“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” We’ve all heard this, usually in trying to justify someone’s love for someone or something that is conventionally not beautiful. The rationale, I suppose, is that if you love something or someone enough then you are blind to their flaws and see their true beauty. The point is that the nature of beauty doesn’t change but rather the person observing it does. I love this idea – even if it kinda slams both the people in question, one for their looks and the other for their taste – but for me this axiom reads a little differently.
Let me back up. On our vacation we got to visit a wide variety of friends and relatives. As in any family gathering there was an abundance of children, wet swimsuits and food. (I ate a shaved ice every single day, I swear. Why does Minnesota not sell shaved ice? We have lutevisk – fish jellied in LYE – yet you can’t buy frozen water doused in artificial colors and a sweetener.) There was also an abundance of opinions covering everything from ObamaCare to whether or not the National Enquirer is an actual news source. And some of the opinions were about me. (Yes everything revolves around me, can we get back to talking about me now? Me, me, me!)
At one place, I was surrounded by people who love me and respect me and, unless I’m disciplining their children (which I have totally learned not to do), think I can do no wrong. Here everyone gushed over my baby bump and told me how adorable I was and how I didn’t look big at all. In fact, my sister patted my tummy lovingly and said, “This is a just right belly.” And I felt that way! I felt adorable and cute. My maternity clothes felt stylish and well fitting. I even wore my maternity swimsuit with a certain unselfconsciousness that I normally do not possess. I saw myself that way because they saw me that way.
The next place, sadly, was the opposite. The people there, folks who admittedly tolerate me at best, staunchly ignored my pregnancy unless it was to make off-hand comments like, “Is it just me or do you look a lot bigger this time around? I can really see it in your arms.” and (looking me up and down), “I’m so glad I lose weight when I’m pregnant.” And for the time I was with them, I felt that way too. I felt lumbering and large and slow. My clothes felt ugly and too tight. I was absolutely positive that I had overindulged and gained at least 5 pounds in the week we were there. By the end I was avoiding my reflection in windows and planning in great detail the diet I was going to start rightthisverysecond.
So it was with some surprise when I arrived home and went to my next doctor’s appointment to discover that I’d actually lost a couple of pounds on my vacation. I was still in the textbook-normal pregnancy range. At first I was relieved – I wasn’t the elephant girl! – and then I was angry. How dare they make me feel so ugly? And then I was frustrated. With myself. I know there’s a Dr. Phil-ism in here about people not being able to make you feel anything and perhaps something about cattle ranching but I’m too tired to look it up.
Here’s my problem – and it’s been a lifelong problem: I let other people define me. Sometimes it works to my benefit such as when I was in third grade and my teacher told me over and over again how smart I was. But sometimes it works to my detriment. When I was 5, someone close to me told me I was shy and for years I believed that about myself and even acted the part despite my natural inclinations towards gregariousness. And so it was this time: My body didn’t change in any measurable way while I was gone and yet my body image went through enough costume changes to make Cher jealous.
Shouldn’t my body image be mine to define? Shouldn’t I have learned in my 31 years on this planet how to see myself and not have to use other people’s eyes? I’m not saying that other people’s opinions can’t be worthwhile but how does one temper their effect? I can’t be the only person who has ever had this problem. *cough*Oprah*cough* Any of you guys dealt with this? How have you figured out how to deal? It really depresses me that I am this malleable. Help!
Oh boy, do I hear ya! The only advice I can give is to make a conscious effort to make the opinions less important to you. The opinions of those who are less than supportive, I mean.
I learned this the hard way; there are people in my life whom I love and respect very much, but whose advice and opinions just don't help me. At all. I spent a lot of time trying to please them, to the detriment of myself and my family. I finally had to just let them talk and brush it off. It's HARD! But with practice, it gets easier.
I also came to realize that a lot of the advice comes from a place of insecurity. That helped a lot.
I'm sorry you had to go through all that, especially during what should have been a relaxing time for you!
With one relative, I started repeating her comments back, hoping agreement would cause her to find a new topic.
"Yes, this dress does make my arms look big."
"You're right, I used to a lot thinner."
Did that stop her? Of course not. She switched to lecturing me on "not to be so down on myself."
Apparently, if she says it, it's a constructive comment. If I say it, I'm being negative.
I feel the same way sometimes — so very, very malleable. But I'm trying really hard to listen to myself, to think about things critically when they are said to me by others — and understand where they are coming from — and ask, is that really true?? It feels like it's working sometimes. I think it's getting easier to let stuff roll off me.
Re: pregnancy, you know where I am on this one. I felt like a whale = ate terribly and gained TONS of weight. OOOF. People said I looked huge, so there you go. I became huge. Next time, I'll do things differently.
I adore that you use words like malleable.
and for me it was a simple—and as difficult—-as the mantra:
IT ISNT ABOUT ME. IT ISNT ABOUT ME.
when comments like that flew my way ("do you think youd get a nose job? XYZ did and it looks great!! you should ask her about it) I just realized it really had nothing to do with me and was all about the person who was saying it.
sure SOMETIMES it may have been entirely about me 🙂 and those times I was too busy thinking it wasnt to notice or care…
Acck! Just reading your post and the comments above make me SO GRATEFUL I do not have to hang with people like this. How dare anyone say anything negative about another person's appearance? The fact that it's not true makes it even worse, but even if you'd grown big as a Buick I can't think of any excuse for this kind of behavior.
I like Mizfit's advice: it's not about you. The only thing I'd add is that you have every right to avoid/confront this kind of rudeness even if it results in social awkwardness. You guys went out of your way to visits faraway folks and the fact that they treated you so badly would make me not EVER want to go back. I'd be tempted to boycottt in the future.
I feel exactly the same way sometimes, though blessedly people rarely actually comment or express opinions on how i look. But my self-image and self-esteem go up and down sometimes multiple times a day and sometimes for absolutely no reason — sometimes all it takes is for me to look at my reflection the wrong way and I go off the deep end and feel like a beast. I'm also working to become more solid — less malleable — in my perception of myself.
Having said that, I feel the need to ask why you would go visit (stay with?) people who don't like you very much and can barely put up with your presence. Granted, I don't know what kind of history you have with them or what their relationship is with you, but I would definitely rethink stopping there on the next vacation.
Also, since when are pregnant women fair game for these kinds of comments? Jeez… you're growing a whole human being inside of you… that should be enough to earn their respect. And given the circumstances, I don't think asking them to please shut up is at all rude.
Since we are a gregarious creature, it's probably hard wired into our genetics to care about what others think. Surrounding yourself with positive supportive people is definitely the way to go! In those situations when we can't do that, I think it was best put as: Illegitimi non carborundum!
I can't help either. I do the same thing…how can you help it? People that shame others like that should be shot! lol.
Seriously though, either you can try to change yourself (it can be difficult to completely drown out their comments and not take them to heart) or you can be with better company. It sounds like these people are only around a short period of time…and if you can just associate the negativity with them (where it sounds like it belongs!) then you should be ok.
Suggestion: if you absolutely must visit them, then maybe visit them first next time. Then you can leave on a high note and feel crummy for a shorter period of time. I know, not the same advise you are getting from others, but it's something that helps me.
Good luck!
I think the trick is to go in knowing your audience. If you knew the second group of people would make you feel awful, you'll at least be expecting it. If you really want, you can even try to figure out what they'd say and prepare a few zingers yourself.
And I'm not sure why you'd be visiting people like that, family or not.
of course, I empathize. This happens to so many of us. It makes me want to throttle the people who were commenting on your arms. What crapheads! Don't beat yourself up too much, but I agree, in 31 (or in my case, 33)years, we should've gotten over this, no? But it's hard hard hard and you and I are sensitive people to begin with and I'm sure the hormones of pregnancy ain't helping with the emotional lability. A therapist once suggested I imagine myself in a courtroom, defending myself against a jury. The prosecution is the bad thoughts, saying negative things about your body. For a long time, we listened to them and let them make their case. But we can present a better defense. Imagine yourself standing before the jury and defending your body and self with lots of positive comments that you know are true. I've tried it. It felt a little silly but was helpful. Plus, I made myself look like Mariska Hargitay, which was n ice 🙂
I SO know what you mean! I struggle with this daily, trying to take my body image under my own control. It's hard.
Did someone seriously say that they lose weight when they're pregnant? Is that even possible? That CAN'T be healthy.
How do I deal – I try to only hang with those people that make me feel good. That means we are not terrible social but we have become a very close knit family and the extra time with my husband and daughters without distractions of company are times I could never (and would never want to) replace.
Mizfit is right-the negative comments say more about the person making them than about you! You are growing a person-it's one of the most wonderful and miraculous things humans can do and it's beautiful.
I'm not sure what advice I can give on the subject. I let criticism roll off my back, but avoid praise whenever possible. I get embarassed easily, which is probably why I write (so I can hide behind it). As far as body image goes, it's probably why I wear baggy clothes. No matter what's going on underneath — weight gain or weight loss — no one can tell. Perhaps this is the real reason I don't like the beach. No, that's because if I'm in the sun for more than five seconds with anything less than SPF 3000, I burn. Maybe there's something to that…
And since we're having therapy right here, right now, I think it all comes back to my mother and how…just kidding. :^)
Joshua
The Technical Parent
I've always been like that as well, even though I know (rationally) that it has more to do with the other person then me, but my feelings are always stronger than my rational mind! And not only with comments on my looks, really any type of comments. For instance, my boyfriend hangs out with a guy that's always bringing me down any subject he can, like how I do the cleaning in the apartment (and of course, it's always my lack, never my boyfriend's fault – he is a really nice person to my boyfriend). It really bothered me until I realized he does this to every one, but he is harder on me (maybe he has something against women?). Now I let the comments slide by but his presence still drains me of more energy than any other person I know. I should use MizFit's mantra, maybe that would help!
That I'm so malleable to comments is also the reason why I never comment on anyone's looks unless it's a positive comment. A 'wow, you look gorgeous!' always makes someone's day, and there's no point in pointing out flaws.
I also agree with Dr. J., it's probably hard wired in any type of social animal and we can't beat it, only surround ourselves with positive people. Admittedly it's easier said then done, specially if the negative people are family or a close friend of one of your close friends/family.
My family doesn't seem to make comments to your face, but it makes me very nervous when either my own mother or my MIL makes comments about other people to me. I wonder what they are saying about me when I'm gone because it's not nothing. I try to view it as an important lesson on why gossiping is destructive and why I shouldn't do it.
I'm sorry you had to deal with all that on your vacation! Whatever those stinkers said, all of your readers love you and couldn't care less whether your arms have changed size with the pregnancy or not. All we care about is that you and the baby are happy and healthy!
I guess I've learned to kibosh negative people from my life, so my biggest critic is ME. (that's not easy to deal with because I can't run and hide from myself!)
I think that we all want validation in life and want to know that people approve of us- it's a human fault and anyone who can just let it roll off their shoulders is very lucky.
Seriously Charlotte, why waste your precious time with people who can barely stand you (THAT I find hard to believe however). Life's too short sister!
And shame on anyone making negative comments about your body-any time or especially when you are growing a fetus. Shame shame shame!!
Hang in there, and rethink your next road trip itinerary!
I hate that. Leave the pregnant woman alone, people. I think it would have been PERFECTLY acceptable to start physically beating people. Ya know, blame the hormones. 🙂
Personally, it's nice having lost 110 lbs because no one DARES to say anything bad about my figure even if it isn't perfect. MOST of the time I feel great. I do start feeling self conscious around skinny women though. Can't help it.
I had one person tell me they think I have great legs.
Another person told me my legs are too big and I should keep them covered up.
In both cases, my legs were exactly the same. But each person saw them differently.
Now, the issue is – what opinion do I choose to focus on? Do I let the negative one overwhelm me? Or do I instead go with the first person and accept that I look great?
No matter how you look, somebody will always have a negative opinion. Even if you were a super model, somebody would not like how you look.
Most commented and liked on me is my hair. Everyone except my parents like it. I think that now that they can't traumatize me by telling me how fat I am, they have to go after my hair. Whatever-I like it, and most others do too.
Charlotte,
People who make rude comments like that are totally insecure. Ignore them. You're gorgeous, and your belly is just right.
Listen to the people that truly love you…not the ones that just tolerate you.
Question: How can someone not love you? 😉
What was that about cattle ranching? I was so taken aback that there is someone out there with poor enough manners that they would say something nasty to you, I totally missed the cattle thing! 🙂
Brush it off, hon – my mother always used to say "Consider the source"!
Maybe I shouldn't leave a comment because I do know some of the situation. The truth is that you are a great person to get advice from. People everywhere read what you write, because you've been through a lot and learned from it. You've heard everything that most people could tell you and deep inside you know what advice you'd give to someone in your situation. The people that treat you like this DO matter in your life, and it's not a situation that's going to go away. Dealing with it takes an enormous amount of strength, and I don't believe you'd be in the situation you are if you didn't have that strength inside you.
They say the things they say because of their own insecurities, and not because it's true. It's as simple as that. The only thing you can really do is pray really hard to have strength… both to forgive, and to not let it get to you. You are one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out, and it makes me so sad that you or anyone should have to deal with that!
Everyone internalizes things people say about them to some degree. It's hard to just let it go. I think the only way I know how to deal with it is being constantly reassured from other people that it's not true and that I'm awesome, and the other person was an idiot. 🙂
If you thought it would be helpful you could always try talking/writing to these people to tell them how you feel. Just know that there are plenty of us who think you are amazing!!
I can be this way…I try and be as confident as I can and when I can't ignore the comments, I repeat them back to the person in the form of a question. ("Really, you think this skirt makes my ass look big? How?"). If they back down, they were just being mean or not thinking. If they agree then I ask them why.
Often what I think they mean is not what they really mean…or they feel worse about themselves than I do. I've a close relative who has a lot of personal issues they like to foist on the rest of us…I try and remember that.
I still get hurt sometimes, but it helps…