*Trigger warning for discussion of eating disorders*
“I am so grateful that I love my body exactly the way it is, today, without wanting to change it in any way.”
“My bra always fits fine in the morning, but by the afternoon my boobs are popping out of it. It’s like they swell or something. wtf… it’s annoying.”
“I play the lotto in hopes of winning so I can afford a whole body tuck, lipo, lift, snip etc. Basically I want a whole body transplant.”
“Sometimes when I see a woman fatter than me, I’m glad she’s making me look better.”
What would women say about their bodies if you gave them a platform and promised them complete anonymity? That’s the question that Diana Spechler, author of the new novel Skinny: A Novel (P.S.)
1. I devoured her book. She sent it to me (free, FTC!) on a Friday and I was done by Saturday.
2. I’m not a fan of anonymous body confessions.
Let’s start with the first one – her novel, Skinny, is loosely based around her experiences working at a “fat camp” one summer. The main character, a slightly neurotic, depressed and chronic-dieting woman named Gray (whom I related to way more than I wanted to) goes to work as a counselor at a fat camp in order to help overcome her binge eating disorder and to settle a deep family secret (I won’t spoil it for you by telling you what it is!). I could not put it down. Spechler’s commentary on how women and teen girls think about their bodies was poignant and piercingly true. But the part that most fascinated me was how through the entire book you never really know what size Gray is. Gray alternates between calling herself “huge, fat, disgusting” and a “skinny goddess with jutting hipbones”… all within the space of ten minutes in a bar restroom. Admit it, you’ve been there. I know I have.
This ambiguity about what Gray’s actual weight is makes the point of the book even more telling: it doesn’t matter what we weigh because “skinny” is a frame of mind, not a number. When she is “skinny” Gray has the confidence to seduce the super-hot personal trainer and wear a bikini. When she’s “fat” she slumps alone in a greasy Chinese food buffet shoveling plateful after plateful of unappetizing food into her mouth. How many times have I let how I feel about my weight dictate how I feel about myself and consequently what I have the confidence to do? TOO MANY.
The book ends on a poignant note and I’m going to warn you now: it’s no Happily Ever After. It’s not even a Satisfactorily Ever After. But it is good. And it felt real. (I also feel compelled to warn you, if you haven’t caught it already, that this book discusses eating disordered behavior in great detail and could be very triggering.)
Now on to the site. Bodyconfessions.com is based on a very simple premise: you anonymously type a confession about your body and then post it for others to read. If they like it, they can click a “been there!” button to show their support. In theory, it seems like this could be a good idea – women could “confess” any number of good, bad or funny things about themselves – but the reality is the majority of the comments (some of which I highlighted above) are very painful to read. I found it sad that this poignant comment was the #1 rated confession on the site: “I hate everything about my body and often feel guilty because I think I should be thankful I even have a body that functions the way it should. I have no missing limbs, no diseases, no ACTUAL faults. I’m tired and exhausted of hating my blessed body!” On one hand: Been there! On the other hand: Don’t make me go back there!!
In addition, there are a LOT of eating disordered comments on there – I found it super triggering so if you are feeling at all fragile, skip it. Out of the top 10 confessions, 9 are negative – 5 of which are specifically about eating disorders – one actually says “I admire the willpower of anorexics.” I shuddered just typing that. For the record, anorexics are not operating with iron-clad willpower, they are imprisoned by iron-clad fear! The other thing that this mentality misses is that while you may envy the anorectic her body, you certainly don’t envy her emotional state – no one is happy in the throes of an eating disorder. And the one comment that isn’t negative isn’t exactly positive either, complaining about the differences in sizing labels in women’s clothing. (Which, yeah: Been there!)
Suffice it to say, I did not feel better about myself after having read them. Especially since as you guys well know, I already struggle with my body image and comparing myself to other people. Having just blogged about the issues surrounding my own body insecurity confession I’m even more aware now of how this negatively impacts me and those around me.
I took my concerns about the site right to the source and Ms. Spechler was more than accommodating in answering my questions. She brings up some very astute insights into how our society operates:
Charlotte: You mention that writing about body issues helped you resolve your own – how do you feel about yourself now? Do you ever post confessions to your site?
You know…totally not the point of the post, but the girl on the right looks way better. Like she could go to a spin class without breaking her knees. I would much rather look like her (which is probably good/more realistic given my body type).
This post is totally on topic- a couple of days ago, a bunch of my female law friends were discussing how we were afraid to get “huge” when we start working- you work 12-15hr days, the firm orders in dinner every night ,etc.
I’m planning on hiring a trainer (since I have no family, and thus no other real purpose for my salary other than rent…), but one woman said the following “Well, if I get fat I’m making sure you all get fat with me”. She is borderline anorexic (not being judgemental, but I actually worry about her), and all of our mouths dropped, because she then said she planned to lose 20 lbs to give herself a “fat cushion”. I’m guessing she plans to cut off a limb, because I know for a fact she’s a 00 currently.
We all give the excuse that we won’t be able to replace our wardrobes (Theory is pricey…), but, to be honest, I think we all just don’t want to get bigger. We all struggled in 2nd year particularly (I gained, then lost, 30 lbs in an 8 months span), and I think we’re all just afraid.
I think it’s interesting how it seems like whenever you have a close group of women like your law friends how the talk very often goes to weight/size/body issues. Scary about your friend’s “fat cushion” – how close are you guys? Could you say something to her?
I would say something, but I’m afraid of making it worse….and I know others that are closer to her, and they have said that they don’t feel comfortable saying anything, so, is it really my place to be that person if others who are closer to her won’t say anything? And maybe she already knows something is wrong, but doesn’t feel like she can share it with us- we work really hard to “keep it together”, and we’re all super type-A, so admitting such a “flaw” (as I’m sure she would see it) could be really hard. I also wonder whether her husband has said anything…
If her 00 pants start falling off her meagre hips, it will certainly get to the point where we all have to say something.
I wonder about how much women could accomplish if they just devoted their weight/body thought towards something productive (would we have better grades? We all have very good grades, and were hired for jobs ~1 yr in advance along with other top students…and we really couldn’t have done any better, but…maybe we could have run for Parliament on the side instead of being obsessive?)
Wow. I just went to that site. I can’t even believe the negativity. I’ve never really considered myself overly confident, but I can say that I have never had about 90% of those thoughts and that saddens me more than I can say. Like I said, I am nor have I ever been over-confident, I’ve had my fair share of food “issues” (I don’t think you can be a woman in her 30s and say you haven’t), but those thoughts are well beyond what I would have thought normal.
Now I am wondering what “normal” thoughts are? Or what they should be?
I love books like these too, but I am wondering if I should read it after seeing the website. I’m torn. On the one hand, if it helps to get that thought out of your head, great, do it! But, it doesn’t seem like that is what is going on. I don’t imagine anyone going to that website, reading it, confessing something of their own, and leaving feeling better. I left it feeling sad.
“Now I am wondering what “normal” thoughts are? Or what they should be?” Very interesting questions! I always figured my thoughts are “not normal” 😉
I think the issue is the difference, in this case, between normal and healthy. “Now I am wondering what ‘normal’ thoughts are?” For a woman of just about any age or size in our culture to be pre-occupied with body image and eating issues is, sadly, “normal.” In fact, I have only met a handful of women in my life that seemed oblivious to it. “Or what they should be?” Here’s the problem. I don’t see how the norm can possibly be healthy for us.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about my life before bodybuilding recently with my show being…TOMORROW…! My thinking has mostly been reflections about myself in the past and who I was before I discovered my passion for the bodybuilder lifestyle – I broke down in tears numerous times yesterday about how I could not believe what I had accomplished (regardless of how well I do).
I wrote a post on my thoughts/feelings earlier this week (http://heyjoob.com/2011/04/12/724/) and the response I got was overwhelming. So many girls commented and emailed me about negative self images they have overcome. Their response, in conjunction with your post here and that website (which I agree w/ you about not liking), has deeply saddened me about the state of women and how so many feel so terrible and trapped in their bodies.
Aieee! I’m so excited to hear all about your contest – best of luck! You’re super prepared so I know you’ll do great:) And I loved the post on your site – you said it very well!
I don’t see the point in wallowing in confessions, either my own or other people’s. I definitely believe in the power of positive thinking. And…I think the girl on the right looks way better than the toothpick girl on the left.
Another very thoughtful post–I had my first exposure to what I would called mean girls at a dinner party recently and I am just so shocked at how women can tear each other down. Which is to say that I think by affirming that we can relate to each other’s weight/skinny struggles, on the site you describe, we are perhaps continuing the conversation and making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Good point about the site just continuing discussions women are already having. I think though that in real life you do self-censor a bit for the others and on this site there is nothing holding you back
I have posted a confession or two of my own on there. When I see that someone clicks been there done that, it makes me feel a bit better, less alone.
I have the book Skinny marked to download to the Kindle for a few weeks now. Wondering if i should even read it. Have your read Portia deRossi’s book? while i devoured it in no time, it too has its trigger points.
No I haven’t yet but I’m dying to read it! Thanks for the reminder! I found her show on Ellen to be very powerful.
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Interesting post. For one – I love the picture – the “plus-size” model looks way better in clothes – you know like a woman should! For two, I’m really interested in reading this book, so thanks for the review. I know I have body confession times with my girls because sometimes it helps me to get it out in the open. Keeping that that bottled up sometimes causes me more harm than good. And when you talk to your friends and they have felt the same way, I don’t feel so alone.
So true – sometimes all we need is to know we’re not alone in our crazy, whatever that crazy may be!
I think I really have to refrain from checking out the site, however I don’t think the concept is a bad idea.
I try not to “confess” to anyone, I’m a big fan of journaling. I think it’s so healthy for people to be able to write down what they feel or think at that time and know there will be no feelings of regret for spilling it, since no one will read it!
I love journalling too! It’s such a good outlet.
I have to applaud this post for addressing the glamorizing of anorexia in the media. It’s really good to hear that it’s not about control, because that’s what we end up being told, and then those of us who do / have binged in the past get twisted up thoughts about “wow, I can’t even do an eating disorder right.” It’s tied into how fat-stigma is portrayed in American culture — thin people are people who can control themselves. Fat people are people who can’t. This then gets translated into relationships, job opportunities (who wants to hire a manager not in control of herself?), etc… it’s insidious.
It is insidious indeed. And while I can’t speak for every girl’s experience, for me I was definitely controlled by my eating disorder and not the other way around. The other thing about anorexics that people don’t talk about much is that many of them DO binge. After a long period of restricting it’s almost impossible not to binge eventually. So many anorexics in my support groups thought they were alone with the binging issues but I think it’s way more common than people think.
On the one hand — I think its great to show women that they are not alone, that they are not the only ones who have body image issues. Sometimes I honestly feel as though I am, because we all walk around trying to cover it up all the time. On the other hand – I think it’s very damaging to wallow in a place of such negativity. I’m torn!
What a depressing website. I don’t know if this is necessarily a good thing. Is it a good thing to bond over all this negativity? I understand that it makes women feel less alone but it also seems like it could make a justification for your feelings. It saddens me how body-focused our society is. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely fall culprit to a negative way of thinking as well but I’m learning to push these negative thoughts aside and focus on the positive things I like about myself.
Perhaps it has something to do with the word “confessions” – maybe people would post more positive thoughts if it had a more body-positive title?
Have you ever heard of or read anything by Brene Brown? I recently discovered her and her fantastic blog. She basically has spent years studying shame. http://www.ordinarycourage.com/
I haven’t but I’m going to check her out right now! Thanks for the rec!
Is the “plus size” girl actually a size 14-16+? I’m a 14 right now, and I do NOT look like that at all! Because looking at her, I’d guess she’s an 8 or 10. Which is average and normal! I’d guess her stats would be on the higher end of acceptable or just barely over the line into overweight/too big. That brings up my issue with the media in that we never see average, normal people. They are either clearly overweight/obese or obviously very thin or very athletic (nothing wrong with either of those – just not realistic for most of the population). So while I’m happy we see someone who looks normal – I’m not thrilled she’s labeled plus size! (Although I realize in the modeling industry, she probably is. Just not for the rest of the population.) Sorry for the rant. . . .
Anyway. . . . the book sounds like a good read. I will have to check it out.
Also, did you ever watch the show on ABC Family called Huge? About kids at a fat camp? It was on last summer. It was fairly interesting – and even though I’m well past high school, I could totally relate to so much of it!!
Ditto.
Good point. It reminds me of the plus-sized contestants that have been on America’s Next Top Model. Sure, they look big compared to the twigs that are normally on that show, but they are not, by any means, real plus-sized women. I guess that’s just the modeling industry.
Before I stopped watch ANTM, it seemed to me like the “plus-sized” girls just had boobs. They were still thin.
I totally agree about the labelling of models! The “plus sized” model is Crystal Renn, probably the most famous in that category and she is a size 4-6 according to her modelling agency. Plus-size, yeah right. I was also irked that they labeled the other model “minus sized” though – what does that even mean? That she takes up negative space??
If a site like this helps people, I’m all for it. I think maybe I could take it in small doses, but I’m a little afraid of getting sucked in and not being able to tear myself away.
I think the thing that is missing is follow up. ‘Getting it all out’ and confessing are wonderful actions. I know for me, they do help me to feel less alone. But if all you do is that, there is no means for improvement. It’s just words hanging in space. So while I have actually taken the time to identify my character defects, and share them with someone else, I’m also taking the time to see what I can do to be a better person and feel better about myself. Awareness, acceptance, action. You can be aware of the problem, but if that’s it, it’s a shitty space to be in long term.
I love this comment! Great point: “But if all you do is that, there is no means for improvement. It’s just words hanging in space.” That’s the difference, I think, in confessing to a friend in person rather than posting anonymously on a site.
That site is a buzz in the eating disorder world — I think Ashley from Nourishing the Soul did a poll as a result of the banter on facebook — but anyways, I’m not exactly for it…I feel that it could quickly turn from confessions to self loathing – it actually reminds me of pro-anorexia sites… particularly those that claim to NOT be such. The sites are connecting people through negative things – causing people to form bonds based on those things, which I think is dangerous… I think it causes you to think about it more and focus on it… and dwell on it.
I read Ashley’s blog – I must have missed that one somehow! And this: “The sites are connecting people through negative things – causing people to form bonds based on those things, which I think is dangerous” is exactly it. Thank you.
It took me awhile, but I found it (in case you were wondering): http://www.nourishing-the-soul.com/2011/03/reader-poll-does-sharing-negative-body-thoughts-help-or-hurt/
Ooh thank you!! Off to read it.
First, I have to agree that the model on the right looks healthy and normal. My eyes were immediately drawn to her over the other one.
Secondly, I haven’t been to the site you suggested, by my first thought was that I wanted to go there and post all of the things I LOVE about my body. Seriously. I feel I need to help positivity flow; however, I’d probably be hated if the site is all about negative feelings. Sad, truly, and now I know I can’t and won’t go to that site.
I don’t know how I got past the body issues in the manner I did, but other than the occasional 5 minutes per month of telling myself I was “too fat” or “not cute enough”, I never felt bad about myself in any way. I was shy, but always confident in my looks and abilities. At my heaviest (228 lbs!), I was still happy and confident. Now that I’ve lost weight (currently 178 lbs), I’m the same person who just happens to stare at my awesome new calf muscle and biceps in the mirror a lot. Yep, I love myself…inside and out.
I wish I could wrap all of my body-hating friends in an envelope of warm, encouraging positivity. It makes me sad that so many people loathe their bodies because I never felt that way. Maybe it had something to do with shopping with my plus-sized mom at Lane Bryant as a child (for her) and not seeing these women as abnormal. Just people who happen to wear a size 18+.
You certainly can go post the positive stuff about your body! There isn’t any comment section so you couldn’t be “hated.” Might be good for the site too;)
Before I realized that one of those women was supposed to be “plus” sized, and the other “model” size, I thought wow, that woman on the right looks awesome.. and honestly thought the woman on the left was supposed to be a distorted image of her (like in a funfair mirror, you know).
I don’t want to visit that site… I think it would leave me too sad/angry.
No!
Wait. What was the question?
Oh. I used to feel better about confessions. I used to feel normalized. But that was before I realized that at best it was a wash. I realized that I may have the same issues as my friend/confidant but that I also picked up a new one. Not only was I not alone, it feels like I’m in a lobster pit being pulled down all the time.
Great interview. You rock.
Yes, there is always the risk of picking up a new insecurity that you hadn’t thought of before!
Oh. I just wanted to add that the model on the right is probably at least 6′ tall and is probably toting an obese BMI, although just barely. I am a 5’11” woman weighing enough to fit in a size 16 and I have an obese BMI. Whereas it takes most people 2-5 pounds to need a new size I need 20 pounds to get to a new size. It’s not fair because we spread out our fat a bit thinner on our bodies because we have so MUCH body.
Conversely, we don’t get to gain as much weight before we have obese slapped across our ample bottoms. If you were to see a pic of me and I told you I was obese, you would probably slap me. I almost got kicked out of Lane Bryant because they didn’t think I should be shopping there. For reals. But, it’s true.
Wow – so interesting about how height affects sizing and BMI! The model on the right is Crystal Renn, the most famous “plus size” model out there – you should go check out her site, she’s really inspirational! (Even if she is like a size 6 in real life)
I just stumbled on this Body Confession website yesterday and was horrified at all the pro-ana ‘confessions’. It doesn’t seem like what the creator intended. These are not confessions of the body these are obsessions of the mind concerning the body, with tips on how to be a good ‘ana’ thrown in for good measure.
Extremely disturbing and I’m glad others are starting to take notice.
Interesting question – Diana didn’t seem fazed by the type of confessions being posted but perhaps it has deviated from her original intention! And yes, I thought the site felt very pro-ana as well. Honestly I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
I can say that the pro-ana site I once moderated at (that’s a part of my past that I still have trouble dealing with) morphed from something quite similar to that. I also wonder how this will affect the posters later on — I know my contributions to the pro-ana world still haunt me.
TRIGGER WARNING: Some body snarking below (just to illustrate a point):
I read a really useful tip on a fat acceptance blog once (can’t remember which–could have been Kate Harding). Basically, if you are hating on your own and other’s bodies, find something to admire instead. This is easier (typically) with others than with oneself. So, for example, you see someone, and you think–“Wow, those pants are too tight, she looks FAT!” What you notice yourself going there, replace it with a true but kind thought, ie., “She looks great in that shade of red.” Practicing this leads one to be nicer to oneself, and to be able to replace those ugly thoughts with nicer and equally true ones (at least, it works for me).
So anyway, I think being critical of our bodies is not productive AT ALL. If shame and self-hatred could get us where we wanted to be, most of us would be there by now.
I love this idea!! I am totally going to try this from now on – break the cycle of negativity!
Apropos of nothing pertaining to this post, but to your new site: It is crazy slow and typing comments is uber-weird (yes, I KNOW my last few comments have been riddled with weird errors) in IE, but not Firefox. But, my computer DOES hate me, so maybe it’s just me.
Others have mentioned similar problems but it seems to go away with time – strangely. The more times you access the site the faster it gets is what people seem to be finding. Let me know if that doesn’t help you though.
I finally went to that site (I had read about it previously but opted not to go). I wanted to see if it was bad in practice as it sounded in theory. In my opinion, it is. I can see the merit in having a “been there” button, as it can help people feel less alone and more ‘normal’….but what if no one pushes that button on your confession? How much more depressed would that make you? And wallowing in your confessions, as several commenters have pointed out, is pretty pointless. Sometimes it may help you to feel better, but most of the time I think you’re better off replacing your negative thoughts with positive thoughts. Or, I don’t know, talk to a human being about them! If you aren’t being reasonable, a good friend/partner will tell you so. It seems to me that some people are simply unhappy with the fact that people keep telling them their thoughts are completely baseless and disconnected from reality (as I bet many of them are)…so they are turning to the Internet to validate them. It’s really sad. I can relate to a lot of their ‘confessions’, unfortunately, because I have thought them before. But I also know that they come from a crazy part in my brain that I want to stop in its tracks, not try and purge by putting it all out there on the net.
Yes:”But I also know that they come from a crazy part in my brain that I want to stop in its tracks, not try and purge by putting it all out there on the net.” Exactly.
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To me, it depends on my mindset when reading things like those confessions. If I’m feeling good about myself they don’t bother me. Unfortunately, I usually read those things when I am feeling not so good about myself. I have that horrible habit of looking up things about weight and such when I am feeling down on myself, and I have a feeling I would only really look at that site in the same mindset.
I have found that, personally, I have to stay away from reading negative things and I am just fine. So I will probably stay away from that site most of the time. But the book sounds like something I would like to read. (Funny how that works, isn’t it…)
I think I will stay far, far away from Body Confessions.
One of the issues about that photo spread in V is that BOTH women are MODELS, and in addition, the photos are virtually guaranteed to be photoshopped. Sure, the one on the left is brittle-thin and the one on the right is curvaceous, but NEITHER ONE represents an “attainable ideal” and BOTH of them are guaranteed to make an average woman feel bad about her body. Let’s face it, most overweight women look NOTHING like the model on the right. Whose fat is actually taught and firm like hers? With no visible dimpling, no extra folds or rolls, and a perfectly proportioned waist? Even many normal-weight women would let themselves become “overweight” (she’s actually about 25% body fat judging by her legs and arms) if it meant looking that good.
“Even many normal-weight women would let themselves become “overweight” (she’s actually about 25% body fat judging by her legs and arms) if it meant looking that good.” True story. Crystal Renn is gorgeous, hands down. I did a post on her a year ago where I came to basically the same conclusions as you. She may be “plus sized” (in big quotes) but she is genetically blessed making her just as unattainable as any model.
does plus sized in this model-on-the-rights case mean overweight? I’m confused? Do people think she is overweight or a healthy weight? Because I think she looks normal?
I hate plus sized as a term, it makes normal weight people seem they are somehow overweight.
I’m interested to know if people think she looks overweight? I think she looks normal… :S
I didn’t go and look at the sight, so this opinion comes sight-unseen, but I think it is an idea that is much more likely to lead to negativity than positivity. Whenever I make a positive comment about my body to others, it usually leads to people agreeing with me, congratulating me, and then saying something along the lines of “I wish I had ___”, “My ____ could never look that good” even from women who look amazing. Similarly, if I make a negative comment (which I try very hard not to do), everyone always jumps in with their negative feelings, and before you know it we have picked apart every flaw in our bodies and all feel bad. I don’t know why this happens, and I don’t know how to avoid it on a site like that. I think maybe if they had a section or a day dedicated to positive thoughts, that could be very powerful. Imagine if you went to a site that was full of women from all over the globe sharing what they loved about their body? That would make me happy. However, you would have to moderate it very closely to keep out the negativity.
I just checked out that site and totally agree with you. I liked your review about the book but aye, the website just seems pointless – oh other people feel bad things about their body too – yeah….but THEN what?
Just ordered Skinny from the library – thanks for letting us know about it!
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I agree with you on the body confessions. I looked at the site right before this post. I actually cried for the person who envies the anorexics self control. If only that woman could live for an hour inside my brain she would never again envy those of us on the restrictive side of eating disorders. I’m in an ok place right now but many of those things would have been triggering for me a year ago. I guess it is all in who you are and where you are in recovery as to how hearing what other people feel about their bodies affects you. There is a measure of comfort though in knowing I am not the only one who cringes at looking at my thighs. I’m not completely alone.
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