Suicide is in the air. Kazakh model Ruslana Korshunova dove to her death from her New York balcony. Canadian model Hayley Kohle leapt to a similar fate from a balcony in Milan. On the same day as Kohle, model Randy Johnston died of a drug overdose. Columbian model Lina Marulinda also chose a free fall from a balcony. But there are other ways to die in the air besides jumping. Models Lucy Gordon, Daul Kim and Ambrose Olsen all recently hanged themselves, Olsen just last month. And of course, the inimitable designer Alexander McQueen ended his fashion juggernaut along with himself by hanging last February. Death is not yet in the ground. Just a few days ago model Noemie Lenoir was found in a forest, nearly succumbed to an intentional drug overdose. Mercifully she is recovering. [Source]
These deaths should not have happened.
By all accounts each of these young models and McQueen were at the height of their careers. Not only were they young and impossibly beautiful in a world that values nothing more but they had also achieved a degree of success in a highly competitive, fickle field. Why they would want to end their lives is a personal and, most likely, unanswerable question. And yet if anyone would have a reason to live, you’d think it would be these who were living the very definition of the dream.
Tragically many people every year choose to end their own lives and so I am not sure if this recent spate of model suicides (that looks funny every time I type that, as if they are modelling the proper way to die – setting the fashion to the very end) is disproportionate to that of the general population. But I do know this: if you ever needed proof that being thin and beautiful is not the secret to happiness than this is it.
Most of us can say when confronted with such an obvious example that of course being skinny, young and hot doesn’t automatically make you happy- Pamela Anderson alone should be cautionary tale enough – and yet we are sold this exact message in hundreds of insidious ways every day. Many of us buy into it. I buy into it. It’s so pervasive that I’m amazed whenever I run into a woman who doesn’t believe it. I want to grab her buy the shoulders and ask her where she gets her incredible self confidence, why she hasn’t been been beaten down by the relentless message that she isn’t enough, but she could be if she just lost weight/erased wrinkles/got bigger boobs/lightened her hair/got a better wardrobe/colored her eyes/toned her tummy (in 10 days! See page 54!)
There isn’t anything wrong with trying to be beautiful, to be healthy, to be your best self. And yet this drive to improve – or “addiction to fixing” oneself as one astute e-mailer put it – is a problem when it engenders self hatred. How is anything beautiful supposed to come out of hate? Ironically this tactic of self-hate is often one of the first weapons we employ, turning self improvement into self warfare. It does work. Sort of. You can hate yourself thin. I’ve done it before. But then you are just thin and unhappy, like so many falling models.
We live in an era where a diet – a diet! – is unironically called “Live Your Best Life.” (You can even buy your “Best Life” at your local grocery store, just look for the little green labels on your favorite brands! It doesn’t say but I’m assuming if you collect enough of the Best Label boxtops and mail them to Oprah then your Best Life will arrive by mail 4-6 weeks later.) Where losing weight is the fastest way to gain instant celebrity, or if you are already a celebrity to get a magazine cover. Where despite the highest unemployment rate in recent history, cosmetic sales and plastic surgery are increasing at an unprecedented rate. An era where models rain from the sky.
It’s sheer craziness. It’s jumping-off-a-balcony madness. I know all this and yet, deep down, I still believe if I could just lose these last 10 pounds I’d be happy. But thanks in no small part to you all, I think I’m finally willing to give that belief up. It feels scary to me. For one, I’ve believed this as long as I can remember. I may have outgrown Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy but I still cling with child-like devotion to the Beauty Bunny. And also, I’m convinced that this perpetual war with myself, this intense hatred, is the only thing between me and weighing 1,000 pounds and being housebound for the rest of my life. I’m afraid that if I give up fighting then I’ll lose everything. But I think that too is a myth. By fighting myself how can I do anything but lose? The key to my freedom is to give up the fight. Can I trust my body that it wants to be healthy? I hope I can. Because nobody should be falling; we should be flying.
Anyone else buy into the myth that thinness equates to happiness? Anyone else addicted to fixing themselves? Anybody else convinced that fighting yourself is the only thing keeping you from oblivion? Anybody totally sick of reading about this still?? (Anyone? Bueller? Bueller??)
The quote about being well-adjusted in a sick culture is not an accurate sign of health comes to mind; we've been so conditioned to equate our physical appearance with our ability to experience happiness.
A couple of years ago, smack dab in the middle of recovering from anorexia, I was working in east Africa and had a conversation with a couple of women about beauty…an anorexic in a famine-stricken region – sometimes I really have to question my sanity in taking that job… I shared with them the western idea that you can never be too rich or too thin – one of my closest friends, Nefia, snorted and said that richness hadn't worked out to well for politicians across the continent and you could be too thin – you could be dead. She equated happiness with a healthy, satisfied child, a job that she could support said kid with, and not being beaten by her husband.
DId I mention that Africa changed my life perspective a bit?
Great post.
Wow – what an amazing experience that must have been! I love Nefia's definition of happiness. Now THAT'S sanity.
"It doesn't say but I'm assuming if you collect enough of the Best Label boxtops and mail them to Oprah then your Best Life will arrive by mail 4-6 weeks later."
HA. HA. awesome, Charlotte.
And no. Not totally sick of reading about this still. I could eat this stuff up all the live long day. It resonates.
I am trying to get over the idea that thinness equates to happiness. I bought Geneen Roth's book last week because I am tired of trying to "fix myself" and thinking that if I could just make my thighs smaller everything would be better. Her book, like you said is life-changing. I have to stop obsessing and start living, not just for me but for my husband and kids. Trusting ourselves, our bodies does seem so frightening but I think it is the only way out of the craziness. I know I would be healthier in every area if I hadn't let myself become so entrapped in all of the myths. I am coming to realize that by letting go of the obsession I will become what I was trying to get to in the first place- healthy. I made my husband hide my chest strap for my heart rate monitor (I have worn it every workout since I bought it last Feb and wouldn't let my workout be over until I burned at least 500 calories and on days I was really motivated I would go for 600 to 800). My days are all about how many calories I've eaten or am going to eat and how and when I will burn some of them off to ease my guilt of eating (which most of the time is NOT a lot of food, nor bad food);
whatever and however much I eat is too much, even if it's carrots of cottage cheese. I am sick of living like this and am ready to take care of myself and my body by trusting myself, honoring my hunger and fullness and telling "the voice" as Geneen calls it, to go to hell. Easier said than done but I am going to give it my best.
Best of luck to you in giving up the fight and trusting your body!
Hee! Thanks girl! Glad someone else sees the humor in anything being branded \”Best Life\”. As if anyone's best life comes in a box of pasta.
I'm glad I'm not alone in this! I too get extreme guilt when eating – even if it's a big salad with steamed veggies and no dressing. It's ridiculous and it's NOT making me happy. Here's to kicking the Voice out the door!
Those deaths are very tragic. Being skinny definitely does not equate to happiness. However, neither does stuffing yourself with unhealthy foods. What people need is to find a balance.
I'm glad you finally got the "Follow" button fixed! 🙂
Go Charlotte! Go Charlotte! It's yo birthday! Can you tell I'm excited for you?!
I know I emailed you about this earlier, but having dealt for now more than half my life of "fixing myself"…eating disorders and all, I'm throwin' in the towel too.
Easier said than done, yes! But so great.
Pointers…throw out anything you WOULD normally do…delete those diet/exercise blogs, get rid of scale, etc. The addictive stuff has to be gone…it's TOO TEMPTING!
I feel naked and it's scary because frankly, there's a BLANK part of me. I told my husband I have so much more spare time now that I'm not obsessing over food/reading about diet/etc. WHO AM I!?!?!?! SCARY!
Let's do this! I need all the support I can! BE THE CHANGE!
I believe in you.
First I never get tired of reading your blog. Love your honesty.
MOST days I don't buy into that if I just lost 10 pounds I'd be happier. Why? Because I've done that and some only to find out I was the exact same person just a smaller one. That said I do enjoy being lean but I don't equate enjoying something with "happiness". Right now I am working on those last 10 pounds but this time around it's for an entirely different reason. (I want to pass my snatch test at the RKC and to use the lighter kettlebell I need to meet a weight requirement. Thankfully, it's in a very healthy range for me). It's very satisfying to be working towards a goal that has smaller jeans as a bonus but not the focus. That's not to say I don't have days where I'm down on myself, it's just that those days are no longer the norm or maybe it's b/c I'm distracted by the lines on my forehead that are starting to pop up. 😉
I dont buy into it and LONG for the day when we have the luxury of being sick of reading all this, Charlotte.
when it's so "over" and fixed and no one starves themselves to death and the media finally "gets it" that we CAN be sick of it.
until then we all look to you for your wisdom and the amazingly wise yet accessible way you can convey it to all of us.
Sir Issac Newton demonstrated that all objects fall to earth at the same rate. I guess insanity, is truly the great equalizer.
\”Be the change\”! I love it. You are right about not knowing who I am without all this nonsense. Although your comment about giving up the diet/exercise blogs… um, like this one? I hope that won't be necessary! Thanks again for your e-mail – it meant a lot to me!!
\”I don't equate enjoying something with \”happiness\” \” So very true! I love this. And someday I hope to be able to be as objective about you as my weight – as in, at XXX weight I feel healthy and strong so I'm going to eat to that end. Sounds so simple and yet…
Thanks Miz:) You know you are my role model in all this right??
Uh-oh. I think a doctor just called me insane! Hopefully it's not a permanent condition:)
Yes. And trying to change the perspective on all of that. *shudder* It's our minds that we need to work on most of the time, not our bodies! When we can stop THINKING in this way, we can make some real progress to being truly healthy.
when i was in high school i totally subscribed to that theory. as i've said before, getting older has been great for me in terms of accepting that my happiness doesn't depend on my jeans size although there totally are days where it seems that way
At this rate I'm going to be 90 before I figure it out;) But hey at least I'll be the world's most well adjusted nonagenarian!
It really is all in our heads!
It's weird that you posted this. Just a couple of weeks ago I was thinking about how I was finally content with my life. Sure, I'm 10 pounds away from my ideal body, I'm in a job I don't particularly love, I wish I were smarter, and who doesn't want a million more dollars to spend?
But I have a great husband, a family that loves me, and a the ability to do almost anything I could ever want to do. I can train to do my half ironman, save my money to eventually travel the world, read countless books, etc. There's just so much possibility life has to offer that it seems silly to mourn the few things that are beyond your reach for now.
I don't know if I'm explaining it right, or maybe this is just my love of all things spring and summery making me manic, but I'm glad for life right now. But of course, now that I've said it I'll probably be hit by a car tonight ; )
I lost weight and then realised the issues I had before were still with me. Only then did I try and deal with them.
We're conditioned to think that a perfect life will make everything great, and that involves us looking perfect. To want waht they tell us to want.
I try to shut out the voices from the constant advertising and just find what I want and need and go with that. Some days I even accomplish it 🙂
Yeah, but this isn't a diet/exercise blog, really. It's more of a LIFE blog. AT least, that's how I see it.
Well said, as always, Charlotte!
As I was watching an episode of "Real Housewives of Somewhere" I thought to myself that we have become so self-involved, and it's the opposite of self-aware.
Then I turned off the TV.
If we were all to give up the idea that thin=happy, imagine what we could accomplish! I sometimes ask myself what I would do with the time I currently spend obsessing over my weight. I could get A LOT done! (And the "health and beauty" industry that spends so much time and money making us feel horrible might just find itself bankrupt, which would be a plus.)
I also have to remind myself that the time when I was at my thinnest was also the time when I was at my lowest point. Happy? Hardly!
When I was younger (teens into my mid-20's) I was slim with no effort on my part. It was just the size I was and I didn't think about it much. Now, 15 or so years later, 40 pounds or so heavier, I am technically overweight for my height. I try to eat healthy most of the time. I try to work out regularly. I asked my doctor, given my health habits, should I be concerned about my weight and he said just keep doing what you are doing; the charts are an indicator, but they don't necessarily tell you everything. But I can't help it – deep down there is still that tiny spark of hope that someday I will be skinny again.
That being said, I would not say that I am an unhappy person. My life is not perfect, but I have the important things – a good husband, loving family, friends, decent job, comfortable place to live.
It would be nice to not care about my weight. Maybe I'll get there someday. But in the meantime I do try not to let it drag me down – it's one detail, not my whole life.
No, no – don't apologize (or duck flying cars) for being happy with your life! I think that's wonderful that you don't let the little things get in the way of appreciating a beautiful summer day and a body strong enough to do a half ironman!!
Phew! That's a relief!
You are so right: self-involvement IS the opposite of self-awareness! Love that thought
\”Some days I even accomplish it.\” I love you!!
For awhile, I did buy into the skinny=happy bit. Then, at the height of my 13 years of anorexia, I decided that I was miserable no matter what – whether skinny and anorexic or in recovery and "fat" (which was how I, at the time, saw not-scary-underweight) – so if I was going to be miserable, I might as well be skinny and miserable. For me, it was always more triggering to see people who were underweight pretending to be happy than to see just anyone who was miserable. Seeing someone anorexic but putting up the happy front would always make me think I could do it AND be happy… which of course I never could.
And then I actually dealt with my issues, worked with them and got better. I am happy – not all the time, but often. And I see myself as slim and having a nice body, despite the fact that I've gained a large amount of weight since my anorexic days. In fact, I like my body better now and actually think it's slimmer NOW than I did then – because now I can actually see it as it is, instead of seeing a crazily warped version. When I even think about it, that is.
It wasn't by any means easy – I'm simplifying for the sake of brevity – and I could still easily relapse at any time. But I am spiraling up instead of down now – the less I focus on my body and on being sick, the easier it is to focus on the rest of my life, and the happier I am with the rest of my life and myself… making it easier to focus on those aspects than to focus on the ED and weight.
I don't think being thing automatically equals happiness, but there is something to be said about losing those last few pounds of baby weight and feeling like yourself again.
Personally, I still have about 30 lbs to lose. Will losing them change who I am? No, of course not. But I know that it will make me happy for my outsides to match my insides.
I'm so addicted to trying to fix myself. I have more like 30# more to lose and it's slow and laborious! If I stopped the obsessing, what would I do with my time? What would I read? What podcasts would I listen to? What blogs would I read?
I'd like to think that when I reach my goal, and it will take a while, that I can move on. Now I'm wondering….
Amazing post Charlotte!!! Amazing!
Unfortunately like you, I long for the "pretty" part of it. I don't want to be "thin" anymore & like being fit & with muscles BUT I so long to "look better, face wise". I think even right now, if I had the money, I would get work done. I have wanted to fitness model since I got control of this body stuff & as I aged, I felt I would be a good example BUT the camera does not "love me" & that is just the facts in that world. I would not go crazy, just enough to follow my dreams.
I know people will look down on me saying this & sometimes I want to kick myself for saying it but.. I still wish to be prettier…
You are so honest!!!!!!
I love this! Thank you so much for sharing this – and congrats on your awesome recovery! Totally made me smile:)
I totally hear what you are saying here. While I know that losing these last *#$&%& 10 pounds will not make me happy, per se, it will allow me to wear all my clothes again and – like you said – feel like me again. After sharing my body with 5 needy little humans, feeling like myself would be such a gift.
For what it's worth Jody I do think you are pretty and I think you'd make an awesome fit model!!
I dunno – maybe you'll be better about it than I was but whenever I hit my \”goal\” I'd just feel like I had to make a new one and keep on trucking. It's led to – oh – about 5 years of increasing dissatisfaction with myself. I'm not saying don't try to lose weight or make yourself better. I guess I am saying though to be careful with the addiction part of it:)
The grass is always greener, huh? I think models and celebrities are just as miserable as any other American. Maybe more so because the pressure is greater. Look ugly on an off day, have the unlucky fortune of being snapped for Us Weekly, and your career can end. Gain a few pounds and you can forget about walking at Paris fashion week. At least I know that I won't get fired for gaining even 10 pounds.
I think we want to believe celebrity brings happiness, but it's hard to buy. That said, I totally beat myself up for not having the perfect skin celebs have in magazines. Not that it's real. I guess I just want perpetually photoshopped skin.
"And also, I'm convinced that this perpetual war with myself, this intense hatred, is the only thing between me and weighing 1,000 pounds and being housebound for the rest of my life. I'm afraid that if I give up fighting then I'll lose everything."
…dear fluffy lord, yes. And it's double bad when you've actually let yourself go and been there (ok, so 265 is not 1000 lbs but it might as well be for how different my life was). I am terrified at ever being that heavy again.
I end up with the "if only" mindsets too. If only I could get this guy to love me/date me/sleep with me/whatever, I would be happy. If only I could buy a house, I'd be happy. If only I could get promoted, I'd be happy. If only I could lose the weight, I'd be happy. Forever. All these things provide HAPPINESS, but they don't make me forever happy. I still have bad days. Things make me sad or upset. They were just goals I have accomplished or are working to accomplish.
As for the models, I don't even know what to say. I have never had the build so I never even thought of it – short and athletic doesn't get you runway jobs. 😛 I always idolized athletes and maybe actresses, not models.
so not sick of reading this;
grateful to God that I know another lovely,
sensible woman who is fighting the same damned demons that I am.
lady,
this is SO encouraging.
I've been praying for the courage to let go of that "ten pounds, and I'll be HAPPY" notion, too.
I'm praying that we'll both have the strength to do so.
as always,
I'm right there in the trenches next to you.
let's kick some ass, Charlotte.
I definitely don't buy into the artificial beauty – brought about by surgeries, chemicals, "unnatural" things. But a fit, athletic-looking body is my dream, whether conscious or subconscious!
It's hard to believe that I could be happy and fat. I used to be chubby, and I really was miserable with my body and my life. Now I'm not chubby, and I'm terrified of being fat again. I would lose all my confidence and sense of identity.
I can't believe that many models have recently committed suicide. The names just kept coming. My word!
Wow-o-wow!!! I *LOVE* Nefia's definition of happiness. Thanks for sharing that story.
I've read all the comments and pondered on this.
I'm not sick of reading this stuff. This is what we need to write and read all the time until it sinks in and we move on. Until then, we need this.
We need to hear that the grass is not green on the other side. It's just as patchy as our own lawn. It needs weeding and tending and care.
I obsess over the size of my hips. I know in the grand scheme of things, getting them down a few inches will not make me rich and famous. It will not make designers clamour to give me their clothes. I will not be supremely happy with a smaller hip measurement.
And so I need to read posts like yours and remind myself.
"I'm afraid that if I give up fighting then I'll lose everything. But I think that too is a myth. By fighting myself how can I do anything but lose? The key to my freedom is to give up the fight. Can I trust my body that it wants to be healthy? I hope I can. Because nobody should be falling; we should be flying."
My fave excerpt above. You are so gifted. And wise. And torn. As I'm torn. When I was thin, I was happy with my thin-ness but that was about it. All of the other problems in my life still existed. I grew up in Hollywood due to my Dad's line of work and I saw more starlets that were horribly insecure despite the beauty. And many, many effed up people with fame, beauty and fortune. I think that the core issue is this: no matter how beautiful/rich/thin etc we are, it's still us and all our shit walking down the beach in Bora Bora (if you saw classic film One From the Heart, you'll know what that is…but even if you didn't see the movie- you know what I mean.
Much love and you are perfect just the way you are. Honest.
Char, I love reading your work! This is my first time posting…I'm a newbie. I am in a constant state of "fixing myself". Trying to juggle working full-time, being a mother and a wife but in the back of my head being in constant "fix it" mode. Fixating on fixing is what I have self-diagnosed myself with these days. It's the magic number on the scale, "I only want to lose 9 more pounds…" and then what? magic happiness begins to rain from the sky? My plan for now, is to try and break the freakish amount of time I waste thinking about how I need to fix the way I look, what I'm eating, how many classes & calories burned at the gym, what size I'm wearing these days, blah blah blah
I am really trying to focus on being happy with who I am today; each day, a new day. I enjoy reading your work because I love how you write and because I can most of the time say that I have done, said, or thought pretty much everything you write about. Thank you, my friend.
I don't equate thinness with happiness, but I am happier when I am thinner. I don't like how I look or feel when I am heavier. I also don't like the way I look when I have acne or when I've gotten my hair colored or cut and don't like the results. I don't think our outside should decide how we feel inside, but who can help it? If big noses were all the rage and you had a little nose, you would want a big nose. Until there are NO fashion role models and NO physical body to aspire to, then we are stuck where we are…. wanting to look like that person that has what we think is attractive… whatever that may be.