Nothing like the glaring light of social media to make you see yourself differently. Especially at 11:30 at night. When I first saw my friend’s status update on Facebook, my heart froze in my chest. Immediately I knew it was about me and I knew it wasn’t good. Fear, anger, sadness, and defensiveness all shot through me like electricity as tears sprung to my eyes. But as the feelings settled I was left with just one: disappointment, in myself. People say negative things about me on a fairly regular basis but most of the time I can dismiss them without too much pain by realizing that the person doesn’t really know me and their comments are more a function of who they are than who I am. Except in this case, my friend knew me very well. And she was right about me. As much as I wanted to rage, “but that’s not me! I’m not like that!” the more I thought about it, the more I realized that not only was she right about me in this instance but it wasn’t the only time I’d done something like this. The worst part was that it had all kind of happened by accident – I’d become someone I didn’t like and I didn’t even see it happening until I’d hurt someone close to me.
Any realization that comes in the darkest hours of the night is tough but this one was particularly so. These past couple of weeks have been really trying. The advent of summer vacation coincided perfectly with an onslaught of work. I love my children and I love my job but the two of them together equal two full-time jobs. With no childcare. My instinct in times like this is to hang onto everything like a pitbull, not allowing anything to drop and just telling myself I’m going to gut it out until every last thing on my to-do list is done.
Do you have a to-do list? A little about mine: it’s low-tech on a lined notepad with two columns. On the left hand side I write down everything that I need to do. On the right hand side I jot notes about things I don’t want to forget like blog post ideas, birthday present ideas, lessons I’m planning and little pictures and diagrams that help me clarify my thoughts. This notepad comes with me everywhere and I’ve very attached to it. I’m also kind of proud of it – every lifestyle guru says that is one of the primary tools of success and while I don’t follow much advice from gurus at least I’ve got this one down. Even writing something down on my list feels like a small accomplishment.
My dark-of-the-night epiphany: I need a to-be list. There’s nothing wrong with having a to-do list – I’ve lost 10 IQ points with each baby so heaven knows my list is a necessity – but there’s also no point in having a to-do list if it isn’t leading you anywhere. Looking over my to-do list, I realized that while every single thing on there felt So! Important! to me, very few of them would have any impact on me in a year and even less so in five years. And you know what wasn’t on my to-do list? Things like watching Jelly Bean freak out the first time she put her feet in sand (seriously you should have seen her, you’d have thought I’d set her down in hot lava – hilarious!) or making a fort with my boys or having a romantic dinner with my husband. Sure I was adding and crossing off hundreds of tasks but what was I really doing other than running faster in my hamster wheel? As my friend had showed me, I was doing a lot but I wasn’t becoming much. Nothing like the glaring light of pen and paper to make you see yourself differently.
So that night I sat down and wrote out a list of what I want to be, in no particular order. (I had to limit it to 10 because I’ll make lists all night if you let me.)
1. Kind & Compassionate
2. Honest
3. A loving wife
4. An attentive mother
5. A wise teacher and student
6. An inspiring writer
7. A daughter of God
8. Healthy
9. A genuine friend
10. In the Cirque du Soleil
Comparing my lists side by side I realized that almost nothing on the to-do list was getting me any closer to the items on my to-be list. Not only that but quite a few of my to-do’s were making me into someone I didn’t want to be. Let’s be honest (ha!) and look at my list. Other than #7, which is a gimme, I’m a long ways off from being who I want to be. As I sat mired in my own blindness (and distracted by a strange poop smell that turned out to be a two-day old diaper that had gotten wedged behind the door – gah) I started to realize what is not on my to-do list: Skinny. Beautiful. Cut abs. Perfect thighs. And yet how much time do I devote to thinking about those things? Um, an embarrassing amount.
First task was to add a different #10, because let’s face face it, that ship has sailed. Because sewing vintage dresses, playing the piano, doing crossword puzzles, reading and cooking all make me happy (even if I’m bad at them, which I am), my new #10 is “well rounded.” I started looking down my to-do list and anything that didn’t get me closer to my to-be list got crossed off. I was surprised at how much got scratched out. (Although I later added “laundry” back on. Sigh.)
The next day, instead of doing more work, I took my kids, bought two bouquets of flowers and went to apologize to my friends for what I’d done (#2 and #9). And then I took my kids to the Farmer’s Market (#4 and #8) where I had visions of letting them wallow in all the fresh organic produce I could buy until we got there and I realized we still live in Minnesota, not California and therefore the only things the farmers are currently selling are jerky, honey, homemade soap and bread priced at $6 a loaf. So we got a loaf of bread and had expensive toast for lunch, saying a prayer thanking God (#7) for Chilean grapes, Alaskan salmon and the biodiesel that’s keeping Minnesota farmers in business since nothing else grows here but corn and soybeans.
I make a lot of mistakes. A lot. But never say I don’t learn from them (#5)!
Do you use a to-do list? When’s the last time you sat down and thought of who you wanted to be rather than what you needed to do? Any other grown adults out there still dream of being in the circus??
*I know I didn’t come up with the concept of to-do versus to-be lists but heaven help me I can’t remember now where I got that from. If you know, feel free to link it in the comments!
Omg I love you.
“where I had visions of letting them wallow in all the fresh organic produce I could buy until we got there and I realized we still live in Minnesota, not California ”
Please see this post if you would like to be green with envy. Which is why I no longer live in MN. But happily and will forever live in CA.
http://www.loveveggiesandyoga.com/2011/06/farmers-market.html
What you said is SO TRUE! Expensive toasted sammies. Love it.
And being in Cirque. Omg I tell people ALL THE TIME that in another lifetime, I’d come back doing it. Google Acro Yoga and see if there are classes in your area. It’s the closest you or I will be getting 🙂
And I just made bars. That totally reminded me of MN and my childhood and once again, thought of you while I was cooking and taking 111 photos of them 🙂
I think it’s awesome that you apologized (and with flowers no less), but I’m not super impressed by a friend who would call you out by Facebook status update. How about a private phone call or even an email if she doesn’t have the guts? I think the Facebook Status dis is super passive aggressive, and, frankly, a bad sign. In any case, you ended up doing the right thing in the end and that’s what matters.
Unfortunately, the super passive-aggressiveness is completely Minnesotan!
I gotta agree. A true friend goes to you instead of for attention. I think you did the right thing, God always convicts us and prompts us to seek forgiveness and he humble. Way to listen to the Spirit.
In my eyes, you are already number 6. And I also think that friends don’t call friends out on Facebook. But I do love the idea of a to-be list. If I could still my mind enough from the to-do, I could try to focus on the to-be
Re: who I am/what do I do? I’m actually not currently too sure of the distinction. I…still think that perhaps I’m not sure of who I want to be in a lot of situations, but I’m almost always sure of what I’m supposed to be doing. I think that being a conscientious, moral person is extremely important to me, and I incorporate that into my regular life. But, those are the only two I’ve figured out. I’m still young, and struggling with the idea that I’m not what I do- i.e. I should be Meg first, and lawyer second. So…I assume my other ‘who I am’ criteria will follow from working on that issue.
I’ve had friends call me out before- but they’ve always taken the time to call me, and do it in person. And when it happens, I deal with it. I take the time to evaluate whether I think it’s a legitimate concern, and I alter my behaviour as necessary/if required.
And, to be honest, calling someone out on fb is not the mature thing to do – and I think you handled it quite well by responding as you did. I’m not on fb for a multitude of reasons, but this demonstrates one of them, which is that most people do not use fb in a responsible way, with knowledge of the staying power of the internet and the harmful effect that little comments can have not only on a person’s reputation, but also on their person. And those comments are most hurtful when made in an extremely public forum, and least helpful when not made in person. Not cool.
I recently called out a friend on an issue that is pretty fundamental to our friendship. It was really hard, but I took the time to sit down and talk it out. It’s still not resolved, so…I don’t quite know what to make of it yet…but your comment is timely in reminding me that I needed to do what I did, because it was not okay, and it’s not fair to be upset when the person doesn’t even know what they’re doing. It also reminded me that I’m glad I told them directly, which I think shows a certain level of respect for not only the friendship, but also the person.
Lastly, I think you’ve got #6 down. I don’t know you well enough to comment on the others, but, reading this blog is one of the reasons I’ve been a lot more consistent about going to the gym in the past 3 years than before, and so…I think it’s inspring, even if not in the way you had expected. I’m sure my organs and muscles are thanking you 🙂
I suspect you are a lot closer to the items on your to-be list than you think. I don’t know you, but you come across as all of those things (except the Cirque du Soleil!) in your posts and comments.
As for myself, I usually put huge, amorphous goals (like being kind and spiritual and all that) on my to-do list and then feel overwhelmed. I feel like I’m making more progress if I put down discreet actions instead (“don’t talk unkindly behind someone’s back” instead of “be kind,” for example.) I can control the first one; otherwise I’ll kick myself for all my unkind thoughts…and then kick myself because kicking myself isn’t kind, etc.
And speaking of talking behind someone’s back, isn’t that what a negative comment on Facebook really is? I agree with the previous posters who thought that was a cowardly way for your friend to let you know she was upset. Now that you’ve apologized to her, I think she owes you one back.
Also, no asparagus yet at the farmers market? Even in the frigid Canadian west we have asparagus. But…only asparagus. And hydroponic herbs (real herbs like basil! not marijuana!). We also have bread, and like 5 meat vendors. And a lot of expensive, handmade, frozen-food.
Any friend of yours….must be incredibly cool and amazing. And yet? No matter how true, I still question the integrity of passive aggressive facebook attacks. I mean, it seems cheap. Perhaps if I had context I’d understand but don’t be so quick to feel hurt and offended.
I’m all about honoring the feelings (even when you are wrong).
Speaking of integrity? How amazing for you to accept and recognize your shortcomings and address them. But no one is perfect! Sheesh. Even a text barb > facebook status innuendi (innuendoes?)
Just sayin…NOT hating mind you (0:
I bet your friend is amazing for real.
This is a wonderful piece.
I love the to-be list. I have an extensive to-do list (though on my computer, not on real paper, so I don’t have to look at it as much). I’ll have to give some thought to the to-be list, but I’m sure nothing on my to-do list is getting me any closer.
I concur with many of your other readers. Calling a friend out on Facebook is cowardly, passive aggressive and rude. If I have a problem with a friend I tell my friend they have upset me and we talk it through. I’m just not digging using Facebook as a place to air your grievances with someone you are supposed to be close with.
I’ve not been called out by FB – I think it’s a cowardly way to bring up an issue. Although I think one of my FB updates was taken that way by a friend, but I wasn’t actually talking about her. Sometimes these things have a life of their own !
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my to-be list, although not quite so formally as an actual list. It’s a good idea, I might do one myself Sometimes I think we’re our own worst judge. From your writing I believe you have very strong ratings in most of your to-be list (can’t comment on the circus one !) but I’m wondering if when you’re judging yourself if you’re grading harder than you would if you were grading someone else ? (if that makes sense ?).
When I started my NLP course we had to elicit our values for life. I was absolutely flabbergasted to find that my number one value was dependability. Seriously ? I was shocked that sometimes what we think our values are and where we direct our energy are mutually exclusive (dependability vs free-spirited !) I’ve spent quite some time aligning them to what I want them to be.
For some reason quite often your posts are a reflection of something I need to do myself, it’s like a reminder from God/The Universe of what I know I should be focusing on but have been procrastinating about. It’s like God says “I need to get Terri to pay attention to this, so I’ll have Charlotte write about it”. Thanks for being my reminder !
(Maybe not the circus, but I still dream of tap-dancing on Broadway! Yeah, not gonna happen.)
I also have to wonder about calling someone out on Facebook. I don’t like the idea, at all. But then, I’m not involved in the situation, so maybe I should just MYOB.
Another great piece!
LOVE this. Making a ‘to-be’ list tomorrow and sharing this post. 🙂
This reminds me of either a conference or Bytheway talk…either way, I’m a happy camper. 😀 Thanks again for being my go-to spiritually uplifting blogger. 🙂 And you’re fantastic, so pat yourself on the back for, as someone said above, being closer to achieving all your to-be list items than you think! Thanks for setting a good example. <3
OH…IT WAS ROBBINS. Something to the tune of “I can take my wife on a date or buy her flowers – those are to do items. But to be a good husband is something entirely different.” Then he said my favorite part, which was, “Neither professions nor possessions should define self-worth; Jesus was a humble carpenter, but that hardly defined who he was.” Almost cried. Might have actually cried. Probably the latter. <3
Thanks Amanda! I knew it was a conference talk – could picture myself and what I was doing when I heard it (I did the downloads since I was out of town that weekend) but couldn’t for the life of me remember WHO!
I do.
it’s in the form of my personal mission statement.
Perhaps, the very best aspect of your blog is your humble honesty. Trying so hard at so many things and not meeting up to everyone’s expectations strikes a chord with me.
Earlier this month, I had my highest number of hits on my blog, more than doubling what I usually had. But then it went down again. A couple of days, it bothered me–how fickle people who read blogs can be–no patience to wait for another post that perfectly suits them.
And then I realized that I had this all wrong! My blog has to be true to me! Not them. And that thought made me write a super post about needing vulnerability to meet the big fitness goals. Vulnerability is a necessity, even if it feels terrible, to realize and fight for what is important.
🙂 Marion
I walk around with a mental to do list in my head, and it feels like I never get anywhere. I keep thinking that I should write it down because surely I do get things done? It just never gets any shorter because there is always more to add.
I know for a long time it felt like all I did was eat-sleep-work but over the past couple of years I’ve been adding more stuff that I want to do…I find it challenging though because I don’t have time for everything I want/need to do…Which is probably why I did the eat-sleep-work for so long.
What I want to be? I don’t know. Seems like I never have time to think about it.
What a thoughtful post. Someone told me recently that our biggest fears can sometimes become our greatest strengths. I wish the same for you!
Ah geez. We all need a wake up call from time to time, don’t we? We can’t be perfect 100% of the time, and that you instantly rectified the situation shows a lot about your true character. I hope that whatever it was has been smoothed out. 🙂
To do lists I use at work when things get a bit crazy. I did make a list of what I knew my character flaws were, not to constantly remind myself of, but so that I am aware of who I am and therefore so I can keep that in mind with my actions – i.e. so I can try to act in a better way by recognizing where my weaknesses are.
Good luck lady!
I, too, love To Do lists – but I can now see where I get into trouble – those little things you put on the right? Those are also in my Must Do Now list. I don’t exactly prioritize – everything Must Be Done NOW. That said, i do love the pure satisfaction that comes from checking things off my list. Your idea of comparing your To Do list with your To Be list is brilliant and, i think, has the makings of a book — or at least a magazine article!
There’s an old Buddhist saying, “Chop wood, chop wood, chop wood, enlightenment, chop wood, chop wood…” It acknowledges the everyday minutiae that we trudge through. Not every day is a vision quest, but a to-do list that brings you the least bit closer to who want to be is a good thing. I enjoyed this post. Thank you!
All I can say is..”Well Said”. I completely understand how you’re feeling and I find myslef continually re-evaluating myslef and what I’d want others to describe me and your list is pretty spot on. Even the Cirque poart. Turns out there’s a lot of us mothers out there wanting to join.
I also agree with the reply about being called out on Facebook. That’s not the forum to discuss those issues. Hopefully she apologized too.
I use to be really good at having a to-be list. Then I got married, finished my undergrad, and had a baby. Now my life seems to be all wrapped up in the to-do’s. This was a great reminder not to let go of the part of myself that loves the to-be’s. Sure my running splits have improved and I can get out just about any stain, but when I really focus on who I want to be, those things don’t have any impact on them.
I never really dreamed of the circus, but I still think I’m going to spend 6 months backpacking Europe someday.
Also, your to-do vs. to-be piece really reminded me of a recent conference talk. I can’t remember who gave it (I thought it was President Uchtdorf but couldn’t find it when I looked for it).
I’m a big To-Do list user, especially at work! I’ve made To-Be lists before, usually around New Years and try to revisit the list periodically to see how I’m doing.
As for the FB thing, I agree that it’s not the place to call people out. Far too many people use it that way and I really try to only use mine to convey awesomeness (trips, experiences, congrats, etc.).
If something isn’t on a to-do list, it doesn’t get done. However, this idea of a to-be list may have just changed my life! You’re the best!
Love the to-be list – if you don’t mind – I copied it – (with the exception of #10)!! I do have a to-do list – it makes me feel good, but I really like the to-be list better! Thanks for sharing it – a great way to start Monday!
Heidi Montage: I work out 14hours a day:
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/43456455
Thought you might find this interesting – not sure whether to label it ‘disordered exercise’ or ‘attention-seeking behavior’, though.
Sometimes it is easier for other people to see you as who you really are – both good and bad. While the truth can hurt (a LOT), it is worse that the good stuff is harder to believe. That said, Charlotte, I think you already are everything on that list. Okay, maybe not #10, but you have done some cool experiments that put right up there in league with some Cirque performers. I would also argue that thinking about being skinny and going to the gym daily, etc., have all formed the person you are, so they are in fact getting you closer to things on your to-be list.
Also, as a fellow list maker, I am intrigued by your methodology. I need to adopt the right/left sided list idea. Right now my lists (also spiral bound that travel everywhere with me) are in two columns – school/work and personal. BOOOOring.
seriously, if I haven’t said it before, I’ll say it now…you rock my face right off. THis whole “to do” vs. “to be” hits close to home. I’m very much guilty of just crossing off the normal things on the list without really examining how they are influencing my life. I need to BE more and not DO more. That lovely cliche “less is more” sometimes really does mean something! I think I need to come up with a TO BE list and write my own post about this! gahhh you keep inspiring me to write posts….love it. 🙂
Sometimes when I read your posts, Charlotte, I just don’t know what to say because they are so meaningful & full of learning! You are amazing!
I have a to do list of what I need to buy for food & necessities cause I always forget & I try to put it in my cell phone so I don’t lose the list! 😉 The other stuff, it is more in my mind about what I want to do or be…..
You done good! 🙂
I appreciate all your posts, and they definitely make me think and smile. I truly admire your willingness to put it all out there, being honest isn’t always pretty. I do have to say, why would a true friend call you out on Facebook? I am questioning the friend part. Mistakes. We’ve all made them. It’s the learning from them that makes us the better person.
You know what makes you amazing?
(well, many things, but one in particular right now)
You learn from your mistakes.
Not perfectly,
but you strive to become a better, more godly person,
and I love that about you, Charlotte.
As always, your honesty and self-reflection rock. I think we’ve all been there, where we make a mistake or somehow hurt another person. But the key is to wonder about it and to evaluate how we’re doing as people. I really like that you compared your to-do list with your to-be list, and that you were willing to acknowledge the discrepancies. I think I would find the same thing. (And maybe if I’m up at night, which is entirely likely, I’ll take the time to replicate your experiment.)
best blogger friend ever. Loved this. I just got attacked on facebook but they were trying to get at my kids. You’re a great writer, and everything is a process. Kudos for knowing that.
Pingback:BBC: Wednesday Workout + Wellness | Everyday Glow
Pingback:12 Days of Kindness // Today Matters | Everyday Glow
Pingback:The To-BE List | For the Glow