Worst idea ever (second only to flags as apparel, as you shall soon see): The night my roommates and I decided to sit in a big circle and tell each person what bugged us about them. It started with “she leaves her shoes in front of the door” and quickly progressed to “she poops pebbles like a deer and never flushes” (true story!) complete with screaming, door slamming and even hair pulling. “Constructive criticism” can be good but only in moderation (and never with someone who just sharpened their French manicure).
It turns out the Internet is a lot like a bunch of freshman girls caged in a tiny dirty apartment all winter. According to the Internet, I am “a terrible mother” , “mentally unbalanced”, “glamorizing eating disorders”, “stupid”, “in need of serious help”, and – my personal fave – “should have all her fingers cut off so she can never write again and then killed as slowly and painfully as possible you socialist liberal *$&%^.” That last one, bizarrely enough, was from a Huffington Post reader who took exception to a post I wrote in 2008 about the fake Sarah Palin bikini pictures circling the web at that time. People take their American flag bikinis very seriously. (As well they should – there is nothing funny about covering your stars with a spangled banner. Or your new glories with Old Glory. Or, oh my stars, did you see the stripes on that one?! Definitely not funny.)
While the vast majority of press, comments and feedback I get about this site, my book and my writing in general are very positive and encouraging, there is a certain amount that is negative. Some of it is really negative. First I want to give a HUGE thank you to every single one of you who have taken the time to write me and tell me how I’ve helped you, touched you or made you laugh or cry – I keep every single one of your e-mails/notes/comments and I re-read them on days I feel down. But I’d also like to thank those of you who have given me some negative criticism. I’m sincere in this; I’m glad when you guys have the guts to tell me the bad stuff along with the good, especially when it comes from a place of kindness and caring. I’ve learned a lot from you guys over the years – never be afraid to tell me how you think it really is. And if you can do so in a civil, un-profane way then I’ll be even more grateful.
Why am I talking about this now? And on here? Several things made me think I need to publicly address this and I’d like to address each point:
– A dear friend recently e-mailed me asking how I dealt with all my bad press. She read some hurtful comments about me on a website and said that she wanted to cry just reading them and she couldn’t imagine how I must feel.
– In an interview I’m doing for Journey Beyond Survival, the first question she asked me (and I’m parsing) was, “In your book you have all these realizations and lessons learned and then in the very next chapter you’re back to over-exercising and criticizing your body. What the heck?!” It’s a sentiment that several of you have echoed on here and that several reviewers on Amazon and other sites have shared.
– Simon recently commented on my Do You Need to Look Healthy to Work in a Health Store post, “Hey Charlotte, please stop with the absurdly positive responses to every comment, regardless of its content. It comes across as deeply insincere and gives people no idea of what you really believe.”
Question 1: How do I deal with criticism?
Answer: I’m not going to lie: it’s tough. There were a couple of Amazon reviews that made me cry. It’s especially tough since I put a lot of personal feelings into my book and this blog so when it gets rejected it can feel like I’m being rejected as there really is no line between the book/blog and myself. But this is what I’ve found helps:
5. I rarely read the comments for sites that I know are going to be mostly negative. (I always read every comment here though!) Too much criticism/negativity at one time is overwhelming and, frankly, depressing. For example, apparently my newspaper spread got some nasty comments on the Star-Tribune site so rather than get bogged down in it, I just chose not to read them.
6. If people are personally attacking me or just spewing vileness without any discernible point – remember the guy who e-mailed me to tell me that the world would be a better place if my ex-boyfriend had killed me when he had the chance? yeah – I don’t answer them. Flame wars are nasty business. Don’t feed the trolls.
Question 2: What is up with all the inconsistencies in the message in your book? Am I healthy or not?
Answer: A huge part of the confusion stems from my publisher’s last minute decision to rearrange the chapters to follow a traditional Jan – Dec format. I lived the Experiment and originally wrote the book starting in October 2007 and going through September 2008. So while it looks like I didn’t learn my Very Serious Lesson about over exercising in my Double Cardio Experiment (Feb, chapter 2) because I basically do the same thing in the Vegan Experiment (Nov, Chapter 11) the Vegan Experiment actually occurred before the Double Cardio epiphany. I’m not saying my publisher did the wrong thing but I want to be clear that the chapters are not in chronological order in the book. Basically I still look crazy no matter which way you shuffle the chapters but at least in the chronological order I do appear to learn from my mistakes. I am deeply sorry for the confusion. The other issue of course – and those of you who have been reading for a while already know this – is that I was not recovered by the end of my first year of Experiments. All the Experiments had broken me open, so to speak, so I could see I had a problem and I had just begun to take steps to remedy them but I was in no way “cured” by the end. And I tried to be honest about that. These days, while not perfect, I’m light-years better than I was then. You have to remember that was 4.5 years ago!
Question 3: What do I really believe?
Answer: Simon’s comment brought up a really good point (which he is probably going to hate me for saying because that’s exactly the type of thing he was complaining about but it’s true). Basically, I replied that 1) Since this blog is my platform I figure I get the 1,000-word post to make my argument and state my position so I assume that people know where I stand and 2) every reasonable appropriate comment deserves a reply in kind. However, just because I say I can understand someone’s point doesn’t mean I agree with them. I’m not trying to be cagey or insincere; I’m trying to let people know that they’re heard. Clearly from Simon’s comment that is not how it’s coming across though and I’m going to work on being clearer and less cheerleader-esque in my replies to you guys. You deserve to be respected, not patronized. If I’m ever unclear about what I believe or what my opinion is, I’m more than happy to elucidate! [Update: I’m not trying to throw Simon under the bus here – I wanted to single out his comment because if he said it, then I’m quite sure other people are thinking it which is why I wanted to answer it on the blog and not just to him individually.]
Everyone has to deal with criticism in their life whether it’s from a family member, a coworker, a lover or a friend (hopefully not all at the same time!). Those of you bloggers/writers also have to deal with criticism from strangers on the Internet. So learning how to take criticism is an essential life skill. I don’t think it’s easy for anyone – half the reason I wrote this post was to convince myself, frankly – but I do think we can learn to be better at it and even use criticism to our advantage. Help me figure this out – I need all the help I can get!
I would really appreciate it if you could tell me about a time you were criticized and how you handled it and how it worked out! And, now I have to ask: have any of you girded your loins with a flag?
You know what? you are a talented writer. I hope you face your detractors if you want to learn. Your critics are your strength and everything that they pull at you will be your learning experiencing. I hope you try to just give yourself some time to read your comments. It would be great to do that. Trust me!
Haters are everywhere, at least you can rest assured that for every negative comment there are 50 of us who love what you do! I’m all for constructive criticism, but take your bad mood somewhere else. If you don’t like reading, then stop!
My typical way of handling mean criticism is tears. Productive? No. I really need to work on that one.
Oh I do my fair share of tears too:)
I’m really happy you wrote this post. I really enjoyed hearing your answer to question 2 as I had been wondering some of the same things.
Criticism is hard but, honestly, I think you handle it very well. I’ve seen some critical comments on your blog and I think you respond very fairly and graciously. I have to say I disagree with Simon. In fact, I look to you as a role model when it comes to dealing with critical comments. The few comments I have had that were critical I’ve thought about how you respond to comments and decided to try and be as gracious and open to hear their side. It’s respectful to hear people out and you’re right it doesn’t mean you agree with them.
If someone is being downright mean I say forget them. Seriously. There are so many wonderful fish in the sea I’m not giving the sharks my time.
Thanks Jenn! I love your approach: being gracious and open.
Gotta say I love that you respond to your comments and haven’t found them to be “absurdly positive” but to each his own.
A time I’ve dealt with criticism:
I spent a year as an exchange student in Denmark in high school. It was through an organization where you’re only supposed to have one family for the whole year. About a month after I arrived, I was told by some of the organization leaders that my host family had decided I wasn’t a good fit, read: they were kicking me out. I cried a lot, and had to stay living there for 2 awful weeks before they found another temporary place for me to live.
A month after that I was finally adopted by a second family. I liked this family much more; they lived in a town instead of in the middle of nowhere, they had 3 boys instead of 1 girl (seems it’s easier for me to get along with a given boy than a given girl, especially when she’s my age, which my first host sister was), and were very active in the community. Whereas the other family had mostly wanted me to come so their daughter could become more proficient in English, this family wanted me to learn Danish and I was not allowed to speak English in the house and so learned very fast. I thought all was cool, until probably 6 weeks after moving in. My host mom, who was definitely the head of the household, sat me down and said that I was spending too much time in my room and not getting to know her family enough, and that they were offended and thought I didn’t like them.
Oof, this was hard to hear, but it was the exact same reason the first family had kicked me out. I thought that we just had clashing personalities (true, but not the whole story) and that everything would be great with my new family, but when I heard it a second time, I knew it really was an issue.
I cried about it for a few days (I cried a lot at night for the first few months there since I was quite homesick, so I should say I cried more) but started to make an effort. I still did the same things as before, like read and do my homework and all that, but I did it in the living room where I was available to everyone should they have an activity I could participate in. It took a little while, but soon I developed relationships with everyone in the family, including the youngest son, who was 9 at the time. He would hardly look at me at first, but we developed the silliest tickle-fighting relationship. (Now he’s 17 and on exchange in Brasil, following in the footsteps of his two older brothers who each also spent a year there, and the whole family is coming to my wedding in August…happysob!)
It was definitely a tough period, and first being kicked out, then having my host mom look me in the eyes and tell me I wasn’t doing the right thing sucked. But it was with the best of intentions and it was what I needed to hear, and my year was so much better because of it.
I was an exchange student too ! For a year that was supposed to be with the oen family. I went to the US. I also got booted from my first family, because I wanted a life and didn’t want to study 24/7. Their daughers were over-achievers who finished high school a year early. There’s nothing wrong with that but it wasn’t why I was an exchange student 🙂 I found out later that they’d been talked into having a student – they didn’t really want one. Very awkward ! I still keep in contact with my (second) host family . I found the things that caused problems were the language barrier , we’re all supposed to speak English but there are some differences which made for some interesting mis-communications. 🙂
Hah! How funny. The girl in this family as also definitely an over-achiever, top of her class in a private school, etc. She was also by far the youngest of her siblings and the only girl, so what she said went! And yeah, there would just be strange miscommunications, like one time I brought my blanket from my bed downstairs to get cozy while we watched television at night and they were like, “NO! We do not do that here!” VERY sternly. Which sucked and made me cry too. I wondered if this was like A Danish Thing, but then I asked my second host mom about it and said no, not at all, and all of the kids brought their blankets to the living room on a regular basis…sigh…
So interesting reading both of your experiences! I did a study abroad but we didn’t live with host families, just really nasty dorms. It sounds like you both handled the criticism really well. I LOVE how your story ended Paige! I’m sure your wedding will be beautiful on so many levels!
Canadians don’t really do the flag thing. We like our country and all…it’s just not something we do. We’re actually sort of apathetic when it comes to many things- it’s a frequent comment that Canadians only riot about hockey, and it’s a little true. In fact, I don’t even like to wear red, so every year at Canada Day, I have to go buy something red (which ends up getting donated to Goodwill or whatnot come the fall wardrobe purge). I really love Canada and would never live elsewhere, I’m just not super vocal about it. Maybe it’s because Canada really has a regionalist foundation to it (much more so than the US from what I’ve been taught) so we don’t really have the ‘United Under One Flag’ feeling because we’re just not based on that. So, I don’t have feelings regarding my flag at all- it looks nice and such, but….that’s pretty much it.
Criticism- how I handle it depends on what the criticism is about. Body criticism is never well received by me. Ever. Doesn’t matter who it comes from. There is no way to do it right when it comes to me. I should probably work on that.
I take criticism of my work (mostly written, sometimes oral) quite well though- really, I try to avoid taking complete ownership of my work (or perhaps it’s better to say that I avoid being possessive of my work), and instead realize that I’m writing for a partner, or a judge, and I need to give them what they want, so I’m not hurt when they edit so hard that my paper bleeds. I don’t get upset, I walk away and fix it, no big deal.
Personality criticism/Behaviour criticism- depends a lot on the source. If I don’t know the person well, I take it a lot with a huge grain of salt. If I do know them well, I usually take it to heart and really think about it, and whether it’s an issue that I can deal with/should deal with.
I’d also like to disagree with Simon. I’ve been a long time reader, and I don’t think that you’re patronizing in the least when you respond to comments. It makes me feel a lot more comfortable commenting knowing that my responses will generally be accepted, even if not agreed with. I don’t know, I guess I can see his point, I just don’t agree with him.
Good point differentiating the different types of criticism! I’m the same way with you about body criticism and I love how you handle criticism in your job. You always have everything so figured out! Adopt me?? 😉
I was planning on running the Paris Half Marathon with the Aussie flag- but we aren’t terribly good at that patriotism thing here in Australia- so I left it at home- but when I was tired I did picture that it was flapping behind me like a cape!
I haven’t had too many haters. I did have the guy who publicly accused me of having gastric bypass surgery because of my abdominal scars and rapid weight loss. First I showed him the posts where I wrote about my past abdominal surgery and assured him I never had gastric bypass. He came back with some snarky remark so I posted a photo of someone who did have gastric bypass and pointed out how different their scarring was from mine. He game back and said something stupid again. When I realized that he was just interested being antagonistic, I challenged him to a steel cage death match. And I won.
Seriously though, arguing rarely works, but I’ve found that being painfully sweet and nice can REALLY annoy a hater. The cool part is that if they continue to pester you in public after you’ve given grossly polite responses, they just make themselves look more and more idiotic. I think that was Dr. Covey’s definition of Win-Win.
Oooh I forgot about the steel cage match option! Doh. That’s crazy that someone would get so worked up over your scars!
(I’m not the same Sara as above – I’m Canadian, not Australian.) 🙂 Bless you, Charlotte! I just want to say I disagree with Simon, and have always admired the way you respond to all comments and don’t flash up in instant defensiveness/retaliation like SO MANY people on the internet, even when the people posting the comments are being rude or antagonistic, as has definitely been the case with some comments I’ve seen. So keep on doing what you’re doing! (And keep staying healthy… it always does worry me a bit when you seem to be over-doing the body hate [your thighs are beautiful] or letting the exercising run away with you… hehe, sorry for the pun.) 🙂
Thank you Sara!! And don’t worry – I’m doing so much better with my thighs (and everything else) now. It’s been almost a month since “The Bod Pod Incident of ’11” and I’m back to my usual intuitive eating! (How cool is it that IE is my “usual” now??)
Fantastic post Charlotte! I appreciate that you share your experiences and put yourself out into the world. Few people are that brave 🙂
The one time I commented with something critical, your upbeat response completed rebutted my critique and made me feel good too. 🙂 So I say: keep doing what you’re doing!
On the subject of flags, (btw I think your wordplay is hilarious, but that’s just my style of humor…) I’m cool with people doing whatever they want with them, so long as they realize that it’s an important symbol. So if you want to burn the flag or wear it to make a point (even if the point is that you like patriotic swimwear) that’s cool with me. What’s not cool is letting the flag that you hung in front of your house to be patriotic get all faded or torn or hang on the ground… to me that’s just wrong.
I’m so glad that somebody appreciates my jokes!! And I totally agree about the disrespect you show the flag when you let it fall apart from neglect.
(looks up at the Blogher SLIMFAST ad and rolls her eyes at them)
right or wrong I tell myself it’s not about me otherwise I would get bogged down by every word.
Loved ones?
Family?
Friends?
I sit and listen and take the words to heart.
Only loved ones friends and family.
Unrelated before I comment: I just noticed that Ryan had the aid of a small Smurf Army in redesigning your website. Does Walmart sell those?
My Comment:
A close friend’s son (who I believe is about 9ish) said to her last night, “Mom, half the world are idiots, and the other half are like us.” I am still laughing about it this morning and I think it is a wise lesson.
Everyone has an opinion and if they didn’t believe that THEIR opinion was the right one, it wouldn’t be what the believed. With half the world being idiots, a lot of these opinions are going to be absurd and/or very very wrong. I am extremely proud of you for being wise enough and kind enough to react as appropriately as you have in this post – it is not a stance many would be mature enough to take. Your blog is REAL. You are honest. You don’t hide the ugliness that lurks within all of us sometimes (fighting negative self images and ED’s). Bringing these things up is a sensitive issue and, naturally, I think you are going to have some people react emotionally. My guess is that, more often than not, their reaction is to something going on within themselves and not about you or your post (as much as they may beg to differ).
I have a girl who I used to follow a lot but we got into some big debates over ‘clean eating’ vs. eating whatever you want to meet your macros. I just gave up and stopped reading her blog. She sometimes comments on my comments to get a riot out of me but I have decided I can think of about 100,000 things I would rather be doing than fight with some chick on the internet who lives across the country and I’ll never meet LOL
So true – some people you just have to decide that things are never going to be awesome between you and leave it at that. And holy crap, I’ve been in those “clean eating” debates and it gets insane!
As usual, your post hit a positive note with me! When I was a kid, once you started 7th grade, you got to join the church youth group (7th – 12th grades) and I was so excited to be a part of that crowd! During one of our first meetings after I joined, we each received a scrap of paper for everyone attending and we were to write something positive about that person. I SO CHERISHED those comments! At the time, I didn’t realize I was truly starting the ED journey, but did recognize that I craved the love from my friends – most of whom I’d known since birth. I kept those notes for years and years (I’m 42), but they got lost in one of our moves. Today, the only comment I can remember was the one ‘constructive criticism’ (read: slap to the face) from the glamorous cheerleader. It devastated me at the time and has stayed with me all these years. BTW: her life went south quickly not long after this and due to her poor decisions and choices. So, don’t let the ugly ones, with no purpose other than to wound, sit with you!! And thank you for recognizing that God loves us all even when we’re not playing nicely with each other!
Wish I could join you and the Gym Buddies for a session! What a blessing they are in your life.
I did that exercise too as a teen in my church group!! And it was one of the most beautiful experiences I’ve ever had – we should do that more often frankly. Thanks for the reminder! And thank you for your sweet comment:)
I have never worn a flag as aclthing, nor do I ever intend to. The patterns are much too busy.
My undergraduate faculty advisor wrote me a note the day before graduation telling me that I had a “Beavis and Butthead” attitude and that I had severe social issues and would never succeed because of them. (She was upset because I had done poorly on an honors exit interview.) I was actually going to grad school with a full assistantship, so it wasn’t like I was a total slacker. My reaction was to become even more self-conscious and self-critical and to CONSTANTLY doubt how people reacted to me in every social interaction. FUN.
She was right about a number of things, but it took me a long time to be able to see (feel) beyond her method of delivery.
Are you serious?! I cannot imagine an advisor actually writing “Beavis and Butthead” in a note to a student! Talk about unprofessional. And this: ” My reaction was to become even more self-conscious and self-critical and to CONSTANTLY doubt how people reacted to me in every social interaction. FUN.” I get this way sometimes too. It’s very painful. Thankfully as I’ve gotten older it’s gotten easier.
I have NEVER found you to be anything but sincere and brutally honest in your writing and your responses, so I, too, must respectfully disagree with Simon. It seems that civility is becoming a lost art these days, and a lot of people are unable to disagree without getting nasty ( I blame reality TV. And politicians), so reading your blog is always a pleasant change from the other stuff.
And you’re absolutely right; happiness is a choice. And we can choose how or even if
we respond to all the negativity out there. Some people just need to be negative andnasty: that doesn’t mean we have torespond in kind. (Of course, some folks area also a few sandwiches short of a picnic,so it’s better to keep your distance, lol!)
As far a’s negative criticism, I had a teacher my freshman year of college who took an immediate and intense dislike to me, for whatever reason. I still don’t know why: I was quiet and shy and respectful, and she made my life hell. She was main instructor, of course. She constantly put me down in front of everyone, was sarcastic and rude, and wrote in my year- end evaluation that I had zero potential. The funny thing was, all my other teachers said the exact opposite. But, of course, I listened to the negative stuff the most.
” But, of course, I listened to the negative stuff the most.” It’s funny how we can hear 10 wonderful compliments but it’s the 1 negative one that sticks with us. Isn’t that the whole deal behind “negging” a woman by criticizing her so that she’ll remember you?
Wow! I hadn’t heard of that! How awful!
Oh, and I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said “Jesus loves you. But I’m His favorite.”
Got a kick out of that!
Great post! I read one of those Amazon posts and wanted to slash her tires. (Personality quizzes label me as a “fiercely loyal friend.” Is that what they meant?) Good for you for being the better woman! The internet, with all of its benefits, really brings out the worst in some people. We generally have a social filter in personal conversation that sometimes gets lost in cyberspace. I used to belong to a moms’ forum, but after a few years I quit when I got tired of being attacked for my opinion. I sent 16 women on a keyboarding rampage when I suggested that you can spend less than $400 on a car seat and keep you kids safe. One mom felt in necessary to send a personal email telling me I was reckless for endangering countless children whose parents were naive enough to believe me. But the final straw was over the cat. She quit using the litter box after 10 years and I was looking for re-training ideas because I was beginning to “resent” her. A full year after the post, someone responded and said if I resented a pet I had for 10 years, I clearly was incapable of being a loving mother and CPS should take my children and give them to someone who deserved them. At first I was really offended, but now looking back I can see this for the insanity that it is.
And I am grateful for constructive criticism – like when someone pointed out on Saturday that I had been cruising down the carpool lane unaware that it was closed. She wasn’t being mean, she was saving me the embarrassment of being pulled over and presented a $200 ticket. Hence “constructive” criticism which can be sifted from ugly rant. Keep up the wonderful writing, Charlotte. You touch more lives than you know!
Yes, whenever things get a little feisty in the fitness blog world I’m always grateful that I’m not a parenting blogger – their forums get ridiculously heated.
I went private with my life blog. Sad thing was, the criticisms I read weren’t even about me, but about others with similar ideas. Some of the things written were downright scary! I don’t understand this. I believe that every person/family is created unique by God, so we’re supposed to all do things differently. I embrace that, rejoice in it even! I’m sorry you’ve had to persevere past such negativity. It’s hard. And unnecessary. I have so many better things to worry about then finding flaws in others! Especially when I have something to glean from ever single one of them…
Great point Pauline – if we are able to look past people’s faults, there is always something to learn from them. Beautiful. Thank you for the reminder – I intend to do that today!
I have a pair of boy short undies. SEveral years ago when I first got them, I found it necessary (always under the influence of beer i might add) to make sure I showed them to everyone and ask that they salute the flag. true story.
boy am i glad i dont drink anymore. :O)
Love the post!
I meant to say they were american flag boy short undies. in case that wasnt clear. :O)
I knew what you meant;) You are hilarious.
Once you hit a certain level of exposure/fame, it’s inevitable that you’ll get negative replies; that’s because 10% of human beings are total d**kheads. Savor those negative comments as a badge of honor. With a mere 12 followers, I haven’t had any of those comments yet. When I finally get my first one, I’ll know I’ve hit the big-time!
I hadn’t thought of it from that point! You have a way of always finding the most sensible answers – I love that about you!
Charlotte you are great. I get a smile every day from reading your words. You are right- God loves ya, and thats all that really matters.
You should be proud for handling this not-so-wonderful aspect of your job/life so gracefully. I must admit, I take things personally even when they are not directed at me… Example: reading the comments on your “do you need to look healthy to work in a health store” post began to make me cry because, having been a not-quite-as-healthy-looking-as-she-wants-to-be female who worked in a well known vitamin/supplement store for several years, it felt like all the negative ones were directed at me (how absurd!) I always struggled while I was there, worried about people’s opinions of me. They didn’t know that I had already lost 50 pounds (supplement free) and knew more about supplements than anyone in the store. To cope, I always respect the fact that people can have their own opinions, but I do not have to respect their own opinions. Then (in this case) I gave myself a friendly reminder of my impressive sales record, many raises, and promotions. And of course, I feel grateful that I am now teaching high school English instead of hawking supplements.
Don’t pay mind to the haters, and don’t hate them… Feel sorry for their negative frame of mind and love the stuffing out of them. They will never see it coming!
” began to make me cry because, having been a not-quite-as-healthy-looking-as-she-wants-to-be female who worked in a well known vitamin/supplement store for several years, it felt like all the negative ones were directed at me” Oh no, I am so so sorry! I hadn’t even considered that aspect when I wrote my post. But on the flip side I hope you also read all teh positive comments (the majority!) from people saying that the salesperson’s size doesn’t matter to them! ((huge hugs))
StarTribune reader comments are always vile — don’t waste a second reading nor analyzing them. Thanks for the heads up about your book chapters being out of order. I haven’t yet read it (there’s a wait list at the library!), but appreciate knowing that beforehand. I’m currently reading tennis star Monica Seles’ memoir “Getting a Grip: On my Body, My Mind, My Self”. She dealt with binge eating, depression, and criticism. The media once referred to her as a “hag with a frying pan”. Ouch. The book is fantastic if you’re looking for an inspiring read. 🙂
Ooh thanks for the rec! I’d love to read it!
I disagree with Simon, I never noticed any inconsistencies in your posts versus your replies. I noticed the non-chronology in the book, but you cleared that up for me, and you should give your publisher a big fat I told you so!
As for criticism, oh man. I don’t get a ton on my blog, but with school…..ouch. Academia is one of the most competitive fields and I learned really early to develop a tough skin. Its hard, and I really have no tips for how I did it. I just did. The first few years were rreally hard and there were tears. There still are sometimes, but they come less often.
So true about academia and one of the biggest reasons I don’t miss it! It was so political, I hated that. Hopefully your new place will be chill?
A specific example doesn’t come to mind but I do have a very difficult time with criticism. It also depends on my mood how I take it. I take things to heart so easily and it’s very difficult for me to look past it. It can be good criticism and pushes me to be better but there’s no reason to just be mean. If I don’t agree with a blogger or dislike what they’re saying on a consistent basis, I stop following them. There’s no need to be mean and say negative things on their posts and/or write them nasty emails. Life’s too short!
You’re right: life IS too short for nasty e-mails!
Ooooo this is something I’m actually qualified to talk about. I have a BFA in Drawing and Painting and consequently, my entire college existence was spent learning to give and receive constructive criticism.
First of all, any comments that aren’t about your writing* can and should be ignored if they’re negative and hurtful.
One huge key to filtering through negative comments separating the wheat from the chaff — quite simply, some comments are worth reading and taking to heart and some are best ignored. The criticisms to focus on are NOT necessarily the nicest ones, or the comments with the best grammar and spelling, or the ones that seem most considered. The feedback to absorb is, quite simply, the feedback that will make your work better. When you come across something negative, as yourself, “How can I improve my writing based on what this person has said?”
This is a handy trick for a few reasons. First, it puts you in a constructive mindset, and that’s always more fun than a destructive one. It means that rather than just absorbing negativity, you’ve got a problem to solve and you’re using the comments as clues to help. This can really take the edge off some of the negativity because it can push the personal nature of some of this stuff into the background. And notice the question is not just “Can I do this” but “HOW can I do this?” Since the question isn’t yes or no, there’s no immediate way to dismiss comments that might prove valuable. You will end up with some critiques that are useless and that’s fine.
One of the hardest lessons to learn about creating anything for public consumption is that your audience has a big say in how it goes. When the negative feedback piles up, it’s very tempting to say, “Well they just don’t understand” and get defensive. This may be true, but then it’s your responsibility to help them understand. Or you can make the decision to find a different audience. Or you can dismiss all the critiques and decide to stick with your current formula, audience be damned. It’s a path people take, but it’s hard to learn from that. It’s hard to grow if you steadfastly reject everyone else’s efforts to help, however poorly written and misguided they may be.
*or your exercises. Or your painting. Or whatever other pursuit you’re engaged in
I have never owned a flag bathing suit, but I once had a mini dress made out of 5mm neoprene. That’s the same stuff as a wetsuit. It was black and neon yellow and utterly appalling. I did win “Most Outrageously Dressed” in my yearbook that year though, so it served its purpose. 🙂
Bah. I meant to post a comment, not an essay, and I’m not even sure I agree with myself. Do what makes you happy. If the thing that would make you most happy is figuring out how to grow from the negative feedback you receive, read the novella above. Otherwise, continue to rock on with your bad self the same way you always have and you’ll still end up in good shape. 🙂
I love your essay! And I really appreciate you sharing your expertise! This: ” The criticisms to focus on are NOT necessarily the nicest ones, or the comments with the best grammar and spelling, or the ones that seem most considered. The feedback to absorb is, quite simply, the feedback that will make your work better. When you come across something negative, as yourself, “How can I improve my writing based on what this person has said?”” is awesome and I am totally going to work on doing this. And thank you for also pointing out that we can’t discount the role of the reader in all of this. It’s a give-and-take, especially on the Internet!
I always wanted an American flag bikini from the ages of 13-15. Luckily, my mom refused to buy me one and we had some good “learning moments” on what is and isn’t tacky and fads vs. actual fashion.
But then again, my mom also fully embraced the denim era of full jean jumpers and all jean accessories. Maybe I should have questioned more…
Hmmm… were the denim jumpers for you or for her? Or – wait – did you have matching jumpers?? That would be awesome. (And? The jean-on-jean trend is making a comeback and I cringe every time I see it on a fashion blog…)
I read your blog daily and love it! You have a gift from God and please continue to use it. You are an inspiration to so many people-keep up the great work.
I think mean-spirited criticism is always about the person giving it, not about the person being targeted.
Also, once you reach a certain level of success (like being a published author) no one can escape from the trolls. It means you’ve arrived 🙂
Ha! I hadn’t thought of it that way! Thanks:)
Charlotte, your ability to embrace, or at the very least acknowledge and attempt to embrace, your flaws is what I find so inspiring! As someone who in life (and at the gym) is constantly worried about whether or not people saw that oopsie I just made, I admire that trait in you and aspire to take myself less seriously! Rock on.
Oh yay! Thank you! We should all take ourselves a little less seriously – esp. at the gym;)
I respectfully but wholeheartedly disagree with Simon. I have never thought your comments were fake or insincere; I don’t think you should change anything about how you comment!
Truthfully I am still really, really awful at accepting/dealing with criticism so no stories from me. I am a work in progress 😉
FIrst off, I want to say that people who RUDELY criticize others on the internet need to look at themselves and ask WHY are they reacting in that way? Could they not give criticism in a constructive way?
I dealt with this issue at a young age, when I was playing soccer and articles would come out in the paper and on television about how I played…it’s hard to receive “critiques” on a bad game when you are in high school!
my parents would tell me that it was preparing me for life…that what people said was not always what they meant. Some people just aren’t good with their words!
again, so sorry about the negativity….breaks my heart!
Thank you Becca! Interesting about critiquing high school athletes… that sounds as if it could be it’s own post!
I have to admit. I was tense and cringing the entire time I read this post. I knew right when I read the title that I had to be part of it. The comments were even worse. I’m sure that there will still be someone.
But.
I have semi-stalked you since I first read your book. It doesn’t seem like you are inconsistently healthy at ALL. Also, the book did seem out of sync, the tone itself was different between the chapters and the essays.
I’m so so glad you cleared that up. Because I was 90% sure it wasn’t you. But that 10% was driving me crazy. I have a problem with not giving up on that 10%. I promise I’m working on it. But now, I’m wholly and completely satisfied.
Simon is wrong.
Huffington Post is HUGE, and could possibly be a lightening rod.
And? I don’t hate you. Who on earth could?
Oh girl! I had NO intention of making you feel singled out with this post! I’m so sorry! I featured your question because you asked what tons of people were thinking – and that’s awesome! I appreciate the opportunity you gave me to explain myself a little bit.
I once had a darling pair of undies with the English (not Union jack) flag on it and I loved it. Must get another pair when I’m back there in May 🙂
I’m so bad with criticism. Can you believe I’ve never had a snarky comment on my own blog? I guess I keep it very middle-of-the-road and not-controversial. But I DID do a very contraversial, sarcastic/humorous guest post on someone else’s blog and I offended two people: one of whom is a personal friend!! EEP. I wanted to barf! To this day, I consider asking her to take down the post, but it’s still Cached forever anyway, isn’t it?
I think that the reason that criticism stings is that USUALLY there is a grain of truth in it- and THAT is what hurts.
That’s the worst – when you hurt someone close to you. Knowing you though, I bet you smoothed it over and you are all friends again:)
The way I respond to criticism depends upon whether it is coming from someone who cares about me (even if their delivery is hurtful or awkward), or someone who want to bring me down.
The hardest criticism for me to deal with is from those who care. One good thing about pushing 40 is that I have ceased caring about criticism that comes from people who don’t really know or care about me. That definitely wasn’t always the case.
If someone gives me an artistic critique (on my writing or artwork), I listen, and I DON”T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. (If someone makes it personal, i.e., “you should quit writing”, I generally dismiss said person as a jerk.)
Honestly, Charlotte, I think a lot of the mean-spirited criticism is coming from jealousy. You are a great writer with a beautiful and caring family, young, attractive, fit…you get the drift.
So I’m saying, take what’s valid and toss the rest.
Thank you Ruth:) Good pointing in differentiating where the criticism is coming from. It really does hurt more when it’s from a loved one.
Do you like Tina Fey? I’m asking (and is that a stupid question? doesn’t everyone like her?) because I have no advice about handling criticism – it’s more difficult than handling a compliment (don’t do that well either). However, I just listened to the Divine Ms. Fey on Fresh Air this morning and she read from her new book – specifically from a chapter in which she replies to the totally rude, vile, and the extremely rude and vile criticism she gets from random people on the web. She’s even thinking of writing an entire book of those comments with her witty responses. A great idea to steal…uh, I mean, borrow:
http://www.npr.org/2011/04/13/135247195/tina-fey-reveals-all-and-then-some-in-bossypants
I just went and read this – thank you!! Yeah, wow, she’s had to deal with some terrible things said about her! And she’s so gracious about it. Great example!
Charlotte,
a) I love the new website design! Yeah, I honestly haven’t been here for awhile (life got a little crazy), but it loads about 10x faster than the old one did… and it’s pretty.
b) I have one problem. The type / front. It’s the same one that I have to use to write my papers (I’m in college)… If you ever have a chance to change it, PLEASE do. It just reminds me that I’ve spent the last 3 days, 8+ hours a day, in front of my computer, typing furiously and trying to make sense in Times New Roman font, size 11. (yeah, I might be the only one that feels this way, but since you said you read every comment I figured I’d put it out there).
c) On the criticism issue: Last weekend I was with hanging out with a cousin, and (as part of a larger conversation) he mentions that he thinks that I’m spoiled (“you’re more spoiled than me” is the way he put it). It hurt. And this is probably the cousin that I’m closest too, or at least in the top three. In some ways I get it, seeing as I go to school full-time and don’t work, and I know he works really hard. But the way he said it, just as an off-hand comment and as if this is common knowledge, just made me feel defensive / young / stupid / etc. I couldn’t really say anything about it, since other family members were there and I’m pretty sure a good deal of them feel the same way. The thing is, its been over 4 days and I’m still thinking about it, like I need to somehow explain that I’m not really that spoiled and defend myself (I worked before I went to college, it’s my last semester so I’m swamped with work, I interned over the summer, his parents also paid his expenses when he was in college (B.A. anyways) so why shouldn’t mine if they can, I’m not some materialistic bimbo, etc). And I don’t really want to see him again and have to deal with the fact that I need to stay silent and not say anything about it when it really did hurt me and did change something in the way I thought of our relationship / friendship / cousin-ness / whatever.
Clearly I’m not great at taking criticism. I’m definitely grateful that my parents are able to give me what they can, and I know I lead a privileged life. I also know that I don’t abuse it – I looked at the money-math to make sure it would work beforehand, I don’t go shopping every weekend, and I do my best to actually be a good person / do the right thing / etc. I am thankful for the opportunities that I have, and for parents who are able / willing to support me so much.
Not sure where to go from here though, I guess to #1…”then choose to move on”. The thing is, though, that’s pretty hard to do.
A) thank you!
B) I’ll try but Ryan did the website design and so I have NO idea how to change anything in it! Sorry!
C) As a previous commenter pointed out, criticisms from loved ones always seem to sting worse and stay with us longer. What your cousin was hurtful because it negates all the hard work you have done and are doing with one word. That’s not fair of him or your other relatives. I hope you can let it go though – it sucks when it just eats at you…
“I’m no expert and not even very sane”
I reckon the people aware of their own insanity are the most sane of all 😉
Hahah! Is this like “you don’t know what you don’t know”? I’ll take it!
For me… it’s the timing of the criticism that matters almost more than the criticism itself.. my mama always said “unasked for advice is a form of criticism” and she was right (as usual)… but I can typically look at the criticism 360 degrees.. up and down… in and out.. think about it.. take what I agree with and try to effect change and toss out what I think is crap… if I’ve heard the criticism before I give it extra weight.. for example, I argue my position passionately and expect the same from the person I’m arguing with but for me it’s not about winning the argument.. I have been known to completely change my position mid argument when faced with a super argument… I like to argue/debate/discuss… but have found most people are very uncomfortable with it and complain that I’m intimidating or aggressive… really? mmmm well, I moderate my tone and my “eye flashes” and lean back.. and use my hands less.. and.. and but at some point I just want to scream GET A BACKBONE! (grin)
Annie
I think some people are naturally skilled debaters like you. I’m not – I get flustered and emotional – but my dad is really good at it. Keep using your talents girl!
I usually just smile on the outside while I am mentally swearing at them or I smile and am polite while I think of their slow, painful demise.
there are people who want to hate, but i say, if you have more positive than negative, just take the negative ones in stride, learn and move on.
i do the same… reply with a “thanks for your comment, i see where you’re coming from” type of comment. b/c i truly do see their point of view. doesn’t mean i agree, just means, thanks for sharing your thoughts.
keep it up, charlotte
Thank you for understanding Julia! It occurred to me after I replied to Simon that part of this may be a gender issue. Men seem to prefer a more direct, confrontational style of discussion while women seem to need to make a personal connection before entering into a debate.
very true about men and women!
Haha, I actually feel a little chuffed for my comment to have been recognised in this way. I stand by it though!
Don’t feel chuffed! It wasn’t meant to be mean, it was meant to be grateful! And anyhow, did you see my reply about the gender differences? I appreciate you coming back and I do appreciate your standing by your comment (and I’m not just saying that;))
Chuffed means pleased, but I guess USians aren’t familiar with the term.
Buwhahah! Oh dear. Yes, I’m not very familiar with British slang. (That is British right?) Anyhow, just wanted you to know that I thought about you last night when I wrote today’s post on childhood obesity and am going to make a special effort with my comments today to be honest and forthright.
Really interesting post, and thanks for talking openly about negativity and your reader’s comment. I have a question – i’ve read your blog for a couple of years. If you’re ‘actively’ working at getting better, well, and this is hypocritical for me to say i think as i’m a reader for x reasons but….talking about body image, various fitness activities etc all the time. Isn’t that wallowing in the problem? Isn’t that just creating more ways to cling to these issues rather than fully release them? This is what i thought you were attempting to do when you left your blog last year. I don’t know. It’s just a question i wanted to ask which seemed it could be connected to your response to your reader.
Good question! It’s one I ask myself quite a bit. And honestly I don’t have a good answer for you. On one hand, this blog has really helped me deal with a lot of tough things. On the other hand, it does seem like sending the alcoholic to the liquor store. The thing is, I’d be writing this whether or not anyone read it because writing is my way of processing things. Having you guys around to give me a sanity check feels like an incredible blessing and I’m loathe to let it go:)
I’m really conflicted about this issue.
Thanks for the honest reply. I’m conflicted too about just reading your blog sometimes. But i get that about reading Jezebel, so….hmmm.
Do you discuss this blog with (okay i don’t know if your faith in particular has ‘priests’, ‘fathers’ or what so i’m going to use ‘priest’) your priest or church elders? That might be too personal to discuss but considering your faith is so important to your life i do wonder how your interest (and time taken up with) fitness/body image etc meshes. Well anyway, thanks for the reply Charlotte. Negativity is pervasive online so the post i think is timely and useful to people who deal with negative comments.
The name for the clergy person in the LDS faith is “bishop”:) And yes, I have actually discussed this with him. I do think there comes a point where focusing so much on things like this crosses into body worship and obv. I want to worship God and not my body. Your comment did make me think of something else though: because the GFE is primarily a health and fitness blog, I generally stick to those topics but that doesn’t mean I don’t have outside interests. For instance, I almost never blog about my children or husband because my husband is uncomfortable with that but I do spend a great deal of time doing things with them and enjoying my time with them. I also crochet, play the piano, read (non-fitness books even!), hang out with my friends, go bowling etc but I rarely blog about those things. Maybe I should though – so people will know I do have more balance than it seems?
I take what I like and leave the rest. I also remind myself, that for the most part, what other people think of me isn’t any of my business. This usually brings me back to keeping the focus on myself and what I think it right or wrong for my life.
I really enjoyed this post Charlotte. I’ve had a few haters over the years and some have been really mean and hurtful. I don’t think I will ever even attempt to write a book because I don’t think I could handle the increase in mean comments (even if it comes with more praise). I either get defensive or am super nice. I try not to get into arguments though and if it is in an email I delete it and I’ve occasionally deleted a few horrible comments on my blog. People seem to think that because it’s online they can say whatever they want to you because you aren’t a real person. I think you’ve handled yourself well and I’ve always enjoyed reading your blog. You are a truly great writer. 🙂
“People seem to think that because it’s online they can say whatever they want to you because you aren’t a real person.” Isn’t this the sad truth! I think every blogger has to deal with this at some point – I’m glad you found a good balance.
Pingback:Five for Friday
WOW! This one brought the lurkers out. So many comments that I can’t read them all… so I’ll just post my thoughts. I actually read all the comments for the last one, and lingered over Simon’s for a long time, debating whether to respond myself. Then I eventually saw you wrote this post, so thought I’d comment here 🙂
On the one hand, I agree with Simon. I think your comments can come off as a bit patronizing – though in fairness, I never thought that before; it’s more just that once it was pointed out, it makes sense. I definitely see both of your points – his that people might want an open debate, and yours that you want to be welcoming. This is your blog, so you are of course totally allowed to do whatever you want with comments – but I have an idea that might help you meet somewhere in the middle. What about continuing with the cheerleader comments when someone is new to your site, but once they’ve been around for a while, continue to start with something positive, but then engage them a little bit in a debate? If they happily respond, you know you’re good; if not, you can go back to positives only. That might make your comment sections even more engaging than they already are!
Finally, just want to note that I get really excited whenever you comment on one of my comments… so the positivity thing is definitely not a bad thing 🙂
I like your idea Laura! And I do sometimes get into more involved discussions with “regulars”. There are people on here who’ve been with me for years and they know they can say whatever to me and I know I can respond in kind. But that’s the thing- I’ve established the relationship with them first.
I do definitely see merit to Simon’s comment – hence the reason I included it in this post. I didn’t see it that way until he pointed it out and then I could see how they could come off patronizing or insincere. I was serious in the post when I said I would make an effort to fix that and I am grateful he pointed it out.
So glad you enjoy my replies – I sure enjoy your comments!
Pingback:Week in Blogs #2 | See How She Runs
Pingback:Who Told You You Were Less Than? [Cruelty, Forgiveness and Why I wouldn't go back to middle school if you paid me.] | The Great Fitness Experiment
Pingback:Who Told You You Were Less Than? [Cruelty, Forgiveness and Why I wouldn't go back to middle school if you paid me.] | Instant Health Fitness
Pingback:Experimenting with Charlotte (giveaway! come quick!) » Journey Beyond Survival
After I initially commented I apear to have clicked on the
-Notify me when new comments aare added- checkbox and
from now on eery time a comment is added I recieve four emails with the same comment.
There haas to be a way you can remove me from that service?
Thanks a lot!
zakomunikować , â € Shoney , porządniej skorzystać spośród harpagona . Jest twój . Przylega aż do you.â € t
I loved as much as you’ll receive carried out right here.
The sketch is tasteful, your authored subject matter
stylish. nonetheless, yoou command get got an impatience over that you wish be
delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come more formerly again since exactly the same nearly very ofteen inside case you shield this hike.
Wonderful blog! I found it while browsing on Yahoo News.
Do you have any tips on how to get listed in Yahoo News?
I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to
get there! Appreciate it
Thank you for any other fantastic post. The place
else could anybody get that type of information in such an ideal way of writing?
I’ve a presentation subsequent week, and I am on the search for such information.
Can you tell us more about this? I’d like to find out more details.
Your style is really unique compared to other people I’ve
read stuff from. Thank you for posting when you’ve got the opportunity, Guess I’ll just
book mark this web site.