“I bet you’re the kind of girl who doesn’t really get a long with other girls.” He said it so coolly that my high-school self immediately knew the correct answer. “Oh yeah, all my best friends are boys,” I said obligingly. That wasn’t even remotely true but even my then-self knew that we women are supposed borrow a friend’s lipstick in the bathroom and then use that same shade to mark her man in the bedroom. I added, “I’m not crazy like those other girls.” What I meant, of course, was that I was low-maintenance (lie), no-drama (lie) and that I’d be comfortable with burping, farting and sex jokes (lies, all of it!).The boy in question was a crush and I wanted to impress him, even if it meant throwing another girl – or my gender entirely – under the bus. Indeed all my best friends were then, and are still now, girls. Not that I don’t love and adore the men in my life but so much of my life revolves around my sisters, those who share my DNA and those who don’t.
How do you ask for help when you don’t even know what it is you need? Tarragon chicken, roasted potatoes, green beans almondine, three different kinds of pie – she didn’t say anything as she placed dish after dish of lavish food on the tables, which was for the best as even if she had asked what I wanted, I would not have been able to answer her. When we decided to have a funeral for a baby no one knew in a place where no one knew us – grief makes familiars of us all – we hadn’t exactly thought out the details. Just making the arrangements to transfer our daughter’s body from the hospital to the funeral parlor proved enormous – in a strange trick of fate the State sent us her death certificate months before we got her birth certificate and we were left explaining over and over again how someone who hadn’t been born had died. So the fact that all our families were going to need to be fed after the funeral? Too enormous to comprehend. But there was Mandy, hand on her own pregnant stomach, dishing out not just food but a funerary feast. She stepped so lightly that I couldn’t even remember the moment that she had stepped in and carried my pain in her hands, just as adeptly as she carried the platter of crudities. Women carry so much more than babies.
How do you start a conversation that ends with “and now I have to go to court in another state to testify against him”?Melissa seemed to understand my inability to explain the reason I showed up unannounced at her door one day with my baby under one arm and a stack of legal documents under the other and instead watched quietly as our sons played and I filled out the forms outlining my case against my ex-boyfriend. Forms that I had tried to fill out for a solid week but every time I opened the packet in my silent home I was suffocated by all the things I couldn’t say but had to write. How do you write something you’ve never even admitted to yourself much less said out loud? It starts with not being alone. Even if she didn’t understand the haunted look in my eyes or the triplicate copies of pages that began “Under penalty of law…” she understood my need for company. Women hear so much more than what is spoken.
How do you talk about a nightmare? When the need to speak finally came, the story pressed behind my lips and I could no more hold it back than hold back vomit, Erika listened. She knew him in a way I hadn’t and that gave me the context with which to frame my own experience, her faith in my version of the events – a first. Then came Laura who let me call her every day, sometimes many times a day,to recount one more memory I’d pushed away. The memories felt endless, my need to purge insatiable and yet she never flinched from the torrent. For months she listened. And then came all the girls – some of you girls, even – to wrap me in the protection of their stories and their arms. Girls who called when they heard a news story about sexual assault, to see if I was okay. Girls who called to ask if they were going to be okay. Girls who said they could talk about their stories because I could talk about mine. Women say so much more than what is spoken.
How do you say “I’m sad when I have every reason to be happy”? Weddings and baby showers. Births and deaths. Beauty and trauma. The large moments of our lives are emotionally etched into our being but what of all the myriad small moments? The day-to-day monotony, sometimes punctuated by a burst of rapid-fire baby giggles, sometimes overwhelmed by a string of gray days: Even though I am surrounded by tiny people – whom I deeply love – I have never known such loneliness as I have as a young mother. And just when I think I am about to go mad from the incessant irrational whining, Sam and Debbie show up at my door. They come bearing gourmet cheesecake (just because) to feed my stomach and stories to feed my soul. Women feed so much more than hunger.
How do you learn to accept your faults? “Charlotte, sit down. We’re done with our workout.” “Girl, get over yourself.” “You have gotten too thin.” And even a stage-whispered, “You have camel toe! Fix it!!” Over the years, Allison, Megan and Krista, always just a hysterical text message away, have done so much more than keeping me from dropping the weight bar on myself. They rein me in, theyground me, they correct me and through it all they still love me. I am stronger because they do not treat me like shattered glass. Women temper so much more than tantrums.
How do you comprehend the eternal? Three years old, her large brown doll eyes welled up. Three is too young to understand death much less such an untimely death. I was 20 when my baby sister died – an entire lifetime apart from three – and yet I could barely wrap my mind around the fact that a person who is here one moment can be so utterly gone the very next. I watched my next-youngest sister Kathryn climb up the stool to sit on the kitchen counter so she could be eye level with her sisters, aunts, friends, her grieving mother. Taking all of us adults in, she stared solemnly, already forgetting the sister she barely knew. But some things run deeper than mere memory. Shared things like grief. Things like a tiny hand on my arm and then a tiny head on my shoulder as she sobbed. These were not crocodile nears nor were they shed out of fear or exhaustion or hunger, no she cried for one simple reason: the rest of us were crying and she cried with us, her heart-broken with ours. Even at three, women cry so much more than tears.
Women get a lot of bad press – if you believe the media, we’re catty, gossipy, back-stabbing competitive b*tches. The Real Housewives of Wherever is pretty much based on this premise. Sometimes in our pettier moments we may even believe it ourselves, fearing other women’s successes, glorying in their failures. And gossiping about all of it. But we forget: This sisterhood – this is what we lose when make it about comparing waistlines, jobs or children, when we reduce the complexity of our relationships to the span of our thighs or the label on our bag, when we compete for things we’ve already lost. These “mom-petitors”, “”skinny bitches”, “drama queens” and fashionista social climbers – these are not the women I know. In the end, women are so much more than we give ourselves credit for. Women have the power to be angels.
I want to take this time to thank all the amazing, talented, big-hearted, beautiful inside-and-out women in my life – those I mentioned here and the many many more I didn’t have room to name. While it isn’t always rainbows and unicorns and PMS parties, the good I have received from you far outweighs the negative. If I had that high-school conversation to do over again I would say how proud I am to have such strong connections with so many strong women.
How about you – who have been the influential women in your life? Do you consider yourself someone who gets along more easily with men or women? Or both, equally? Men, do you feel totally left out yet? (Don’t worry – when it gets close to Father’s Day, I’m going to write an Ode to the Gents;))
Gorgeous post! Thanks for reminding me to be grateful for all the important women in my life. My mom more than anyone has shaped who I am, both good and bad, as cliche as that is. Lately though, seeing some my old friends grow up and into themselves has inspired me to follow suit. I’m definitely someone whose closest friends are all girls too.
Love it! A beautiful ode to friendship 🙂 So easy to get in the trap of treating other women as the enemy rather than embracing what we have in common and helping one another. The older I get the more I appreciate my female friends.
amazing post as always.
your words? I cannot do justice with my comment.
So Ill just say Im a girls girl 🙂
I never got/understood the cut throat competition even when I was younger.
theres room enough for all of us.
Great post!
I struggle with the understanding that some friends are only meant to be in your life for a particular time and purpose sometimes. I struggle to let go of friendships that are no longer good for me because I hold on to the good and the memories and the times we’ve supported each other.
But I love that moment of friendship where you realise that you really know each other and you support each other. I missed that for 18 months in New Zealand and I’m loving finding it again now. Female friends do sometimes get a bad name but they’re often underrated.
I am a frequent reader of your blog, although I’ve never commented. So much of what you say resonates with me, but none more than today. Thank you for your words.
By the time I was 30 I had lost 2 grandmothers, my own Mom and most recently in September my step-Mom. These losses have all left me floundering, searching for that female connection, those people who would help me choose a wedding dress, give me advice when I had a chlid, understand me and support me in a way that 3 brothers and my father cannot. Although I love them very much.
I’ve always had girlfriends. I knew we had fun. I knew they were an important part of my life. But I did not realize they were my family until my Mom got sick and passed away when I was 25. Since then they have lifted me up, they have loved me and they have pulled me tightly into them and held on for dear life when I was trying to push the entire world away. One dear friend most recently took me to the hospital as I had my first mammogram and grounded me as my anxiety spun out of control during the incessant questions and sympathy about the loss of my Mom and the need for a mammogram at 30.
The men in my life are amazing. I have many male friends. But my dear girlfriends are my chosen family. They will help me choose my wedding dress, they will give me advice when I have a child and hopefully they and I will still be causing trouble when we’re ready to dye our hair blue and sit on the porch in our rocking chairs!
beautiful. whenever i hear a woman say that she doesn’t really have female friends, that she really only gets along with guys, i always feel bad for her. i adore my husband, i love my male friends, but there’s nothing like my friendships with my girls. great post!
I’ve always been a girlie girl and a girl’s girl, but in high school, when I was consumed with my appearance and obsessed with getting boys to like me, I deluded myself into thinking I was a guy’s girl. Now more mature, I am always SO grateful for my girlfriends – that includes close friends, my mom, my grandma, and blogger friends who, even though we’ve only met once, feel like my sister…. xoxoxo
Well written 🙂
I’ve been mostly a tomboy…and so I found a lot of girls confusing simply due to their girlishness, but I have a few close friends who’ve stayed with me. the ones who knew me “before” and now and love me all the same. It’s a rare thing, but becoming less so I think. The more I open myself up to others to share and talk, the more amazing people I encounter in my life. Some I haven’t even met yet in person, but sometimes, a word from them is what kept me going through strange times.
We are stronger together 🙂
I used to have more guy friends, but they were all more shallow friendships. Not that I don’t htink you can have a real deep friendship with a guy, but just saying that I didn’t. Maybe it was me that was shallow, but regardless, the ladies in my life now are MY GIRLS.
Thank you Charlotte!
Thank you for that post.
I wish I could say I’m a girl with a lot of girl friends… but I don’t. My only female friend is my sister which I ADORE and trust and everything. But besides her, all my good good friends are men. And yes, I don’t mind the gases and the sex jokes, and I even like them (the sex jokes, there’s no way to love a stinky crowded car with 4 farting guys and an asphyxiated me).
They’ve been my listeners and the ones that helped and had been with me through thick and thin. I guess this might be from a really bad relationship with my mother and a very good one with my dad,
I wish I could have more female friends…
Charlotte! What a beautiful post. All too often we DO throw each other under the bus, we are so quick to judge and compare and envy, and for what?
Beautiful!!!!!!
I have always had more girlfriends than boy friends. Growing up, I also felt that I couldn’t be myself around boys, especially if I was attracted to them. Gradually I grew more comfortable around guys, but was always able to make friends with girls more easily.
Which is part of the reason I HATE these shows that pit women against each other! Or movies in which the mean, pretty (usually blond), popular girl gets her comeuppance form the nice, pretty, not-as-popular (usually brunette) girl. The movie ends with the nice girl getting everything she wants, including the guy and popularity, while the other girl is left crying and alone. Because, what, there’s only room for one girl?!?!? Is that the message we’re sending now? Get more than one female in a room and catfights will commence?
Sometimes I wonder: if a person fell into a coma in 1961 and woke up today, would they even know that the Womens’ Movement had ever happened!
This is such a beautiful post!! Thank you so much for posting!
Good form! I think that my most important women are my Mom, my sisters, then my online community and my at home friends. Women are supportive and loving. Women are so so strong.
You have been a great example of this here on your blog! Thanks for being an ambassador.
Charlotte, thanks for this post.
Growing up, I had my fair share of both guy friends and girl friends, but somewhere along the way I lost the girlfriends. Many turned things into a competition that I didn’t want to be involved in, so we separated ways. For the past few years I’ve been wishing I had more female friends but I’m always unsure how to find/make them! It was so easy in school, but now it’s a difficult thing to do.
Charlotte, thanks for another beautiful post– and thanks, too, for providing another opportunity to reflect on and (feel grateful for) all of the amazing women who’ve made my tough days a whole lot more manageable, and my not-so-tough days a whole lot more fun.
wow, I loved this post! Someone who has influenced my life has been my sister. From battling a rare and deadly cancer at the age of 9, to going on to get 3 degrees in college, and work at the cancer camp she attended as a child, she amazes me with her perserverence (that is actually the title of a book she is in…check it out!!) and faith . she is such a testament to what it looks like for someone to face one battle after another and do it all with grace and dignity. She taught me that life is always going to be messy, but it’s what we do with the messes that really defines us. Sure, it’s easy to be a good person in the good times, and we should still strive to do that, but when our life is rough, THAT is when it is important to hold on to our values and really PERSERVERE!
i’ll always love her for teaching me that. 🙂
Love this.
This is really beautiful! I really am one of those girls who gets along better with guys, but my best girl friend is irreplaceable. I’ve known her since I was 4, so I can’t even begin to express how much she has helped me through, put up with, and shared.
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What an amazing post! I have always done better with girls. I guess the pressure of boys & boyfriends made it too stressful for me. I got girls better. I think I have had influential women & men but more women than men… my dad was a big influence along with all the women in my life.. friends included!
I AM one of those girls who doesn’t really get along with other girls. I’m not sure why…I guess I’m always afraid that girls won’t like me. I really want more female friends (especially after reading this!) and I think the only thing I can do is put myself out there and be nice.
Guy friends are great but girl friends are special. 🙂
This was a simply wonderful post. I have always gotten along with both genders and if I don’t like a person, its usually not a gender thing, more of a ‘you are a suck monkey’ kind of issue.
I wish I had more female friends. I wish I could say that in my experience women do not back-stab each other mercilessly and ditch their friends just to chase after their latest guy. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy having women friends and get along with women fine, but in my experience, it was my guy friends who were always there for me if I needed a friend, wanted to talk, or just needed to hang out with someone. They also made great work-out buddies, encouraging me without getting catty-competitive. I have had so-called women “friends” blatantly flirt with my then-boyfriends…in front of me! WTF? (The absolute worst is a group of women all competing for who can be skinniest!) Now it is my husband who is always there for me no matter what. What I dislike most about many women I know is how nasty they can be, like if I say how someone is really fit or looks good for her age, they immediately have to slam that person down. Maybe part of my problem with women friends is that I’m shy…or that I’ve always moved around so much…or that I’m a tomboy at heart and can’t relate to girlie things (make-up, shopping,etc….ewww), or that I have no sisters and my mom and I have a weird relationship. So, I envy you for all your close female friendships! This was a beautiful post and made me realize what I have been missing.
such a great post. i’m not even going to go into how much i agree. except that i don’t really have many close girl friends. (not playing the pity party, just sayin’). i work into the evenings, so every time a moms group is getting together, I work. and if i do get off in time to stop by for 30 minutes, i’m too exhausted. my mornings are either work or just hard to connect with others. i usually go to work around noon, so by the time we meet up, i have to leave again. i know i’m makng excuses and i need to just make it happen. i need to sometimes say no to work and yes to other things. i need some good healthy friendships.
Thank you! Lately I’ve been struggling with relationships lately, mostly with my family. Family… so much more than blood. I don’t know what I would do without my extended family. Thank you for reminding me that regardless of how many miles away I am, my friends and family are always with me.
Love this post Charlotte, and as much as I love my husband, I NEED my girls. Girl time is very important – don’t know what I’d do without it!
Love this, beautiful post. Honestly? I’m more comfortable around dudes since I’ve emerged from college. Working in the game industry, I’m around them all day, and not to say that I don’t have girls for friends, but they’re wives/girlfriends of our guy friends. Burping, farting, sex jokes, etc – bring it on. It’s weird, because before I got out in the real world… I had LOTS of girlfriends. I guess since then I’d just rather have a drinking and gaming buddy than someone that wants to try to get me to get a pedicure and go to tupperware parties or somethin’. 🙂
However, I do have a good few girls that I know I could go to if I needed them. Just more guys than girls…
My mom has been a great influence on me. But for the most part, all my close friends are guys. I don’t have many girlfriends because I do find them catty and full of drama etc etc. Sometimes I definitely wish I had closer girlfriends to chat with etc but I just never jive personality-wise. It stinks sometimes.
I just love your posts. You are wonderful, thank you for YOU! I am passing this to all my sisters back East!
Thanks so much for this lovely post, Charlotte. I’ve spent too much time in my life denying my girl-hood and berating myself for being overly emotional, sentimental, teary, and all those other things. I love the reminder that those very things are our strengths, not our weaknesses. Love you, and all of you who have read this post and found yourselves in it. Hugs and happy/sad tears from me.
*love*
I have seven women in my life for whom my phone is always on,
my door always open,
and for whom I would fly across the world if one of them needed me.
I love my sisters.
So beautifully put, Rebecca! Thank you:)