I used you. I’ll admit it. I started this blog as a way to talk about all the health and fitness research that I geek out over so much in real life, thereby giving my long-suffering friends and family a break. But as I got writing, I discovered that for me blogging is so much more than just words. It’s free therapy! And in my mind, one can never have too much therapy.
It all started when I first delved into the reasons that I got into exercise. Sure it was to lose some baby weight but the timing was no coincidence. When I was just a few weeks pregnant with my second son, I found out an ex-boyfriend of mine from college (referred to on this site as simply G. or occasionally as Very Bad Boyfriend – not because I’m afraid of being sued or that he’ll find me again but because saying his name still turns my stomach.) had been arrested for sexually assaulting a girl in my old college town. After five years of nightmares, I realized for the first time that what had happened between us wasn’t just between us after all. I decided to go to the police.
That phone call irrevocably changed my life. I discovered that he had abused other girls before me. And that in the five years since we’d broken up, he’d not only continued to molest but the attacks had increased in severity. He’d even earned himself a nickname in the local paper: The Night Stalker, due to his preferred modus operandi. Clearly he needed to be stopped. In the end, only three of his victims decided to press charges. That was a decision that I am admittedly ambivalent about. Law & Order: SVU, it wasn’t. Quite honestly I still don’t know if I did the right thing.
The court case lasted 9 months, the entire duration of my pregnancy. I was a wreck. I didn’t eat. I slept too much. I had massive PTSD attacks. I barely managed to care for my older son, much less myself. And I cried more in those 9 months than I have in my entire life. When at long last he was finally sentenced – he got a year in prison with time served, mandatory sex offender counseling and seven years on the sex offender registry – my body heaved one last sigh and my baby was born the next day. At ten pounds, he was outwardly healthy but he had complications I blamed myself for. See, they’ve done studies that show when a woman is under severe stress during her second trimester – and it was at 6 months along that I faced him in the courtroom – that the baby suffers long-term neurological issues, particularly those related to elevated cortisol like anxiety disorders.
Guilt. About not reporting him sooner. About reporting him at all. About my baby and his extreme colic. It was omnipresent and overwhelming. So I did what felt reasonable at the time: I ran away. First I started with the hill next to our condo. Soon every morning I was rising before dawn to pound out my emotions on the pavement and drown them out with angry music in my ears (I refer to that as my A.F.I. System of a Down Chemical Romance phase). And that’s how I got into fitness! Not exactly the inspiring story you thought it would be, eh? Well not yet anyhow.
I still hadn’t learned to talk about it. I felt like people would be disgusted if they knew what had happened to me, what I had done. Stifled in real life, the words wanted out and they found a way. I wrote a book about my assault and it’s 1,000 unedited pages (no joke) of unmitigated pain. I hadn’t healed enough to write the final chapter of redemption. It ended the way it started: me, broken, on the floor. Fast forward a couple of years and a few timid attempts to tell people what I’d been through and I found blogging. Suddenly those words that had heretofore only been read by my sister and father had a more public outlet. It was you.
I reached out to you and despite my posts relating only tangentially to fitness, you reached back for me. And we held each other and cried. You offered me a listening ear, support, anger when I couldn’t manage it myself and even the precious gift of your own stories.
Writing it all out here has been key in my healing. (Note: it didn’t replace regular therapy – I did PLENTY of that too. I love me my therapy.) Where I used to have nightmares, I now have peaceful sleep. Where I used to feel my story pressing behind my lips waiting to be whispered to the next passerby, now the psychic pressure is gone. There was a phase after the court case where I couldn’t read enough about the experiences of other women with rape, sexual assault, domestic violence and the court system. I think the librarian – if she ever bothered to look at my account, which I’m sure they’re too busy to do – must have thought I had one hardcore fetish. And that need too is gone now. Thanks to all of you.
Why all this now? For some reason, several people have recently approached me about this subject in real life and on the Internet. And I have found myself telling my story again. But this time it’s different. I’m finally speaking of it from a place of relative peace. I’ll never feel great about it. Some regret will always lay like a sigh across my heart. But I don’t fear the telling. Not anymore. So in an effort to consolidate all my posts dealing with my abusive relationship, sexual assault, the court case and the aftermath, I’m writing this as a clearinghouse of sorts. Here’s my story.
The night I was assaulted and the question I still can’t answer about myself.
More details about the assault, my abusive relationship and what I did to protect myself.
The connection between eating disorders and sexual abuse.
What it’s like taking your attacker to court.
How the court case impacted my pregnancy and brought my eating disorder back.
The gut wrenching aftermath of the court case.
The many ways victims try to feel safe again.
I may have started by running away. But it was through kickboxing I finally found my scream.
Finally getting to punch someone as hard as I could was very therapeutic.
When the anger finally started to come out, it scared me. And thrilled me.
Dealing with my PTSD brought on in a fitness setting.
Managing physically intimidating situations in the gym.
How I finally overcame some of my fears using jiu-jitsiu as immersion therapy
My experience as a rape crisis counselor.
The problem with blogging about my sexual assault: banishing Internet trolls.
Why I don’t condone reciprocal violence.
Teaching teenage girls to fight back.
The Not-Rape epidemic. Even when you aren’t raped, sexual assault still hurts.
What about you – have you ever blogged about anything intensely personal? Have you ever found healing by reading another person’s story on their blog? Or does it make you uncomfortable when people overshare?
It's incredibly brave to share such a personal story. I wonder if I would be able to do that but I do believe that time is the ultimate healer. But also, opening up about your experiences may be uncomfortable at first but it provides a chance to connect with those who have gone through similar things, which help you become stronger and heal faster.
There are certain things that we can never heal completely from , yet we can educate others how to avoid/prevent it.
I find it touching when people share personal stories- to me, it means there is trust.
\”to me, it means there is trust. \” Beautifully put! Thank you!!
I have to tell you, this post is exactly why I got hooked on the GFE. It wasn't for your workout experiments (although those rock too!), it was because you post about real life things in such a raw, honest manner. It makes you so easy to relate to, it's truly no wonder your blog is so popular; you have this incredible ability to relate to all kinds of people through your life experiences, both joyous and painful.
And I'm no different in that manner. For the first time today, I blogged about my past with disordered eating and my current struggle with cardio obsession. And that's largely because of you. Reading your posts about your struggles with your own eating disorder has helped me start to come to terms with my past and finally be able to put words to the pain that controlled my life for so long. I have found healing in reading your painful story and have finally started to make peace with the controlling monster that lives inside of me. And there are even moments where I feel like I have the upper hand. And all of that's thanks to you (and some brutal gym workouts :]). I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart for opening yourself up the way you do to so many strangers. I know I am one of many who have benefited from your story and I am so very grateful that you decided to share those painful parts of you with us. I, for one, would not be the same without you.
Oh wow. You just Made. My. Night. Thank you so much for this! I want to read your blog/story now! You didn't link it in the comment… send it to me? 🙂
You are very transparent and I love it.
No, I haven't and not so sure I will ever blog about anything intensely personal. The most personal story I ever wrote was about how I met my husband and that took me 6 hours to write. It's called "From Psycho to Princess Playlist" if you wanna read it. (No pressure!!!) On top of the hours it took me to actually write it…it took another 2 hours to hit publish. Sometimes, I want to start blogging more about my struggles with depression, borderline personality disorder, and sexual assaults but I'm not so sure that is the direction I want to take my blog. For one it's a big commitment to readers and I'm not sure I want to make it. Two, it may make my family uncomfortable. But then I think I didn't spend 5 years in therapy for nothing…maybe it would help someone. I dunno. Until I feel "moved" I'm sticking with my current topics.
I don't try to keep it a secret; I would blog about it if it ever came up directly.
Early Childhood Sexual Abuse, and 5+ years of therapy (as an adult).
Now, when I am depressed, I use the tools I learned in Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. Which works for me, for the most part. Sometimes I blog that I am having a regular "human" bad day, or a hard time with something. But I have never directly linked it to my long history of childhood sexual assault.
I suspect there are many, many (did I say many? )
overweight bloggers who share the same past.
I admit that I did not read this word for word, I am not quite in the frame of mind for a heavy post, but with a cuppa coffee tomorrow, i can hang 🙂
I did read the last paragraph that you're at peace. Amen. I am happy for that.
xoxo
Charlotte, I am so glad we met! Rape is an awful thing, and it affected my life in more ways than I would like to admit. I went the opposite directions. I ate my feelings. I didn't feel worthy of being pretty or thin. Now, I've regained the power.
Amen to that sista, Amen.
Thank you Charlotte for reminding rape survivors that we are not alone, even though we feel like it.
You're da bomb!
If you have any worries about doing it, I wouldn't. Most people are super supportive but I have gotten some seriously disturbing comments on those posts. I think you have to be pretty committed and not feeling very fragile to put it out there and not suffer ill effects from it. And you are right – it isn't easy for my family to read about this. In fact, I think most of them skip these posts.
It sounds as if you have been through a lot! Whatever you choose to write about, I'll be reading it:)
No worries – I was just putting this out there as a resource. I'm not concerned at all if you read it or don't – you have to take gentle care of yourself and there is some potentially triggering stuff in those posts. I think for some people this kind of thing can be helpful but for others it isn't.
Love you!!
I remember first reading one of your posts about this. To me, I think it is brave for you to do it & we all can learn from it. Sometimes posts may make me feel uncomfortable but if I learn something, then it is all worth it. I love your raw honesty!
Thank you!
Charlotte, thank you for sharing your story. I can’t imagine what it’s like to go through that, push it out of your mind, and then have it all come flooding back one day. I can’t imagine what it’s like to face your attacker—in a public court no less. And I can’t imagine the fear of putting this out there for all to read. You’re incredibly brave and so real and honest. I think you’re helping a lot of women by doing it, probably more than you’ll ever know.
I'm bawling. Why is there still so much guilt associated with what happened to me? Will it continue to make me a loser at relationships and sexually terrified? I strive for peace with this but perhaps need to realize that it will never be a peaceful part of my past. I've not said "his" name since either and feel it would give him a human quality if I did. Had I not been dumped on my ass by my fiance after being raped I maybe could deal with that moment in time 9 years ago. I thank you Charlotte and J and L for helping me learn that I am not alone in this and that despite a 15 day jail sentence it is more justice than some. Turbo Jennie
Blogging is definitely a form of therapy. Writing- and having the support of readers- has helped me get through depression and work on my eating/weight/fear/control/emotional issues (jeez that sound like I've got a lot of baggage!). Being able to talk about the things that have happened to us (and ARE happening to us) also help us to reflect on the issues and see how we are affected and why we react in this way or that way. We understand ourselves better because of it… and we help others by talking about our issues, too: it reminds us that we're not alone. At least, it reminds ME that I'm not alone every time I read a blog that talks about deeply personal concerns. So, as always… thank you, Charlotte.
"I'm finally speaking of it from a place of relative peace."
Yay for peace!
Your strength is amazing, even though you say you don't feel strong. 🙂 I'm glad you're reaching peace.
I was assaulted by a stranger when I was 12. When I finally told someone, almost a year later, they called in the police and I couldn't remember anything about the man. I couldn't remember what he looked like, what color his hair was, or anything other than the shame and what I was feeling and doing at the time. And how he offered me a dollar. Not very helpful in a criminal case.
I used to go over in my head how I should have told someone when it happened, when something could be done, or how I should have tried harder to remember what he looked like, or anything…anything except what I did, which was hide inside myself. Maybe I could have saved another anonymous girl from the same thing.
Then I went through the same phase you did, where years later I wanted to tell everyone. Sometimes innappropriately.
I'm now also at a place of relative peace. 🙂 Thanks for blogging about it!
Sharing with people who have "been there" is such a positive way to get the pain to release, and I threw myself into high-impact aerobics until I puked, but for me the most cathartic was to write it all down like you did…then one day I took it outside and threw all those pages on the fire I had burning out in the garden …and as I watched the smoke rise it was like I was finally letting it go. Thanks for sharing Charlotte 🙂
While I haven't gone through what you have been through, my intensely personal horrible experience is that my brother was murdered (it was a random act of violence). I found a blog of someone whose older brother had also suddenly died, and found comfort in his words. I was happy to find someone who had similar thoughts/feelings about the sudden loss his his brother, and to know I wasn't the only one who felt that way.
I don't talk about my brother much, as I don't want to make other people uncomfortable or "ruin the mood" of the conversation. Seems silly to care so much about what other people think, when I've been through something so horrible (which included a full trial). I always feel awkward though answering the seemingly innocent question – How many siblings do you have? I *had* two brothers. I *have* one brother now.
I've never written about my experience, but a few years ago a student in my department at grad school was murdered, and I came forward to be a resource to others in the community. It was what I needed to make peace with my past, and put my experiences towards a positive end – helping others.
Thanks for sharing your Tough Stuff. It means a lot (even to those of us who rarely comment).
I cannot pretend to understand what happened to you, but one thing I DO know a lot about is books. And reading.
Reading is merely a more modern form of storytelling. Stories were invented by the first people to walk the earth–as a way to communicate with each other, be it about their latest kill, the birth of their child, or about what they believed to be true or false. Communication began with storytelling, because it was a way to create communities. Those who told stories were bound together by a commonality, a sense of shared experience.
Therefore, I understand completely your need to read other womens' stories, and to write about your own. It is a way of grieving, explaining, considering, and–maybe some day–letting it go. Or at least getting to the point where you can become yourself again, and share your own story with others.
I am so happy to hear that you can sleep at night and have relative peace. I can't even begin to imagine the horrors you have been through.
I don't blog about really personal stuff- aside from the last 10 pounds and some family sicknesses (& death)…but because my family reads my blog, I am not blogging about all of the sickness that abounds and the toll it takes on me and those around me. The other part is that I want to keep a comfortable distance and don't want to get in over my head. Even as it is, I can't find the time to keep my little blog going all the time, and keep up with my faves. Forget books, newspapers or beloved magazines,sigh. Perhaps one day. Just not now.
Again, Charlotte- I'm so glad that you are feeling better. You deserve only every happiness.
Oh wow – I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your brother! That is so wonderful though that you have been able to use the pain you went through to reach out and help others in a similar situation. I'm glad you have found some solace.
\”Those who told stories were bound together by a commonality, a sense of shared experience.\” You put that so beautifully! Thank you for your insight.
I am so sorry that you had to suffer too but I'm glad you have found some comfort in REBT. And I totally agree about the connection between food issues and sexual abuse.
You are such a strong woman and I'm so proud of you for everything you've accomplished! There's nothing you can't do!
Thanks – if it helps even one person, it's worth it:)
Oh honey! I'm sorry this is so tender for you. But thank you so much for sharing your story with me – you've helped me get through this more than you know!! You are never never alone in this. And 15 days is an insult.
And thank you for sharing everything that you do!
Yay!
Oh wow – I am so sorry that happened to you! What a tragedy, especially for a child! I'm so glad that you have found some peace as well. And I'm also glad to know I'm not the only one who went through the "telling everyone. sometimes inappropriately" phase!!
That sounds so freeing! Perhaps someday I'll have a bonfire of my own:)
Even though I have read your blogs about your assault this post still made me cry. You are so brave and such an inspiration to anyone who's been through something similar.
My story is quite trite compared to others. I was staying at a friends home, when the husband, someone I grew up with and considered a brother, came home late and figured that since I was asleep he'd 'cop a feel'. I half woke up and realised what was going on and turned over away from him. I always blamed myself for not screaming, belting him or something.
The worst part was the destruction of trust. I couldn't talk to my familty about it because between my word and his there is no doubt they would have taken his. His father also did the same thing to me when I was a teenager so I guess it runs in their family.
I saw a psychiatrist for this and it did help, but I still have trust issues. I said to her at the time that I don't know if I could have coped with being raped, rather than "just" asaulted.
OK – I've had a cuppa, a smoke, and I'm still shaking and teary. That's the first time I've written publicly about that.
Thank you for the safe environment to share.
I respect you for speaking up. I am the mother – and my daughter was sexually assaulted /abused by my common-law spouse. What a mother goes through is never discussed and many believe the mother 'had to know". It is the type of trauma that affects such a large number of people.And the affect is forever.
I have strong desire to speak out and DO something to STOP sexual abuse and assault. It is very difficult as sexual abuse within the home – usually by the father, or step-father is buried. Not talking will not prevent the problem.
TRUST issues ..oh my … my daughters and myself can definitely write at least one book about what sexual abuse and betrayal does to one's mind and how difficult it is to get past – if ever completely.
I have wanted to blog about this topic in order to help other mothers and offer support. But how do I do without involving my daughter and her sisters.?
I blog about other things – and find that very therapeutic!!
"Or does it make you uncomfortable when people overshare?"
yes.
but not when you do it, and I am being 100% honest.
I'm not even sure "uncomfortable" is the right word. More like worried for them. (I sometimes wonder about some of my real life friends and their grasp of this crazy world wide web thing. Like, DON'T BLOG ABOUT YOUR INLAWS. or …that spiritual experience came across as ..mm, not the way you intended it I'm sure… or … I really didn't want to know that about your husband.)
ok. I'll stop. this has nothing to do with you. except to say. Reading about your experience has been like reading an amazing book. depth, pain, hope, grief, loss, triumph. I'm glad people like YOU put it out there. Nothing but respect, love, and admiration.
[hugs from the HomeLand] 🙂
I sure hope I didn't come across as "oh poor me look what I've been through" I certainly don't want to represent myself that way. Truth be told, *I* have put certain people through a lot. 🙁
Thanks for the advice.
Wow. Just reading these comments has been pretty inspiring.
You take away the shame associated with these issues when you discuss them in a public platform. By doing this, you give so many women strength. You help empower us through empowering yourself.
What I'm trying to say is thank you; and I'm very excited to see what you do next.
Char – I posted this article in my "Healing from Rape & Sexual Abuse" forum online. I hope you don't mind…. Hopefully these sisters will be able to benefit as I have from knowing that peace CAN and hopefully WILL come someday.
Btw – I remember when you & I had a girls' night out and somehow the issues came up through our course of conversation. I remember both of us just giving bits & pieces… as though we were testing the waters as to how each of us would react. While we didn't delve into details, I appreciated that at a very basic level, we were able to trust just a tad to know that neither of us was going to freak out & abandon one another.
Love you girl!
Jessica Simpson is wearing makeup though!!! I can't understand that stupid claim that she isn't wearing it! She is wearing less noticable makeup but is still certainly wearing it!! You can quite clearly see some makeup on the eyes and I also think she is wearing light makeup on the rest of her face… stupid publicity stunt is all it is and people are just as stupid if they believe it!
Oh Amber! Never call your experience trite! There are many different levels of sexual assault – and that is what you experienced – and they can all affect the victim in very negative ways. For a long time I used to feel guilty that what happened to others is often waaayyy worse than what happened to me. And then my therapist point out that you just can't compare pain. It all hurts. And I'm so sorry that you were hurt and violated, my friend.
That first telling is always the worst:) I used to shake like I had the palsy anytime I spoke or wrote about it. (((hugs)))
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As I fellow survivor, I cannot thank you enough. I have overcome so much in my journey of healing, however learning to reclaim my physical self has been a nearly impossible task in the 8 years since my abuse. Finding this entry today, I believe, was God showing me that it is possible. I can not thank you enough for your grace and authentic voice.
Oh Mary – I am so sorry that you had to suffer in this way too! I’m so glad that my story has been a comfort to you. I totally understand how long the healing process can take and what a bumpy road it is. But it is possible:) Thank you for reaching out – your comment means a great deal to me.
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Dear Blogger,
Can you remember the most awkward conversation that you have had with
your parents? Yes, it probably was about puberty or reproduction.
Do you wonder why when we equip our 2 and 3 year old with i Pads, we fall short when it comes to educating them about our own bodies.
As awkward or tough as this topic may be, it is very important that our
children know, understand and respect their own bodies and that of others.Lack of knowledge and understanding could make them victims of fear,uncertainty and even sexual abuse.
As parents when we want to talk to our children on these tough topics, we
tend to bring in a lot of apprehension, which invariably brings fear and
confusion in children.
Wanting it make it easy for parents and children world over, we
at*”HowTo Tell Your Child” *have roped Ms.P & Mr.P, the friendly dragons to create a series of animated videos that make these exact awkward lessons positive,
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I am sure that you will love the concept. Do let me know when I can send across the videos.
Cheers,
Madhura.