Sometimes when a man and a woman love each other, they make a baby. (I know you were confused – you’re welcome.) In this whole scheme, women get all the glory. After all, we’re the incubators. But you know who gets lost in all of the gestating, birthing, bleeding and nursing? Men, with their pittance of bodily fluids, that’s who. And until a man learns how to lactate on demand, it’s probably going to stay that way.
But while a man can’t birth his own little bean – a fact I don’t think they are at all sorry about – that doesn’t mean that sympathy pregnancy weight isn’t real. Like a pregnant friend on Facebook recently wrote, “I woke up in the middle of the night to get a drink. My husband asked me where I was going. Then he asked me to bring him a cheese stick while I was up.”
It just isn’t fair that while there are a plethora of workouts to whip new moms back into prebaby shape, there isn’t much for new dads. And frankly, if we have to suffer with this nonsense I don’t see why the men should get a pass. Chris Illuminati, author of A**holeology and so hilarious he puts ab rollers out of business, is going to be a new dad soon and asked me to fix this problem. Of course I was willing to oblige.
Charlotte’s Baby Daddy Workout*
1. The Pick-Up-The-Baby Squat. Being unable to hold himself up, your little bean will lay around just like, yes, a sack of beans. But a sack of beans that gets heavier every single day. To prepare for this, do goblet squats. First pick a weight resembling your baby (in weight, not looks – if you have a baby that looks like a dumbbell you have bigger problems than stomach flab.) Then double it. Triple it if you’re not a wuss. You never know for sure if you might be having twins or triplets until the last bit of placenta comes out! Squat down, pick up weight gently off the floor and then clutching it to your chest as if it is your fragile new PlayStation, slooowwwly stand up. Squat back down, returning weight to floor. That’s one rep. Repeat 12-15 times, for 3 sets. Be sure to keep your weight in your heels and BOTH hands on the baby/weight. To add difficulty (and up your wife’s blood pressure) hold weight over your head for the duration of the squat. Hint: Most newborns are 5-8 pounds
2. The non-dominant arm curl. Are you right handed? Then prepare to have your left bicep bulk out like the Incredible Hulk in the episode where he candy stripes at the hospital nursery (they did that one, right?) because you will constantly be holding your mini-me in your left arm so that you can get stuff done – like surf the ‘net, yo – with your right arm. To prevent looking as lopsided as an Iranian election, start doing bicep curls now. But ONLY on your non-dominant arm. Pick a weight as heavy as you can manage for 8-12 reps, 3 sets. To make it as realistic as possible, hold a carton of eggs in your other arm at the same time. If you end up with quiche, Epic Fail.
3. The colic lunge. New babies cry. Some of them cry a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Thankfully you can make lemonade out of your little lemon. Not only can you get quads of steel doing this move but you’ll earn extra bonus points with the wifey (not redeemable until 6 weeks post partum) for letting her get some sleep. First, plant your feet just wider than hip width apart in a sumo squat. Then holding your swaddled (the swaddle is key!) dumbbell/baby very tightly, lunge vigorously from side to side. This is not the time to be namby-pamby. When I say vigorously, I mean there is no such thing as too much motion to your baby. (Not to be confused with shaking your baby. For the love of John Edwards, never ever shake a baby.) Repeat for hours, any time any where. Ignore the evil looks from people who think you shouldn’t be taking your newborn to the movies, much less lunging like a maniac in the aisle. You may be a parent but you’re still a person and are therefore allowed by law to leave your house.
4. The chest press to throw up. Babies are masters of physics. They come out of the womb knowing that what goes up must come down and therefore anytime you hoist your little petard above your head, vomit is going to come raining down. Into your open mouth if you’re really lucky. To prepare yourself for this eventuality, lay on your back holding a dumbbell in each hand. Press straight up. At the top of the movement have someone jump on your stomach and then drop a couple spoonfuls of cottage cheese on your face. Surprise is the key to honing your reflexes along with toning your pectorals. Repeat 8-12 reps for 3 sets.
5. Running away from your responsibilities cardio. At some point after your wee one is born, it will hit you how much work, time, money and sleep you are losing in this deal. You will want to pull a John Edwards. Unfortunately the law does not look kindly upon refusing to care for your spermies that have made it out into the wild. Neither does your wife. So the next best thing to running away is to simply run. If you want to be a hero, put the baby in a jogging stroller and take him or her with you. Just make sure your music isn’t turned up so loud you can’t hear him or her cry. Start with 30 minutes a day 4 days a week, working up to daily sweat fests by the time the kid is old enough to make you have to stop and hold him over the biffy seat in the park for 20 minutes before he decides he’s too cold to poop (hey it’s a great move for your shoulders!).
Just remember new daddies – just because she calls you “baby” doesn’t mean you need to act like one! For more general hilarity and info. on fitness for new dads check out my interview with Chris Illuminati over on his site today! Leave a comment here and tell him your best fitness advice for new parents to win a copy of his new book!
*No this is not February’s Great Fitness Experiment. I needed a little more time to get that one all put together for you guys so you’ll find out all about it tomorrow!
Too many funny parts to this post to recall. I may as well hit edit-copy-edit-paste. You are so funny! 🙂
BTW the cottage cheese part was gross. I may never eat it again…thanks for saving me a lot of money over the course of my life time.
Too funny!!!!!!
I would add the middle of the night sprint to the crib (to get the baby so Mommy can sleep), but that's just not realistic.
ok BEST ONE EVER is the running away from the responsibilities cardio.
FREAKIN CLASSIC.
#4 happened to my brother about 25 years ago at JFK Airport. He, wife and three kids were shlepping through the terminal, wife had to take the two older kids to the bathroom.
Baby was screaming his head off, and my brother lifted him overhead and started jiggling him, which usually made him laugh. This time it produced projectile vomiting, right on top of my brother's head.
He cleaned up as best he could, but still… Wouldn't you have loved to sit next to him on a five hour plane flight?
Love it! Hubby will have to put this to action, assuming this baby ever comes out of me.
On a side note, you wouldn't happen to have any experience with jogging strollers and newborns? Almost everything I've read says not to use them until at least 6 months, but that puts a huge damper on my marathon training.
Charlotte, this was great! And should be required reading for every expectant father! 🙂
Now there is a workout that will make a man out of, well, a man!!
Next time make him carry around a big watermelon for 9 months 🙂
Soooo great Charlotte! I am e-mailing this to a friend who is expecting their first child (giggle).
Oh the colic lunge, know that one well.
I actually snorted my coffee on a few of these… ouch! Thanks for a hilarious post that resonates with all us moms and should be given to dads along with all the other paperwork at the hospital!
Deb – I should have clarified: baby barf is like WARM cottage cheese. You're welcome:)
Azusmom – LOVE that one!
dragonmama – I would have sat next to him! Because chances are I'd be smelling like barf too and misery loves foul company!
So glad I decided not to pack cottage cheese with my lunch today. That was gross but so hilarious.
KUrunner – It totally depends on your jogging stroller. If you have the kind when the baby has to sit up and face forward to use, then yes they need to be 6+ months with good head control. Some joggers will take a car seat though allowing your baby to recline and face you. Those you can use from the get go. Plus the babies love the motion and the fresh air!
I gotta tell you tho, running with any jogging stroller SUCKS. You can't swing your arms! Totaally messes up your stride.
Dr. J – between his knees right!?
bjbella – I swear, parents of colicky infants are a special club. I can spot one a mile away: combo of that wild-eyed harrassed look and the crazy dipping/lunging/swinging
clean fresh mommy – Thank you! They could give it to the dads while the mom is getting her episiotomy stitched back up. If that doesn't guilt them into it I don't know what would;)
He hee…the throwing up part made me crack up. My nephew was like that…milk allergy my sister didn't figure out until he was a few months old.
Yeah. It was good times.
To this day, anytime I'm *near* a baby I keep my mouth very firmy shut 🙂
hahaha what an awesome way to start my monday morning 🙂
freakiing hysterical! Never laughed so hard at a blog that has so much truth to it. the cottage cheese…. priceless! Thanks!
You totally made me laugh this morning. Loved the post.
I think though that 20 lb dumbell-baby dolls might actually be a marketable product; you should jump on that before someone else does!
I was a really colicky baby- my dad found the best thing was to put me in a child bike seat and ride around for about 45m (once I could sit up, and he would also put a little helmet on me). I guess that's a more overt way of adding in baby-care to a workout, but still.
Sorry, folks- if you thought Charlotte's cottage cheese tidbit was foul, you're going to want to skip this. My darling husband set the standard for Expectant Daddy workouts, so I must share.
My hubby started his training precisely at 7 weeks gestation with both of our little ones, as that is the freakishly predictable moment when my "morning" sickness kicked in. Here's how he got through his two journeys through hell (i.e., having a wife with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Don't know that term? The first word says it all: You know what Hyper means. And Emesis means vomiting. Constantly. For months on end. Good times.)
1. Stomach (and Gag Reflex) of Steel– Watch/listen to your beloved heave up increasingly noxious fluids as she simultaneously rids her system of all foreign substances and ingests the latest "miracle cure" for nausea. Saltines! Ginger Snaps! Smoothies! Ice Cream! Ginger Pills! Prescription Medicine #1! Prescription Medicine #2! Bile! A few weeks of that, nothing the baby can produce will phase you.
2. Ninja Reflexes– You'll hone these using both large- and small- muscles.
Small: 1. Reach for and swiftly re-locate any item within range of your beloved when she gets "that look". 2. Duck your head/ shift to the side when your beloved hurls her "sea-band" bracelet at you because the *&^$&* thing doesn't work. You'll want to be sure you've perfected this move before you upgrade to the minor-electric-shock bracelet. That *&^$&* thing doesn't work, either- and it's a lot heavier than the other one.
Large: Swiftly maneuver the vehicle to the side of the road while scanning the landscape for a spot that will offer some small measure of privacy to your beloved while she pukes right there in front of the unfortunate passers-by.
3. The Clean-and-Jerk– Maintain bathrooms and a kitchen that are devoid of any odor or nausea-triggering visuals (such as food) at all times. Pay special attention to the kitchen sink, which must be kept completely empty as it will become your beloved's go-to vomitorium of choice. If any odor or offensive speck remains, graciously endure your deranged beloved's assertion that this is ALL YOUR FAULT, you JERK! (I never said that, but it made the clean-and-jerk thing work).
4. Supermarket Shuffle/Sprint Interval workout– Arrive at a retail location with your cranky beloved who will refuse to stay at home but doesn't have the strength to walk through a store. As she "pushes" the cart (read: leans on it to hold herself up), use one arm to actually push the cart and the other to help her stay vertical. Shuffle along at a pace that would require approximately 2 weeks to walk the whole store. Then, at the very moment that your beloved decides she can't take one more step and tearfully announces that you should've left her at home where she was happy, take off at a sprint through the store gathering the necessary items like a madman. Return to the spot where your wife sits (yes, right there on the linoleum floor of the canned-soup aisle) before she gets bored and/or needs to throw up again.
Repeat all of the above daily from 7 weeks through 30 weeks gestation. Once you've mastered those skills, you'll be given the opportunity to do the Masters-Level Expectant Daddy Workout:
Do all of the above while simultaneously caring for a 13-month old because you crazy kids decided to roll the pregnancy dice again.
Finally- and this is the most important part– for the love of decency and sanity, get a vasectomy before the baby is born so that there is absolutely NO chance you'll run that hellish gauntlet again.
(The babies are 6 and 7 now… and as you can see, I'm not quite over it yet! I doubt my sweet hubby is, either. The man deserves a medal.)
Wow – hate to follow Allison – I just carried big ziplocs everywhere for 2 months, can't imagine doing it for any longer! I too tried the seabands, saltines, pretzel rods, you name it.
The one workout I would add would be balancing large, fidgety objects on your hips. I could not wait until mine where 'hip' babies (meaning they had enough head and body control that you could sling one on your hip leaving your dominant arm completely free. Once you have 2, that includes getting the younger one in place and then heaving the older one up on the other side. I expect lifting 20-30 pound bags of bird or dog food and then then trying to get anything done would do the trick.
Forgot to mention that it does get easier when they get older. I used to get in some great cardio chasing after mine in their little electric car begging them to please slow down and take a break now. Ditto with running after them during the training wheels and post-training wheel days. Lots of running back then (but always at a crooked angle holding onto a bike seat – no wonder I am having back trouble now).
So funny!
I learned the hard way with my oldest son not to jiggle your baby over your head and look at him with your mouth wide open. People warned me about the fire hose during a diaper change and it's all I focused on. Anyway, he loves to tell that story EVERY time someone new comes over for dinner and right in the middle of the meal.
Oh Allison, you poor thing!!!! Yes, your husband deserves a medal, but YOU deserve a purple heart!
Too funny! I know nothing but I loved reading this!
Azusmom- Thanks, but I got the best reward possible– two healthy kids and the knowledge that I NEVER have to go through that again! : ) I also got enduring sympathy for all queasy preggos and a near-pathological fear of the stomach flu– any time I get sick I have to literally talk myself down and remember that it won't go on for months!
Yeah Allison – your comment made me both laugh hysterically and also retch sympathetically. I barf too but nothing like you, sister! Glad you and the hubby and both kids all made it through intact!
You are so hilarious. Always. I love this for all kinds of reasons.
Charlotte– you are one seriously funny chick– the notion that I made you laugh hysterically made my day. : )
OMG, Charlotte, I just laughed out loud for that whole freakin' post! That was awesome!
My baby is 4 weeks old and literally beating the hell out of me. My workouts have stopped, I am exhausted, and I can't believe how such a little person can get the better of me. Since I can' get to the gym just yet with helping out at home I picked up a nice set of resistance bands with a door anchor. Allows me to do pretty much every exercise I want, vary resistance, and get some cardio. It isn't the gym, but I think it is a solid stop gap to keep my excited about being fit. Also avoid all late night snacks when up at 2am with a crying baby – i think comfort foods can become a huge problem with new dads.