Thankfully I have you guys to keep an eye on me – I won’t have to resort to this method.Sweat running down the insides of my elbows and my stomach churning, I stared down my lunch. Watching me you’d have thought I was afraid that fish was going to seek vengeance on me for its shortened life by jumping off the plate and biting my nose. Or perhaps breaking out in that oddly compelling “gimme that filet-o-fish” McDonald’s jingle. (I think I’d prefer my nose being bitten off.) But it wasn’t the food itself I was afraid of. It was the fact I was going to eat it completely sans distractions. I thought eating in front of people was the hardest thing for me to do. It turns out I was wrong: eating alone with nothing else to focus on is way, way worse. I blame you.
You guys surprised me. I’ll admit it. A couple of weeks ago when I published my post “I Hate Food” outlining all my disordered thoughts surrounding food, I was scared. I was scared to admit how very disturbed my thinking had become. I thought for sure that I would get some mean comments telling me to get over myself and my first-world worries or to grow up already and be an adult or, simply, to just quit whining so much. Nothing like a good Internet freak out to bring on the trolls! But my fear was overruled by my need for help. 130+ comments later that is exactly what I got. Tons of help. And not one single negative or mean comment. This may have set some kind of Internet record. I was overwhelmed by your outpouring of love, support and really great suggestions.
Which is how I found myself staring down my food as if it were wearing blue and I gray and we were stuck in Paris together with nothing but our forbidden love to stave off the advancing armies. There were several themes that many of you included in your comments and one of them was to respect my food, to pay attention to it or treat it as a source of life-giving fuel (which it is) rather than a source of severe anxiety (which it also is but I wish it weren’t). One particular comment by Rachel stuck out to me. Essentially she said that when she eats, all she does is eat. She doesn’t read or work or watch TV. She just sits down with her plate of food and eats it. Then when she’s done eating, she puts her dishes in the sink and moves on to thinking about other things. How awesomely normal does that sound? I can’t imagine eating that way.
My meals generally start out with a growling stomach. I know that this means hunger but I don’t want to be hungry so I try to stave off the feeling by distracting myself. That doesn’t work for very long. Still in denial about being hungry, I grab a few bites of something easy – generally some nuts or a piece of fruit. That’ll hold me off for an hour or two. But then I’m realllly hungry. Except I feel guilty about feeling hungry (and yes I realize that makes as much sense as feeling guilty for needing to pee). So I finally decide I need to eat some real food. But what? Just choosing what to eat feels like walking through a minefield. I can find something wrong with anything. So then I grab a couple handfuls of jelly beans. I know they’re terrible for me but I’m starving and I’m feeling deprived and the sugar is like a drug. And then I feel 100 times more guilty. Generally at this point I’ll make myself something – of course it can’t be the healthy meal I cooked for the rest of the family – but taste it so much while I’m making it (because I’m still starving, see) that by the time the meal is ready I think I’ve already eaten the equivalent of a meal and so I end up just putting it away without sitting down to eat any of it. Of course I have no idea how much I really ate and this makes me feel both deprived and overly full thereby setting me up for the next go-round in a couple of hours. I fill the time in between meals feeling guilty about what I just ate and worrying about what I will eat next. If I do sit down to eat anything I’m always reading a book, at the computer or talking to my kids or on the phone (my apologies to all of my friends who’ve had to listen to me chew.) Repeat that cycle for the rest of the day.
It’s messed up. Clearly Rachel’s method of eating is much better.
The first time I tried to Eat Like Rachel, I learned something about myself: I get really really freaked out eating undistracted. Because I don’t like to admit that I’m eating. If I’m reading or answering e-mail my mind can pretend that I’m not really ingesting all those calories.
I wasn’t sure I could actually do this conscious eating business until I tried out another one of your suggestions. Ann wrote in her comment about her similarly extreme food personality and said she had found solace in “The No S Diet.” It turns out that this isn’t really a diet in the sense that you are instructed what to eat and how much but rather a method of eating similar to Rachel’s. The entire diet is this: “No snacks, no sugar, no seconds… except sometimes on days that start with S.” Basically you put your entire meal on your plate, take it to the table and eat it. You decide the number of meals that is right for you – although they suggest 3 – and in between you don’t snack. (I know many people swear by the 5 or 6 mini meals a day concept and I’m not knocking that approach but the research has some interesting things to say about snacking.) This way of eating was remarkably liberating. There was no guess work as to how much or what I had eaten – it was all right there in front of me – and because I made sure to eat healthy well-balanced meals with plenty of calories, I wasn’t hungry!
It all sounds so stupidly simple when I type it out but it was kind of a revelation to me that I deserve to eat a whole meal and that I don’t have to feel guilty about it. In fact, I feel better when I do it. Not to mention it frees up a ton of time. Unfortunately I had to make a little compromise and allow myself to read during breakfast and lunch as the anxiety of just eating was overwhelming. Still, it feels like progress.
Another suggestion from many of you was to get a hobby. I have many many hobbies that don’t get nearly enough attention and so I used this as an excuse to redecorate and organize my bedroom. I also practiced the piano, crocheted, played with my kids and changed out all the clothes from winter to summer. This tip definitely helped keep me from obsessing over what I just ate.
A third suggestion that kept popping up from you guys was to do something for someone else. This was probably my favorite one to do and once I started looking around, I found lots of opportunities to be of service. It felt great!
A fourth suggestion involved reading – my favorite pastime ever! – with Geneen Roth’s books high on the list. I requested all of her books and the others you suggested from the library (although KatieO suggests I just buy her latest Women, Food and God because it’s that good.) Expect my book report shortly.
The last and most popular suggestion from you was to go back to therapy. A few of you suggested I go back to eating disorder therapy but most of you just told me to get over the loss of my old beloved therapist and find a new one. Some of you suggested particular types of therapy to try out. You all are, of course, right. As helpful and wonderful as you all are, it is unfair of me to use you as my primary source of therapy. I did not begin the daunting task of finding a new therapist this week. But I will. I know I need to. Every major resurgence of my disordered eating has come after the birth of one of my kids. I’d be a fool to not recognize the pattern.
By way of explanation, the day that I posted that post I got my period. First one since the birth of the Jelly Bean. That may be TMI but I think the hormonal carnival of that time of the month played a significant part in my level of hysteria (and the bloating didn’t help either). It’s so funny to me that I’ve been dealing with this every month for almost 15 years now and it still surprises me every month.
I want to thank each one of you who took the time to reach out to me on that post. Every single comment, whether it was a suggestion or a “me too!” or a show of support – means so much to me and I’m deeply grateful for your concern and love. Thanks for loving me even when I’m a mess. Especially when I’m a mess. And know this: I love you guys right back!
So – anyone else have a hard time eating without distractions? Anyone else try the “No S diet”? How do you feel about snacking vs. 3 squares a day?
I understand your sentiment. Why is really that when you want to focus on something and stick to your goal all the distractions will have their way to come to you. I know you'll do just fine. By the way, this personal safety devices for women like us might interest you. Thanks and more power!
yay. youre working and Im first. That said Im not certain Ill be the best!comment!oftheday so dont get yer hopes up 🙂
I LOVE women food and G-d and cant wait to hear your reaction.
and in all other food-arenas I seem to do everything … Id say wrong but lets just say NO LIKE THE PROS.
I eat 6-7 times a day and typically always with distraction.
tv computer magazines books ANYTHING.
and this weekend? I noticed my child plopped at the table with her snack and grabbed a mazazink (love how she says that :)) when she ate as well.
I know prevailing wisdom says this is "bad" and truly was thinking this morning about whether I should start to try and break her of this habit—or let it be as it works for me (ooh rhyme. I johnny cochran).
when we eat as a family there is no tv/music etc. (she adds in a vain attempt to show its not all a mess up in herre) but minimeals and snacks there typically is.
Charlotte, I think a lot of people have "disordered" eating in one way or another, so how can any of us judge or point and laugh? The biggest thing is always to recognise an issue and ask for help IMO.
I can't wait until we eventually find a bigger place with a dining room space. At the moment, we eat on the couch, although in warmer weather we can eat outside. I *like* eating at a table, without distractions. I *like* just enjoying my food. But I don't do it enough. I multitask, I watch tv, or surf the web or shove my face and move on.
And I'm a big fan of snacking personally. If I know I'm allowed to eat a snack when I'm hungry, I'm not so stressed about a meal or what I eat. That said, I'm an eat on schedule kinda girl – lunch is at noon or so, and my belly knows it.
I love my snacks. If I stuck to three meals a day, I'd probably be scrawny as a bean pole. On the other hand, I might gain a hundred pounds because I'm so starving when mealtime gets here. I guess I'll never know, because snacking works for me. (Mind you, I'm talking about REAL food, not jelly beans!)
Great Post Charlotte! If asked two years ago, I would have said "snacking keeps you skinny". However, after living overseas for a couple years and seeing Japanese people eat 3 squares a day sans snacking, I rethought this snacking business (have you ever seen a fat Japanese person??). Additionally, I have found that I can forget about food when i am not eating every 2 hours. I like the freedom to eat something more fun at mealtime since I know I will not be snacking two hours later and needing to save my calories. Having said that…I have by no means mastered any of this. Just seeing progress like you!
We have already discussed that I want to be you when I grow up! Seriously – your sensibility amazes me. Food is just not an emotional issue for you (it seems). And I don't think your daughter could have a better example when it comes to health than you!
Yeah, I think the schedule is key. That's hard for me being at home with the kids and working from home. Food is ALwAYS there, always available. And eating outside? LOVE! Hopefully the weather will get nice enough I can do it soon!
Yes, you (like MizFit) are a great example of finding what works for you – I've long admired that about you! Perhaps I will come back to snacking but right now this feels *calmer* to me. Perhaps it's just a matter of less opportunities to eat = less opportunities to freak out.Â
\”Additionally, I have found that I can forget about food when i am not eating every 2 hours. I like the freedom to eat something more fun at mealtime since I know I will not be snacking two hours later and needing to save my calories. \” I feel exactly the same way ! Glad to know that this works for other people too!! Are you still in Japan or are you home now? You were/are due to have a baby soon, right? How are doing??
Oh, I want to be one of those people who never do anything while they eat. I just feel like my day is already short on hours so I may as well combine a few things when I can. And that usually involves eating. (Especially since I’m a painfully slow eater and would never get anything done if I just ate and nothing else.) For me, I think snacks are a way to get through the day. I get to work at 7 and leave at 6:30. If I only ate three meals a day I’d be cranky and have a headache between breakfast and lunch and then between lunch and my post-workout dinner at 8. (I know that’s ridiculously late to be eating. I’m trying to come to grips with that.) I guess it just depends on your lifestyle.
((hugs)) i'm on the opposite end of the spectrum: i never feel like i get to enjoy my food. it's hard for me to eat without distractions because i'm always multitasking. meals are usually eaten on the run soi totally snack all the time because it fits with my current student schedule. i found that over the summer when i worked a 9-5 i had to eat only 3 squares and i found myself stuffing myself silly during those meals (and being really uncomfortable) just to make sure i wasn't underfueling. so i think it comes down to comfort level. i think i just have a smaller stomach that can't handle huge volume at once so snacking works best for me
Neat idea with the No S Diet. Something to think about, for sure.
I also get anxious if I sit down and eat and do nothing else. It makes me feel awkward, like I SHOULD be doing something else. But the funny thing is that I probably am NOT more productive with my time when I DO eat while I'm doing other things!
Must. Slow. Down.
I just scaled back on my snacking between meals because it felt like it wasn't working for me. Being able to eat larger portions of food during mealtimes has helped me feel full and satisfied for longer than I expected. The No S Diet ideas sound like good ideas to try (especially the no seconds!).
By chance, I discovered there are a ton of therapy "workbooks" available through Amazon.com (just search for "therapy workbooks" under books). Our medical flex money got blown on my hip therapy, so there isn't anything leftover for a therapist. I am working my way through "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook", which is supposed to help "learn mindfulness, emotion regulation & distress tolerance". (Cognitive-Behavioral therapy never seemed to work well for me) It certainly doesn't replace therapy, but I figure something is better than nothing!
I loved the No S Diet site so much that I read everything and then bought the book. Sounds like how I grew up eating – 3 normal meals, no treat, no snacks (or you would spoil your dinner), no seconds (because with 7 kids there was never anything left). The book came last week but life has gotten in the way of me reading it and living it but hopefully soon.
Charlotte, I struggle not to do things while eating too (damn facebook!) However, you should know that eating at the table with family and friends counts as "mindful eating"– maybe that would be an easier place to start?
Hi! Im new, Just stumbled on your site recently, and am happy its here. That being said, I like snacking, as I am hypoglycemic and sometimes need a small dose of something to get me through. I try very hard to stick to fruits or veggies and a healthy protean/ fat for snacks (like a sliced apple and peanut butter YUM!) as the combo of fiber/ natural sugars/ and protean/fat keep my BSL up the longest. when it comes to meals, the no S diet works really well, with the added "trick" of using a salad plate rather than a dinner plate to keep portions smaller to make up for all that snacking.
Trust me I am not naturally the cognizant of my eating habits, but this method is how I am 40 lbs down from being severely obese. I takes time, and thought, to develop a good relationship with food, but just being aware of the issue is so much more than just a good step.
I tend to do most of my snacking in the afternoons. I often don't eat breakfast until 9 or 9:30am, and then I'm at work, so by noon I'm starving. I used to eat dinner promptly at 6pm while in college (my last class let out just before that, and everyone would go together), but these days we don't usually eat til 7:30 or 8pm. So between noon and 8…that's a lot of time. I usually have to have something. I want to "be good" and have something like apple slices and peanut butter, but it usually ends up being Baked Lays or whole wheat Goldfish.
I've heard from several different sources that sodas are a big issue. All the sugar in them makes you feel full, so you don't eat as much. But of course I WANT to eat and not waste away, so generally I try to limit my soda intake during meals. I'll eat half the meal and then drink some soda, etc. This isn't necessarily something that will help you–since you say that you actually DO get hungry–but I thought it might be worth mentioning.
Non-distracted eating is an interesting concept, and one that I could probably write a book about–all the psychological and social implications, etc. But I'll refrain, for everyone's sake. :p
I am just getting on board big time with mindful eating. A few weeks ago I bought Savor: MIndful Eating, Mindful Living by Thich Naht Hanh and Lillian Cheung. I am sort of taking on one of the seven practices of a mindful eater each week, building up to trying to do all seven. I think taking it slow is better. I don't always remember to eat mindfully, or want to, but I can see that it's making a difference, slowly but surely.
I know I already wrote the black beast comment back on your other post, but my therapist said, "What if you didn't have the food to obsess over? Your problem would still be there. The way to get over the food obsession is to work on the problem, not try to fix the food." I probably should have put that in quotes, because I can't remember it that specifically and didn't bring a tape recorder to that particular session, but that was the idea.
And I'm glad no one gave you a hard time last time – your food obsession is just a way for you to cope, not YOU. And everyone should be kind and understanding of that.
man your readers are wise.
#thatisall
I really love this post. I want to reread it over and over.
It hits me because I'm always always doing anything but focusing on the fact that I'm eating.
Having eating disordered pasts, I'm trying to STILL get back to "normal"…aren't we all?!
So, today I ate breakfast and just sat there. I felt weird. But it's done and in a few hours I'll do the same with lunch.
Maybe this is my new normal!?!
THanks. Liz in Seattle
Portion control is a big thing for me, especially since I"m often busy and don't have a lot of time to enjoy my meals. Sad I know, but it is what it is.
I make a point of not snacking while I prepare food (which is really hard…) and lay out my prtions and then I'm done. I can eat that with no guilt and then get on with my day. My hard part is the no snacking thing. Food is a bit of a mood medication for me, but I tray and keep to main meals. I have to have a good breakfast (mmm…oatmeal) as I"m up rather early and try to have a snack in the AM at coffee break to keep my lunch appetite to a non-crazy level. No evening snacking is tricky, but I try. Often I'm not hungry when I think I am – I'm thirsty. It's tricky…I find having healthy snacks around like dates or carrots are good when I'm just hungry and there's nothing I can do to ignore it. Then I don't turn to crap foods…well OK, not all the time 🙂
It's hard to learn to listen to what your body needs, but I'm slowly trying to learn to. I hope this will level out for you too.
I eat 3 meals plus 2 snacks. I've discovered that with how much I work out, I need to keep my blood sugar levels fairly even throughout the day. When I wasn't eating snacks, I would get dizzy and not feel good. I choose healthy snacks like apples, oranges, yogurt, etc.
I am definitely a snacker. I struggle with being hungry ALL. THE. TIME. (And I mean really hungry—belly rumbling, light-headed—not just bored and in want of something to munch.) I've assumed that it's my body's reaction to my feeding it less and working to maintain a ~145-pound weight loss. I've learned through trial and error that I'll be hungry again within 2 hours of eating whether I eat a small meal or a large meal, so I eat small meals and smaller snacks regularly throughout the day, averaging a total of ~1800 calories.
If snacking like this could be exacerbating the hunger, though, should I try eating bigger meals and cutting the snacks? Even if it works, I suspect I would be in for a few weeks of hell as my body adjusts. But it would be worth it if I could come out the other side with a "normal" appetite, not feeling like I'm constantly fighting against my body's desire for more, more, more food.
(Please let me add: I'm already following most of the standard advice for dealing with hunger. I get between 90–100 grams of protein per day on average, between 40–50 grams of fiber, and close to a gallon of water. I hit my RDAs, or come close, on most nutrients, and take a multi to make up the differences.)
I have been lurking on your site for months now, but your "hate food" post hit me so hard I had to reply. It summed up how I feel about food all the time. I lost about 70 pounds about 10 years ago and leveled out at a healthy weight for 8 years.
Then….baby happened. I gained about 40 – 50 lbs while pregnant and was able to lose about 30. My baby girl is 7 months old. Now I have 15 lbs that won't budge and it scares me! I worked so hard to lose weight years ago and now I feel like I can't get traction on any consistent eating or workout program. I LOVE my daughter and am constantly reminding myself that she was worth every pound (actually worth many more!) but I feel like I lost many years of hard work. I want to set a good example for my daughter, not one of food obsession or negative self-talk.
CONTINUED…(guess I had a lot to say!)
All that being said….I tried the No S Diet last week and really liked it. I work in an office with snacks all over the place. Telling myself to just eat a good sized meal and then not snacking was liberating. I used to religiously count calories, but I don't have the time for counting and my appetite has been enormous since breastfeeding. It's been hard to get used to going a longer time without food, but I know I can adjust. The sugar has been the hardest thing to cut. I allowed snacks/sweets back into my life while pregnant that I hadn't eaten in years. It's been a horrible habit to kick, but I know it's worth it.
Basically, I just wanted to say thank you for being so open and honest and sharing your struggles with us. You may use us as therapy, but I know I use your site as therapy as well. It's like a safe place I can come and know I'm not alone.
I feel you with the food always there – I'm working from home most days as well. It's too easy to graze.
Thx for the follow up Charlotte & lots of good advice & suggestions for you!
I still go by what works for me is what is right for me. Being a person that wants to eat all the time, the mini meal things has made my life wonderful! Not only does it fuel me all day long BUT if I am tempted, I know that a mini meal is just around the corner & I can certainly distract myself till then or have some water so… for me, mini meals rule. But we do have to find what works for us!
I find it IMPOSSIBLE right now to eat without a book, magazine, or the TV if I'm alone. I think it comes from my days in New York, when I'd eat alone and couldn't stand the pitying looks. (No one understood that I LIKED eating alone, just me and a good book!)
So I hear ya, loud and clear!
Yeah, and the hormones don't help, either.
I think this is the 1st comment I've made on your blog, but as someone who has been following the No S diet for some time, I can tell you that it truly makes sense. It has helped me to eat more consciously and enjoy my 3 meals/day. I also enjoy my weekends, and slowly over time I getting over my food obsession. It's a slow process, but so worth it.
Denise
I have to eat a snack in between breakfast and lunch because of my school schedule–breakfast is at 6:30am, lunch is at 1:10pm!! So, I think my snack is reasonable. Lunch is never huge, either.
As usual very eloquent and honest.
I'm a 3 meal plus 2 snack or a 5 mini-meal type of gal. The reason is if I get SO HUNGRY if I don't have a snack and then at my next meal I will almost over eat. Eating more than 3 x day helps me to keep my meals times more please b/c I'm not so hungry.
I'm a squares and snacks girl too, but this is also a reflection of all my decisions, which is to say I can't make them, I want it all. Sit down to eat without distractions? How is that even possible with four kids? I'm still waiting for the opportunity to take a poo alone.
Wow! good memory :). i am due in a couple weeks and we are back in the states now. Hurray! While I miss things about Japan, I do heart America.
Oooh you are so close to delivery!!! I'm so excited for you! Please keep me posted on when your baby is born and how everything goes for you! I hope you have a speedy & painless delivery…. as much as such a thing is possible;)
Charlotte Hilton Andersen
The Great Fitness Experiment Pilates: May's Great Fitness Experiment Plus Experiment Results
— @ WiseStamp Signature. Get it now
I'm still mulling about that post. I think I might finally have crystallized thoughts on it by the end of the week if the planets align properly. I'm glad you're finding things that work for you! Trying things is good – worst case they don't work and you move on.
I think what's so frustrating to me is I feel like I require too much food – more food volume than the average person, and if I make mistakes with what I eat on a daily basis, I get so hungry! I don't know how I used to get by on 1200-1500 per day while still keeping up about 5 hours of workouts in the gym per week. I know it annoys Zliten that I'm so obsessive over what I eat right now, but I just HATE HATE HATE being hungry, and I feel like a bottomless pit lately. Like for the last 5 months. My extreme nature wants to do something crazy like a 5 day cleanse to *punish* my body for being so ridici-hungry…and what's up with that? Must LOVE the body that carries me through my crazy workouts, not punish. Sigh.
Yeah, more soon. Getting worked up thinking about it. Some days, I'm a ray of sunshine and some days, I'm a raincloud. Heh.
Oh, and I'm a 3-4 snack 2 meal person (breakfast snack, lunch meal, afternoon snack, post workout snack if dinner isn't right away, dinner, then something before bed). I have the same issues as you – I could have written that snacking scenario except instead of not eating the meal, I'll freak out and require that it's something super healthy that I can stuff my face with so I can finally feel satiated. Sigh. 🙂
I have no fear of eating. My fear is eating too much, not being able to stop. What helped me get over this was eating 5-6 times a day. If I wanted a sandwich for lunch and felt satisfied with just half, I put the other half away and would eat it later, around 3-4, when I am very hungry. Knowing that I wasn't snacking, but eating allowed calories, really helped my head stay in the game.
Love the picture. Someone specific came to mind. 🙂
*applauding for you*
seriously, lady, this is so encouraging.
i'm so glad that you didn't get any nasty comments–
that has to be a record for the interwebs!
i'm still working on being okay with eating in front of other people.
true or not,
my ED tries to make me believe that people are judging me by what's going into my mouth–it's foolish, and i know it.
because i have low blood sugar,
i have a big high-protein/good fat/complex carb breakfast,
snacks of fruit or veggies,
a balanced lunch (usually a sandwich or soup),
snacks of fruit or veg if i need it,
and a small dinner.
it works pretty well for me,
's long as i don't succumb to the siren call of sugar for snacks!
The \”siren call of sugar snacks\” – SO TRUE. And I'm so glad that you are improving too!
Charlotte Hilton Andersen
The Great Fitness Experiment Pilates: May's Great Fitness Experiment Plus Experiment Results
— @ WiseStamp Signature. Get it now
Sometimes I think you and I share a brain! I swear everything you just wrote, I could write. So I'm going to echo you now \”Must LOVE the body that carries me through my crazy workouts, not punish. SIGH.\” Amen, sister.
Charlotte Hilton Andersen
The Great Fitness Experiment Pilates: May's Great Fitness Experiment Plus Experiment Results
— @ WiseStamp Signature. Get it now
Eating smaller portions will also teach your stomach to expect smaller volumes of food, which makes it easy for you to maintain your weight loss once you have achieved your target weight.
"My meals generally start out with a growling stomach. I know that this means hunger but I don't want to be hungry so I try to stave off the feeling by distracting myself… …Of course I have no idea how much I really ate and this makes me feel both deprived and overly full thereby setting me up for the next go-round in a couple of hours. I fill the time in between meals feeling guilty about what I just ate and worrying about what I will eat next. If I do sit down to eat anything I'm always reading a book, at the computer or talking to my kids or on the phone (my apologies to all of my friends who've had to listen to me chew.) Repeat that cycle for the rest of the day."
That, that quote right there is EXACTLY how I feel and what I go through every day. I can never explain it to anyone, because rationally it doesn't make any sense. I was shocked when I stummbled upon your blogs and enjoy them very much, but this here is as if you took the words right out of my own mouth. Thank you. I know Im not alone.
And thank YOU for this comment:) It is so so nice to know I'm not the only one with crazy food issues. You're not alone!