courtesy of the awesome Natalie DeeI had a panic attack on Friday. A full-fledged hyperventilating, heart pounding, must do deep yogic breathing to remedy it, panic attack. What brought this on? A death in the family? Another discipline note sent home from the school? Heidi Montag having another surgery (heaven help us all)?? Nope. A friend came over to pick up my 2nd son for a playdate and surprised me by also taking the 3rd one (a.k.a. the one who has been insanely obnoxious ever since his sister has been born). Seeing as the eldest was in school and Jelly Bean was napping, that left me with… no kids! For TWO HOURS.
My mind reeled at this unexpected gift. Do you know how much I can do in two hours without anyone clinging to my leg and peeing down my sock (true story)? This is when the panic set in. Do I write? Blog? Pay bills? Mop the floors? Read a book? What if I make the WRONG choice and WASTE this precious gift?! Oh the hysteria!
So I did what any rational person would do (that’s my new hobby: copying what rational people do in the hopes that someday I will become one) – I posted my quandary on Facebook. Immediately all of my friends replied: Take a nap!
I should have. I’m certainly sleep deprived enough to be able to lay down anywhere anytime and conk out. And yet, I was so worried about not making the most of my time, I cleaned instead. Like many of us, my to-do list is a mile long and I never seem to make much progress on it. So I went up to mop the entry way which thanks to the ridiculous layout of our house doubles as our mud room and therefore needs mopping a hundred times a day. But then I realized I had to sweep first. So I went to get the broom out of the kitchen. Only to get distracted by the breakfast dishes still in the sink. I started loading the dishwasher and then realized I needed to run to the basement to get more dish soap. If I’m going to the basement, I might as well take down a load of laundry! You can see where the two hours went.
Later that evening, when I sat down to nurse Jelly Bean I picked up reading my new favorite book, The Okinawa Program (which will most likely be a Great Fitness Experiment in the next few months) and as luck would have it, opened right to the chapter on “Time Sickness.” Apparently in Okinawa, most people reject the Type A, overachiever, must-do-everything mentality. As the authors observe, there is a difference “between feeling in control of time of feeling controlled by it.” Oh, Sensei, is this girl ever controlled by time!
Are You Sick Too?
They offer a handy quiz to discover if you too have Time Sickness. There are 30 statements that if you answer yes to 16 or more you have a “time sickness behavioral pattern.” Let’s just say I hit 16 points by statement number 10 (I gave myself double points for the ones I’m REALLY obnoxious at. Here’s a sample:
1. There is rarely enough time in the day to do all the things that I have to. (My motto. This will someday be written on my tombstone.)
2. It’s irritating for me to sit in traffic. (Just yesterday I was fuming over the fact that instant teleportation a la Star Trek has not come to fruition yet. Journey shmourney – I’m all about the destination!)
3. I sometimes finish other people’s sentences for them. (The Gym Buddies admirably restrain themselves from smacking me as I do this more often than people crack jokes about Mariah Carey bringing her own “globes” to the Golden Globes.)
4. I spend more time and attention on my career than my family. (Mother guilt! My specialty!! And while I answered “no” to this one, it would be a “yes” if the little nippers weren’t so insistent. There will be no ignoring my children.)
5. I often feel I have too many things to do. (Have you met me??)
6. I have trouble concentrating on one thing at a time. (Hello – broom… kitchen… laundry… wait, where’s the baby?!)
7. Passengers in my car ask me to slow down. (You know you have a problem when your 3-year-old screams “Hills are scary, mommy! You go too fast!!”)
8. I would describe myself as goal-oriented. (I suppose that would be the nice way of saying it.)
9. People tell me I talk fast. (Again, have you met me?)
In addition to the above questions, I also ‘fessed up to being irritable, competitive, cynical, a workaholic, perfectionistic, controlling and a micro-manager (just ask my husband about when he loads the dishwasher and later catches me sneaking down in the middle of the night to fix it “the right way”). Frankly the only question out of the 30 I could outrightly say no to was the one that asked if I needed tobacco, alcohol or intoxicants to wind down. I don’t but I’ve often thought that was solely thanks to my religion. Not to mention I don’t really wind down. Like, ever.
Obviously this has got to change. I had an epiphany the other day: even if teleportation were invented, I’d still find a million other things to fill all my newly freed time.
The authors offer a few suggestions to reset your internal clock to Okinawan time:
– Meditate. I love this! I know it helps me. A lot. And yet when I get busy – which is all the time – it’s one of the first things to go.
– Breathing exercises. Again, one I already know and love. This is key to managing my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome).
– Muscle relaxation exercises. Yoga saved my life!
– Hypnosis. Uhhh… no. I had a therapist once who tried to hypnotize me and finally decreed my un-hypnotizable. I’m too much of a control freak. Ah well.
– Healing touch. I love massages in theory. And yet I’ve had exactly one in my entire life and it was when my friend showed up at my door with her massage table and tried to get me to relax while our combined children ran shrieking in circles around us.
– Biofeedback. Never tried this but I know several of you (Hi Leslie!) have had good experiences with this.
– Regular exercise. Finally, one I can say HECK YES to!
– Eat right for your psychospiritual health. If I could just figure out the exact perfect way to eat then I’d so be there! Oh, wait…
– Maintain your “healing web” a.k.a. your support community: #1 key to longevity!
Other ideas also mentioned include learning to be optimistic, learning to manage hostility and anger, managing your time wisely, cultivating a healthy sense of humor and practicing conscious awareness.
It sounds like a lot but the more I think about it, the more I think these are just the kinds of changes I am looking for. Perhaps I can’t force myself to stop being neurotic about stupid things *cough*lasttenpounds*cough but maybe I can squeeze out the crazy by filling my life with positive things like this! Well, this and lots of seaweed. One step at a time, right?
Anyone else not know what to do with their free time? Is it just endemic to our Western culture? How do you declutter your life? Manage your time wisely?
You could just move to the deep south and embrace the lifestyle. Something supposed to start at 10? Won't. Until about 10:15. Didn't finish all you needed to today? No worries, the laundry isn't going anywhere and will still be there tomorrow. Get to it when you get to it.
I'm a bit more type A than most southerners, but I have a pretty good handle on not worrying about what isn't getting done. I think you either have that ability or don't; I've never known anyone to successfully change from control-freak to relaxed or vice versa.
Hi Charlotte,
Everything you say is an exact description of me! I am constantly so wound up I think if a normal person lived as me for a day, they would explode from the anxiety. I live with so much worry and stress that I get many physical symptoms: lots of muscle twitches and spasms, trouble sleeping, trouble concentrating, etc. I am so hard on myself; more so than I would ever be on anyone else I know. I recently finished my MBA and at the end I decided to tack on an additional masters degree just because I could (and perhaps to feel that much better about myself). I would give anything to give myself a break and relax, but I can't. I'm trying, though. Things that have worked for me include:
-Psychoanalytical therapy (1.5 years at once per week). It took a while for me to get anywhere because I was cynical but it was worthwhile.
-12 weeks of CBT: Some results and I enjoy the breathing exercises I took away, but admittedly I didn't do my homework as much as I should during the course of therapy.
-Regular exercise (although it triggers past eating problems for me if I do too much).
-Yoga: Although I only do this if I do my other regular workout as it doesn't "count" as a calorie burner to me.
-Massage: Love it but rarely have the time.
-Would love to try more meditation, as I think it will help.
I respectfully disagree with Gena's comment about not being able to change, not necessarily out of fact, because biologically it probably is impossible to change your personality fundamentally once all your neurological pathways are formed. However, I would hate to think that if a person really wanted to go from Type A like us to a more happy, relaxed person, that they couldn't successfully do it. At least I have to keep believing that or what's the point in trying to improve?
By the way, how has the happy light been working for you? I'm thinking about ordering one!
-Lindsey
Gena – Say it ain't so girl! I have to hope that I can change:)
Lebrook – Glad to know I'm in good company at any rate! I had to giggle when you said you love CBT but slack off on the homework too – that's me to a T! And I agree, I hope we can change!
Well, I am living proof that change is possible. I'm no longer the crazy, neurotic, tightly-wound perfectionist I used to be. I still have some of the tendencies, don't get me wrong, but I've mellowed quite a bit. With age and therapy.
I like to take a page from a rooster I met in Hawaii a few years ago: he would cock-a-doodle-do at around 11 AM. When I asked his owner why he waited so long, he just shrugged and said "He's on Island time."
I can say yes to all the questions you listed except the traffic ones. I'm a very cautious driver.
I have recently developed an eye twitch; neck spasms have been common since I was in high school. I actually had a discussion with a bunch of law students about anxiety….several of them mentioned having 'tics', 'spasms' and one mentioned heart palpitations.
I didn't find CBT all that helpful for helping me with my 'crazies'. Massage is fantastic, yoga is also very nice. Exercise…if cardio it's good, but weight-training doesn't help me relax at all.
Plus, I don't think these traits are necessarily negative…it just depends on whether they're impeding your daily functioning.
Spare time (I mean, when I'm not doing errands or housework, or school work)…only happens when I'm avoiding something (sort of like what I'm doing right now…this paper will TOTALLY write itself….right?)
I have some of those traits – within 5 minutes of meeting me, the breathing physiotherapist I saw for my asthma established that I need to learn to REST and STOP. It was hilarious.
But I've learnt to make my daily To-Do list realistic and specific. If I just put on there "Finish X task", it looks insurmountable. If I break X task into 5 bits and think carefully about how I'm going to get it done, it's easier on the brain and less likely to cause a tic. I had a shoulder tic all day on Friday though so my methods are not foolproof.
Yoga is awesome, meditation is awesome and I love massage. But it's also about realising you're not superwoman and stop expecting yourself to be.
I ADORE the Okinawa Program.
and you know my story 🙂
I tend too much toward slackermode and really could benefit from a bit more oomph.
An hour alone?
I dash to the couch and watch my Tivod Real Housewives of Orange County.
I'm a bit like you – I think I failed. I always wish people came with remote controls so I could fast forward through the boring preamble to get to the point.
I'm also guilty of saying "If it can't be said in 25 words or less then I don't have time…"
A teleport thing would be excelent !
Free Time? What the heck is that? I know that if I was left alone in the house with no husband or kids I would be devoting myself to clutterbusting like their was no tomorrow.
Well, I stand corrected. I'm glad to hear that some people have successfully managed to change their personalities. I like what M said, though – these traits might not be negative if they don't impede your daily life. If they do, work on those areas. But I see no reason to try and entirely change your personality.
Free time? Tee hee!
Actually, I have to say that Saturday afternoon I was wiped out enough to sit down with my book and read for a few hours. It was wonderful.
But you just described the exact way I [attempt to] clean my house. I'm always bouncing around between things need to be done, therefore nothing ever gets finished.
I've been on a time treadmill for so long that it feels SOP to me!
I remember when in medical school while driving on 95 to an off campus location that I had just passed a exit and found myself in a serious accident caused traffic jam! My reaction was, GREAT!! I couldn't do anything about it, and I had a wonderful stress free hour just sitting in the car doing NOTHING!
I went into our walk-in pantry 3 times the other day and forgot each time what I was there for…
I am the queen of multi-tasking and have to force myself to s.l.o.w…d.o.w.n…
great post.
Another Suburban Mom – "clutterbusting" is now my new fave word! Do I get to wear an Indiana Jones hat and crack a whip??
Gena – Thanks for clarifying. I see what you mean now. You're right, I ought'nt try to keelhaul my whole personality but just the aspects that aren't working for me!
Allie – You lost me at walk-in pantry… drool…
M – Good point about them only being a problem if they are detrimental to my life! Also, you make me giggle – hope that paper did write itself, girl!
Oh heck ya! I had a freakout yesterday when my husband took the kids and left me alone for some "me time". I was so overwhelmed by the thought of everything I needed to get done. He came back and didn't understand why I wasn't relaxed!
I'm with you. I have friends who won't drive with me because I go too fast. I like to say I'm an efficient driver–no need to putz around behind a slow poke. (It's the Masshole in me.) You know, my husband used to get on me for redoing things the "right" way, but I've noticed he's started to pick up on some of my OCD tenancies. Woo hoo.
Wow – those describe me to a T – I just thought it was because I grew up in NY, walking fast, talking fast, driving impatiently (but not too fast). Not only does my poor husband not know how to load the dishwasher for maximum use but to me, he cannot even clean the countertops properly (as we discussed on Saturday morning after I sanitized everything and complained to him about how my early Saturday free time was now gone). He has suggested therapy many times!
I had forced breaks yesterday while at a volleyball tournament all day while my daughter was not playing (and I tend to not watch other teams matches – there is only so much volleyball you can watch). I sat in my car and read and yet kept feeling so frustrated that one of my precious days off from work was 'wasted' because I was not at home getting through my to-do list and working out. I think I need valium or something to chill on those days. I also assume that some of my neurosis was growing up in a very catholic household where wasting anything, including time, was the ultimate sin. I try to use that guilt thing on my girls when they 'waste' an opportunity but it does not seem to hit them as hard (thank goodness for them).
Believe it or not, I have gotten better over the years. My husband is very low key and has helped to chill me out a bit but I still have far to go.
I also believe that my unease is worst depending on hormones – there are days that I am definitely much worse than others. I guess I better start some yoga!
Thanks for the great reminder… I really, really need to start the whole breathing/meditation thing again.
And I think the whole online world has done a lot to make it feel like there's always more out there to do, read, etc, and more people to keep in touch with… there's no way you could ever do it all.
I'm spending less time online these days (which makes me feel guilty) but seems to buy more time for reflection and family time.
And sorry to hear about the panic attack; those suck!
"maybe I can squeeze out the crazy by filling my life with positive things"
Too true…:)
I'm feeling this a bit now that I'm sort of back to "regular" life and adding in my MSc to my life. This weekend I managed to get all my MSc work done AND clean the house. I've decided that I am I'm just going to start scheduling time for myself into my day right along with other things…then I know I get at least an hour to myself.
The biggest thing I got as far as keeping on top of chores was from the Flylady website (…worked for me) was to pick one area a week and in it, one thing to clean and do it for 15 minutes before I went on to something else. No going somewhere else. No stopping to do another thing while I do that thing….to just finish one thing at a time. Then even if I don't get my whole lsit done at leas tthe thing son it I *have* done are done.
Seriously a sanity saver for me…
I'm pretty good at letting myself get sucked into reading blogs and browsing the internet, but I usually feel like I've just wasted so much time when I could have been doing 10 million other things. Then I get stressed out that those things aren't done. I guess when you grow up with a mother who never, ever sat down, you think that sitting down and relaxing is abnormal. Keep that in mind when you think about what you're passing on to your kids!
I'm pretty good at letting myself get sucked into reading blogs and browsing the internet, but I usually feel like I've just wasted so much time when I could have been doing 10 million other things. Then I get stressed out that those things aren't done. I guess when you grow up with a mother who never, ever sat down, you think that sitting down and relaxing is abnormal. Keep that in mind when you think about what you're passing on to your kids!
I'm pretty good at letting myself get sucked into reading blogs and browsing the internet, but I usually feel like I've just wasted so much time when I could have been doing 10 million other things. Then I get stressed out that those things aren't done. I guess when you grow up with a mother who never, ever sat down, you think that sitting down and relaxing is abnormal. Keep that in mind when you think about what you're passing on to your kids!
Gemfit – Love the "realising you're not superwoman" (brit spelling especially;)) So true.
Amber Rose – Oh my. I almost wish you hadn't told me ""If it can't be said in 25 words or less then I don't have time…" Because now I'm going to start saying that to people! I can feel it!
Javachick – maybe we should clean house together and between the both of us we'd make a whole brain;)
bjbella – I do the same thing! Isn't it sad though? My husband thinks he is doing the nicest thing for me (which he is) and then I'm all stressed out when he comes back…
Tracey – I'm still trying to "encourage" my husband to load the dishwasher the "right" way. It's nice to know they can be taught!
VaMomof2 – I knew we were soul sisters! It's good to know thatyou have mellowed with age. That bodes well for me!
Geosomin – I tried Flylady once about 5 years ago and she drove me NUTS with her e-mails every 5 minutes. But I've heard she's revamped her system so perhaps I ought to check her out again. Thanks for the reminder!
After coming back from a year working abroad and having to go through the joys of finding a job in this economy, I have a lot more free time on my hands than I've ever had in my life. I was pretty grumpy about it at first. I've always been that person that was involved in EVERYTHING and didn't have a moment to spare to do things solely for me. I would complain about having so much free time for the first week or so being back in the States — but everyone quickly put me in my place. And you know what — I think I've learned to embrace this free time! I've been running a lot, making jewelry, spending quality time with friends and family. Free time is a blessing. I won't have it forever and in the mean time, I've learned to embrace it. There's hope for all you free time panickers out there!! Hopefully life will present more free time and you will all have the opportunity to soak it all in 🙂
Hi I'm Erin – Blogs… oh the irony!! 😉
Ooh what a nice treat to get a bit of time to yourself!
I try to look at it all in perspective… like, really big perspective. I think about how old the world is, how long humans have been around for, and that's usually enough to make me realize that I worry WAY too much about the silly things!
And sometimes when I have TONS to do, I sit down with a book and a snack and close my bedroom door and shut out the world for a while. It waited this long; it can wait a little longer. I'm not going to get anything accomplished if I'm feeling stressed out!
Oh man, I read that and immediately agreed with way too many of the "statements." Then I thought about what I should reply and literally started out writing "I know what you mean! I don't have time to reply right now but I want to get back to you!" I realized the irony so I deleted that and decided to write a real comment.
About a year ago I had a panic attack one day in my grad student "office." I had no idea what was going on until I got to the doctor and thankfully saw a doctor who didn't want to just give my Xanax, but sat and talked to me for an hour. I had been type A forever and I realized I needed to change something because it was starting to affect my health. I eventually quit a lot of the things I was involved in and "learned" (forced) myself to stop doing things all the time. I enjoyed it for awhile but I am getting the itch to be busy again, I thrive under some pressure. I'm just trying to make it LESS pressure this time.
Obviously, you can't and don't want to "quit" many of the stressors in your life! But if there is anything you can do less of, or some time you could even just sit and have tea and a moment to yourself, write in a journal or something, and figure out the most important things and eliminate some others. Hope that wasn't too ramble-y! Deep breath! 🙂
i am sooo type A that i need to be incredibly busy in order to be productive. it helps me to schedule and write it all down in a planner. sure i say i'd love more free time but whenever i have it i don't do anything. maybe that's the point BUT i don't do anything for me either. it's more just sitting at the computer and wasting time…
All I can say is I need a lot of work!!!! I can't even count the number of ways I need help! OMG, should I take to FB??? 🙂
Lots of times when I have this time, I feel like I waste it…. help me! 🙂
So not here to advise since I had the SAME freaking day as you. The baby had two–2!–long naps and I didn't know where to start! Look forward to this experiment!!
I guess I did pretty good on the test. But I will admit that time just flies by and as a fellow-multi-tasker, one can get soooo many things (partially) done. I do this all.the.time. It takes a lot of time just to run the minutiae in our lives- and then add blogging/reading&enjoying blogs- poof- day over! 🙂
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