Well that’s a bummer.The leaves changing color, the nip in the air, the never ending back-to-school nights with their ten-page supply lists are all signs of the season change, sure, but nothing announces the advent of fall in suburbia like the pitter-patter of little soccer cleats across a field. (That would be football for everyone outside the States. It was probably unnecessary to clarify that but I have one surprisingly dedicated reader in Singapore and I’ll be rather disappointed if I ever lose them.)
Raise your hand if you played soccer as a kid. I imagine that includes everyone. Tying on your shin guards and wrestling those tube socks up over your knees is a right of passage for children everywhere. But so is something else: getting your butt kicked. In fact, if you were me, that was pretty much all soccer entailed. (And softball and basketball and volleyball and football. True story: I was the only girl on my high school Powder Puff team to get not a single second of playing time in a game.)
These days things have changed. With the advent of non-competitive leagues and a general aura of Everyone’s a Winner, kids spend a lot less time losing than I did. Many have griped about this, saying that we are coddling our kids and it makes them weaker, unable to handle real world defeat when it smacks them across the face in adulthood. But I, for one, actually find it refreshing. My childhood spent sucking at every conceivable group sport left me with a lifelong hatred of group sports that I have only been able to overcome in my late twenties. I’ll admit it: I still get jittery playing something as simple as a pick-up game of frisbee.
The difference in these viewpoints is how you see the purpose of sports. Despite having a very competitive nature, the main purpose of sports for me is to exercise and to have fun. For many other people, however, it is to win. This has played out in an interesting fashion in my kids.
This fall the husband and I decided to enroll our two eldest boys in the city soccer league, non-competitive division. I figured they’d get some fresh air and learn about teamwork. If things went really well they might even learn the rules of the game – a feat I never accomplished in all my time on the field. This is exactly what my five-year-old got. His team has no goalie and players routinely put themselves on the sidelines when they’d rather play with their dinosaurs than the other kids. Snack time is the highlight. They have lost every single game.
Compare that to my seven-year-old’s team. Their coach and half their players are from the competitive league and apparently use the non-competitive league as a warm up for their season. They have assigned positions, complicated plays and drills that involve an amazing amount of coordination. Not only have they won every single game but my son came home this last time shouting, “We beat ’em 16 to 1! And that was only because Coach told us to let them get one in at the end!” Cue the sad violins for the opposing team.
As you would expect, this caused many tears from the five-year-old and hours of bragging from the seven-year-old (not that it takes much to induce either crying or bragging in our house these days). You’d think that this would be evidence to run the team in the latter manner. And yet, despite my older son’s joy at winning – and I say this with great love – he’s by far the worst player on his team. This has led his coach to say, within his hearing, “Only kick the ball to Andersen if he’s the only person around and then stay right on it.” You should have seen his big puppy eyes fill with tears when he asked me why no one would pass him the ball. He also only gets assigned to play one defensive position in the very back, where he never sees the ball much less touches it. The other parents whisper things like “state college” and “band scholarship” behind their hands and won’t look me in the eyes.
Of course it all makes me very upset. Come on, that’s what I do. The husband is more zen about the whole thing saying about both sons, “Eh, they’re having fun. They’re learning stuff.” The tears that I see as heart-breaking he sees as character-building. It’s not just our family that’s divided on the group sports issue. When I posted on Facebook about how I’m not cut out to be a soccer mom (I believe I actually used the phrase “soccer sucks” ’cause I’m mature like that), I got an amazing array of responses – everything from total agreement to total disdain leading me to conclude that soccer, not Al Franken, is the great polarizing force in our generation.
So now I have to know your opinion! When you play sports, do you play to win? What is your philosophy about kids and sports? In the picture above, which guy is getting the worse end of the deal? Seriously, I’ve been looking at it for like 10 minutes and I still can’t decide.
PS> Thank you so much to everyone who left me a comment on my Compulsive Pregnant Exerciser post – your kind comments, prayers and support got me through this weekend! I can’t tell you all how much it means to me!!
I must say I fall solidly on the side of non-competitive for young kids. As they get older they can decide whether to move to competitive sports or stay with it just for fun. (From what I've seen, it's the PARENTS who are more competitive than the kids, and they're the problem, not their offspring.)
Some kids, like adults, thrive under pressure. And some don't. (I DEFINITELY fall into the latter category, lol!)
I don't think we can say one type is best for everyone.
Well this is a fine time to learn that I was supposed to have spent my youth with a soccer ball. 🙁
Screw this country, I'm movin' to Singapore!
Mind you, I'm coming from the perspective where the last two words of your title were not needed. But it is true that when I was growing up, soccer was not yet The Big Thing.
My parents put me in every team sport imaginable. I am probably one of the least coordinated person you'll ever meet, so anything involving a ball, or throwing/catching, is a horrible idea for me. I also have 2 left feet. I attended a Jazz exercise class for oh..a week , until I poked the instructor in the eye while flailing my limbs in an erratic manner. This incident happened, oh…5 days ago. My gym is less accepting of this, so I have switched to Pilates. Much less flailing required.
My little brother plays competitive hockey, and my parents love carting him (and his smelly equipment! blech) around the province for games. I think it totally does teach camaraderie, and how to strategize, which is good. However, it has also induced some unnecessarily competitive behaviour at home- my brother is fond of telling me that ' I'm bad at sports'. My response is something along the lines of "well obviously, but realistically I have other skills, so I'm not too bummed out about the situation". Hmph. He thinks he's soooo smart.
I played semi-competitive soccer as a child. Semi, because I didn't like soccer and picked flowers to give to my mom on the sideline while everyone else played. But I had a good time and got some exercise. I started competitive basketball at 8 and played for the next 10 years at a high level.
I think non-competitve is better for the younger kids. It's about trying out a sport, learning teamwork, and making friends. There's plenty of time to be competitive later in life. Plus, too much too early and you're destined for burnout once you hit the high school level.
I never played competitive sports and for this simple reason: I get SO upset if I do not win. That goes for board games, card games, bets, the lottery, whatever. So no… no competitive sports. It would consume my life.
But if I had kids, I think I would put them onto a sports team. My husband is European and thus obsessed with soccer and I think not having at least one of his potential future kids play soccer would be heartbreaking for him lol. Which isn't to say that they'd necessarily be any good at soccer…
Also, my husband is a sweetest person I've ever met, but he grew up under a Communist Regime which then ended leaving absolute chaos in its wake so I'm pretty sure he'd consider losing a soccer game as a kid character-building rather than emotionally damaging. I mean, from his perspective, as long as no one gets killed and the government doesn't collapse and we all have easy access to toilet paper and bread, he's all set 😉
It's funny, I loved competitive sports as a kid, but now I fear them as an adult because I'm afraid I'll screw up. I know would have been miserable if I'd been pushed into participating as a kid and didn't totally want to myself.
So while I think it might be reasonable to encourage kids to be involved in some kind of activity, I'm with those who think it should be the kids choice whether that activity involves a big emphasis on winning. Some kids thrive and others are traumatized, and I don't think the latter kids "learn" much other than low self-esteem.
I was very competitive! It fit my personality, and my chosen field of work. I can't say that it was a bad thing because I don't know if I would have accomplished as much if I wasn't. That said, when I play tennis now, I don't even play games, just rally, and it's made me a better player.
I was kicked out of a footie game when I was 10 years old. In my defense, the goalie dove to get the ball at the same time I was kicking. His face hit my foot, not the other way around. Almost 20 years later and I'm still bitter about it.
I don't do well at ball sports. As a kid, this meant that I was constantly teased.
While I think competition can be fun, I also think that we, as a society, tend to put a bit too much emphasis on doing well at sports, and not enough on anything else.
For example, my high school was a football school, and we were one of the best teams (top 2). Almost every single football player who graduated my year ended up transferring out of school and going to community college in my town. They couldn't handle not being popular and having to work to make friends and get dates.
I never played competitive sports as a kid, partly because I missed the day when they explained all the rules. Sometimes I had to participate in the stupid kickball games at recess, and I never really understood more than "kick the ball" and "run in the pattern you saw everyone else running in." Fouls and all that were beyond me.
As an adult, it turns out that I'm not as bad at sports as I previously though. I just need things broken down for me in excruuuuciating detail. This is true for most things that require coordination — driving a stick shift, riding a moped, operating my husband's fancy coffee maker. I wonder if the rules had been explained to me and I'd actually gotten to ask some questions about the sports if I would have enjoyed sports more.
I hope your son gets that opportunity. Maybe the coach could suggest some things he could work on, or maybe the poor kid has some questions he's too shy to ask because everyone else on the team obviously knows the answers to them and he's afraid of looking dumb by asking.
Still have the hatred of group sports. Do not play. If I did, I think I would be the playing-for-fun type, as I've never been all that competitive.
I've been playing soccer all summer with a rec league and we won 2nd place in our league- the funny thing was, none of us cared about winning. The REASON we made a soccer team was so that we would all be able to get together and hang out a couple times a week, because generally everyone's so busy that we don't all get to see each other. It was because we were having so much fun and NOT taking the game seriously, I think, that we managed to do so well!
We don't enroll our children in organized sports until at least 1st grade and only if they come to us and ask to be on the team. I have been fortunate enough to find organizations with a good balance. My son's flag football team plays competatively, but there is a rule that every team member gets to play every position at some point and all the kids get equal playing time regardless of ability. There are complex plays, but the coaches instruct the kids to hand the ball to even the least skilled player and if the play gets messed up it's no big deal. No one is scolded or yelled at for making a mistake; it's very positive and age appropriate coaching.
Everyone is aware of who won at the end of a game, but the coaches enforce good sportsmanship practices. I have never seen tears or upset players on either team after any game. My son has won some games and it makes him happy. He has lost a couple games and it's no big deal. I'm glad he did. It does build character. I have seen my son run over to an opposing team member in the parking lot after losing a game and tell the winner "good game." Before his first game and I heard him say "Yeah, we're going to beat them so bad!" it was a teaching opportunity to talk about why we enrolled him in football and how we expected him to behave.
When studying education at college, I learned about an experiment conducted after the whole "we can't let children lose because it will crush their self-esteem" philosophy really took off. So these 5-6 year old kids in the study took academic tests where there were no wrong answers. The computer just kept changing the wording of the question until the kid got it right. Then they put these kids in a regular class room environment and they fell apart. Any mistake or correction was overwhelming to the children.
Somehow we think it's this "either or" scenerio; either we have to completely coddle kids or we have to be the soccer Nazi. Can't we teach them that we learn by making mistakes? That their self worth has absolutely nothing to do with their athletic abilities? The first time my daughter came home with a spelling pre-test with red X's all over it, I said, "Good. If you got every word right on the pre-test, you wouldn't be able to learn anything this week."
I think organized sports and activities (competative or not) start WAY too young in this country. Toddlers and small children should be running around the yard and playing ball with their family at the park, not spending hours every week rushing to lessons, standing around waiting their turn to play, wearing elaborate costumes and uniforms with parents throwing away insane amounts of money that could be saved for college.
With kids and sports I think 95% of the time it is the parents that end up being the problem causers.
Also competitive sports is one thing, but the early age at which competitive-tryout teams start now is ridiculous. My nephew got cut from the 7th grade ultra-competitive basketball league and was told that because of this, he had no chance of ever playing high school basketball. He was 12 years old!! In that way I think the popularity of certain sports (such as soccer & basketball) has ruined it for kids.
It was hard for me to keep a straight face when my daughter said she didn't want to play soccer anymore 🙂
I'm not a fan of competitive group sports. I tried to quit as soon as my parents enrolled me, because I didn't like the thought of being the one responsible for losing a game… I did enjoy more individual sports, like swimming, which made it my sport of choice throughout school.
I want my kids to enjoy playing these kinds of games, and perhaps decide to become more serious about doing them competitively in the future. But at 5 or 7 years old, I think the point is to learn the game and how to play well with others, and have fun…
I agree with you Charlotte. I have a deep seeded hatred of all team sports due to the embarrassment suffered as being the only person my teammates referred to as "mostly retarded". I fail at all team sports. My youth experiences with sports left such a bad taste in my mouth that I actively refused to let my oldest son play city league basketball until both he and his mom begged me. I finally realized that maybe he wouldn't have such a horrible time. And that if he was going to suck at sports, he should get it out of the way sooner than later.
Attending his games put me into a panic that my wife just can't seem to understand.
I actually never played soccer. I am all for noncompetitive leagues. If I had a kid who loved it and wanted to go competitive I wouldn't have a problem with it, but I'd much rather them just have fun especially when they are little.
To a degree I get the need for it just to be fun and non-competitive…but why is it so wrong to teach our kids that it is okay if they aren't the best? It's okay to lose!
I played sports all growing up and I can tell you that I know that helped with my self confidence and compassion. I was never the best v-ball player, but I was part of the team. Our soccer team was always at the bottom, but we played our best and always felt like that was enough. I was never a sore loser. I think at 5, sure…it should be fun. But as they get older, to me there is nothing wrong with healthy competition and goal setting and for some kids (ME!) sports competition was the road for that.
I didn't play soccer (beyond PE), I was more of a dance/ice skating/gymnast/diver (you have a team for support but your performance is your own). I definitely played to win, but winning was more about beating MY score, conquering MY fear, throwing new and scary tricks, etc.
I think that's why I'm loving training and running races. I have a bunch of people around to push me and get that competitive energy during a race, but really, I'm just trying to be my time.
No way! I also didn't get a single minute of playing time on my high school Powder Puff team!
High five 🙂
I wanted to make a second comment on this post 🙂
One of the things that I liked to see in school sports was where everyone that wanted to be on the team was. No cutting. It's painful to be cut from a team. The less talented players practice, but don't represent the school in competitions.
A friend and I were in a doubles tennis match with two much better players, though perhaps they were less team oriented. Before the match, I called my buddy over and said I wanted to tell him our strategy. I said, "We are going to lose!" He laughed and all the pressure was off. We killed them
🙂
Did anyone hear Michael Jordon's speech when he was inducted into the basketball hall of fame? Talk about being bitter. Mike, let it go 🙂
I do not like & never have liked team sports due to this competitiveness & it all becomes stress to me.. all about win & no fun. I was on team sports in junior high & I recall probs back then, a long time ago. But now, I see all these stories of kids fighting & parents & coaches swearing & fighting & yelling at kids all about "this win".
I guess I understand the need for kids to learn competitiveness & all for future "crap" in the world, but how young do we really need to start this…
AND, these crazy goings on at the leagues & games that I see on TV all the time.. has to stop!
I think it would depend on the kid. Some kids (like some adults) thrive on competition and find it motivating. Others of them find it demoralizing.
Personally, I hated sports as a kid, and didn't find that kind of competition motivating at all. These days I'm still just as bad, and prefer to avoid playing sports, but if cornered into it I can usually make a joke out of the fact that I'm SO bad.
I'd rather take a dance class. 😉
hm. i'm definitely competitive, but i can't go into a game thinking that or it'll be AWFUL. i have to go in with an "eh, i'll just have fun and enjoy myself" attitude and let my loosened self combine with my competitive self for a kick-ass performance. it's as true in hockey as it is in triathlon, weirdly enough.
as for kids in sports … i think as they start out, it should be for fun, just so they can develop that love for fitness and activity. slowly wean them into competition and the whole winner/loser thing, but stress the FUN aspect of it throughout their entire experience because, after all, what's a sport? A GAME and games are supposed to be fun. like basketball never was for me. *ahem*.
for the picture … i think the guy on bottom is worse off. i'd rather accidentally be sitting on top of someone's head than have someone sitting on mine.
… and i've played one organized soccer game in my life when a hockey teammate begged me to fill in on her intramural team for a game.
I guess I'd have to say that generally I like competitive sports. My son is on the basketball team this year and LOVES it. He doesn't know he's horrible at it yet. Many of the kids on the team are also horrible, but that's what makes it fun to watch!! However, there was that one set of parents in the crowd yelling at the ref to "use your whistle" or "if you don't call it they won't learn!" They were yelling strategies and lecturing their son even while he was out playing!! I was soooo annoyed! I thought it was supposed to be fun. As a child I never felt like I HAD to win, I just wanted to. I think it is a great way to learn team work and exercise and even get to know people, but I HATE the extremely competitive parents who just HAVE to get involved.
I like Shellie's response about only enrolling kids if they ask for it… but I also think parents might need to be proactive if they have a kid who's shy or a homebody. Sports are a great way for kids to make friends and learn social skills! I played on a soccer team when I was about 7 – it was part of a league, but I think it was noncompetitive? At least, I don't remember being too concerned about winning or losing, though I'm sure we did both. I do remember the two lines of handshakes and "good games" at the end of each game. I was one of the worst, but it was fun. As I grew up, I stopped doing sports and started doing musical theater (I was MUCH better at that), but now I kind of wish I had stuck with sports a bit more, especially now that I actually *am* athletic.
I definitely think we need to get away from raising kids with the "everyone's a winner" mentality. From what I've seen, that only encourages a sense of entitlement where everyone thinks they deserve special treatment. What happened to earning things with hard work? You get much more of an accomplishment out of that than of constantly being told that you're a winner. If anything, I found it more demoralizing to get the "everyone's a winner" speech. If everyone's a winner, then why should I bother trying?
I know that this post is over two years old, but hey, archive-diving is fun! I also really felt I had to comment on this post, despite the oldness because I think I really managed to pick the cherries out of this cake. I played soccer as a kid, and was kick-ass awesome good at it, but all my teammates hated me anyway. They totally expected me to show up and be awesome, but they hated me as a person. How's that for an awesome combination?