This is indeed a real cookbook.
Advice columnists have a sweet gig. Basically they get to tell strangers how to run their lives without ever having to deal with the consequences. And yet, as I discovered during my senior year of my Psych degree, I am really really bad at giving advice. Seeing as I generally manage to make easy stuff look hard (Person: “How do you do it all?” Me: “Badly.”) I don’t know why I thought advising people would be any different. I can’t even run my own life with any degree of sanity. So I figured it was a cosmic candid camera when I got the following two e-mails from readers within just a couple of days of each other:
Reader Danielle wrote a comment on my Intuitive Eating Meets the Easter Bunny post asking:
“How do you deal with those who don’t understand your deire to choose healthy options and to eat intuitively ?I feel like”well meaning” friends/family put pressure on me to “pig out”. And I can’t tolerate it psychologically or physically. Help! I’m running out of polite ways of explaining my lifestyle!”
Any person who has tried to maintain a healthy lifestyle in the face of the all-you-can-eat buffet that is our culture can relate to Danielle’s problem. I think we’ve all encountered a social situation where we felt like food we didn’t want (or perhaps food we did want but didn’t want to want – catch that?) was being pushed on us. In the past I used to use my magical excuse of -ism to get me out of it. Veganism, for instance, covers a lot of food bases. You can even knock out sugar with this one because, “Didn’t you know that beet and cane sugar is processed through bone char?!” Look appropriately aghast and most people will leave you alone. But when I started Intuitive Eating – and stopped inventing lifestyles to mask my food restrictions – I had to come up with a better answer than “my lettuce bikini is in the wash.” (Just to be clear: I am not saying that all vegans use their lifestyle to mask eating disorders, only that I did.)
While it’s true that Intuitive Eating is all about giving yourself permission to eat and enjoy whatever food you want – nothing is off limits! – the real genius of IE is that it teaches you to listen to your body and decipher want you want from what you really need. Deb asked on that same Easter post why I was worried about eating the jelly beans in the first place if IE says I can eat them and enjoy them. The nuanced answer is that my mind wanted the candy but my body knew that if I ate a ton of sugar I’d get a headache, bloat, and then need a nap when the sugar crash kicked in. I didn’t need the sugar and really I didn’t want it either. I don’t even like malted milk balls. But sitting with it all there spread out before me, it felt like I was being deprived if I didn’t eat it. This was different than when later that day I ate my friend’s Best Carrot Cake Ever and enjoyed every bite. So I totally get where Danielle is coming from – it’s hard enough figuring out what my body wants and needs without someone else trying to interpret it for me.
Then, just when I was getting all fired up to tell Danielle how to get the food pushers to back off, Reader Sue e-mailed me with a question about the flip side, asking:
“How far do I go to accommodate other people’s diets? My daughter (shes 20) is a really healthy eater and I feel like I have to bend over backwards to get everything just right for her and even then she sometimes won’t eat it. It makes family gatherings really uncomfortable. Where do you draw the line and just say who cares if it’s healthy- this is what I made, eat it?”
My immediate response to Sue’s e-mail was just like it was to Danielle’s: Boy have I been there! I have one friend who doesn’t eat sugar, another who doesn’t do gluten, a third who is still married to her low-fat dairy as well as a smattering of vegetarian and vegan buddies. Oh and my one friend who despite knowing her for years (YEARS!) and eating with her scores of times I still haven’t been able to figure out her food philosophy. It can make planning a party or other get-together nerve wracking. But not only do I relate to Sue’s problem, I also have to admit that I’ve been that person like Sue’s daughter whose food choices make everyone else uncomfortable.
So: What if Danielle is Sue’s daughter?? (Kidding! They’re not related. At least I don’t think so. I don’t know either of them in real life. But wouldn’t it be funny if they were?) But my point is that one person’s healthy diet is another person’s pain in the butt. And to make matters more complicated, what one person defines as a healthy diet can be seen as totally unhealthy to someone else. Short of never eating with anyone ever again without signing a liability waiver first, there’s got to be some rules. I came up with three and I’m hoping you’ll help me out in the comments with some more ideas for Danielle and Sue!
Charlotte’s Rules for Eating Nicely With Others
1. Ask yourself if the other person has a point. To Danielle: I remember getting really defensive about my food choices when I was deep into my eating disorder. The sicker I was the more defensive I got. I’m not saying that you have an eating disorder but there is some merit to asking yourself if the person pushing the food has a valid reason to be pushing food on you. To Sue: Perhaps your daughter is trying to help you make healthier food choices and she just hasn’t figured out a kinder way to make her point yet. Or perhaps this is your daughter’s way of asserting her newfound adult independence.
2. Ask yourself what your point is. To Danielle: Are you just being stubborn or are you genuinely trying to respect your body by eating in caring way? Sometimes food is really important to certain people in certain situations and by compromising and taking a bite or two, you show them that you acknowledge the love and effort they’ve put into the dish. To Sue: Are you trying to be a martyr or are you genuinely trying to respect your daughter’s food choices? By not making a big deal out of it you take some of the power struggle out of the situation. Also, if your point is to have a good relationship with your daughter then maybe you need to explore some other ways to relate. Ask her to make you her favorite meal. Or do something together that has nothing to do with food.
3. Get to the point and just say “no thank you”. To Danielle: There are times when people do not have a good reason for pushing food on you (or worse, they have a diabolical reason like jealousy, envy, sabotage or fear) and you do have a good point for refusing the food (i.e. too much sugar makes you feel sick). I’ve found the best way to deal with this is to just say “No, thank you.” Don’t feel compelled to give them reasons – you don’t owe them any and they’ll likely just argue with you. Don’t lie. Don’t get upset. Don’t explain yourself unless you want to. Just repeat “No, thank you” with a big smile until they desist. To Sue: If you are the one doing the cooking I think you have every right to say, “Dinner is served, I hope you enjoy it.” and leave it at that. If people make additional demands like requests for a meat-free dish or a gluten-free dessert you can decide if you’d like to accommodate them but only do it if you can do it and feel good about it. Don’t be afraid to say “No” if you feel like it is unreasonable. You are the host not a short-order cook. Don’t feel compelled to give them reasons. Don’t lie. Don’t get upset.
Have you ever had someone push food on you or have you had to cook for or eat out with people with wildly different food restrictions? Ever been on both sides?? How did you handle it? Hit me up with some great advice for Danielle and Sue because I know I missed a lot of points!
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When I was proper vegetarian my kindly grandmother would make me special “vegetarian pasties with only just a little bit of mince.” She was also responsible for telling me once that I “had certainly grown upwards and outwards” with the honest brutality that you can expect from your older relatives!
Forgive me but I laughed so hard reading about your sweet grandma. I had a friend who used to make me “vegan cookies with only egg whites” Of course it was less cute coming from her…
I’ve sort of been on both sides, in that I regularly cook for my little brother, world’s pickiest eater (if it’s not one of those burgers you put in the microwave, or risotto, there’s a good chance he’ll turn his nose up at it), but then when my nan cooks for me, she’ll quite often put foods in that set off my IBS, under the premise of ‘if I cut them up really small, then they won’t make you ill!’, and no matter how many times I explain that a chopped mushroom will be in more or less the same state as an unchopped mushroom by the time it hits the stomach. I usually have to refuse her food or it will make me ill, which is difficult as I stay with her quite often and can make things awkward. I’ve got no advice about it, though, I just struggle through!
Yes, when it becomes a matter of sitting in the bathroom in pain for the next 6 hours you definitely have a valid reason to refuse the food! IBS is the WORST. You have all my sympathy.
When I have people to dinner and even for normal family meals I always put all the food in the middle of the table so people can make their own choice. I always try to have a salad and veggies available and meat and a starch. My 16 year old daughter changes her mind weekly about what she does and doesn’t like. This way she can fill up on only salad and veggies if she wants or just have meat and nothing else as she does sometimes. I try not to judge. It also means if I’m cutting carbs (or whatever I’m trying that week!) I can serve myself without judgement from others.
As for eating away from home, I usually have a little of everything if someone has gone to a lot of effort. Just eat slowly and keep portions small.
Family style serving – great tip!
Often times, I like to prepare a dish to take to events so that I know there is at least one thing that fits my lifestyle. I never ask (directly or indirectly) that something special is prepared for me. I just don’t eat it with no explanations offered. My struggle is with how to not hurt the cook’s feelings when I turn down food that is unacceptable to me. I”m not rejecting the person, but it seems that’s how many cooks perceive my actions.
This: “I”m not rejecting the person, but it seems that’s how many cooks perceive my actions.” is sadly true. And I’m not sure how you can avoid that other than just doing your best to reassure them of your love and friendship.
I could have written this comment. I gave up being a vegetarian because of the tension with my parents over meals and food. No attempt at “health” (in a myopic, physical sense) is worth my relationships!
You’ve become so forking sensible these days!
I always suspect that if someone is monitoring every bite you (the collective “you”, not you, Charlotte) put in your mouth, it’s only because you made a big deal about it in some way. Don’t preach, don’t make demands, be a brilliant conversationalist and learn how to shove food around your plate, and who’s going to even notice what or how much you’re eating?
Fabulous advice: ” Don’t preach, don’t make demands, be a brilliant conversationalist and learn how to shove food around your plate, and who’s going to even notice what or how much you’re eating?” And your first sentence cracked me up. Best cookbook ever, no?
Great post–so much can be accomplished/avoided by simply being gracious,f lexible, upfront, asking questions, and realizing that in the grand scheme of things, most people aren’t as upset by your food restrictions (or what you did or didn’t serve them) as you might suspect!
This is a great post. As I’ve started eating healthier I’ve found both questions arise at some point. Great rules. People need to be flexible and accepting with these kinds of things, especially in America’s eat-all-you-can society.
We had a missionary in our area once who was celiac. He had a xeroxed list of foods he could/couldn’t eat that he handed out. (The members take turn feeding them during the week) It was SO appreciated! It went all the way to the specific brands of things. I appreciated that he was open and informative. It made it a pleasure. I would have felt terrible if I can cooked and he hadn’t been able to eat any of it.
His Mom wrote up the list for him (and put in some cute anecdotes) so I felt like I was “taking care of her boy” in her absense and paying it forward for when/if my boys go on a mission.
We had a vegan missionary for awhile except that he was kinda demanding about it and not at all helpful. A printed list would have been so helpful! Glad that your missionary was able to still serve and work around his illness!
I was not going to read this since you said you were so bad at giving advice, until I realized that you didn’t say you gave BAD advice, so I read it! Yes, I have been there and yes, good advice 🙂
Hahah – you are so good with the one-liners!
I don’t have any actual food restrictions, but what our family does for the big gatherings is make them potluck, so then we can all bring something we KNOW we will eat. Keeps folks from gnawing on the dining room table legs…
Good idea – potlucks can be sanity savers!
I have some family members who are big food pushers — and it makes me super uncomfortable. I’ve learned to just say NO THANK YOU as firm as possible. I used to give the “maybe later” answer and they’d find me later and shove it down my throat then.
Sorry I don’t really have any advice — Charlotte I think you make good points for both Sue and Danielle.
Yes, I’ve found that giving people any excuse or reason just makes them argue more with you. They don’t forget.
My sis in law is celiac (and allergic to dairy and beef) so we have to deal with this a lot. We’ve started doing a sort of potluck, at gatherings so she can bring something and know there will be something she can eat, but I’ve fuirued out a few kickass gluten free meals now after a few years, so we’re OK. It can be frustrating tho.
I find it’s often my vegan coworkers who annoy me the most. Not because they’re vegan – not a biggie – if I know ahead of time I can whip something up. But to come to potlucks or dinners out and want vegan food and pout because it isn’t there? Well – bring something for yourself or warn us. I refuse to not eat something I like because you don’t like it.
My biggest thing is actually with my husbands family when we get together…the food is so incredibly unhealthy and they make me feel bad if I don’t eat everything and have all of the minimum 3 desserts. Blech.
Your in-laws sound just like my in-laws! It’s terrible but I’ve taken to keeping some healthy food in my car and just eating a few bites of whatever they’re serving.
I have been on both sides, and I would rather have people tell me what they like/prefer/can’t have, etc. My family has never really been upset with me about my food choices, but we have also never been a sit down and eat together type. We usually cook for ourselves when we get together and it is no different now.
I’m totally buying that cookbook.
I know, I want that cookbook too! I don’t even care what’s in it!! And I agree – I would rather have people just tell me so I can do my best to work with them.
Wow what a great post. I have been on both sides of this and I totally agree with your responses, Charlotte. I think the best thing to do is work to be kind and gracious. Don’t have a dinner party if you don’t want to be accomodating and don’t attend one unless you can be flexible.
Great post! My oldest daughter and I have been talking about this recently. Her boyfriend tries to force her to eat at fattening restaurants. She told me that she would rather not, but those are the only kinds he likes. She would rather not order off the “rabbit” menu of greens. She would rather just not eat. I said, “Tell him that you would love to keep him company while he eats, but that you don’t want to eat.” She said that her boyfriend said that was “awkward.” I said, “Well, say that you have a right to pick what you want to eat, or not to eat, and not be forced. And then say, ‘Do you want a fat girlfriend?” She agreed that it might work.
As for inviting friends with unusual diets over, ask them to bring along something to share. You get to eat something new and they get to eat one thing that they like!
I think adding the romantic aspect into it makes it even trickier – I remember that eating in front of boyfriends made me feel 100 times even more awkward, lol. So glad I’m married!
Oh, man, I could have used some IE help last night. After dinner, I sat down w/ a bag of buffalo-flavored Pretzel Crisps. I’d say about 1/2 of the bag was left (400 calories.) I started munching while watching TV and, halfway thru, said to myself, “You’re through. You don’t even want any more.” So I put the bag down. But 10 min later, I picked them back up and thought, “Well, they taste good and they’re here. I may as well just finish the bag.” Didn’t really do any damage, calorie-wise, but I felt gross afterwards and was mad at myself for being too lazy to get up and but them away.
Is it terrible that I read “buffalo flavored pretzel crisps” and my brain stopped there? I love anything buffalo flavored. Which sounds really weird typed out. But yeah, I totally know that feeling of eating too much, not enjoying it and then being like “Wha? Why did I just do that??”
Such a great post!
I have found after 15 years of vegetarianism that is is just plain rude to make a fuss if there is not much for one to eat. Better to just make a meal of what you can eat rather than draw attention to yourself and make your hostess feel bad because she wasn’t aware of your dietary needs. Why should she be, it’s not all about the selective eater anyway. I made the choice to eat vegetarian, I shouldn’t expect the rest of the world to accommodate me. I quietly look for what I can eat and smile and compliment while I do it.
I think you are the nicest vegetarian ever! When I was veg, I tried to be the same way – a little kindness goes a long way!
I’ve also been on both sides. The interesting thing was that when I lost weight, my relatives bombarded me with questions about how I did it and watched me like a hawk while I ate, to see how much/little I put in my mouth and if I would have dessert. It was a complete 180 from the days when they would be on my case to make sure I didn’t eat “too much.”
These days family dinners are pretty relaxed. Even Thanksgiving is served buffet-style, with a bunch of different kinds of food. We have celiacs, vegans, and carnivores, and everyone brings something to the table (literally, lol!). The only one who gets nagged at these days is my father-in-law, because he’s diabetic AND recently had a triple bypass with 2 stents put it. So he has to test his blood sugar before he’s allowed to fill his plate.
I think the best thing to do is just what you and others have said; give a polite but firm “no, thank you” and not defend yourself. Often if you refuse to talk about a subject long enough, others get tired of asking you about it.
Isn’t it funny how people always have so much to say about weight? Gaining, losing, maintaining – everyone has an opinion! Love buffet/family style!
I actually used to tell people I was allergic to nuts, because I really don’t like them, and they’re baked into so many desserts. It seemed less rude to lie than to refuse someone’s treat, ha!
Being vegetarian my whole life I’ve dealt with this more than once. Generally I just mention ahead of time that I don’t eat meat and, if it’s appropriate, bring something I know I can eat. If not, I can always make PB&J when I get home or something, worst case scenario. And I always speak up if pizza is being ordered or people are talking about going to a restaurant I know has nothing for me. But for the most part, having lived in CA forever, it’s rarely a problem.
Early on when I was dating my picky boyfriend I only cooked things I knew he’d like, which led to eating not so healthy. Finally I gave up and decided I wasn’t happy (emotionally or physically) never eating vegetables and was going to make what I wanted. There have been some failures (the endive salad last night for one) but I always make sure there’s something in the meal I know he likes. And there have been a lot of successes. Like figuring out that he’ll eat kale in chip form or stew, broccoli in stir-fry, and asparagus on pizza.
When I first got married I was veg and hubby, well, he sounds a lot like your bf! For a lot of years I cooked separate meals for us. I got really good at cooking things in parts like a veggie stirfry but all the pieces cooked separately and then mixed to the individual preference on the plate. Thankfully now he’s trying to eat healthier and I’ve added some meat back in so we can eat the same stuff!
In general, I abandon rules when eating at friend’s houses. What I eat at home is very healthy, so I enjoy (within reason) when I go out. Life is too short to freak out about the content of one meal, and if anyone was unhappy with the portions I ate of it, they can kindly eff off. Lately, the worst thing I’ve encountered is dinner parties where I just don’t LIKE the main dish. I’ll just have a little taste to be nice, put the rest on Zliten’s plate when no one’s looking, and fill up on the other stuff.
That being said, as a hostess, I’ll do my best to make sure there’s something for everyone (though generally we do potluck so it’s not a biggie). The two pitfalls are usually making a non-spicy version of spicy things, and having veggie options for our sometimes veggie friends (they’re not super strict about it and tend to eat meat at parties). Not usually too hard.
I love spicy! The spicier the better! Sounds like you strike a good compromise though – I love that about you!
When people push unwanted food on me, I will cheerfully and politely say “No, thank you” up to three times before making a snarky comment so they leave me alone. I don’t like giving excuses — real or otherwise — because then people will argue with you. (“What? Prosciutto is vegan.” True story!)
As far as eating other people’s crappy food… come on, what ever happened to being polite? If your host was gracious enough to feed you, you should be gracious enough to at least try it. I suppose it’s different if it’s a religious thing, but orthorexia isn’t a religion.
If you are in a living situation where one person makes the food and everyone is expected to consume it, then there needs to be some sort of dialog, and perhaps the picky eater is the one who should start cooking the majority of the time.
“Orthorexia isn’t a religion.” TRUE. It sure felt like one though when I was living it. In a bad way. It makes me sad now remembering how much I missed out on during that time. Not just food but socially etc.
I know I am not going to be any help because I just do what is right for me. I bring my own food if necessary. I definitely say no than you a lot. I have been at this doing it my way for so long that most are used to me & those that are not – well, they will get used to me! 😉
what are you talking about, you give great advice!! I love my new handful sports bra. I’ve had it a few weeks and it is fantastic. Thanks so much for sharing it with us!!!
Oooh – aren’t they the best?? I love those things. So glad you are liking yours!
Sometimes I feel like Sue’s daughter. I am super high-maintenance when it comes to what I can/will eat. Most of it isn’t my fault! I have loads of food intolerances. But being a vegetarian is my choice. So in a nutshell, I feel sorry for people who have to cook for me!
But if there is no valid reason than Sue’s daughter needs to adjust! It’s better for her in the long run anyway.
Great post! Sorry I haven’t commented in so long … I love your blog but just don’t always have time to comment. I couldn’t resist on this one though!
Haha no worries! To be honest I do a lot of cooking so that I can have things my way;)
I always inform people if I’m invited to dinner that I am a vegetarian and offer to either come earlier ans help them make something that I can eat, or offer to bring something. This usually works out well. The most common mistake is that people will assume that I eat fish, it’s even happened that relatives very well informed about my diet for years have made this mistake, so I think it’s a powerfully ingrained assumption for some people. It’s not a big deal when it happens, there’s usually something else (salad, pasta, potatoes etc) that I can fill up on, but for the people concerned, they seem to feel very embarrassed. Not sure I can do anything about that though.
It has led me to wonder though, how many is to many times to remind people of your dietary needs before people get annoyed or feel like they’re being treated like idiots?
“It has led me to wonder though, how many is to many times to remind people of your dietary needs before people get annoyed or feel like they’re being treated like idiots?” Good question! Just judging from your comment I think you probably strike a good balance – you sound very aware of both you and your hosts’ needs!
Ugh. My darling sister has become a “food snob”. She really thinks that she is too good for “normal people food”. Carrots. She wont eat carrots. And not because of the starchy nature or anything like that she just likes to eat really weird veggies that few have ever heard of and fewer can afford. Feeding her during the holidays is REALLY annoying. She comes to my house then acts all snobish when I serve broccoli. Broccoli! No one is too good for broccoli! It was even steamed! Anyhoo, I think its rude if you are a guest in someones home to become all preachy and snobish about your diet. Bring your own food if you are that particular and don’t lecture your big sister who has spent weeks preparing for the holidays!
Whoa. Guess thats been festering for awhile. 🙂
Hahahha! Ok, now I have to know which sis! E-mail me;)
this is not helpful at all but i had to chuckle because on a Seinfeld rerun last night it was the one where Jerry is at the diner with some chick he is dating and he offers her a bite of apple pie and she declines repeatedly but refuses to offer up a reason why and Jerry is all out of sorts about it. The next day he polls these two women in the diner, one of whom just offered the other a bite of her pie and she declined. Jerry asks about the interaction, the woman says that she declined because she is full and Jerry says something like, ‘so you didn’t decline without giving a reason?’ and the lady blurts out, ‘of course not! i’m not a psycho!’.
too funny. your advice to just decline repeatedly until they bail reminded me of it. 🙂
ps
i’m doing the IE thing and about to head home for a trip (to MN!) and am worried about how it will go with declining and following my body etc. 🙂
Hahah – I haven’t seen that one but my hubby is a huge Seinfeld fan and I bet he’ll remember it! Good luck with the IE – it does feel a lot harder in a different environment. You’ll be great though!
for health reasons, i should be eating a gluten-free, vegan diet. for social reasons, i don’t do it with any sort of regularity. my main problem is that i am terrible at speaking up for myself, and never ever want to hurt people’s feelings or come off as weird or rude. i hate conflict, i hate being seen as difficult, and i hate not being a people-pleaser. HOWEVER. i am working on changing this. in my experience, people who take what you do/don’t eat so personally are trying to justify their own (generally unhealthy) choices and feel better about what they are eating by making you eat it, too. i have avoided many family/social gatherings because i can’t stand the stupid dance around food. i feel judged if i do or don’t eat something, and either way, i can’t win (“just one bite of cake won’t kill you” followed by “i thought you were allergic to wheat, why are you eating that?”). truly, i feel like what i eat isn’t really anyone else’s business, unless they are hosting me for a dinner party or something. but i get comments even at restaurants where everyone can order whatever they please.
i actually think that people need to stop worrying so much about what other people are eating, and focus on what their bodies need/want. if more people were capable of this, it would relieve so much of the anxiety and guilt associated with food. (who knows, might even reduce the incidence of eating disorders if people could stop being so obsessed about what OTHER PEOPLE are eating.)
I think if you have a legitimate medical reason – like it sounds like you do – then you shouldn’t feel bad at all for speaking up! I know if I were cooking for you, I’d want you to feel comfortable and happy after dinner! And great point about our obsession with what others eat.
Living far from family, we often have visitors stay with us for up to a week who are vegetarian. Luckily I tend to eat healthy anyhow and find it’s a great excuse to eat vegetarian for the week, but I will sometimes make bbq’d meat to go with the vegetarian dishes too.
For those who have health reasons for their food choices or very specific diets such as being vegetarian, when invited to someones house for a meal I think it’s always appropriate to kindly remind them of your food restrictions and ask if you can bring something (for everyone) to enjoy with the meal. Even if you have eaten there many times before, the hostess will appreciate the reminder.
I had a couple over for dinner once who we don’t see very often and I don’t think had ever shared a meal with before. It wasn’t until dinner time that I realized she was vegetarian. I felt horrible that all I had for her was rice and broccoli. She was quite gracious however and I eventually realized that her boyfriend who I had spoken to about the dinner should have let me know.
So true – a little kindness and compromise on both ends goes a long way!
As secretary of my college Fencing Club, I used to be in charge of Making Sure People Don’t Pass Out. This involved bringing a (cheap) snack to tournaments — the only two things I found that *everyone* on the team could eat were: Honey Grahams with peanut butter, and honey-puffed Spelt (think Sugar smacks, but less sweet). We got *weird* looks from NCAA teams that had full-time team-moms making them food. “Hey, what’s that?” “Spelt.” But it was cheap, vegan, and thank heavens no one was peanut-allergy or honey averse.
I was also responsible for finding a place 95% of us could eat dinner. The vegan on the team always packed, so we didn’t have to worry about it, but the lactose-intolerant vegetarian didn’t. We had ovo-lacto veggies, pescatarians, and straight up almost-full-time carnivores. I found Greek Diners were the best way of satisfying 10 – 18 starving, sweaty college students who had been exercising for 8+ hours and wanted everything from MEAT to veganish fare.
I have never fenced but I find it totally fascinating! I would love to try it sometime! And kudos to you for being so great about helping them out with their different dietary needs!
Cookbook, totally ordered. Excellent find Charlotte.
I’m the person who’s vegetarian and relatively picky. Honestly, I tend just to bring my own food, or I put up and shut up, and just eat what I can. It’s especially bad at restaurants in Calgary, most only have one vegetarian main, unless you’re at an Indian restaurant or one of two totally vegetarian restaurants (that I know of at least). I’ve learned to accept that I may be having a green salad and dessert at most restaurants- this is okay though, because it guarantees that I’ll have enough space in my tummy for dessert. And most of the time I’d rather have some creme brulee over mushroom lasagne. Just my personal preference.
My poor mother goes insane trying to feed me when I go home, but really I’ve never ever expected her to put together anything special for me, I’m more than happy to have the vegetables she makes for dinner regardless, and cook up a plain pot of quinoa or brown rice or beans to go with them. It’s very sweet, but totally unnecessary, since I’m quite capable of feeding myself.
Isn’t it?? I totally want a copy and I don’t even care what recipes are in it! I love that you got it! You’ll have to tell me what you think! Also, what you just wrote is one of the reasons that Indian food is perennially one of my faves. Tasty and so varied!
Oh I deal with this everyday in the office. Thanks for sharing the article. They always think of me as a misfit when I do intermittent fasting. Telling me that I’m anorexic when in fact I’m leaner and stronger than most if not all people in the office.
Sometimes I just don’t mind them 🙂
When it’s a social event, especially in a Hotel buffet. I try to keep my meals to the three S’s… Salad, Steak, and Sushi 🙂 It’s been a tip i’ve been telling my friends who are always being treated out to buffets by brokers 😛
Oh yes, nothing brings out the weird comments/looks like fasting! Love your 3 s’s tip!
Used to the picky vegan who made everyone else go out of their way to accommodate me. Let’s just say my family has put with a lot. Now that I’m older (although not always wiser), I just go with the flow. I still try and make healthy choices which is possible at just about any gathering, and if it’s a small dinner party, then I eat whatever is being served. The host went to the trouble to make me delicious food, and I’m going to eat and enjoy every bite. I always just tell myself, one meal that I wouldn’t normally make myself is not going to undo all my unhealthy efforts. Nor will is cause me to gain 10 pounds overnight.
Very sensible! I’ve followed much the same path as I’ve gotten older as well. Thankfully I’m much less rigid with my food rules now which makes eating much more enjoyable!
I’m going through a kind-of similar situation right now at work. I just started a job a few weeks ago that has a cafeteria for its students (its a rehab center). The food is free and all the staff partakes, but, since day one, I have packed and ate my own lunch. I feel very weird doing this, since I’m the ONLY one not eating what everyone else is. Why do I do this? I guess I like knowing what I’m going to be eating (a menu is not posted in advance), and I like knowing that it’s healthy. I do have some control issues, AS WELL AS a people-pleasing nature. So, I bring my own food and try to be confident in my decision, but feel weird for doing so and guilty. I feel guilty because the kitchen manager takes prides in cooking for and feeding the students (and staff). She has asked me a few times already WHY I insist on bringing my own food and she’s not convinced the reason is not directly related to her and her cooking. I don’t know why I’m exactly posting this – justification for doing what I do or suggestion on how to deal? I guess I could just eat whatever she puts out for that day… but I don’t know if I would be willing to “chance it”?!
Don’t feel bad making sure you have food you want to eat! You don’t HAVE to eat in the cafeteria unless it’s part of the job description :). It’s really not anyone else’s business but yours, so do what you think is right for you and let them do the same (and don’t let them make you feel guilty for it!)
I always prefer packing my own food too – I don’t think it’s weird or bad at all! It’s hard helping people feel like you aren’t rejecting them when you don’t eat their food but esp. since this is a professional situation I don’t think you should feel bad at all.
Thanks for the advice Charlotte!
I’ve been pondering this topic for awhile. I was diagnosed lactose intolerant last fall and was hit or miss with eating dairy. But last month I stopped eating gluten and noticed the few times I have eaten it, I have been very sick. So I’m worried about eating at my mom or mother-in-law’s (or worse case scenario my grandmother’s) house. Do I eat what is being served? Do damage control and bring something I know I can eat on the off chance there isn’t anything else I want being offered? Is my health and well being worth being perceived as a pain in the butt? So many questions! Maybe I should e-mail Dear Prudence and see what she says. (^_-)
You know, when I think it is a case of the food actually making you ill I think you have carte blanche to refuse it. If you think there won’t be anything you can eat at your moms or MILs, I usually try to keep some healthy foods in my car so that I can eat either right before or after. And your idea of bringing a dish is a great one!
I’m lactose intolerant and haven’t eaten meat in so long it would (most likely – I’m scared to try) make me sick if I ate it. If I’m going to a dinner party, I usually take something I know I can eat (but that isn’t totally off-putting to others- if the people there are wary of tofu, I take something veggie-based without it. If they’re open to it, I bring something with it). I’ll also often eat a small something before I go or stick energy bars in my purse, so if there isn’t a ton for me to eat, I’m not starving. I volunteer to bring my own ingredients (like veggie burgers, so I can make sure there’s no dairy in the ones at a cookout) and to help with the cooking so I don’t create extra work for the host, just for me. No one in my family has restrictions, so when we get together for holidays, we tend to have all the dishes on the table like another poster said and everyone eats what they want. I always help with the cooking, and go shopping with my mom for things for Thanksgiving (or am at least available by phone) if she has questions about getting things I can eat. A lot of dishes can be served meatless or in parts – have pasta with red sauce, with meatballs and cheese in a different dish (add if you want). Fajitas are another good one – cook veggies and meat in separate pans (oil, not butter), with cheese, sour cream, guacamole, etc set out for those who want to add them to have the option. You can make a casserole in two smaller dishes – one with meat, one without.
I also try to focus on the point of the food – eating those things will make me sick, so there’s definitely no bite or two just to appease someone (which honestly is pretty disrespectful – I’ve made a choice about my body and health, and if you don’t listen to that choice and try to get me to eat something I’ve told you will make me sick because you disregard that choice and my ability to make it, well, that’s offensive to me). But I do approach different situations different ways. If we’re getting together to eat, I’ll speak up about certain restaurants being better than others, or having certain foods. If it’s to celebrate people and company – or especially a milestone for a certain person (birthday, etc) then I’ll eat before I go or take my own food, because the point is the company, not the food.
Overall, my attitude is that this is my choice, for me in my life and my health. I expect courtesy and respect from people when it comes to that decision (don’t try to sneak meat into my food or coax me to eat by trying some bullshit “one bite won’t hurt” line), but I don’t expect people to go out of their way to accomodate my decisions. It’s my responsibility to feed myself. Often, a little effort on both sides goes a long way.
PS – meant to say that I expect respect about my choice, but also respect others’ choices of what to eat or not eat and don’t expect them to automatically eat meat- and dairy-free because I am (though if they’re curious about recipes or tofu, I’m always willing to share!)
Great comment! It sounds like you’ve found a great middle ground that allows you to still protect your health and maintain your relationships with people! I can tell you’ve had a lot of experience in this area!
I don’t think my parents ever pushed food on me… even when I wasn’t really eating. I think in a way having someone wanting to feed you shows they care to some degree (or they just want an even food distribution)… My great aunt loves to push food as does my sister. I don’t know if it’s because they worry or not, but I do know that they both love to cook and I think they want to pass along some of that love through their food… if that makes sense.
This can really be a tough one for me. My mother is a quintessential southern, and to her, food is love. When I know a holiday is coming up I just make sure I make smarter choices at least a week before hand. That way I don’t have to scourge myself and run a marathon when I get home from Thanksgiving dinner.
all my grandparents love to shove food in my face, but my grandpa takes it even further – he will put food ON my plate, even after i say “no”; like, he asks if i want to eat just because, and doesn’t listen to the answer. and since they eat loads of spicy foods, which i can’t deal with at all, and meat that i eat very little of (i’m a kinda-vegetarian), it gets to be an issue. i would always get annoyed until once, as he was about to spoon something spicy on my plate, i firmly said, “if you put that on my plate i will not eat” – and he got it! really, just directly saying “no” is the best way to go.
At first I thought this post didn’t really apply to me, since I rarely go to events where people cook (in NYC, we mostly go to restaurants). However, then I thought about the pressure I’m always under at work dinners to eat what everyone else is eating. I once got pulled aside by my manager and told that I needed to stop ordering salads when we went out to dinner, because it made other people feel bad for ordering the steak! I never preached about it or said a word other than just ordering my salad. Should also note that salad was my choice after I was previously pulled aside and told that it was unprofessional to order my food with modifications (e.g., “chicken but with the sauce on the side and could I get steamed veggies instead of mashed potatoes?), because at least salad I could pick through and eat only the healthy parts of it. I still really struggle with eating while traveling – there is a LOT of pressure to eat (and drink) like everyone else, no matter what.
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