It is not often I feel genuinely sorry for celebrities and yet – have you seen the video of Giuliana Rancic pestering women on the red carpet at the Golden Globes about their diet secrets?! Jezebel provides a helpful mash-up:
Click thru to see the vid – it doesn’t allow for embedding. Sorry!It’s a veritable body-image gauntlet. How is it that the most important question a reporter can think of to ask an actress is what her diet and exercise routine really REALLY is? Especially when said reporter is so waifish herself. Just watching it was like being sandblasted with body snark, jealousy, insecurity and shallowness. I can’t imagine what it must have felt like in person. Made me love Christina Hendricks though with her, “Maybe you should eat more food and lay off the booze” admonition!
Actually, watching this vid made me think of how things have been around here at GFE lately: a hail storm of body image woes. A sweet reader recently e-mailed me saying, “I wish you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Because when you’re hard on yourself, it makes me hard on myself.” Unless it’s from joy, I don’t often cry reading your e-mails (usually I snort liquids and make embarrassing noises trying to stifle my laughter) but this time I did.
I forget sometimes that I walk a fine line here by sharing all my deep-seated crazy – and there’s been a serious uptick in insanity since the Jelly Bean has been born, I’m not going to lie to you – and holding all of you hostage on the crazy train with me. You should know that for every weight-loss thought that I write, I think 100 (1,000?) in my head. It’s an illness, this self hatred.
The scale, the calories, the inches, the percentages: for years these numbers ruled my life and I don’t want to go back there. Truly, I don’t. But you should also know that every recent resurgence of my disordered eating has been after the birth of one of my children. Hormones, sleep deprivation and baby weight combine into this trifecta of evil that makes me so very hard on myself. Plus this time around my therapist, whom I loved dearly, is now working for the prison system and alas I am not a criminal.
And so I blog about all this trying to keep it transparent, thinking that if I’m accountable to all of you then perhaps I can avoid repeating past mistakes. But I forget that some of you are fragile too. And some of you are just sick of hearing about this. In retrospect, I don’t know that it is helping me much to indulge in the negative self talk. Making excuses for my bad behavior just allows me to wallow in it instead of making the necessary changes.
I asked my sister today if it is possible to change one’s entire personality. To let go of my Type A insanity and embrace a more mellow me. She said she believed I could with a lot of work. I hope so. I’m going to try. I’m not exactly sure how to go about it yet but I hope to be gentle in the process.
My sincerest apologies to those of you I have made sad, mad, crazy or just otherwise irritated. I’m going to cut the negative self talk in the future. I won’t be perfect but I’m going to try. I love you guys too much not to. Hopefully I’ll learn to love myself that much as well.
Thanks for your patience with me. We’re all in this together, right? Where do you draw the line between a healthy dialogue and pointless obsessing? Anyone else want to smack Guiliana??
As far as the overly tan, overly skinny celebrity thing goes… You know who wants to have sex with a skeleton? Necrophiliacs, that's who!
Maybe it's because I'm vastly pregnant and hormonal myself, but I haven't found you to be "overly" self-critical lately. Everyone hates those last 10 lbs, but at least you are doing something about it instead of sitting on your tush wondering why it doesn't magically fall off.
I hope everything is going well with tracking your food and you aren't getting into the scary zone again. 🙂
that girl annoys the heck out of me too!
and props to you for recognizing that you've been being hard on yourself lately and are willing to work on changing it. have you thought about getting a new therapist? it might make a change as big as a personality one a little easier
The reason why she did it: people would watch that stuff. They want to know the "diet secrets". Same reason that there are so many women's magazines out there. For some real reason, we eat (hahaha pardon the pun) that stuff up. She's reporting on what people want.
Charlotte dear, I think it's good that you're able to talk about these issues on the blog. It might to some extent help. But we can all definitely benefit from increasing the positivity in our mindset. Maybe that should be the next Great Fitness Experiment? The Great Positive Attitude Experiment?
And no apology is necessary. I definitely struggle with the healthy dialogue vs. pointless obsessing too. Every day. When I can catch myself at it, I tell myself to breathe. I tell myself that it doesn't matter if I slightly overindulged or if I think that I "look fat" or any of those things. I tell myself that, honestly, the people around me aren't going to notice a difference between now and tomorrow when I might have a "slender" day. And that I could do WAY better things with my time.
…I was having one of those "blah I look awful" evenings tonight. Thanks for this post. You just reminded me that it IS silly to worry about those things. See, you're already boosting positive self images! (But really. Thank you. I needed this post.)
I just wish you weren't so hard on yourself, because you deserve so much more! We all do. We're more than our diets and exercise regimens. I JUST blogged about this! I swear to god, as this post went up I was writing mine!
Anyway, check it out if you have time it's all about how women are judged on their appearance. It's a soap box issue for me though, so you've been warned!
I love your blog though, and I applaud you for being transparent, it's good quality, as is your sensitivity to your readers feelings.
Charlotte, in your therapy experience, have you ever done cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavioral therapy?
You may have already done one of these, and the skills learned there may be what's helped progress so much. But if you haven't, then please ask your next therapist about them.
Both do essentially rewire the brain. I don't think they'll change your personality per se, but I have seen friends make amazing strides with depression, anxiety, lack of self-soothing ability, etc. with this type of targeted therapy.
It can be hard, emotionally exhausting, but the rewards are terrific. I've become a big fan of CBT and DBT after seeing such amazing changes in my friends.
Keep up the great work…being mindful and aware puts you way ahead of the game…
Wow, that girl is beyond annoying!
I think it is awesome you are so transparent. As someone who is also overly self-critical, it is nice to read your blogs to see I am not the only one who struggles with these issues.
And yes, I would love to be able to hot-wire my inner brain circuits out of this mode!
I love the transparency of your blog, and the way you acknowledge the struggles and the crazy along with the triumphs.
But of course I always wish for you to get to a place where you're happier with yourself just as you are. So moving in that direction sounds great too. Good luck with the new mellower, more self-accepting attitude!
So if we are acting as your therapist , does that mean you will be sending each of us .05 cents? Kidding aside I think it's great for you to use the blog for your sanity. It really is a two-way street and we are here to support you. You will make it through this rough patch. Hugs.
If you find out the secret to being mellow, please post it for the rest of us. I could seriously use with some mellowing out- I have developed an eye twitch over the past week probably due to self-induced stress, I'm kinda freaking out about it.
And I think every woman is hard on themselves about something, given the number of roles we're expected to fill and how conflicting most of those roles are, it's not surprising.
I honestly haven't found you particularly negative over the past few months, but I do think that you should be careful- it is a slippery slope back to non-functioning illness, and you have a jelly bean to set a good example for.
I know there's a reason I don't watch these programs, that's an obnoxious question. Too bad nobody claimed bulimia, not that it's a good thing, but maybe it would have shut her up. On a different note, this is your blog, if you're feeling anxious about your weight, you should talk about it. It's not your responsibility to climb on a pedestal and stay there, be human like the rest of us.
Hey Charlotte: a few thoughts…
1. a blog should be a place where you are free to express what you feel about certain issues, no? If you are feeling down, or anxious, or worried or crazy about weight issues, where better to share that? Obviously you have some level of social responsibility here as in not telling people to go out and binge/purge or not advocating anorexic tendencies, but it is the neuroticies (sp?) and struggles that many of us fell in love with when we first read your blog. IF YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT THEN TALK
2. I agree that negative self talk makes us negative….having said all that I said in the above point, there also comes a time when all that free expression is only hurting yourself…I am not a big proponent of the "positive imagery" or "put positive energy out in the universe and it will come back to you" thing, but I know that constantly and consistently bashing myself does not lead anywhere good
3. As to how to change your mind (or rewire, is that what you said? I can't remember) – I seem to remember that you have a faith background….please correct me if I am wrong. Have you considered turning to your beliefs for some advice? BEFORE ANYONE BASHES ME FOR SUGGESTING IT, I am saying that IF you already have such belief, these times when we are lowest are the times we need it most. (I can say more, but will not do it here, right now, but can talk over email if it helps)
4. You rock and have been such a good example of strength and perseverance. YOur accomplishments since the birth of the "peanut" have been incredible and you need to remember how far you have come, not how far you have to go.
You are a great source of information and strength to many people, but still, you are human. It is okay to be less than perfect sometimes….
Enough rambling from me…hope this helps?
T
lets mash ourselves together and become the ever elusive happy medium.
Hi Charlotte – I understand so much of what you are feeling. Ugh. This sucks for you. I can tell you've done your work on your ED and can get how it's coming back for you at this point in your life. Please contact your old therapist and ask for a referral. From the sound of things, you've come a long with it and imagine, with a "new to you therapist" – what you might be able to accomplish now? Sounds as though you have already started your work on this again…why do it alone? (and I know this blog is therapeutic and helpful to you as well to us, the readers!). And think of all the blog fodder you would have??? Best to you and your family! Lisa
I like the first line of the short write up on that page "what is her damage?" Cracked me up. That was a bit asinine for her to do, and illustrates why I usually skip the red carpet junk. Real classy.
As far as smacking her, I'll have to refrain from saying anything lest I become the GFE pariah for saying I want to hit a woman.
-Joshua
http://the365daygetfitexperiment.blogspot.com
Everyone has body image woes, even us dudes. It's a constant battle.
I would like to see a kinder gentler world in the area of weight, if not everywhere! There is no reason to use words like skeletal or skin and bones to inaccurately describe anyone anymore than using fat slobish ones. Always be vigilant when climbing that awareness mountain that we don't fall off the other side 🙂
i think your transparency is what draws so many here…well and your quick wit…and funny stories….and great pics….you are all around wonderful! and i also wish you weren't so hard on yourself *hug*
you can re-wire your brain. as you have mentioned before you have overcome a lot. i still use my cognitive therapy techniques in all aspects of my life…and especially with my exercise/food. that is how i re-wired my brain to eat correctly…how i re-wired my brain to overcome all the negative body images…and how i re-wired my brain to think getting up at 4:30a to exercise was a good idea…well maybe the last one was a cruel joke…but it works!
now go rob the 7-11 and see your therapist! 🙂
Mary Kate
There's no need to apologize, I enjoy the variety in your posts – we all have up and down days.
What made me want to smack Guiliana was not just that she was obsessed with the diet/exercise question, but that she only asked women and the one man she did ask it was obviously asked in jest.
I'm so glad you posted this — I was screaming at Giuliana during the entire show!
She's obnoxious. Watching the pre-show is getting boring. No one ever asks something good. It's all about who they're wearing, how they prepped, yada yada yada. And hearing the same question being asked for every celebrity is tired.
I also think that you being real on this blog is helpful. It's nice to know someone else also feels that way.
I haven't found you overly critical lately – just honest.
I've found taht negative stuff about myself doesn't help though…I think the attitude check is all it takes every once in a while…seriously, I like knowing other people rant and think about things like that sometimes too.
I don't think you need to STOP sharing your negative thoughts – that wouldn't be fair to you. But I am glad that reader wrote to you because it opens all of our (body image bloggers) eyes to the fact that we're not writing in a vaccuum, that people read our words and really think about them. I wish your therapist hadn't flown the coop – is there no one else you feel comfortable speaking with? It's too much to handle alone, as I KNOW you know.
Giulianna and her husband have a reality show on cable. Recently I saw an episode where they went to a fertility specialist because she wants to get pregnant. The doctor told G's husband when she was out of the room that she needs to gain weight– you should have seen her face and panic when he told her! Yikes. Even5 lbs she wasn't having. Does she not realize that she's going to gain a lot more than that while pregnant? Secondly, I am also compulsively type A and have been working on it too. Here's hoping we both can get better.
Hey lady!
I almost never comment, though I read almost daily.
I come here for HONEST dialogue. I like hearing what is in your head. And, if YOU want to change things for YOU. Then, I'm all for it.
But, your stuff and stuck spots illuminate many of my own. That doesn't mean I think you should or need to edit yourself. Yeah, it is uncomfortable. But, that is part of things.
Love to you! I want to see and hear and read you being you. Whatever that brings.
Love, Sarah
By the way, buy Bluetooth blocker to disable all secret devices in your room or at work.
Charlotte, as a lurker who rarely comments, I feel compelled to put in my two cents worth.
You are an amazing writer and I have found myself laughing myself silly on the couch when reading your blog. And I have also read with empathy and a profound respect for your bravery and courage to be transparent. Your writing is REAL, which is what I love about your blog.
While our struggles are not the same, the complex emotions you are able to articulate feel familiar as the mix of good days and harder days describe the human experience.
Thank you.
-Another M
This comment may make me seem insensitive, but I'm going to say it anyways.
Ok, so maybe you'd like to change. Perhaps that's what you need. However, until that change happens – isn't this YOUR blog? Your medium for expression?
If a reader ends up "feeling bad about themselves" because of something you wrote – they should either a)stop reading what you write or b) deal with their own issues, I guarantee you the source of their insecurities is not you.
If you use this blog to vent/express your thoughts, and you stop doing that to appease a small percentage of readers, what happens to you? Personally if one of my expressions mediums got 'blocked' I'd probably start feeling worse, not better about the things I worry about. Why should you do that?
We love you, Charlotte! And if blogging all your thoughts is helpful, then go for it. If not, whatever you want to try, we're here for you!
And, yes, I want to slap Guliana(sp?) as well.
I kind of love your resolution. I love the exercise experiments and the infectious affection for working out, but I have to take a break sometimes because, well, because the self hatred comes through, and I don't want to be infected with that. I don't want to become skinny because I started loathing myself – that's much too high a cost.
I have to think it's possible to get and stay fit without handing over one's self-worth and personal happiness. I'd love it if the next fitness experiment was something along the lines of a positive performance goal and daily self affirmations that our bodies are our own and not to hand over control of them to anyone or thing, including non-customized expectations.
I think treating your body with the same compassion and non-judgment that I see you treat other people with would be great. I really do love the fitness experiments and the hilarious humor of your blog.
There is a knee jerk reaction, I'll admit, that I have sometimes when you talk about not being happy with yourself, and I see a picture and go "well if THAT long and lanky gal isn't happy with herself, how can I be? I'd LOVE to be that slim…"
Then I realize that I'm just not built that way. I am not Charlotte. I am not a_random_ANTM contestant. I am me, and I am a collection of my choices and I'm not willing to make the ones that drive my weight down that much to see if I even CAN be that thin. I chose to be healthy and enjoy myself in moderation and if that means that 20 lbs is going to hang around, so be it. It's almost nice not having to buy a whole new wardrobe this year!
It is your right to decide what you want your weight to be and do healthy things to get there, and hell, it's your right to be publicly annoyed at yourself if it doesn't work. Just don't let those last 10lbs flush your self worth down the drain, okie?
Now the frustrated-due-to-strength-loss thing? Oh… I feel for ya there, woman. That would make me soooo sad. But you are awesome and determined and you'll be back up to speed in no time!
Charlotte, you are always real & I like that but I understand what you are saying. I am a lot like you in that I have that battle with myself to be happy outside the fitness area of my life. A constant struggle! I relate to you when you discuss it YET I understand your concern for your readers. You must do what you feel is right BUT I for one feel less alone when you talk about this BUT it does not deter me from striving to be better.
As for the red carper stuff, I really am tired of this diet talk with the celebs. We all know what really is going on behind the scenes. Yes, a few really work at it but a lot.. well, you know!
Thx for your honest post!
I recommended your blog to a pregnant friend; I wanted her to see that we all go through these trials and emotions. You just state it so well. Please keep sharing all of it: the positive and the struggles.
cammi99
Love 'your' blog and I stress that it is 'your' blog so you can write whatever you want (which is why I love reading). I do wish you were not so hard on yourself as I cannot even comprehend how you seemed to slide right back into 'normal' life after giving birth.
*smacks guiliani*
*hugs you*
*hard*
because you're amazing, intelligent, loving, and a damn fine woman.
thank you for writing this, charlotte, thank you so much…
You've got such wonderful supportive readers Charlotte! I love reading through these comments. 🙂
my turn. here comes another big sigh.
you know I love you right?
ok.
As I read some of these posts, I have to remind myself to not compare myself to you. Because while I have an easy time *not* comparing myself to most people, I feel that we have so much in common that it's a little harder to do. You have three little boys and a new baby. You write. You love hip-hop. I find so many of the same things hilarious/awesome that you do (man's finger through his eye NOT being one of them). Not only that, but you know what it means to have callings, you don't drink, you pay tithing (assumption, hehe), You have an LDS perspective, access to the Spirit and Atonement.
So yeah, I'll admit it. Sometimes I do come away wondering why I don't care as much as you about getting to my goal weight. Should I be making this a higher priority? Am I lazy? What's wrong with me?
Nothing. I remind myself we are maybe not as similar as it outwardly seems and read with a different set of eyes. because I DO love your honesty. but sometimes I come away reading something and I feel similar to when I read fitness/celeb magazines (I need to be better! and not in a healthy way, I don't measure up, etc.) And while I take responsibility for the way something "makes" me feel, I don't read celeb anything anymore. I don't get fitness mags because I'm happier and healthier without them. So there you go. Not that gfe will ever fall into that category, but I do think just being more aware of how your "deep-seated crazy" may affect an impressionable reader isn't a bad thing.
Please take that whole rambly shambly mess of a comment in the spirit of it's intent, with love.
I've been offline for a few days and am just catching up.
Firstly that woman is so annoying, which is why I don't watch those shows, buy so called "women's Magazines" or anything like that 🙂
I suffered depression a few years ago (not sure if I've mentioned it before) and one of the factors with that was negative thought patterns.
I have an exercise that I thought I'd share that helps derail them and get your mind in a more positive space, I hope that's alright.
Take a minute and stare at a spot above eye level, looking up with your eyes. Focus all of your attention on that spot until that's all you're aware of, then slowly bring your awareness to the periphery, without moving your eyes. This can take a some practice and now takes me seconds to get into this space.
When you're in this awareness focus on and feel gratitude and love for the good things in your life. For example I concentrate on my niece, I picture her in my mind and let the love I feel for her permeate me, and I'm grateful for having her in my life. I then go on to other people, things, events etc.
I do this whilst in line at the bank or post office or wherever. By the time I get to the front of the queue I'm feeling on top of the world.
It takes a minute or so and redirects your mind to positive things, releases those good hormones in the brain and does all those good things. And you'll find that the negative, self critical thoughts take a break.
I love that you're honest in this blog and I hope you don't censor yourself, or your feelings. This is your blog to blog with how you please 🙂