Puerile. That would be the best word to describe the radio show I sometimes listen to in the a.m. Most mornings I’m very grown-up with my NPR and my unsweetened oatmeal but occasionally a girl needs some good Hollywood gossip – complete with a quiz where they tazer the person on the butt if they get the answer wrong – to go with her Cap’n Crunch. (You know what’s really awesome? Cap’n Crunch cooked in with Rice Krispie treats. Mmm… craving.) In addition to a self-deprecating lead male D.J. and a psychic who says things like, “I see an aura around you… There’s going to be change coming in your life! You feel that warm feeling spreading down you? That means I’m right!” (What – change? In life?! No way. And I love how he describes psychic vibes in the same terms the rest of us use to discuss peeing our pants. Anyhow.), they also have a female co-host, Lena, who is spunky, funny, and adorable – albeit with a few cringeworthy girly-isms.
I blame the latter trait for her announcement the other morning, in typical girly fashion: “I need to lose weight! I’m going on South Beach.” One of the premises of the whole morning show is how freaking hot this chick is so I went and looked her up. This is her hosting the New Kids on the Block at a recent Mall of America event:
What. A. Cow. Right? Ahem. If she needs to lose weight then somebody alert Cindy Crawford that she’d better join the Jenny Craig team. At first I thought she was just pulling the lame-but-oft-used pretty girl trick of whining about your weight to garner compliments but apparently she is serious as she and her co-hosts have been going on and on about how great she looks now that she’s dropping pounds. Finally, after days of this, one of them asked, “So how much weight are you going to lose?”
Her reply? “Until people tell me I’m too skinny and they’re worried about me.”
The guy agreed with her, “Oh yeah, that’s how you know when you’re finally looking good – when people start pulling that ‘I’m so worried about you’ line.” Then he summed up the popular opinion of the day, saying something along the lines of, “Normal sucks. Normal isn’t gorgeous. You have to be super thin to look good.” And the anorexic in me was screaming, “I knew it!!”
My husband will tell you that I’m notorious for missing when people are joking but I’m pretty sure these two were serious. Mostly because they are not the first people to say this. Normal is so last season – and it isn’t just weight. Nobody wants to be described as “average” or “ordinary” or, heaven help you, “just fine.” People would rather be anything but normal, no matter how awful the alternative – a fact that Tila Tequila has banked her entire career on.
But what is so wrong about normal? From a weight standpoint, normal is the best place to be. It is the very heavy and, oh yes, the very skinny who have the highest mortality rates. Unlike in fashion, if you are interested in good health, then there is such a thing as too skinny. From a life standpoint, while we laud the exceptional, normal has a lot to recommend it.
Recently I came across a story about Paige Epler, a thirteen-year-old at George Mason University who has the distinction of being the youngest person to earn a high school diploma. I am not impugning Ms. Epler’s achievement but I do worry about a girl who not only graduates high school at 13 but speed-reads a book in 15 minutes, plays the violin so expertly that she was featured at a luncheon for President Obama, designed and implemented a shark exhibit for the Smithsonian and in all her free time plays “everything from Little League and soccer to karate and flag football, in which she is ‘a really good quarterback.'”
Not knowing Paige at all, I can’t speak to her mental health or how she’s handling all of her success but if history is any guide, the world is not kind to grown-up child prodigies. What can you hope to accomplish at 30 when you set that kind of precedent at 13? As I discovered myself on a much smaller scale, no matter what you do, inevitably people will accuse you of not living up to your potential. Already there are people pointing out that while Epler may be the youngest person to graduate high school she is not the youngest to start college. See? Who does she think she is being all proud of graduating at 13 when March Tian Boedihardjo started University at 9 and Alia Sabur graduated from college at 14?
I’m not saying that people shouldn’t be encouraged to maximize all their talents. Achievement is good but it’s not everything. Rather, I’d like to see society encouraging people to be happy, to be healthy, to be kind to others. It took me a long time to notice because they are not often acclaimed but the happiest people I know are not those who are the skinniest or the smartest or the highest-paid or even the most talked about. But they are the wisest. Unfortunately normal doesn’t sell magazines or up radio show ratings.
What makes you happiest? Anyone else cringe a little when people insist their child will read before Kindergarten or their 5-year-old will practice soccer for ten hours a day? How do you draw the line between “becoming your best self” (thank you Oprah) and just making yourself crazy?
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/family-and-relationships/is-your-daughter-too-good-for-her-own-good/article1294821/
This article is pretty relevant to your point- and something you've written about on more than one occassion.
I think I've given up on the idea of normal, and I'm just trying to accept myself, but it's pretty hard to do when you don't know exactly who you are, and what you want.
I like to believe I'm happy where I am (and I know I'm happier than I've been at other points in my life), but at times it's hard to pull back and see the big picture, and whether the life that I'm building is the one that I really want…
I have become a big believer in the concept of balance. It started when I was trying not to be consumed by my eating disorder (ironically, several years ago – I then relapsed fairly bad, and then started getting better again). The idea of finding a balance between eating too much and not enough, between exercising too much and not enough. Between eating healthy foods and guilty indulgences. 😀
I then started studying Buddhism as a sociological theory. It has a lot of interesting things to say about the idea of balance. Buddhism tends to embrace all things in balance (well I guess not ALL things in balance, but you get the idea), but places an even bigger emphasis on not being consumed by these things. You don't eat too much and you don't not eat enough, but more than all that, you don't let your appetite – or fighting your appetite – take up too much of your mind and your time. You don't spend huge amounts of time cooking and eating and planning binges, and you don't spend huge amounts of time counting calories or exercising or focus on what you AREN'T eating. That, more than anything, has helped me – instead of FOCUSING on trying to be balanced in your eating, you let it happy while you focus on other things. And after nearly 15 years with an eating disorder, this has actually helped me more than a lot of things over the years.
Sorry to go off on the tangent. I do think the same reasoning applies here. I'm not happy when I'm lazy and don't do ANYTHING, but I'm also not happy when I'm crazy busy all the time. I think, again, there's a balance between overachieving and not achieving enough. But, again, I think focusing too hard on finding that balance can become an obsession in and of itself, and even though your ACTIONS seem proportionate, the concept is still taking up a disproportionate amount of your time. Different people are happy at different levels of achievement, in different areas. When you feel happy AND productive, you've more or less reached that balance. So then you go with it, and don't let it keep consuming your time.
I hate that we have allowed the invisible "They" to take over our lives. "They" say you're too fat, not accomplished enough, too lazy, too active, etc.
Who are these folks telling a 13 year-old she's not doing enough?!?!?! I'd like to know what they'd accomplished by the time they were 13!
Kids need time to be kids. I DEFINITELY cringe at over-achieving parents who demand that their kids get into the preschool that will guarantee they then get into Harvard, or will be world class concert pianists, or what have you. Our kids are not tiny extensions of ourselves, they do not exist in order to fulfill our unreached goals. Kids are human beings, individuals who need to find their own paths and make their own mistakes, as well as have their own triumphs.
Being a mom of kids with special needs has taken me out of the perfect Mommy competition, and I'm so glad! I have learned more from my kids by letting them be who they are then I ever could have if I'd tried to mold them into something they are not. (And, yes, the people I know who are Highly Accomplished are also, for the most part, highly unhappy!)
Normal, IMHO, is highly underrated.
Normal is INDEED highly underrated.
When we first had our daughter my husband would often say how he wished for her to be average.
of intelligence.
of "gifts"
just HAPPILY AVERAGE.
with emphasis on the happy.
not the budding tennis star (we have friends with one of those) or the child who is practically in college at 10 years old (one of those too) but a happy normal middle of the pack girl.
I didnt get it at first…until I did.
Life is challenge enough.
I agree with you 100% that normal is no longer good enough, and I also agree that the people who strive to be beyond normal — the richest, the skinniest, the most successful, the most beautiful, the most fashionable, the sluttiest, the one with the collest stuff, etc. are rarely happy people. In fact, I'd say the more people strive to be so unusual that they can get attention, the more miserable they become because eventually people will stop being amazed by them. For instance, I have a hard time believing that Tila Tequila is genuinely happy or, if she is happy, that she will remain so after her star fades, her body ages and people lose interest in her…
For me, I'd prefer to do the things I enjoy — working out, spending time with my husband, traveling, working on my PhD — and just be myself. I don't need to be the skinniest or prettiest or richest. I just want to be thin enough to be healthy and comfortable with myself and have enough money to have a place to live and the ability to travel. And I want a career that I like and maybe children (eventually).
I got SO frustrated the other day when I was talking to a kindergarten teacher who was bemoaning the fact that SOME kids are coming to school not being able to read! According to her, it meant the parents were BAD PARENTS.
I'm sorry, but when did it become standard for kids to be able to read before they were 5? I learnt to read at school and I hardly think my parents were bad.
I think the idea of normal keeps changing with the idea of perfect. Normal is average and nobody wants to admit that average is not bad. Perfect is the only way to go. We're all supposed to be geniuses and prodigies and when we're not, obviously something has gone wrong.
I think it's about balance and acceptance. Not that we shouldn't strive to be better, but we shouldn't expect everyone to be perfect or ourselves to be perfect.
Sorry for the ramble.
Funny that I have a new post today titled "Why Be Normal?" Who's channeling who 🙂
My take on normal is from a different point of view. It's all good!
What a great post & making us think!!!!
I do worry sometimes abut stress on children at such an early age with school & lots of homework starting in first grade & parents that are pushing their kids at 2 years old & more. It is a tough call.
I consider myself "normal" & may have not reached high achievements intellectually but I think I have done a alot in my fitness area that makes me say I accomplished some cool things.
I do see some merit to just being happy. A lot of stressed people are out there doing some really crazy things like hurting their families & more. There has to be a happy medium.
Great post Charlotte! And Yes, Dr. J had a different take on normal.
PS: On finding "it" from your comment to me this morn.. I keep finding different things along the way. It does not stay the same except that I continue to love the weights.
I think that when you start believing your own hype and thinking that you really are the best at X, you need to take a step back and re-evaluate your priorities before you become insufferable. (Anyone else think of the Big Bang Theory episode where a North Korean child genious beats Sheldon, and how Sheldon freaked out?).
I'm not sure how I stumbled across your blog but I've been following it for a few weeks now. As you started describing the morning show you "occasionally" listen to I was like – Hey that sounds like the morning show I listen to – and then you mentioned Lena and threw up the picture at the MOA and knew it indeed was! That show is horribly ridiculous but kind of addicting.
Thanks for the article. Very interesting information.
My daughter is in tennis and likes it a lot. My goal at this point (she is 7 yrs old) is for her to have FUN and develop her unique talents at her own pace.
As a former "coach's kid" I know how much pressure and high expectations can destroy the whole point of sports for a kid. And it doesn't just come from your own parents, I used to get a lot of comments from OTHER parents when I was a kid. I got the message loud and clear that it was not ok for me to just be a "normal" tennis player.
Now as a parent, it kills me to watch other parents yelling at their kids from the sidelines. It is one thing to hope your kid is talented at something, but it isn't ok to force that expectation on them at such a young age.
I started school at 4 and it wasn't so bad…but I was independant enough my parents thought I'd be OK. I grew up as a bright kid…even got offered to skip a grade but my parent's thought I'd be just fine where I was. And I was. I appreciate them just letting me grow up and be a kid and have fun. And honestly…there's always something you can pick on if you want to find something wrong. I mean I was a bright kid, but overweight…I needed to lose about 40 Lbs and didn't kick it until college…everyone has something…it's just easier to see in some of us than others 🙂
Right now I'm deleriously happy to be normal. I can do what I like when I like and try and just look after myself. It's too easy to slip into "fix me" mode and get off on a tangent. Having a loving husband who thinks I rock helps…he reminds me that I'm OK the way I am. 🙂
Yes, I totally agree. I have to stop reading productivity books/websites because they stress me out. We are always supposed to be doing MORE and BETTER. I just have to disconnect with it or it will drive me totally crazy.
My husband is a guidance counselor and he sees parents all the time trying to figure out how to make sure their kids go to ivy schools. The pressure is just so much! And I dated a guy whose parents put so much pressure on him that he began making up stories of these amazing achievements! That is no way to live.
I read with my kids but don't make it work. I push my kids to do their best at something but never say their best isn't good enough. And we make plenty of time to be silly. Whether it is planned or unplanned. That is when I am happiest and I think my kids are too. When things just naturally unfold.
That is how I want my kids' studies, talents, hobbies, etc to occur. Naturally and because they enjoy it. And if they are only average but smiling the whole time, perfect.
Sorry, chiming back in again: reading in KINDERGARTEN?!?!?! WHA?!?!?! That's a bit much, isn't it?
And I used to see kids at auditions being scolded by their parents for not getting a job, whether it was a commercial, a TV guest spot, or even a low-paying theater gig. The odds of getting ANY job are about 1,000 to 1, unless you're already well known. But a lot of these parents depend on their kids for the family's income. Can you imagine being 8 years old and the sole breadwinner for your family?
I like being on the leaner side and I say 'I' very vehemently. I do it because I feel best that way (and I mean lean, not skinny).
In terms of scholastic achievement – I am the mother of a 16 yo over achiever. As much as we have supported her to reach her potential, we have also pulled her back to still be a kid. She could have been in college by age 14 or 15 but what would that accomplish? She is still learning in High School and will be able to benefit from the maturity that age brings. She recently threw away being valedictorian to change schools for her senior year – she decided that going back to her old school and the potential to have a fun senior year were more important than the title. When guidance asked what we wanted for her for college, our answer was to learn and be happy – not to go to an ivy. We did the ivy tour because everyone told her she should go so we took her but together, we decided that it was not for her. She already pushes too hard and needs a more supportive, smaller environment. She will still go to a great school and will hopefully be a better adult for it.
Now my younger one has seen this go on for years and is so nicely adjusted. A good student, a good athlete and a great friend. She says she never envies her sister’s brains because of all that comes with it.
Parents, keep them kids for as long as you can – they will grow up soon enough.
I was reading chapter books in kindergarten and practicing my times tables the night before to make sure I wouldn't be behind, heh. Of course my parents encouraged it, but I was happy doing it. I was given the choice to skip ahead FOUR grades but I didn't want to because I didn't want to leave my friends. Still to this day, happy I made that choice at age 5.
Everything I did I wanted to be the BEST at (for a while, until I lost interest). Luckily, it ended up that I just ended up with a little experience at a lot of things that I liked to do.
I still don't feel like it would be enough to be normal. Normal leaves me feeling… average. Mundane. So I definitely identify, but I think that it's not necessarily a bad thing to want to not be normal. That's for all the normal people. 🙂
Quote du jour:
Normality is a condition only arbitrarily definable.
– William Golding
This was a great post that really resonated w/ me. My 6yo recently got bumped up a grade and I am having mixed feelings about it. Part of me knows she can succeed at the tougher work but part of me wants her to enjoy being "6" too … *sigh* I have never been an over-achiever in anything, just happily average in all of my life endeavors. My greatest hope for my girls is to be happy and healthy. Simple as that.
Oh, Charlotte. "…And the anorexic in me was screaming, "I knew it!!"
You don't know how often lately the BF and I have had conversations where I admit to wanting to purge and he reminds me that I am already in a deficit. The other day I had a DQ Cheeseburger and proceeded to want to rid myself of it even though I was in the midst of a 10K walk and had a 8K run scheduled for that evening. I was obsessed that I was the devil and weak for eating it. *Sigh*
To set your mind at ease, I never did what I wanted to do. We justified it with the walking, running, and restricted eating for the rest of the day. 3 steps forward and 2 steps back of late…
Like Dr. J above, I also had a post called "Why be normal"? I guess that's the question going around these days- all with different spins and different angles.
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