I’m 31 today. Not 29 for the third time. Not “a woman of a certain age.” And I’m certainly not “the new 20.” I’m 31 and I’m totally okay with that. I was not in a very good place when I was 20. You couldn’t pay me to be 17 or 13 or even 8 again. 30, and so far 31, have been very good to me. I’m finally learning to measure my years not by my accomplishments but by the quality of relationships in my life. I’m very blessed to have a loving family and the best friends – and I hope you don’t mind that I’m counting all of you in here – a girl could ask for.
I was not always this Yoda about my chronology. There was a time I lied about my age.
My 27th year, my birthday fell just days after moving to a new town. All new TV stations to memorize, three new phone numbers to rattle off, a baby due any minute and hundreds of new people to meet; you will forgive me for forgetting my birthday. Life was in upheaval that day and so when a new acquaintance asked my age, I said what came naturally: 26. That in and of itself would not have been a problem if once I had realized my mistake, I had corrected it.
It turned out that the girl I told I was 26 was in charge our neighborhood playgroup and as she relayed that information – along with my due date, my kids names and ages, and my shoe size (8 1/2 in case anyone needs gift suggestions) – to all my new mommy friends. Embarrassed, I just went along with it. Then, for consistency’s sake, whenever anyone else asked my age, I told them 26. I did this for an entire year. You can imagine the web of lies that created.
Frankly, I’m amazed it lasted as long as it did. The moment of truth – literally – finally came on my birthday the next year. I was turning 28 but all my friends thought I was 27, just like I’d been telling them for the past, oh, twelve months. Surprise! They showed up at my house on my birthday to kidnap me for a wild night of dessert we didn’t have to cook and girl talk that revolved around anything except due dates, kids and shoe sizes. “Happy 27th Birthday!” they all cried. And then my husband busted out laughing. I think he might have actually fallen on the floor.
“Charlotte’s 28!” he guffawed.
My friends, confused, looked at me. Who was wrong – me or my husband? Me. Sigh.
I ‘fessed up. Thankfully all my friends remained my friends afterward although to this day when I tell someone how old I am, Gym Buddy Allison always laughs and asks me, “Are you sure?“
The year of lying about my age was not without precedent. I have a history of wanting to be someone I am not. When I was younger and wanting to get in to the clubs or date certain boys, I’d lie and say I was older. Being a basically good kid, that was rare. More often I’d say I was younger. As an overachieving child, one of the most frequent comments I’d get was, “Wow, you’ve sure done a lot for your age!” or “It’s amazing to see someone so young already have accomplished so much.” I loved praise. I ate it up. I’d do anything to get it again.
The problem with all child prodigies however is that we grow up. What was remarkable at 12 is normal at 20 and old hat by 30. For a while, in my 20’s, I lied about my age simply to buy myself more time to fulfill everyone’s expectations of me. I was afraid to grow older and not be able to keep pace with the impossible standard I’d already set for myself. Never in my life did I get any grade less than an A. A bachelor’s degree at 19, a Master’s degree at 21, an Associate Professorship upon graduation – what was next? (Spoiler alert: an ulcer.) If I didn’t get a Nobel Prize by 45 would my expiration date be up and I’d self destruct? And so, despite everything I had “accomplished,” my 20s were a turmoil of insecurity, despair and self-flagellation (enter stage right: eating disorder). Nothing I did was ever good enough.
It took me until I was 30 to realize that nothing anyone does is ever enough. Not me, not you, not even Dakota Fanning. That’s the problem with measuring your worth by your accomplishments. And, overage boyfriends aside, that was the problem with lying about my age. Until I decided I that I could be worthwhile just because I’m me, I could never be comfortable with my age.
I’m not totally there yet – I still wish I were thinner, smarter, funnier and a better dancer – but when the waiter at the restaurant last night incorrectly guessed my age to be younger (tip, much?) I quickly corrected him. I’m 31. And yes Allison, I’m sure.
So, have you ever lied about your age? Why? Anyone else get caught in the lie? What has helped you to be proud of who you are now?
I've never lied about my age,per se, but I have been joking around with my mom about starting to–since we have the same birthday I feel like we'd have to be in colusion.
Now I did have a few times of forgetting I've had a birthday, similar to you but never so long lasting. Last year I was taking a walk and thinking about my life and accomplishments and suddenly realized I was not 37 but had turned 38 four months previously. Somehow that walk aged me by four months.
First off, happy birthday!!!!
There have been times over the past few months, as I stare 40 in the face (next month!), that I think I'm not nearly accomplished or mature enough for a 40 year-old. But then I think of the things I've done in the past 20 years, and I believe I have reason to be proud. Especially now, being a mom of kids with Autism. (I figure if my kids want to be around me, I must be doing something right, right?)
And maturity is WAY overrated!
Happy Birthday!
I always lie about my age. (Simply because I got very tired of the disbelief when I told the truth. I got carded last year, a few weeks after my 45th birthday.)
Go ahead and lie! Reality is what you make it.
Now that you've passed your child prodigy years, you can concentrate on being a late bloomer as well. 🙂
In a way, being a bad dancer makes you funny (at least funny to watch). So, one weakness creates another accomplishment, right? 😉
Just joking. Those couple of dancing videos you've posted are impressive. Not that I know the first thing about dancing but you have a lot more coordination that I would have guessed. (That's meant as a compliment, by the way)
Happy Birthday! I got asked for ID on my honeymoon so I figure there's not point lying.
or is it ALL ENOUGH.
By virtue of being done.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
So this post really hit home for me. Not the part about lying about my age–I truly suck at lying about anything, so would never attempt to pull that off–but the part about expectations.
As a middle-aged person in a confusing place, career-wise, I really need the reminder about the futility of defining your self-worth by professional accomplishment. (It's an issue that's been plaguing me a lot lately). Thanks for this great post, it came at a really good time!
Happy Birthday!
I lied about my age once, to get into a bar with my friends (who were all over 21). I aged myself one month.
Happy Birthday!
This is a real timely post given that I lied about my age for the first time yesterday. I'm registering for a race and the 40% off student discount was only available to students born in 1985 or later. I think this it nuts: it's students like me who need the discount most (8 years straight of university and counting!). So I lost 2 years off my age. I'm feeling mild guilt but not $20 worth of guilt, which is what I saved.
Happy Birthday. Honestly, I sometimes forget my own age and have to think about it for a minute when people ask. I've said the wrong age before – seem to be stuck on 31 (I'm 33), and then I always feel dumb correcting myself. So, to some people I'm 31, others I'm 33…no worries. 🙂
Happy Birthday!!
I'm exactly your age :), only older by a few months (end of april baby). I have never lied about my age, but recently I've been very aware of my age. As I passed into my 30's and my hubby is still in his 20's, and my students keep staying young while I get older (teach college courses), I'm becoming irritatingly sensative to my age. But, overally I'm comfortable/good with being 31. I definately wouldn't want to live through all the struggles of my 20's!
Oh, I have forgotten my age. Definately not recently, but when I was 23 I kept telling people I was 24. Got made fun of a lot for that one!
Happy birthday! Please forgive me – I am horrible with birthdays. I have never lied about my age, but I have forgotten my age and even forgot what year it was once, and that was equally embarrassing.
I liked your comments about not measuring one's worth by one's accomplishments. I have to admit I don't agree that opportunities for competition increases confidence and self esteem in children. I thought it did when I competed as a teenager. But then I realized that was pride, not self esteem, and it was only feeling good about being better than someone else. Sooner or later that bubble will pop.
Birppy Hathday!!!!
Lied about my age? Well, lie of omission: yes; lie of oversight on their part: absolutely. The truth is that I'm not now, nor have I ever been a big drinker. While I'll admit to the rare one night of wreckless abandon in college, I always controlled the situation beforehand, i.e. never drank somewhere where I had to drive home (though, to be fair I did attempt to ride a bicycle after two drinks and quickly changed my mind before any lasting damage). I went to college in a relatively small town in western Michigan and they just didn't card. I also always sat quietly amongst my friends sneaking a sip here or there, and while they watched the television, I watched to make sure no one was watching me and figuring my chances of a quick escape should trouble arise, or, in this case, arrive.
I've thought a lot about the differences between carding men and carding women. Through my own experience I have found that I am carded more often when I'm freshly shaven; perhaps that's why I don't like to shave; or maybe I'm just lazy. Be that as it may, if I go two or three days without shaving, the instances of cardings drastically decrease. And maybe this explains why I was never carded in college; just don't shave after Tuesday morning and by Friday night you have more than enough to cover the fact that you're too young.
I've also noticed an epidemic of over-carding lately. For example, I was at the grocery store this last Saturday and I decided to grab a dvd (someone please explain why they've started selling my greatest weakness at the grocery store!) from a box of random dvds. I was checking out and they asked for my ID. For a brief second I ran over what I had put into the cart, knowing I had not purchased anything that would warrant identification of legal age (i.e. no booze, no smokes). I turned to look at her and she was holding the dvd. I must have looked puzzled because she instantly replied, "It's rated R." I rolled my eyes and showed my ID. While I know there are plenty of under-18's out there who have two-year-olds in tow, I just have to view the scene from outside of myself and laugh, laugh, laugh. I thought the "Tired Parent Chic" look was enough to attest that I was over 18. Perhaps I was wrong.
But to get back on point, I'm sure I've lied about my age. I don't recall doing it for malicious purposes, so nothing stands out in particular. I do know that I forget how old I am sometimes, and I'm not sure if that's because I'm so busy that I don't remember (What month and year is it? Oh yeah, I'm 28.) or if it doesn't matter and I just don't care.
(And if you sat through all of that, my apologies for stealing time from your life that you'll never get back…I hope it was worth it. Smiles.)
:^)
I turned 30 last year, and for practically the whole year before that, I'd say things like "I'm almost 30" to make a point (like "I'm almost 30, I'm too old to play games (in relationships)." So basically, I was 30 for the whole year before I was 30, and now I get to be 30 all over again. Maybe I'll be 30 next year too, just for a sense of balance.
Happy Birthday!
I lied as a teen to be able to go to bars with my friends who were a year older but not since then.
A funny story similar to yours – one of my sisters sort of forgot about her birthday and when asked how old she was turning quickly calculated and said 50. All day at work, people stopped in to wish her a Happy 50th! The next day, she realized she had only turned 49. She had quite the time convincing people she had made a mistake and was not shaving a year off.
I've never lied about my age, but I certainly know what you mean by measuring my accomplishments to my age. I am scared of growing older because I won't be as amazing anymore.
You are certainly amazing and have accomplished so much! Now sit back and relax.
I haven't ever lied about my age. I'm one of those looks-younger-than-she-is types. I'll be 30 this year and I am finally getting carded much, much less than I used to. That's okay with me. My twenties have been filled with grief and travel and learning and crying and all sorts of other stuff that I wouldn't give up but am glad is over. I really look forward to my thirties and definitely won't fib about it.
My boyfriend of 4 months is four+ years younger than me. I'll be 29 and he is 24. Plus he looks super young (19 at best). We travelled to Cuba and got the "are you brother and sister" question a few times. Creepy. I really like him and we get along fab but it's the first time the age thing irks me a bit. Meeting his friends, chilling with his parents, I am paranoid I am being judged which is pretty lame considering many many boys date much younger and don't get any flack about it (some are actually encouraged to do it). My mom married a man 3 years her junior, and my uncles all married older women… I figure I'm just following family tradition.
As for the life of accomplishment vs. life of leisure question, i too am much too hard on myself. Huge accomplishments when I was young has made growing older (and thus, less special, more normal and less wowee) really hard on me. Constantly being told you are special and different puts a lot of pressure on a person and makes any life choice that is of the ordinary variety less than satisfying and puts you in a constant mode of doubting your choices, wondering if you should be pushing harder, if you are neglecting your gift, if you are lazy, if you are missing the point, etc.
I found travelling to Iceland in 2006 really helpful. Seeing glaciers, sulfur mud pits, whales, seals, mountains, icebergs, geysirs… the planet is a living thing and I am NOT THAT IMPORTANT. The work I do, the emotions I feel really don't matter in the grand scheme of things. I am not special. The world will not cease to exist if I die. I could finally let it all go. It was absolutely liberating.
Happy Birthday! I lied about my age to get into bars when I was in college, but that is it.
When I graduated from college I had much higher expectations of where I would be at this point in life. I am still trying to reconcile those with the happy life that I do have. Because as a perfectionist there is never a "good enough".
Happy Happy Happy Birthday!!!
I heard the famous radio talk show psychologist, Dr. Joy Browne say that a person can lie about their age and their weight! lol!!
Happy Birthday!
You're right, we shouldn't measure ourselves by our accomplishments. Funny about the child prodigies growing up- the best we can do is to be ourselves!
I don't think I've ever lied about my age, except when I was younger to get into museums and stuff for free. And that was my parents doing, not mine (hahaha). I've been fairly comfortable with my age most of my life- we only get to be that age for a year, so we might as well enjoy it while it lasts.
Happy Birthday!
I lied about my age for years. I was 2-3 years younger than all my classmates, so got in the habit of adding those to my answer, just to fit in.
In my 20s I always rounded up to the nearest 5, since I was still carrying around the touchiness about that question. Kept right on doing it into my 30s, just out of habit.
I don't care about the actual age these days, but I am always a bit embarrassed when asked… just because it takes me a few seconds to figure it out.
Ha! That's a great story!! And Happy Belated Birthday!!
Happy birthday, Charlotte! Woo-hoo! 😀
I've never lied about my age; I think I internalized every societal "rule" about being a girl except that one. I'm 32, and I don't care. I didn't care when I was 18 or 21 or 25 or (gasp) 30. Whatever.
But I know EXACTLY what you mean about the overacheiving. Holy crap, Charlotte, you just wrote my life down. I was an early started and finisher, too: reading by 2, finished high school at 12, started college at 14 (because my mother, in her words, was going to kill me if she had to deal with my hormonal teenage self at home), graduated just shy of my 21st birthday.
I never lied about my age, but I lied about my experience. I was so tired of being the "baby" (one of my college teachers called me Doogie – as in, Doogie Howser – remember that show?), that pretended experiences I didn't have. I did it so often and so well that by the time I graduated college I was lying compulsively about EVERYTHING. (Um, turns out you can also manufacture memories that way. I have memories knocking around in my head of things I KNOW never happened, but I remember them just as clearly as if they had. I also get to deal with the emotional impact of those memories, just as though they happened. NICE GOING, MARSTE.)
But I lied because I wasn't good enough. And I think that's part of what I've been dealing with the last several years: what are we, when we're not child prodigies anymore? When we're smarter than average, but no longer circus freaks? If we're "normal," and not "special," are we still worth anything?
Holy crap. Sorry for the thread hijack. This just gave me a lot to think about today. Crap. Now I'm crying at work. YAY. Thanks, though; there's some stuff in here I need to think about.
No-after 25 I haven't really cared, altho I'm sure 50 will be a bit of a downer…then again I'm always amused because I am the youngest at my workplace by about 15 years and all my coworkers always think I'm younger than I am, just because to them I'm still a baby…:)
First of all, Happy Birthday!!!
I only lied about my age to get into bars/buy booze/etc, never saw a reason to do so otherwise.
I was really hung up on turning 25 because I didn't meet all my "goals" (good job, own property, etc), and I thought 30 was going to be the same way but I realized I had just about everything I had wanted besides the ridiculous one-in-a-million stuff like vast riches and overwhelming fame, so it was actually empowering! The 30s so far rock.
Happy Birthday!
Never lied about my age on purpose. Once a guy came around asking for signatures to sell liquor at his restaurant, and when I reached to sign it he pulled it back and said, "You have to be 21 to sign this." I was a little bit shocked, then said, "I AM 21." I was 25 at the time, but got all confused when I was talking.
I guess it makes it easier to not feel like lying about your age when you perpetually look 12.
And I totally understand what you mean about the achievements. You look at all those amazing people who get law degrees by the age of 20 and can't help but feel like you haven't done enough. But all that really matters is that you're happy and achieving the goals YOU want. I mean, even if I had it in me, I probably still wouldn't have set the same goals Condoleeza Rice set, so there's no reason to be jealous about her accomplishments.
My dad turned 50 the year I turned 25. We had a joke going that we would just stick with those numbers for awhile– I believed it a little too much and for the entire year I was 26 I thought I was 25. When I turned 27 I freaked out because I felt like I had missed an entire year– what happened to 26? So now I'm careful to always own up to my actual age. It helps that people usually assume I'm a few years younger, but it still smarts a little when I don't get carded at the grocery store! (I'm 29)
Happy Birthday Charlotte!
Happy Bday!
I never lied about my age but now that I am older & it is showing on the face big time, I kinda want to say I am older so people will say how much younger I look!!! 🙂 I used to always be told how good I look for my age but now when I say my age, nobody is surprised. The face can't be worked out in the gym! :0 DARN!
I am still working on what it is that makes me proud today beyond that I can work out hard. Not enough for me but I am not sure I can get to "enough". Ah, the leftovers of childhood!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I've never lied about my age, and my only age-related gripe is that I look way younger than I am. Usually people mean well (or at least they mean no harm) when they tell me i look like I could be in middle school, but it gets annoying when I hear it for the 29384th time and each time someone thinks they're an observant genius for pointing it out. They also then remark on how lucky I will consider myeslf when I'm 50 or 60, as if I haven't heard that one either.
:] HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN.
Happy Birthday Charlotte! In years past, I would sometimes bump my age up if my birthday was less than 3 months away. And I guess I was also known to add "halves" to my age since I was one of the youngest in my grade ("I'm 8 and a half!"). I still do that sometimes just to be dumb… I'm actually 26.9 years old right now… tomorrow it'll reach an even 27!
Man, why do I never leave comments on the giveaway posts? I secretly sabotage myself: I don't actually subconsciously want to win anything because frankly there's too much crap in my house already!
And please, if you're going to lie about your age, never let it be younger!!! That's when people think, "Girl, you not lookin' so good for 25." I tell people I'm almost 40. With 5 kids, they believe it, and then they tell me I'm hot. It may only be hot for almost 40, for 5 kids hot, not full-fledged know-nothing-about-this-stranger-on-the-street hot; but as you said, we'll do anything for praise!
hi. this might be too late to post, but I found this article when googling "lied about my age to fit in".
I am in uni, but unlike most of the people there, Im 25. Not 19, 20 not even 24 like they think I am!
I knew the day of revelation had to come and yesterday when talking about siblings I said Im "like ten years younger than my 34 years old sister".
they were all shocked, first thought Im just kidding, couldnt believe it and so on. And they kind of got the impression Im 24. I did not corrected them and let them think that and just told them a bit about what I´ve done so far (they had lots of questions). I dont even know why I didnt say "25" !!!!
It is just a year! Oh, if I had just let them think so, but as a bonus, one girl joined us later on and when she asked what we were talking about and about my age, I told her 24, because that´s what they´ve already thought.
It´s not a big thing and yet I dont know how to come clean. I dont want it to snowball somehow – those few guys will tell others, so in no time all people from my group will think Im 24.
But if I tell them today that guys listen, I actually lied yesterday and Im yet another year older – I will look like a total idiot (which quite frankly I probably am).
What was I thinking? wow when they will ask me when is my birthday, or when Im turning 25… Im ashamed.
(it´s a long post, but kind of felt good to write it somewhere 🙂 )
d- your story is the best thing I've read all day! Seriously, it sounds exactly what I did. Which of course makes me feel better;) The good thing about you though is you're still so close to the "incident" that the next time someone says you are 24 you can look at them blankly and say "No, I'm 25" and when they're like "Wha…? You said…?" You can answer "You must have misunderstood. I'm 25." Then THEY'LL feel like the dumb one. Not that making your friends feel dumb is good either.
Anyhow thanks for sharing that with me – I hope you get it all worked out!
Pingback:Using Deception as a Sports Performance Enhancer: Liar, liar legs on fire? [New Research] | The Great Fitness Experiment