Or you could just cut to the chase and do this.
Whether you like group fitness or running solo through your neighborhood, the cool thing about exercising is all the opportunities you get to completely humiliate yourself. So it is with some trepidation I share my top ten ways to embarrass yourself whilst exercising. Because you know I’ve done all of these. Sigh. And because I love you all so much, I’ve included my tips for covering up your faux pas.
10. Snap yourself with a resistance band. (Jump ropes also work well for this and you get bonus points if you hit yourself in the face.)
How-To: Stand on the band while holding both handles. Next look down to check your feet positioning, just in time to see the band fly loose and smack you right between the eyes. Make sure to whip your head back, mutter a general purpose curse word and then try and pretend like it never happened – all while sporting a bright red hickey between your eyes.
Quick Fix: If you have to return to work immediately after, just pretend it was an eyebrow wax gone terribly wrong. Note: do not try to use “bikini wax” as an excuse. HR will not be amused.
9. Get stuck. Preferably in some equipment.
How-To: Pick a piece of equipment you have no idea how to use, walk confidently over to it and set it at max weight or speed. Now don’t be a wuss, if anyone offers you instruction, tersely wave them off. Jump on. Try not to scream as you are folded like an overstuffed burrito. If you need ideas, start here. Overachievers, you’ve got this baby.
Quick Fix: As soon as you have extricated yourself (assuming you can), mop the sweat off your face and say loudly, “Man, that was good! Good burn! Yeah!!” That way people will think you meant to do it.
8. Make funny faces, sex noises, or whimper while weight lifting.
How-to: This one’s easy. Just go with your gut. You know what they say – sing like nobody’s listening, dance like nobody’s watching (boring, much?) and lift like nobody else is present. Grunting and screaming are a little overdone. I recommend seizures. Or crying.
Quick Fix: Wear earphones – even if they aren’t attached to anything but your pocket lint. Then you can always pull them out and stage-whisper “Nobody told me Farewell to Arms ends like that!” You’ll be safe because anyone old enough to have read Hemingway and remember the ending (which is sad) will probably have dementia. Everyone else will just think you are sensitive and awesome. Or perverted, depending on exactly what noises you were making.
7. Fly off the treadmill.
How-To: One word – Zoomers. Mess this baby up and it’s the fastest route to becoming a human skid mark I know of. My other failsafe way to fall off the treadmill is to get into a really good conversation with Gym Buddy Allison who is on the treadmill next to me, slowly drift to one side of the ‘mill because I’m not looking forward and then – whammo – off I go.
Quick Fix: Stand up, throw up your arms and present to the judges. 10 points for blood.
6. Fart or otherwise smell bad.
How-To: So many methods, so little time. You may recall my laundry error that landed me in this boat but there are many roads to this same end. I encourage creativity. For you outdoorsy types stepping in dog poo at the beginning of your run is good. Make sure to get it all stuck in the tread on your trail runners. And if you need a how-to on farting then I’ll have to refer you to an expert. Please proceed directly to the nearest 12-year-old boy.
Quick Fix: The universally accepted method is to just pretend like you don’t smell anything. One step better is to stand in front of a fan and hope that it blows the scent away from you. Best? Spray on half a bottle of your favorite drug store perfume/cologne because everyone loves Charly as much as you do.
5. Wear inappropriate workout clothing.
How-To: I’ve covered this already but to sum up, be sure to wear your shortest, tightest and brightest outfits. Girls, you are aiming for a camel toe. Men, hammer pants are your best friend. And always show as much skin as possible.
Quick Fix: Ask yourself, “Would Madonna wear this?” If the answer is “yes” then take it off. Or invest in a really good friend who’ll tell you straight up. Last ditch effort, call your mom. We know things.
4. Douse yourself with your water bottle.
How-To: Take a big swig from your wide-necked environmentally-sound BPA-free water bottle. While running. This works best on a treadmill although I’ve seen people do it in outdoor races too. Extra points if it’s actually Propel in your bottle. See? Easy as falling off a log. Hey – that’s fun too!
Quick Fix: Just pretend you’re really sweaty. Which actually isn’t a fix unless you look like a supermodel. For the rest of us, we’ll just have to try and move to the treadmill in front of the fan or wait until the sun dries us off. Try not to think about how thirsty you now are.
3. Be a bad sport.
How-To: Have “a spot” in group fitness classes and smack anyone who comes into your personal space. Spit into drinking fountains. When somebody lifts more than you mutter, “Too bad I strained my shoulder of I’d totally whup you.” Never clap. Never smile. Don’t share. But nobody can explain this concept better than this guy. Watch him, in the Olympics, kick a ref in the head. Banned FOR LIFE from competing.
Quick Fix: Don’t be that guy. (Or girl.) Just don’t.
2. Sweat in funny places.
How-To: Wear a sweat-showing color like gray. Make sure your clothes are as tight as spandex-ly possible. Add a great cardio class or a super intense weight session and viola: sweat in places other than is generally considered socially acceptable like your pits, or chest if you’re a dude. I won’t detail all the embarassing places that sweat stains can appear – you know what your personal sweat-print looks like.
Quick Fix: Gym Buddy Allison has a clever technique. She wears two tank tops layered over one another. The bottom one picks up the sweat while the top one stays fresh and dry. My fix? Kick it up a notch and sweat so much that it all blends together into one big stinky mess. Which is probably why in all our pics, she’s the cute one and I look like a drowned rat.
1. Don’t you hate it when lists end on a funny number? Like nine??
How-To: Help me fill in the number 1 spot by telling me in the comments your best method of embarrassing yourself. Pictures will earn you my undying love.
Quick Fix: Telling people about your embarrassing moments make you seem witty and self-deprecating. They can’t laugh at you if you’re already laughing at yourself! Right?
Extra Credit: Synchronized Stretching
Didn’t get enough Olympics in your life? Start your own sport of synchronized stretching by picking someone on the stretching mats who is really working it out. Then sit down next to him or her, as close as possible without actually sitting on them, and proceed to do whatever they do. Be sure to make your movements graceful – toes pointed, arms fully extended, back straight. Feel free to throw in extra little flourishes like gestures, waves to the “judges” (who are probably peeing their pants laughing), and a bright toothy smile. Just don’t ruin it by telling your “partner” what you’re doing. Letting them discover is half the fun.
"6. Fart or otherwise smell bad.
Quick Fix: The universally accepted method is to just pretend like you don't smell anything."
Another quick fix: Try to smell it all up as fast as possible before it moves on to offend others around you. If you get strange looks, just tell them you're practicing breathing for your next yoga class.
My fave is the synchronized stretching- hilarious!
I did this- a total newbie to the gym (Malibu Gym, and I was about 80 pounds overweight at the time), I walked up to the universal machine and removed the pin. The huge lat bar came crashing down, missed my skull by about .2 inches and crashed on to the floor. A big burly guy came over and picked it up and merely said "This was a GOOD day".
You are so funny!!!! I am so lucky that I work out when few are around.. sometimes just me & I love that but rare. Since I eat so healthy, I have to go with #6 & the farting. Again, I am lucky I don't have to pretend since most of the time nobody is around me.. YAHOO!
I have fallen off the swiss/stability ball & the BOSU too many times to count when I have been trying new moves!
I have never done 3-5, but I do the rest of them on a regular basis. I once broke my arm falling off a treadmill, no lie. I'm pretty sure my parents were both shocked and appalled.
And that stability ball indeed is a terror. I love it.
Oh OH, once, I was doing sit-up with a medicine ball, and I ALMOST dropped it on my own face. I narrowly missed by turning my head. That could have been very very bad.
falling off or over swiss balls would be a particular specialty of mine. i have no quick fix cos then i usually have a fit of the giggles.
and your post today gave me a fit of the giggles. 🙂
I have sooo snapped my face with a resistance band before!! So embarrassing. Plus, it looked like spousal abuse for a week!
I just show up at the gym, the embarassment takes care of itself.
-Joshua
That was a funny list. I have fallen off the treadmill before.
HaHa!! Funny stuff, Charlotte! I guess it's better to embarrass yourself working out than not work out at all 🙂
#7- I was trying something like zoomers and flew off the treadmill and freaked out three older ladies who kept asking why I was changing the speed around.
I now embarrass myself once a week as some friends and I joined a volleyball league. We aren't very good. But we have a great time laughing at all the silly things we do!
#7- I was trying something like zoomers and flew off the treadmill and freaked out three older ladies who kept asking why I was changing the speed around.
I now embarrass myself once a week as some friends and I joined a volleyball league. We aren't very good. But we have a great time laughing at all the silly things we do!
I'd add trip on something, drop something important into the belt on the treadmill, forget your hair tie so you have to pull your hair back with an old shirt to the list, and workout hard enough that people are concerned after you stop that you are going to die (No, guys, my face turns really red all the time. It's red when I'm walking down the street. Definitely getting plenty of oxygen again).
I think I have done at least half of the items on the list!
Thanks for the laugh this morning!
10. Try to balance on a machine like an elliptical without holding the handles only to quickly lose your balance and fall while the pedals are still moving.
Quick Fix: When you start to feel like you're losing your balance, flail your arms madly, reaching for the handles or something to hold onto. If you do wind up falling, try to fall in towards the machine rather than away and off of it.
I was getting back to the gym after a long hiatus (we're talking years here) and while rotating around the weight room, I scored an empty spot to work my legs with some old school lunges.
I did about 12 each leg but as I was approaching 12 with my right leg I shoved off to return to neutral and my left leg decided it was done balancing and holding me upright. Next thing I know I'm a pile on the floor, legs all askew.
In a heartbeat of inspired genius I stuck a leg out in front of me, curled the other in and started stretching my hamstrings.
Um, I meant to do that?
This morning at the gym I saw a woman rocking an Ed Hardy shirt cutout from hips up and missing sleeves, like the guy body builders. She did have a sports bra under it at least.
A favorite winter embarrassment: Wear a dark colored sweater all day and then go to the gym only to realize as you're doing some overhead presses in the mirror that your armpits are covered in black sweater fuzz Cuuuute. I also did this with black socks before yoga: A nice layer of dark fuzzies on my feet, which of course took me halfway through class to notice.
Hysterical post Charlotte! My mother actually had the flying off the treadmill moment. It was her first time and I specifically told her not to touch a button and she did and it ramped her speed up to a running pace! It was right out of a movie! And for some unknown reason, my belly button always sweats which of course is awesome!
You want to embarrass yourself? Eat too much fiber then head to an intesnse spin class…one that involves a lot of climbs.
Not that it's ever happened to me…but a friend once told me this was rather embarrassing as the rooms are tiny, faces are dangerously close to behinds (come on gym, spread out the bikes!), and there isn't much ventilations.
Or so my friend says…
Lying on my back, doing triceps . . . um, whatever they're called in that position. Dropped the weight. On my face. Split my lip. Fortunately, I was using baby weights at the time (low weight! hi reps!), so all I did was split my lip with one end and black my eye with the other.
God help me if I dropped a weight like that now. It would not be so pretty.
I have dropped a weight plate on my foot (that really hurt) and burst a squishy ball doing sit ups during a personal training session (the girls at the front desk still talk about how loud that was). I save the best for home – I whacked myself so hard on the forehead going for a really weird hit in tennis that I almost knocked myself out – ended up flat on my back. My husband helped me up once he stopped laughing.
Oh, lord. The side gallops. With the hop up onto the step.
Gallop, gallop, gallop, hop. Gallop the other way, gallop, gallop, hop. Gallop, gallop, catch foot on the edge of the step and come crashing down in a heap on the floor as the step describes a perfect arc and lands directly on your head.
*That*, my friends, is how you do it.
It was my third-ever session with my trainer. I've never seen anybody's eyes go completely round before.
All truths.
To add, a line I've spoken in earnest to a friend during a gym workout:
"Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline."
Of course good Brian had not washed his lacrosse shorts in a ne'er a month the ripeness was literally driving people out of the free weight area.
I have a trick knee — the tendons can't bear weight and balance at the same time. Which means any standing leg exercise or cardio that requires me to attempt to balance myself (already a challenge, since I'm clumsy by nature) is fraught with the potential for a hilarious prat fall as my knee gives out and the rest of my just goes with it. Momentum is not my friend.
Personal favorite? Looking like a weak moron when my knee caved during a set of lunges (on like #3, too) with a 10 lb. medicine ball. My knee just dropped completely, I went flying to the side (you would think at some point I would learn to prepare for these things but no, always a surprise), and I landed face first on said medicine ball. The bruises were particularly fun the next day.
Nice thing was, my sister broke her nose the same week by walking into a doorframe at work.
"Trick knee"!! I love it Shannon! We must be friends:)