I couldn’t find the actual ad we were looking at but this one is pretty similar – it emphasizes the “look” over the function. Plus I think this ad is freaking hilarious. (For those of you non-yoga types, the model is doing Camel Pose.)
“I don’t think I like the word ‘pretty’ in that ad,” the woman said, to no one in particular.
“I agree. It’s like because we’re women, advertisers automatically assume we want to be ‘pretty’ over other things.” Another woman responded.
“Yeah, I’d rather it said ‘stylish’ or something,” concluded the first woman.
“I don’t think they mean it to be denigrating to women. The girl in the ad is rock climbing so she is obviously strong as well.” I piped up. “I like the word ‘pretty’.”
We were three strangers standing in an elevator and staring at a large ad for women’s outdoor clothing. And then it happened.
“Well that’s because you are pretty,” the second woman said matter-of-factly.
I was so astounded that I wasn’t sure how to respond. First because I didn’t like the implied corollary that because they didn’t like the word pretty that they weren’t pretty – I thought they were both beautiful and told them so (although it came out kind of awkwardly in that “you’re pretty!” “no, YOU’RE pretty!” “Oh stop it, you’re SOOO pretty!” way that women sometimes get into but I was being sincere, I swear). Second because I was tearing up a little bit. It had been a rough day and the compliment (whether or not she meant it as one, I took it that way) from a stranger disarmed me in a way that a hundred “You look lovely”s from my mom or husband couldn’t do. After all, strangers – at least those that aren’t trying to get something from us – are not required nor even expected to pay us a compliment so when they do it feels more genuine.
Honestly, in the week since, I’ve been holding that woman’s compliment like a jewel in my hand, opening it several times a day to reexamine it. While I know that “pretty is as pretty does” and “beauty is only skin deep” and perhaps I should have preferred her to say “You are smart” (but then what does a stranger know of our mind in the span of a 30-second elevator ride?), it was the nicest thing she could have said to me at that moment. But as the other womens’ reactions to that ad showed me, not all of us like to be called pretty.
This can be especially polarizing in situations where women are typically the minority. I remember feeling belittled when I was working as a computer lab manager and my boss complimented my male coworkers on their performance and me on my outfit even though I had been there rewiring the LAN until 2 a.m. right next to the guys. And I have seen this play out over and over again in a gym setting. You have women on both extremes: the princesses who show up in full makeup and revealing outfits:
First, huge thank you to Turbo Jennie for introducing me to this fitness clothing company. And second you must click through to see the back on this “bodacious bodysuit“. The site describes it as “a real head turner.” Indeed!
And then there are the girls who try to look as much like the men as possible with baggy t-shirts and basketball shorts. I’m not criticizing either one mind you – for the love of little green apples, I’ve worked out in costume makeup and a wig before and heaven knows I have enough pit-stained cotton tanks to make any man jealous – but “pretty” is definitely taken differently by both groups. It can be contextual. Take Tuesday night for instance, when the Gym Buddies and I went to our first session at CrossFit St. Paul for this month’s Experiment. On the car ride up we debated our clothing choices – we wanted to look “hardcore” not “pretty” so that the notably no-frills CrossFit folks wouldn’t laugh at us. (They could save that for when we actually started the workout thank you very much.) I mean seriously, we were about to get our butts handed to us (buttwink!!) and we were worried about our wardrobe? This from the same girls who the day before did an entire workout in neon tutus. So I guess I want to be pretty and strong – can a girl have it both ways?
What do you think of ads that try to reach you by appealing to your vanity? Do you take “pretty” as a compliment? And how bad do you want a black lycra catsuit to workout in now??
To see one man’s (incredibly hilarious) take on what all of us fitness fanatics look like from the outside, check out this vid: (Thanks Kelly Olexa!) “I hate yoga. If I wanted to hurt myself, I’d do it properly. With knives. As a cry for help.”
Given my extensive lulu collection, clearly their advertising works wonders on me. I don’t know why, but I just cannot resist their stuff. Any of it. All of it. It might be a cult…but I’ve too much lulu-kool-aid to quit now.
I really, really don’t want to sound conceited in any way, but I have been called pretty on occasion…and I honestly much prefer compliments that speak to my merits on things I’ve had to work at. I know that sounds bad, but, I’d often prefer smart, or competent in my field, or good at biking, over pretty. I didn’t work at being pretty, and I’d rather be actually listened to, rather than just stared at. But, my preference for other compliments doesn’t mean I don’t like ‘pretty’ as a compliment, but I often find those compliments come from people that know me only cursorily, or not at all (my friends and I don’t often go down the ‘no, you’re SOO pretty’ road…thankfully, we’re not at all like that). And perhaps the elevator women were right…I can only say that I prefer other compliments, because I’m actually given ‘pretty’ as a compliment.
I do wonder how the ‘pretty’ will play out when I start working. I will be miffed if I’m complimented on looking fresh if I’ve spend all night working on due diligence, if the boys get ‘good job’ and a pat on the back. That’s totally not cool. But law can be a bit of an old-boys club, so we’ll see I suppose.
I have a pretty firm ‘no bodysuits during workouts’ rule. I’m unlikely to break it anytime soon. Probably because of my aforementioned lulu collection. The bodysuit also does not seem bra-friendly.
“But, my preference for other compliments doesn’t mean I don’t like ‘pretty’ as a compliment, but I often find those compliments come from people that know me only cursorily, or not at all” – Good point!! True. And I too am interested to see what happens when you are one of those gorgeous whip-smart high-powered lawyers like on TV – I think you will be amazing and I’m excited to hear all about it!
I take pretty as a compliment. I sometimes worry that I come across sort of brutish with kettlebells and martial arts. But I love things like dresses, red lipstick, and glitter nail polish. I may have calluses the size of rocks on my palm but I have pretty nails, damn it! Last week, someone gave me one of my favorite compliments ever they said I was “crazy strong and the epitome of femininity”. (Or something like that.) Seriously, it made my day and put a bounce in my step. I really think women can be both and, personally, I find muscles and strength extremely beautiful. One thing I like about muscles is that unlike beauty they can’t be bought or inherited…they are earned (except for a few genetic mutants.).
“I sometimes worry that I come across sort of brutish with kettlebells and martial arts. But I love things like dresses, red lipstick, and glitter nail polish.” I have the same worry too! (Shocker – I am just like you… again! Lol.) Also this: ” “crazy strong and the epitome of femininity” is SO true about you!!
I’ve been called pretty my whole life (vain much?) and it’s super nice and all (no but I really do appreciate it!) but I’d love a “smart” thrown in now and again too. Cuz I am smart. Or used to be at least before the child stole all of my brain cells.
You are both pretty and strong. Not mutually exclusive.:)
Fyi I spent much of my 20s wishing that people would think I was hot instead of brilliant. Being fat sucks.
True – I think it is the same for me. For most of my life I was not the pretty one so I’m still surprised when people say that to me.
I will never not like to be called pretty. Sure, I aspire to be much more than that in life but being called pretty will always be high in my “top compliments” list no matter now much I tell myself it’s not all that important.
I know I’m setting my daughters up for a similar mindset because I find myself constantly telling them how pretty they are. I’ve even thought about curbing my use of that compliment in favor of some that are less superficial but I can’t help it. Because it’s true! Saying it to them just bursts from my lips because they are so beautiful to me! So I don’t fight it. I like that they will grow up knowing that their mom thinks they’re pretty (and funny, clever, goofy, helpful, smart, etc., etc.)
There’s nothing wrong with appreciating pretty or trying to be pretty… until we start to overthink it.
This “Saying it to them just bursts from my lips because they are so beautiful to me! So I don’t fight it. I like that they will grow up knowing that their mom thinks they’re pretty (and funny, clever, goofy, helpful, smart, etc., etc.)” made my whole morning! I hope the same for my Jelly Bean!
I have never even considered that pretty would somehow not be a compliment. I mean, there is more to life than being pretty sure, but there is also more to life than chocolate (is there?) and that doesn’t make it a bad thing.
Weird analogy.
That bodacious bodysuit? On sale for $100? Day-um.
I would rather be called “pretty” or “cute” as opposed to “hot” or “sexy”. All of these words seem to have certain personality traits attached to them, even though I think they’re all supposed to be taken as compliments. “Pretty” and “cute” girls are often assumed to be sweet, thoughtful, nice and helpful, whereas “hot” and “sexy” girls are only thought about in terms of sex and individual body parts. I’m not saying that I agree with these labels, but if forced I’d quickly choose the former over the latter.
It’s funny that compliments on appearance can imply these personality traits, but if someone calls me “smart”, “capable” or “funny” I feel that they are complimenting me on those things because they don’t have anything nice to say about the way I look. I realize that this is probably backwards, but it’s just how I see it.
You make 2 great points! First the distinction between “pretty” and “sexy” – I totally agree. And the feeling that someone is complimenting your personality because they don’t like the way I look? Totally understand that one too… sadly.
At the risk of sounding like the low-self-confidence creature I am: I probably would take pretty as a compliment, but pretend (to myself) that I wouldn’t, because it’s easier to not want what you can’t have. (My history with the word consists of a few failed attempts at confidence-boosting from my mother. Bah.) I don’t identify myself with the pretty pictures in advertising – they just make me feel somehow inferior because they imply that being pretty matters. (And it does, socially. Anyone who’s been to school knows that.)
Gah, I can’t quite explain myself. Bottom line: I think confidence has a lot to do with how you feel about advertising. And compliments.
Ok, this: “because it’s easier to not want what you can’t have.” is me too, sadly. I grew up never being the pretty one so now I lap it up any time it comes my way… And this: “Bottom line: I think confidence has a lot to do with how you feel about advertising. And compliments.” is very astute.
I think that many women do not like being called “pretty” at the gym because it is usually replacing a different kind of compliment they would rather have. I would rather be known for being a girl monster in the gym, as would many other tough women gym goers. We women work physically hard, some women are doing triathlons, biking 95 miles in a day, we lift heavy amounts that are competitive, our flexibility, for many of us, was coaxed through years of hard work of persistently doing yoga. And so many other impressive athletic feats! I’ve seen men just discount all of that, which is irritating.
Charlotte, you should be complimented for your athleticism. I’m personally glad some mom with a bunch of kids can do the scorpion pose, hand-less headstands, and flips like you do. For some reason, that makes me feel better about life.
But yoga is pretty and artistic, and when done in good form, the woman looks pretty. So I have been told my yoga looks “pretty” by both men and women at the gym, who mean it artistically. But I feel really bad for the women who are treated as cute and adorable in the free weights area–that means no respect from the guys. What a great topic.
🙂 Marion
This: “I’m personally glad some mom with a bunch of kids can do the scorpion pose, hand-less headstands, and flips like you do. For some reason, that makes me feel better about life.” Made my WHOLE WEEKEND. Thank you:)))
It’s all about context. One time I was trying to be all tough and sh*t during a basketball game, and my opponent purposely called me “cute” intending it as an insult. (I showed him; I bodyslammed him into the wall.)
Loved that video!
Hahah – I wish I could have seen that body slam!
I would definitely take pretty as a compliment, unless it was clear by the context that it was degrading or not so complimentary in some way. Women can be both pretty and strong at the same time, and often a compliment to a woman’s appearance encompasses their other qualities as well. For example, their confidence and success a lot of times will illuminate the woman in a way that prior to having those qualities she just wasn’t. The best way for some people to point out the difference they notice is to describe what they see visually.
I also think that the ads are smart to play on appearance. Heck, let’s face it, a lot of woman don’t just work out for themselves and their health. Many do it because they want to ‘look’ better for others. Even those of use who are more health geared sometimes waver and think ‘yeah, I’m looking goooood, baby!’ I do enjoy turning around in the mirror and seeing how my booty pops in a particular pair of pants haha!
Great post, Charlotte!
“often a compliment to a woman’s appearance encompasses their other qualities as well. For example, their confidence and success a lot of times will illuminate the woman in a way that prior to having those qualities she just wasn’t. The best way for some people to point out the difference they notice is to describe what they see visually.” Very astute observation!!
“One morning this guy woke up and said to himself, I want to be SO BIG, all of my vests look like aprons.”
I’ve never had anyone call me pretty before. Even though I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty…
And witty and…? 😉
Well since my site proclaims me as a fitness fanatic, that video really hurts 🙂
I have mixed feelings about being called pretty. I genuinely don’t know if I am or not so it makes me feel funny when people say that I am.
I think sometimes by labeling people as pretty we’re distracting from their other contributions or possible abilities. If that makes sense.
I heard Susan Douglas (feminist, author, journalist/media professor) speak semi-recently and she said that this usage of pretty as a compliment is causing women to strive to be pretty or beautiful… and that that is a trajesty, because we all are beautiful in some way (some it just takes longer to figure it out)… that “aspiring to be beautiful is a dumbass thing to do. We are beautiful. Why not aspire to do something great instead?”
oh and : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0
This: “aspiring to be beautiful is a dumbass thing to do. We are beautiful. Why not aspire to do something great instead” makes an excellent point. Gonna go check out that vid now!
I like feeling “pretty” no matter who tells me that! It’s always nice to hear in my book …now, I know this is a LITTLE off topic, but I used to (and still do, to be honest) have an aversion to the word “healthy”. For me, it felt like someone was calling me “plump”…I couldn’t shake the feeling that healthy was a GOOD thing!
I’d be curious to hear about what other words that are supposed to be positive cause people to cringe…
That would make an interesting post! I’ll have to think on this one! The word that comes immediately to mind is “curvy”.
Girl-on-girl compliments are the absolute best. That’s why it meant to much to you – we’re so often catty and jealous and competitive towards each other that to have a stranger tell you you’re pretty feels like the supreme compliment. But yes, I was sad to hear the WAY she said it, b/c it sounded like a dig at herself.
PS You’re pretty, Charlotte. OK, now my turn!
Girls, girls, you’re both pretty;) Excellent point about the girl-on-girl thing. Hmmm… that didn’t come out quite as intended but still!
Im with dragonmamma as it’s entirely context for me.
and origin.
from whom.
and Im with Leslie with the regards to girl on girl.
In my experience they are simply more authentic.
I like being called pretty and really try to take all compliments gracefully with a “thank you” even when I don’t believe the compliments.
Yesterday, a woman I volunteer with told me “You’ve lost a lot of weight. Your face looks so slender.” This one I did believe and truly appreciated because I’ve worked hard for it!
True – learning how to gracefully accept a compliment is as much an art as giving them is! (And yay – congrats!!!)
I think it’s a compliment! LIke you, I want to have it both ways – whether it’s pretty and smart, or pretty and strong, or smart and strong, or whatever. I am a multi-faceted person and I don’t like the idea that if I want to be one thing, I therefore can not be another.
So yes, it’s a compliment. And it’s true.
Honestly I really kind of hate any and all comments about my general appearance, positive or not. And I mean that from anyone, my mom and best friend and boyfriend included. My thought process tends to go along the lines of “Seriously? You think I look nice now? I look like shit and I’m bloated and disgusting. If you think this is good, oh god, how do I normally look? Time to lose 10 pounds!” But um, I might be a little nuts. I think personally I just spend so much time obsessing over my appearance in my head that anyone else thinking about it too, even in a positive way, just freaks me out.
Not that I think I’ll ever have to worry about a stranger calling me pretty. I think the best I could hope for would be interesting or striking, if I’d put some effort into it. Though I do get compliments on my hair a lot. Those I tend to be slightly more okay with since I do have pretty rad hair 🙂
Hahaha – If you’re nuts then I am too. I love that you love your hair!!
That video is hilarious! Thanks for sharing it.
Right now I am taking my new dog (an adorable tiny dachshund I got from the shelter) everywhere I can with me and he is getting all the compliments…but that’s fine with me. He IS pretty!
Awww! I bet he is adorable!!
I love it when my husband says I’m pretty, I must say! We’ve been together for 16 years, he’s seen me skinny, fat, overcome with an ED, crazed, sleepless, angry, sobbing my head off, screaming in pain during labor, covered in baby vomit, and he still thinks I’m pretty.
So that’s nice.
But I have to say, if I slaved all night and my male colleagues got a “good work” and all I got was “nice outfit,” I probably would have murdered my boss. Slowly and painfully.
I also believe that strong IS pretty!
And that video is pretty (ha!) funny.
I love your husband! (Not in that way, you know what I mean, ahem) You two seem to have such a solid relationship!
I like getting called pretty, possibly/ especially because at 41 my “pretty” days are numbered. I’m edging up on “She sure looks good for her age,” and “Well-preserved”.
That video? Made of awesome.
Good point about aging! Maybe that was part of what I was feeling too… Nobody cards me anymore;)
I think it would be pretty and hardcore if you did CrossFit in a tutu. Of course we want pictures. As for pretty being a complement I think it all depends on who is saying it and the connotation with which it is said. I don’t think I would it in and ad though, I already think advertisers assume way to much.
I would love to be called pretty. But probably not by a boss who compliments everyone else on their work.
And I do think about the “message” my workout clothes send. Even when no one’s around to see them. Like, for the past week, I’ve been wearing my sports bra and tiny spandex shorts for my 4:50am run. Because it makes me feel tough and only pretty girls dress like that. And when I go to the gym to lift with the hubs, I don’t wear “pretty” stuff, I wear more-coverage workout shirts and capris. Also, I don’t wear my red shirt since that’s what the trainers at my gym wear. 🙂 Has nothing to do with pretty, but it is an important piece of getting-dressed-to-workout.
Yep, we avoid red t-shirts for that reason too!
I like being complimented on my looks – but it def. depends on situation – if it were my talent/ability/brains on the line, to be commended for being pretty instead of praised for my work would be an insult.
Oh, and I am so linking that video to my husband, he will love it! He has been thin all his life, and hates exercise. I believe he burned his p.e. uniform after high school in celebration. Yes, we are a textbook case of opposites attract.
First, if I had a bod like that, sure, I would want a bodysuit like that but not a 5’1″ more gymnastic older lady bod! 😉
As for pretty – honest – I have always wanted to be pretty because I am not. That is not a put down on myself – just the truth. I am not pretty the way society sees pretty or even cute. For me, I would love to be called pretty – just being honest….
As for ads & what they say, it does not make a difference to me. I buy based on what I want & what works for me.
I never thought about it, but I guess I am not a big fan of the word “Pretty”. I think every time someone called me pretty I took it as an insult. Maybe because I’m Russian and we don’t really have a translation for the word pretty, we’re kind of black and white in Russia.
That video was so funny by the way I couldn’t stop laughing, but I don’t think he showed that exercise can be fun :). I actually look forward to my workouts.
Good point about the fun! Exercise should always be fun:) So… in Russia, you’re either gorgeous or ugly??
I’ve never thought about the correlation between (or is it OPPOSITION between?) “pretty” and “strong” before. I mean, let’s just put it on the table that I’m not very girly. My grandmother-in-law buys and sends me makeup in an effort to make me just a wee bit more feminine (I have always been a tomboy. Hate makeup, barely know how to use it, seems like too much trouble) but my definition of “pretty” doesn’t include “frilly” or “feminine.” I think natural beauty is much prettier than loads of makeup and Gym Time Barbie outfits — yet I do tend to look down on girls who wear that kind of stuff to the gym (habitually. Not occasionally or just cuz it’s what they had on, but the ones who wear revealing clothes, two pounds of eyeliner, mascara and lipstick to work out. I mean…come on). Think I’ve got some introspection to do 😉
Personally I just can’t stand spending lots of money on stuff I am just going to get stinky and sweaty in. With the exception of a good workout bra (because I am devoted to keeping my boobs as perky as possible for as long as possible) I just buy everything at Target.
Being called pretty brings a smile to my face… especially if it’s a random stranger. Okay, well most of the time. Loved the video. Brought another smile to my face.
I tell both of my [male] cats they are pretty all the time and they don’t seem to mind. 🙂
I have been called both pretty and smart and I take both as compliments.Which is not to say I always feel pretty and/or smart, but it’s nice to hear and makes me feel good. Some days you need that.
I tell my male cats they’re gorgeous. They look at me as if saying “Duh, we know!”
Ha! I do believe that is the proper feline response. Perhaps we could learn a thing or two from our pets. 🙂
And this is why I told my husband we need a cat!
Unless I’ve completely blocked out past compliments given to me… I’d have to say that people generally don’t call *me* pretty, they call what I’m *wearing* pretty. Which means I can totally skip wondering if it’s a backhanded compliment suggesting that I’m all looks and no substance, because it’s about the skirt or the jewelry or whatever, not me. I’m not completely unfortunate looking (thank you, Legally Blonde) but I tend to fall on the cute end of the spectrum. (And also maybe the “nice ass” end of the spectrum — thank you, Lululemon.)
Thinking further about this topic, I have to wonder if it’s not because I wear glasses. Women in glasses are either nerds or sexy secretaries. Maybe I’d be “pretty” if I tore off my glasses and dramatically let down my hair like they do in the movies?
Do you think it changes the nature of the compliment if someone tells you you look pretty, rather than you are pretty?
Also, that video was hilarious.
I’m a woman, and I am perfectly fine with being called pretty. Everyone wants to be attractive. There’s nothing wrong with that unless you obsess over it.
I love that video more than I reasonably should.
I really think women can be both and, personally, I find muscles and strength extremely beautiful. One thing I like about muscles is that unlike beauty they can’t be bought or inherited…they are earned (except for a few genetic mutants.).
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