Courtesy of the State of Georgia’s new childhood obesity campaign
Three hours of hysterical sobbing, a whole box of kleenex thrown and self-inflicted eye poking (yes, really) is what my third grader did when I assigned him a second sheet of math problems after he lied to me about having homework so he could go play with a friend after school. I am well aware that kids often do not do what we want them to. But then if parenting was meant to be easy they would’ve given us the user manual in the hospital. Instead we do everything we can to help them grow up to be decent human beings, half the time wondering if this is all a cosmic joke and somewhere God is chuckling while my children publicly humiliate me. (Truly, you need to click through that link.) Which is why a recent comment by Reader Emma on my Selling Weight Loss to Children post made me want to fly across the country to hug her (and also giggle – read her last paragraph). She writes,
So my daughter is in the “at risk for overweight” category, and at 13 is approaching my weight and wearing my clothes, even though I’m almost 6 inches taller. She recently gave me some clothes she grew out of! Her doctor has said to “keep an eye on it.” For 3 years we have “watched” and talked and talked while she continues to gain. Even though this category does not pose a health risk (and even may be somewhat healthier according to some of Char’s favorite studies) charlotte’s note: I think she means this, SHE wants to lose weight so she feels more confident, so she can stand out for being exceptional, not for being chubby. So HOW do I handle it when it’s not a health concern, but a cultural and self-esteem concern? When it is completely and only about looks and confidence? She eats healthy like we do, she moves, she just eats too MUCH. We talk a lot about this issue and about portion sizes. However, I am slowly beginning to accept that even though she is just a child, I can control what I provide to go in her mouth, and to some extent how much, but at the end of the day she is not me and is in charge of her own body.
I hate dealing with this! Someone give me a not creepy book recommendation on how to talk to girls about body issues and losing weight. At what point do we get more controlling and how? She is getting frustrated and discouraged, and I am ill equipped to deal with it anymore. We have obviously not helped her in the past 3 years doing our best, and need to up our game.
I don’t have teenagers. I haven’t been a teenager in…late-night-math-is-hard…13 years. I also don’t have kids that are overweight (not through any genius parenting on my part, for the record – they got Gym Hubby’s hummingbird metabolism). So I’m probably the last person to give advice on this and yet I hear about this issue a lot – from other parents, from the kids themselves in my role as a teacher, from the media – so I’m going to try. And I hope that you will do me better in the comments!
What NOT To Do To Help Your Child Lose Weight (All of which Emma already doesn’t do, I am quite sure – I just feel the need to restate it.)
1. Don’t publicly shame them. Georgia – the state with the 2nd highest rate of childhood obesity – recently launched this campaign. (See above pic.) These poor kids. It’s like being the “Valtrex guy” except worse because I think most people would rather have a life-long sexually transmitted infection than be obese. A popular radio show host was discussing this a few mornings ago and said something tantamount to, “If they stole someone’s bike of course you’d shame them! You want them to feel bad! That’s how people change. Same thing with fat kids. You gotta call them on the carpet.” Not only is that mean but it’s not effective. Sure people can be shamed into losing weight… in the short term. And possibly end up hating you or themselves and/or getting an eating disorder. Which leads to point #2:
2. Tell them they’re “bad.” Fat is not a morality issue. Eating fast food may be a bad choice but it’s not a sin. Gaining weight may not generally be healthy but it’s not evil. Being overweight does not make someone lazy, dirty, dishonest or even necessarily unhealthy. Especially with children we need to teach them that they are wonderful miraculous beings no matter what they look like. Period.
3. Talk about fat all the time. Whether you’re critiquing your own thighs in front of your kids or laughing at a celebrity with red circles around her cellulite on a magazine cover, you’re sending a message that people’s bodies are open for commentary.
4. Buy them Skecher’s Shape-Up shoes. You know those wobbly shoes that are so aggressively marketed to women, telling us that by being chronically off-balance we’ll have trimmer thighs and bouncier butts? (It’s scientifically not true but even if it were, all of us who’ve been wobbling around in high heels all our lives would have magnificent legs.)
Well now those shoes come in kid sizes – “preschool and grade school” sizes, to be precise. (Thanks to Turbo Jennie for the tip.) First, those things are $75.00! Who buys their kid $75.00 shoes? (Don’t answer that.) Second, the TV spot shows dysmorphic cartoon girls being chased by this:
Yes, boys dressed up like junk food. If that doesn’t send a thousand mixed moral messages, I don’t know what does.
5. Don’t ban treats. There’s a place for everything and as most of us know, telling someone they can never eat another Caramello bar will only drive them straight into its gooey chocolately arms for a farewell deep throat kiss.
What TO Do To Help Your Child Lose Weight
As Emma pointed out, the issue is not so simple. In fact, if you’ve ever been “the fat kid”, you know how painful this situation can be. So here are a few things to try.
1. Set a good example. This one seems like a “duh” but grown-ups are just as susceptible (maybe more so?) to the siren call of sweets as kids. Children are not dumb, they see what we do and they hear what we say and the former means much more than the latter. So make healthy eating taste good and make exercise look like fun and not like a chore – – it can be done! Take them shopping with you, let them help cook, make family time active time.
2. Manage their environment. Sure you can’t remove all temptation and kids will figure out how to go around you if they’re really motivated but often kids will eat something just because it’s there. They’re bored, Little Debbie is on the shelf at their eye level so they eat it. Keep clean food in your house and make treats special. This will likely require getting everyone in the house on board. I’ve heard people say, “Well my other kids aren’t overweight so why should they follow the same diet?” Because it shouldn’t be a diet, it should be healthy food and we should all eat food that helps our bodies and minds work at their best whether or not we need to lose weight. Move the fruit bowl off the counter and to the center of the table.
3. Point out the positives. Be their best cheerleader when they run that first mile or eat the first healthy meal they attempt to cook. Praise them for every effort. (No need to go over the top though. Teens can smell a pity compliment a mile away.)
4. Take them to the doctor. Ask to get their metabolism checked out. Most kids won’t have a metabolic issue but it’s worth it to see if hypothyroidism or diabetes or even depression is complicating issues.
5. Ask them questions. Kids are often afraid of things that we adults don’t expect them to be afraid of – what looks like ambivalence or defiance is often fear. So ask your child what they’re worried about and then really listen. Perhaps they’re afraid of being made fun of in gym class so they don’t even try. Or maybe they’re terrified of the pool. Are they being picked on at school? Do they understand what foods are healthy?
6. Within reason, let them make their own choices. Eventually we realize that our kids are their own people and they will make their own mistakes so they can learn and grow from them. Even if it kills us to watch them do it.
I don’t know if I’ve helped Emma out at all – through several e-mail conversations I’ve come to conclude that she’s light years ahead of me in the mothering department – but maybe this will help generate some good discussion and you guys will come up with some good ideas (or just support!) in the comments!
Do you have any suggestions? What do you think of the Georgia ads? What about Skechers for freaking toddlers??
Charlotte this is such an important post. I dont presume to have all the answers (or any!) but I will say that setting good habits/examples from the beginning is key. Once that window has passed, Im sure it’s very difficult to get things back on track..not impossible but very hard. Case in point, the 13 yr old situation.
People talk about picky eaters and kids who wont eat their veggies. Mine would starve if she didn’t eat her veggies (I am joking!!) but in a largely vegetarian household, it’s a staple and not eating them is just..not an option.
At any age, my hubs was 40 when we met and 50 lbs overweight with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc and “didnt like vegetables”. Fast forward to now, 12 yrs later, he lost 50 lbs over time, all his other stats are normal, and he likes veggies.
Keep serving healthy foods, keep offering, keep setting good examples.
Hang in there Emma and great post, Char!
I guess
Hey lovely!
I was a heavier infant, chubby kindergarten/first-grader, and then I grew up and evened out.
I think weight as a child fluctuates. I wonder if the child would be affected by their parent trying to help them lose weight. Had my parents helped me lose weight (even if I wanted them to) I feel fairly confident it would have fed into the insecurities I had later in life – insecurities that helped feed into an eating disorder.
I would probably suggest if the mother does anything that she applies it to the whole family and without saying that that’s what she’s doing. Go on family walks. Prepare meals together that have healthier ingredients, etc.
Just my thoughts as a non-parental unit.
Good point about the stages! My mom (an RN) always says “kids need to grow out before they can grow up” – that was totally me from like 11-13…
Yet another post of yours make me realize what a great mom you are and what a bad mom I would be. This is all just too complicated!
I know from growing up that I craved sweets and sodas because I wasn’t allowed to eat them at home (not for weight or health reasons, but they were just too expensive!) but that other people who had constant access to them also craved them. So, I really have no advice.
Why am I commenting then? To tell you that the article you wrote made me cry tears of laughter. Your kids are as funny as you are!
My sister-in-law (who I idolize, she is an amazing mom) went through something like this. They did some simple things like packing up dinner once everyone was served (no access to seconds), eliminating snack foods from the house and only allowing fruits and veggies between meals. There other kids complained, but they never said why they were doing it or blamed it on their daughter. They also started doing some activity (board game, homework, bike ride, etc) immediately after every meal to get everyone away from the kitchen & fridge. Then they were just patient and consistent. It took some time, a year or more I think, but now she is a beautiful young woman who was Prom Queen her senior year! So hang in there Reader Emma, it sounds like you are doing all the right things 🙂
P.S. Charlotte your kid post was FABulous!
Those are great suggestions – it is so important NOT to talk about the weight issue with the child while making those small changes, because singling the child out could lead to either binging in secret/emotional eating or the opposite, an eating disorder like anorexia.
Skechers Shape-Ups for kids =REALLY bad idea!!!!
Comparing a child who is heavy to a child who steals a bike = ridiculously ignorant!!! So overeating is CRIMINAL?!?!?! If a child is fat they SHOULD be ashamed and ridiculed?!?!?! I REALLY hope that DJ doesn’t have kids (and never will).
I wouldn’t be surprised if, like you pointed out, there’s some underlying depression and/or anxiety with Emma’s daughter. I was a very anxious kid, and my weight fluctuated all over the place. 13 is such a difficult age (especially these days), and there might be some generalized anxiety if not something specific.
Good luck!!!!!
That article about your kids was SOOOO funny!!!
Shape Ups for kids??? They shouldn’t even make them for adults. 🙂
I was a “chubby” almost overweight kid who went through puberty early and then developed into an obese teen and an adult who fluctuates from being borderline average to obese. I wish someone had helped me with my weight. It’s super hard to be overweight as a teenage/college aged female.
Encouraging your child to be active for fun and not weight loss is a great idea. . . no matter what that activity is. It was implied by several people I was too “big” to be in dance/dance team and so physical activity horrified me. I hated it. Having a cheerleader would have helped a ton.
Also, lose the sweets and treats at home. Don’t stock them at all – only buy them for special occasions or parties, or enjoy while on vacation/out to eat once a week. For a young girl going through puberty soon, the whole stress eating thing may come into play, too, so setting a good example is also key.
Good luck Emma! You sound like a great mom!
Excellent article Charlotte ! And I think very important. I noticed that one of the comments about the 13yo was that she lacked self confidence. One thing I’ve found to be a great self confidence booster is some form of martial art. You gain confidence that you can look after yourself, and incidentally you’re also getting great exercise (without it being about exercise), and you learn a lot about yourself and how to interact with others. If she’s being bullied at school that may also drop off, as she gains confidence, she’ll walk differently and give off a different ‘vibe’. Bullies always pick up on that and tend to back off. I can’t do martial arts any more but I’d recommend it to anyone who needs a confidence boost.
The best thing I have ever done for my children is teach them to cook. From an early age they got see that real food is made from ingredients! Not just taken out of the packet and popped in the microwave or bought at a fast food outlet. We still eat cake and desserts but we make them from scratch, I know they still have the same calories but I think it helps you look at food in a different way, its not just a quick fix.
My kids are teenagers now and I don’t have the same control over them but I feel that they have enough food education that can help them make the right choices most of the time.
It is so hard knowing if you are ever doing the right thing, and it can be tough for overweight kids who often see their friends eating the same junk but staying slim – life is just not fair sometimes.
I feel for her daughter. Heck, I WAS her daughter. The physical comparison to mom issue, especially at thirteen can be very traumatizing.
I’m the same height as my mother, but get my sturdy build from my father. I never ever ever was going to be able to fit into the same clothes my mom wears as an adult. Physically impossible. I don’t think my mom actively shamed me, but I remember so many issues when it came to shopping for clothes that I hated it. It was so clear that I was substandard, whether she said it or not. Add to that the guilt I felt b/c my mother made such a big deal out of trying to help me.lose weight (I went to my first WW meeting when I was 13).
I would kill to get the body back I had before I went on my first diet. Seriously. “Chubbiness” at 13 is not a crime, and will probably resolve itself if there is healthy food available, she’s given opportunities to move, and someone takes the pressure off of her.
I think her Mom should definitely consider that it isn’t an issue of willpower at all. There probably is an underlying reason why she’s either overeating at mealtimes or sneaking food. Chances are, the food issue is masking the real problem, and focusing on the food issue is only likely to make it worse.
I have 3 daughters aged 21, 19, and 13, so I do have a little experience in this area. First, buy Seventeen Magazine and find out what health foods are in it and buy the exact foods that she says she would eat.
Next, go to Target or other similar store and let her pick out a cutely designed salad plate and matching bowl that are a little smaller in size than your normal kitchen dishes for portion control.
Then put the snack foods out of sight and, preferably, up on a high shelf that takes work to get to it. In place, put out beautiful Pink Lady apples and some bananas in a pretty bowl.
Lastly, be a role model with food, but also a role model that schedules shopping trips for new slimmer clothes when little goals of 5 or 10 pounds lost are met.
🙂 Marion
I just have to say that I love your ideas to make the changes fun and exciting! You sound like a great mom to your daughters!
This hits very close to home for me as I was an overweight child up until the age of 13. At my high of 5’2 / 160+, I was obese. For me, I had to make the decision to do it myself. I was tired of being made fun of (mostly behind my back, but I knew it happened), and I spent a lot of free time daydreaming of what it would be like “when I was skinny.”
I don’t remember exactly what flipped the switch, but one day I decided my time would be better spent walking than daydreaming. I got out the door and walked around my block 5 times (4.5 miles), then I started doing this everyday. I drank only water (I never liked soda, but drank lots of fruit juice). I don’t remember changing my diet drastically, but I did start eating salads which I hadn’t in the past. When my family drove to the local beach club I would walk the mile and meet them there and then walk home as well. I also remember rollerblading circles around my basement while watching TRL on MTV 😀
I did most of this during the summer between 8th and 9th grade and lost 40 lbs.
My best advice would be to start going on walks with your daughter, maybe after dinner, it will be good quality time with your daughter and is a great habit to form. Food is a tricky subject to bring up and I think many commenters touched on that subject. The best thing to do is make sure healthy options are easily available.
My suggestion is to talk with your daughter about her goals–make sure they are realistic and then talk about how to go about healthily reaching them. This is such a critical age and it would be best to keep her goal to lose weight in the framework that she’s learning to eat healthier portion sizes or that maybe with a little less weight on her frame, it will be easier to stay/get in shape for sports when she gets to high school. I also agree that after dinner walks are a GREAT idea. With the summer coming up too, perhaps there is a summer sport league to join or she could sign up to do a 5k with you that you train for together.
I think it’s great you are thinking about how to respond in advance and being so thoughtful about it. It’s hard to grow up these days with a healthy dose of self esteem and confidence!
What a wonderful post about a touchy subject. My boys are not overwight or even chubby, so I don’t pretend to understand the emotional aspect of what this mother is going through – however, we have recently started a gluten free diet in our house due to my son’s sensitivities to gluten. Initially it was just J eating the gluten free foods and snack and then I realizied – no! we are in this together. he eats gluten free -then we all eat gluten free. This decision has made such an impact on our diets, our behaviors, our bond as a family. My suggestion for this mom is to clean out the pantry – with her daughter. Show her how certain foods are better choices than others (never bad foods-that gets too sticky) show her the benefit of everyone eating healthy, everyone going on bike rides or long walks/hikes. And yes, show her that going to get a frozen yogurt sundae isn’t the end of the world – it’s just not an every day thing. Teaching her now will only help her be a well rounded , moderate eater as an adult. Beauty is in her strengths, her courage and her creativity – teach about the foods and then focus on HER. Sending much love and encouragement from here. Good luck
K
Wow this is a tough issue.
I’ve noticed a lot of parents give their young kids adult sized portions….and then make them eat it all. I give my two kids portions appropriate for their size. I do have a rule that they have to finish veggies but I let them stop eating when they are full.
I saw a mom with her daughter at McDonalds recently (they girl looked about 10 and was overweight). The girl was watching the kids play and her mom kept telling her she had to finish her (huge) serving of food before she could go play. I really wanted to say something but figured there would be no one to say something without coming off as rude. I’m sure the mother was well meaning but she was essentially force feeding this little girl a huge portion of junk.
I think most people do have food issues of some kind. But kids aren’t born with them or doomed to develop them. I never talk about weight/size/etc. in front of my kids. My own mother was constantly critiquing other womens sizes when I was growing up and now I struggle with the mentality that I have to be thin to be acceptable.
Couple of key points that I’d start with:
(1) Drinks are not sweet, sweets are sweet – Cut out all sweet drinks, including sodas, diet sodas, fruit juices. If they are “naturally sweetened” they just have too much sugar (typically 10g/100ml). With “healthy” agave sirup they might have less sugar, but it is fructose which is even worse. And sweeteners – you can make your own decision on this, but I’d just ban them altogether. So if thirsty, drink water.
(2) Significantly reduce sugars, and especially fructose. I’d say 50g fructose / 100g sugars is plenty (and this includes all sugars, including those from fruits – and no, this does not mean that fruits should be replace with biscuits; eat less biscuits)
Those two are probably uncontroversial. I personally would also add:
(3) Cut out all vegetable oils – The argument here is the Omega 6 / inflammatory argument made well by Kurt Harris or Barry Sears
(4) Educate (age-appropriate) on macro-nutrients and calories. Make a food diary for one week, just to see what a muffin does to those stats…
Not a mom myself, but I was an overweight teenager. I’ve been thinking about this lately (since I have nieces and nephews who are entering their teens), and I think two things would have really helped me:
1. NO criticism at all. Girls are beautiful at any size, and you can have confidence at any size. Buy her clothes that fit her. Buy her clothes that make her feel good. Don’t worry about what size the clothes are, what difference does it really make? My mother was always trying to squeeze me into a smaller size, so that I was not only uncomfortable, but I looked worse. If you aren’t a fashionista (I’m not), then get help from someone who is. Women love to shop for other women.
2. Get her involved in more exercise, but not with the goal of losing weight. Find something fun to do. I took piano and I was in the Student Government Association (oh, and chorus). I seriously regret never even trying any sort of sport. Team sports might be a bit much, but there are still tons of things to get out and do.
All of this, plus de-emphasizing food might have helped me. But, like I said, I’m not a mom myself, so it’s hard to know exactly what to do.
That is so true about the size thing – so many women get hung up on the tag size, no matter their weight/body type!
I’ve been through this/am going through this with my daughter who is 10 and well into the body changing phases of puberty. I don’t remember having trouble balancing my weight before starting my period, but my daughter has been struggling with this for a year or so now. My best advice is to talk openly with our kids about nutrition and why it’s important (to grow well and strong, to be able to do the physical things we want to do, to feel good and confident in our own skin) and to set the right example. And that we DO have quite a bit of control over most of what they put in their mouths until they’re old enough to be not home for most meals anymore. It’s hard and it takes some tact to not make them feel bad if they overeat, but to a large degree we can supervise how much and what they’re eating. Stop buying junk. I don’t buy any anymore and my entire household is healthier and slimmer because of it.
It’s a hard subject because we do have the power to accidentally mess up our kids, girls especially, by the things we not only say but do in front of them. I actually wrote an essay for a class on the subject recently, and how I didn’t realize my own obsessing over my weight and diet was completely messing up the way my daughter thinks and would think about herself. But if we also just ignore it and say nothing and let them make all their own food choices, we’re putting their health at risk. It’s a hard line to find and walk on.
I think you give good advice Charlotte — I have a sort of spin off question though. What can you do (if anything) if it isn’t your child? Jason has a 10 year old cousin who is very active with figure skating and dance and she is obese. I’ve caught her eating in secret (I didn’t say anything to her, I only noticed her doing it) and her parents do all of the things you mention to NOT do. Shame her in public, talk about her being “bad” — and as sad as this sounds, I recently told Jason that I’m surprised they haven’t bought her those shape up shoes!
I don’t know what to do — I want to talk to her parents but is this any of my business?
Sorry this was kind of off topic but I couldn’t help but think about her when I read this post.
Honestly, I realize this may be a little troublesome, but I believe you should talk to the girl directly. Calling someone on their parenting is a surefire way to piss them off, and more, I think it will be more effective to talk to her yourself. For her to know that someone thinks she’s doing great will mean so much; and you could point out that for her to love her body is a solid choice, no matter what anyone else says.
So many good suggestions! Where were you all when I was going through this? My mother compared us (she was 5’1″ and very petite her whole life…I was 3+ inches taller and never petite), she portioned out food (guess who developed a binge eating disorder by 13?), and she ridiculed (yea, the BED moved to anorexia later).
As a parent I encouraged an active lifestyle and access to healthy treats in the hopes of having a different outcome. Seems to have worked, whether because of or in spite of my best efforts 🙂
And me? Well, once I decided that I was the boss of me, everything evened out. Only now, many years later, as the thyroid is going claws up, have I had problems again, but I am the boss of me and I will struggle for a while and be fine.
Obesity is probably the toughest issue affecting most children worldwide. All of your tips are correct and will lead to changes within your family’s structure and hopefully its waistline too. I would include working with your child’s relationship with food which will help build your child’s confidence and self-worth. Most people, including thin adults, have a love-hate relationship with food. ‘Inspirational’ quotes like ‘Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’ can change how you unconsciously relate to food. Make sure your child understands that food is his body’s fuel and as such it must always be the best. This Parks and Recreation clip displays it best and it’s funny too http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tiTVt24nwk. (Boom! That’s spaghetti) comparing food to gasoline is a great example: unleaded gas will keep your car running but it’ll end costing more because it will ruin your car’s parts; just like fast food and unhealthy eating habits ruin your organs. Your body deserves a better treatment than your car.
I don’t have any kids (just a bazillion nieces and nephews) but just thinking about the issue, and comparing when I was in grade school and few kids were obese to today, I wonder if maybe physical activity is the main difference. When I was a kid, my friends and I ate sweets, junk food, processed crap, and I’m sure it was bad for us, but we didn’t get too heavy. But, we went out to play whenever we could. We rode our bikes around our neighborhood and ran around at recess. I’ve noticed that nowadays I almost never see kids just running around playing like that. Maybe parents are afraid to let them outside or maybe the kids would rather be playing video games.
Another thought that crossed my mind is that if an overweight child is taking any medications, the parent might want to check to see if weight gain is a side effect. Psychotropic medications, especially, can cause weight gain and more and more kids are on them. I actually read an article about this once, about a kid who gained a ton of weight after being put on Zyprexa because his mother couldn’t “control” him. But that’s a whole other topic.
great post! this is such a heartbreaking issue, and one that makes me so mad! I’ve seen (and heard) parents berate, degrade, and humiliate their children in public (and lots of times at fast food restaurants! i mean, seriously??)
I was fortunate to have a mother and father who promoted healthy living by example…outdoor activities and tofu were VERY common.
oh and giving a toddler shape up shoes is like giving a drunk person roller skates…sheesh.
Good advice, but I think you’ve missed a very important suggestion. Put them in sports, early. Let them try out many different sports. They may not be a competitive athlete, but it will encourage them to spend their recreational time kicking around a ball or shooting hoops with friends rather than in front of a TV. Team sports also teach a lot of crucial life skills. Therefore, this also needs to be a coupled with a willingness to let kids play outside, which seems to be less and less common these days.
1)I also feel terrible for the kids in that ad! I hope they live in another state where they won’t constantly be exposed to ridicule. Awful.
2)She says her daughter eats the same things as they do, but too much. Do they talk to her about listening to her body’s natural hunger and fullness signals? Or about how sometimes people eat when they feel sad or lonely or bored, and that they can help her learn to do other things besides eat?
I didn’t read all the comments, so I apologize in advance if someone brought this up, but Dr. Oz had a show yesterday about whether or not having obese children should be considered child abuse. And there was a lot of shaming and abuse heaped on parents during that show.
I really think we are better off emphasizing health than weight. Behaviors rather than characteristics. For so many reasons. So thanks for this balanced POV on this powder-keg subject.
Since Emma was specifically looking for books, Ellen Satter is the expert on kids and weight and has written a number of excellent books on this topic. Here’s one: http://www.amazon.com/Your-Childs-Weight-Helping-without/dp/0967118913/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1306342951&sr=8-3
Ha, your article about your kids made me think of my brother who used to share everything with random strangers when he was little. My favorite was to the cashier at the grocery store. “My mom is 40. And she dyes her hair!”
On a more serious note, I think all of the comments here are great. But the problem is sometimes you do everything right (focus on health as a family, don’t buy junk, don’t focus on your child’s weight) and your child still ends up overweight. That’s what happened to me. At that point I think it really does depend on whether or not it’s a health issue. Emma says it’s not and that really stands out to me.
Personally (not having any children) I’d say try to help her not buy into our cultural beliefs that thin is always better and healthier. Help her learn about health at every size, buy her cute clothes, and support her whether she wants to go for a walk after dinner or read a book. Let her know that if she wants to lose some weight you can help her come up some ideas but be her cheerleader whether or not she follows them. Ask her what you can do too. And honestly, if her doctor isn’t worried I don’t know that a growing teen should be trying to lose weight.
Has anyone noticed that in the Skechers commercials for childrens Shape-Ups, the so-called little girls all have boobs? Wow, the messages the media sends out today to young girls are deadly. Be thin, be fashionable, and have breasts by the time you are twelve.
This is an interesting topic! I have 2 daughters, 16 and 18. I used to be overweight 10 years ago, but los t it through diet and exercise and have kept it off the same way. I had hoped to lead by example. The results are interesting. The oldest has battled an eating disorder for the past 5 years. The youngest started working out –by choice–a year ago. She has followed my example (in fact does the same workouts). She is out of bed early and does her workout before going to school every day (I workout every day before work). She makes healthy food choices . She is a healthy girl. She is slim but not skinny–and she has muscles. I’m not sure why the results were so different with the two of them. They are very different people–nothing a like at all. However they both had the same example. I never pushed them to diet or exercise tho I always encouraged moving–biking, sports, etc. And I always offered healthy food–even when I was overweight. “Junk food” was a treat–not kept in our house regularly. So why did one get an eating disorder and the other manages in a healthy way? I wish I knew.
On the other topic–the rocker shoes. That is all I wear. Not for the alleged “toning”–I have 2 plates and 12 screws in each heel , thanks to a drunk driver who hit me head on. Rocker shoes are a miracle. They take the weight off my heels so that I can walk and do a million other things normally. They are a Godsend to people with feet problems. I attribute my ability to live a normal life after such a horrible accident to the creation of those shoes.
For the most part I am afraid that this symptom of our obesogenic society can not be solved woithourt sweeping changes in the way we live.
I do like what Westwood said about sports and outside activity. In many ways, that is what saved me 🙂
I’ve worked with several teenage clients, and it definitely sounds like Emma is doing everything right. For a teenager especially, as Charlotte already mentioned, don’t make a big deal about it, especially in a negative way. And please, please, please, don’t put her on a low-fat diet! This is the worst mistake I see with parents who have all the right intentions in trying to help their children. Especially for a girl this age, simply cutting calories or restricting fat at this age can set her up for reproductive related problems, along with a host of others. Its certainly easier said than done, but making changes as a family will be the easiest way to help without isolating her.
My general advice, especially when cooking for kids/teens, is to get some form of protein (meat, eggs, etc) in at every meal along with a healthy fat (butter, coconut, olive/oil, etc) and tons of veggies. Let fruit be treats, or top it with some homemade whipped cream for after meals. Especially with girls this age, weight gain can often be due to hormone changes and reduced insulin sensitivity. Limiting the sugar and eating it with proteins/fats can help stabilize blood sugar and take the weight off easily. You probably already do, but definitely avoid liquid sugars (soda, juice, etc).
If possible, make the focus about health and make that the reason for making the changes. This will help your daughter have a positive outlook about food and a solid nutritional foundation when she is cooking on her own one day. Also, it frustrates me when doctors put such a focus on strictly the weight aspect, especially as you mentioned that she isn’t in a risk category. Weight is a subject that isn’t fun for any woman, but for a teenage girl at the mercy of hormones, it is torture (I remember!).
Also, if you try to help her incorporate exercise, I’d encourage her to just find an activity that is run, and don’t regulate it. A lot of recent studies are showing that exercise doesn’t have nearly the effect on childhood obesity as we once thought (and certainly not as much of an effect as their “low-fat” soy “enhanced” lunches at schools.
In the end, its very likely that her weight and physique will change itself over the next few years, as putting on a little extra weight during this time is pretty normal.
Ugh! I was a heavier kid & it drove my mother insane. In fact, even now at the age of 40, if she thinks I’m getting bigger than I ought to (for perspective lets point out that 5’4″ and 140 is bigger than you ought to be in her mind) she will do things to support my diet – even if I’m not on one. Sugar free pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving comes immediately to mind – yuck!
My advice would be that to teach portion control you not cook more than a portion should be for the entire family – essentially avoid left overs unless it’s steamed veggies. Make sure that meals provide enough fiber to be filling – serve water with the meals you can.
And – here’s a big one…. get the entire family involved in something that requires extra movement (if it can include muscle building skills all the better); even if it’s bowling on Saturdays or rock climbing on Tuesdays – make it movement orientated and make it fun.
This is a very important post. It puts a bandaid on symptoms to a much larger issues of class. Being poor does not make one obese. But I do believe that if you are in an environment where you never know when or what you’re going to eat next on a consistent basis, that will majorly affect one’s food related behaviors, maybe even physiologically. If you live in a mansion with not-so-nice parents or you are in Section 8 housing with a mom struggling to make it, these will influence your behavior around food. As far as the Georgia thing goes, I think it’s an attack on the poor, based on the classist premises that the poor are not supposed to be indulgent and that they are too ignorant to eat healthy. But hey, if Sally Jo opens a cupcake shop in a gentrified part of Atlanta, she’s just being an entrepreneur! I wish they took that money and spent it on a park (with enough security in a rougher neighborhood), urban farming subsidies, food desert studies (in some places, most stores that accept food EBT debit cards are liquor stores who sell little food stuffs), more social workers, or sex-positive & accurate birth control education. Economics are behind this campaign…’If all the poor people get fat and sick, who’s going to do all the cheap labor?’ (Cheap labor meaning anything under a living wage.) ‘Let’s keep ’em just healthy enough to survive doing a job for $10 or less/hr, but don’t not so unhealthy that we have to pay for all that insulin.’
I wasn’t too rich, wasn’t too poor, but food was my go-to source of comfort. But I am not going to judge myself for the decisions I made when I was 8 or 28. Now that I am comfortable with my body (willing to work with it, not against it) and am getting adequate medical care to help me breathe (yay sinuses!) I’m lucky to live in a relatively safe neighborhood and am more aware of my choices when it comes to finding comfort. It’s a dialectic between acceptance and change. If only we as a society could accept the idea that every one has a right to a safe environment, can we change how we live as a whole.
Georgia census info
http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/13000.html
the Precariat
http://thesocietypages.org/socimages/2011/03/05/the-precariat-the-new-working-class-2/
Jezebel
http://jezebel.com/5804895/overweight-women-earn-less-while-heavier-men-make-more
Both my children are heavier – the poor kids take after me, genetically. I’m sorry to say it has taken me some time to start making important changes in my own life, and part of the reason I am making those changes is because I want to be a better role model for my children. Cutting out the majority of sugary drinks and replacing them with water, stocking more fruits and veggies than treats, and eating at home more are the ways I’m dealing with the food issues, and I’m making the changes slowly. They are changes for all of us. Both kids play sports, but I’m limiting screen time and encouraging more active downtime.
My daughter has been a bit of an emotional bit of flashback for me – I was a heavy kid, as well. She’s asked to do dance and cheer before, and I found myself wanting to tell her no, just because I know the way she’s built, and I had too many dancer friends with eating disorders as a teen. I did let her do a few months, but she found she liked the team sports better, which makes makes me happy, as I feel I would have benefitted greatly, both physically and psychologically from being involved in team sports as a kid.
Sorry for the irritatingly long-winded post – this topic hits close to home.
Oh, boy, is this my field. I used to be your daughter, Emma. Yes I did. I distinctly recall being 5’4″ and 140 lb at age 13, and reading that that was the height and weight of the average adult woman. My mom tried very hard to help me lose weight, in all the ways that Char recommends; healthy, attempting-to-maintain-self-esteem ways. I still, to this day, appreciate how hard my mom has worked to get me to love my body.
But it didn’t work. And although I wanted to lose weight then, I did not have the ability to. When people tried to restrict my eating, I simply ate more, and I would binge, honestly- late at night I would eat all the ice cream in the freezer, or make cookie dough and eat the entire bowl. I was depressed and it was not being managed well.
Here is my wisdom, for what it’s worth: Focus on your daughter’s health. Make sure she is sleeping enough(this was a big thing for me, and for many of my friends- TV and reading were the culprits back then, computers and cellphones are right up there now.) I would definitely encourage her to get plenty of exercise, and specifically I would focus on team sports and on encouraging her to build muscle. You know your daughter best; she might benefit from sports done alone, but even I, the quintessential introvert, got a LOT from the team sports I played in high school. (My high school required sports in lieu of a PE class; I played lacrosse, field hockey and soccer and I was also on the swim team. This made a huge difference in my well-being and in my understanding of my body, although it took years for me to appreciate this.) Sports are terrific because they (typically) provide a happy, social environment where a person can make friends and learn to deal with lots of different issues. I also say that you should focus on building muscle because in American culture, women focus on losing fat instead of on fitness; building muscle can not only have a protective effect against health problems now AND later in life, but more significantly, can help her learn that her body is useful and beautiful in its function and provide her with a source of self-esteem and joy.
That being said, the most important thing you can do for her is fight the dominant culture and protect her mental health. She does not need to change to fit in and to be accepted; her body is not her passport to acceptability. Definitely have her evaluated for signs of depression, and continue periodic checkups for depression and anxiety through her high school years; depression and anxiety ARE treatable, and high school girls are particularly at risk for untreated depression, which can lead to self-destructive attempts to fit in, to rebel against you and your desire for her to be healthy and happy, or to hide her (“unacceptable”) self by skipping school or gaining weight. Please, please consider exploring the world of fat acceptance and HAES, or Health At Every Size. Possibly the best thing you could do for your daughter that involves health care providers and other professionals is to check out HAES resources for body-loving nutritionists, trainers, psychologists and activists. Letting her know that there are people out there who will help her stay healthy without focusing on her fat could be extremely helpful.
You’re in a very special position, a position where you could head off issues that will last her her entire adult life. I consider myself very lucky, even though in my late teens, after I was ripped from the school that I loved and put back in public school, I gained over a hundred pounds in one year in a bout of severe depression. I started failing every subject, even though I did love and still love to learn; I began skipping school every day, and when I did go to school, I slept through every class, getting up only to shamble to the next one. In my early twenties, I began to get a grip on my depression and on my body’s needs; I began running and hooping, and now I love my body and I love to move in all sorts of ways. I love races especially- I’m extra excited about doing Warrior Dash this year! But it took me a long time to get here, and to get over the problems I was coping with in my teen years. I hope your daughter avoids having to deal with even a tenth of the misery I had!
Such a moving post Charlotte! You really covered a lot. I was a fat kid & it is HARD! The teasing & I was even active.
I think setting an example is one of the best things one can do – from early on so they have the knowledge early & it is just like nothing special – it is just what one does…. that is what they learn when you start early exemplifying good habits.
HUGS to all out there struggling with this – kids can be very mean & the internet makes it even harder for kids these days.
PS: Dr. Oz had the show yesterday on child obesity & it was pretty dang interesting! I might write about it & link back here – next week of course cause I am slow writing! 😉
I think your suggestions are great. I would only add that having the child see a nutritionalist may help too. She may feel more empowered if she understands good food choices and portion sizes (from someone other than mom).
This subject is very difficult. Personally, I would wait until the daughter is 16 before attempting to address the weight issue.
The reason I say this is that 13 is a sensitive age, and parents’ good hearted attempts to control their child’s diets at this age can have odd consequences. My mother attempted something similar when I was 12/13, cutting out all sweets, insisting on no snacks between smaller portion “healthy meals” that were fairly high in carbs. The upshot, in hindsight, was that I spent my teens dealing with rapidly fluctuating blood sugar levels that plunged after meals that were five/six hours apart that led me to then secretly binge between meals and develop bulimia — as a result of that bulimia at that age, I am now a good five inches shorter than the rest of my family. The same thing has also happened to my teenage cousin, who now suffers from acute anorexia.
What I would advocate was be serving her a high protein, high veg diet with a low carb/sugar content, and just forgetting about portion control for now — if she is eating too much at meal times, then just consider upping the protein percentage (it is very hard to eat a lot of protein all in one go, whereas it is pretty easy to eat a lot of carbohydrate). Higher protein diets tend to make you fuller for longer, and will address the need to snack.
The problem is that a parent doesn’t really know when and what a child needs to eat. At 13, a child is neither an infant nor an adult, and puberty involves a lot of hormonal changes. There is a danger of restricting a diet at this age and inadvertently making the process of puberty feel worse for the child — you have no idea, for example, whether your daughter eats a lot at meal times because her body changes require a higher level of, say, iron/potassium than you do. To restrict this may be doing more harm than good.
All of your suggestions are good. I am working with my 11 year old daughter now and we are, mainly, watching food and increasing exercise for her and the family. If her daughter is willing to lose weight I makes it even easier. Just be the support system for her.
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Please help me with ideas how t help my dauther t loosr weight, she been trying everything. We go walk 3 days , zumba for 3days and she’s vontroling her food please help
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My daughter is about to turn 11 and has been getting a little “chubby” over the past year. I am not at the “worried” stage, but my husband and I just want to send her in the right direction for her health. We call her our “Hungry Bear” as she has a large appetite for life in general and is a very happy, hardworking, creative and energetic kid. I absolutely adore her 🙂 We have 3 other kids and are both very healthy. We have started to talk about health as a family and instituted some habits for the whole family.
We all drink a big glass of water before every meal and snack. And another big glass before we get seconds at any meal or snack. This is both to make sure we are hydrated and also to allow our bellies to tell our brains if we are in fact still hungry.
We only buy the organic snacks and only use them for school lunches, but we keep them up in the back of our pantry out of sight otherwise.
Fruit and veggies between meals! Sometimes I let them add cheese, nuts or nut butter if I know they’ve had a light lunch or if dinner will be a little extra late.
I am also a counselor and my husband is a psychologist, so we are very in-tuned to the issues of growing up. My daughter still has some parts of her personality that she is working to integrate at this age. Puberty and growth spurts are on the horizon as well as owning her full strength out in the social sphere. We are her cheerleaders for sure, and we want to make sure that she is not turning to food as a way to regulate the uncomfortable feelings that come along with this age. And lots of outlets…horse riding, playing outside and bike riding, guitar lessons, girl scouts, some time alone with each of her parents.
I’ve also had private talks with her about our cultural ideas about food and that, as she grows us, it is, more and more, her job to listen to her body and feel and nourish it according to what it needs…NOT according to what her friends are eating or what is being marketed to her. We are an unhealthy country. It takes some direct education to help our kids see around what it in front of them every day.
There is no reason for her to become a person who struggles with food and weight. She needs help navigating but also she needs to be TRUSTED, that she can get where she is going and that where she is going is amazing.
So far I’ve seen some positive changes since we have begun this plan of action. And, more than that, I don’t feel like I’m being tossed between “don’t say anything or you will shame her” and “oh my god, she’s eating another cookie!”