Now THIS would be a legitimate reason to freak out… (Ad is for Nikon face recognition software – “finds faces you don’t even see” Eeeeek!)
There’s the mom who confessed to loving her son more than her daughter, to the point that if her daughter died she’d be okay with it as long she could keep her son. There are the parents who confessed to suggesting kids roll their backpacks in peanut oil to protest the “special treatment” of a child with a life-threatening peanut allergy at their school. There are confessions about incest, affairs, drug use and My Little Pony fetishes. (Don’t even ask how I found the last one and no I’m not linking it.) There’s even confessing about confessing. To say the Internet has turned into the most public confession booth ever would be an understatement. And while confession can certainly be good for the soul, it can also be good for the show. In a world with an insatiable appetite for titillation, the search is always on for the Next Big Confession. And the ante just keeps getting higher.
As a blogger you figure out pretty quickly that one of the best ways to connect with people is to share a part of yourself. This can be a gift to both the writer and the reader. But there’s a fine line between being honest and open and being the freak show. And I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes I have a hard time finding that line. I’ve shared intimate details about my eating disorders, my mental health issues, my sexual assault and even my experience with the death of my baby. I don’t regret any of this. I think – and please don’t disillusion me – that some of what I write has helped some of you. That’s my favorite part about doing this blog. (But you will notice that the unifying factor of my confessions is that they are all mine. There are several big things in my life that I wish I could blog about but I can’t because they are other people’s confessions, other people’s stories to tell. Even if they do overlap with mine, they’re not my business to share.)
One of the things I used to regularly blog about was all the crazy thoughts in my head. It felt good to get them out – unattended crazy festers faster than a corpse on CSI – and I liked knowing that I wasn’t the only girl out there with these issues. But then I slowly began to realize that my crazy was inspiring other people’s crazy. Several people wrote to tell me they couldn’t read my blog anymore because my issues with overexercise and food were becoming their issues. And that was a game-changer for me. Up to that point I’d thought that being open about my struggles was the best policy. Everyone knows eating disorder recovery is not a straight line, right? But I have a responsibility to you guys. I hate when I hurt you. Maybe I’m giving myself more power than I really have but words do have power and I have felt that psychic pull reading other people’s sites sometimes. I want to uplift and inspire not drag down, sensationalize or even trivialize serious problems.
Anyhow, after I “quit” blogging and then came back, one of the biggest changes I implemented was to stop with the crazy talk on my site. I either had to get serious about being 100% committed to being healthy or I had to quit writing. I think I’ve done a decent – not perfect – job of that. I’ve made huge strides with Intuitive Eating and with managing my exercise addiction. I’m a much much healthier person than I was two years ago, or even one year ago. I’m proud of that. And I’m honest about that. But. But the pressure of only writing about my issues in the past tense sometimes feels like too much, especially when I mess up. Especially on a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad (all my sympathies to Alexander) day like today. So where do I draw the line here? Can I tell you about my bad day? Or will that make you have a bad day too? I don’t know and right now I’m too sad to try and figure it out. [All of which is to say consider yourself warned. If you are one of those people who feels crazy reading my crazy or just hates hearing my crazy, stop here. Skip to the comments and tell me how you feel about blogger confessionals in general.]
I weighed myself.
After months of not touching a scale – and ignorance really is bliss – I now have that number lodged in my brain again. As a former scale junkie, I should have known better. I know how numbers can wreck me. It started with this:
Yes you have to wear (a supercute red retro!) swimsuit and cap even though there is no water involved. It’s strange. And cold. Also, if you laugh you have to redo the test – you know the Gym Buddies and I each had to do several redos. Except for Megan who went to her happy place and blocked us all out.
My body fat percentage readings with the calipers have been worrisome to me and so I wanted to get a more accurate reading. The Gym Buddies and I all signed up to do a Bod Pod assessment. While hydrostatic (underwater) weighing is still the gold standard, the Bod Pod is supposed to be pretty accurate too. But to use the Bod Pod you have to be weighed. I decided that I’d rather weigh at home on my own scale in my own way (read: buck naked) than be surprised in front of my friends in a public facility.
The good news: my weight is within 6 ounces of where it was when I quit weighing myself which I think is an obvious win for Intuitive Eating. No dieting, eating mostly what I want, moderate exercise and my weight hasn’t even fluctuated a pound in 6 months! Amazing. The bad news: the number on the scale is of course higher than what my mind is comfortable with. I’d been hoping that the IE would help me release those last 5-8 pounds I feel like I “need” to lose. And when I realized that it hadn’t and that it probably never would because my body is super happy where it is thankyouverymuch, well it wrecked me.
And then the bod pod came back with a number I didn’t particularly like either but for an entirely different and conflicted reason. I won’t go into all the details except to say that I’m so disappointed in myself. I’m disappointed in my extreme sensitivity to stupid numbers and perversely I’m also disappointed in myself for my inability to change those numbers at will. I’m disappointed that I backslid. And I’m disappointed that it took so little to knock me off my feet again. To the point where I actually went out and bought some diet pills and diuretics. I didn’t use them. I won’t. They’re already out of the house. I would not be writing this otherwise. But it took staring at the bottles to realize how far and how fast I was sliding.
The whole thing is ridiculous and yet… I’m just sad. I am.
Let me be perfectly clear: I know that I am at a healthy weight. I know that my “need” to lose those last few pounds is totally in my head. I am not looking for a bunch of comments saying “But you are thin!” or “You look great!” or even “You’re too skinny” because while you are super sweet the point isn’t about what I look like. The point is that all the messed-up thoughts have come crashing back and I don’t know how to make them go away. The perfectionist part of me is telling me what a failure I am and it’s really hard not to listen to it tonight.
I hope you’ll forgive me for this. I may regret this post. In fact, I’m going to sit on this one a few days.
UPDATE: I’ve sat on this post for about two weeks and I still feel like running it. One of the most surprising things to have come out of this day was how much my freak-out freaked out the Gym Buddies. Even the two that don’t normally get hung up on numbers got sucked in to the point that we all left the Bod Pod center feeling pretty awful about ourselves. It’s not worth it. We decided the next day that we’re going to lay off the body fat testing for a while so you won’t see that part included in the results of my Experiments for now. Since then I haven’t weighed myself – don’t say I don’t learn from my mistakes! – but I’m not going to lie: I’m still struggling. The body hate has ratcheted up exponentially. And I think it has started to seep out into some of my posts (for instance, the part in the Controversial Carbohydrate post where I complained about my thighs – thank you to all of you who took the time to e-mail me and lovingly chastise me) which is why I wanted to post this. NOT to excuse my bad behavior. But to offer an explanation.
How do you feel about blogger confessionals? How do you handle setbacks in your own life? Anyone else try the Bod Pod – what was your experience? Anyone else keep looking over their shoulder after seeing that first pic??
Written with love by Charlotte Hilton Andersen for The Great Fitness Experiment (c) 2011. If you enjoyed this, please check out my new book The Great Fitness Experiment: One Year of Trying Everything
for more of my crazy antics and uncomfortable over-shares!
for more of my crazy antics and uncomfortable over-shares!
Just gettin’ back in yer comment system…
ACK! My original comment got lost in the move..
YOU LOOK SO PRETTY!
Getting through setbacks… you just keep going. The crazy voices are always going to be with us, we just have to learn to talk back to them a little more. You focus on the good things you’re doing, and try to counteract the crazy with some good self-love-talk. Even if we feel like we’re making it up at first. You’re strong Charlotte, you can keep going.
I have a confession, my favorite child is the one who is not asking me a bunch of questions so I can try and type a cogent comment.
I am glad that you share your stories. I think that it is helpful to many a recovery. And the BOD POD looks awesome. I could probably take a nap in there.
It feels like riding in an airplane with the air pressure constantly changing. Plus it’s cold. Def. not nap-worthy!
Maybe this is bad, but I like hearing about other people’s struggles, setbacks, etc. because, often, I can relate. With blogs, there’s a real disconnect between the actual person writing and how they come across to the reader; I think that can be dangerous. Hearing about other people’s struggles can be both humanizing and comforting. Of course I’m not happy you, or anyone else, is feeling negatively, but it’s nice to know that other people have struggles too. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Thank you Lynna! I really appreciate your support!
Ugh. I do feel for you. The pain you endure is crystal clear. And it’s upsetting to hear that all of you super-fit gym girls left the bod pod feeling badly about yourselves when you work out on a regular basis and eat sensibly (I’m guessing that they do too).
Really Charlotte, it sounds like therapy may be the way to go for you. I think you’ve done it before, but you do need to get a hold of those demons or they will pop up from time to time and hit you like the have now. Hugs to you my friend.
Never done the bod-pod- I don’t think it’s accurate. Plus red is not my color. Confessionals: Truthfully I do like them, but only occasionally from any one blogger. If they come fast & furious, I experience confession fatigue and become a bit disinterested in the ongoing plight.
Oh you know me and my therapy – I love it!! Don’t have to tell me twice;)
Hey Charlotte,
Sorry, another long one.
And, since we’re confessing: I stopped reading yours (and many others’) blogs for reasons that I now understand. Although they were strong interests of mine, they were feeding my neuroses!
The more I read, the more my problems increased. I backed away from my own blog, wondering how the hell I was supposed to help others when I couldn’t help myself. I’m working on restructuring my focus, content, and message so that I can heal and help at the same time.
In the past six months I’ve fallen off the wagon. My destructive eating behaviours have been out of control, but really it’s my mind rather than my problem with food that has been choking me to death.
I realize that my problems won’t go away, they will merely come out of hiding when life gets out of sorts. The stresses in my life had me reaching for my old familiar “blanky”. What I really need to learn is how to face the stresses and let go of the security blanket. Easier said than done.
What’s the answer? I don’t know. Therapy, perhaps. But that’s not for me.
I know of people who have been in therapy their entire lives, and they’re no further ahead. I’ve begun to treat this as an addiction — like I was an alcoholic. This may never go away, but it is something that I can learn to accept, live with, and control in a healthy, non-destructive way.
Exercise and healthy eating are my elixirs. When I stick to that mix, I’m good. When I let it fall, well … I find that doing the inner work and staying clear of negative influences (blog posts) help me refocus, collect energy, and establish a healthier way of looking at the world — moving out of my myopia!
Don’t stop writing what you need to write, Charlotte. Many of us begin to blog as a way of healing our souls. I could suggest journaling — privately. But part of the healing process means sharing real-life stories with real-live people. People who are similar and, therefore, who understand. A little empathy goes a long way in the process of healing our tortured minds.
And, my belief is that, for as many people who are discouraged by your personal writings, there are an equal or greater number of readers who are truly helped and inspired by what you have to say.
For those (like me) who can’t handle all of it, well, that’s our problem, not yours. You don’t write about your troubles every day. If you did, perhaps I’d find it necessary to leave altogether. Instead, I subscribe, and scan, and find your wonderful stories that uplift, educate, and inspire me to move forward in my life. And, there are plenty of those to keep me coming back.
Congrats on the new look. It is sooooo you!
Thanks for doing what you do. I’ll be back.
Cheers!
First – I am so so sorry to hear about your current struggles! I know how hard it can be to break out of that cycle once it starts in earnest. I know you said therapy isn’t for you but have you tried it? I’ve personally found it really helpful. Second – thank you for sticking with me through all the crazy – I really appreciate that:) I’m glad you found a way to keep reading and take care of yourself too.
Keep me posted on how you are doing, ok?
Charlotte, when you do confessional blogging, you invite criticism, oops, I mean help. I do feel like yelling at you, as I have seen your pictures, and you are not heavy by any means. Some mythological number cannot be what you run your life by. If you are into fitness, your goals should be strength, or endurance, or something like that. I’m doing squats to not only increase my strength, but to increase the curvaceousness of my thighs. Fitness models have curves, because muscle has curves. I don’t weigh 105, like I did in high school, because I have muscle. If I put on 5 more lbs, It better be because I can bench press my own weight.
My mother was anorectic, and I know it is a pervasive illness, but it seems to be one directed at negating yourself, or martyring yourself. No one can teach you how to love and value yourself, but I do think that is the answer.
Oh I know the problem is in my head, not my thighs:) I’ve been doing really well reframing my goals to performance ones rather than body composition ones – this was just a bad day and I’m feeling much better now. Thank you for sharing your experience with your mother with me – I think you are so right about the effects.
I’m so sorry to hear about your really bad day and the negative cycle of thoughts it has caused. All I can say is that I think you’ll get through this. I’ve learned that just speaking my emotions seems to take some of their power away, and put the control back with me. Admitting you’re sad and disappointed is huge, and I commend you for it. It’s when we try and deny, pretending we’re okay, when we really aren’t, that things can get out of hand quickly. Disordered eating never really goes away. We just learn to manage it. Living and thinking differently. Striving for a different definition of healthy then we previously may have imagined. You’re doing it and inspiring many of us along the way. ((hugs))
As for confessionals…I don’t mind them. I have 2.5 year old twins, and a favorite at any given moment. It changes as soon as someone whines or cries. I thought everyone did this? 🙂
Oh yes! I def. favor one child over the rest at different points in time! And I love this: “just speaking my emotions seems to take some of their power away, and put the control back with me.” SO true. I’m feeling much better now. Thanks!
Charlotte, it really seems like you’re taking two steps forward and one back. Which is really awesome, when you think about it. I don’t mind the confessionals…we all have good and bad days and it’s a little comforting to know that I’m not the only one taking a bit of a winding path to being “normal”. It seems you’re doing a great job of working on yourself.
Charlotte, I think that you need to be able to share what you are going through and get support from others. I think that’s one of the huge parts of what drives people to blog in the first place. If you are keeping it in and letting it eat you up, then that’s counterproductive. I think if you just have some sort of disclaimer before these sorts of posts like you did this time, then you should not hesitate to share what you are going through.
I’m just going to say that I think you look absolutely amazing. A total inspiration with four kids! 🙂
And I’ll never be able to get into one of those things without thinking of this picture of you and laughing. Oh, wait, no offense intended. Just a funny image.
Setbacks are always so tough. You go along for a long time thinking you have finally gotten past all this and then BOOM – you are smacked in the face with all your old hang ups. I recently have had my own setback. 32 weeks pregnant and taken off all exercise. I already have been struggling to keep my body imagine issues at bay during this pregnancy and stick with my intuative eating – and I’ve been pretty successful. But now that exercise is out of the picture, I’m suffering from overwhelming fears of losing control of my body. . . .something that was already happening anyway, but I felt like I had some control over because of my exercising. I have to fight not to restrict.
Also, and this may sound like pregnant craziness (and it could be), but my OB got a website that allows us to check our information through it. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I made the decision to look at my weight while pregnant (I don’t own a scale and don’t look when I see the doctor) and it’s been a decision that has been okay for me. BUT when I logged on and checked my stats the other day, I was able to look at my weight readings from the past four years (ranging from when I suffered from anorexia and weighed barely 100 lbs to when I first started legalizing food and my weight shot up to numbers that i was not comfortable with – or should I say wouldn’t have been comfortable with if I had know). It’s amazing how those numbers, even today and completely irrelevant can mess me up.
My suggestion is if you aen’t already, get back in touch with your therapist. I don’t see mine anymore, but if I run into trouble, I email her. It helps knowing that support is always there. These setbacks are so hard, but I just tell myself to put one foot in front of the other and keep going – and own how I feel. I made a promise to myself 3 years ago that no matter what, I would never go back to my old habits. Like you, I’ve flirted on the edge before, but I figure the pain of going through what I go through now is a healthier pain than where I was 3 years ago. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Thanks for sharing . It really helps those similar not feel quite so alone!
While I can see that some people might “up their crazy” from reading some of your posts, you can’t shoulder the responsiblity of other peoples’ problems on yourself. Continue to move foreward with whatever feels right. What drew me to your blog was at first your humor, then it was finding out that you struggle with disordered eating, which I have as well. What really hooked me was when I continued to read about you and your life. It was so relieving to me to see this beautiful, funny, smart, amazing woman who had moments of total instablity and thought processes that were a little screwed up .and not at all unlike my own!Reading about your life, your struggles , and your courage to overcome them really does inspire me. You’re managing to have a successful and happy life despite the crazy , and I use that as inpiration that I can too. Thank you!
This is my biggest thing to remember- everyone has bad days, it does not mean a spiral is about to occur. Whether I spiral is up to me. So, I accept the bad days, and try to understand what urged them on, and otherwise, I’m just thankful that I have fewer bad days than I used to (and that they tend to be nice and spaced out, as opposed to all in one).
Groupon had a sale today for a Metabolic Assessment of sorts. I debated purchasing it. Then I realized I’d just start buying it every few months to see where I was, and I’ve been enjoying focusing on the mental benefits of the gym/exercise, so…why mess with my system?
Ugh.
That’s a sticky wicket, to be sure.
Here’s my thought:
I have a personal, individual responsibility to be wary of what I read,
watch, or otherwise take in.
I avoid *all* fitness sites when I’m having a hard time with my disorder.
And if I come visiting your site,
and I read something that triggers that disorder?
Not your fault.
My reaction.
My responsibility.
However,
there is a time and a place for a thoughtful blogger
(like you, you doll)
to place warnings on posts that he/she is pretty sure could be triggering.
*********
I’m so so sorry you had a horrible no good body day.
I had that last week,
and I’m still reeling.
I’ll be praying that you are able to kick that bitch of disordered thinking in the teeth.
You are so beautiful, friend;
you are so far above those horrible, lying thoughts.
*love*
ps (but that doesn’t mean you are bad, stupid, or foolish for having those thoughts–it’s just being human…)
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It really depends on the confession. Sometimes I feel like people are attention seeking (in the worst way) when making confessions, looking to sensationalize and capitalize on scandal. You, however, do not cross that line. I appreciate your confessions. They are written with an almost begrudging humility and reluctance, communicating, to me at least, that beyond classic vindication for your faults, you are hoping that other women find solace knowing they aren’t alone. For me, your blog gives me permission to own my crazy. Everyone has some crazy and knowing that your crazy is like mine, makes me more willing to embrace the flaws in myself. So keep writing, even on your bad days, because it gives the rest of us permission to have, and face, bad days ourselves.
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I know I am way slow on commenting here ( don’t get to read the blog everyday or even week but I love it).
I’m very glad to hear that you lovely ladies have decided to STOP checking your bloody body fat %!!!!! Why, may I ask are you checking it to begin with??? Why not judge workout programs on things like; Fun Factor, how they made you feel ( energized, drained, stronger, how your clothes fit, so on & so on)? Numbers related to body measurement of any kind seem to be a trigger. So glad to hear your ditching the body fat measurement too!!! Keep up the healthy good work ladies and HAVE FUN, FORGET THE FAT!