Armageddon has arrived. I know it is the end times because I currently have this sitting on my counter:
That’s right, at this very moment, a brick of honest-to-goodness liposuctioned-from-swine lard that I purchased and brought into my own home of my own accord is sitting in my kitchen. I know, I can’t believe it either. This little brick of Babe encapsulates everything I have tried to avoid for the past ten years. Aw heck, make it the past 20. It’s fat. Not just fat but saturated fat. Animal fat! Fat purely for fat’s sake!!
I blame the apples.
On Saturday, in an effort to appease the SAT gods whom I worship by grading interminable mediocre essays*, I sent the wee ones off with my husband for a little fresh air and cider at the nearby apple farm. (It’s organic! It’s local! It’s family owned! My yuppie heart swooneth.) I was anticipating them returning invigorated, apple-cheeked (naturally) and perhaps with a twee bag of fresh Honeycrisps, also known as Apple Heaven a.k.a. The Only Reason I Can Abide a Minnesota Winter.
They returned with a bag of apples all right. A 25 pound bag of apples. “You should have seen the kids! They were downright industrious! If only they would clean their rooms with that kind of vigor,” my husband explained. Yet, not even the most voracious pregnant woman could eat that many apples before they rot so we immediately started planning what to do with them. We made 5 quarts of applesauce – which me being the delinquent homemaker that I am did not can but rather froze as I do not have the faintest idea how to can other than it involves a medical sounding implement called a water bath – along with a double cobbler and muffins. That accounted for half the bag.
“What about apple pie?” my husband suggested hopefully. At first I was all set to veto it on grounds of health concerns but then I remembered I’m having a baby shortly and the Holidays That Require Pie are nearly upon us. “We could make several and freeze them!” I enthused, visions of Marie Callendar dancing through my head. Imagine me, 3 weeks post-partum, showing up to the neighborhood soiree with a home-baked apple pie! It would be a coup on par with showing up in my pre-pregnancy jeans. Or my Betty Homemaker dress and pearls.
Those of you who know me at all are laughing your butts off right now. I can barely cook much less make a pastry that is as notoriously fickle as pie crust. I called a friend who is a pastry pro for advice. “You have to use Crisco,” she said bluntly. “No way, no how, sister,” I refused. “Crisco is the grand dame of partially hydrogenated oil.” She sighed, “Then you need lard.”
Five years ago those words would have sent me cowering behind my refrigerator hoping I didn’t set any mouse traps off as I wept in fear. But a few months ago, I read Nina Planck’s book Real Food (you may remember my review) in which she makes the point that we shouldn’t be afraid of animal products as long as they are the real deal. I believe she has an entire chapter devoted to the salutary properties of a lard pie crust (it’s right after her Ode to Whole Milk). The current research on saturated fat agrees with Ms. Planck, showing that it is not the demon nutrient it has long been made out to be. And then, just this week, I read all about how The Bag Lady rendered her own lard. It’s like making jam but out of pig pieces! And it’s shaped like a loaf pan! Charming!
It all seemed so natural, so pioneerish, so… healthy? Okay, so apple pie is not health food. It’s not meant to be. I have tried “healthifying” it in endless variations all to end up at the same place: Not Pie. Some of the apple dishes I have made in the past have tasted okay. But they just weren’t pie. Now, I love me nothing more than an apple baked just to the point of warmth – can’t lose the crispness! – and sprinkled with cinnamon but one can’t exactly show up to a Pie Holiday with a dish of cinnamon dusted apple slices. Trust me, I’ve done it. They don’t get eaten. Sometimes you need pie. Plus my husband loves pie. And I love my husband.
So I bought lard! A whole pound of rendered pig fat shaped like a loaf pan of my very own. And I gotta say, it feels good. Somewhere my great grandmother is grinning.
Butter! Whole milk! Full-fat yogurt and cottage cheese! LARD! Have any of you made your peace with saturated fats? Or is it still the devil nutrient to you? Anyone have any pie-making tips for me??
*Yes, by day I am a WonderMom (at least that’s what I say the cape and boots are for) but by night I grade the essay portion of the SAT test. Every time I post about doing that, I get half a dozen e-mails from readers wondering how they can get the same gig. First a warning: it is the world’s most boring job ever. You will want to poke your eyes out. Second: You need a minimum of 3 years teaching experience at the high school level or above. If you’re still interested, e-mail me and I’ll happily pass you along to HR!
I don't remember writing an essay for the SATs. Did they require essays back in the dark ages, i.e. about 100 years ago when I was in high school?
p.s. It's okay to bake with lard if you're giving the pie away to other people. Besides, holiday pies are supposed to contain stuff like that. At least it's not partially hydrogenated.
Merry – No, they just added the essay portion as mandatory about 7 years ago. And I'm sure we won't be giving ALL the pie away to other people…
Thanks for the laugh!
The package of lard–in it's brown paper packaging, tied up with strings, no less–looks like someone mailed it to you as some sort of cruel joke.
Good luck with your pie, Charlotte. J is the pie man in our house. It's all I can do not to eat all the apples before they make into the oh-so delicious crust. I will make sure he sees this in the morning so he can comment with his oh-so-manly pie-making tips.
Are you cutting apples by hand or do you have a handy machine? I have an apple peeler-corer-slicer that is just about the coolest thing ever and will make your life so much easier. I am more than happy to share. 🙂
Love this post!
Poor lard! Few people would bat an eye at a holiday pie made with butter, but lard scares people. Thing is, lard has less saturated fat and more mono- polyunsaturated fat than butter.
I love to bake! I'm actually in the process (albeit a slow one) of writing a cookbook filled with delicious baked goods! I also plan on opening a bakery at some point in my life!
The one thing that I have learned is that I am much better off with eating less of full fat food as opposed to eating more of less fat food. I feel so much more satiated, it's ridiculous. Full fat yogurt in particular is where it's at…it's my number one breakfast, when you add in fruit and flax seed.
I personally have a preference for butter for crust…different texture but WAY better taste.
Good luck with the pies! Post pictures when they're done!
p.s. it's easier making a crumble top as opposed to a full or lattice top. Crumble tops are just sprinkled all over..the other two involve making MORE crust and laying it gently. I always find it very time consuming to do, thus I opt for crumble.
AND YOU NEED TO BE SMART AS THE PROVERBIAL MO'FO.
I think back in the day I applied and they rejected my scores (hello! horrible math SATS.)
pie photos?
well, I'm vegan so lard/whole milk/cottage cheese etc. is still devil food based on moral grounds. 😀
But in general, I tend to agree that the REAL food is better (in moderation) than the chemically-altered whatever trying to replace it. But as for baking – don't you just get a graham cracker crust and dump a bunch of apples in it, and then put some of that pillsbury refrigerated dough over it? That's "homemade" as I know it. 😉
Oh and the SATs – There was no essay when I took them (1997, 2002 and 2003) but there was when my sister took them ('06 and '07). I think I was the last class to graduate without having to take the essay, and I think my sister's was the first to graduate where the essay actually counted (prior to that, they used it more to establish a grading scale/range). If I'm remembering correctly, that is.
Everything in moderation, even lard and butter!
I bet in 20 years, scientists will be saying, "Oh, trans fats aren't as bad as we thought they were."
What about making some apple crisp with some of the leftover apples? It's one of the easiest things to bake, and not very time consuming!
All in moderation I say! I prefer eating a bit of everything and more of the healthy stuff than only the healthy and then feel restricted.
I never made a pie before but I here if you have a good recipe and a few tricks it's not so hard to make. I usually bring bars like cherry coconut or lemon bars to holiday events, and by now my lemon bars are famous. It's nice nice change from pie, but still loaded in butter and sugar. I never cooked with lard or Crisco, but that's just because I'm used to butter.
There's always the option to do a Tarte Tatin! It's a French upside-down apple pie with no upper crust that you cook in a skillet. The sugar in the apples cook to become like caramel 🙂 I have a great recipe in my grand-mother's cookbook, but there's also Deb's version that looks good: http://smittenkitchen.com/2008/10/mollys-apple-tarte-tatin/
She also has several pie recipes you can check out (recipe index link on the left side).
Good luck!
I was always one of those kids who would eat the inside of the pie and leave the crust, (blegh!) so it's no use asking my opinion.
Hey Charlotte!
Guess what? You don't need to use shortening or even lard (ewww!) in pie crusts. When I make pie crusts I use butter. Certainly butter has more redeeming qualitites than hydrogenated shortening crap or lard. And I think it tastes better.
What kind of apples did they bring back? Did they just bring back honeycrisps? There are some types of apples that work better for pies than others. From what I've read, your favorite apple should be good for pies. Golden delicious also works well. Don't use red delicious or fuji.
It goes without saying, but make sure to slice them fairly thin; probably no mare than a half inch thick.
If you feel the need to pick my brain further, feel free to send me a message on my facebook page. 🙂
Love your blog!! Have you tried apples cooked with Red Hot Candies?? Simply wash, core and slice apples (I don't peel them–the kids quit complaining about that a long time ago). Place in a microwavable dish with a splash of water. Sprinkle with a tablespoon or two of Red Hots, COVER and Microwave away. The Red Hots melt and give the apples a yummy flavor. I sometimes add cinnamon. They're good hot or cold and taste great along yogurt. If I'm having an "oven meal" I'll bake them instead of microwaving. Try it.
I was definitely a slow starter in the writing department! Ate too much fat also. Now I enjoy writing, and avoid fat, except from whole food sources. Did you know that the number one source of additional calories compared to what people ate in the 1970's now is liquid fats?
Charlotte – Woohoo! You're gonna be a real asset to me when you come to visit!! 🙂
I can give you mega pastry tips – my mother made the absolute best pastry in the modern world.
Shall I email you her/my recipe?
And pastry made with lard is far superior to pastry made with hydrogenated whatever OR butter (I've never heard of making real pastry with butter!)
Not only does lard pastry taste better, it's better for you. All the studies about vegetable oil being better for you were sponsored by companies that produced the veg oil! Of COURSE they are going to be slanted.
And thank you so much for the link! Most kind of you!
Cinderella – I wasn't, um, planning on peeling the apples. Do you have to do that for pie?? And yes I was just chopping them up by hand. But after reading J's comment apparently I'm supposed to slice them? This doesn't bode well:)
Paige – Yes, from my reading, apparently real lard (as opposed to Crisco) has a lot of good things going for it!
M – Is there NOTHING you can't do?! When you get that cookbook done, you let me know. I'm serious. Also, amen to full-fat yogurt! It is a joy I have only discovered this year but you are so right about needing less of it.
I will def. take your advice about teh crumble top! And yeah… I'll post pics but they're not going to be pretty!
Anonymous Vegan – You crack me up! I love the way you bake!
KUrunner – I SUCK at moderation, remember?? Just keeping reminding me, girl…
Fit Vegan Girl – Done! Already made TWO jumbo cobblers (super healthy too with WW flour and oats and just the sugar from the apples!)
Nathalie – Mmm… bars. Those are HUGE here in Minnesota. The PTA always says to "bring bars" to their meetings. It took me a long time to figure out they were talking about square shaped cookies, lol!
And thanks for the other kitchens. Forgot about smittenkitchen – must check her out.
Dragonmama – Shhh, don't tell anyone but I do the same thing;)
JC – Thanks for the tips! Yes, all I have are honeycrisps. And thanks for telling me to slice them thin. I would have chunked them. Seriuosly. (See my comment to your darling wife!)
LuAn – You may be my new fave cook! Red hots + apples?? I want to try it RIGHT NOW! Alas, I have no red hots but am adding them to the grocery list. Mmmmm…
Dr. J – Um… good thing lard's not a liquid?? Someday I will have your iron will!
My baking mantra is "its better with butter". I love baking cakes, cheesecakes, and cookies. Pies not so much, no yummy dough to snitch! But since my hubby loves pies I had to find something. Crumbles are my favorite. No crust on the bottom, but a yummy oatmeal, brown sugar, cinnamon & butter topping that is sooooo yummy and easy.
Good luck.
Bag Lady – You would send me you (and your mother's) prized pastry recipe?!? JOY. I promise to do my best not to ruin it!
bjbella – we do love us a good crisp (what you described as a "crumble") but we've already made two jumbo ones (read: 4 regular ones) so I'm trying something new now. Love your mantra!
I noticed the other day that I can buy lard in the grocery store here. I'm definitely in the deep south now. And as any Southern gal knows, lard makes the best biscuits, the best pie crust, and the best carnitas. Ok, so that last one only applies to people from the southwest. Whatever!
Yes, chemically lard makes the best pie crust. Go forth and crustify.
Tips for crust: when you are adding the water (last step) stop at the point where you are "fluffing" it in and the flour/fat is just starting to hold together. Pick up a small handful and press it in your palm (like testing snow for snowballs). If it holds, then stop.
Remember to always keep pie crust cold and never work it more than you have to.
Perfect crust will come.
Deb roby – Thanks for the tips! I'll keep the water thing in mind!
That's a lot of apples…ideas for pie? Make a nice crust with lots of lard. It's pie. Make it yummy and flaky and good – if you try and healthify it up you take all the pieness out of it 🙂
I have tried in the past to make healthy lardles pie crusts…and they just aren't as good.
Here's my favourite pie crust – easy to make (has lard in it) and tastes yummy. Friends who have never made a pie in their life have used this and it worked awesome for them:
http://geolovestocook.blogspot.com/2008/08/best-pie-in-verse.html
Good luck!
Frozen made ahead pies ar ethe best thing int he world.
Instant surprise fresh baked pie 🙂
Gotta love it.
WHAT?! You haven't kept up on your pie-crust making skills since that day we made blackberry pie? 😉 You know, I've never tried with lard. Frankly, it scares me. Now I make pie-crust(through America's Test Kitchen's recipe) with crisco AND butter! lol!!! Good luck and make sure you let us know how it turns out! 🙂
You are my hero! Because of Nina Plank I am drinking real milk but I haven't yet taken the plunge with lard. But that has more to do with me not really being a baker than having a problem with lard itself. Can't wait to hear how the pies turn out! Btw, have been drinking full fat raw milk with cream for six months now with no other changes to my diet and no scary weight gain has ensued.
Also, I tried to email you about the SAT thing but the link wouldn't work. Is this something that can be done from a distance, say like Africa? My friend is a former high school teacher who now runs an orphanage in Mozambique (this is her blog: http://victorandchristina.blogspot.com/). She is always in need of a steady income supplement and this could be right up her alley.
Where exactly do you buy lard? Or should I know that?
And I really hope that 3 weeks post baby you can show up at an event with a pie looking awesome! Wonder Woman!
While in New Orleans I learned that lard actually has less saturated fat than butter! I was actually shocked – but have def embraced animal fats 🙂
Unfortunately I have no baking tips for you…
Geosomin – Thanks for all the tips! I'm getting really excited to do this thing! And thanks for the recipe – is that your personal blog? Am off to check it out NOW!
Sariqd – I didn't know you still read my blog! Oh how I miss you girl! And yeah, I'm ashamed to say that I have tried a blackberry pie exactly once since I made it with you and it was a complete disaster. You made it look so easy! I need to watch you do it again:)
Georgia – I too have made the switch to full-fat dairy. Sadly raw milk is illegal here so I can't go that far although I'm dying to try it. And you're right – no scary weight gain here either! (Well, beyond the typical pregnancy weight gain.)
As for the SAT thing, e-mail me at chariander AT gmail DOT com (replace with appropriate symbols). Or have your friend e-mail me. I'm happy to pass on the info to her/you.
Erika – I bought my lard at Super Target of all places! It was also super cheap (99 cents!). They probably have it at your local grocery although you might need to ask around to find it. Mine was in the mexican food aisle.
And Wonder Woman I am not! Let's keep those expectations low:)
Emily – I know, it's weird right?? I still can't get my mind around thinking of lard OR butter as "healthy".
I am one of those people who you probably love to hate that really doesn't like pie crust. As a trade off, I am obsessed with frosting. We just really don't do desert at home, and if we do, it's ice cream or candy. I LOVE the idea of nuked apples with red hots – adding a bag of those to the list now, especially because I got a costco pack of honeycrisps (which are one of the greatest healthy – nay, just greatest foods in the entire world).
My secret to a flaky, perfect crust?
Go to whole foods. Buy their frozen, all natural organic crusts.
Feeling ambitious? After the crust defrosts, transfer to your own pie plate, greased to recipe specifications.
Suburban Mom – Hahahahah! I love the way your mind works! Sadly we don't have a Whole Foods within 100 miles of us but I definitely get the general idea;)
Quix – I know – aren't red hots the best! That was a BRILLIANT idea.
Oh, man. I LOVE butter, but there is seriously no substitute for lard in a pie crust. Flakiest. Crust. EVER.
'Scuse me while I go dream of pie and pie crusts, now . . .
Charlotte, I am no cook or baler either & I love apples!!! I love the crust even more! 🙂 BUT, just in case you want to do apples but in a healthier way, I saw this recipe for a crustless apple pie & posted it on my blog:
http://truth2beingfit.com/2009/09/18/more-healthy-recipes-including-no-bake-chocolate-oatmeal-cookies.aspx
So, are you sharing the pies???
Good luck! I cannot make pie crust like this to save my life. I make a knock-off puff pastry that is egg and dairy free and involves soda.
Can you post the cobbler recipe? Please?!?!?!?!
I'm also of the "buy a ready-made pie crust, fill, stick in oven" school of pie making.
And I do believe that lard and butter are better for us than something created in a chem lab, probably right next door to the lab that creates insecticide and military-grade explosives.
I remember being impressed with your apple-pie making skills in college!
Lard is the only way to make pie crust. Anything else just doesn't taste as good.
What are the ingredients in the store crusts? Most premade stuff is full of crap.
If you wash the apples (fairly promptly, while they're still fresh) and store them in a Ziploc bag with a damp paper towel at the bottom, they will stay fresh in the fridge for months. We've had years where we're still eating the apples in February! This year, the two of us brought home about 40 lbs of apples–and we'll only make about 1 or 2 apple crisps total.
Upper midwest winters are even MORE tolerable when you have apples to eat the whole time.
Seabreeze – I'm not much of a pastry chef. I'll let you know how it goes!
Azusmom – like most of my recipes I got it off of Allrecipes. I'll try and find it again and send it to you! It's really not the tastiest cobbler recipe around but it tastes decently good and it is quite healthy as far as these things go.
Allie – Did we ever make pie in college?!? How do I not remember that? My most vivid cooking memory of you is curry night:) You were the only one of my roommates who ever ate tofu!
KUrunner – you got a point about the processed stuff!
Anonymous – seriously??? I had no idea! I suppose, now that I think about it, that that is what our ancestors must have done (not having freezers and all). Thanks for the tip.
My mother is the grand dame of pies in the family and she uses crisco, not butter. Makes me shudder, but her pie crusts are divine. I can do butter, whole yogurt, now half n half in the coffee, but lard… even that one is hard for me. I would though, I would… tell me how those pies turn out!
To make good pie crust, you have to have the pastry thingy. I call it a pastry blender but it doesn't use electricity. It is sort of semi-circular (to fit the bottom of a bowl) wires or thin metal pieces, and has a handle at the top that you hold. you put your lard and your flour and salt in the bowl, and squish with the pastry blender until the lard and flour are blended into little pieces. Then add water, with a fork. The idea is not to develop the gluten in the flour by mixing too much. The opposite of making bread.
Just emailed you, pie queen!
Oh, I forgot to mention that my BA is in English, and I had a California State Credential for Secondary Ed in English as well.
If'n that helps.
Happy autumn!!!
sorry for going of the subject a little, but my advice is to eat whatever you want, you simply need to eat at least 5 small meals a day every 2 and half to 3 hours. And walk 45 minutes a day and the the evil saturated fats will be lost. By eating more meals you spend up your metabolism. Working out just twice a week can help, have a look at this fitness equipment
I also loved the Real Food book's take on this, but I use "healthier" versions whenever I can, anyways. Unless it's SPECIFICALLY for other people. Then I'll bake something that I approve of (eg. lard rather than Crisco), which will be really high in taste/fat and something I wouldn't normally eat with gusto.
I was totally grossed out by this comment in your blog…
I read all about how The Bag Lady rendered her own lard.
…until I followed the link and realized you meant that she rendered pork fat into lard on her own — not that she used… Well, you know what I thought. I had to chuckle at my own misunderstanding.
Shilingi-Moja – That has got to be the funniest thing I've read all day! Didn't realize it read that way until you pointed out!
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