desperate to say something, say anything to break the quiet that screamed in my head, I pointed at the oddly shaped bruise on her arm. I’d never seen a bruise that looked that awful. “How did that happen?”
Staring back at me with those dead eyes she answered shakily, “I don’t know.” And then burst into hysterical tears. As did I. Even though this was a couple of years before my own sexual assault, I cried too. There was no other response.
After she finally fell asleep in the wee hours of the morning, I became aware of a shadow in the doorway. I recognized the boy. He was from the frat house. Standing quickly, I pushed him out of the room. “Are you crazy?” was all I could think to say.
He looked drunk still. “I just… wanted to see if she was okay.”
The gall. I couldn’t process it. “You guys almost killed her.”
“It wasn’t supposed to go down like that. I didn’t think…”
“Leave,” I demanded, not willing to be party to whatever rationalizations his inebriated brain was going to manufacture. For a split second, his eyes flashed and I saw anger. I thought he might push past me to get to her. Or perhaps even hit me. “Now. Or I’ll call the police,” I added with confidence I didn’t have.
“F*** you,” he muttered at last, dismissing me with a wave. As he stumbled down the hallway he added over his shoulder, “Tell her to give me a call.”
The Glamorous Rape
I tell you this story to show you exactly how unglamorous rape is. Whether it is a tied-to-the-bed knock-her-unconscious atrocity like the one just detailed or merely a silent, stealthy minimally violent assault like mine, any type of sexual crime is vicious, cruel, painful and damaging.
I shouldn’t have to explain this to you.
And yet I feel compelled to because thanks to examples ranging from the mostly innocuous Edward “Do I kiss you or kill you?” Cullen in Twilight, to the twisted media coverage of the Chris Brown-Rihanna debacle to the galling rape-fantasty video game genre, the media is selling us an image of rape and domestic violence as being artistic, dramatic, the result of misguided love and – most terrifying – wanted.
The latest incarnation of this is Lady Gaga’s new art flick/music video for her single “Paparazzi.” (I have no desire to post it here but if you’re curious, YouTube has the full vid.) In this slickly designed and beautifully executed film short – the costumes! the scenery! the sets! the glorious backup dancers!! – Lady Gaga (playing herself, per her usual) is used and abused by her lover who eventually throws her over a balcony. The fall doesn’t kill her but rather maims her. So far, so much another tragic romance but Lady G then uses this opportunity to break out the bedazzled neck brace, gold encrusted crutches and – most fabulously – a Louis Vitton wheelchair with Chanel embellished wheels. Her fame skyrockets as the sympathetic public lauds her escape with their money. Interspersed between shots are quick flashes of women not as lucky as Lady Gaga – women with bullet holes in their foreheads or blood trickling out of their mouths, all obviously dead. In the end, not only does she turn the tables on her model man, but she kills him, an ending that I’m guessing is supposed to make us feel that justice has been served.
And yet I found the whole thing so repulsive I couldn’t even finish watching the video despite “Paparrazi” being my favorite song of hers and despite having seen her in concert and loved it. I had to read about the ending on a spoiler site. Sure some will say it is an overwrought satire or mere frothy fun meant to be empowering if anything but the images of dead women – only young, beautiful ones of course – used in such a manner strikes me as well, commercial. It has also been suggested that being a woman, Lady Gaga be given a pass. Of course this would be offensive if a man made it, the reasoning goes, but because a woman did it it shows that she’s facing one of female kind’s greatest fears and vulnerabilities. I say she’s capitalizing on them.
I’ve been accused in the past of being overly sensitive to these issues because of my own history but in a country where 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime and where Jamie Leigh Jones has to sue for the right to sue the men who raped her so badly that she’s permanently scarred – shouldn’t we all be overly sensitive to these issues? Or at the very least, not treat rape like a party trick that one bounds back from in guilded couture?
I didn't watch the video. I feel like I'd hate Lady Gaga if I did.
I hadn't heard about the Haliburton covering up rape (guess they did a good job of it), but honestly, it's despicable.
Another well written piece. Honestly, I can't stand Lady Gaga's music, and this just ensures that I won't be listening again anytime soon.
I am speechless & moved by this post! Such great writing & intensity. That whole Rihanna thing really ticked me & that he is walking around acting like nothing happened & driving fancy cars & just acting like a di*k.
Very thought provoking post!
Charlotte – such a moving, eloquently written post. I no longer listen to "mainstream" music for precisely this reason. What passes for entertainment these days makes me shudder.
Your post made me think of this article I read a couple of weeks ago:
http://www.thestar.com/
entertainment/article/642245 regarding the degredation of women as the central theme in most of the Cannes Film Festival selection. Misogyny – hatred of women – is everywhere nowadays and portrayed in increasing levels of extreme and intensity. Why must almost all female leads play tortured, victim-type souls just to be center stage? Here is another article I found equally interesting: http://www.npr.org/blogs/
monkeysee/2009/06/dear_pixar_from_all_
the_girls.html
Our little girls need role models. Independant, adventure seeking (NOT princesses needing to be rescued) role models. They need to be central characters and they need to be strong.
Fabulous post! It just sickened me to see how Rihanna was treated, not just by the media but by fellow celebrities. Celebrities who are quick to offer their opinions and "expertise" on politics, but none of them had the nerve to speak up about violence against women.
It still makes me angry to remember how the girl who was raped by Kobe Bryant was treated. Immediately the media stared talking to every person who had ever walked by her on the street and words like "promiscuous" started coming up. One "journalist" even insinuated: how could you not want to have sex with such an amazing celebrity. (barf!)
not watching the video but it sounds horrific and misogynist.
I think you've made a VERY important point here. Rape is not glamorous, and it's worrisome just how many media outlets are showing men as powerful and women as being super vulnerable (such as Twilight).
Just awful. After reading that, I don't think I want to want to check out that video. How could they do something like that? *sigh* Tell her to call me? I mean, at least perhaps that shows some level of regret and humanity in that boy, but still doesn't diminsh what happened and how freaking inappropriate that was.
Ok, going to the happy thought place now! 🙂
This is a fantastic post, Charlotte. I didn't watch the Lady Gaga video because (like Tricia) I think it'd make me hate her, but the fact that she's a woman should NOT give her a free pass. The fact that people are using that as a defense is freakin' ridiculous.
As for the rest . . . there's really not much to say. We definitely live in a rape culture, and it's definitely frightening.
Great post! You are a great writer.
I am stunned by the boy's reaction afterwards.
Darn right we should be "overly sensitive" about this issue. In light of the staggering global reach of those rape-glorifying fashion ads and music videos and video games, we need to harp twice as loud, for twice as long, to create the necessary awareness and affect change. For every dollar spent developing this so-called entertainment, how much money goes into programs to prevent rape and treat its victims? Lady Gaga, Dolce and their ilk oughtta be FINED.
If you're not sensative about issues like this then what can you be sensative about?
What people do in their bedrooms or as adults is their own business, but I don't think we should be encouraging pop culture to glamourize it. Yet, I hate the way everything is censored. What do you do when freedom of speech and womens rights collide? Put a rating on it?
Very well written. I feel it. I am often told I am lucky that I was "only" assaulted and managed to avoid being raped back in college…I don't understand how people think rape or assault is glamorous or sexy. Extreme entertainment? No…just rubbish.
What 2 consenting adults get up to is their own business. Everything else just feeds the frenzy instead of teaching people how to deal with their emotions. I don't see how the whole violence or revenge thing portrayed in the nmusic video helps anything. I agree with other posters -after what happened with Rihanna and the public treatment of her I've just distanced myself from a lot of media…it just makes me angry.
I'll be giving Lady Gaga the pass…
Why is it that the FCC is STILL trying to sue CBS over the "wardrobe malfunction" incident, but cr*p like this gets by without anyone seeming to bat an eyelash?!?!?!
I read this on another blog (I think), but I'll repeat it here: why do we ask rape victims what they were wearing and how they were acting before the attack? Do we ask Mugging victims if they were walking around with an open wallet?
It's because many, MANY people, men and women, believe that rape is a woman's fault, and men simply cannot control themselves. And if I were a man, I'd be hugely insulted.
But when WOMEN come out with the kind of garbage like Lady Gaga's new video, I feel betrayed.
It's time to boycott products that use violent images to sell their products. Because it's only when they lose money that they will change their tactics. It's time to stop treating victims as criminals. And it's time to help our kids, boys and girls, to understand the messages they are receiving and why those messages are dangerous.
It is imperative that people like you stand up and say these things. I find you incredibly brave for constantly taking a stand on issues like this.
I too have often been called "overly sensitive" even though I do not have a history of rape. Many of my friends (many of them guys) just don't see this as "such a big deal" and say "it's only a dame/video/not real"
Like another commenter said, I too am sick of people asking a rape victim "what where you wearing?" or "why where you there, what where you thinking?"
Sure victims may not make the smartest decisions a head of time, maybe they went to that party alone, maybe the took the short cut that went down an alley. But that never makes it there fault, the only fault lies with her person who committed the crime. Do we ask people who get mugged the same thing?placing the blame on them? No, not typically anyway.
Keep posting things like this. It needs to be said
I think, when someone says a comment like "It's just a video (or game or ad or what have you)," we need to put it into a perspective they'd understand: if a videogame revolved around figures in white hoods attacking African-Americans, wouldn't they be disgusted? Or Nazis rounding up Jews and putting them on trains? (I know, there are many who would love these games, but I'm guessing they may be beyond help, regardless.)
Why is it OK to glamorize violence against women? Why is it OK to make rape and murder look "sexy?"
thank you, charlotte, for continuing to speak out.
thank you, Charlotte for continuing to be a voice to many that feel they don't have one. Who knows…. maybe Rihanna will read your blog 🙂
I agree will Azusmom…But when WOMEN come out with the kind of garbage like Lady Gaga's new video, I feel betrayed.
Don't even get me started on Edward's "sparkling" personality… and how about his last name, for Pete's sake.
Directed here through AlterNet.
Thanks for writing.
Great post.
It seems to me that in general we, as a society, seem to be insensitive about everything. The stuff on TV, in movies, in music, in games, in magazines… it's like we have removed ourselves from being human beings and have become these empty shells, following the latest trend and wearing the latest fashion. Everyone wants to be a reality TV star and get paid for doing… nothing?
I, of course, don't mean EVERYBODY in society… but the media and a vast number of people in general seem to be on that train.
Thankfully I know there are lots of people who are not like that. Unfortunately they are not in the media spotlight because they're usually very busy having a life, taking care of their families, contributing to society… things that fly under the radar these days.
I can only hope that things turn around eventually… because if we keep going like we are currently I am scared about where it will lead.
"in a country where 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime"…maybe, but in this country, at least we do take rape seriously for the most part, and we go after the offenders. I would remind you that there are countries where a married woman who reports being raped is then punished harshly for committing adultery
Still, this is a great post.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I am skipping the video. I will just get mad if I do.
Thank you so, so, so much for writing this.
I completely agree with you about Lady GaGa's video. I've never been an enormous fan of hers, anyway, but that's beside the point. I found that video absolutely revolting. It didn't really address the actual issue of sexual assault and violence against women at all, it merely presented it with a lot of flashiness and drama. Not cool.
Having been sexually assaulted myself, as well as having had several of my closest friends violated in this horrific and degrading manner, this is an issue that is very close to my heart. It's so grossly misrepresented in the media (with a few bright shining exceptions such as Law and Order: SVU) and it makes me feel sad and sick inside.
A friend of mine once told me, as we were discussing different fantasies and "kink," that she liked to be held down and tied up. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever, as long as said rough love is CONSENSUAL. But she went on to say, "If I was ever raped, I think it would turn me on so much! It just seems so hot." I was completely floored. It is stunning and sick how rape is misunderstood, due in part to the media misrepresentation you mentioned here.
Once again, thank you. This post is just the kind of kick in the ass that society needs to read and hear about. That rape is not cool, it's not glamorous or exciting. It is humiliating, damaging and life shattering. And the aftermath is, if possible, even worse.
Keep spreading the truth. <3
Ayla
Thanks for writing this piece. I never knew what to think about that Dolce & Gabanna ad, but now I do.
As for that guy who came back – why was he wandering around!?!? He should have been in police custody.
I'm going to fret over this – please come back and tell me that the rapists were charged.
Oh Susan… I didn't write what happened after that night because, as is typical of most rape cases, nothing happened. The girl decided not to press charges, nobody else was talking about what happened. Other than a very angry op-ed piece in the student newspaper by a faculty advisor asking for the disbanding of the fraternity, it received very little attention. The girl moved home a few weeks later.
The most interesting post-script was the boy who turned up that night was apparently the person who had called the police. The perpetrators (of which he insists he wasn't one) used his room. He eventually ended up in our counseling office because he was so upset over what happened.
Speaking of rape in the media, this is perfect timing because I've been mulling over this one particular song for a few days now and I'm curious as to what your take on it is.
The song is "Scream" by Avenged Sevenfold. The song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JtYlaPYh3w&feature=related
The lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/a/avenged_sevenfold/scream.html
Now, I honestly really do like this song and I like the band. But a lot of people are debating over whether or not it's about rape or vampirism, whereas I kind of feel like one may be an allegory for the other in this particular song.
LaMorphine: First, I really do like that song. Second, I think you are right – vampires are a classic literature device used to simulate rape. Either way though, it's really about what it means to each listener. I do think someone who has been raped would find this song upsetting.
Charlotte – I'm sickened (yet somehow not surprised) that those animals weren't charged. There would have been plenty of evidence. No wonder some men think they can get away with rape.
Charlotte, I have a post drafted. A post I know needs to be published, but I cannot bring myself to push the button because I know what it is to be accused of being overly sensitive to this stuff. People need to be more aware so that victims can stop feeling ashamed.
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I know and I agree. Its how I came to this page, googling to see if anyone else thought Lady Gaga was glorifying rape. Have I just not seen videos lately? Is this normal? I found her videos disturbing and others found them to be cool and girls want to be like her? HOW? I believe I was sexually abused in the past somehow, when I see her videos I get a sick feeling in my stomach. Now reading about all o this makes me want to almost cry even. It's horrible. And yes it is making entertainment out of sexual abuse and girls are wanting to be liek her!!! Her videos disturb me how she welcomes sexual abuse.
For an art and culture class I’m taking we had an assignment where we looked at a website that pointed out advertising specifically that objectifies people and women in particular. I found an advertisement that had what appeared to be a young, caucasian blonde blue eyed girl (she probably wasn’t, but I’d say she looked about fifteen) with the tagline, “You know you’re not the first.” It took me a moment to realize it was an ad for a certified used car program and only because, near some tiny print, there was the manufacturer’s icon.
It’s amazing how difficult it is for us to decide/realize we’re attractive, lovable, good enough, etc. and then we, particularly women, tolerate and even participate in objectification and exploitation of ourselves or of other women. I’m sure it wasn’t Lady Gaga’s intention to exploit abused women or to condone such behavior and yet, that’s exactly what she did.
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