Yeah, you totally wouldn’t want to do this move with your girlfriend. Especially if she’s the shirtless one.
Starting out with the line, “I’ll admit that there may be some good reasons to bring along your significant other when you hit the gym, like providing her with the opportunity to do something about the hail damage on her a**” makes it clear from the get-go that writer James Fell is doing his best to provoke us women-folk into harpy shrieks and mascara-stained histrionics over his article “Don’t Bring Her to the Gym” for Askmen.com. But even though he does his best to sound like your typical meathead misogynist, I think he actually makes a good point. Even if it is for all the wrong reasons.
Do you work out with your significant other? I don’t. And other than the occasional race where we’re joined by Gym Hubby or Sensei Don’s yearly drop-in to TurboKick, none of the Gym Buddies do either. In fact, outside of races, I can’t think of a single one of my friends male or female who works out with their SO. It’s not just a timing issue – many times Gym Hubby and I will be in the gym at the same time and we still don’t workout together. Why is this? Fell makes the case that his wife, whom he admits has a black belt in karate and could probably kick his undimpled a**, seriously cramps his gym style – which he compares to a religious experience and then goes on to talk about sex for three paragraphs making me wonder exactly what church he’s been going to. But anyhow, here’s my take on his six reasons:
1.“You can’t check out the babes.” Good. Then we don’t have to worry about our husbands/boyfriends getting jealous when the men check us out. Not that we court the attention but, as demonstrated by Fell, there is a certain sexual tension in the gym. The other day I was recounting a story to my sister of how a strange man approached Gym Buddy Allison and I at the gym to say, “I hope I don’t sound creepy but I’ve really been enjoying watching you for the past half hour.” (My answer: it wasn’t creepy until you just said that.) and my sister replied, “You are the only person I know who has stuff like that happen!” While I’d like to think I’m the foxiest girl on the weight floor (so not the case), alas it’s just endemic to any mixed-gender gym. Some gyms have more of that meat-market mentality than others and thankfully ours is pretty chill most of the time. But it does make finishing our workout harder if our man doesn’t want us to do our glute-hamstring bridges because the hip thrusting might attract attention.
2.”She’ll check out the babes and ask how she compares.” This one’s easy to solve. Stop answering her. I learned a long time ago not to ask my husband these questions because he answers “I love you.” every time without fail. Even when it makes no grammatical sense. You know who will answer me? My girlfriends. And they know how to answer in a way that is both honest and kind because they can empathize with my insecurities. (They also know when to tell me to stop comparing myself to other people and get to work.) Also, if we’re not working out with our significant others then we’re not worried about them checking out the gym babes and therefore we don’t feel the need to compare. As much.
3. “She’ll distract you” [by asking stupid weight-lifting questions or otherwise trying to chat you up]. Not to play to stereotypes as I know people of both genders who don’t fit into these molds but I think that more women than men like to talk to each other during their workouts. And that’s fine. The Gym Buddies and I love that our workout time doubles as our social time and we make good use of it. Gym Hubby does not like it when I do this and I respect that. By not working out with him.
4. “She won’t listen to you anyway” [thereby starting fights that carry over to home]. I could make the case that this goes both ways. People of both genders generally don’t like unsolicited advice and it can come out sounding more like criticism than help, especially when it comes from a loved one. He makes the case that personal trainers are a neutral third party who can advise your SO without endangering the relationship. I agree. You – either of you – don’t want to put yourself in the position to be rebelled against if your SO gets frustrated with the workout. The personal trainer is getting paid to take that kind of crap from people.
5. “You’ll see her at her worst.” Fell says that watching his woman push through a really sweaty workout is a turn-off (although I know quite a few men who would disagree) adding, “Seriously, do you really want to see her pit stains and smell her B.O.?” But honestly I don’t really want my husband seeing me looking like drowned rat either. Not that he hasn’t seen me at my worst – stomach flu, 2004, still have nightmares about it – but hey I still like to look good for him when I can. I also don’t wax my upper lip in front of him. Gotta keep some of the mystery.
6.”You need guy time.” And we need girl time.
Couples do not have to do everything together. It’s great if fitness is a hobby you enjoy together but don’t feel guilty if you’d rather not workout with your significant other. Fell concludes by writing, “The place is my home away from home. I live with my wife and kids, and they’re awesome and I love them, but sometimes I just need to get the h*** away from everybody. The gym is where family doesn’t intrude, and vice versa. It’s my separate oasis where I go to recharge.” And this is why when people ask me why I first started going to the gym I usually answer, “Free childcare.” Everyone needs a place to escape to sometimes where you can work your emotions out and then come home happier and healthier with more to give to the ones we love so much.
Do you workout with your boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife? Why or why not? For your answering convenience, I’ve embedded a handy poll (click through to see poll if you are reading this in a reader or via e-mail):
He is a jerk- I bet his girlfriend is stoked when he takes his chauvinistic butt off to the gym to perve on all the girls.
I definitely work out with my husband. Maybe it’s because we don’t get a lot of time to spend together (he works out of town) or maybe it’s just that it’s one of the things we have in common, but the both of us love having each other in the weights room.
I don’t worry about him checking out other girls (then again, I’m often the only female *in* the weights room but I don’t think he would anyway) and he’s secure enough to know that while I may talk to one or 2 of the guys there, that I’m definitely not there for a perve, I’m there for me.
We don’t do our entire workout together (sometimes loading a whole heap of plates on and off bars or equipment is just too much of a pain in the a$&e) but I love that I can look over the other side of the room catch his eye and know he’s there. It’s not the same when I work out without him, it’s like a little part of me is missing (yeah, sappy I know, you’d never know we’d been married practically forever :P).
Goodness me, NO! My other half refuses to follow a plan, and just does what ever he feels like doing at that moment. Drives me absolutely bonkers! If you don’t keep track of what you are doing, how ever can you tell if you are improving?
To be fair, I don’t think he wants to work out with me ever again either! The words “workout-dictator” may have passed his lips 🙂
Well, I do think this Fell guy is a jerk, but I answered that it’s *my* time. I work from home (and yup, free childcare with membership is a great perk at my gym, too!) and the hubby can sometimes require some “entertaining” if he’s not totally occupied when he’s home from work. Between him and the kiddo and being at home a LOT of the time, I definitely need it for myself.
That being said, I wish he would join and just go different times. I worry about his health, and I think it’d be good for him to get out and get some positive energy going. Plus, he needs a hobby, LOL! 🙂
There are some “couples” at my gym. Most don’t work out together, and those who do – they are more like “buddies” about it than anything else. . . but. . . there’s the newest ones I noticed. . . pretty sure they don’t mind being noticed. 😉 Yeah. LOL! 🙂
My husband is my best workout partner. We both like the same things and enjoy the time together because he works so much. It probably helps that I’m a personal trainer, so I don’t “distract him” because I already know what I’m doing and , in fact, take the lead in our workouts a lot of the time. He used to get annoyed when I’d correct his form but he’s mostly gotten over that now.
And I my presence certainly doesn’t get in the way of him checking out other women. He does it blatantly and shamelessly right to my face but I’m okay with it, I guess, because most of the time, it’s ME he’s gushing over, bless him. In fact, he’s rubbed off on me enough that sometimes I’ll beat him to the punch and say things like, “Wow, check out her rack!” And I ain’t talkin’ about the weight rack, if ya know what I mean!
I am exceedingly picky about my training partners, regardless of gender, and I think I would likely apply the same logic to a significant other – if not more so. I feel similar to you on a lot of Fell’s points but not entirely… mostly just that I despise talking during my workouts. (Last time I was in the gym, the guy I am talking to came up to me to say hello and tell me about his day and I interrupted him and asked if he could tell me later so I could do my workout LOL. He’s a very good sport.)
yes yes yes.
well lifting anyway.
almost (does the math…) 17 years.
My husband used to come to the gym with me once a week, then he stopped coming at all. Just doesn’t fit into his work schedule. We do have a few husband/wife teams at the Y, and they have a great time together. Sometimes they’re doing their own thing, sometimes they’re in boot-camp together or spotting each other on weights.
I’ll go to the gym with you sexy. You are so fine.
The hubs and I workout together occasionally – he really, really likes me to come to lift with him. I think he’s just (justifiably) proud of the change he’s made in his body and the knowledge he’s developed about lifting and likes to share. Plus, he gets some sort of a charge when he watches me do something I didn’t think I could do (squats, for example.) And it gives me some idea of what he’s talking about when he comes home and talks about what he did today (now I understand why the mixed grip on his deadlifts is so important and that, yes, a 205 deadlift is something to be crowed about.)
On the other hand, I don’t follow a plan like he does and am not ready to commit to one. And there’s no way in hell I’d ever run anything with him – my post today is actually about a race we did “together.” He ran ahead and then kept looking back in confusion at me as I plodded along until I finally got the breath together to say “GO!” and mean it. I had fun on my own and would have cheerfully beaten him to death if he’d kept pace with me and tried to helpfully urge me on with “you can do its.”
While Max and I both bodybuild and both know what we’re doing in the gym, we don’t work out together. In fact if we go to the gym at the same time (which usually doesn’t happen, w work different schedules), we ignore each other til the end of our workouts. #1 it makes it easier to focus on our lifts; #2 neither of us likes being distracted, and #3 my gym time is my ME time. Granted SOMETIMES if there’s something I want to learn — ie how to do hyperexensions with the focus on the hamstrings — I’ll have him teach me quickly and sometimes we spot each other. But that’s it!
When I was married, my husband and I would drive to the gym together in the morning, work out for an hour without seeing each other, then hit the showers and go to work (we worked in the same building). I think we would have just annoyed each other if we tried to talk or something …
Ugh I don’t even know if I can (or should) answer this, Charlotte. The Hubster is the REASON we first started Turbo Kick…and he’s also the reason we went back for a second class… I know my life now would be so different if he hadn’t agreed to try the class and insisted we go back. And I DO enjoy standing near him when we’re fighting because, in my head, HE is my target.
However. Sometimes I regret that we have so many of the same friends, because when we have an outing, and (most of) the other women are getting a night out, away from their husbands, my husband wants to tag along. And while, we usually have fun, and YES, there are other opportunities to go out without him, someimes, I’m irritated by this.
Also, there are times when I am absolutely mortified by him. (I think I’ll just leave it at that.)
Honey, if you’re reading this, I love you! 🙂
We’ve started training for a 10K together, so we do a lot of runs and some gym time. But I do still go to a workout class 1 day a week with my girls 🙂
Jason and I will go to the gym together, but we don’t workout together — unless you count running on two treadmills next to each other. And when we do weights you probably wouldn’t even know that we’re together — except that we have the same water bottles and sometimes match (not on purpose!).
That article author sounds like a total ass.
No, I am a lone workout person plus my hubby likes teams sports & I like to do my own thing without the pressure of a team wanting me to do everything right to win the game. Personally, some of those reasons, who would want that guy anyway. Those guys in the pic, they can stand still, keep their mouths shut & be eye candy for me! The writer too!;-) Keep his mouth shut!
I have tried working out with my husband, but it never works. I think it’s because we’re both very competitive people. He thinks I’m showing off when we do stuff that I’m better at (yoga, pilates), and I get annoyed when he takes off and leaves me miles behind at things he’s better at (biking). It usually leads to sulking or hurt feelings, alas. I’m a true introvert, though, so I don’t mind working out alone. That’s usually when I think of my best ideas or working through problems in my head. So I can understand why Fell wants a “separate oasis where he can go to recharge,” but the rest of his piece reminds me of why I hate girl or guy advice based on the “differences between the genders” — all those obnoxious stereotypes! And I agree with you about how well-meaning advice can sound like criticism to either gender — very true! I hate it when people give me unsolicited advice, or sometimes even solicited advice. And yet, somehow, I love to do that to others!
No, but I am hoping I will with the next one 🙂
Veronica and I would work out more often if we could, but getting to the gym is a tag-team affair where 1 of us watches the kids while the other one works out, then we switch. Of course, Veronica is probably happy we don’t work out together more often, I’d be riding her ass more than usual 🙂
We do not lift together – we have different styles and different schedules. We have tried to bike together but he can go so much faster that I just end up yelling at him to just go ahead and stop making me feel like I am ruining his workout – I never believe him when he says it is not a problem. We play tennis together but again, he is much better than I am that it tends to get me down. I do want him to try Bikram Yoga with me because I think that might finally be one thing we can do together.
Yes, he makes some good points. Yes, he is still a butthead. When did it become OK for guys to write about not just women, but their own wives like they’re idiotic, pains in the (large) a**es? He ends the article by saying he hopes his wife doesn’t read it. I hope, for his sake, that that’s the case, or she WILL kick his behind!
It’s not just here, but also magazines like (lord help us) “Men’s Health.” The writers complain so much about their wives/girlfriends that they start to sound like my 85 year-old Uncle Saul, who’s only pleasure in life, other than a good pastrami, is complaining.
Gee, your wife has had 3 kids and is over 40, works full time, and has to deal with an idiot like you, and for some reason she doesn’t look the same now as she did when she was 25? Maybe if you gave up some of your precious gym time to take care of the kids, she’d have time to work out too!
And BTW, I dare that guy to come to my Pilates class: It will whip his behind. But in a soothing, gentle, kind way, of course!
yes, we do… and i’ll tell you why.
all those reasons that knucklehead listed, none pertain to us. he could care less about checking out girls, he knows i don’t compare myself to other girls in the gym, i don’t ask questions and it’s time of us to have together. but we are probably different than most couples. we’ve been training together for …. 11 years.
we are competitive powerlifters, so training together is crucial. we help each other, give advice, correct each other, etc. i’m a sports performance and strength coach, so….. and he knows just as much, if not more than i do!!! so, we work pretty well together! 😉
Zliten and I are essentially inseparable. I consider time alone time when he and I are together. I miss him when he’s in the other room.
However, the one exception is the gym. We tend to bicker if we train together and try to talk. We have made some strides in the last year – we take a core fitness class together Mondays (but the cardio 30 mins before we do our own thing). Sometimes we’ll ride together. Occasionally I’ll come up with a circuit and we’ll do it together. Most often though? I like to be buried in my music and thoughts.
However, I ALWAYS come run him in at races and we run all adventure races together. It’s kind of a tradition.
The gym employees think its so funny when my husband and I end up being in the gym at the same time. We sure wouldn’t know it! Once a gym employee said, “Maid Marion, did you know that Robin Hood is here?” 🙂 Of course, I didn’t know! My husband is the most random gym goer I’ve ever met!!!
My husband doesn’t work out. I like being able to do my own thing when it comes to workouts – my choice of activity is often based on how I feel or how much time I have. On the other hand, if my husband wanted to start working out together, I would do it just because I wish he would exercise and take better care of his health.
Also, that Fell guy does sound like a jerk.He might make some good points, but I don’t care for the way he said it, even if it is deliberate/for effect.
My husband and I occasionally work out together, either jogging together or doing a workout DVD together at home, but I find that he kind of cramps my style. I am much more disciplined when it comes to my workouts and I take them much more seriously than he does, so while for me this is a serious endeavor for him it’s just a fun time to run around and chit-chat. There’s NOTHING wrong with his approach AT ALL and under non-workout circumstances, I love that my husband is so talkative, but *I* am the one with the history of obesity, not him, so I need to get down to business. It’s not playtime for me.
Also, a lot of times he will say “Oh, let’s go for a jog together!” and I’ll be up for it. We’ll agree on a time, I’ll get ready and he… he’s not ready. So, okay, let’s wait another hour. Another hour passes and he’s STILL not ready. I’m just like… I love you, my dear husband, but I don’t have time for your procrastination, put your sneakers on right now, or I’m going by myself.
Yes my hubby and I work out together. We go to Pilates and spin classes and do weights/boxing/cardio together. We go on walks together. I do workout at home alone as well but we really enjoy our time together. Kev pushes me to new levels and I really appreciate that.
Brent and I work out together when we can. He is so busy he just has a hard time fitting in workouts and he has sort of come to rely on me to help him get his workouts in. He also likes that he doesn’t have to think about what to do b/c I write our workouts. He has enough on his plate running his business to have to think about that.
I love working out with my husband. Between the Navy and the kids, we rarely see each other as it is. I couldn’t imagine spending another 2 hours without him.
Neither my boyfriend or I have gym memberships, so we don’t work out at the gym. We do some workouts together, but most I do alone simply because he hates cardio and I like running.
The workouts we do together are strength training, hiking and snowshoeing. These times are great bonding times for us. We have awesome conversation, a little competitiveness and lots of support for one another.
No matter what, he’s my biggest cheerleader, even if he doesn’t like working out very often.
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