I am not prone to cursing but this weekend this blog had me all up in 4-letter arms. I sometimes forget that even though I’m surrounded by my warm, cozy, supportive group of about 30 or so regular commenters that tens of thousands of other people read this site. Some of them very strange people indeed. You know what? I don’t mind the strange ones. I certainly don’t mind people telling me I’m wrong. I love a debate. But someone telling me I should be murdered? I mind.
And it’s not just for myself that I am concerned but for anyone that reads the comments on here in a fragile state of mind.
I’m getting ahead of myself. Most of you probably noticed nothing this weekend other than that the lead post had a tasty pic of Tom Sellick’s chest hair in edible form – what’s not to love? The only way you might have noticed something amiss was if you happened to subscribe to the comments on one of my posts about my sexual assault. The problem came because I put my post on Lady Gaga and the Glamorous Rape up on Huffington Post (where I also blog). That post turned out to be way more popular than I had anticipated and several other sites picked it up. Readers from those sites found their way here and… this weekend happened.
These posts have long been a source of controversy on this site. It’s been raised – politely – in the comments before that my sexual assault has nothing to do with health or fitness and so people question why I write about something so deeply personal. I write about it for the same reason I write about my eating disorder and my anxiety and my daughter who died – because it is a part of me. My sexual assault was a major factor in getting me into physical fitness, especially in regards to kickboxing and karate. But it has also infiltrated my soul even more deeply, affecting issues like my body image and my self esteem and my willingness to trust people to have physical power over me, all of which actually do tie in to health and fitness. For me, letting you guys in on the messy parts of my brain is critical to explaining what I do and why I react the way I do. Besides, opening myself up to other people has really shown me how much of this life is about shared experiences and I have learned so much – and healed so much – because of your help.
I knew when I first wrote about sexual assault that it would make some people squeamish. Some people are so uncomfortable with this topic that they have requested me to e-mail them a warning before I post one (which I do). And then others think I’m making a mountain out of a molehill and think I should just be grateful that nothing worse happened to me (which I am). Some even took it to mean I was impugning men as a gender (which I am not). And yet the reason I continue to talk about rape and sexual assault is because I believe that the only way to overcome these types of dark crimes is to open them up to the light. It’s my choice to do this. It’s my blog.
Blogging at the Huffington Post has mostly inured me to the kinds of hateful personal attacks people say on the Internet and yet some people still found a way to get under my skin. Not that I’m particularly fond of letting them know that. I questioned whether or not to address this at all – didn’t want to give them any more power – except that I worried about other people, other survivors (from whom I get many, many e-mails), reading those same comments and feeling attacked themselves or triggered or hurt. This kind of shaming is exactly what perpetuates the culture of silence that surrounds and facilitates sex crimes.
To those of my readers who have been hurt in this way, you have all my empathy. This is not normally a problem on this blog. In fact, this is the first time in almost two years of blogging that I have had to delete comments for reasons other than blatant advertising (like those stupid diet pills ads that occasionally show up). I’m convinced that my readers here are generally the greatest people on the planet and I’ve had such good experiences with many of you via this site & e-mail. I’m grateful to all of you who support me and love me, even when you don’t agree with me.
But I want you to know that I will not shut up about this. I’m not perfect; I am so very fallible. On this subject I’ve been angry and ambivalent, depressed and regretful. But I learned a long time ago that being quiet when someone threatens to kill you doesn’t work. This time I’m screaming.
You are my hero. Keep up the great work! I'm a new reader and I am entirely impressed with your writing skills as well as what you have to say.
This is your blog, blog about whatever you want. People are jerks, especially if they can be anonymous. I don't understand the whole troll phenomenon, but they are out there. Sorry this got to you.
Please don't stop writing and talking about this! You've done so much good for so many people, and the ugly, small ones who say horrible things are sickos and cowards. They've never heard of bravery, wouldn't know it if it bit them in the butt. They are the polar opposite of YOU.
do whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? I definitely missed something this weekend.
But as for the topic of your blog… they are definitely tied together. Fitness and eating disorders are certainly tied together, and EDs and rape are tied together, and the physical strength, the empowering, the feeling of control and safety all tie to the rape. For someone who's been there, you can't even try to explain your relationship to one without the others eventually coming up.
I've e-mailed back and forth with you before about my own eating disorder and my own rape. To be honest until a couple months ago I wouldn't even call it rape or talk about it. I told a couple of people in the past few months and have been surprised (pleasantly) by their reactions and my own. It's not something you should have to shut up about.
And as for being too sensitive – after telling my story to one friend and saying I feel overly sensitive to certain tones and actions by guys now, she replied that if I felt uncomfortable, there is probably a reason for it and no one who isn't in that situation can say how something makes me feel. If I feel uncomfortable, she said, it's wrong.
So I'm definitely one of those lurkers who reads your blog all the time but rarely comments. Anyways… I'm really very glad you let us into the deeper sides of you. It makes you human and makes it possible to relate, so that I (and I'm sure many others!) can find such inspiration in your strength; such triumph in your battles; and such affection for a person they've never met.
Good luck, and I'm sorry about the assholes out there.
Don't shut up Charlotte. I started reading your blog for the health and fitness, but the best blog posts are the ones that are personal. That is how you really connect with your readers. You are very brave and I love your blog just the way it is!
I don't understand people. I'm not sure what was said, but I have always regarded you as exceptionally brave and someone who is helping break the silence when it comes to these difficult things.
This is your personal blog, and that's how I see it even over and above the fitness side, because fitness (it seems) is such a huge part of your life. I'm sorry this happened, but keep on writing and talking about the hard stuff.
A normal(ish) lurker here! As others have said, this is your blog. Write what you want! If people don't want to read a particular post then you're not exactly holding their eyelids open with toothpicks.
Idiots are idiots, and unfortunately the Internet has far too many of them. The stuff you write about which is non-fitness related provides context for your 'fitness experiments'. Every bit of your blog is valuable to me. Please don't stop!
Just another post of support. Please keep talking, Charlotte—about anything and everything. And especially this.
I find it ironic that as a society we seem to more tolerance for the casual depiction of violence against women than we do for women who speak up about abuse. It's so backwards!
But you're right–women who are victimized are encouraged to keep silent about their experiences so we can all hold on to the myth that it doesn't really happen all that often. It makes us too uncomfortable, so rather than deal with the misogyny that encourages it, we tell the victims to shut up.
I love that you speak honestly about your experiences. And since past emotional trauma often seems to play a role in eating disorders, I hardly think it's irrelevant!
You know what I think—-just adding in my support.
Carla
Say what you need to say. If people do not like it, let them read something else. I think you offer an important perspective on some serious issues. Do not give up just because some small minds do not like the view. The rest of us are right behind you, including the males who really care about the women in their lives.
I am definitely lending my support to the rest here who have said it's your blog, write what you want!
I didn't see the comments you are referring to, thank heavens, or I may very well have blasted them myself!
You are very brave to open yourself up and write about something so personal and I hope it has helped you to heal!
Carry on just the way you've been going, Charlotte, and screw the idjits!
I love every bit about what you write & the personal stuff just makes me feel I know more about you & understand your reasoning for some of the posts! I don't get these hateful comments & it is obvious that they don't get the reasons you post what you do! You have no reason to silence your thoughts & feelings, especially after all you have been thru. Keep doing what you are doing.. it is great!
I understand completely. I'm glad you deleted those comments.
I have a theory of why trolls exist: people are social creatures. If you want to seriously upset/anger/sadden someone, ignore them (as in, don't respond to them). If they are ignored enough, and by enough people, they'll eventually become hostile (think Columbine High School, where the shooters were ignored by their peers).
It's my belief that trolls are people who, in the real world, for whatever reason, are essentially ignored. They go to blogs, etc. with comments policies to try to interact with people, but when the writer or other commenters ignore him/her, it upsets them more, and they try to knock the writer/commenters down to their level.
It's not pretty, but I'd rather they be on the internet trying to bully people than bullying them in the real world.
I once gave a ride to a friend's then-15 year old son, a very gifted boy from an exceptional family, no question he and his brother and sister will each really "be someone" as adults. These are the kind of people who keep our society moving forward.
We talked some about his activities, and his karate came up. It wasn't a dedicated thing for him, just a competency he (and his parents) felt he should have. Something that struck me from our conversation about it and that I tried to discuss with him was his discomfort with the practice in the class of shouting with the moves. He thought it was "stupid" that the students had to practice shouting "NO!" He did not understand why they made him do that.
I felt so strange and a bit sad about that, that this beautiful, intelligent boy was learning this competency without understanding why he needed to be practiced at shouting "NO!" I tried to explain to him that if he was actually attacked, he would need to have had that practice. He is sensitive enough that he seemed impressed by how important I thought it was, even if he didn't really see the truth of what I was telling him.
It is not unnecessary or gratuitous or negative to practice shouting "NO!" or to model that behavior and describe the circumstances in which it would be needed for others. You are providing a valuable teaching to others by sharing your experiences and recovery. Don't stop.
It makes me so angry that someone felt the need to make such personal attacks on you. Some bloggers out there have a tendancy to come across as "holier than thou"–whether they mean to or not. Sometimes it feels like they have achieved some sort of elusive perfection when it comes to health and fitness that I will never measure up to.
Your blog is so much different. I LOVE the fact that you are human. Your experiments, gym mishaps, abuse etc make you so much more relatable. We all have some skeletons in the closet…kudos to you for being brave enough to face them in search of becoming a better person. I will continue reading so, please don't hold back just because of some coward hiding behind their anonymity!!
You are fabulous!
Charlotte,
Please keep doing as you are. I think your thoughts and comments are important additions to this world and our society. Those who are hateful are one of the main reasons we need you.
Thank you for who you are and what you do.
Please…keep screaming…LOUDLY. I continue to read your blog because I appreciate your frank discussions of everything, and I am disappointed that some idiot would attempt to stifle that.
A lot more people read a blog than comment on it. I'm thinking of all the people who read your "uncomfortable" posts and were comforted to know they were not alone.
Don't stop what you're doing! I love that your blog is somewhat all over the place, it's more realistic, and reminds me of my own scatterbrained-ness! Plus, it's what makes your blog one of the few that I consistently read-I never know what's coming with you!
I also throughly enjoy that you have a solid handle on spelling and grammar- one of my pet peeves is when I notice mistakes, because it distracts me from the content, and I love that there's nothing to distract me from your content! Law students are picky like that- I have a 'friend' *cough cough* that has boycotted all newspapers, and sends angry letters whenever she finds an error in the Economist (which is admittedly not often).
(p.s. I hope your pregnancy is still going well! There hasn't been a post about it in a while…)
ditto! i love this site. thank you for letting us share in your journey.
I read this blog daily and have never commented before. I just have to say, it is inexcusable for someone to say something so hurtful and hide behind the veil of the Internet. Isn't there already enough hateful things out in the world, why would any commenter want to add more? I know it is hard not to take things personally, I do all the time, but you can't control nasty people. It's sad that these people go through life attacking people. It's just plain sad. You, on the other hand, are a ray of hope. Some people just don't like hope, which is just too bad for them. Keep doing what you are doing; you are reaching and helping so many more people than you know.
It's YOUR blog. Blog about whatever you like. If people don't like it, they can surf elsewhere. I prefer varied posts, people aren't unidimensional and your posts are what separate you from reading a generic fitness mag with recycled articles… it is much more motivating and interesting to hear what an actual person who stays in shape has to say vs. a generic mag with too-thin-to-workout-and-lift-weights models telling us how FUN it is to lift 5lbs dumbells and eat half a bagel with cream cheese.
I am fortunate enough to never have experienced any version of the horrific events you blog of but there are women I love who have. Screaming is important. Scream to anyone who'll listen. We all need to be more conscious and sensitive to these issues as there is much to learn/change/improve people-wise (the kind of people who say "be thankful it wasn't worse", or who question your behaviour to see if you somehow "deserved it", etc.) and systemwise (the courts, the police, the charges, the duration of a sentence, etc.).
I'm glad you're screaming this time.
Charlotte, I love this blog. I love that you're human, and you're SO RIGHT about life experiences informing what we do with our bodies and why. I think the sexual assault posts are absolutely relevant to the health and fitness focus, because your focus is a more personal one than an abstract one. Does that sort of make sense? I think I'm rambling. 😛
Rambling aside, you have my support.
Had to chime in with a big "DITTO!" to the supportive comments you're receiving today. I value your blog, because you write bravely and truthfully and *well* about your experience, from a place of wanting to help others. And while yours is a different experience from my own, it is perhaps not so different from some of those near & dear to me, and I hope it helps me develop a better understanding of them.
You're a strong, smart, intelligent, funny lady.
You've led a multi-dimensional life, and so your blog is also multi-dimensional. As you can see from the previous comments, this is one of the things that makes this blog so wonderful and enjoyable for us as readers!
There will always be those who dislike these things… and can be cruel. Usually this has much more to do with themselves than whatever they have decided to criticize.
But I'm sure you know that.
Just know that there are lots more of us, than them. And we love you!!
My two cents –
I thought about this a lot today.
When I read the Glam Rape post I didn't necessarily agree with you 100%, but I thought your perspective was interesting and well thought out.
That being said, you are entitled to your opinions whether they are cultural, religious, political, etc. It doesn't matter! The point is its your blog. You own it. If anyone else out there in this wonderful world doesn't agree with you, they can simply choose to not read anymore.
I will repeat what the rest of us have said today. Please don't stop writing!!!
P.S. I also chuckled when you brought in a Twilight reference. Some of the fans are a little too obsessed and I thought it might bring some negative comments your way. Let's face it, there are people out there that would probably take a bullet for Stephanie Meyer!
Everyone's said it, but I'll repeat. It's your freaking blog! I will never understand why disgruntled people don't just click the little X and leave their pissiness to themselves! How is that not a topic related to your health?! And, it's your freakin blog! Geesh.
I'm glad you speak out about it, although I prefer to skip ahead to the ends…just to sensative. But, getting the word out empowers you and all of us. Funny that we can talk about the silly stuff, but the second life gets real everyone is up in arms. Sad world sometimes. Scream.
I am definitely one of those people who reads your blog religiously but never comments.
In this case though I felt I should add my voice to the throng to say: don't stop blogging about these things. They need to be mentioned.
Blogging about the trauma you went through is courageous, and I think your experience has given many folks the courage to speak out as well.
I am so sorry that you've had rotten folks trolling your site (though it is the peril of personal blogging, as you noted)–know that the rest of us are cheering for you, and rejoicing with each step you've taken towards recovering.
You're not screaming into a void, Charlotte–we're listening.
Keep on keeping on! I heart your blog!!
I don't usually comment (though I have once or twice, I'm not a total lurker), but I wanted to say that I love the honesty of your posts, and although I find the ones about abuse a bit disturbing (because I went though some bad experiences), I want to come out in support of your writing them! I haven't seen the comments you're talking about, but they sound cowardly and mean.
Also, I too, like M, enjoy reading a blog written by someone who actually knows how to write. So thanks and please keep it up!
I have to chime in and say please do not stop blogging about things that make you YOU! I applaud the fact that you are so open and honest with your readers and I am positive you are helping many readers who have been through similar situations.
The grumpy old trolls need to go back under their bridges!
Yes, thank you for being so brave! Thank you so much! Why anyone would think we should be quiet, I can not understand. But we need people to raise their voices to demand a better world.
Another voice of support. Fitness is absolutely about being strong and being able to defend ourselves. Fitness is fighting the fear that we could be traumatized again. Fitness works past our fears. Fitness is about gaining respect for our bodies, respect that may have been ripped away from us by assault or rape. Fitness is finding a way to forgive ourselves for what we may feel is our fault on some dark level. Fitness is about surviving.
Charlotte,
Keep screaming my friend. You are an amazing writer, and I wouldn't want you to change a thing. It's your blog – write what you want, and we'll continue to read it!
I'm a long time lurker (and I've been away for a week). Don't stop talking about this. It's important. And, if you haven't seen it yet, some science bloggers started something called 'silence is the enemy' – you can find it on facebook and other webplaces.
I've been AWOL, so I missed what happened. But! Talking about life altering events and working through feelings and reactions is an intrinsic part of health. Health isn't just about the physical, but deeply involves the mental and emotional.
Keep talking about your assault! Not only are you helped by sharing, but I imagine you empower many other women to seek help if they need it and to open up about what happened to them.
Please don't let anyone pressure you into changing a thing about your wonderful blog! You are helping out a lot of women with the site.
You are a wonderful writer with a super-popular blog. The haters clearly don't have much going for them if they have time to write hateful messages to strangers.
The support that you can get with a scenario like that is the support of the online community that's commenting here as well. If you have unintentionally approved that lurker as a follower, you can block him/her. If the lurker is just someone frequently commenting, just delete every post from that person, every time.
It's your blog, say whatever you damn well please, I say. If you want to write a 1000 word essay on how much you love pineapples, I'll be here to read it. You are a strong woman and you rock the house. Screw the haters!
Just chiming in to add my support. And as another poster pointed out, feelings of power/powerlessness, strength/weakness, body acceptance and eating disorders are definitely related to health and fitness – and emotional health is an important part of health and wellbeing.
I'm surprised that we even need to spell this out.
The internet has made it possible for anyone of most any age to read and write what they want. Like anything there will be things anonymously said because it makes someone feel better, or they get a laugh out of it, or whatever.
I think you are doing the right thing. If someone came into my house and said that I am afraid they would get a major a&% kicking!
This right here is why only a handful of people in my day to day life have knowledge of my blog and more importantly what the site is. Its too easy to get hurt by people close to you. I can't imagine getting a comment like that. It's insensitive and ignorant. Good for you for standing up for your rights.
I was out of town and missed this incident. So just wanted to voice my support for you! I don't understand the hater/negative type posters. They must be very unhappy in life to say such things.
love this blog! LOVE this post!
Again…2.5 years later…but YAY! Go GIRL! Etc. I, for one, appreciate you enlightening us with your wisdom. 🙂