Do you remember the first time you were made to feel less than? You aren’t born knowing that. It was because somebody told you. As a mother, once of the first things I noticed about my tiny children is how everything they do, everything they are, is the most wonderful magic to them. Toes wiggling? Magnificent! Ears hearing? Miraculous! Chubby tummies gurgling? Delicious! Eyelashes? So spectacular that they must pull one out to get a better look at it. (And then they cry as one is wont to do when one discovers that plucking your own hair is a painful pastime.) This knowledge isn’t individual; every child has it – it’s what makes childhood so special. Don’t believe me? Watch a baby toot bubbles in the bathtub and I guarantee you will both laugh until you cry. Even gas is magical.
But of course you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. This stripping down is a gradual – and likely necessary, no use bemoaning the inevitable – process. It is the pain of a thousand paper cuts, as they say. It is the pain of a thousand cardboard paper cuts, as I say. (Have you ever had a cardboard paper cut? Toe-curling pain. Just worse than biting your tongue but not quite as bad as falling out of a hammock and landing face first on a concrete driveway. And now you know how I got the bump in my nose.)
I remember a time, certainly not the first time, when I was diminished. Blind as a bat, I finally got glasses in the 5th grade – about 3 years later than I needed them, so astonished was I when I put them on and discovered that all those squiggles on signs were actually words. They were giant clear plastic frames with neon pink and blue racing stripes. It was the 80’s. My first day wearing them (and my first day being able to read all the cuss words inked onto Jessie Gilman’s jean jacket), a girl came up to me in the lunch room. “Those are the ugliest glasses I have ever seen,” she declared. “But I guess they fit since you are the ugliest girl I’ve ever seen.” With that she laughed loudly, tossed her poodle-permed hair over her shoulder and for her final act, dumped her lunch tray complete with sloppy joe and open pudding cup into the top of my Esprit bag. Everyone laughed as I tried frantically to scrape the muck off of my carefully completed homework.
I remember a time, certainly not the first time, when I did the diminishing. As if the first year of middle school isn’t awkward enough, the powers that be decreed that our mixed gender gym class do a unit on swimming. Whether to even the playing field or to provide years of entertainment for our P.E. teacher I’ll never know but we all had to wear dingy blue polyester swimsuits from the ’60’s. (Inexplicably the girls’ suits had a weird double layer on the front that made an open pocket you could stick your arm all the way through.) They were sorted by size. Then we had to suffer the indignity as our teacher sized us up in front of everyone else and handed us a suit that would be as loose as Shar-pei skin as soon as it got wet. Paul, for reasons I cannot remember but I’m sure were spurious, was not well liked. So when he went up to claim his trunks I stage whispered that he should have to wear a girl’s suit since he had more boobs than most of us. It was not at all clever. And yet everyone laughed. I was so proud of myself for making everyone laugh that I didn’t even notice as he hid away, not to be coaxed into the pool that day by even the meanest threat to his grade.
Since then I have been laid low by far worse than Bill Cosby’s favorite dessert and, even more sadly, I have taken others down with far more cruelty than ill-fitting polyester. So what is the point of recounting two stories that to this day make me cringe so badly I can barely type them? This week I had two interesting conversations. One was about this article “Stop that Sh*t” by Fat Heffalump, sent to me by Reader Ruth. The other was “The Complete Guide to Not Giving a F*ck” by Julien Smith. Both have profanities in the titles and both are excellent reads but other than that at first glance they seem to be complete opposites.
The first article talks about why snarking about other people is harmful. Sure it can hurt the other person – if they hear it – but even more it hurts the person saying it. She quotes Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby’s book Lessons from the Fat-o-sphere
“At some point in your adult life, you’ve probably walked into a party and felt a frisson of relief upon discovering at least one woman there who was fatter, uglier, and/or dressed more inappropriately than you. We sure have. But if you want to have any hope of making peace with your own body, you need to knock that sh*t off.”
After explaining how “stop that sh*t” as become her new mantra she quotes Harding and Kirby again,
“We’re not even telling you to stop just because it’s nasty, petty, and beneath you to judge other women so harshly; it is, but because you’re not a saint, and neither are we. We’re telling you to stop because it’s actually in your own self-interest to stop being such a b*tch. ‘Cause you know what happens when you quit saying that crap about other women? You magically stop saying it about yourself so much, too.”
The second article is about how to stop caring about what other people think of you. Julien lists four salient facts: 1) People are judging you right now, 2) You don’t need everyone to like you, 3) It’s your people who matter, and 4) Those who don’t care what others think change the world. He writes,
“I have spent almost my whole life– 31 years– caring far too much about offending people, worrying if I’m cool enough for them, or asking myself if they are judging me. I can’t take it anymore. It’s stupid, and it’s not good for my well being. It has made me a punching bag– a flighty, nervous wuss. But worse than that, it has made me someone who doesn’t take a stand for anything. It has made me someone who stood in the middle, far too often, and not where I cared to stand, for fear of alienating others. No more.”
He also lists four really good tips for learning how to not care so much about other’s opinions (boy howdy do I love tip #1!) but I would add one more to his list and it’s this: forgiveness.
See, mocking others and worrying excessively about what others think are two sides of the same vicious coin. A coin, that if we’re really honest with ourselves, we’ve spent plenty of time flipping. And so it is for this reason that it is necessary to forgive others – before they even do it, if you can just make it a blanket policy – for their cruelty. Because their cruelty mirrors our own, making it equally as important that we forgive ourselves. Forgiveness isn’t absolution; it’s learning. Learning how when we love others, we learn to love ourselves and when we love ourselves we naturally love others.
You know that voice that sometimes whispers you were created for better than this? Listen to it. Every time you are brought low by the arrows of others or the tempests of an ungentle life, remember it. Every time you are tempted to laugh at a failed other or crop the tallest poppy, remember it. Every time you feel less than, no matter how you came to that dark place, remember it. You were created for better than this.
A very smart person once told me that if you don’t piss a few people off in life you probably never stood up for something important. It helped me stand up for something I believed in.
Fabulous post and I love the “The Complete Guide to Not Giving a F*ck” My inner perfectionist likes to tell me that if I am perfect then everyone will like me. I need to stop that sh*t 😉
“A very smart person once told me that if you don’t piss a few people off in life you probably never stood up for something important.” I love this. I once told a friend that nobody hated me and he was like, “A) that’s likely not true and B) if it is that is not something to be proud of.” It really made me think about the disservice being too much of a people pleaser – my natural instinct – can be.
Wow. Brilliantly stated – both by you and the other writers you cited. It’s a heart-wrenching process to see how self-worth is diminished and to recognize how we do it ourselves to one another. I can remember for myself taking all of the self-loathing that I had developed (as a result of serious bullying by others) and taking it out on my younger brother. It took years to recognize how displaced that pain was, and fortunately we were able to repair our relationship. But hurting others certainly didn’t help my self-esteem.
It is so painful how we learn these lessons isn’t it? I’m so glad that you were able to repair your relationship with your brother and that you were finally able to recognize the source of your discord.
isn’t it interesting how we remember these things. How they stick with us? Even if we have a large spurt in time where we here majority of good things from people, those cruel words stay with you.
Through the years I’ve started to try to truly filter things before they come out of my mouth – knowing that each word I let slip has the potential to become someone else’s memory or nightmare.
” knowing that each word I let slip has the potential to become someone else’s memory or nightmare.” – so true and such a responsibility.
Thank you for this. It really touches my heart today. I’m dealing with some things that I just don’t know what to do with with people who I thought were my friends. I really need to just let it go and realize that I did the best I could in standing up for myself (part of my attempt to Tell the Truth).
This: “I really need to just let it go and realize that I did the best I could in standing up for myself (part of my attempt to Tell the Truth).” is so poignant it makes me wish I knew the rest of the story! So glad I could help you and thank you for your comment – it made my night:)
oh and PS – that picture COMPLETELY reminds me of The Truman Show
haha that was my first thought too!
Ooh it does! I loved that movie. It’s the only Jim Carrey movie I have liked!
I just read that second article a couple days ago. It took me years to come those four realizations, but since I have, life has been SO much easier and more enjoyable. And friendships are more real.
“And friendships are more real.” I think sometimes I forget that making someone temporarily happy isn’t always the kindest thing to do as a friend. Sometimes being a true friend means risking the painful conversations.
“You were created for better than this.” Wow, what an inspiring reminder for all of us. I think this will become a new spiritual mantra for me. It’ll join my other all-time fave: “I Am A Child Of God… and so is everyone else.”
Much less profanity-laden, no? 🙂
Good one! I like yours much better:)
A beautiful, gracious piece. I totally agree with you and the other post you cited – we are worth better than this. Every one of us. We are beyond the judgement and snark. I wrote a piece some time ago about how no matter what you do, you cannot make everyone happy. So you do your best, make yourself happy and treat people well. Anyone else who is happy with you along the way is a bonus.
And thank you for the link love too.
Oh thank YOU for the wonderful post. I loved it. And I love this: ” So you do your best, make yourself happy and treat people well. Anyone else who is happy with you along the way is a bonus.”
Well done and so honestly written. I went through this transformation too, being picked on AND picking on kids then learned probably in college to turn that around. It’s such a win-win to get past all that. Now I find myself trying to help my kids learn it much sooner than I did and it’s difficult. I refuse to let them grow up to be jerks so it means I have to be the bad guy now to save them from being bad guys later.
This: “I refuse to let them grow up to be jerks so it means I have to be the bad guy now to save them from being bad guys later.” is so true. And it’s one of the hardest parts of parenting, I think.
Why I wouldn’t go back to middle school if you paid me = something ive ALWAYS said to people. I shudder to think of it.
Wonderful post, as usual.
Thank you! Glad to know I’m not the only one!
Excellent! This speech should be given at schools. (Who knows; it might whack at least ONE kid on the side of the head.)
Hahaha – I tried to give this speech in schools (I was a teacher for 7 years…) but I don’t think it stuck.
Thank you for an incredible quote. You are totally right about saying to remember “You were created for better than this”.
I think I’m going to write that down and tape it up somewhere. 🙂
Aw, thank you! I need it on a tattoo… half the stuff I write is to convince myself of it;)
Charlotte: I love this post! We were created for more!
Thank you – this means a lot to me:)
Amen!
Thanks!
” you were created for better than this ” – great quote and so true!!!
I hated middle school and high school.
Thank you Holly! And glad ot know I’m not the only one…
AMEN!!!!!!
And these are also the reasons I need to stay off of Facebook and avoid as much media as possible. We have turned into a country of snarkers, and it’s bringing us down.
“We have turned into a country of snarkers, and it’s bringing us down.” I think you are SO right!
I got glasses in the 5th grade too and again, several years after I should have. Oh the pain to be the first ‘4 eyes’. I made sure my girls had cool glasses (yes, they inherited my bad eyes) and then got them contacts as soon as they were old enough to care for them. They may have suffered many cruelties in middle school but none that I could prevent!
I love how much you love your daughters! Every comment you write, your care for them is evident and I know they feel it in their lives!
Oh – and I am forwarded both of them that second article now. They are both quiet and care too much about what others think of them. I laughed so hard at Step #1. My husband has fivefingers and I will not let him wear them in public when he is with me because I think they look dorky (seriously, I have made him go and change). I guess I need to work on me too!
Hahahah! Oh they are ugly shoes for sure!
Thanks for the article. Both my daughters have read it and both are putting most of the lessons to good use. Funny story, my eldest came home from college for Mother’s Day. We needed to go to the market and she mentioned she need tampons. She got distracted by hair accessories and totally forgot to buy them so I waiting in the car and she ran back in. 5 minutes later she is walking across the parking lot carrying a huge pink box of tampons – no bag. She got in the car and said, “Excuse my language Mom but I don’t give a F#@$. All women get their period and we all buy tampons so why hide it.” She rocks (and so do you for posting that)!
oh man I’ve been the brunt of awful ridicule, which made me into a very “hard” person who is cynical and judgmental of others, rather than understanding of differences etc (go figure). I recognized this fact of myself once I got to college and I really have tried to change it. It’s tough to change the attitude that’s been ingrained in you for years but holding onto all that disdain etc requires so much emotional effort. It’s so much better to just go with the flow and enjoy people and life, rather than want to tear everyone down.
I think that people don’t realize this: ” but holding onto all that disdain etc requires so much emotional effort.” when they’re in the moment with it. It takes a lot of letting go of our pride and stepping back to realize the toll it is taking on all of us. So glad that you are happier now!
Great post. Oddly enough, I would go back to middle school or high school. Not that I particularly want to, only because I was so shy, but I don’t recall being picked on in a way that stuck with me. When I got my first pair of glasses, the mean kids TRIED to put me down, but I never listened and had witty comebacks. I’ve never cared much what others thought and I tried to stick up for others who were being picked on.
I admit to thinking snarky comments about others and have been working to stop that habit. I’ve always loved myself, though, and didn’t care what others thought/said about me. I knew and still know who I am and I love myself for it. It’s helped me live a relatively drama-free life and I plan on keeping it that way!
I love your drama free life! Still working on that one:) And I was the kid who WISHED I had the witty comebacks. I thought of them… 2 days later.
I remember when I was mean to the girl across the street from me while in elementary school. She was mean to my sister (and I didn’t like that), so I wrote her a mean anonymous letter calling her fat and sent it to her. It took awhile for her parents (and mine) to figure out I sent it, but I was grounded for a loooong time.
I regret that still to this day and wish I could tell the girl how sorry I am, 20 years later. I remember hearing that her mother cried because of it. Thankfully I got a lot nicer after that, but that’s stuck with me for so long.
It’s amazing how these things can change us. Kudos to you for learning from it!
you.are.awesome
I was thinking about how so much of it came from home. And also how in healing and forgiving I realize that much of the problem comes from believing it. I love the comment by bjbella5 about if you never piss anybody off, then you haven’t ever stood up for something important.
So true.
Great writing.
Thank you!! This: “I realize that much of the problem comes from believing it” is so true.
Charlotte, this is such a touching and wonderful post. Truly incredible. I need to stop being such a bitch, and, oxymoronically (word???) affected by what others think so deeply. Thanks for the reminder….really, I needed it.
Thank you for this comment! So glad I struck a chord with you too – you know half the stuff I write is to convince myself of it, right?
Long ago my dad told me I was waisting my life! I guess he wanted me to be president or something?? Since then my “theme” has been, “A life well waisted!” 🙂
Ah, pithy as always.
wasted obviously!!
Charlotte, I’ve read a lot of your posts and enjoyed them, but this is up on the favorite list. Very strong but tender at the same time.
Last month, I wrote a post about those awful phys. ed. swimming suits too. The exact ones. I guess they have a nightmare quality about them that is impossible to forget. But did the phys. ed. teacher really have to yell out, “Red!” knowing that the slim girls were laughing their heads off at us lunkier girls? (The colors of the swimming suits indicated the size.) Ironically, I think that phys. ed. has made more people hate the whole idea of fitness than almost anything else.
First – Thank you for this comment! This really means a lot to me.
Second – Buwhahahah, you had to wear the same awful suits! Ours weren’t color coded (how awful!) but they were bad enough. And yes, I have to agree with this: ” I think that phys. ed. has made more people hate the whole idea of fitness than almost anything else.”
it took me many many years to realise that very few people cared what I did or wore, and the few people’s whose opinion mattered to me would be honest. The rest I have learned to ignore. I have found that exact truth – when you stap snarking others, even to make yourself feel better, you stop snarking yourself. And when you believe in yourself? THAT’s when cool things happen 🙂
Beautifully said! So glad you figured this out already!
Fantastic post! This hits very close to home for me, as I was very much a diminisher (that sounds like a Harry Potter character!) in middle school…this is such a tough subject to discuss, as like you pointed out, people go both ways….not caring about what others are saying, or stopping the bullying all together.
either way, bullying is bad, and hurts everyone involved!! I know I learned my lesson!
Thank you! So glad you learned your lesson too! And yes, diminisher does sound like a Harry Potter character, lol. Dementor? Diminisher?
I think I need to read this 1,000 times every day. I care far too much about what others think of me!
Ah you and me both, sister.
I have to admit I had mixed reactions to the second link in your post. The first one, about how you will be kinder to yourself if you are kinder to others, seems true, but hard for me to implement. All the mental judging and comparing and berating (of self and others) can start to feel a bit like a security blanket after decades of doing it. But it is not the right thing to do. But as for the piece about not giving a f*ck– on the one hand, that can be very freeing, especially if one is timid or “different” or surrounded by small-minded idiots. To be honest, I don’t give a f*ck about what 90% of people think about me. Once someone earns my respect and trust, then I care about their opinion. Beyond that, I went through hell in high school and I got really, really tough as a result. I don’t necessarily like the persona I present now (not to my friends and family or in my personal writing, but to the world at large), but as a survival tactic, not giving a f*ck can’t be beat. But what happens when a whole society agrees that this is a good thing? When we all want to do our own thing and be our own person and screw whoever doesn’t like it or who might be hurt or offended? When people put “being themselves” over the welfare of others or even common courtesy? I know this was NOT the intention of this piece, but I do believe it’s a cultural assumption (how many people will protest, no, we SHOULD care what others think? In Asian countries, plenty…here, not so much) that can be damaging as well. Anyway, something to think about….
So true – I’ve heard quite a few people talk about how American’s think of individualism as a personality trait when it’s really a cultural trait. Obviously society would disintegrate if we truly had no regard for other’s feelings about us but I think that’s what Julien was trying to address when he talked about deciding whose opinion matters to you. I hope that this: “When people put “being themselves” over the welfare of others or even common courtesy? ” is not the natural extension although I could see some people taking it there.
Thank you for the perspective!!
I want to start by saying that I love your blog because so often it really makes me think. In fact, I often bring up “Charlotte’s latest post” as a discussion topic when my husband and I are commuting to work. Even so, I might have over-thought this one a bit, especially since everyone else had such a different reaction, but here’s why: I recently had a very bad workplace experience where many of the other women there would say totally hateful things, from racial slurs to comments about clothes or appearances, and when I called them on the carpet for it, the answer was always, “I have a right to MY opinion” and “Why should I care what YOU think about it?” (Just one example: when I was going through a very hard time in my life and responded with my old fall-back, not eating, one of them said, “You know, it’s gross when women our age get skinny like that. It makes your face look so haggard.” Yup, that was my happy office! And she knew I was going through a crisis, too!) In self-defense, I cared less and less about what THEY thought, but I didn’t like how brittle and mean I was starting to feel. I found a new job, where most of us are actually caring and polite, and I find that now I do care what my coworkers think. If I might have inadvertently offended them, I apologize; if I think they’re having a bad day, I offer support. I realized that not caring about others’ opinions can turn into a vicious circle, because unfortunately a lot of people are using individualism as an excuse for thoughtlessness, or maybe I’m just too sensitive. Now I am trying to let others’ opinions in, appropriately, and not get neurotic about it, but it’s a balancing act, like everything else. Anyway, I do want to say thanks for your thought-provoking post, because I hadn’t really thought this through before.
Beautifully said. Couldn’t have come at a better time as I struggle with all of my own demons. This hit so close to my heart that I couldn’t help but shed a tear.
Oh thank you!! So glad it helped you too – you know half the stuff I write is to convince myself of it:)
Hey, I’m late to the party, but so glad you wrote about that post–you did a fabulous job! It’s hard for me to believe you have a cruel bone in your body, but then again, people say the same about me…sadly, I know better. I think, like you, I did some cruel stuff in my past to deflect the cruelty away from me…of course, it didn’t work, and it made me feel sh*ttier about myself.
Thank you! I hope that I am not a cruel person but sometimes I surprise myself with my unkind thoughts. At least I’ve learned to recognize them though and keep them to myself 99% of the time – progress right?
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I think about this stuff A LOT. My mother was very insecure and very dependent on me. And because she was my mother, I imitated her behavior. I say she was insecure but it wasn’t something that you would ever be able to detect unless you were her daughter. She was a very vivacious, personable and charming woman. She preached a lot about loving yourself, being independent, and how brains are more important than beauty, but I knew the side of her that looked in a mirror and was disappointed. I had to go shopping with her and wait for hours in a store because she was “too fat” for anything to fit. I had to sit back while she complained about not having anything to wear, and then refused to buy clothing because she didn’t want to encourage her weight gain by “treating” herself to clothes that fit. Your children will see right through you. I had a mother who constantly told me that being smart was very important – that school should always be my priority. And then she went to lunch with her friends and constantly complained about her weight and her looks.
The first time I was made to feel less than was when I looked at myself and mirrored my mother’s behavior. I have a very distinct memory of being 4 or 5 years old and thinking that I looked fat in my leotard. In order to love myself I had to let go of my mother – she was wrong and her behavior was wrong. I have to think about this a lot because I get into these self-destructive patterns of behavior and I have to literally say to myself, “Why do you think this is right? Where did you learn to behave in this way?” Because I need to make sure it’s not something I learned from watching my mother. She is an amazing woman but we have a very complicated relationship because she said to love what she hated in the mirror.
Great post. I think about not judging others (and why my mind goes there so often) as part of trying to live the “Breaking Free” life. Living in NYC I am met with streams of people the moment I walk out the door and not a day goes by without my thinking, “Well, at least I don’t look like her!” And then I stop myself, a moment too late…I like the mantra that you suggest, “I was created for better than this.” I was. I will try and use that when I hear that judging voice.
On the topic of being less than, I got kicked out of the popular crowd in the sixth grade. I guess I was too excited and eager to be part of the crew and that turned them off so I came to school one morning to find I was persona non grata. It was a brutal experience. I pray for my little guy not to have to go through that though we know it’s too often a part of growing up. Meanwhile, I’m trying to raise a nonjudgemental child by keeping my judgements to myself and minimizing them as best I can!
I know that feeling. The less-than feeling. About a year ago, i bathed in ‘less than’. I wasn’t working out, i was just working. Working looong hours, and getting home, getting into bed w/ a burrito and falling asleep with guac on my face, only to wake up and do it alll over again the next day. I was exhausted and unhappy.
I started training and now have more energy than i could ever ask for. I still feel less-than sometimes….at work (female in the engineering world isnt easy)….but then i head to fitness bootcamp. Sometimes, I STILL don’t know if i can get through all the circuits….I will think to myself ‘i just cant do this’. Then I DO! And the whole day fades, and all i can think about as I leave the gym is I didnt think I could….BUT I DID! How can you be less-than with that feeling twice a week from bootcamp and about once on my own at the gym each week.
Thank GOD for fitness…its like therapy to me.
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