Yeah, this poster has a typo. Several actually. Kids these days.I have the feeling that eventually this will be one of those Turning Points in my life that I’ll talk about later with great insight. But living it thus far has felt anything but profound. Unless you mean profoundly depressing.
Backstory: Wednesday morning I did Turbokick, per my usual. Halfway through the class, the little girls’ room called and I headed out. There was blood, people. A lot of blood. Which is never a good thing when you are pregnant, much less eight months pregnant. Trying not to panic, I raced back into the studio, grabbed my stuff and headed for the nearest stairwell to call my doctor. (The stairwell because the Y has a no-cell-phone policy and I was not having this conversation in the lobby.)
I was on the phone with the nurse and the receptionist for about 5 minutes and on hold for 15 minutes listening to their delightful conver-adver-tisements. (What ever happened to muzak? At least then I can get my James Taylor fix without the embarrassment of having him show up on my iPod. Come on, everyone needs to go “to Carolina in their mind” sometimes!) At first they said they couldn’t see me that day. Um, whaaa? Did I sound too calm or something? But then I told them I was coming in anyhow. Right now. And camping out until somebody saw me. Which is exactly what I did, right after grabbing my kids and bribing them with an entirely scandalous amount of sugar to walk fast and stop asking questions.
Condensed for the squeamish: The baby is fine. I am fine. The doctor concluded that the blood was from either an infection of some sort or “trauma” brought on by my, um, exercise routine. Unfortunately, there was too much blood (!) to test for an infection without sending it out for a culture. So to be safe my doctor decided to treat it as both. I’m on a one-week course of antibiotics. I’m also forbidden to exercise – at all – until the baby is born. When I started quizzing my doctor on what exactly that entailed (“Can I lift weights?” “No.” “Yoga?” “No.” “Walking??” “Not if it involves a track or a treadmill.”) I received a very stern lecture. While she was treating the possible infection she said given my history – she was the one who diagnosed my suppressed thyroid from compulsively over exercising, after all – and what I’d been doing that morning and the fact that I had no pain, she rather thought the bleeding was brought on by… too much strenuous exercise.
I know. I did it again. I can’t believe it either.
My first reaction was total denial. (Okay, my firstfirst reaction was a lot of mental cursing and not of “the little green apples” variety.) I indignantly told her that it’s not like my body isn’t used to this level of exercise and I exercised through my last pregnancy with no problems and I was trying to keep the intensity low and and and… And then I realized: blood is blood. First it was pneumonia and now this. I think my body might be trying to tell me something. Yes, other women run marathons up until their due date. But they are not me. And for whatever reason, my body needs me to slow down.
My next reaction was to get really depressed alternating with self-flagellation. How selfish/silly/insane am I to possibly jeopardize my baby (who is fine by all accounts – they checked) just because I’m too stubborn to listen to my own body? How many times do I have to butt my head against this wall? Where are my priorities??
Today I’m trying to be practical. What this means is that with 6 remaining weeks of pregnancy + a couple of weeks recovery, I have at least a good two months off of exercise. Yes I’m going to miss the first Turbo Jam that my YMCA finally gets to host. Yes I’m going to miss the new releases in my favorite classes. Yes I’m going to gain fat and lose muscle and yes that totally freaks me out. And yes I’m really really going to miss all my friends at the gym.
What I realized today is that I don’t know who I am anymore without exercise to define me. And maybe it’s about time I figure that out. For my daughter’s sake.
PS> Prayers are always appreciated, if you are the praying sort:)
So glad to hear everything is ok! I am so glad you put your foot down and didn't take no for an answer when your doctor's office said they couldn't see you. Your stubbornness has a plus side too!
Take care! Hugs and prayers!
Who are you without exercise? You're Charlotte. You're a mother to some beautiful children. You're a wife. Oh yeah, and you're one kick-ass blogger, one of my favorite bloggers, actually. You're a role model for those who have eating disorders or exercise disorders as your frank discussions of your struggles with it have helped others relate, and have helped those who don't have the disorders to better understand those that do.
I am sure those close to you could add some more to this.
Wow, Charlotte! I'm so happy that you and your daughter are okay. You are in my prayers. I know you can do this … and I know that deep down you know it too.
Definitely. Prayers said, good vibes sent, and yes even (((hugs))).
Charlotte, you have always been the one for exploring new territory. Seems to me that your body is suggesting you take the exploring in a new direction. What about a month or two of "The Great Slacker Experiment"?
The great thing is that you are a strongly talented writer. And nowhere did I read anything that the doctor said which could be construed as stopping writing for the baby's sake. So go write, woman! It's a great outlet when other outlets are denied you.
Quote du jour:
If writing did not exist, what terrible depressions we should suffer from.
Sei Shonagon c. 966 – 1013
Oh wow Charlotte- I can understand how terrified you must feel. But from reading previous posts, you have done it before. The back-link talked about that. And you made it through your tour-de-basements for quite some time without formal exercise either and did very well.
It is a finite amount of time- there will be an end to it. Then you'll be able to get back to what makes you feel good. Your body is definitely trying to get you to back the heck down. And usually the body wins in the end!
Anyway, hugs and prayers sent your way.
you know that we know who you are without exercise. MYRIAD THINGS. Yet that is entirely unimportant if you dont yet know.
(and yes. you are so so much more than an amazing writer who has changed people's lives with your willingness to be honest and step up and lay everything bare for us. normalizing for MANY and making them feel less alone.)
this is your chance, charlotte.
an uncomfortable, challenging, HARD AS HELL chance to finally see what we already see.
we are all here for you.
LEAN ON US as you travel this path.
Carla
So, from the glass half full department (not my usual specialty):
1. It's a really tough challenge but it's temporary;
2. You get an awesome prize at the end (healthy baby);
3. You have tons and tons of people rooting for you;
4. You are the sort of person who thrives on difficult challenges and emerges triumphant.
I'm thinking it's kind of like you're starring in your own reality show. And I know you're going to come out of it a winner, celebrating an immense psychological victory.
Sappy enough? But true. You will be controlling your relationship with exercise, not the other way around.
We are all here for you! Sending many hugs and my (agnostic version of) prayers.
Wow, that is scary! I'm glad you and your baby are okay but I'm sorry you are forbidden to exercise! Honestly, if I were you, I'd feel the same way about not being able to work out. The exact same way. But 2 months (or whatever) does go by very fast and you will have lots to do with the new baby and all the other babies, etc. So I'm sure you'll stay active even if you can't do formal exercise. It'll be okay and remember — you can lose fat and regain muscle but a healthy baby is forevah!
I'm glad to hear everything is ok with you and the baby. I hope it all goes more smoothly than you think it will! I'll send some good vibes your way.
All bodies, pregnant or not, could benefit from a break every now and then. One thing though…I just don't get is how your doctor could come up with two possible diagnoses and decide to treat them both? Mind you, one is to simply avoid exercise. What if it were a possible infection and another possible medical issue that required additional medication. Was she just going to give you both??? And I don't understand how you can have too much blood for a culture. Blood is blood. Personally, I feel it's better to be sure that you actually HAVE an infection before you are put on a course of antibiotics. But I'm not a doctor…
Wow, that was scary; glad everything's OK.
Just think, this can be the year you have the coolest decorated house in the neighborhood for Halloween. Even if you're not into the scary stuff, you can always do the "harvest theme" with pumpkins, crows, haybales, etc. Your kids will love it!
If you go to pumpkin patches, watch where you're sitting. One year I was sitting down on a hay ride and skewered my butt about 3" with a baling wire that was sticking out . That called for a tetanus shot. Something you don't need right now.
Charlotte, exercise will only define you if you allow it too. And I know that you are stronger than that and in these next few months you will clarify who you are and how you can share the greatest parts of yourself with your daughter.
I am glad to hear that everything is okay with you and the baby. I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs!
Glad you and the baby are OK!!
I had a nurse who, at 2 weeks past due date, ran a two mile "fun" run at the medical center! Our land whale finished last 🙂 Baby was born one week later, sigh…
You will make a comeback, stay patient!
I stopped breathing in the beginning of the post, I was so scared.
Without exercise, you're the same person. You're just as beautiful and caring and smart as ever.
I know you mentioned that you volunteer regularly. Would doing something like that more often during your rest time help take your mind off exercise?
Praying for you and that little lady inside you!
I'm glad that you and baby are both okay.
It's really hard when someone tells us we can't do something that means so much to us. As others have said, there are so many other ways to define yourself and this is a good chance for you to explore that. I know you've been through tons of therapy. You can draw on some of the lessons you learned in therapy to look at who you are now and who you want to have been when you look back in twenty years.
This is another challenge, a different type of fitness experiment.
Oh, Charlotte. I'm so glad you and the baby are okay. ((Hugs*)) How incredibly scary. 🙁
I completely agree with Patricia…think of this as another experiment.
Missing out is hard–6 weeks in an aircast? But having a healthy baby (and a healthy YOU) is much better than being there to learn Hip Hop's next Hustle–they still don't know when it's coming, don't worry! (As far as the fitness jam…I'll bring my camera and play paparazzi for you. You'll swear you were there!)
Take care of yourself and that baby!
*Will trade for a real hug the next time I see you!
So glad to hear that you and the baby are okay! This sounds like a great opportunity for you to take some much deserved time off. This is your opportunity to prove to yourself that you are okay without exercise. This could be your best experiment yet! I know you can do it!
My prayers are with you, Charlotte. I'm glad you and the baby are okay.
Charlotte-very glad everything is ok too…I had the same thing happen with my fourth baby (had her in April). I had to quit exercising-not even walking-until I delivered. It was really hard, but I was blessed with a very speedy delivery. Hopefully the same with happen for you.
Exercise is awesome for you, but I think you are aware that if you exercise too much, too hard, too many days in a row, it has the adverse effect. You will get sicker and weaker, and generally hungrier. You aren't giving your body enough time to recover from all of that exercise.
Thank goodness you and baby are fine!! I am so glad you didn't listen and went to the Dr.
The exercise/classes/workout buddies will be there when your and your body are ready to return to it. Use this time for YOURSELF. Hopefully it won't take you long to see that there is so much more to you than an avid excerciser!
Ditto what Mizfit said – she is wonderful! And she knows what she's talking about!!
How do you find such funny pictures? lol!
First of all, hugs and good thoughts your way. So happy everything is ok. So…so…so happy. Did I say I was happy? Ok, just making sure.
Next – this sounds like a great opportunity to dig in your head and really see what's there. If you could never exercise again (the shock, the horror, I know), or hell, if exercise didn't exist – what would you be doing? What would you blog about? What hobbies would you pursue? You are incredibly smart, talented, and passionate – I'm sure the answer is in there somewhere for you to find.
However – I sorta feel ya. I'm still exercising, but I'm forcing myself to take it WAY WAY easier for the next few weeks. Believe me, I'd like to do NOTHING MORE than go sprint out some of this pre-wedding stress, but it became obvious to me that my body needed a break. So this week I'm doing nothing more strenuous than dance (video game or partner studio variety)and maybe a leisurely bike ride. Next week and the week after MIGHT have a run, but only if I really really feel rested enough.
My mind is racing "but but but you're going to get fat and it's right before your wedding and and and…", but the scale doesn't lie and I'm actually losing weight for the first time in months. I'd say that's a sign.
Ok, sorry for the novel length comment. Have a great weekend, and glad you and baby are ok!
Charlote –
I've been following your blog for a few months now – having found it and felt as if my voice was coming out through your posts! I really felt compelled to comment today after reading today's entry.
I seriously can't imagine how terrifying that must have been… I am definitely keeping you in my prayers/thoughts.
My husband and I are starting the process of trying to get pregnant -and by that I mean I have not menstrated for over a year due to -what the doctor's think – was overexercise and stress. I do not look like I am underweight – in the least (120lbs 5'4"). But I went through a faze of major bootcamp/calorie reduction. 120 is the lowest I have ever been – and for some reason (like you said in your post) "my body" wasn't havin it. I have struggled with body image for a long time- and continue to struggle to be honest. I've been told to gain weight and that will help 'get my cycle' back. Let's be frank – The thought of gaining weight makes me feel ill.
All that being said (rambleramble) – taking care of your body has to be paramount – even if it means getting a little 'soft' – you know that you can always pick up and start again. Pot calling the kettle black over here… 😉
But I wanted to say thank you for givng so many people a voice – and for being so candid about topics that are brushed under the carpet.
Know that you are making a difference.
Much love to you and the little pumpkin.
You have my prayers.
I really hope you take it easy. My mom lost her placenta with my younger brother (overdoing it running around with my sister and I- we were at the zoo for 8 hours the day she lost it). She was in the hospital for 2 months waiting for him to finish growing. It was really hard on all of us (though my little brother did turn out well!).
My prayers are with you – I was on bedrest at the end of both my successful pregnancies and many, many years later – I have 2 amazing daughters and hardly a memory of that time. Use this time to find yourself, read a book, write a book, do a scrapbook, paint your nails – see it as a few extra hours each week before your world is upside down with a newborn.
My first thought when I think of you is "FUNNY!!!", not exercise. 🙂 fyi.
I am so glad you & baby are fine! I have to say that first!!! I also want to say you are not alone in terms of your thoughts of exercise & who you are without that! I can NOT relate to the baby part but I can to the "who am I without the exercise & being fit". I know in a life threatening position, I would have to chose no exercise over exercise BUT I know I would be think about gaining weight, fat & loss of muscle.
Charlotte, you hit home. Who are we without our exercise. Maybe this is a good thing for you & I will think more about it. I already knew this about myself but I need to address it.
PLS be safe & careful. Your baby is oh so important & you are too to yourself & your family & friends out here!
Charlotte! I thought of you during my Body Combat class today (seriously I'm not being cruel) and I THINK I may have found a good exercise options for you that is NOT really exercise. Do you know of a woman from decades ago called Callan Pickney? She's pseudoEnglish and created this exercise called (what else) Callanetics- google it- you might even be able to u-tube some of the exercises. Anyway, it's just a step up from isometric exercises in that you do tiny pulses. People can and do swear by it and I remember when I first took it I was SORE!! Let me know if you find anything on it! My girlfriend in the UK still does it and swears it transforms her body with no impact or stress!!
More hugs and prayers from here!
Sometimes we need a HUGE sign, from our bodies/the universe/G-d. Like many here have said, perhaps this is a blessing in disguise; you have SO MUCH to offer! To your kids, your husband, your friends. You touch so many people, people you've never met in person, (including, no, ESPECIALLY me!) through this blog.
I hope you can begin to see yourself for the amazing, brave, funny, smart, wonderful person you are, the one we all know.
Take care of yourself and that little munchkin inside of you! (I wish I lived nearby so I could help you out!)
It goes without saying that you and the baby are in my prayers. We'll miss you, but you take care of yourself. You'll be back before you know it.
By the way, good call on James Taylor. You gotta love Secret O' Life. 🙂
Very thoughtfull post on fitness. It should be very much helpfull
Thanks,
Karim – Mind Power
Praying, praying, praying.
So glad you're okay, so glad the little one is okay.
I know just how difficult it is to "let go" of a disordered mindset, no matter how logical the reasons may be.
I will be praying that God gives you serenity and peace with yourself and your body.
You are beautiful, Charlotte, exercise or no.
What a scary thing, Charlotte, but what a perfect opportunity for another 'experiment'! How about "Charlotte's Great Knitting Experiment"… or perhaps "The Great Gardening Experiment"…. err, perhaps not. Wrong time of year, isn't it?
You will get through this just fine, and have a wonderful daughter as the result. I know that you, as the superb parent that you are, would be willing to sacrifice a lot more than just a few weeks of exercise in order to ensure a healthy, happy baby!
And remember – whenever God closes a door, he opens a window.
So glad you and the little babe are fine. Prayers and good vibes comin' your direction.
1. Sending prayers your way Charlotte for you, your daughter, and all your boys as well (hubby included).
2. Love James Taylor. No shame in that.
3. Take care my friend. I know these next 6 weeks will be a challenge, but I bet you'll come back even stronger. No doubt about it.
Charlotte, I found your blog on HEAB's blogroll, and I've been reading it for a few weeks because you are a courageous, articulate and hilarious woman. I'd be interested in your take on just about anything. You're a very good writer. Personally, I recommend getting obsessed with four or five tv shows for the next few weeks, just to ensure that you rest & are bored. But when you get a minute, think about getting paid to write what you write.
And I know Deb means well, but please ignore the idea that you can 'pulse' anything right now — all muscle activity gets the biochemistry going, and could raise your BP, heart rate, etc.. — not good.
I'm thinking Ken Burns documentaries, or BBC comedies. Take care, however you choose to do it.
Other than, I'm horribly sorry you had that experience, I can say I'm with you sistah. Isn't it interesting how when you don't listen to your body, the body SCREAMS at you, until it's impossible to ignore? Sigh. Make a daily bath your "workout." Put structure into your rest, i.e. 15 min. of side lying, that's my advice.
Julia – that may be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me! How did you know how much I adore British comedies?? Thanks for the cheering up:)
A day late, but here's my dollar.
Praying for you and the baby, Charlotte. For ALL kinds of health: physical, emotional, mental.
Eep…I'm glad you were OK.
Take this as time to spend with your family and focus on other things you've been meaning to catch up on…there will always be time for exercise later.
You were just trying to look after yourself, so don't beat yourself up about it. You took your body's hint at face value – for what it's worth from a stranger, I am so very proud of you for that 🙂
Be well 🙂
Oh Charlotte. I'm the praying sort. so I will. heaps of love x